Chapter Text
Buck never meant for it to get this bad. He didn't even realize when it started to become a problem. First it was just when the pain was really bad. Then it was when he felt sore. He just wanted to stop the pain before it got too bad. But now the pain is gone and yet here he is, popping pills like he’d die if he didn’t.
He tried to convince himself that it wasn’t a problem. That it wasn’t as bad as it seems, but the words come out sour. It stains his brain like a raging headache.
Then came the lying. And the guilt. And soon enough two pills weren’t enough to numb the ache in his chest. It wasn’t enough to stop the shame he felt building up in his gut. He knew Bobby would be disappointed in him. How could he not? He was disappointed in himself.
Everyone thought he was fine. He’d pick out a few smiles he’d wear in the morning and let it play out through the day. It was believable to everyone. Everyone except Eddie. He could see past the fake smiles, and the senseless excuses. He always did. It’s something Buck was always grateful for. Before Buck started lying his ass off, now it just seemed to make him more on edge. He didn’t even want to think about what would happen if Eddie ever found out about the pills. Letting himself down was one thing because he was used to it, but letting Eddie down? That was something he didn’t think he could ever get used to.
So he did the stupidest thing he could do. (Besides taking pills) He pushed Eddie away. He stopped answering the doors. He stopped picking up the phone. He stopped being Buck. He couldn’t even bring himself to answer the door for Chris. Which as painful as it was, he knew it was the right thing. He could never and would never let Chris see him like this.
But even though Buck never answered the door anymore, Eddie never stopped showing up. Day after day, Buck’s doorbell would ring at exactly 8:05am and 10:15pm. It killed Buck every time he watched Eddie walk away through the glass of his window. It was like his disappointment stuck to the pavement of his steps every time he left without an answer.
Eventually, Eddie had gotten tired of it. He had been patient for weeks, but today was Buck’s first day back at work since the incident and Eddie was determined to talk to him.
At exactly 9:15am, Buck walked into the station. At 9:17, he walked into the dressing room, where Eddie was waiting. For a moment no one said anything. Buck stood frozen in the doorway, fiddling with the ring that rested on his pinky.
Eventually, Buck walks over to his locker, not unaware at the never leaving gaze tracing his every move.
“Hey Eddie.” His tone is calm. Unwavering, like he hadn’t just spent the last two weeks avoiding his best friend.
Eddie leaned back against the locker, watching Buck with steady eyes.
“Is that all you’re going to say?” The words don’t shake Buck. He knew Eddie would ask questions. Press him further, maybe even yell. So he doesn’t falter.
Eddie lets his gaze fall over the scars on Buck’s ribs and hips as he switches his shirt, and a pang of guilt hits him. Realistically he knows nothing he did would have changed the outcome of their spontaneous road trip. He knows the only person to blame is Bonnie. But he still feels like he should be guilty for something. No matter what he did, the outcome would have been the same. Maybe that’s what hurts the most. Knowing that there really was nothing he could have done for Buck.
He watches Buck open a bottle of painkillers, popping two in his mouth, before he turns his head to the side. He catches Eddie’s gaze before quickly looking away.
“Look, I know you’re probably upset, or mad, and you probably want to yell and scream at me but I need you to know that I didn’t mean to ignore you for two weeks.” Buck says.” I just had to do this my own way and I knew you wouldn’t agree with it.” The words slip past Buck before he even knows what he’s saying. And maybe Eddie should have pushed further. In fact he definitely should have.
“I don’t want to yell at you Buck.” Eddie says softly. “I just need you to tell me you’re okay.”
Buck almost breaks at the softness in Eddie’s eyes. It almost makes him fall into his arms and confess about the uninviting thoughts and pressure to be free of his pain. But he doesn’t let himself. He has everything under control.
“I’m okay Eddie. I promise.” The lie slips off of his tongue almost too easily, and Buck wonders when he became so good at it.
“That was the whole point of these past two weeks. You know, I just needed to work things out in my head. Things you wouldn’t understand.” Buck closes his locker, finally turning to face Eddie. His gaze soon shifts to the floor at the intense eyes staring back at him.
