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“So did anything interesting happen today?” Jan Di asks playfully, a teasing note in her voice. Clearly, she’s prying because she knows. Of course she would know before Ga Eul herself, Ga Eul finds herself thinking a bit resentfully, then is ashamed of herself.
Not enough to give Jan Di what she wants, though. “Oh, nothing really. Ji Hyun was acting up again, but he has problems at home. I feel so sorry for him.” Ga Eul doesn’t want to talk to Jan Di about Yi Jeong sunbae’s return. She doesn’t know why, but she wants to keep that to herself awhile longer. Jan Di already knows he’s back; for all Ga Eul knows, her friend has already seen him. Maybe he’d lied and Ga Eul wasn’t the first person he’d sought upon his return to Seoul. He’d probably make fun of her for being so literal.
“Is that it?” Jan Di sounds disappointed.
“Why? What were you expecting?” Ga Eul asks with forced brightness. She’s not sure why she’s pretending that she hasn’t seen Yi Jeong; maybe, when it comes to him, she’s tired of being the girl who has to pursue the boy, rather than the other way around. Jan Di really shouldn’t be this excited that the guy Ga Eul crushed on for so long and so hard has paid some attention to her. How one interaction with him had fed her heart for days back then! Analyzing his every word and action had been an obsessive pastime for her, trying to convince herself that he cared. But they’re all adults now; Ga Eul should be beyond those girlish romantic notions.
It really doesn’t say a lot for her that her best friend is expecting her to pick up right where she’d left off, mooning over Yi Jeong.
“No, nothing, I just thought – never mind,” Jan Di says hastily, a note of pity in her voice.
“Oh… you mean Yi Jeong sunbae being back?” Ga Eul says reluctantly. She doesn’t want Jan Di to feel excitement for her, but she doesn’t want her feeling sorry for her, either. When had things gotten so complicated?
“So you do know?” Jan Di sounds surprised. “I thought you would be happy.”
“Of course I’m happy,” Ga Eul says immediately. “I’m very glad to meet an old friend and see that he’s doing so well.” Yi Jeong sunbae had looked well. Better than well. So much better, in fact, that when he'd shown up in her classroom she'd thought for a second that he’d appeared straight out of one of her dreams.
Over the last four years, she’d told herself she had only imagined how good looking he’d been, that time would dull her crush and when she next saw him, he’d look human, like any other guy she’d dated.
But he hadn’t. If anything, he was even better looking now. It wasn’t fair. How was that possible?
“Oh.” Jan Di is silent for a moment. “But he did come see you?”
“Yes, earlier today.” Part of Ga Eul wants to be the girl she once was, wants to throw off the mantle of adulthood and responsibility, and squeal with Jan Di the way she once would have when Yi Jeong had showed her the slightest attention. But in the intervening years, she’s grown up, and pride won’t let her show openly what he still means to her, what he’s always meant to her, because she doesn’t know what, if anything, is between them.
It’s one thing to have a schoolgirl crush on an unobtainable boy; it’s quite another to be a grown woman actively pursuing a love that won’t be requited.
“So he kept his word, then,” Jan Di says.
“Hmm?” Ga Eul forces herself to focus on the conversation.
“That you would be the first person he’d see when he got back.”
In spite of herself, Ga Eul feels her stupid heart thumping. “So you haven’t seen him?”
“No.” Jan Di sounds confused. “Why would I?”
“I just thought, maybe, he would have gotten together with Jun Pyo or Ji Hoo, and you would have seen him.” She’s holding her phone a little too hard, her palm feeling sweaty. God, there is seriously something wrong with her, that after four years she can be right back to this.
“Oh, I see.” Jan Di sounds a little knowing now. “No, none of us have seen him. Only you, Ga Eul.”
Well, there’s no stopping her stupid heart now. A little burst of happiness works its way into her stomach. “Well,” she tries to play it cool, “my school was probably on his way home.”
“That’s… ridiculous,” Jan Di splutters.
In spite of herself, Ga Eul has to laugh, because Jan Di is right, and they giggle for a moment before she asks Jan Di if she’s still feeling nervous about graduating from medical school, and if she thinks Jun Pyo might propose soon. (“That idiot! He better not!” Jan Di exclaims in irritation.)
By the time they hang up, Ga Eul can’t think why she’d tried so hard to keep her feelings from her best friend. In some ways, her younger self had been a lot smarter.
*****
“Don’t you like the food?” Sang Woo asks, spearing a rice cake with his chopstick.
“Hmm? Oh no, it’s fine. It’s good, I mean,” Ga Eul says hastily, smiling at him. She wonders if he can read the guilt on her face. She was thinking of Yi Jeong sunbae, of course, because he had texted her on her way out the door, asking if she wanted to have dinner with him. She was ashamed of how much she had wanted to say yes, how much she had wanted to cancel this date with Sang Woo so she could see Yi Jeong.
