Chapter Text
2004, April 13th
I pulled out the kneeler, reciting verses I had memorized. I know I shouldn’t have but during prayer I opened my eyes and glanced over at an old man. The old man who had been banned from the church.
The man wasn’t kneeling; he was grimly looking at our pastor. Only my parents and a few other people knew why he had been banned. My mother saw me staring and nudged me, I closed my eyes. “Go in peace, glorifying the Lord by your life,”
I opened my eyes again. “Thanks be to god.” I mumbled, our priest talked some more until the piano started playing, that meant it was time to leave. I immediately turned to my mom; I was dying to talk to her.
“Mom, will you just tell me what happened, I promise I won’t say anything-” My mother cut me off with a firm grab to my wrist, she pulled me away from the people sitting near us.
“How many times do I have to tell you, Joel, we don’t talk to him or about him.” Mother pulled me back to the pew, as she did my cross-necklace dangle. “Now do your final prayer, okay?”
I nodded; I sat back down in the pew and clasped my hands together. “Dear god,” I thought. “Please tell me or show me what happened to the old man, he was so nice, what happened? Also, God, please tell my mom not to make chili tonight, it’s disgusting.” I mouthed my words, staying silent the entire time.
I looked over at my mom, she was still talking to God, she always mumbled when she prayed, staying so quiet you could barely hear her. Slowly, she opened her eyes, they fluttered for a second, she turned her head and smiled at me. “Are you ready?”
I nodded my head and smiled back. My favorite part about church was leaving. My mom talked to our priest, and I waved at Lizzie, our parents were friends, but we never really talked to each other.
She walked over to me, she was wearing a light pink dress, and she had blonde hair that almost looked pink. “Joel, is that your name?”
I nodded. “I like your dress,” My mom always said to compliment girls, especially on their outfits. “It reminds me of your hair.” Lizzie laughed.
“Thank you Joel,” She scanned my body, I felt awkward under stare, my mom always told me I was too skinny and I needed to bulk up. “I like your tie, is it new?”
It wasn’t, I always wore the same tie. “No, I always wear the same tie,” Lizzie’s face flushed.
“Oh, sorry I didn’t notice,” Lizzie admitted, I shrugged. Lizzie slowly walked away, I watched as she put her head in her hands and said something. My mom came up behind me and walked us out of the church.
“I saw you talking to Lizzie, anything interesting?” She asked, she nudged me a bit with her shoulder.
I thought for a second and shook my head. “I told her I liked her dress, and then she asked if I got a new tie, but I always wear the same tie so that weirded me out.”
My mother nodded along with me while checking her watch. “I’ve got to go to the store; can I drop you off at the house?” I hated when she did this; she ignored what I was telling her and just made her own conversation. I just nodded.
“Yeah, I’ll be fine.”
“Don’t even think about inviting Grian or Jimmy or I’m going to have to feed them lunch too,” I laughed and nodded. I hated that even more; I could be so mad at my mom and then laugh about something she said.
“I promise.” As soon as my mom would leave for the grocery store, I would call Grian and he would call Jimmy, I was so excited.
The drive was like every Sunday, about eight minutes in counting and absolutely no conversation. Church always made me tired and as my mom likes to put it, “Joel, tired? Never.” My mom actually told that to my teacher once. Now that I’m in highschool, she doesn’t embarrass me like that anymore.
She pulled the car in front of our house, it was small but nice, a yellow color, too bad the color was fading. I waved at my mom goodbye and walked inside; I shut the door and sprinted to our land line. I keep telling my mom we need a mobile phone, but she won’t budge about that.
I press Grian’s phone number into the phone, anytime I’m on the phone I like playing with the wire, my mom makes fun of me for it. After about four rings, Grian picks up.
“Hello, this is the watcher household.” I giggle at Grian being so formal, his parents are strict, so he always answers the phone like that.
“Grian, can you come over?” I tapped the end of the phone, waiting for a response.
Weird sounds are heard from the other end. “Oh, hi Joel. Yeah, uh-” The phone cuts out for a second it sounds like it's been slammed against the wall, or counter.
“Uh-Grian?” I ask. I hope he’s okay, I think.
More sounds are heard. “Joel, this isn’t the-uh-best time, okay?” The phone cuts out a bit. “Scar, give me back the phone!” Laughter rings through the phone, two voices are laughing.
I put the phone down for a second, I realized I had just called Grian while he was hanging out with his other friend. My mom always tells me not to do that. I place the phone back on the wall and head to the kitchen. I grab a glass of water
and chug the entire thing. Now that I think about it, maybe it was good they didn’t come over, I don’t feel very well. I think to myself, maybe I even said it out loud, I can’t remember.
I walk to my room and fall onto the bed; I undo my tie and chuck it across the room. I start unbuttoning my shirt, at last it falls off, I can finally breath. I walk over to my closet to grab a shirt; I see my reflection in the mirror and shiver. Maybe my mom is right, I need to bulk up a bit, last time I checked I was barely a hundred pounds, my mom says my height adds to it though, so I don’t need to worry.
