Chapter Text
I believe
As soon as those words leave his mouth, he feels the weight of it all crushing even more. He thought he would feel relieved or somewhat comforted by those words, but he knows. Oh, how he knows he is not saying those words for himself.
Will tries to stop the sobs stuck in his throat, resulting in the quiver of his lips and more tears pooling in his eyes that he refuses to let roll. He is looking at Mike, who holds his gaze, with the all-so-common twitch and furrow of his eyebrows he does when he is feeling more than what he allows himself to express.
The room goes still for a second, maybe two in which all you can hear are the quiet small sobs of the rest of the party.
It’s an emotional day for them, not only because of their graduation, the campaign or the speech Mike had followed with after, but because of all the build up of emotions throughout the years.
At some point, Will had believed he was never going to make it to graduate high school, but can you blame him? He doesn’t know if the rest of the party had ever felt like that. Well, maybe yes at some point when they all thought they were going to die on that tower. Or when Lucas had a Demogorgon standing in front of him after being injured in the tunnels. Or Max when she was seconds away from dying in Lucas arms in that attic. And Mike when that Demogorgon launched after him before being stopped and suspended in the air by Will.
Yeah, maybe they all thought about it for a second. This is it, this is where I die.
But for Will it was different. It wasn’t a one-second-before-dying thought. It was an every day feeling that had lingered from the moment he was taken in 1983. For the entirety of that week, all he thought about was how am I surviving this? Am I even going to live another day? And anyone else would think that after being rescued that thought would have gone away.
It never did.
He never felt the cold and the fear go away, he always felt watched. But after defeating Vecna and the Mind Flayer he understood why. That was the point. He was never completely safe, he was never alone. And even being in Lenora, away from everything, something deep inside of him knew that this was just a false calm. A false sense of security. He would always go to sleep thinking what if tomorrow is not a normal day? What if somehow everything falls apart again?
Until it did.
And then back in Hawkins, he felt it all again. It hit him like whiplash.
He was never alone. He was always afraid, no matter how hard he would try to push the feeling down at the back of his head. No matter how much he tried at acting normal again, for the sake of his mom and Jonathan, for the sake of El, for the sake of the party and for the sake of Mike; who somehow always knew when he was hiding something. Although after being apart when he moved to California, he had gotten better at hiding from him.
But this feeling, this thought was so carved into his brain, soul and existence, that even after everything was done, it took a while for him to understand that it was truly done. The upside down, the bridge between dimensions was gone, so was Vecna and so was El. And for the majority of those 18 months after coming back from Lenora, he thought he was going to be gone at the end too. But here he was, a year and a half after everything was over, being left to deal with the aftermath of the last six years of his life.
But most of all, dealing with the aftermath of losing El.
He loved her so much. They all did.
Hearing Mike, he really wanted to truly believe his words. The thought of his sister being alive should make him feel happy, at ease.
But it doesn’t.
Because if she truly were to be alive, it feels a bit unfair and wrong. Living a life alone, running away forever, and only living with the hope that everyone she loves is alive and well? I guess, knowing El, she would be happy knowing she is protecting them by making them believe she is dead. But in Will’s mind, that defeats the purpose of actually living, of what she actually deserves. She deserves to not only be alive, but live with the love and presence of everyone she loves and loves her back into her life. She deserves to be loved and cared for, she deserves to be protected because why would her purpose in life be protecting others, when that’s all she did when she was still here? She deserves a life, she deserves the chance to be carefree, she deserves discovering what actually makes her happy, she deserves everything that comes with living.
Will knew her. He knew what kind of music she liked, he knew her favorite color, he knew her favorite TV shows and movies, he knew how she acted when she was lying and how she acted when she was too excited it was difficult to contain herself. He knew how much of a perfectionist she was and how she cried at night when she felt like a failure. Will knew how much she was drawn into arts, how she would get excited whenever a school project would require for her to be crafty and creative, or how she would love to lay on Will’s bed to watch him paint or draw on their free time back in Lenora.