“And did you?” Eddie asks. “Work things out in your head?” There’s an edge to his tone. Buck knows he doesn’t believe him. So with one last attempt to plead his case, he musters up a smile, and looks Eddie in the eyes.
“Yeah. Everything is better now.” Eddie lets his eyes trail over Buck one more time. Something shifts and Buck can’t quite figure out what it is. And maybe Eddie should have pushed harder. But it was the belief and need for Buck to be okay that made his decision for him.
“Okay.” Eddie nods. Buck lets out a subtle sigh. The tension leaves his shoulders, as he lets himself relax.
Buck nods back, gently patting Eddie’s shoulder on his way out. Eddie lets his eyes follow Buck out of the room before leaving as well. He jogs to catch up, finding a permanent place beside his friend.
“So, what do you say me and Chris come over tonight? You could cook for us? I know Chris will be grateful to not have to eat undercooked pasta for the third night in a row.” Buck chuckles, glad for the topic change.
“Yeah of course. It’s been a while since I’ve been able to cook for someone.”
The rest of the shift goes by great. In fact the next few days go by great. Buck was smiling and laughing. He always opened the door for Eddie and Chris. Buck had convinced himself he really was okay again. It was almost back to the way it was before Nashville.
It was on the 5th day that things started to go downhill. They had a call. A motorcycle crash. An idiot ran a red light and rammed into the biker.
As they arrived on scene, they could see someone hovering over the body. Their screams were piercing, and it left the air tainted in her pain.
“Alright Mam, we need to take a look at your son.” Chim kneels down next to the boy, as Ravi gently guides the women to the side.
“No pulse.” Another scream. But Buck doesn’t hear anything else. His gaze shifts to the bike, crashed to pieces in the middle of the road. And all Buck could think about was that it shouldn’t be. This kid shouldn’t be lying in the middle of the road because an idiot decided he needed to get somewhere faster. He should have been at home with his mom. Doing whatever a mom is supposed to do.
Buck doesn’t even realize his feet are moving backwards until his back hits the streetlight behind him. Suddenly, he’s tied up again. Struggling to hold on to what little life he had left. Uninviting images flashes through his mind. The words of a grieving mother. And the actions of a loving one. Soon, the screaming mother from the wreck starts to fade away. Along with the cars and people, and even the blinding sun faded into the light in the small neat bedroom. His mother had probably just cleaned it. No. Not his mother. Bonnie.
“You know I always hated that bike.”
The words are familiar, and cruel.
“You just rest. I’ll take care of you now.”
“You don’t need to worry about a thing. I am just doing what any mother would do.”
“I thought you forgot about me mom.”
“I’m so hungry mom.”
“Can you make me something to eat?”
“I’m Derek.”
“I’m Derek.”
“I’m Derek.”
“Buck?”
“I’m Derek.
“I’m Derek.”
“Buck? Buck, are you okay?”
“I’m Derek.”
“I’m-”
“Buck!” Suddenly there’s a hand on his shoulder, and before Buck knows what he’s doing and screams and pushes the touch away.
But it wasn’t Bonnie like he had thought. He wasn’t in that room filled with firetrucks and helicopter toys. He wasn’t tied up to the old post, begging for Bonnie to spare his life. He wasn’t in agonizing pain. He was in the middle of the road. Where a 21 year old biker had gotten run over by a truck. Where Eddie’s worrying eyes were staring into his soul. The sun was bright, and the light wind on his cheek was just cool enough to keep him from overheating in his heavy turnouts.
Eddie could see the signs. The way Buck’s eyes ran over every single detail around them was familiar. He was trying to find his grip on reality. Trying to find that one thing that could bring him back from the horrid memories flooding his aching head. Suddenly he remembered something. A little trick he learned in therapy. Sudden temperature changes can bring someone out from a dissociative state. So he quickly runs to the ambulance to grab a rag and some water that they keep for the patients. He quickly pours the water onto the cloth as he runs back to Buck. Once he makes it back, he gently places the cold rag onto the back of his neck. Eddie grabs his arm as Buck jumps back from the sudden cold, his eyes now more confused than fearful.
“Eddie?” The name rolls off his tongue easily, his breathing starting to go back to normal.
