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"This is stupid, guys," complained Yeonjun, frowning. "I don't think he'd appreciate this." He sighed and took his pillow before he stood up. "I'll just sleep on the couch in the living room." He groaned.
"Come on, hyung," said Kai. "He's not that mean. He wouldn't turn you down." He looked at Yeonjun, something sinister developing within his glint. "Besides, he'll probably like it." He wriggled his eyebrows, before receiving a pillow hit from Yeonjun. He cackled.
Taehyun only chuckled. "He's right though," chimed in Taehyun. "There's no way you'd be able to sleep comfortably in this bed, if we share it between the four of us. Nor will you get good sleep either if you sleep on that rock hard living room couch."
Yeonjun took a deep breath and exhaled. He rolled his eyes before groaning. "It doesn't change the fact that it's weird!" He insisted. "I don't even know Soobin that well, let alone be able to ask to sleep on his bed!"
It went like this: Yeonjun and his friends, Kai, Beomgyu, and Taehyun, were going to a trip. To reduce the amount of fuss of going to the villa the next day, they all slept over Beomgyu's apartment. However, it just occured to them that Beomgyu's bed wasn't that big enough to have all four of them sleeping together side by side. Worse, Beomgyu didn't have any spare mattresses nor rugs at all.
Therefore, the four of them decided that one person would have to sacrifice themselves and knock on Soobin, Beomgyu's slightly older twin brother, to ask if they could sleep in his room. They did it by doing 'rock, paper, scissors' and whoever lost must go and sacrifice themselves. However, the gods of luck didn't side on Yeonjun that day apparently.
"Nonsense, you definitely know Soobin very well," added Beomgyu bluntly. He cackled too, devilishly so, after receiving a pillow hit from Yeonjun too. "What? I'm right!" He continued laughing.
Yeonjun's a junior year undergrad student. He shouldn't be blushing at such a moronic statement. Yet there he was, standing awkwardly with his cheeks flustered down to his neck. "Oh, shut up, Gyu," he said. "You were far more embarrassing when you had a crush on Taehyun."
Taehyun, on the contrary, raised his eyebrows. "So you agree?" He asked, in a Regina George like manner. "You have a crush on Soobin hyung?" He tilted his head slightly, challenging. A smirk upturned one corner of his lips.
It's like the universe wanted Yeonjun to lose his mind.
That was no secret, after all. That Yeonjun had a massive crush on Beomgyu's twin brother. That he wanted to do unholy things with the man named Choi Soobin. That he also wanted to poke on Soobin's dimples and pinch his cute little cheeks and butt. That he was irrevocably infatuated with Soobin.
Though perhaps, it wasn't an infatuation. Yeonjun first knew Soobin when the man picked up Beomgyu after their dance club meeting, back when Yeonjun was still a sophomore and Beomgyu and his twin were still freshmen. The moment he saw that 6'2" bunny-like man whose attractiveness was far beyond anyone Yeonjun had ever seen, Yeonjun fell for him. And no one could blame Yeonjun, because who didn't want a piece of that?
It seemed like Yeonjun's feelings worsened with time too. As their friendship grew and even expanded with the addition of two new members in the dance club that year, Taehyun and Kai, the bond between Yeonjun and Beomgyu grew stronger too. However, it came with a side effect of making Yeonjun meet Soobin more often than not.
Through those months that perhaps turned a year and a half at least, Yeonjun learned that Soobin was such a gentleman. He learned that Soobin was the kind of person that wasn't just nice but also genuinely kind, the type to sincerely help old ladies cross the road without being asked or helping kids reach their stuck balloons on the ceilings without hoping for anything in return. He learned that Soobin was kind to everyone, including himself.
The problem with Soobin's kindness lied within Yeonjun's stupid feelings towards the younger. There was nothing wrong with Soobin's kindness towards him, per se. It's just that Yeonjun had feelings for Soobin to the point that Soobin's kindness always felt misinterpreted, even though Yeonjun tried his best to remind himself that at the end of the day, Soobin was like that with everyone else.
Even though Soobin and Yeonjun didn't talk much, as their interests didn't overlap much and Yeonjun was much closer to Beomgyu so meeting Soobin were always just a matter of timing and convenience, Soobin treated Yeonjun exceptionally well. Before Beomgyu started dating Taehyun, Soobin used to pick up Beomgyu from his dance practice all the time, and he always invited Yeonjun to tag along since their apartment buildings weren't so far apart. Even then, after Beomgyu started dating Taehyun almost six months prior, Soobin still offered Yeonjun rides back home, because he was a tad bit worried since their neighborhoods weren't always the safest at nights and perhaps as an excuse to be out of his apartment unit to give space for Taehyun and Beomgyu. Although they wouldn't talk much during those rides, it seemed liked Soobin enjoyed Yeonjun's company somehow, and Yeonjun chose to believe that he was not burdening Soobin, even though deep inside he was afraid he was weighing Soobin down.
The thing was Soobin's kindness also appeared in little things. More often than not, Soobin would treat Yeonjun his favorite mint chocolate ice cream—though the flavor is to Soobin's disdain—or some strawberry cream buns he saved from his shift at the bakery after Yeonjun's practice. In other times, when Beomgyu would go out to shop and eat with Yeonjun, Soobin would join and pay for all their expenses, despite not earning that much at all. Sometimes, Yeonjun felt silly because he's supposed to be the one paying Soobin back, but Soobin always insisted on treating Yeonjun, merely because he thought Yeonjun's chubby cheeks when eating looked 'adorable.'
Yeonjun's crush was never not visible then, because he'd always look so smitten whenever he looked at Soobin. It was foolish somehow for his friends to find out about his little adoration because of the fondness in his gaze, weirdly so. Even when it went without a saying, people had always known somehow.
Sometimes, Yeonjun wondered if his feelings weren't entirely one sided.
It happened after Yeonjun admitted liking Soobin after being confronted by 'the trio.' They cornered Yeonjun while he was studying in the bakery's cafe, where Soobin worked, although he was stealing more glances at the man working there and studying more of the details of Soobin's facial features than whatever was on his book. Somehow, while trying to satiate his heart by having glimpses of Soobin working, Yeonjun was pushed by his friends to admit that he did, in fact, have something going on towards Soobin.
"What are you guys doing here?" asked Soobin as he served the table of four. He placed down drinks and meals in front of them with furrowed eyebrows. "Are you all here to get free food or just to bother me during my shift? Because I'm not in the mood for a charity case today."
