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Zoro watches through his one eye as Nami flings herself onto Luffy, immediately sensing the oddity of the motion. His eyes stray from the tense scene as Nami begins to apologize, trying to find the ones of his annoying blue eyed companion only to find that Swirly is missing.
The pang in his heart at the realization is uncomfortable but it's nothing new. Zoro’s feelings for the cook had developed ever since his show of bravery during Thriller Bark where he had tried to switch places with Zoro in an attempt to spare him from experiencing a fraction of Luffy’s pain.
That was when he had realized Sanji properly cared for him. Although the cook has occasionally shown his care through food and through the quiet moments they shared which were as rare as Zoro finding his way without being dragged by Nami. He had always assumed Swirly just did not like him and would let him suffer if the chance ever let up.
That thought process seemed stupid as soon as Zoro took notice of it, because of course Sanji would care, they are nakama.
Well, they were, because according to Nami, the cook wants out from the crew. A sense of dread and anger folds Zoro's stomach on itself as he tries to maintain a neutral expression – which in his case is a scowl – while Nami finishes explaining the situation to the crew.
“I'm going to go get Sanji back!” Luffy says immediately, because Sanji is not allowed to leave, he is the future Pirate King’s cook and Luffy would rather let go of his dream than be forced to sail with one of us missing.
“I want to go too,” cries Chopper, “What if Sanji gets hurt and they don't have a proper doctor in Germa?! What if he dies?!” Brook cackles his signature laugh,
“Yohohoho, Sanji is much too strong to get hurt and even if he did somehow obtain an injury, there is no chance he would die in such a way.”
Zoro tones out the conversation as he tries to think through his anger. Why would Sanji leave? Were the Straw Hats that replaceable to him? Or had something happened that forced him to leave? But according to what Nami told them, Sanji had left willingly. Did the crew finally weird him out to the point of no return? Was it something the crew had done, or was it a change in Sanji? Has Zoro done something wrong?
But the most pressing question rumbling through Zoro’s head was: Why should I care?
Yes, he likes Sanji, likes him so much that Zoro’s body naturally gravitates towards him when he’s twirling around the table serving the women. Likes him so much that just the thought of him is enough to motivate Zoro to try his hardest, even when he just wants to fall. But so what? In the end, these feelings will never be reciprocated, and this is a way for him to get over it.
Although, the crew would never be the same without Sanji and most would end up food poisoned by the first week. Without the cook, the chaos of this family would not feel the same. In addition, if Zoro were to be completely honest with himself, which he can be, in a very blunt way, he does not want to get over Sanji.
The annoying blonde might be infuriating most of the time but he was Zoro’s equal and Luffy’s right hand man. Without Sanji, not only will the crew become imbalanced, but so would Zoro, having lost one of the biggest pillars holding him up. And to show weakness as Luffy’s Second in Command is the easiest way to put a target on the Straw Hats’ heads.
“I’m going to go too!” Nami says, dragging him out of his thoughts. “You guys will need to be able to find your way to Whole Cake Island fast if we want to catch up to the others in Wano”
“In that case, I'll come along too. Someone needs to be able to knock some sense into that shitty cook's head,” Zoro grumbles. Everyone turns to look at him, their expressions neutral but slightly odd, as though they suspect that the swordsman has ulterior motives.
“Okay, so, we have me, Luffy, Brook, Zoro and Chopper going to bring back Sanji. While the rest of you go to Wano.” Nami says.
“Please make sure that Sanji comes back, I don't want to get food poisoned!” Usopp cries, tears shooting right through his eyes and into the sky and rain down on his face.
The crew all laugh at Usopp’s breakdown, but Zoro bets that everyone was hoping, just as much as Usopp, or even more, that Sanji comes back home, safe and sound.
***
They land on an island filled with humans and Minks. Zoro is shocked to see that everything on this island is exactly as this kingdom’s name suggests, made entirely of cake. Zoro follows Nami, Luffy, Carrot and Chopper as they search for Sanji, only to find himself in some random lady’s cake house with the crew.
The woman was around the same age as Zoro, her eyes big, round, and innocent and her hair brown with bangs that reached her eyebrows.
“Make sure to stay safe!” Pudding, the girl with the brown hair whispers to them as they climb out the window and she heads to distract the policemen.
“What a nice person,” says Nami once they were on their ship, heading towards the island Pudding had pointed them to.
“Yeah, she told us where Sanji will be!” Luffy laughs as his rubbery arms sling across the deck to hold on to Sunny’s head before a large wave crashes against the hem, shaking the ship. Zoro grips the railing his head is laying on with his hands behind his head as he attempts to nap. The effort is practically useless as his thoughts keep swirling back to Sanji.