“You're okay Buck.” Eddie breathes softly. “You're okay.” His hand still rests firm on Buck’s shoulder as he watches him look around. Hen and Ravi were loading the boy in the ambulance, without urgency. And a few feet away Chimney was comforting a grieving mother. Buck’s shoulders fall as the realization hits.
“He didn't-” He doesn't have to finish his sentence. Eddie knew what he was asking, so he shook his head softly.
“No. We couldn't bring him back.” The words hit him harder than they should. After all, he never even knew the boy. Which makes Eddie even more confused. But he knew now was no time to get into it, so he looks over his shoulder as Hen walks over.
“Hey, are you okay to take him to the hospital yourself? I'm going to ride in the engine.” Before Buck can protest Hen nods her head.
“Yeah sure. Is everything okay?” Her concerned filled eyes trace over Buck's figure. She takes notice of his shaking hands and immediately knows something happened.
“Yeah, we're okay now. I'll see you back at the station.” She lingers a little longer, but knowing Eddie was the one who had to handle the situation. So she gives them a careful nod and walks back to the ambulance.
“You could have gone with her. I'm fine.” Eddie lets his hand fall to Buck's back and guides him to the engine where Ravi, Chim and Harry were already waiting.
“I've seen you when you look fine. That wasn't it.”
Back at the station, Buck and Eddie sit side by side on the couch in the loft. The others tried to make conversation with the two but the warning look Eddie gave was enough to send them away for a bit. Hen got back around 10 minutes ago, but the two had yet to say another word to each other. Buck sits with his back to the arm of the couch, his knees curled up to his chest, and Eddie doesn’t think he’s seen Buck look so small before.
Eddie sighs before hesitantly speaking up.
“Buck we need to talk about this.” Buck doesn’t look up. His eyes stayed focused on his hands, although not shaking anymore, still felt weak.
“There’s nothing to talk about.” Eddie doesn’t think he’s ever seen Buck like this before. He’s seen Buck in basically every emotion. Depressed, happy, anxious, loud, but he couldn’t even place what he looked like right now. It was like he wasn’t even here. There was no pep in his tone, nor was there sadness, or anger. There wasn’t anything.
“Buck. I am really worried about you.” He says. “I understand you were triggered out there, I just don’t know why.” Truth is Buck never talked about what happened to him in that room. Eddie only knew what he knew because of the police reports, but every question of his was left unanswered. Buck’s eyes stayed trained on his hands, twirling the ring around his pinky.
“Buck please look at me.” He pleaded. Buck finally sighs, bracing himself before he turns to look at Eddie.
“You kept saying you were Derek,” Eddie watches Buck tense, but makes no move to stop talking. “Was that her son?” Buck stands up unexpectedly, moving away from the couch. Away from his weakness.
“I said I didn’t want to talk about it Eddie.” He states harshly. Eddie reels back, surprised by the sudden outburst. Realizing what he just did, Buck sighs, lowering his voice into a plea.
“I’m sorry. Just, drop it…. Please. I have everything under control.” He leaves before Eddie could form another thought.
Buck doesn’t show up to work the next day. He doesn’t open the door for Eddie. Or Maddie. Or Hen. He doesn’t open the curtains to see them walk away. He sits in the dark, taking the pills to make the pain go away. It doesn’t. So he takes more. More than he probably should.
The next day, Buck lays on the couch. Hours go by, the world outside him moves. People laugh. People cry. People worry. But it doesn’t move Buck. By hour 10, he still lays motionless, cradling the man stuck in the picture frame to his chest. The man who taught him everything he knows. The man who is no more than a ghost. Buck doesn’t cry. He doesn’t sleep. He doesn’t scream in agony like he did all those months ago in the burnt and broken lab. He doesn’t do anything. He doesn’t feel anything. He just exists.
On the third day, Eddie meets Maddie in the walkway of his house. Unintentional, but Maddie was grateful Buck had someone who cared about him as much as she did. They walked up the path together, knowing that Buck probably wasn’t going to answer. But that didn’t mean that they were going to stop showing up.
The loud bang rang throughout the house. Maddie’s voice travelled through the walls.