Taehyun's eyes shifted evilly between Yeonjun and Soobin. Then, "What? We can't study here now, hyung? It's such a peaceful place and the perfect spot to study." He tried to play innocently.
"No, but you guys rarely go here together. It's strange having all four of you sitting here at the same time for no reason," answered Soobin as he crossed his arms.
Kai just shrugged. "Yeah, because the only one who's always here is Yeonjun hyung," he chimed in. He only grinned widely when Yeonjun stepped on his foot under the table. "He must be looking for cute boys to stare at instead of studying."
"Maybe, you're the one who should start searching for cute boys to date, so you can stop pestering me, Kai-ah," replied Yeonjun. He grimaced at Kai, visibly half-angry and half-flustered. "Don't project yourself on me."
Soobin just scoffed. "Well, look around and suit yourselves, I guess," he said. "There's always cute guys for you to see if you put a bit of effort to get to know them, especially around here." He huffed. "Both of you are physically and intellectually attractive, so I don't think it won't be that difficult."
"Yeonjun hyung has high standards though," chimed in Beomgyu, uselessly.
Soobin shrugged. "Eh, well deserved," he said. "He's pretty and talented and warm, so I doubt he wants to settle with some douchebag like you, Gyu. He deserves so much better." He protruded his tongue playfully. "Poor Tyunnie." He chuckled as he received a death glare from his brother.
Yeonjun thought he had misheard it then. Soobin complimented him without a single hesitation, and it sounded way to sincere to be untrue. He gulped nervously, feeling his ears heat up in a flash. He cleared his throat. "Don't save him, he's right where he wants to be," sounded Yeonjun, trying to joke, though his heart was beating far too rapidly for a normal healthy human being's heart.
"What about you, Soobin hyung? Are you not looking for cute guys to date too?" prompted Kai again, somehow stirring the situation even worse for Yeonjun. He only grinned again when Yeonjun deliberately stomped on his foot again. "I'm sure there's plenty of other guys," he continued while looking at Yeonjun, "who'd want to be with you."
Soobin stayed silent for a while. Then, he looked at Yeonjun briefly and smiled. "Nope, I don't want to be with anyone that I haven't known well," he answered. "Besides, I'm too busy looking at someone who won't look at me somehow." He chuckled before he looked away, and, "but I guess I'm alright with my feelings not returned. He deserves so much more than me."
Sometimes, Yeonjun thought there's an unresolved tension between them. Though then, Yeonjun would think of how impossible that'd be. Perhaps, he was just imagining things, reading between the lines that were never written, never existed at all. Perhaps, Yeonjun was just obsessing over things that would be improbable and just straight up nonsense. Perhaps, Yeonjun was just a lost cause, so desperate and pathetic over something he couldn't quite have. Was Soobin that reachable but unattainable like the stars in the night sky?
It's nice for Yeonjun to talk about Soobin with his friends, all smitten and whatnot, but he knew he had to tone down his excitement though not to let it die down.
So, Yeonjun did it like any sane person would do. He wasn't willing to move on just yet, so he pushed it aside, like the cardigan he'd fold back in the drawer, because he'd only wear when his mom's around during Thanksgiving since he couldn't stand the scent of home lingering in that piece of fabric. He kept his love somewhere hidden, so he needed not to acknowledge it.
Perhaps, however, the universe wasn't in Yeonjun's side that night.
Yeonjun sighed. "You know that I do," he said, voice barely above a whisper, very weakly so. "Fine," he finally said, surrendering. "Good night, guys." He left Beomgyu's room after the three bid him their 'good night's as well and lied on the bed side by side.
The more steps Yeonjun took, the less courage he had within him. It's like he was crumbling the further he strode. It was merely a five steps distance between Beomgyu's door and Soobin's door, but his legs felt heavy.
So, instead, Yeonjun sat on the living room's couch, hopeless. He decided not to knock on Soobin's door, afraid he might bother Soobin's rest. He knew the man was going to be their driver for their weekend getaway, because Beomgyu begged him to since Taehyun's vintage car would waste much more fuel rather than Soobin's slightly newer one, so he'd rather not bother Soobin even more. He's probably enough of a burden for Soobin.
The moment Yeonjun's pillow touched the couch, a door swung open. "Yeonjun hyung? What are you doing there?" It's Soobin's voice, it's so apparent. "Why are you sleeping in the living room?"
The elder immediately sat up straight, eyes wide like a deer caught in the headlights. "Uh..." Yeonjun was thinking hard, trying to find a believable excuse. He found none though. So, he slumped down and sighed. "There's no room for me on Beomgyu's bed. I lost 'rock, paper, scissors' so I had to take one for the team and sleep outside."
The younger tilted his head slightly, then he blinked. "Why didn't you knock on my room then?" He furrowed his eyebrows. "Come," he said, "just sleep on my bed. It's a queen size and I sleep like a log, so I'd usually only occupy half the space." He smiled then, so tenderly so.
"Ah, no, it's fine," replied Yeonjun. "I snore lightly sometimes so-"
"I'm a heavy sleeper. Don't worry," interrupted Soobin as he walked towards the living room. He took Yeonjun's pillow and carried it inside his room.
"No- wait, Soobin-" But, Yeonjun quickly gave up. He had no other choices but to follow Soobin to his room. He complied completely and closed the door behind him, but he stood there for a while, watching as Soobin puffed up Yeonjun's pillow beside his.
Soobin turned to look at Yeonjun. "Do you want to sleep near the window or on this side? It's not a big deal for me to sleep anywhere, but strict preferences might apply to some people," he said.
"Anywhere's fine," responded Yeonjun, briefly. Truly, he'd sleep at the floor if asked to too. He didn't mind sleeping anywhere as long as Soobin wouldn't feel discomfort with his presence. "Honestly, I really don't mind sleeping on the sofa."
The younger chuckled as he scooted over to the space nearer the window. He patted the empty space to let Yeonjun know he could sleep there. When Yeonjun finally walked and lied down there, defeated, Soobin smiled. "You might not mind it, but I do," he explained. "No guest of mine should be treated that way."
Right, Yeonjun's just a guest. Soobin was being nice to him, because Yeonjun was a guest at Soobin's apartment and he would feel bad if he saw Yeonjun feeling uncomfortable as he slept with folded knees on that couch that's too short for his legs. Soobin was taking care of Yeonjun merely because it was his duties to do so, just a responsibility after all. There's no point of hoping at all for Yeonjun, apparently so.
