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Jane leaned against the railing of the porch to the cabin, watching solemnly as the stars above shimmered slowly. Her eyes tried to find his gaze within the constellations, maybe someday, his face will come into view.
Not today though.
Her fingers slid back and forth against the smooth surface of the dark wood that this cabin was constructed out of.
She still remembered his soft and comfortable hands which slid into hers so perfectly.
But how was she supposed to hold his hand now?
His hands were infected with the code, and it stung to see him in such a state. In such a state she could’ve easily prevented, if only her stupid eyes could’ve realized it.
Jane huffed into the frigid and unforgiving air, watching as her breath vanished into the darkness of this realm.
She wondered if he was out there, in the darkness. She wondered if he missed her, remembered her, maybe he kept the ring they used to bear on their fingers lovingly, maybe he kissed it like she would. He would put his warm lips against the smoothness of gold, feeling the engraving of the initials “JD” rubbing against his skin.
She wondered if he felt the same. Maybe he was also leaning down against the same railing, watching the stars shimmer like she would, trying to find her gaze in the constellations.
Every round she participated in felt like hell, not because of the constant fear following everyone everywhere, but because of how close she could be with him. How close her hands fell with his when blooming pain pierced though her chest. But even as she looked into his manic eyes, she still loved him, even while his smile held murderous intent, even as the look on his face remained stagnant as he watched her blood gush to the ground violently.
Jane often reminisced the days that they would sit on the soft sand of the beach and watch cloudless, pale sky waver above them. The days they ran near the shoreline of the salty water, the days they lay beneath the warm glow of the sun, feeling each other’s essences next to each other. The days they showered together, the days they talked, kissed, cuddled, cried, worked, slept, ate, yelled, laughed, cheered, cooked, cleaned, got dressed, watered the plants, brushed their teeth, had arguments, drove to work, took the train, the days they spent together were all gone.
Tears welled up in her eyes, and for a split second, his familiar gaze began to form within the hopeful stars in the sky. For a split second she could feel his welcoming hands envelope hers, she could feel his gentle lips trace up her neck and down her shoulder, finally ending on her own lips. He was so close, she could feel his loving breath hover over her cheek and move closer back to her neck.
But this felt helpless, stupid, and done.
Her blurry vision glanced back up towards the sky, this time more desperate to try and make out the shape of his eyes, nose, mouth. But nothing formed, all she could stare at was a mess of scattered dots stuck onto a dark canvas of eternal dusk.
Jane broke down crying, falling limply onto her knees, how could such a blessing transform into something so agonizing? To the point where she kneels defenselessly on this very porch, spending most of her resting time thinking about him, reaching out to him, hoping to find an answer that she knows will never reveal itself.
She’s always aware that she’s been conversing with an empty void her entire life, telling secrets to and making jokes with a dark, echoing room. A room that will never respond, no matter how hard Jane begs it to say something, nothing will ever suffice.
Jane lowered her face into her palms, sobbing, hoping hopelessly that someday, somehow maybe this room will answer.
She found the ring around her finger, rubbing the polished surface.
Her mind found placidness, somewhere between his arms.
“I miss you, John.”