“Buck? I’m here with Eddie. I know you don’t want to see anyone right now but we’re really worried about you.” They’re met with silence. Which was suspected. Another bang echoes in the dark and gloomy house as Buck emerges from his bedroom, a blanket wrapped around his shoulders. The floor creaks as he takes slow steps towards the door. He can’t open it. He won’t. But he’d be lying to himself if he said he didn’t miss the voices on the other side of the door. The barrier felt thicker than it was. Every time they left without an answer another wall grew between them. Buck hated it. He hated himself. But he couldn’t let them know the truth. And he couldn’t bear to stop the addiction that grew every time another pill landed on his tongue. So this was the way it had to be for now.
“Buck, please answer the door.” Eddie’s voice broke through one of the barriers and Buck could feel the tears welling in his eyes at the thought. Because he missed him so much. He missed everyone. He wants to yell and scream at the person who let him live this life. Who sent him down this path of never ending pain and burden. He didn’t know if it was god or someone else, but it didn’t matter because he didn’t have the energy to get angry right now. All he could do was let himself cry, and as much as it hurt to do so, it felt amazing not to be numb.
“You don’t have to do this alone. As cliche as it sounds….. we’re all here for you. Just let us in.” Buck finally lets a tear fall to the floor. Eddie’s words echo in his mind and he wants nothing more than to believe him.
“Please.” The word is soft, and barely heard through the door. But Buck clings to it as he sinks to the ground, his back to the door, before wrapping the blanket tighter around his shaking body.
“If you can’t let us in. At least make a noise, anything, to let us know you’re okay.” It’s silent for a minute, and just when Eddie thinks of knocking the door down a soft knock can be heard through the door. Maddie cries in relief, while Eddie leans his head against the door with a sigh.
It’s like that for the next week. People come by, day after day, just waiting to hear any sign of life from inside the dreary house. It’s not until day 7 that Buck finally breaks. Today was different. He woke up different. Today he wanted to be better. For Eddie. And Maddie. And Chris. He wanted his job back. So he skipped over his morning dose. It was all he could think about. Every second. Every hour, his thoughts would be drawn to the pills sitting in the bottom of his bag. The lights were brighter. The world outside was louder. One minute he was hot. Then he was cold. The temptation was too much. His bones itched beneath his skin and the only way to make it go away was sitting in the bottom of his bag.
Buck slowly gets up from his place on the couch. And for a minute he just stands there. Contemplating his next decision. He wanted things to go back to the way they were. But he needed to feel better. He needed to feel okay. So with that, he takes fast steps towards the hall. Towards the bag. Towards the key to making the pain go away. After all, that’s what they were for. He has his hand on the zipper when he hears something. He freezes in his tracks. Paranoia creeping up his neck and settling in his veins. It’s only till he hears the voice that his shoulders fall back and the tension leaves his body. It almost makes him forget about the pills a few inches away from him.
“Buck? It’s Eddie.” It’s pretty routine now. The person comes knocking at his door. He knocks back and then waits for them to leave. But the itch to open the door today is stronger. Buck has to ask himself if it was stronger than opening the bag and swallowing down his pain. He had a choice. He could ignore Eddie. Pretend he was asleep. Take the pills anyways and let Eddie walk away. Or he could let him in. And face the man he hasn’t been able to look at in a week.
“Buck? Are you okay?” Eddie stands on the steps of Buck’s home, his hand hovering over the door, just waiting for the knock to come on the other side. It has for the past few days, and while it wasn’t much, he was grateful to be acknowledged. Eddie waits another minute. Then two. And just when Eddie was about to knock again, he hears a click. It was quiet, and for a minute he didn't know what it was. Eddie holds his breath as he lets his eyes fall to the handle. He hovers for a moment before twisting it slightly. His eyes widened when he felt no resistance. Buck had unlocked his door.
“Buck?” Silence.
“Buck, can I come in?” Eddie could hear the floor creak on the other side of the door, and takes it as a yes. He carefully twisted the door knob, his breath still caught in his throat. He pauses for just a moment before opening the door all the way, and only when he sees him does he let out the breath he’d been holding in.
Neither of them say anything. Eddie just lets his eyes run over every pale inch of skin in front of him. He can’t help but notice the way his skin dips in his collar bones just the slightest, but it tells him everything he needs to know. He had so many things he wanted to say, but he couldn’t get out a single one of them.