Yeonjun forced out a smile. "Thank you, Soobin," he muttered. "I hope you don't feel too uncomfortable with me staying in your room." He slid his legs under the duvet that smelled so much like Soobin that it's making Yeonjun feel heady. "Good night."
"Your presence is comforting, so I don't know what you're talking about. Good night," replied Soobin as he turned off the lights. The man shuffled a bit and slept on his side, opposite from Yeonjun.
Truthfully, Yeonjun could barely sleep that night. He did finally force himself to sleep after putting on some potent ASMR content he saved in his phone, but when the audio's over, he woke up immediately. He looked at the ceilings and wondered if he should walk away.
When Yeonjun looked beside him, Soobin was sleeping on his side, facing Yeonjun. The man seemed so beautiful and inherently at peace, curling up with his gigantic posture in his fuzzy sweater and sweatpants combo. There was just something so sweet about how Soobin looked in his slumber that made Yeonjun's heart ache in want. He figured he could sob if he had to look at Soobin once again. So, Yeonjun decided he should stop.
But just right before Yeonjun was about to stand up, Yeonjun felt a commotion on his side and his wrist was held. He thought he'd been deliberate and careful not to wake up Soobin. Though perhaps then, it mustn't be the case.
"Where are you going?" mumbled Soobin in his sleep. His speech was slurred and unclear, perhaps because he was half asleep. "Yeonjun hyung?"
Yeonjun looked back to find that Soobin was gripping his wrist tight, eyes blinking open a little. He gulped. "I- I can't sleep here," he whispered. "I should get some fresh air," he lied flimsily, "then I'll go back to sleep."
"We don't have much time to rest, hyung," responded Soobin. "You'd be too restless tomorrow morning if you go out now," he murmured. "Just come back here and let me cuddle you to sleep."
Cuddle? "I- uh, are you sure?" Yeonjun started panicking internally. He knew Soobin's kindness was beyond supposed comprehension, but he didn't think Soobin would go that far to comfort him. "It's fine. I can sleep tomorrow in the car-"
"Nonsense," cut off Soobin. "You won't be able to sleep when those three loud frogs carpool tomorrow." He opened his eyes fully, finally. "Don't be stubborn, hyung," he said. He tugged Yeonjun's wrist, forcing the older male to scoot back and lie beside him. "I'll just hold you to sleep. It always worked on me when I couldn't sleep as a kid." He snuggled onto Yeonjun, arms flung around Yeonjun's waist as his chin rested on Yeonjun's shoulder, making him the big spoon and Yeonjun the little spoon. "Good night, hyung."
"Night night, Bin," mumbled Yeonjun. He could feel his whole body tensing at the point of contact, but somehow soothing came right afterwards. Then, as soon as Soobin settled and started sleeping back, Yeonjun felt at ease somehow.
That night, Yeonjun had the best sleep he'd had in the past few years. Yeonjun would never admit it.
When the morning came, there was a noticeable absence beside Yeonjun. But the mattress dip beside him was very much vivid and real, and so was the warmth it left with the strung out sheets. Soobin did hug him the whole night.
Streaks of orange sunlight seeped in through the windows, since Soobin had already opened the curtains. Yeonjun sat up and tried to gain back his awareness, yawning as he stretched his arms out. The blond gasped the moment the door swung open, revealing Beomgyu in his expensive shirt that he's going to take pictures at the beach that evening so he could post them and flex on his Instagram. "God, you scared me!"
Beomgyu only laughed. "You must've gotten an insanely good sleep then, huh?" He winked naughtily, earning an eye roll from Yeonjun. "Anyways, rise and shine, hyung," he said as he looked at his watch, "It's half past six, so we have approximately an hour before Soobin drives us to the villa." He grinned. "And, I think Soobin bought you some ramen for breakfast, because Taehyun cooked Chinese tiger salad for all of us and you hate Cilantro."
When Beomgyu left, Yeonjun sat still for a while. Perhaps, Soobin was inherently thoughtful for him, but Yeonjun's stubborn heart still interpreted it as something special. He sighed, choosing to stop dwelling and went to prepare himself for the trip.
The drive was exactly like what Yeonjun expected and what Soobin thought it would be. As usual, Yeonjun sat beside Soobin, who was driving, because he's easily affected by motion sickness. The younger ones sat in the middle seat, as the back of the car was filled with backpacks and suitcases, though they were going for just five days.
Just as Yeonjun turned on the music, everything fell into chaos. Taehyun and his hooting and hollering hobby instantly jumped to take on the high notes in the carpool. Beomgyu immediately turned to his rapper mode and rapped while probably thinking he was Eminem or something. Kai joined in the shenanigans as loud as he could, sometimes capturing the moments through his phone's camera lenses.
But since the ride lasted three hours, the younger ones' energies died down as soon as they hit the first hour. Growing restless, Yeonjun took the opportunity to change the music into something calmer and much more soothing. Somehow, Yeonjun's tactics worked and the boys went to sleep on each other's shoulders, unaware entirely of the streets blurring outside their windows.
"Just listening to them is giving me a headache," commented Yeonjun as he huffed a little. It felt much nicer somehow when it went quiet, only hums of the air conditioner and the sound of the car machine filling the space since Yeonjun turned down the volume of the playlist to the lowest. "I don't know how they got this much energy this early in the morning."
Soobin chuckled. "And that's not fueled with coffee."
"If you saw them fueled with Americano, run," responded Yeonjun as he looked at Soobin. "The only time coffee is necessary for them is when the dance practice goes for hours and they still have to finish their assignments at home. Any other day where not much goes on, they'll look like little kids having sugar rush and will chase you around just to bother you for no reason."
The younger huffed. "Beomgyu's more subdued now, though," he said as he tapped the steering wheel to the faint beats of the music coming out from the speakers. "You wouldn't want to imagine how he was like when we were younger." He smiled. "Back then, when we were eight, he learned how to backflip. Then, he used to that technique to find his way to the kitchen for breakfast, everyday for a full week, until he dislocated his shoulder and our mom had to confiscate his good dancing shoes and replace them with regular shoes, just so he'd stop backflipping after the healing period."
Yeonjun looked at Soobin. "I don't think it worked."
