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The whole town is talking 'bout how you've fallen in love
I read in the papers, he's someone that girls dream about
Some kind of ruler on top of a kingdom
I'm just a jester, I'll never be him
Columbina was certain that this was the first positive emotion she has felt since her death.
Being a ghost, one would think she would only feel resentment, anger, sadness, that sort of stuff. And she did, mostly. Seeing her fellow circus members, her family, over the years as they continued to quietly mourn her didn't help. Her sacrifice was one that she willingly gave, she had even begged Harlequin, but it didn't lessen the pain, it appears. Nonetheless, it seemed her ghost, or soul, was tethered to them for some reason. She couldn't leave even if she wanted to. Though, if given the choice, she doesn't know what she would choose.
She always was the indecisive one in the group.
As centuries passed, she followed them slowly, quietly, always in the shadows. Watching as they lived, preformed, cried, ate, everything. Some days were better then others, some were worse, and she was a witness to it all. Especially whatever was happening between Pierrot and Harlequin. After herself, Pierrot has the biggest heart. He never stood up for himself, which always made her sad, but it's not like she could've done any better. She couldn't even stand up for herself back when they were imprisoned. She would always follow that particular duo if they went somewhere together, a bittersweet feeling in her chest as her imagination caused her to think of a diffrent lifetime, one where they're all together, preforming and laughing. Bitersweetness was a usual feeling for her. She didn't remember the last time she truly felt happy.
Then one day, you appeared.
She did not know what to make of you.
You, a singularity, a four leaf clover, someone who finally saw her.
When you went to her when she called to you, oh how her dead heart stuttered from shock. She would finally be able to tell her version of the story, with her own words, no one else's.
And she did.
After a silent 'obrigado', she vanished, thinking it would be the last she would see of you.
It wasn't.
Last night, you called to me
It almost killed me
To hear you scream my name
Your smile still kills the same
"Columbina? Are you there?"
With an echo of jingles, she appeared. A shy smile was on her ghostly, pale face as she looked at you. "Hello again, dear one. What brings you to call upon me? Do you need help?"
You smile shyly as you sit on the bed.
"No. I just wanted to talk to you. Hang out, y'know. Even if you're a ghost and all."
That gave her pause.
"Oh. I hadn't... expected that." She truly didn't.
Your eyes soften at that. But soon after, your face contorts into a serious but sad expression. "...The story in the mirror... was it true?" Your eyes flicker across her face, desperately searching for even a small sliver of a lie, as if it would be easier to process.
Columbina looked down, her face unreadable. "Yes. It was. That was my version of events, anyway. The others... they wrote their own tales of how it went. To cope with their loss and grief." She paused. Then, "I don't blame them, you know."
Your gaze snapped to hers. "W-what? Wh-how?!"
The ghost sat down beside you on the bed, her presence not even noted on the sheets because of her lack of weight. Her lack of being alive. "It was not only so long ago that it would be ridiculous to still be angry, but it's also the only way i could be free." Then, barely above a whisper, "You saw what happened to me. I couldn't have continued to live normally after all that. Not like them."
She truly was the weakest, after all. Death was an easier way out then a lifetime of memories of pain and suffering.
Silence enveloped the two.
"It was fucked up, what happened to all of you. You guys shouldn't have had to go through that."
A melancholic smile graces Columbina's lips. "I know. But what's done is done. We can't go back in time and change, so we have to live with it." A pause. "Well, they do. Not me, 'cause I'm dead, obviously," she said in a lighthearted tone.
You snicker. "Wow. That was bad." The ghost cracks a smile at that.
You turn to the side and face her. "Tell you what. Since I'm the only one that can see you, you can come to me anytime you want."
The pink ghost stuttered, "W-what? But i don't want to bother you! It's ok, really, I've been alone for a while now, i don't mind-"
"Ah-ah, nope, you're stuck with me now, and I'm stuck with you." You grin mischievously. "You think I'm gonna leave you to be lonely all by yourself? I'm in this now too, yeah? This... well, unique situation, to put it lightly. And if we're both gonna be alone, then we can be alone together."
And that's how the friendship between the two of you started.
I almost turned around
You chased me to the ground
You asked me how I've been, but how do I begin
To tell you I should've chased you 'cross every single state
You had gotten drunk.
You had gotten drunk and called her.
The ghost.
Columbina stared deadpanned at you in all your drunken, bumbling, foolish glory. Were you not aware of how dangerous it was at this time of night??
"What in the world were you thinking?!"
"Columbina i told you I'm fine, it was just a few drinks, it's no big deal-" you then proceeded to almost trip as you tried to get your shoes off. "-well, mostly, but I'm still standing and walking and talking so that's good at least, right?" Then your face lit up.
"Oh yeah, i almost forgot," you slurred as you began fumbling with your bag. Columbina sighed at your state, wondering how you could be so careless-
Her thoughts were interrupted as you got close to her face. She felt- she didn't know how she felt, but she just knew her face got as pink as her clothes and she instinctively closed her eyes- for what exactly, she didn't know.