Buck shifts awkwardly, almost regretting opening the door. But then Eddie steps forward and wraps both of his arms around Buck’s waist. Buck tenses for just a moment, before letting his body relax in his arms. Eddie can feel his breath on his neck, almost crying in relief.
“Hi.” The words are soft leaving his mouth. Delicate almost. But it gives Buck the courage to speak.
“Hi.” He croaks out. He can feel Eddie tug him closer at the word, and almost musters up the strength to smile. Instead he just tucks his head further into Eddie’s neck.
A few minutes later, they are sat on the couch, only an inch of room between them. Eddie doesn’t pressure him to talk. He’s lucky Buck even opened the door. So he sits next to him, waiting patiently.
Eventually Buck can’t hold it in anymore.
“I’m sorry Eddie.” Eddie looks over hoping to catch Buck’s eyes, but they stay trained on his hands, twirling the black ring around his pinky as an anchor.
“You don’t need to apologize, Buck.” He says. “I’m just worried about you. We all are. We just want to help you.” Buck’s chest tightens at the words, getting defensive once again.
“You can’t.”
“You don’t know that-”
“Yes I do.” Buck pauses, finally looking Eddie in the eyes. They’re dull, yet so full of pain.
“Look at me Eddie.” He pauses, “do I look like I can be helped?” The itch is back. It’s not just on his bones, it’s in his blood. But no matter how hard Buck scratches at his arms, the itch stays put.
“You look like you need help.” Eddie pauses, taking a breath before continuing. “You’re like ghostly pale, you look like you haven’t eaten in days. And you won’t stop itching your wrists.” Buck freezes, before letting his hand fall to the couch. The ringing in his ear increases as the itch grows more intense.
“That doesn’t mean anything.” Buck whispers.
Eddie lets out a frustrated sigh, getting up to stand in front of Buck. Buck looks up, surprised by the sudden action.
“I don’t understand why you won’t just talk to me. I have been here everyday, I have been patient with you, but you don’t seem to get that I’m not going anywhere.” Eddie pauses, “I am here. I just need you to let me in.”
Buck runs his hands over his face, starting to regret his decision. He should have let Eddie walk away. Just taken the pills to numb his forever aching heart.
“That’s the thing Eddie,” Buck hesitates.
“I don’t want you here.” He slowly gets up from the couch, the rage and frustration taking over.
“I told you I wanted to deal with it on my own, yet you show up here everyday trying to get me to talk to you.”
Eddie takes a step forward.
“I just wanted to let you know that you don’t have to do it on your own. I want to help you-”
“But you’re not doing it for me are you?” The question rolls off Buck’s tongue in a bitter craze. He hates himself for saying it. But he can’t seem to stop the words that flow out of his mouth so easily.
“What are you-”
“You’re doing it for you.” Buck says. “Because you just want the good ol Buck back. Well I hate to break it to you Eddie, but he’s not coming back. He’s gone, and he’s been gone for a long time. Not that any of you noticed.” He hates it. He hates the way Eddie’s face falls. The way he steps back as if he had physically burned him. He watches the words get caught in his mouth, and he hates that he’s the reason for it.
But he doesn’t apologize. He doesn’t tear his eyes away. He doesn’t falter.
“If you really don’t want me here, then why did you open the door?” It’s a question Buck knows he can’t answer. Not truthfully anyways. He couldn’t tell Eddie it was because the lack of drugs in his system couldn’t make him think rationally. He couldn’t tell him it was because out of everyone he missed him the most, and he just wanted to hear his voice because that would be crossing a line.
“I think you need to go.” Eddie’s face falls even more. He shakes his head trying to step forward again. Trying to reach out, but Buck backs up and looks away.
“No, I-”
“Eddie, just go okay? It’s too hard and I’m not ready and I just….. I don’t want you here. I just want you to go.”
Eddie wanted to step forward, wrap his arms around his broken friend, and tell him he wasn’t going anywhere. Tell him that he can keep pushing him away, and he can keep the door locked but that he was always going to show up, even when he didn’t want him to. It was what he wanted to do. It’s what he probably should have done.
