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Alice tried not to jinx themselves too often. Whilst considering themselves a skeptic on whether the universe could fuck you over, they weren’t exactly against the idea that it very much could either.
So they tried not to taunt the universe seeming as it already seemed to have some form of opinion on them. Whether that opinion was good or bad? That was something they were still trying to figure out.
The whole ‘getting bitten by a radioactive spider and gaining superpowers’ thing was both a blessing and a curse. It was a struggle to figure out whether the universe did this to help them or to inconvenience them. But they still knew it wanted them to use their powers for the better.
After first receiving their supernatural abilities, Alice simply tried to ignore the effects of it all. They went about their normal life as if nothing had changed.
Until everything changed.
They couldn’t ignore what the universe had bestowed upon them after it. With great power came great responsibility, after all. And Alice knew that they had the responsibility to save any life they could to make up for the life lost because of them. Because they ignored the universe.
Okay, so maybe they weren’t a skeptic. Alice simply just believed the universe was always listening and acted in your life. Which was why they had decided to forever play nice with the universe since the time they fucked with it.
Until they forgot that playing nice meant never inviting the universe to turn a good day into a not so good day by jinxing themselves.
Patrol was slow going. Which Alice definitely wasn’t complaining about since they were still new to this whole ‘superhero’. Actually, they were probably more of a vigilante? Well, the titles weren’t important. The main point was to help people.
Being new meant that they would use free time in patrol to train since they wanted to improve. So, they ended up on the rooftop of some building testing out the web fluid they had just designed, hoping it would make for a replacement for weapons whilst being non-violent.
See, Alice had a habit of talking to themselves aloud. Being their own commentator or just acting as another person in their dialogue, trying to give another opinion despite being one person.
So, after a good hour of getting used to their web fluid design and practising some parkour (which really wasn’t difficult, though they assumed that was due to the superpowers) they began to comment aloud on how they were getting a bit bored.
Even with the super hearing, Alice couldn’t hear any commotion. They had been parkouring across buildings in hopes of being able to spot someone who’d need their help but they just found nothing.
And then they said out loud how it was quiet.
And what a fucking mistake that was.
It took an hour of Alice non-stop heading towards different people in some form of need before they realised what they had done. They had been so caught up in the business of running around the city that they never considered the sudden increase of emergencies from nothing.
They had fucking jinxed themselves.
And they had no clue how to undo this whole jinx thing. Apologise? Perform some ritual? Who fucking knows?! Not them, that’s for sure.
Worrying about the jinx was what they decided was the cause for what happened next. Because it wasn’t one of their proudest moments.
It started with them saving someone from being mugged.
“Thank you so much… uh.” The woman Alice had just helped squinted at them, eyeing their admittedly shitty costume. They never said they were a fashion designer after all.
It was mostly just thrown together comfortable clothing. And, in their boredom of waiting for the web solution they had fired all over their desk without thinking (at least they had a good reason for not studying this time) to dissolve, they had used fabric pens to draw a spider onto the front of the only long sleeved shirt they owned.
But it didn’t need to be judged! Especially by someone who just got her phone unstolen (which was not a real word but oh well).
“I haven’t seen you before. Are you a new superhero?”
“No.” They replied bluntly. “I mean… Not ‘no’ as in I’m not new because I am new to this. It’s a ‘No’ in the sense that I’m not a superhero.”
“Right. That… makes sense…” the woman responded in a tone that implied that Alice did not make any sense but the woman was being polite and therefore wouldn’t point out the nonsense.
“I’m just someone who… helps out! Like, um, a friendly, neighbourhood helper.”
She nodded, still clearly unconvinced, “Okay. Well, what is your… ‘friendly neighbourhood helper’ hero name then?”
Alice blinked slowly. Thinking carefully on what to reply because no, they didn’t have a name to go by. They hadn’t thought this far, really which felt embarrassing for someone who planned everything absurdly in advance.
“Spider.” was their answer.
“Just ‘Spider’? That could be confusing for people. How about Spiderwoman or Spidergirl-“
“No! Not that! Definitely not that! I am not a woman or a girl.”
“Oh, then maybe Spiderman?”