What if he does not come back? What if he wants to marry whoever it is he is betrothed to? Zoro roughly shoots to his feet as he heads towards the crows nest to drown any thoughts away with grueling training.
— —
Zoro is nearly ready to collapse on one of the couches in the crows nest that lay neglected without someone other than him ever entering the room when he hears Luffy calling out Sanji’s name. Zoro’s heart thumps in his chest as he leaps to where the crew is crowded at the edge of the ship.
“Look Zoro, it’s Sanji!” Chopper points at a figure in the distance when he spots Zoro heading their way. With his only functioning eye, Zoro can barely make out a fluff of blonde before the figure disappears into the forest, which, of course, is also made of sugary delights.
Zoro makes up his mind that this island is officially the worst, his sweet tooth being no stronger than Sanji is weak and there being no conveniently placed booze bush laying around does not help his mood.
Holding back a sigh, he leaps behind Luffy as he goes to chase Sanji, who seems to be running… away? Zoro confusingly rushes towards the forest, his swords thunking at his side as his feet speed up.
His heart beats unsteadily as his eyes track Sanji’s blond hair behind a tree whose leaves were topped with a soft pink glaze.
“Yo, ero-cook, why are you running away?!” Zoro’s mind may be filled with doubts but that does not stop him from planning to absolutely thwart the asshole to the ground once he catches up to him, since Sanji clearly seems to be set on ignoring the Straw Hats.
Speaking of which, Zoro glances beside him to find that neither Luffy nor anyone else is following him, even though he swears that they were all running after Sanji mere moments ago. The swordsman doesn’t pay this issue any mind, having been in this situation multiple times because of his challenged sense of direction.
Zoro manages to reach Sanji close enough to be in pouncing range before the cook transforms right before his eyes into Luffy. Zoro's jaw is on the floor and before he can pick it back up another Sanji appears from a random tree on his right.
I hate this island so much, Zoro thinks before chasing Sanji again, hoping that this time he stays the same person. Expecting Luffy to follow him, he doesn’t look back, until he notices the lack of laughter or screams that usually accompany their captain.
His body growing tired and his thoughts spinning, Zoro decides to try to find the others. But of course, since the world hates him, the swordsman ends up having to cut the eerie trees down just to be able to escape from the forest's grasps. Finally outside, he lays down to take a nap, hoping that by the time the rest of the crew escapes the forest they will have Sanji with them and they can all go home.
***
Unfortunately for Zoro, Luffy and the others had not returned with Sanji by the time he awoke. Tired of waiting, the swordsman makes up his mind to go back to the forest and continue his search. Somehow, the swordsman ends up going on a ship and gets taken away to a different island.
The green head goes on a journey trying to get back to the forest and after two days of running around, fighting, boarding random ships and lots of overthinking, he finally reaches the area where the forest was, except now he had to try and find the rest of his crew again.
After he gets lost for the millionth time in the past two days, he hears a loud ruckus coming from an open area surrounded by a castle made of cake. He huffs, having grown tired and sick of the sugar all around him. He has no clue how Sanji will deal with being surrounded by these stomach churning sweets for his entire life. That is exactly the reason why Zoro wants to get him back, to help Sanji fulfill his dream and gaze at him as he creates wonderful food from the creatures he acquires from the All Blue.
Yet a small, cursed part of him says that Sanji doesn’t want him to be gazed at by Zoro. The same part of him that took hold whenever the courage to shove his heart bleeding of emotion into Sanji’s strong and trustworthy hands. The part that constantly whispers: "He will never accept your filthy heart. What does the prince do with a pirate who sullies all he touches with his blood? Throw him out, that's what." Zoro knows not to listen to the voice, but the courage to confess subsides. And even though the prince would never jail the pirate, he can only hide his true desires in fear that the prince would be disgusted by the filth he truly is.
Zoro gets dragged away from his thoughts by a loud noise sounding from inside the castle and he lets his feet lead him towards it instead of trying to navigate himself. The closer Zoro came to the noise, the more intense the feeling in his stomach became, until he stood in front of two large doors made of a type of cookie he does not recognize and the feeling stops increasing, almost as if it’s holding in a sigh, before inevitably bursting in pain. And once he opened the door, he understood why.
***
Zoro hadn’t thrown open the door like a complete idiot, but rather held it ajar, just enough to see with his eye. From the view, it seems that the door is located at the side of the room, the front entrance being visible and very much decorated as one of the main sources of attraction.
The green head looks around, catching sight of rows and rows of seats on his left. But his attention was immediately drawn to the right corner of the room. There, on a white stand adorned with delicate soft pink flowers and pink ribbons and all sorts of other pink decorations Zoro can’t make out, stood the reason for his lack of attention.