He knew her. And so, even when it’s heartbreaking and he also wishes it was a lie, a cover-up, he also knew she was dead.
But sitting in front of Mike, watching him talk, seeing his face and his eyes looking deep into Will, he also knows how much Mike needs him to believe.
So, when the words leave him, for a moment he regrets it. But just as the feeling comes, it goes away, seeing how Mike’s expression and small nod, almost missable, tell him a thank you.
Their gaze lingers, until—
The door opens and Mike breaks eye contact, looking back at the staircase. Will and the rest of the party follow.
“Guys, what’s going on?” Mrs. Wheeler's voice breaks the thin air in the basement. “The lasagna is getting cold.”
Will lets a small laugh out under his breath, thanking the interruption and for a second looks back at Mike, watching him trying to collect himself and respond casually.
“Yeah, we—” he stutters. “We just finished, we'll be right up.”
As they feel Mrs. Wheeler's footsteps draw away, they all turn to each other again.
Will thought he was doing good in not letting this whole conversation break him completely. Not because he didn’t feel comfortable crying and sobbing in front of his best friends, God knows he’s done that a lot before, but because of what this breakdown could entail. He was feeling too many things, too many emotions, too many unspoken words. It was too much and he didn’t feel like sharing that. And as they all stared at each other for a second, he knows he is not alone in the sentiment.
That breaks him a little more.
So as Dustin clears his throat and breaks the moment being the first to stand up, Will turns to the side. He feels a couple of betraying tears slip out, so he brings his hand to his mouth, trying to take control and not let them all fall.
He succeeds, barely.
He looks up when he feels movement around him and hears the sound of fabrics rubbing. That’s when he sees his friends, his best friends collect their binders and one by one, they put them on the shelf where they always belonged to.
That space in the shelf, this basement, this game is more than just their childhood; it’s their life. Putting them where they belong means more than just saying goodbye, it means acceptance. Accepting that they lived through it all, they survived and they still keep pushing towards their future. Accepting the losses that they had and what they gained.
It’s truly heartbreaking. But when it’s time for him to put his binder in, everything washes over him.
None of them deserved what happened. He didn’t deserve it at all. They were just kids, they still are. But they survived it and even though it’s over, they will probably still be surviving it for the rest of their lives. Acceptance hits Will all at once when he puts the binder down, so he steps away and sighs.
He looks up mid-turn, watching Mike with his binder on his hands waiting for his turn to approach the shelf. They both stand there, hearing Dustin’s footsteps getting farther away, indicating he is already out of the basement, leaving them alone. They stand there, feeling the air getting filled with so many unspoken words; unspoken truths. They just stand there, looking into each other’s eyes but with no idea what the other says.
Will starts wondering, was there ever a time when he didn’t know what was beyond those eyes he spent most of his life getting lost in? The answers find him before he can find them. Yes. It happened once, when he moved to California and met again after months. Although he can’t really blame him, given the fact that Will had started learning how to hide from his eyes as well around that time. Scared that Mike might find out the love and fondness they held.
Mike once again breaks eye contact, lowering his head to look at the binder on his hands. Will clears his throat, noticing how he was probably waiting for him to get out of the way.
“Sorry.” He gulps, looking away and starting to walk towards the stairs. He has a foot on the first stair when he hears Mike reply.
“Don’t be. S’alright.”
Will stops. God he sounds so broken and it truly breaks his heart. He knows he should probably give him space. He knows Mike is feeling as much as everyone else is when placing the binder down. So, he should probably just go up the stairs and give Mike a break for himself.
He should, right?
He turns around against his own thoughts. He is just being a good friend that’s worried about his best friend, that’s all.
“Mike— ” he stops. He doesn’t even think Mike heard him with how low he called his name, almost like a whisper. But he sees him. He sees Mike’s profile. Will sees his thumb brushing against his and Mike’s binder, but mostly his; Will’s. He sees how broken he looks. He can’t see his eyes properly, but he doesn’t need to. For the first time in years he doesn’t need to. Because he knows that stance all too well.
