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Changkyun sat at the high chair, elbow resting on the table and his chin is placed at the palm of his propped hand, staring blankly at random people taking a stroll at the side walk. He’s in deep thought. Like, why does every break up, it doesn’t break even? One has to feel too much and the other feels too little. And if he’s going to weigh the fairness of the situation, he’s at the disadvantage.
It’s unfair. Because Kihyun is fast asleep while Changkyun hardly bats an eye. He just couldn’t sleep at night because thoughts of Kihyun kept appearing. It kept pestering him until the sun peaks from the horizon and it’s time for him to prepare himself for work. It’s unfair. Considering that Changkyun had been crying at night for the past three weeks and Kihyun is seeing someone else. It’s unfair that he casually, no, always think about Kihyun’s state while the other doesn’t even let a single thought about Changkyun linger in his head.
Kihyun is happy.
Changkyun isn’t.
It’s unjust.
Changkyun spotted a couple walking hand in hand. Looking all happy and content. He smiled bitterly. They used to walk down this street also. With Kihyun’s warm and small hand laced against his. He missed the feeling, so he took a sip at his coffee and let the warmth of it travel all over his body. He didn’t know how. Or why did things end up like this.
One day they were doing okay and the next, Kihyun is apologizing and pleaded to call off their engagement. This isn’t a simple break-up. This isn’t a three month or a one year relationship that ended. This is about almost settling down. Almost ready to start their family until Kihyun decided that Changkyun is too much for him. That he didn’t deserve Changkyun’s greatness.
But the younger didn’t understand.
He gave everything. He gave Kihyun all that he could. Love, affection, time, and everything in between. What was missing? What was he lacking? Was he not enough? All those times that he had to stay up late, waiting for Kihyun to come home from work. All those times he attempted to cook because Kihyun is too tired to make breakfast for them. All those times he had to drive 3 miles just to buy Kihyun’s favourite red velvet cake. All those times they fought and Changkyun apologized first because he didn’t want their fight to drag any longer. All those times he said sorry for the things he didn’t do. If that wasn’t love, then what was it?
He didn’t understand.
What did he do to deserve this kind of pain?
He did everything that he thought was right and it still ended this way. He’s alone. His heart is shattered in pieces that’ll probably take ages to patch them all back together. He shook his head in disbelief and stood up. Sitting here, the same spot Kihyun usually takes makes him look all pathetic and shit. So he walks out of the café, with his hands inside the pocket of his jeans.
He takes a stroll at the nearby amusement park.
And wow, that’s really amusing. Because there he saw Kihyun in one of the swings, and a slender man on the other. They are both just looking at each other and Changkyun swore he can declare he’s officially dead at this minute. He bit his lower lip, trying his hardest not cry because the way Kihyun looked at the other man, he used to look at Changkyun like that too. Those sparkling eyes that seems like there’s a set of constellation lighting it up. It was mesmerizing, breath-taking. And seeing it again now, makes him miss the older a little bit too much.
Changkyun looked away, turned his heel and forced his feet to walk on the other direction.
He felt his heart miss a beat or two, and the pain strikes twice as much. Stabbing his heart over and over. Crushing the remaining hope that maybe Kihyun will come back, and that they’ll get married, they’ll live happily ever after. But he’s not. Judging by the way Kihyun looked at the other man makes Changkyun think that, they’re over. Their time had come and went by, and even if he tries to get them back together, it won’t work.
Kihyun is happy.
And Changkyun should be, as well.
“Are you okay?” Changkyun abruptly stopped on his tracks. Because did he just heard a familiar voice? It can’t be. Please. No.
He spun around and saw Kihyun looking at him with genuine worry in his eyes, hands fiddling at the hem of his plaid shirt. Changkyun remembered this gesture, Kihyun is nervous. So he smiled, reassuring the older that he is, indeed alright. Even if every part of him screamed that he’s hurting.
“Yeah. I’m all good.” He tried to talk normally, but seeing Kihyun stand before him after almost a month of their break up makes his nerves go crazy. Kihyun shook his head lightly.
“You’re not very good at lying. You know that.” And Changkyun let his façade wore off. He sighed deeply and shut his eyes. Because he can’t just look at Kihyun. He just can’t. This pain is too much to handle.
“Kyun, look at me. Please.”
And he did. He doesn’t know why but he did. And Kihyun is gently smiling at him. Like the way he used to, before. Back when there was still a thing called ‘Kihyun and Changkyun’.
Kihyun then cupped his cheeks. Changkyun almost backed away from the sudden warmth emanating from the elders palms. “You have to let people love you, Changkyun. You cannot just give them every bit of love you have and won’t take anything in return. You got me, Kyun?” The younger unknowingly nodded. What is Kihyun doing?
“It doesn’t work that way. Okay? There’s nothing wrong with the way you express love, really. And I’m glad that I had my time with you. I never regret every single moment we spent together. I loved you with all of my being,” Kihyun put his hands down and reached for Changkyun’s, he held the younger’s hand tight.
“But you never let me love you. While I feel so loved and cared for, I realized I never gave you anything because you never let me. Changkyun, I tried my hardest to shower you with love but every time I do, you always seem to find a way to block it. I never knew why because you never told me. Or maybe it’s just your subconscious mind telling you to act that way. But please, change. Give love and accept love. Mm?”
Changkyun slowly nodded. And things are starting to make sense. Answers kept popping here and there.
“Let’s be happy. If not together, then at least be happy for ourselves. It was nice seeing you again, Kyun. Take care of yourself.” Kihyun hugged him in haste before the older runs back to the slender man waiting for him at the end of the street.
Changkyun walked slowly, Kihyun was right.
He gave love. He gave everything, but he never take anything in return. He thought love worked that way. That if you gave them all, they will stay, that they will be by your side. For as long as you want to. But he was dead wrong. Look at what happened to Kihyun, to them. He never even gave Kihyun the chance to prove his love for Changkyun.
Maybe this is what Changkyun needs, closure. Or maybe someone just needed to knock some sense in his head.
He was so preoccupied by the event earlier that he hadn’t seen the man holding a huge box, and they collided. Butts landing on the ground. Both wincing in pain. Changkyun helped the blonde man pick up the scattered books on the ground.
He kept muttering, “I’m so sorry.” And so does the other man. He got this aura around him that Changkyun cannot help but to be drawn in.
And when Changkyun took a good look at him- God damn, he’s willing to make things right.