“Maybe… not that?” Alice was pretty sure they were making a face at this point which probably did not come off well. They couldn’t help that they were expressive!
“Spiderboy?”
Okay they were definitely making a face and that was rude. They should probably leave soon. End this conversation and skedaddle.
“You know what, I have a name now.” No they didn’t. Why did they say that?, “You can call me Sp-” Okay Alice. Think of something good. You’ve started the name so just finish it. It shouldn’t be too hard, “-ooder.”
…Okay, they stood corrected. It apparently was too hard to come up with a good hero name on the spot.
“Pardon? I don’t think I heard you right. I could have sworn you said: Spooder.”
“That… was in fact what came out of my mouth, yes. Well, I’ve got to go. Bye.”
When they turned to leave, Alice was faced with a dead end and so they did the only logical thing when you want to get out of a situation as soon as possible and used their new spider powers to scale the wall. All so that they could leave before they could even hear anything from else from the woman who (for some reason) insisted that they had to figure out a name for themself right then and there. And after that, Alice headed back home in embarrassment. No more crime tonight after that disaster.
‘Spooder?!’ Of all names that they could have blurted out, why was it that? At least it was just to one person. They could think up something better for the future. Having a name for people to call them by seemed practical after all. It’d be easier for them to find crime if people called out their name.
By then, after all, they would have a clever and interesting name. Something short and punchy yet smart nonetheless. Perhaps a play on words. Oh, they were going to have so much fun brainstorming names.
For once in their life, Alice had managed to arrive at school early for once instead of walking into form as the bell rang. And what did that mean for them? It meant that Alice spent the half hour before form time in their seat and tried to draw ideas for their costume.
Look, they tried to come up with a name first and that hadn’t gone very well so they decided to try and come up with a costume and hopefully use that as inspiration for a name. Hopefully being the key word there.
Why was it that their brain ran a million thoughts, ideas, and just random bullshit a minute but as soon as Alice wanted specific thoughts for something important? Nothing. They got nothing. Well, no. They still got random bullshit which was extremely unhelpful because it was never linked to what they actually wanted from their brain.
What was up with that? It was their own brain. Surely it should do what they wanted it to. If they wanted costume/name ideas, shouldn’t their brain just be fucking brimming with exactly that instead of the same segment of a song playing over and over again in their mind? How utterly and entirely unhelpful of their brain.
“Al, did you see this?”
Alice paused their mental peril to look up at Frank who took his seat next to them without taking his eyes off of his phone and continued talking,
“There’s some new superhero in town called ‘Spooder’.”
“I’m sorry, what?!” which probably should have been said a lot calmer than the screech that arose from Alice.
“Yeah, I know.” Frank replied, completely unbothered by Alice’s scream. “Kind of a dumb name if you ask me but a superhero is a superhero and superheroes are fucking sick.”
In fact, Frank seemed to be oblivious to all of Alice’s inner turmoil because he kept on blabbering away about the fucking news article about Alice being a superhero. What. The. Actual. Fuck.
So, what? The woman with one too many questions was a fucking news reporter? And decided to post about her interaction with Alice? Why? Just why?
How was Alice’s luck this fucking bad? Worst of all, now they were stuck with the stupid arse name they came up with.
Spooder.
What sort of hero (or not hero) was called Spooder?
Idiots, that’s who. And, apparently, Alice was just that because that was their hero-but-not-hero name.
They had no proof, but they had a feeling the universe did this to them. All because they said the ‘Q word’ out loud on patrol and subsequently fucking jinxed themselves to oblivion. But maybe this meant that now Alice and The Universe were equal. So… no more humiliation like their official hero name?
And, speaking of that… Was it possible for them to melt into the floor and never resurface?
“Apparently, they refused to call themselves a hero which was ‘spoken like a true hero’ and they have the powers of a spider? Like, they climbed a wall? A wall, Al. I’d do anything to be able to do that. Or just know someone who could. Imagine it. I could brag to people that I know someone with superpowers.”
Yes, he could do that because he did know that someone. Oh fuck. Ohfuck. Ohfuckohfuck. No. No no no. Alice did not need this in their life. They only just accepted the fact that they were given this wack powers. They didn’t need everyone to know about it.
No. They didn’t want anyone to know about this.