Work Text:
bury me in all my favourite colours
(listen to cancer-twenty one pilots cover while you read. prevention against overwhelming emotions not guaranteed)
Tyler faces the glowing screen of his laptop. It's a muted grey, and morphs into an understated shade of almost-hopeful pastel blue when a new chat pops up.
spookyjim: hi
spookyjim: how r u?
tylerr: trying not to kill myself, and u
spookyjim: I hear u. That's y we're all here huh
spookyjim: I'll start. I have acute social anxiety and depression
tylerr: yea? I have those AND schizophrenia
spookyjim: cool. we shd be best frens already
tylerr: sure, don't have one anyway. wru from?
spookyjim: Columbus Ohio. U?
tylerr: no wayyy
spookyjim: yeah. It gets way too cold and dreary here sometimes
tylerr: tell me about it. perfect mood for writing though
spookyjim: sweet, u write?
tylerr: ya pretty much the only thing I do
spookyjim: tell me one of your poems
spookyjim: I mean, if you wanna share
tylerr: not poems really; more like slam poetry/rap lol and occasional ukulele
spookyjim: that's a sick combo dude
spookyjim: I dabble on my drums for fun
tylerr: dayum we should start a band huh
spookyjim: for sure
tylerr: I do everything but country
spookyjim: ugh country's the worst
tylerr: for real
spookyjim: so your names Tyler?
tylerr: yeah, and you?
spookyjim: you're looking at it
tylerr: Jim? that's an old people name isn't it
tylerr: nothing against old people, I love my grandpa to bits
spookyjim: jk. I'm josh. Joshua William dun
tylerr: nice to meet you Joshua William dun. I'm Tyler Robert Joseph
spookyjim: giving out personal info now huh
tylerr: hey, you did it first
spookyjim: fair enough
spookyjim: hb we throw in our numbers too
spookyjim: u seem like a cool guy
tylerr: ok I don't mind death by stranger stalking and assault actually
spookyjim: ikr way better than the migraines in my head
spookyjim: gotta go. I'll text u tyler. Was nice chatting
tylerr: u too. Stay alive
spookyjim: l-/
spookyjim: oops *:-)
*
Tyler doesn't really want to admit it, but the best parts of his days now consists of talking to Joshua, besides working on his music.
He was glad he fought the temptation to cut that day, and just sat down in front of his computer and went on to the online mental health community. It had always been pointless; more counter-effective than therapeutic in any way. He always received more dismal and negative messages than uplifting ones; ones that fed his insecurities and screamed that life was anything but worth living. His Blurryface.
This one though, felt different. The messages were not suffocating chemically dark grey. They were, surprisingly, a salty sea-green and dark chocolate velvety red.
Joshua: hey, sup?
Tyler: composing
Joshua: shoot, I wanna hear
Tyler: okay, tell me what you think.
I know where you stand
Silent in the trees
And that's why I don't understand
Why I can't see
Joshua: hmm
I feel like you shouldn't make the rhymes so obvious
Tyler: oh okay
Any suggestions though?
Joshua: I kinda have to hear it first
Joshua: do you mind recording it? How it sounds on your piano, or when you sing it
Tyler: shoot I
Joshua: I won't judge. Ok, technically I am, but
Joshua: it's alright tyler
Tyler took a deep breath.
Tyler: okay. I'll send it to you soon. Give me some time
Joshua: np l-/
Joshua: grr. *:-)
Joshua: I like being someone's muse
Tyler: ha don't flatter yourself
Joshua: ;-)
Tyler: hey, I kinda dig the l-/ thing though
Joshua: oh?
Joshua: well, it could be our code for everything will be alright no matter what shitstorms we're going through or something deep
Tyler: I live for deep stuff
Joshua: OK fren l-/
Tyler: talk to u soon l-/
*
Tyler really feels like Joshua-Josh- is his new best friend, or maybe he really is. After all, he doesn't even have a real friend to speak of. He can't believe how similar Josh is to him as well.
That night, his usual suicidal thoughts are replaced by unbelievably happy hypothetical scenarios. He imagines how Josh might look like. More good looking than himself for sure.
His phone vibrates.
Josh: thinking of me?
Tyler bit back a smile.
Tyler: pssh, remind me again who you are?
Josh: if you really find it hard to remember
Image attachment. Open?
Astonished, Tyler presses his thumb down onto the file.
'Wow'. Tyler's synesthesia hits him full force and he stares at the photo with a spinning head that could only be described as giddy excitement. Cotton candy pink hair. C-major lips. Mocha brown eyes.
Josh: ik I'm hot but you must not be too bad yourself?
Tyler starts perusing his photo gallery. He looks downright depressed in all of the family photos. Then he remembers the videos he'd recorded and starts to screenshot the scenes where he looks decently cute and happy.
Tyler: don't be too disappointed.
Tyler waits. A few minutes pass and Josh still has not replied. Blurryface is doing beats in his heads and murmuring poison flavoured dark thoughts into his ears again.
Josh: gee golly joseph you're a masterpiece
Tyler: josh I've looked at myself in the mirror
Tyler: you're the gorgeous one
Josh: okay we definitely need to start a band now
Josh: just imagine the number of fangirls we'll get. ;)))
Tyler: for real?
Josh: for real. I mean, we don't live that far from each other and I got a car
Josh: idm driving
Tyler's heart is beating very, very quickly now, and he knows it's not an anxiety attack.