But he didn’t.
He just nods his head slightly, turning around and walking back towards the front door. It was when the tips of his fingers touched the knob that he heard Buck’s voice one last time.
“Eddie,” Buck pauses. “Don’t bother coming back tomorrow.”
The words hit harder than he would have liked. But he doesn’t say anything else. He just opens the door and walks out, ignoring the loud bangs from the house as he walks to his car.
He doesn’t come back tomorrow.
Buck went back to ignoring everyone’s existence. He didn’t knock on the door to let people know he was okay. He didn’t sit on the other side crying because he missed them. He just did what he did every time he didn’t want to feel any pain.
The next few days go by in a blur. Buck stopped caring whether it was day or night because he stopped sleeping. The bags under his eyes grew as each day passed. He’s eaten an apple in the last 3 days, and no matter how hungry he becomes, he always feels too nauseous to eat.
He knows he’s running out of pills. He knows he won’t be able to get anymore, and he doesn’t know what he will do afterwards. The thought alone makes him more anxious. And because he’s not thinking rationally, he takes another pill. Then another. And soon enough, he’s swallowing the last pill.
The world sways, and the light in the house seems to get even darker. A few minutes later he’s seeing double of everything. And Buck knows what this is. He knows the signs, but he can’t seem to move his legs fast enough to do anything about it. The lower he gets to the ground, the more the panic starts to set in. His bones grow weak as he tries to crawl to his phone. He doesn’t make it there. His arm stays stretched out as the world darkens around him.
Eddie had been feeling off all day. Even before he stepped foot into the station. It didn’t go unnoticed by the others.
“You okay Eddie? You seemed distracted on the call.” Hen asks. They had just gotten back from a call, and they were currently sitting up in the loft. They had started to order in more since Buck’s leave of absence.
“Yeah, I’m okay it’s just….” Eddie trails off. Hen sits on the chair next to him, and glances at him with a knowing smile.
“You’re worried about Buck?” It wasn’t a question. Not really. Everyone had been able to tell something was up. Eddie hardly ever smiled, and Buck never answered their calls. Eddie hadn’t spoken much about what happened between him and Buck the other day. All he said was that he let him in but it didn’t go well.
“I’ve never seen him like that before. He looked so….”
“Angry?”
Eddie shakes his head.
“No. Not angry. He looked lost. He was shaky and thin. It was like he was a completely different person.”
Hen reaches over and places a gentle hand on Eddie’s shoulder.
“I think he just needs time.” The words don’t sit right with him. Something was wrong with Buck.
“I gave him time. I was patient, but it didn’t do anything. I did everything right, and all he could do was shut me out.” Something flickered in his eyes as the memory invades his mind. He remembers how he looked and what he did. He was acting almost…. unnatural.
“What is it?” Hen asks, noticing the look in Eddie’s face change into something bigger. Something sharper.
“Nothing, it's just. He was acting strange the entire time I was there.” Eddie states.
Hen furrows her brow, and leans forward on the table.
“Strange how?” She asks. Eddie thinks back, his mind seemingly remembering things he didn’t even think he noticed at the time.
“He was jumpy. Anxious, but more than usual. And he wouldn’t stop scratching at his arms. It’s like he had an itch he couldn’t get rid of.”
“Or a feeling he couldn’t get rid of.” Hen adds.
Piece by piece it started to click. Why he never answered the door. Why he said he wasn’t ready for Eddie to be there. The paranoia. The anxiety. The sudden outburst. The lies. The distance. In the span of 2 minutes, it all started to make sense.
“Oh god.” Eddie is out of his chair before Hen can even blink.
“Eddie? What’s wrong? Eddie?” Her questions go unanswered as he races down the stairs, skipping more than he probably should, but it doesn’t matter. All that matters is Buck. He takes out his phone to call Maddie, about halfway to his house, knowing she usually checks on him during this time before she heads into work. She answers after 3 rings.
“Hey Eddie I-”
“Maddie, I need you to listen to me.” He interrupts. “Have you gone to see Buck yet?” It takes her a minute to answer, startled by his outburst.
“Uh, yeah, I just pulled up to his house. Why?”