"No, it didn't," replied Soobin as he looked at Yeonjun briefly, eyes gazing into Yeonjun so sweetly. "He got worse." He looked back to the roads ahead of them. "When we turned eight, he tried a new hobby of skateboarding. It all went well until he tried skateboarding in an abandoned park with his older friends, not knowing it was near a graveyard." He huffed. "He got stuck in one of the holes, and cried his way out, but they were being loud as hell that the mourning people on the grave got angry at them. Then, our dad sold his skateboard after the incident and he was never allowed to skateboard again."
The elder male laughed a little. Even though the story was pretty mundane, and he's pretty sure he'd heard it before from Beomgyu himself, he found Soobin's way of telling stories impossibly interesting. Perhaps, Yeonjun was sick in the head and biased, but he couldn't miss the imperceptible softness in Soobin's eyes when he talked. Maybe, Yeonjun needed a reality check.
They arrived at the villa some time around the mid day. The traffic turned against them somehow, extending their journey by an hour. Therefore, they did arrive at their destination pretty late, although it didn't change anything since they didn't have a strict itinerary that day, except for the beach by two o'clock for the couple.
Yeonjun wouldn't say it out loud, but he was sort of grateful for the traffic. Not only did the others got more rest before indulging in their fun, Yeonjun also got more chance to talk with Soobin. During those hours, Yeonjun learned about Soobin more than he had for the last six months.
Soobin told Yeonjun about his family, of how he had an older sister and two older brothers that were all already married, so their house would always be noisy during new year reunions. He also talked about his college life struggles, which was mostly because of how he had to balance his part time work, his packed schedule as the book club's president, and his constantly adding up projects from the professors of his major of nutrition science. The ongoing problems only continued over time for him somehow, pressure adding up mercilessly, and Soobin thought of quitting once. However, he was immensely grateful that he received so much love and support from his friends and families that he ended up being able to try his hardest to go on with his life.
To say Yeonjun was in awe was an understatement. He couldn't believe Soobin's resilience to face everything through and through, against all odds and in spite of whatever life had for him. Even though Soobin was younger, Yeonjun strived to be as strong as he was.
Yeonjun also ended up telling Soobin bits of himself. As a economy major, Yeonjun's life wasn't as harsh as Soobin's. Perhaps, his life was even more exciting, as he didn't have to face difficulties in his studies and he had more free time to explore himself and party every once in a while. His time as the vice president for the dance club was serving him impeccably well too somehow. Other than that, though he was an only child of a divorcee mother, he felt completely supported by his mom and he was more than thankful to have his friends loving him for all he was.
When asked about the struggles Yeonjun might face, he felt a little bit ashamed to admit it. He thought it was nothing if compared to what Soobin had to face. His problems would look so small after what Soobin explained to him.
"Don't invalidate your problems, hyung," said Soobin. "Just because others have it hard too, doesn't mean yours aren't." His tone was warm and calm and reassuring, so fond that Yeonjun might forget a little that Soobin was just naturally kind.
Yeonjun snorted. "Thanks." He looked at the cars queueing in front of them for a while. Then, "I guess I'm just kind of lonely sometimes." He took a peek at the sleeping boys on the middle seat. "That's why I'm so inclined to them," he explained. "They make everything feel less quiet."
It's true. What Yeonjun said was true. Ever since those boys came into Yeonjun's life, silence pressed less against his ribs and the pain that wouldn't go away ached less within him. His chest was no longer filled with gray, but colored with the burst of their stupid laughter and incessant jokes. There was something about the dynamic of their friendship that made Yeonjun feel fulfilled, something so warm that made him feel almost enough.
"But sometimes I just long for that kind of connection, you know," continued Yeonjun. "Sure, they make me feel seen and understood, but... perhaps, I want something more than this." He scoffed. "I don't know, I'm just being ridiculous, aren't I?"
"No, you're not," said Soobin. "We're on the same boat, hyung."
Yeonjun looked at Soobin and raised his eyebrows. "Hmm?"
"I think I haven't quite mentioned it, but it's normal to yearn for that companionship, you know," continued Soobin. "And I guess we both want the same thing." He smiled until his eyes crinkled and disappeared in his cheeks. "Intimacy."
Yeonjun couldn't stop thinking about Soobin's words. Even as they all went inside the villa, carrying their bags, he was still in his head space, thinking of what Soobin might mean with 'intimacy.' He was wandering out, not realizing the others were choosing their rooms already.
"Alright, there's three rooms here, so let's split into three groups," said Taehyun. "I call dibs on Beomgyu." He linked his arms with Beomgyu, whose disgustingly smitten smile bloomed on his face. "The master bedroom's the biggest one, near the kitchen and the pool. Then, there's two other bedrooms upstairs connected by the gathering room."
"Okay, I'm sleeping with Yeonjun hyung," initiated Soobin.
Yeonjun's face instantly flushed. "W-what?" He pointed at himself with his index finger as he looked at Soobin. "Me? Why?" He widened his eyes.
Soobin lowered his head a little and whispered at Yeonjun's ear. "I'm saving you from sleeping on the same bed as Kai. Last night, he hogged two-thirds of the mattress that Taehyun ended up falling from the bed," he whispered. He stood back straight.
"I can hear that, you know," said Kai as he crossed his arms and squinted his eyes. "Anyways, let's decide by rock, paper, scissors. Whoever wins gets to choose first."
Therefore, Soobin represented himself and Yeonjun. Meanwhile, Beomgyu represented him and Taehyun, because he was 'their lucky charm.' Kai represented himself as he was the only one without a pair.
Soobin ended up winning. When he looked at Yeonjun for signs of which bedroom to choose, Yeonjun just shrugged, telling Soobin to pick any. "Okay, we pick the master bedroom," he said, earning 'ooh's from everyone except Yeonjun.
The eldest of them all had his face flustered as they moved their things inside the room.
"So, our room has its own bathroom and a connecting door to the pool, and also near the kitchen and dining room," said Yeonjun. "How convenient." He laughed a little as he unpacked his clothes and supplies before arranging them in the closet and the vanity. "I must say you have fantastic instincts, Bin."
The younger huffed. "You can never go wrong with the master bedroom." He smiled. Then, "Do you want to sleep near the pool connecting door or do you want the spot near the vanity?"
Yeonjun snorted. "Does it matter? I'll be sleeping with you regardless. Anywhere would be comfortable."