I put my shirt on, without looking in the mirror, I unzip my jeans and pull the sweaty black pants off. I switched to shorts because it is so hot in April. I smile and the new outfit, much better, I think.
I lay in my bed until my mom gets home, I’ve already read all my comics, and I’ve already watched all the TV shows I like, so there was pretty much nothing to do. Jimmy was telling me about this new band the other day, they were called ‘Evanescence’. The name was weird, but they were better than I thought. I told my mom about them, and she said it was devil worship, so I can’t listen to them.
My mom doesn’t want me to hang out with Jimmy anymore because of it, and other things. Jimmy has started to steal his mom’s eyeliner and wear it, I would never do it, but I think it’s still cool. My mom says that he is probably gay, but I always tell her no. He has had girlfriends he can’t be gay.
Whenever I hang out with Jimmy I have to go to his house, but that’s okay, he has the new ‘PlayStation’, it’s the coolest thing I've ever seen. I always like going to Jimmy’s house because his dad is so nice, he makes us ‘Pizza Rolls’ and he is also so good at video games. Jimmy and his dad look the same, blonde with blue eyes. Jimmy’s only at his mom’s house every other week, so I usually see him when he’s at his dad’s house.
When my mom gets home she usually just unlocks the door, so when the door rang, I hesitated to answer it. I slowly walked downstairs, holding onto the railing for dear life. I finally got to the bottom floor and tip toed to the door; I looked through the peephole. It was just my mom on the other side; she was looking through her purse, either for the keys or for her cigarettes.
I opened the door and smiled at her. “Hi mom, why didn’t you just unlock the door?” I opened the door a bit wider so she could come in. My mom sighed and put the groceries on the table, I started unpacking them.
“You’ll never guess who I ran into at the store,” She said, running her hands through her dark brown hair. There she goes, ignoring me again.
“Who?” I asked, I always answer her when she ignores me, even if I don’t want to.
She grabbed a glass from the cupboard and used the tap water to fill it. “Jimmy’s mother, I knew his dad was bad but wow, his mom is worse.” I froze, my mom didn’t like Jimmy or his dad, mostly because they’re not Catholic, and of course she has heard the rumors about his mom, she probably started them.
“She looked like she was on every drug you could think of, she doesn’t even try to cover her acne either, I pray for her.” My mom laughed it off like it was some joke, Jimmys mom being in rehab and being a bad mother was not a joke, I hated when my mom did this. Obviously, I just laughed with her, I put up the rest of the groceries and went to the living room.
I hated myself when I laughed along with my mom's awful ‘Jokes’ and sometimes I feel bad for my mom because God does not like when you judge people, but apparently, he also doesn’t like when you do drugs. It’s so confusing and I hate thinking about it, that’s why I turned on the television.
My mom was still in the kitchen; I knew what she was doing though. She always prayed after because technically it was sin for her to smoke. I picked up a stray glass on the coffee table and put it in the sink. I watched my mom smoke, she took a slow draw from it, releasing a gray fog, she was crossing her hands with only one hand and staring at our neighbors.
“Are you taking the bus home tomorrow?” My mom asked, she was still facing the window.
I nodded and then realized she couldn’t see me. “Yep, Jimmy’s at his mom’s house this week,” No he isn’t and I know that. Jimmy’s dad usually drives me home, but I’ve been taking the bus home so that my mom is happy. “I’m starting to like the bus; I might do it every day.” I hate the bus, but I want to make my mom happy.
I tell my mom I’m going to my room, and I walk up the stairs. My favorite thing about my room is my open window, it’s perfect to go out and sit on the roof. I open my bedroom door and slowly close it so I can lock it without my mom hearing. I took my CD player, and some magazines Grian gave me onto the roof. My favorite band is ‘Blink-182’ and they are amazing, Grian got me one of their CDs for my birthday.
Listening to music is one of my favorite things to do, Jimmy says he also likes music but not as much as me and Grian says he likes movies more than music. Grian lives with his mom and dad, they also go to church but not every Sunday like me, they go maybe once a month. Grian says he doesn’t believe in God and thinks that he could be a better God than any myth. Sometimes that makes me feel bad about my religion but most of the time I just laugh along with Jimmy and Grian.
Grian is also really rich; he has all the new CDs and all the new gaming consoles, he gave me this magazine called a ‘Playboy’ magazine and as soon as I saw the cover I threw it away. My mom would kill me if she saw I had that and it was against God. So as an apology, Grian got me the newest National Geographic, and I like this one a lot more.
I lay on the roof when I hear a loud car go by, I look up to see that it’s stopped in front of my house, I open my window back up and put my stuff up, I go back out the window and look to see who was in the car. A tall blonde man in a suit comes out of the car, he’s holding flowers. Oh, it’s my mom’s new boyfriend, I think. I’ve never met him and I don’t want to meet him.
Ever since dad died, three years ago now, mom has been going on dates with random guys and she’s been smoking more. I grab a few more magazines and my CD player, I run downstairs into the garage and grab my bike; I sneak out of the house and peddle as fast as I can.
I am not meeting this new guy.