You can’t be that girl, she had told herself sternly. That would be a terrible thing to do, Sang Woo doesn’t deserve it, and any girl who would do something like that isn’t worthy of happiness.
So, disappointment knotting her throat, she had declined Yi Jeong’s invitation.
“We can order something you do like,” Sang Woo says, and his thoughtful offer only makes her feel guiltier.
“No, this is great!” Ga Eul digs into the dish with more gusto than she’d shown before, though truthfully she can barely taste any of it.
“Ga Eul, I’ve been thinking…” Sang Woo begins, and the words make her heart sink ever so slightly. They haven’t been dating very long, but she knows he likes her. A lot. And now he has the look of a man trying to build the courage to ask her to be exclusive with him. He opens his mouth to speak again, then suddenly frowns. “Do you know that guy?”
“Huh?” She turns to look in the direction he indicates. Her gaze collides with Yi Jeong’s. He’s sitting at another table with a beautiful girl, which, of course he is. Even though his being with a girl who looks like a model should come as no surprise, it is still like a punch to the gut.
“He keeps staring at you,” Sang Woo says, mostly wary, but with a note of something else in his voice.
“He’s an old friend,” Ga Eul says, giving Yi Jeong a little wave. He doesn’t return the gesture; doesn’t even smile. He just gives her a brooding look. Faltering, she drops her hand and turns back to Sang Woo. “What were you saying?” She can’t remember, and she can’t bring herself to care, even if that makes her a bad person. Just knowing Yi Jeong is there, a few feet away, is enough to make every thought fly right out of her head.
He’s with a girl, she reminds herself. See, you don’t mean anything to him.
Apparently accepting her dismissive comment, Sang Woo plows doggedly ahead. “I always have a great time with you, Ga Eul.”
Oh, no. Now she remembers where this was going. She can feel the tips of her ears start to burn. Yi Jeong sunbae is still staring at her, she can feel it. “Same here,” she says faintly. She doesn’t know how to stop this, but part of her wonders, if Yi Jeong hadn’t come back, would she feel this way? Or would she instead be happy? Sang Woo is a nice guy, and good looking, and is a fellow teacher at another school. They have so much more in common than she would ever have with Yi Jeong, who is of such a different world than hers, he might as well be from another planet. So, was she doing it again? Was she was seriously deluding herself over Yi Jeong… again? Ga Eul, listen to what Sang Woo has to say. Think about it… Hours after asking you to dinner, Yi Jeong sunbae is already out with someone else!
She was such an idiot. She mentally slapped herself in the face.
“That’s why I think we should—”
“Ga Eul-yang, could I speak with you for a moment?”
Ga Eul looks up to see Yi Jeong standing next to their table. “Yi Jeong sunbae,” she says in shock. He gives her a smile, the dimpled one that used to send her heart into palpitations. Oh, who is she kidding? It still does. Up close, he’s even more devastating, his every pore oozing sophistication, his custom-tailored clothes accentuating his lean frame perfectly. His impeccably styled hair might look effortless, but Ga Eul knows better; Yi Jeong has always known how to take advantage of his God-given gifts, and God had not been stingy with him.
“Excuse me, do you mind? We’re having a conversation,” Sang Woo says, not even trying to keep the annoyance out of his voice.
“I apologize,” Yi Jeong says easily, addressing Sang Woo, but still looking at Ga Eul with that charming smile. “This won’t take long.”
Sang Woo turns to her with an pointed look on his face, because he clearly expects her to rebuff Yi Jeong and tell him that what he’s doing is rude and boorish. But Ga Eul knows even if she does that, Yi Jeong is somehow going to get his way, because the universe has mandated that he always get his way. Only once was that not true, and Ga Eul sometimes feels guilty over how thrilled and relieved she is that he didn’t.
As if on cue, the proprietor of the restaurant comes over anxiously, addressing Yi Jeong with a ridiculous honorific, asking if there’s a reason he’s unhappy with his table, or if there's anything he needs, while glaring at both Ga Eul and Sang Woo, as though it’s their fault Yi Jeong sunbae looks like he’s about to leave. Ga Eul can tell that the proprietor’s obsequious behavior, especially toward someone around their age, has unnerved Sang Woo, made him wonder who Yi Jeong is and why he warrants this kind of treatment. Sang Woo looks between her and Yi Jeong, clearly undecided about what he should do, and Ga Eul feels badly that she is the one who has put him in this position.
So she neatly folds her napkin, placing it on the table before getting up. It kind of feels like the old days, when Yi Jeong would drag her along somewhere, and she would follow. “I’m sorry, I won’t be long,” she assures Sang Woo, who nods reluctantly, before she follows Yi Jeong outside.