By two, everyone had had their lunches, the very one they packed from home. Beomgyu and Taehyun headed to the beach first by foot, since it wasn't that far and Beomgyu insisted on spending more quality time as they walked there together. Soobin decided to sleep in for a bit, taking a nap to recharge since he had to drive non-stop for hours. Meanwhile, Kai and Yeonjun dipped their legs on the pool, feeling the warm sun kissing their skin while having the breeze of the wind chill them out.
"So, how's sleeping with Soobin hyung? Made any progress so far?" He wriggled his eyebrows at Yeonjun, teasing. He flinched when Yeonjun booed him and splashed him with the cold water, then laughed out loud. "Why are you booing me? I'm right!"
"I can assure you nothing happened between us, Kai-ah," responded Yeonjun. "Heard enough?"
Kai raised his eyebrows. "Wait," he said. "So you didn't... at all?"
Yeonjun squinted his eyes. "Didn't what?"
The younger tilted his head slightly. "You know what." When Yeonjun only squinted his eyes even more and hummed, Kai rolled his eyes and surrendered. "Make out... Have sex... Those things combined... Start a relationship and all that gist, you know?"
The blond chuckled. "Why would we?"
"Because you have a huge, gay crush on him?" Kai looked visibly perplexed. "You both have some serious tension you need to resolve, for real."
Yeonjun leaned back and anchored himself on his hands, pretending the concrete under him wasn't scorching hot. He thought for a while. Then, "Nothing's going on between us, Kai-ah." He sighed, deeply. "Just because I have a crush on him, that doesn't mean he likes me back too." He forced out a smile, trying really hard to be the bigger person there, accepting the fact that Soobin was just not someone he could pursue.
"Oh come on!" Kai kicked Yeonjun's leg. "Are you, like, being intentionally dense or are you actually idiotic?" He rolled his eyes again. "Have you ever seen how he looked at you? God, even Taehyun didn't look at Beomgyu like that until a month before they started dating. The longing in his eyes need to be studied since it really puts romantic actors to shame." He snorted. "Everyone and their moms know he likes you too, hyung."
"Don't be silly, Kai," countered Yeonjun. "He's just kind to everybody."
"That doesn't explain why he looks at you like that!" Kai's voice was so high pitched that it was clear he was frustrated and irritated.
To be fair, Yeonjun had an inkling about Soobin's gaze. But Yeonjun brushed the thought away the moment he saw fondness within Soobin's gaze to everyone he met. He knew then that Soobin was just sincere like that, and Yeonjun happened to be one of the people in his close proximity, someone that happened to be in his brother's friend group, and someone who often came around just because. Yeonjun knew he was just one of the lucky people to be able to be around Soobin, perhaps befriending him, though he wasn't sure if Soobin even saw him as a friend. "He looks at everyone like that, Kai," said Yeonjun flatly. He's just not supposed to be flattered by Soobin's niceness, because that's what Soobin was to everyone else too. "He's always genuine."
Kai stayed silent for a while. He sighed. "Whatever. It's impossible to talk to you," he said. "But are you not going to do anything about your crush then? From what you told us, I calculated that it's gone on for a year at least." He wiggled his feet in the water a little. "I don't think it's healthy to bottle big feelings up like that and not let it out at all." He gulped. "Sometimes I wish I could poke holes in your heart, so it has ventilation to breathe. You always keep things to yourself and let everything rot when they could be perfectly and easily solved just by talking like adults."
Yeonjun knew Kai's words were out of his love as a friend to Yeonjun, but it did stung him a little bit. Because the worst thing from what Kai said was the fact that Kai was right. And Yeonjun acknowledged how right Kai was, thus it hurt him that he understood perfectly what Kai meant and it's what's best for him. So, Yeonjun just huffed.
"You know, my sister's a psych student," continued Kai. He pursed his lips, as if choosing wisely which words to deliberately sputter out. "She said that if it's gone on for more than three-four months, then it's probably not just a limerence."
The elder of the two sighed. The constant of his inclination towards Soobin had lasted for so much more than three-four months then. The feelings he had was so consistent, like a flame of a candle refusing to die. Perhaps, then, Yeonjun's hands must've protected the flames from dying, but the heat was starting to eat his hand alive, burning him until he lost all sensations just because of a small fire.
"You should at least talk to him about it, hyung."
"What if it all goes wrong?" asked Yeonjun, despondently. "At the end of the day, he's kind to everyone and I'm one of the few lucky ones to experience his kindness. But to be liked by him... I don't think I'll ever be enough. He's everything and I'm just me, Kai. He deserves so much more than me." He looked down at his wiggling feet, feeling the ripples of the water swirling on his skin. "I'm sort of afraid that if things don't go smoothly, then I'd lose everything I've built within me for all these time," he confessed. "I think I can handle rejection, Kai. I just don't know how to deal with the emptiness that comes after." He looked at Kai. "Although Soobin's not who I'd consider the closest friend of mine, I still don't want to think of the chances I might lose contact with him."
The younger stayed quiet for a while. "If he's so kind like what you said and believe, then he won't distance himself just from a little confession from someone who admires him a lot," he replied. "And even if he doesn't like you back, he still enjoys your presence regardless and he'll still like you as a friend without a burden, because he's genuinely kind like that." He smiled warmly towards Yeonjun.
"Hyung, you're undoubtedly my closest friend right now, and you know that I love you undyingly as a friend, so I do care about you," said Kai. "You need to start thinking about yourself too. You don't have to be so selfless all the time. Your feelings are just as important as everybody else's." He reached out Yeonjun's hand and held it for support. "Talk to him, hyung."
Perhaps, Kai was right. Yeonjun had spent his entire life striving for flawlessness while at the same time prioritizing everyone else before him. All those time, he learned that he had to be good every time. That he had to walk on his knees, for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting. But perhaps, he only needed to let go sometimes, that he needed to let the soft animal of his body loved what it loved. That it's alright for him to enjoy exuberant freedom at times, letting go off the strongholds.
Maybe. "I will."
The evening was falling quick. Soobin, Yeonjun, and Kai promised Beomgyu and Taehyun they'd meet at the restaurant near the beach for dinner. Though at first they were reluctant since they'd already spent enough money on the expenses for that vacation's stay, the mention of Taehyun paying for the dinner because it's his family friend's place and he'd only have to pay half price lured them right away.