Regret.
Of what? He doesn’t know, and he thinks he maybe doesn’t even want to know. But then Mike turns around.
They lock eyes again.
Except this time, oh this time Will can see beyond. Mike has a very familiar look on his face. It 's painful, but it’s different from the look of pain he had when El disappeared with the upside down. It's different from the look of pain he has every time he goes to the place it all happened. It’s different from the look of pain he has every time they would reminisce about the old days. It’s different from the look of pain he had when they were hugging outside his old house, saying their goodbyes when Will moved away.
This look, he had only seen Mike do it one other time. It hits him and he catches his breath, surprised at how fast he can place the memory of when he’d seen it.
When Will came out, talking about his crush, how he was not like him and how Vecna had shown him what would've happened. In that moment while crying and letting the word vomit out due to the anxiety, for a second, he had looked up at Mike. He had looked up and saw how Mike gulped, brows furrowed and eyes dark and red from the tears pooling into them.
That look. At the time, he didn’t allow himself to think about or try to decipher it. Hell, he was feeling a lot of things at the moment to be worrying about that. Then it was the mission and everything that followed. Their talk at the tower, and God he had almost forgotten about that look.
Almost.
He didn’t allow himself to think about it. Not after everything that happened, everything they talked about. He was determined to forget about it, almost as if by doing that, he would also forget his feelings. And that was something he was used to doing.
But now, with Mike in front of him, giving him that same look, he remembers why he had tried to bury this feeling deep inside. He remembers why he had tried to downplay his feelings for Mike into a crush. He remembers their fight in the rain a couple years ago and the realization; that moment of when something awoke inside of him but at the same time broke. He remembers the pain he felt while destroying castle Byers. He remembers the embarrassment he felt at the airport with that goddamn half-assed hug greeting. He remembers the painting and the van. He remembers the look Mike gave him when he told him he was not going to join another party. He remembers Mike crying and hiding in his shoulder, even though he is taller than him, when saying goodbye. He remembers why it was always a losing battle to try and get Mike out of his heart, no matter how many times he’d tried. He remembers it all.
And just as he remembers, he can see Mike's eyes shift away from him, like he wasn’t supposed to know, to look, to see.
Will swallows and clears his throat, “Are you okay?”
Mike, still looking anywhere but Will, struggles to answer. “Yeah, um it’s nothing… nothing, I just— ” he whispers the last part, almost cautiously.
Will waits for an answer, for Mike to continue talking. He didn't want to push him, knowing Mike too well. He knows whatever Mike was thinking, he would eventually tell him or bottle it up until his body reacts for him. He hopes he would tell him.
After maybe a minute of waiting, the silence becomes too suffocating, unbearable. Will feels it crushing him, like a weight on his shoulders, hands choking the air out of him. He doesn’t know what to do or say so he just sighs, trying to relieve the lump he starts feeling on his throat, and starts to walk up the stairs once again, wanting to escape… whatever that was.
Before he can reach the door and walk out, he hears Mike behind him.
“Will, do you think maybe we could— ” A beat. He sounds shy so Will turns around one more time to see him a couple of stairs below him. He is fidgeting. “— talk? Maybe after dinner? If you have nothing else to do afterwards, of course. Although if you do have stuff to do we can maybe just talk tomorrow? But maybe you will probably be busy too. Maybe you can just tell me when you have some free time I don’t want to intrude or make you change your plans and it probably—”
“Mike.” he stops him. Mike looks up at him and Will can’t help but let a little chuckle escape, relieving the tension finally. He smiles fondly. It must be really important if Mike was doing one of his nervous rambles. “We can talk after dinner, I have nothing to do after.”
Will can’t really tell if Mike feels relieved or even more nervous with that answer
“Yeah, sure cool, alright. After dinner then”
Will laughs softly. “Yeah, cool. C’mon, I don’t want your mom to lose it over cold lasagna”
He turns back and walks out of the basement, feeling Mike walking a couple of steps behind him.