"There we go. Now you look even more beautiful, sweetheart."
Columbina startled at the nickname and her eyes snapped open. She was met with you holding up a little handheld mirror, making her look at what you did.
You had put a beautiful pink hibiscus flower behind her right ear.
You grinned. "Do you like it? I saw it in a park nearby and it reminded me of you, so i had to pick one."
Columbina was silent as she looked at her reflection. Her see-through ghostly form was corporeal enough to allow some solid objects to have contact with her, as well as allow her to have a reflection, so it wasn't like this was new. But it felt... diffrent, somehow. She didn't want to dwell on it. First, she should get you to go to sleep, easy enough.
And that's how it took five minutes for you to take off your shoes, and an additional ten minutes to change into your pyjamas. With Columbina turned around for privacy, of course.
As you snuggled into your bed, your blanket tucked around you and Columbina sitting on the side of the bed near you, your drunken ramblings turned more coherent as you continued to speak. Finally, before you passed out, you began to speak in a more-then-coherent tone, "I hope that when they bury me in the cold ground, the day my ghost rises from the grave, yours is the first face i see."
Columbina felt her nonexistent lungs suck in unnecessary air as she processed those words.
You continued, "I hope i have a pretty grave. Under a willow tree. I dont want it to be geometric and polished, just carved-in stone. A little circle of stones, flowers and mushrooms around it. Maybe a swing hanging from a branch, too. My ghost and your ghost can swing on it."
You then immediately fell asleep, your eyes fluttering shut as soft snores leave from between your lips.
Leaving a ghost with an undead yet fast heartbeat, clutching a single hibiscus flower to her chest.
I lay down my sword for fate
'Cause it's too little way too late
Seeing you with Pierrot shouldn't hurt as much as it did.
As you were talking to him and walking around the circus, Columbina silently watched from the background, an unknown sensation in her heart.
Pierrot had a lovestruck look on his face, looking at you like you hung the stars, while you were animatedly telling him about your recent activities and interests.
Columbina had asked you to not mention to the others that you can see her, for their peace of mind, and hers. It would only make things worse, especially because they aren't able to see her at all, while you are able to.
Slowly following both of you, she kept to the shadows, looking at you who was in the light. The rays of sunlight made you look ethereal in a way, your smile wide as you recited what you liked about the shows you saw from her fellow troupe. Your hands were waiving around, as you were unable to keep them to yourself, and it made you look all the more excited. It was one of your unique quirks that she liked about you.
Hours passed, and at the end of the day, as you were leaving to go back to your apartment, Columbina joined you at your side, fitting perfectly against you.
I didn't need the reminder of things I've done wrong
Of promises broken, fragility hidden in song
The rage you felt was indescribable.
"You said he would protect me! You said he would keep me safe! Was it all a lie?! Was any of what you said to me real?!"
After your little impromptu kidnapping and escape, courtesy of certain red and green clowns, you came back to your apartment to see a worried Columbina walking around your home, anxiety rolling off of her in waves. She may be a sweet and gentle person, but frankly you were tired, you were pissed, and most of all you felt betrayed. So naturally, you confronted her in a fury that was rarely directed towards her. You had been arguing with her for a while now, angry tears of hurt threatening to spill from your eyes.
"It was the only way to protect you! You don't understand, this is a dangerous situation-"
"-How?! By lying to my face, pretending everything is fine when it's not?! I was drugged and kidnapped, Columbina!"
Columbina's eyes went towards the floor, looking anywhere but your face.
Slowly, she made her way towards you. "I know, but please, you have to listen-" a hand in front of her face stopped her in her tracks. Her sorrowful eyes met your tired glare.
"No, i am done listening."
She went quiet. Then, "How can i fix this? Please, tell me. I just... what did i do to deserve your resentment?"
The tension in the silence was so thick you could cut it with a knife.
"Nothing. You did nothing. And that's why i resent you."
You put your hand down and let out a deep exhale, your dissapointment prominent in it. Your other hand went to your face, rubbing your eyes in exasperation.
"Look. Just- just go back to the circus. I need some alone time. You can come back later and we'll figure this out, but frankly I'm too tired for this right now."
Columbina felt like an ant in your presence. She wanted to stay, but she didn't want to cause more harm. So she left.
Back at the circus grounds, her mind was running a mile a minute. What she did wrong, what you did wrong, what Pierrot did wrong, she just couldn't-
God, why was Columbina so worked up about this? She's never felt anything this strongly before, why have things changed now, why does her heart hurt?
It just didn't make- It was almost like-
...
No. No, no, no, no-
Guess that we're soulmates in different lifetimes
What if you leave him, throw me a lifeline
I know that you're happy
But it just killed me
To hear you scream my name
A clear fucking X-ray of if I'd stuck around
I swear to God, I almost drowned
You were laying on the grass, looking up at the night sky. Columbina was sitting next to you, playing gently with the blades of grass in the clearing.