“Ga Eul-yang. This is why you couldn’t have dinner with me tonight?” he demands as soon as the door closes behind them. He’s dropped the charming act – his smile is gone; his hands are in his pockets.
She looks at him incredulously. This is what he insisted they come out here to discuss? Couldn’t they talk about his dinged pride – for that’s what it was, because she had not jumped to have dinner with him – later, maybe tomorrow? “Um, yes. I had previous plans, Yi Jeong sunbae. I can’t cancel a date just because you come back all of a sudden—”
“A date,” he says flatly.
“Yes, girls have those,” she retorts.
“So he’s your boyfriend?”
Ga Eul can’t believe the grilling she’s getting right now. Is Yi Jeong sunbae trying to act the protective older brother? She wants to tell him that it’s none of his business, but she knows him well enough to know he’s only going to persist. So rather than let him hound her until she answers, she gives in to the conversation. “He’s someone I’ve been seeing.”
Yi Jeong’s expression is still tight, but his tension seems to lessen. “So it’s not serious.”
“I don’t know!” She throws up her hands. “It could be! Just now, I think he was going to ask me—”
“And what were you going to say?” He pins her with his gaze. “Ga Eul-yang?”
“I don’t know,” she says helplessly. It’s colder out here than she realized, and she wraps her arms around herself.
Yi Jeong, who isn’t wearing his coat either, says abruptly, “Let’s get in my car.”
“What? Now?” Oh, no. She can’t let that happen. If she gets in that car they’ll be miles from here in seconds.
“You’re cold.” He signals the valet, who goes running to do Yi Jeong’s bidding.
“No, sunbae. Let’s just go back inside,” Ga Eul says. “We’re being very rude right now.”
“I don’t care,” he says, with an intensity that surprises her. Yi Jeong and Woo Bin were the members of F4 who rarely let anything faze them. They were calm and collected, the ones more likely to break up fights than get into ones. Ga Eul can remember only one occasion in which Yi Jeong sunbae exhibited the kind of emotion he’s showing her now. He surprises her again when he takes her arms to pull her closer to him, gently but firmly. “Ga Eul, you’re on a date with someone who isn’t me. Why?”
She ignores the flash of intense joy she feels at the phrasing of the question, and instead focuses on her indignation. The nerve! “You’re on a date with someone who isn’t me,” she points out. She has to stand her ground, even though being this close to him is doing something to her brain. He just smells so good. “Not that there’s anything wrong with that. You can go on a date with whomever you wish,” she’s quick to add. “And so can I.”
“Ga Eul-yang—” he starts, but he can’t seem to find the words to say what he wants to say. He lets her go, running a hand through his hair in frustration. It’s endearing the way it goes slightly askew. Ga Eul so rarely gets to see him agitated, his appearance less than perfect.
The valet pulls up in Yi Jeong sunbae’s car, the orange Lotus Elise that Ga Eul thinks is too flashy but secretly enjoys. Yi Jeong accepts the keys and dismisses the valet (no doubt having tipped him upon arrival), but makes no move toward the car. Even more surprising is that he isn’t insisting she get in and let him whisk her away somewhere. Though part of her kind of wants to be whisked.
“Do you know why I left?” he asks finally, not looking at her.
Ga Eul has asked herself this question many times. She could be flippant – “Sweden has really good meatballs?” – but he’s actually opening up to her right now, and she won’t risk that. She says the only thing that made any sense to her, all the times she asked herself this very question over the last four years. “Because you needed to get away from everything familiar to you, after learning about Eun Jae… to find yourself again.”
He’s nodding as she speaks. “And because of you,” he says, finally meeting her gaze. Then he gets into her space, so close she can look right into his eyes.
“Me?” Ga Eul says uncertainly. She’s not sure she likes the sound of that. “Because I was annoying?”
Yi Jeong laughs softly, cupping her ear with his warm hand, letting a strand of her hair run through his fingers. “Because you deserved more.”
Her heart stops beating, then starts again, double time. “More than?”
“More than what I could give you. You know if I’d stayed, we would have been together,” Yi Jeong says quietly.
She’s mesmerized, can’t look away from his face. Nor can she work up any sense of outrage that their being together was something he had wanted to prevent from happening, or that her agreement had apparently been a foregone conclusion. Of course, it had been, and they both know it. So she doesn’t say anything, because she wants to hear the end of this story.
“I couldn’t let that happen. I was still getting over everything... Even though it’d been over a long time ago, it felt raw.” Yi Jeong swallows. “But you knew that, right? You helped me heal, Ga Eul-yang. You came into my life and I—” He pauses again, tracing her jawline with his thumb. “You turned my world upside down. Some days I didn’t know left from right. I had no idea what was happening to me.”