When they make it to the dining table, Will expects Mike’s mom to make a comment about how they surely took their time. But it’s actually Max who snickers.
“You were going to make me starve too, Wheeler? It’s bad enough that you made me come in here to play while there's a very cool senior party going on a couple of minutes from here and you made me cry in your basement but were you also going to make me starve? A little longer and I would've come down there and grab you by the hair myself.”
“Oh, please. Don’t act like you were going to have fun at Stacy’s” Mike replies while taking his seat on the table.
At least he is acting normal again.
“Actually, I would've loved to see Max kick Lucas’ ass during beer pong” Dustin laughs, earning a kick under the table from Lucas.
“First of all, screw you dude. And second, don't act like you wouldn't lose either. Remember the time you asked Steve to help you learn and it ended so bad you ended up falling on top of the table and drenched in apple juice? And don’t even let me remind you of the time you actually tried beer for the first time.”
“Those were different times, Lucas. I was a boy. Now, I'm a man.” Dustin replies, totally full of himself.
Will scuffs and starts laughing under his breath as Max says what everyone’s thinking." Oh, please give me a break”
The table quickly gets filled with the sounds of people eating, utensils against the plates and the never-ending chatter and teasing within the party. Will laughs watching Max and Dustin fight over the last piece of bread roll, leaving their banter about whether or not Dustin was now a man behind. Lucas just continues eating, knowing Max will probably win that fight and sneaks a few comments about it that earn the look of betrayal from Dustin. Will watches them all with the same fondness and love he feels every time they are all together like this, acting like everything’s okay because for the first time in years, they all believe they are.
They are okay, and even when there’re moments when they might not feel their best, they all keep pushing forward, day by day until eventually they feel like they are.
Naturally, his eyes shift towards his right side where Mike eats silently, occasionally laughing slowly at the rest of the party. Before he can look away, Will finds himself letting his gaze linger for a bit and then, he really looks at him. Mike is eating and he is laughing but somehow he looks a bit absent. Like he is trying his hardest to be present but his mind is somewhere else. The campaign and his theory must’ve taken a toll on him.
Or maybe he is thinking about whatever he wanted to talk to Will about after dinner.
That makes Will stop. He stops chewing and starts feeling nervous, recognizing that he hadn’t given himself the chance to truly think and react about the conversation he has no idea what could be about. He realizes he acted like it was no big deal in the basement, feeling like he needed to somehow ground Mike into not feeling nervous. But now that he is here and his thoughts drift to that mysterious conversation, he can’t help but let the anxiety get the best of him. He feels a tug in his stomach, feeling his throat close a little bit but he forces himself to swallow.
Mike must’ve felt the change in the air beside him, or maybe just felt Will staring at him because he turned his way, locking eyes with Will.
It only lasts a micro second though, Will looking away like he just got caught. Well, he definitely got caught staring. He looks down onto his plate, now playing with his leftovers, not wanting to look anywhere else.
It was normal for Will to sometimes catch Mike looking at him and vice versa. It was a normal occurrence for them to communicate with their eyes or just, look at each other, feel each other’s presence in a more intimate manner. They’ve always had shared glances, shared looks, it was something so them; so Will and Mike. There was only one time when it was truly awkward and Will felt like that spark, that connection between them was broken; spring break in Lenora. But after essentially trying to fix their friendship and all the Vecna bullshit, coming back to Hawkins and literally living in the same house, they soon found each other slowly going back to their dynamic.
Yeah, it might have taken a while with a couple of awkward moments here and there after the final battle with Vecna, but Will understands that that was just Mike going through a lot after El’s death. Hell, they were all going through it. So, Will tried to not think too much about the times he has caught Mike staring at him at random times. Maybe he was just trying to see if Will would reciprocate, if Will was still here, with him in the little bubble of comfort they would sometimes create ever since they became friends.