Yeonjun drove them with Soobin's car to the venue, because Kai claimed to not be able to drive as well as Yeonjun and Yeonjun noticed how exhausted Soobin was and insisted Soobin to not drive. Though met with little resistance from Soobin, the man finally gave up and sat beside Yeonjun. Kai only giggled as he watched the two argued and mentioned how they sounded like an old married couple.
The drive didn't take so long. After all, they picked a villa very near to the beach, that was only thirty minutes by walk and less than ten minutes by car. When they arrived, they found two people in matching flowery shirts waving at them while holding glasses of margarita.
"Wow, tacky final boss," said Soobin towards Beomgyu. "Do you both have to wear stereotypical holiday shirts right now?"
"Don't ask me, Beomie asked me to wear it. I'm just his pathetic little kitten." Taehyun raised his hands on the air, but the last sentence of his response made Kai and Yeonjun gag instead.
"It's on theme, Soobin," replied Beomgyu as Soobin and Yeonjun sat across him, while Kai sat beside him. "What do you know about that, Mr. Polo Ralph Lauren shirt all the time?" He clicked his tongue.
Soobin rolled his eyes. "At least, it's classy." He sighed. "Anyways, what did you guys order? Beomgyu doesn't even like seafood, which means he's going to eat chicken while everyone gets lobsters, then."
"Your boyfriend also doesn't like oysters, by the way," countered Beomgyu.
Boy- what?
"Yeonjun only doesn't like oysters," stated Soobin. "He's going to be able to enjoy the rest of the meal, instead of having to pick something from the kids' menu and lots of alcohol."
"Yes, we have ordered food," cut off Taehyun suddenly, holding Beomgyu back from firing back. "Can you guys stop bickering for a second?"
The bickering stopped and Kai chuckled instead.
The food arrived at that table soon after. The smell of steaming hot garlic butter shrimp filled the air when it was placed in front of them. The following dishes were equally appetizing, especially their main dish of lobster thermidor.
Everyone just dived in the dinner. They all talked and talked throughout the meal time, as if unaware that time passed by so quickly. By the time they were done eating—and even ordered more meals thrice—it was already almost nine.
Yeonjun tried not to think about how Soobin helped shred the meat for him and picked away the cilantro from the food, while keeping the oyster on his and Kai's side of the table. He tried not to think too much that Soobin helped him wipe his sauce messed lips. Yeonjun should start remembering that Soobin was just being kind when he quietly placed food on his plate unasked.
The five of them were already tipsy since they did drank cocktails and mimosas and margaritas. Only Yeonjun and Soobin were visibly sober, since they felt like the responsible older ones, while the rest of them were halfway wasted. So, when they did walk to the beach club right beside the restaurant, Soobin and Yeonjun had to help support their uncoordinated limbs.
Kai and Beomgyu decided to desecrate the dance floors by showing the people their artistic dance moves. To Yeonjun, they looked like complete idiots. Even worse, they dragged Soobin into the dance floor, and since Soobin didn't particularly go to parties due to his schedule, his lack of movement flow was showing.
Still, Yeonjun couldn't keep his eyes off Soobin. It's like his eyes were trained to him, wholly mesmerized by the way he was enjoying himself, even though he seemed silly. Soobin's exuding confidence was so attractive and Yeonjun swore his heart skipped a beat.
"Wow, you're, like, totally whipped for him," said Taehyun as he sipped his strawberry daquiri. "Like, head over heels." He snorted as he looked at Yeonjun. "We're about to be in laws soon, huh?"
Yeonjun whipped his head quickly towards Taehyun. The instant blushing reaction spread on his face like wildfire. "What?!"
Taehyun shrugged. "I'm just saying there's no way he hasn't noticed that you're in love with him." He smiled as he laid his head on the bar. "You have that same fond look that makes the butterflies go crazy in my stomach when Beomgyu looks at me."
"I'm not in love with him," lied Yeonjun. The lines were so blurry that he wasn't sure he's still not in love yet. "Besides, he doesn't even like me back."
"Sure thing." Taehyun laughed. "The sky's green and water dries things up." He sat back up and leaned his chin on his hand at the table. "You both have that goofy ass, lovesick smile when looking at each other, it's impossible to ignore. It makes me want to puke."
"Yours and Beomgyu's much worse. Thank you very much," said Yeonjun as he sipped on his virgin mojito.
"But we're literally dating, so it makes sense. Yours don't."
Yeonjun almost choked on his drink. He coughed out as soon as he stopped drinking, until his eyes turned red. He paused for a while. "Look, Tyun," explained Yeonjun. "Soobin's kind to everyone. Just because he's kind to me doesn't mean he likes me in that way too."
"Oh yeah? He's just being kind?" Taehyun smirked. "Turn around and look at him now."
Then, Soobin was dancing and conversing with a pretty boy that seemed to be around their age. Soobin's movements were timid while the other boy was much more free spirited and confident. He seemed like he wanted to pursue Soobin, with the corner of his lips upturned and the gaze in his eyes honey glazed. His hands looked like they were itching, eager to touch Soobin's bare chest.
Yeonjun felt an ugly feeling sink in the pit of his stomach. His tongue suddenly tasted bitter despite not touching a hint of alcohol. He knew he shouldn't be jealous since they weren't anything anyways, but the fact that people were ogling over Soobin made him envious of the position whoever was flirting with Soobin.
Then again, Yeonjun was no one and there's no point of him for feeling angry. It's not his right nor it was his place. He was simply no one to Soobin. So, what's the point? Yeonjun sighed.
"No, I mean look at Soobin. Not the twink in front of him," corrected Taehyun. "You might be jealous now, but just look at his eyes and body language. He's literally showing disinterest and he doesn't even look at that guy."
Taehyun was right. Soobin didn't even look at the eyes of the boy who was talking to him. Instead, he forced out a smile before whispering something. His motions too were blocking his body from being touched by the stranger, as if he really wasn't willing to do anything with him, like he was turning him down non verbally.
Suddenly, Soobin's gaze shifted towards Yeonjun. When their eyes met across the room, Soobin's eyes glinted of something magnificent, something magical that sparked within Yeonjun. He smiled fondly and tenderly so, warmth seeping into the pores of Yeonjun's skin despite being meters apart.
The stranger soon left Soobin alone but Soobin still kept contact with Yeonjun's eyes. There was a strange thickness in the air between them that Yeonjun refused to address, the kind of beauty Yeonjun didn't think he could talk about. There was an immense replenished desire within him to do something about it, to kiss Soobin about it, but he just couldn't. And he probably shouldn't.
