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It wasn’t easy to join a daoist sect when you had basically no idea about anything related to daoism and had spent so long living in the streets. Quan Yizhen knew that extremely well, and even if now he had a shixiong that cared about him and tried his best to help him get accustomed to his new life, it was still an uphill battle.
The thing was that, no matter what Yin Yu-shixiong said or did, or how much he tried to defend him, it would always be true that Quan Yizhen was different from the rest of the disciples in their sect. They were always ostracizing him, always ready to bully him, even, constantly reminding him of how unwelcome he was.
“You speak too loudly!” they yelled, which didn’t aid him to solve his confusion. Why were they allowed to yell at him, yet got mad when he spoke a bit loud?
He was honestly just too excited about everything around him, and was not used to having to talk in a quieter voice yet. Sometimes, the complaint was the opposite: he spoke too quietly and others could not hear him, or simply he tried to speak in a lower volume, but no one paid attention and so he was louder again… only to end up being chastised anyway.
He simply had no way to win, apparently. No matter what he did, it was always the wrong thing to do.
”Why are you looking at me like that?! Stop staring!”
It was hard for him to pay attention without looking at them directly, but for some reason, he was not supposed to do that. And at the same time, if he needed to move —he always needed to move, his body felt weird if he was still for too long— then it was also disrespectful, even if he was paying attention and listening. No one believe him when he said he was paying attention, or that his staring was not meant to be disrespectful. They just never listened to him.
The rules were more important than the intent behind his actions.
”Why can’t you just follow the rules?!” they yelled at him, whenever he made some mistake that he didn’t even realize he was making.
No one ever explained to him which ones were those rules he was breaking! Yin Yu–shixiong was always helping him learn and remember the different rules of their sect, and Quan Yizhen sincerely did his best to memorize them and abide to them, of course. He wanted to be a good shidi and make his Yin Yu–shixiong proud!
But there were also so many unspoken rules that everyone else seemed to know already, but that no one bothered to explain or let him know about with clarity.
And he was only a ten year old boy! Not only that: a ten year old boy that had spent several years fending for himself in the streets, without anyone else to care for him or show him how he was supposed to act. Why did they expect him to know how to behave, to fulfill expectations that were so high, when he had been there for less than a year?!
Well, it wasn’t really new for him, to be excluded and discriminated wherever he went. Even back when he was still living in the streets, the people around him had already treated him differently because of his appearance, always talking about his hair, making comments that made no sense to him, but that had to do with the place his parents came from.
Parents he couldn’t even remember, and who had taught him nothing, because they died too soon, leaving him alone in a world that was extremely hostile and cruel towards him. Not that it was their fault, of course.
Apparently, all they had left for him was an appearance that singled him out as an outsider, no matter where he went.
But he was determined to stay in the sect, because to him, his shixiong felt like family, and he knew he was safe with him.
He had hoped that, when he grew up, things would get easier. That he would learn all the rules, would understand what was the problem with him.
But all he managed was to feel even more confused, and in the long run, more hurt.
Growing up did nothing to bridge that gap he could feel between himself and his peers.
Following Yin Yu to the Heavens was more of the same… But this time, Yin Yu was not helping him learn the rules anymore.
He wasn’t trying to cause problems on purpose, and all he wanted was to find a way to make shixiong proud of him again, but somehow he kept constantly fucking things up.
If he wasn’t fighting with the other officials from the Middle Court, he was fighting Jian Shi, who was constantly chastising him for getting into those fights and bringing shame to their palace.
“But wouldn’t it bring even more shame if we say nothing when they’re saying all that bullshit about us?! Why are we not allowed to defend shixiong’s honor?!”
“Just stay put! That’s all you have to do!” Jian Shi replied, refusing to explain, angry as he always was.
It would hurt too much for Jian Shi to say that they simply had to take it, because Yin Yu’s standing in the Heavens was not high enough for them to be able to retaliate. To admit that they were all mediocre at best, that they were expected to let the other, more powerful palaces stomp over them if they so wanted to.
It was exhausting, and depressing, too. He didn’t want to stay there, if constant humiliation was the price to pay. But he had to try, for shixiong.
He still told Yin Yu that they should leave, though, on the one occasion that Yin Yu admitted he wasn’t happy up there.
Of course he ended up misunderstanding that conversation too.
Ascending did nothing but make things worse, and he never managed to fix anything.
Looking back, it felt like he had fundamentally misunderstood so many things.
Like he had always been speaking a different language than the rest of the people around him, like all his actions were wrong, like he had been acting like a lunatic to their eyes, no matter what he did, no matter his intentions, no matter what rules he tried to follow and which ones he decided to break.
Other people broke the right ones. Other people followed the right ones. Other people knew what things to say, when to say them, and to who.
After everything went to shit, after the most confusing and painful and traumatizing event in his whole existence had passed, and he recovered enough to wake up alone in his empty palace instead of surrounded by healers…
He decided to shut his mouth unless it was strictly necessary for him to speak.
He decided to stop trying to bridge the abyss between himself and the rest of the world.
He would rather spend his energy looking for his shixiong’s whereabouts and dealing with his responsibilities as a Heavenly Official. Even if he didn’t want to, his position as the Martial God of the West was the last legacy of Yin Yu.
And he was going to protect it, until the day Yin Yu could reclaim his rightful place in the Heavens and make everything right again.