“I need you to try and get Buck to answer the door, and if he doesn’t I need you to use your spare key and get inside.” Eddie’s frantic voice gets Maddie moving faster. She throws her door open, and jogs up to the house, her anxiety now making an appearance.
“What, why?” She asks.
“I remembered Buck’s first day back at work that he still had his bottle of painkillers. I didn’t think much of it then, but now that I do, it would make no sense for him to still be taking them. He was cleared for work.” Eddie can feel the blood pumping in his ears, making it hard to hear anything, but he pushes it down, and speeds up. He’s only two minutes out now.
“I don’t understand, Eddie, what are you trying to say?” Eddie can hear the pounding on the door through the phone and he prays to god that Buck opens it, or at least lets her know he’s alive in there.
“Last time I went over there, he let me inside. But he was acting strange. He was yelling and shaking, white as a ghost, and I don’t know if it’s an addiction or something else, but I’m almost positive he was going through withdrawals.”
Maddie feels her heart drop to the ground. The color drains from her face as she bangs her shaky hands on the door more frantically.
“Oh god. Buck!” She yells through the door, and she freaks out even more once she doesn’t get an answer back. Deciding she had waited long enough, she rushes to get her keys out from her purse. They fall out of her stuttering hands as she cries out again. She tries to calm her breathing knowing that she wouldn’t be able to help Buck if she was having a panic attack herself.
“Eddie, he hasn’t been answering anyone for days. What if he-”
“No.” Eddie interrupts. “Just focus on getting to him. I’m almost there. 30 seconds out.”
Maddie fumbles with her keys for a second longer before she finally gets them in the door. At first she doesn’t know what she’s seeing. It’s just wrong- seeing Buck on the floor, too still.
“Buck! Buck, are you okay?” Eddie holds his breath as she searches the house. It was only when he pulled up to the front of the house and had his hand on the car handle, did he hear her scream. The kind of scream that will replay in your head every night for the rest of your life.
“Evan?’ Her voice comes out light. Careful. Like if she says it out loud it’ll make it real.
She drops to her knees beside him, hands hovering before finally landing on his face, his shoulder, anywhere.
“Hey-hey, Buck?” Cold. Not cold enough. But wrong.
“Buck, wake up.” Her fingers press against his neck, searching.
Nothing.
Her breath catches, sharp and painful. “No, no, no-”
The front door slams open behind her.
Maddie? I heard you scr-”
Eddie stops.
Everything in him locks up for half a second- the way Buck’s arm is reached out, like he was reaching for someone. The way Maddie is half sprawled over him, her hands shaking.
Seeing your best friend dead was one thing. Seeing them die twice. Now that’s a whole new level of sickening.
“Eddie, help me!” Maddie’s cries break him out of his trance. Then he’s moving before he’s thinking.
“Are those painkillers?” Eddie asks, nodding his head to the empty bottle. He quickly brings his fingers to Buck’s neck, checking for a pulse. Another wave of nausea hits when he doesn't find one. This time he doesn’t freeze. If he doesn’t do this right, Buck will be gone for good, and that’s not something he can’t live with. He won’t.
“Yes. It’s painkillers, but it’s empty. He took the whole thing?” Her voice quivers as she tries to get through the whole sentence.
“If I’m right, that means he was probably nursing them for weeks. Most likely didn’t take the whole bottle today, but he was probably taking new pills before the old ones were out of his system.” The words don’t help Maddie’s frantic state. She’s just glad Eddie was here. If anyone was going to save her brother, it was going to be Eddie.
“Listen, he has a first aid kit in his bathroom under the sink, I need you to check if he has Narcan in there.” Maddie doesn’t hesitate, immediately running towards the bathroom.
Eddie carefully cradles Buck’s head in his hand, keeping the other one on his pulse. He never thought all those weeks ago, he’d be doing it again.
“You’re going to be okay Buck. Just hold on. I need you to hold on.” Eddie whispers, pushing back the tears in his eyes. They were no help right now.
Maddie runs back into the hall, narcan in her right hand.
“I got it!” She quickly hands it to Eddie, taking a place next to him once again. This part he knows. This part is muscle memory.
But this wasn’t just anyone.
This was Buck.
He administers it quickly, efficiently- tilts, sprays, waits.