"See?"
Or should he?
"I guess."
They all went home some hours after midnight, closer to dawn, since the younger ones were totally drunk. They seemed so out of it to the point that they could barely open their eyes and had to be carried by the sober ones, both to the car and back to the house. When they were all finally put in their respective bedrooms, Yeonjun and Soobin were already exhausted to the core, especially Yeonjun who was the one that drove back.
Neither Yeonjun nor Soobin changed their clothes. They didn't wash themselves or anything. Instead, they just plopped to their beds, laying side by side in silence as they stared at the ceilings.
"I can't sleep," prompted Soobin. He sat up. "And it's kind of useless to sleep now since our next itinerary tomorrow starts at two, while the sunrise is pretty soon." He looked at Yeonjun, expectant.
Yeonjun sat up too. "So... what you are implying is...?"
"Why don't we just go to the beach?" offered Soobin. "We should just watch the sunrise. I think it'd be nice to capture you with my camera there." He grinned softly, so endearing and affectionate.
In hindsight, it didn't seem like a good idea to Yeonjun. It's still pretty dark, and it'd probably be better for them to stay in, just in case the younger ones needed them. Yet then, it would be ridiculous to turn Soobin's offer down, when all he wanted was to spend his time, just the two of them together, and he wouldn't miss the chance on doing it in a beautiful place where he'd be able to watch the orange streaks bleed into the purple sky reflected in the waters. So, "Okay."
The two didn't drive back to the beach. They chose to walk instead, feeling the breeze of the wind envelop their bodies. It's nice for them to be able to look at the stars with naked eyes too, since the glittering constellations were pretty visible due to the slightly less light pollution than it was in the cities.
Maybe it's due to their tiredness, but they didn't really speak all the way to the beach. It was pretty tranquil that way.
As expected, the beach was beautiful. It was especially gorgeous when no one else was around except for the two of them. It was incredibly peaceful too just to watch the waves crash to the shore and the world unfold in front of their eyes. The smell of salt lingered in the air, and it probably would stick on their skin for the rest of the day.
"Your childhood home used to be near the beach, wasn't it?" asked Yeonjun as he shoved his hands inside his own pockets. "Beomgyu told me in a passing once."
"We had two childhood homes. One in Ansan and one in Daegu," explained Soobin. "We did live in Ansan, where our house was very near the beach, back in our early childhood, and sometimes we would go to Daegu during the colder days. Though then during our late childhood and early teenagers, we would fight a lot badly enough that our parents decided to separate us for a while, so I'd stay in Ansan and Beomgyu would stay in Daegu. Therefore, Beomgyu developed a Daegu accent and mine stayed the same, until we both moved to Seoul to live on our own without our parents at sixteen and our accents devolved into what we have now." He paused briefly. "I think during that time I figured finally that I really missed Beomgyu. When we started livin together again, life felt so much better somehow." He chuckled. "It's silly, right? I think I missed bickering with him." He snorted. "So, nowadays we do bicker playfully, but I'm trying to be kinder at him. Beomgyu's life isn't really easy and he's trying his best, so perhaps I shouldn't make him feel worse and I'm trying to be kinder at him- Sorry, did I ramble too much?"
Yeonjun chuckled. "No, no," he said. Quite the opposite, Yeonjun was fully amused. Something about the way Soobin talked about his brother made him feel warm and fuzzy inside, and perhaps it's the pouring love from his gaze. He wondered if Soobin had ever talked about him with those eyes too. "I like it when you yap. I'm naturally anxious so it's nice. It shuts down a part of my easily overstimulated and overwhelmed brain." He smiled. He looked at Soobin's eyes and found that glint of adoration again.
Soobin laughed, breathily and heartily. "I'd say we're pretty compatible then," he said jokingly. Then, he smiled. "Come on, let's take pictures of you," he told Yeonjun as he pointed at the camera slung on his neck, hanging just in front of his chest. "You can use them to curate your Instagram page."
The elder walked towards the water. Then, he paused and turned around. "How'd you know I'd post it on Instagram?"
"Come on user yawnzzn," said Soobin. "Your aesthetically pleasing page is the inspo for Taehyun's page, or haven't you heard? Mr. hypocrite right there said he didn't care about social media, but then thought your page should be the standard for a social media account that he'd decide to curate it in a similar way."
Yeonjun laughed, somehow carefree. Not because he hadn't heard of the fact before. Not because Soobin was immensely funny. But then, because he felt seen. Because somehow Soobin knew him in a way that he didn't think anyone would notice. Soobin saw right through him and Yeonjun felt funny, and perhaps more because it's such a small thing yet somehow it didn't go in vain in Soobin's eyes.
"How should I pose?"
"I don't know. I'm not the model," answered Soobin playfully, earning a sharp glance from the older male. He huffed. "Just do it in your own way. I believe you'd look beautiful in every shot anyways." And so Soobin did take a few photos using his camera.
Yeonjun knew of Soobin's hobby that he'd neglected for a while due to his business from the pictures framed in his living room that made it feel like a gallery. He felt a little giddy that he was somewhat Soobin's muse then. He should probably feel honored.
They did so until the dawn became more visible and sunlight started bleeding through the darkness. Yeonjun had the most fun by dipping his feet on the water and drawing hearts on the sand. He'd let Soobin take candid pictures of him, though at times he'd do deliberate poses that made him feel like he's in Vogue. At some point, Yeonjun wished the moment could last forever that way, and not just in the photos Soobin took.
And perhaps the wish didn't come as a surprise. Perhaps, the wish came from the way Soobin gazed at him through the lenses, still warmth pouring out of his gaze despite not being fully seen from outwards. Perhaps, Yeonjun saw that beautiful gummy smile on his mouth, showing the set of beautiful white teeth, especially the cute poking bunny ones at front. Perhaps, Yeonjun was a bit more in love with Soobin that he thought he knew.
Yeonjun tried to ignore the buzzing in his guts.
Yeonjun looked at the vast ocean at last. The sun was about to rise any time soon, so he wanted to record it with his own two eyes. He could feel the notion behind him like Soobin's setting up something, but when he wanted to look behind, Soobin was already beside him instead. "Oh, hey."
