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Among the many sins that Jakurai must confess, reveling in Doppo’s attention is one of them. The spotlight, of course, is no stranger to Jakurai when he is oft lauded a savior, but he finds a thrill in Doppo that he does no other. There is a fire that rages within Doppo despite his dreariness, a passion that draws Jakurai in. Fascinating is he, this man who chooses to struggle on when death would be salvation. What he would give to spend every single second with Doppo, alleviating him of his ailments and cherishing his peculiarities.
Yet with Doppo’s attention comes shame. In Doppo’s eyes is an adoration that Jakurai does not deserve. Doppo remains blissfully unaware of the blood on his hands, only witnessing the penance that he so desperately tries to wash it away with. Would he still fight for him if he knew that he’s killed? Would he still look at him if he learned the number of lives he’s taken?
For now, in the confines of his office, Doppo gazes at him with an affection that makes Jakurai’s heart ache. “Here is our latest product,” Doppo says, on his best behavior. Certainly, it took Jakurai a while to notice it, but the signs have been there: the way Doppo dresses in his finest for him, the way Doppo presents himself whenever he’s around him, the way Doppo goes above and beyond for his sake—a prime example of infatuation.
One that he cannot—should not—return.
Doppo dares not take the first step out of reverence; this Jakurai is conscious of. If they are to be anything other than colleagues, teammates, friends, Jakurai would have to be the one to act. How easy it would be to cross that boundary, but the lingering weight of his bloodied scalpel stops him. Jakurai would not forgive himself if he were to stain Doppo as well.
Soon, Doppo finishes speaking. He turns to him, ardent. Expectant. As always, Jakurai will give him what he wants—but not what he truly desires. What they both desire.
“Thank you, Doppo-kun.” He offers him a smile reserved for him and him alone. “I look forward to seeing how these machines will aid us in treating our patients.”
Such simple praise is all it takes for Doppo to brighten. Jakurai commits the sight to memory—to his soul. Since he is a sinner, he may as well take this selfishness.