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I wish the universe was a bit kinder to you, to me, to us.
Remembering is hard, but I think forgetting would be harder. What if one day, I woke up and couldn't remember what your voice sounded like when you were happy, what your eyes looked like in every kind of light?
What if I forgot your face, and all the reasons that I loved you?
(I think that would kill me.)
Your eyes are the bluest I've ever seen them. And you're laughing, laughing so hard that you start coughing. Awsten hands you his water, and you manage to get some of it down, before you start laughing again and spit water all over him.
He gasps, more surprised than anything, before whacking you on the arm. I have to admit, I don't know what you're laughing about. I don't think you know either.
(You're just happy, happier than you've been in so long.)
Awsten acts offended, but you pout at him and suddenly all is forgiven. I understand that; I've never been able to stay angry at you for long either.
"There's napkins in the drawer in front of you, Awsten."
I tilt my head towards it, keeping my eyes on the road.
It's been a month, a beautiful month of summer and blue sky and having two boyfriends that I love more than I thought possible. The smell of salt seems to permeate everything, and my car is speckled with it.
(I'm just happy, happier than I've been in so long.)
Awsten sticks his tongue out at you, and throws one of the damp napkins at your head. That, of course, is one of the highest forms of insult, and requires retaliation. You go to grab your water bottle, but I refuse to have mold growing in my car just because my boyfriends are having some kind of fight over their honor.
"Absolutely not. Luke, put that down. Awsten, apologize. Y'all can fight over it after we get out of the car, which isn't that far away."
You suddenly look very serious. "Actually, we're going to the beach, and you really shouldn't horseplay in the water. There's a much higher chance that you'll drown if you're messing around in the water, instead of just swimming calmly-"
"But you'll scare away any sharks if you're splashing around, right?" Awsten interrupts, grinning with all of his teeth.
(He's just happy, happier than he's been in so long.)
"Well, yes, but—"
"We fight at sundown. Or something. More like midday, cause we're not staying here till sundown."
He glances at me, suddenly unsure. "Right?"
I nod.
Silence settles over the car for a moment as you try to figure out how to respond to that.
"Can I just throw it back at you and call it even?"
"Only if I get a kiss after." Awsten wheedles.
"Deal."
And with that, you chuck the napkin back at Awsten. It bounces off his chair and hits me in the shoulder.
"Okay, where's my kiss?" He makes some obnoxious kissing sounds, leaning back towards you.
"It didn't even hit you, if anything Michael should get a kiss."
"It's not my fault that you can't aim for shit.”
“Still. No kiss for you."
Awsten huffs, sinking back into his chair with a pout. "Michaelll-"
"I’ll give you a kiss when we get there if you stop trying to pick fights with Luke."
You sputter in the back.
"What about-"
"Ill give you a kiss too. God."
You brighten up fast, leaning forward and attempting to hug me, even with the chair between us.
"Can we listen to music? I'm bored."
I hand him my phone. "Only if you pick something that we all like."
"Okay!"
And so we pull into the sandy parking lot with some pop-punk song spilling out of the speakers. I don't recognize the artist, but it's a good song anyways. A total vibe, as Awsten would say.
A middle-aged man nods at me when I step out of the car after managing to parallel park perfectly, a feat that I wasn't even sure that I could pull of. It’s a nod of respect, the one that all straight men seem to master simply because they're straight.
I briefly wonder if I could learn how to do it too, but discard the thought as soon as Awsten nearly topples me over, pressing a kiss that probably lasts for too long to be happening in public against my lips.
As I don't really want to get kicked off of the beach, I push him—gently, I promise—off.
The guy's still looking, and he gives me another nod of respect.
Cool.
The sky is a shade of blue that perfectly matches your eyes. And the water matches both of Awsten's somehow, shifting between green and blue like a kaleidoscope.
That's the first thing I notice, rocking forwards onto the balls of my feet to kiss you briefly, then pulling away.
When we pack up our stuff to go home, I wonder if I'll ever be this happy again.
Even with the sand sticking to my legs, a sensory nightmare. Even though my eyes sting a bit from the salt. Even though there's a million things that make this moment not entirely perfect, it still is, somehow.
I catch your eye in the rearview mirror, you're smiling at me. I smile back.
Some days, the memories are like a land mine. Take one wrong step and boom, you’re hit over the head with a memory that feels like a knife in your side.
Some days, they’re the only thing that keeps me from insanity.
You can never go back. You can bite and scratch and beg but you can never go back.
(I'm not at peace with that, but I will be eventually.)
Live is cruel, and continues on anyway.
The least I can do is not forget you.