Tyler: yeah? Idm meeting you, too
Tyler: how soon do you want it
Josh: I don't have much of a life so... This Saturday? In 2 days?
Josh: short notice so it's alrite if you can't
Tyler: sure why not
Josh: cool. See you tyjo
Tyler: see u jishwa
*
Josh's voice is a G-major key; aquamarine-ish with touches of silver.
'I'll be there in an hour.' Josh says. 'I just need to pick up some things on the way.'
'Okay.' Tyler hates how his voice sounds. It's so non-threatening to the point of sounding wimpy and pre-pubescent. He can't even describe it with piano scales. It's a freaking triangle.
Josh chuckles, (a perfect shade of pastel blue) says goodbye and hangs up.
*
It has been two hours, and Joshua Dun has not said anything to him since the first phone conversation they'd had.
Tyler has left 2 messages, one voicemail and 2 missed calls.
He's pulling a fast one on you. You should've known.
'Shut up. You know nothing.'
Don't blame anyone but yourself. You trust too easily and always end up getting burnt.
'Shut up, just shut up.' Tyler's vision blurs with angry tears. His fingers reach out to the chalk flavoured blade on his desk while Blurry sneers beside his ears.
He watches mutely as the ruby red drops stain his wooden table and a dark veil descends steadily onto his consciousness.
*
Tyler wakes up in a very bright, very white, chlorine-flavoured room which saturates his senses in the most nauseating manner. He takes in the banana flavored duvet covering him, the poisonously red Jell-O chair, the metallic tasting hospital bracelet circling his bony wrist and quickly closes his eyes again. There is only so much he can handle at one go.
His memories come flooding back to him and his eyes fly open as he searches frantically for his phone. He sees it on the cough syrup beige bedside table and grabs it like a lifesaver.
2 missed calls, 3 texts, 2 voice mails from Josh. 1 text from Mom.
Josh: Tyler. I am so, so sorry. I got into a minor accident on my way there. Please don't worry, I'm totally fine now. Please forgive me, I suck.
Josh: Tyler, please reply. I know you're pissed and you have the right to be but I need to know you're still here
Josh: I'm calling you Tyler. Please tell me you're okay.
Tyler listens to the voicemails and ignores his mother's text.
Josh sounds really worried. And also kind of weak. He must have been shaken up pretty badly. He gets a brain wave.
Tyler: hey josh, I'm sorry for not replying on time. I'm not mad, I promise. And I hope you're recovering well. Are you at the main hospital?
Josh: yeah
Tyler: oh okay. Take care!
Tyler feels a new wave of determination and hope wash over him. He grabs his IV stand and stands up shakily. Once he's sure he has gotten his bearings, he slips on the papery thin hospital slippers and sneaks out of the room.
*
'Joshua William Dun?'
'Yes.' Tyler is getting mildly annoyed now. How many times does he have to repeat himself?
'I'm afraid he's not in any of the recent A&E units. Maybe he's at another floor?' The nurse shrugs apologetically.
'Oh, okay.' Tyler deflates visibly. Why the heck would Josh lie to him about this? Did he really not want to meet Tyler and just made up some sort of shitty excuse?
'I'll help you check the other departments, hold on a moment.' The nurse says, clicking away on the keyboard with her plastic flavoured acrylic nails.
'That won't be necessary.' Tyler says in a strangled tone as a puke-green, chemically taste fills his mouth. 'Thank you very much.'
Tyler turns on his heel and flees.
*
Tyler is walking about aimlessly. He's not even listening to Blurry who is yelling at him now. He's just filled with an unspeakable rage. How dare Josh Dun let him think he was worth Tyler's tears and worrying. How dare he play around with Tyler's emotions. Josh Dun was just like everyone. Superficial and sly.
He rounds the corner and bumps into someone.
'Sorry, sorry, are you alright?' A blonde lady starts apologizing profusely. Her voice is baby pink, kissed with sunset orange and tinged with a subtle sorrowful blue.
'Yeah I'm fine.' Tyler replies gruffly.
'I really didn't mean it. I suck.' The woman sighs deeply and the piece of fringe on her forehead flips upwards. Tyler bit his lip to hide his amused smile but she catches it and looks away, embarrassed.
'At least take this?' she offers a chocolate pudding to him.
Tyler finds that he's actually starving. He hasn't eaten anything since... Since the saga. 'I do need it, thanks.' he says gratefully. 'And I'm not angry. Not at you, anyway.'
'Oh.' she looks concerned. 'Want to talk about it?'
Something in her expression told Tyler that she genuinely wanted to know how he was feeling. 'I got duped. So I cut. And ended up here.'
'Oh, wow.' she nods thoughtfully. 'I know someone sort of like that. Um, sad, I mean. I can't begin to imagine how hard it must be.'
'There are so many depressed people in the world, and those who are strong enough can hide it, but it's just a matter of time before the facade breaks, ' Tyler slips into one of his deep moods.
'You're wise.' the lady nods appreciatively. 'I'm actually visiting him right now. Want to come?'
Tyler gives a half-shrug. He squints at the sign ahead of him which reads Oncology. He doesn't really know what it means, never been much of a science guy, but it fills him with a grey-blue dread that sends bile riding up to this throat.
Tyler's eyes connect with the guy sitting on the hospital bed, who is attached to countless long bruised purple tubes. He takes in his bald scalp, his mocha brown eyes ringed with dark eye-bags, his chapped and faded C-major lips.
'I'm...' Josh's voice is a B-flat; indigo and grey.
Tyler wants to run, but he can't.
*