A smile bloomed on Soobin's lips. "Hey." He paused momentarily. "I set up the camera back there and I have the remote here," he started. He panted a bit and there's a visible flush across his cheeks that Yeonjun couldn't quite help but notice, most likely since he did run a bit towards the spot, and Yeonjun found it really cute. "I set it up to take pictures of my own self and the sunrise, but I was also thinking about, ugh, if..." His voice trailed at the end.
"If...?" Yeonjun raised his eyebrows until they were knitted together above his nose.
"If we should take pictures together too." Soobin sounded a bit unsure, like he made a timid plea towards Yeonjun. "No pressure though. I mean it's bad enough I dragged you here when you wanted to sleep-"
Yeonjun snorted. "Don't be silly, Bin," he said. Soobin's considerate self wasn't a mere facade towards him then, as it sounded inherently tender.There's nothing I'd rather do but to immortalize this moment with you. "Sure, I'd love to. Let's wait for the sunrise then." He smiled.
"Uhm, hey, can I tell you something?" asked Soobin, unprompted.
Yeonjun looked at Soobin. His heart skipped a beat. Suddenly, his mind was a whirlwind, and fear caught him in his weakest moment. He thought of the possibility that Soobin might know his inner most feeling and was feeling uncomfortable with it. He gulped, trying to swallow the fear away. "Mhm?"
Soobin was standing facing fully at Yeonjun then, and Yeonjun did the same. "First of all, I want to apologize," he said, something conflicting in his eyes as he looked down. "I like you, Yeonjun, and I'm sorry because it's just so hard not to fall for you from the first sight, and while I really never meant to, I just couldn't help it. It's like it didn't matter how many beautiful boys I'm surrounded with, because at the end of the day, my eyes, they always land at you."
The absurd statement itself made Yeonjun doubt if he was mishearing things. He widened his eyes, in shock.
"And I think I went too far last night, because I've been letting these feelings take over me for some time now, but I just really wanted to indulge with you last night, and as much as I could blame the fact that I was half asleep, it still couldn't justify the fact that I was wrong." Soobin's hands trembled a bit, the way his hoarse voice was. When he finally embraced himself to look at Yeonjun with despaired gaze, he pursed his quivering lips. "Truth is I've been in love with you for a while now, and I don't think I can hold it back anymore, so I want to be a bit selfish now and tell you this, but just know that I'm not hoping that you return my feelings or anything, because you're such an amazing person who deserves someone who's so much more..."
It felt insane to Yeonjun that Soobin broke down that way when Yeonjun was the one who invaded Soobin's space and he was just cuddling him because he wanted to help Yeonjun sleep. He was that gentle and it made Yeonjun's stomach chun upon the realization.
Yeonjun swore the earth stopped spinning. He couldn't hear whatever else Soobin was talking, as the confirmation was enough to him, but he could see what's in his eyes when he said it: love. All those time, Soobin's love was bleeding all over him and Yeonjun thought he'd been interpreting it wrong. He recognized it then.
It occurred to Yeonjun of something funny. Perhaps, they hadn't been pi, but something close like twenty two over seven. Had they been mirroring one another like parallel lines the whole time? It's silly, really. Though then, they did meet finally, after long circles around. They did meet finally, just like it was intended to.
Standing on his tippy toes, Yeonjun leaped. His arms flung around Soobin's nape, and he kissed Soobin. He kissed Soobin like that was the last day the earth existed. He kissed Soobin with every end of his body's nerves, with vigor and passion he had pressed down for so long. He kissed Soobin with every part of his being, opening the dam and letting the river flow loosely towards the firth where the ocean accepted its weigh willingly, yearningly. Yeonjun kissed Soobin, the way he'd waited for so long, in a way that he'd finally breathe as relief washed over him.
Soobin seemed to be in an equal state of disbelief. His shaky hands finally was placed on Yeonjun's waist, unsurprising huge palms holding Yeonjun's whole dainty one. His breath hitched the moment Yeonjun pulled them closer together, until there was not a gap between them, to the point he didn't know where he ended and Yeonjun started.
When Yeonjun finally pulled away, and rested his temple on Soobin's, he smiled. "For the longest time, I thought I was the only one who felt so for you," he confessed, at the end, and perhaps it's for the best for the truth to be aired out. "I like you too, Soobin, very much so that I'm in love with you."
"You... love me?"
Yeonjun giggled, burying his face on Soobin's collarbones. "For the past year, never not." He could feel Soobin's arms stopped hovering over him respectfully and grasped him tight instead. "I've been meaning to say it but I was afraid I was misunderstanding things and you didn't like me in that way."
"Nonsense," responded Soobin as he rested his chin on Yeonjun's head. "Loving you comes so innate to me, Yeonjun. You're just so easy to love."
But Yeonjun knew he really wasn't. Maybe, Soobin was looking through heart shaped glasses all those time, looking at Yeonjun with the pink tint that made him look wonderful. "You just make so much effort to like me, Soobin. There's no way I'm that easy to love."
Soobin raised his eyebrows. "I make so much effort because I like you, not the other way around," replied Soobin as he pulled back to look at Yeonjun. His gaze seemed to be learning the details of Yeonjun's face, like trying to etch it in the back of his mind, so he could remember it for the rest of his life. "You're easy to like, easy to love. You make me want to be a better person and you make me want to try for you, because you deserve to be treated as so."
"Thank you for loving me, Soobin."
"No," said Soobin. "Thank you. Thank you for loving me back."
Soobin clicked the one minute timer on his remote control. He cupped Yeonjun's face as he gazed at him lovingly, like he always did. "Do you want to be boyfriends, Yeonjun?"
"I do," replied Yeonjun. He felt warmth buzzing in his stomach when Soobin's hot breath hit his face. "I'm still quite in disbelief that you've liked me this whole time and I thought I was being delusional, though." He huffed a bit.
The younger huffed too. "Me too, actually."
Had it been so obvious between them the whole time? Suddenly, Yeonjun felt so stupid for not trusting his instincts. The man in front of him was willing to gift the entire world to him and he should've seen it a long time ago. Time stretched long enough until when it happened, but Yeonjun was grateful it finally did happen.
"I love you a lot, Choi Soobin. I've always done so, and I think I'll keep on doing so."
"I love you too, Choi Yeonjun, more than you think you know."
When they kissed again, the streaks of orange burst in the sky. The sun arose anew, the begging of a brand new day, the start of another journey. When Soobin pressed his lips against Yeonjun's again, a blinding flash eternalized that moment of them together. And perhaps, a new journey awaited for them to walk on hand in hand, for the rest of time.