The ghost paused as a thought came to her. "Do you think we're like this in every universe?"
You glanced over at her. "Huh? What do you mean by that?"
Columbina gestured between the two of you. "Like this. Together. Do you think we're like that in every universe out there?"
After a moment, you returned to watching the stars. "Maybe. I mean, who knows? There's probably a lot of universes out there. Nothing is out of the question when it comes to infinite possibilities. In one universe-" You lift your arm to gesture towards the sky, "-we're probably stars floating in space, just like these ones up here. Maybe in one we're both flowers in a garden. I'd like to be a dandelion though. You're probably a rose. You seem like you would be a rose."
She hummed. You let your arm fall and rest across your stomach.
You turned your head to look at the ghost and, as much as her nearly incorporeal form would let you, intertwined your fingers together. You flashed her a grin full of gentle teasing.
"Well, i do know that, no matter what universe we're in, I'll always want to be with you. Just like this."
You asked me how I've been, but how could I begin
To tell you I should've chased you
I should be who you're engaged to
Lost my fight with fate
A tug-of-war of leave and stay
I give in, I abdicate
I lay my sword down anyway
Time passed, and you eventually joined the circus. It took a lot of convincing from Pierrot, but you were eventually an integral part of the traveling troupe. Suprisingly, you were more then willing to join them all. It probably helped that Columbina told you everything from the beginning so you had time to swallow down all the revelations. You spent every day with them and Columbina. Days passed, then weeks, then months.
Everything was perfect.
...
It was quiet in your tent, candlelight illuminating your face as you sat on the bed after a day's work. Columbina was at your side, staring expectantly at you. The two of you usually spent time almost every night together after work in your personal tent. Just talking and existing. Together.
"I really love him," you eventually said. The smile on your face was full of love, gentle and warm. You radiated happiness as you uttered that small declaration about Pierrot.
Columbina smiled and held your hand and pretended that the feeling that settled in her gut was just excitement for you.
I'll see you at Heaven's gate
'Cause it's too little, way too late
It was a truly beautiful day. It was spring, flowers were in full bloom, birdsong was loud and clear, the rays of the sun caught on the leaves in the forest, perfect for the private ceremony of you and Pierrot.
It was only the two of you. Three, actually, even if Columbina was hidden distantly in all the foliage. The others were packing for departure once again, your stuff already packed since you've already gotten used to their schedule after almost a year of traveling with them.
The two lovers, followed by the ghost, had entered a small clearing in a nearby forest where they had stationed. It was their last day, and it was a perfect day.
The two of you had been planning this for a while, and today had felt just right.
There's no grand ceremony, no congratulations from a crowd of people, just an exchange of words and rings, that would eventually be sealed with a kiss.
I'll toast outside your wedding day
Marriage.
What a curious thing. To bind one's life to another for eternity.
To cherish someone so much, that you would give them yourself wholly.
Columbina hadn't thought about that before much, because those were human customs she didn't think she would ever need to experience. Simple as that.
But maybe being human wasn't all bad. It was you who taught her that, after all.
Memories of past conversations you two shared looped in her head.
She quietly began humming a song you once sang to her.
It was only halfway that she remembered it was a love song.
Whisper vows, I'll never say to you
She looked towards the sunset sky, her hands intertwined behind her back in a shaky grip, as if removing them will cause her to fall apart like fragile porcelain. Lost in her imagination of bygone days, distant fantasies of a diffrent lifetime, one where you're both in that exact spot, wearing matching white dresses and rings, she began to whisper to herself, almost involuntarily, her voice as small and unheard as a droplet in an ocean. "...When i met you, i was in awe of you. Your bravery, your kindness, your strength... it left me breathless. You were someone incredible that i couldn't have been luckier to meet. And the closer we got, and the more i learned about you, the more i..."
Oh, it started raining. Now her face was all wet. And it was such a nice day, too.
"...the more i fell in love with you. Your laugh, the way your lips quirk to the side, how you hum when you water your plants because you believe that your songs help them grow, how you wave your arms around when you're angry... i fell in love with all of it. Every single thing you did. Not because they were charming or cute or funny. But because they were from you. Always you."
The ghost paused, either to collect her thoughts or the fragile pieces of her scattered heart.
"...After my death, i promised myself 'no more sacrifices'. I have no love for the act, and i don't think i ever will, no matter what, no matter which side it's from. But i broke that promise. For you. Because you deserve to be happy. To live, to touch, to feel, to share, to love, and everything inbetween. I think the only thing i regret... is not telling you how much you meant to me. How much i loved you. How much i still do. And now I'll never get the chance. Because you'll never be mine. You can never be mine. But i guess that's what i get."
"...'Cause it's too little, all too late."
If you listened closely, a distant jingle of bells could be heard in the forest. All alone, with no accompaniment. A single, lonely melody with no symphony.
As the breeze gently flowed through the leaves of the willow tree, just as water flowed between open fingers, so did a love that was never meant to last.