One second goes by.
Then two.
Then five.
Then ten.
“Come on Buck. Open your eyes for me. Please.” Eddie says, louder now, a crack slipping through. He presses a hand against Buck’s sternum, harder this time.
“Buck, wake up.”
Nothing.
Maddie makes a broken sound beside him.
Eddie’s chest tightens. “It’s okay, it’s okay, it just- sometimes it takes a second.”
He’s already reaching for another dose. His movements are sharper now. Less controlled.
“Come on, come on- don’t do this.” He administers it again, barely breathing as he watches Buck’s face like he can force him back by just looking.
A beat.
Another.
And then-
Buck’s body jerks.
A sharp broken gasp tears out of him like his lungs forgot how to work and are suddenly trying to catch up all at once.
“Hey-hey,” Eddie’s hands are on him instantly, steadying, grounding. “That’s it, there you go, just breathe.”
Buck coughs hard, choking on air, his whole body trembling. His eyes flutter open, unfocused, glassy, panic flickering behind them like he didn’t know where he was or what was happening.
“Buck?” Maddie’s voice breaks as she leans closer, one hand coming to his arm, almost afraid to touch.
His gaze drifts, landing somewhere between them, then it finally settles on Eddie.
“Eddie-?” It comes out wrecked. Barely there.
“I’m right here,” Eddie says quickly, softer now, like anything louder would have shattered the moment. “You’re okay. You’re okay, I’ve got you.”
Buck’s expression crumbles.
“I-” His breath stutters. “I didn’t-” His hands fist weakly in Eddie’s shirt, clinging.
“I didn’t mean to-” His voice cracks, panic bleeding through. “I didn’t mean to do it, I swear, I just- I thought I could handle it, I thought-”
“Hey, hey, slow down,” Eddie murmurs, shifting, pulling him up just enough so that he’s not flat on the floor, one arm braced around his back. “You don’t have to- just breathe okay? Just breathe.” Buck shakes his head, tears spilling over anyway.
“I wasn’t trying to- I didn’t want to-” His chest hitches hard, and as much as it pains him to say it, he needed Eddie to know. “I don’t want to die.”
Maddie makes a small, broken sound at that, her hand tightening around Buck’s arm.
“You’re not going to,” she says quickly, even as her voice trembles. “You’re okay, you’re right here. We’ve got you.” The words hit, but Buck still looks wrecked, like he doesn’t believe any of it.
“I messed up,” he chokes out. “I messed up so bad, I didn’t-”
“You’re here.” Eddie cuts him off, firmer this time, like he needs him to hear it. “That’s what matters. You’re here.” Buck’s grip tightens, like he’s holding on for dear life.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers, the words small and broken. “I’m so sorry.”
Maddie exhales shakily, her free hand coming up to cover her mouth for a second before she forces it back down, grounding herself.
“Hey no, don’t-” she says softly. “You don’t have to apologize right now okay? Just- stay with us.”
Eddie closes his eyes briefly, something sharp catching in his chest, and then he pulls Buck in closer without thinking, his hand coming up to the back of his neck.
“I should’ve been here.” The words slip out before Eddie can stop them.
Maddie’s head snaps toward him slightly, but she doesn’t interrupt.
“I shouldn’t have left you alone,” Eddie continues, quieter now, guilt threading through every syllable. “I knew something was off and I still-” He shakes his head, jaw tight.
“I’m sorry.”
Buck stills, just a little at that. There’s a beat where everything feels too fragile, too close to breaking again.
Eddie swallows, forcing himself to keep going.
“I’m not gonna do that again okay?” He says, more certain now, even if his voice is still unsteady. “I promise.”
Buck’s breath stutters, and he nods weakly against Eddie’s chest.
“Okay.” He whispers.
For a moment, none of them move.
Buck just clings to Eddiem shaking, trying to breathe through the aftermath.
Maddie stays close, her hand still on him, like she needs to keep that contact- like letting him go might mean she would lose him forever.
And Eddie-
Eddie just holds on.
Like if he lets go, even for a second, Buck might disappear all over again.
It was at that moment that he knew. He was positive.
This was the man he loved. The only man he’ll ever love.