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I blame Morgan.
Until the second that Audrey said she had received an anonymous favoritism complaint, everything was innocent.
We were only running. That’s it. Claire was spiraling the drain of depression after her mother’s death, I was struggling to keep the mask of “everything’s fine” after my breakup with Audrey; it was therapeutic for both of us! We didn’t get too personal; sharing laughs, venting frustrations, volleying ideas on cases when she wasn’t assigned to me. Claire is an exceptional resident, I knew she was special from the beginning, but it makes me proud to hear how well she is doing even on the days when she isn’t part of my service. I’m proud of all my residents when they are praised! But we only ran. Sure, we raced and there was the occasional teasing in the form of faked injuries & cheated starts, but it was just fun! We only occasionally finished a run with coffee from this really great food truck near the hospital, so yes, I know how she takes her coffee now, but those stops weren’t a regular occurrence. At the end of the run, we went our separate ways.
And then came that complaint.
Maybe Audrey was right. I sat at home that night and started thinking over all my interactions with Claire. Did I have a problem? Was I only listening to her, side with her too often? Was I flirting as we ran? Did I mean to? Shit.
So I tried to stop it, but as I sat in my car outside the bar that night, I reasoned with myself. As a doctor, if I prescribe medicine and it works to make the patient feel better, I would never tell them to just stop taking it suddenly; knowing that would lead to a setback or possible relapse of symptoms. I’d have them wean off it. Yes! I went back in, settled on my approach. Runs with Claire helped me clear my head and lift the weight of stress. But as her attending, I did need to stop relying on her so much. It didn’t mean we couldn’t be friends. Right?
Except…being friends now meant having to hide our time together to avoid feeding the rumor mill. No more runs near the hospital. We started meeting up farther away and in neighborhoods not near Morgan or Alex. We started to see new restaurants and coffee shops that looked good as we ran these new streets. We were already away from prying eyes, so no harm in checking them out together after our runs, right? Except sometimes we ran too late, so we met up early the next morning for coffee at a new place or even on a Sunday when we were both off to try a brunch place. Shit.
Yeah, it’s all Morgan’s fault.
Had she never made that complaint, we would never have been in the next town over for a run and never would have spotted that bowling alley being re-opened under new ownership. Had she never made that complaint, I would have never suggested faking an argument to throw her off our scent so Claire could cut out early and meet me at that bowling alley for a late-night session & drinks. Had she never made that complaint, I would have never offered Chinese food and a movie at my place after bowling to make up for laughing at how badly she bowled and to sober up after our beers. Had she never made that complaint; I would have never been sitting here on the couch with Claire Browne curled against my side having decided on a journey of watching all the X-Men movies in their proper order. Not all in one night of course. Which means this will become a regular occurrence.
I didn’t have a problem before the complaint, but I’ve got one now!
No. This is not a “problem”. Not for us. Claire and I have built a friendship, no different than how Audrey and I built our friendship during our residency. Morgan’s complaint was just a flicked switch that began to make me see our friendship in a new light. And I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one seeing clearly. My hand hangs down from the back of the couch, fingertips grazing her shoulder. She shifts and snuggles closer; reaching up with her left hand she grabs my hand and pulls it down to settle on her elbow no different than pulling a blanket off the back of the couch. I turn my head and glance down at her, raising an eyebrow. Unable to avoid the tease, I add, “I can get you a blanket.”
“Shhh. I’m happy just like this.” She says casting a grin my way and resting her head against my chest.
A warmth settles in my chest. There are no steamy looks yet, no eyes burning with desire. Not yet. We aren’t there yet, but I know we will be.
I return my attention to the movie and tighten my grip on her arm.
“Me too.” I think in my head and I thank Morgan for making that complaint.