So although being caught looking wasn’t anything scandalous between them, Will can’t help but feel like he was caught doing something wrong, and he gets even more nervous. He hasn’t felt this type of nervousness ever since their talk at the tower 18 months ago, where he accepted that Mike was never going to look at Will the same way he looks at him.
Best friends.
He is sure that Mike never actually realized that he was essentially rejecting him at the time, but it doesn’t matter. Will had decided long ago that he was never going to actually confess to him. Even so, he still remembers the sting it left, knowing that Mike was apologizing for not being there and supporting Will throughout the hardships, but still feeling like he was apologizing for not feeling the same. So, even when he never actually confessed, he takes that conversation as closure. It hurt and when he thinks about it, it still hurts but again, he is used to that.
“You okay?” Now it's Mike’s turn to ask him, concerned. He feels his eyes on him but he still refuses to look up.
“Yeah I was just thinking about what that conversation could be about.” He tries to mask his nervous voice but notices it came out a little high pitched towards the end.
“Oh.” He knows Mike is now looking down on his plate. “Just you know… stuff”
Great now they’re both a nervous mess.
“Stuff” Will repeats, taking another deep breath. “Cool.”
Someone save him now.
─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───
Will never thought there would come a time where he would feel wrong and trapped inside Mike’s room, a place where he would feel comfort and warmth ever since their very first sleepover as kids. But now, he thinks maybe he prefers to be fighting with an interdimensional monster instead of being here, standing awkwardly looking at Mike sitting on his bed who refuses to meet his eyes, anxiety and nerves pouring out of him and suffocating Will. Has this room always been so tiny and hot?
But even when suffocating, he waits. Will waits for Mike to start talking.
After a beat, he sees Mike releasing a deep breath. “I’ve been meaning to talk to you, for the longest time.” he swallows, still refusing to look up at Will. “I just didn’t know —” a pause, “ — don’t know where to start.”
And Will, he understands. He sees himself in Mike, his hesitation, looking so scared and vulnerable. It was a scene he should be used to but somehow, this feels different. It’s a kind of vulnerability that's so raw, so heavy and he realizes it’s the first time he has seen Mike like this.
He has seen Mike being vulnerable with him, he has seen him apologize and bear his heart out, talking to Will with it on his hands, he has seen him cry with sobs ripping through him, scream piercing his ears that he still sometimes hears in nightmares, face torn in pain and suffering. He has seen him scared shitless and angry to a point a few tears might slip out. But still, the air around them is different as well as this type of vulnerability Mike is letting break out in his presence.
Oh, man.
Will tries to say something, anything to ease up Mike’s nerves but he retracts. He is scared that whatever he may say to Mike, might make him go back in his shell.
And he really wanted to be there for him.
So, he decided to finally take a seat in Mike’s bed beside him. After a few seconds of silence, he bumped his right knee with Mike’s left one.
I’m here for you.
Mike knocks it back and Will smiles at him, even when Mike is still looking at his own hands intertwined in his lap.
“I just… if I say something stupid, can you promise to stay until I’m done? I want to be honest with you, but I also know I have a history of being an asshole without realizing it, so…”
Will’s breath catches, letting a small nervous laugh out, “Mike relax, what’s going on?”
“Do you promise, Will?” He finally looks up to him and Will lets their eyes lock, the begging pouring out, tension dancing around them.
A beat. Two. Three.
“I promise, Mike”
He thinks about acting on his impulse, wanting to bring his hand to Mike’s thigh. He thinks about how there was once a time where he didn’t have to overthink being physically close to his best friend. He thinks how he’s been trying so hard for the past year to not touch Mike if it wasn’t absolutely necessary. Not because of Mike (who tends to look like a kicked puppy whenever Will puts distance between them on the couch during movie nights with the party), but because of him. He doesn’t trust himself in letting his touch linger or melt against Mike’s frame, so he does what he knows best; he avoids.
But right now, he really wants to initiate contact, even if it may burn his skin.
Fuck it.