“What… what was happening?” she dares to ask. Is it possible Yi Jeong sunbae is really saying these things to her? She wants to pinch herself, knock her head with a fist to see if this is all a dream. But then, if it is, why would she want to wake up? She can live in this dream world quite happily.
“You know.” He smiles, then leans closer to say in her ear, “You know, Ga Eul-yang.”
Wow, she was wrong. Reality is so much better.
She can’t believe people all around them are going about their lives, unaware of the monumental thing that’s happening right now between Ga Eul and the only man she’s ever loved. “Say it,” she breathes. His words have emboldened her. Suddenly she doesn’t feel cold anymore. If anything, it’s the opposite; her blood is burning her from the inside out.
That intense look is back in his eyes. “I didn’t want there to be anything between us that wasn’t just about you and me. I wanted us to have the best chance we could have.” It’s shocking to hear him say the words, to say openly what was unspoken for so long. “We were too young. You know that, right? You had to live, to see people who weren’t me, to be without me. So that when I came back…” He falters, but only for a split second, and anyone who didn’t know him as well as she did might not even have noticed it, “…if you still felt the same, I’d know it was really me you wanted.”
“Sunbae,” Ga Eul whispers, hardly breathing. Because the reverse of that was true, too -- and after four years, here he was, standing before her.
“I promised myself I wouldn’t be with you until I was ready to give you my whole heart.” He takes her hand and puts it on his chest, right where she can feel his life beating.
Time stops. Ga Eul can hear the noise of the restaurant behind them, can feel the wind ruffle her hair. She can hear the Lotus idling. Her date is probably wondering where she is. The proprietor is undoubtedly going to come out any second and ask if there’s anything they need. Down the street noisy university students are getting out of a cab.
But right now, there’s only Yi Jeong and the way he’s looking at her.
“And… are you ready?” she asks, heart in her throat.
“What do you think?” he teases, his hand still clasping hers. “I make idiotic speeches like this all the time?”
“It’s not idiotic,” she says right away, and she can tell he’s laughing at her. “What about the girl in there?” Ga Eul is not about to let him off the hook on that so easily. The younger her might have, but she’s not that girl anymore.
“What about her? You were out with some guy,” Yi Jeong says, slightly accusatory. “I have my pride, too, you know.”
Ga Eul smiles, pleased by his annoyance (though she’ll never tell him that). Because she’s in a generous mood, she decides to reward his honesty with her forgiveness.
“I did have a life while you were gone,” she says, biting her lip. Yi Jeong’s gaze falls to her mouth, she notices with satisfaction, and realizes she’s smiling. At this point, she can’t imagine she will ever stop. “But it always felt incomplete. I did miss you. I missed my friend.”
“What? Just a friend?” he says, feigning offense.
“That was all we ever were, really,” she reminds him. “Just friends.”
“We could never be just anything,” he says.
“And I missed you and me,” she admits.
Yi Jeong presses their foreheads together, and even though it’s possibly the closest they’ve ever been to one another, Ga Eul doesn’t fight it and isn’t scared of what comes next; she revels in the intimacy of the moment.
Which he spoils immediately. “So, Ga Eul-yang, you’re leaving with me, right?”
“What? I can’t!” She pulls away gently. “I have to finish my date. It would be so rude to just leave.”
Yi Jeong lets her go and takes out his phone. “Okay. I’ll give you five minutes.”
“Yi Jeong sunbae… I need to explain to him,” Ga Eul says, exasperated. “Sang Woo deserves that much. And what about your date?”
He finishes tapping on his phone. “Taken care of,” he grins.
She purses her lips in disapproval. While a part of her feels badly for the girl, another part does a little cheer. These girls know what they’re getting themselves into when they agree to go out with him. Still, Ga Eul empathizes because she knows what it’s like to want him in vain.
“I need more time than that,” she says. “But…”
“But?” he prompts.
“You can come over to my place tonight… and serve me tea.” She holds her breath, hoping the invitation isn’t too brazen.
His expression, previously put out, lights up, and those damn dimples appear again. “I’ll be waiting on your doorstep,” he promises.
“Give me your phone.” She holds out her hand.
Yi Jeong relinquishes it without hesitation, which for some reason makes delight practically curl her toes. Ga Eul looks herself up on his phone, intending to input her address for him, when she sees that he already has it. She looks up at him in surprise.
“I’m very resourceful, Ga Eul-yang,” he says unrepentantly. “And persistent.”
Ga Eul presses the phone into his chest. “And you know, Yi Jeong sunbae, that I am those things also.” She turns and heads back into the restaurant, the memory of his laugh following her with every step. She smiles to herself, her stupid heart feeling lighter than air.
And a little smug, too.