A pounding in his chest begins. A slow thump at first, and in the small seconds Zoro admires the view, his eye zooms in on one person alone. The pounding increasing to the point where he can no longer tell if the pressure is coming from his chest or from somewhere else around his body. The only thoughts swirling in Zoro’s mind was of how beautiful Sanji looked.
The cook was wearing a white suit, ironed to have not a single fold, the material ethereal and glowing. A flower matching the ones around the room tucked into his breast pocket, a glittery sheen lightly coloring the tips of the petals. Although his outfit was beautiful and much better than any wedding outfit Zoro might have imagined Sanji with, it was his face that made his knees go weak.
It was the exact same beautiful face he had always gazed at back at the ship and yet, after so much time away from him, it seems he had forgotten how intense his features really were. Zoro holds in his breath as he takes it all in. The sharp jaw, hard set and tense, his sun-tanned skin and strong neck. He takes in the smooth, yellow hair, brushed and soft to the touch.
The last thing Zoro takes in is Sanji’s eyes. One of them is covered by his bangs as usual, but in his other eye, blue as the ocean and just as deep, he could see something was off about the look inside of it. There was warmth and there was that same glimmer his eye always held whenever he gazed upon a woman but there was something else in there.
The swordsman tries to figure out what it is. He could tell that it was something wild and unstable, but it was hidden so deep inside, caged, that it was practically impossible to clearly make out the emotion.
Another sound, something like a drum, rumbles from inside and the woman from before, Pudding was her name if Zoro recalls correctly, walks down a long strip of pink carpet. In her arms lies a wonderful arrangement of flowers, most of them the same type as Sanji held in his pocket. Her wedding dress marvelous puffs of white swishing around her in graceful twirls. A veil covers her face but anyone can tell that she looks gorgeous.
Unlike you. The voice whispers gently in Zoro's ear, sounding so much like Sanji he nearly turns around to look. He doesn't. Instead he keeps staring, staring at his yellow-headed nakama waiting for his beautiful bride with an expression that yearns.
And Zoro keeps watching, even when the voice in his head continues; “You will never be as good for him as she is. Beautiful, poised, graceful and bright. A princess.” The voice gets louder as Puddings climbs the podium, grinning to take her award.
Who was Zoro to stop her? She clearly deserved to be with Sanji, a princess fit for the prince. A pirate is no match for her royal highness, a pirate who is stained and bruised and broken. A pirate with the entire crew on his shoulders, hunched and rude and mean and what use would a prince have with such a rag.
Because to Sanji, that’s what he is. A rag on the crew, a strong one that’s extra dirty and stinky. Except, that’s not fair to Sanji, Zoro knows that the kind-hearted freak would never think of his nakama like that.
The officiator finishes his long speech, ending it with the usual: “You may now kiss the bride.” Sanji lifts Pudding’s veil, and he gasps, falling back. Zoro strains his eye to get a good look, catching sight of a. . . third eye?! He glances back multiple times to double check, his twirly-browed love confirming what Zoro sees with his stammering;
“You-you have a third eye?!” Pudding looks like she’s about to cry, having guessed that that would be his reaction to her eye. Disgust. Except Zoro knows him better, and if anything, that bastard will only find it more appealing.
“No, no I didn’t mean anything by it. It looks beautiful. You. . . look beautiful.” Suddenly, his entire manner changes. His awkward stance and shocked expression relax and he seems much more melancholic for a moment, almost sad. Then, just as fast as it came, his reaction leaves, and he turned into his usual charismatic self.
The officiator clears his throat. “You may now kiss the bride.” And this time, Sanji sweeps in, grasping her waist and bringing her close in one graceful motion so charming even Zoro began blushing.
Although there was a burning sensation in his stomach and a fire in his heart that urged him to interrupt, to go in there and save his love, he did not. The voice in his head begins to shout, chaining him to the biscuit floor, freezing his arms and legs and lungs till they beg him to breathe. He watches as Sanji leans in close and places a kiss on Pudding's soft round lips.
Time freezes, Zoro stuck there watching the moment unfold, the voice in his head back to its whisper. Except, this time it does not sound like Sanji, it sounds like him. His cowardice was not the voice's fault, it was his own.
His last thought before Luffy brought hell was that it was far too late. Although the pirate has always had the chance to save the prince, the prince will never choose the pirate, not when the princess is there to save him from the pirate’s retched sharp claws.
***
After long hours of fighting and Sanji having to go through the trouble of baking an entire cake for Germa, they all finally gather on the Sunny, ready to leave for Wano as soon as possible. There is a single problem though. The problem herself not very big, physically, but the heavy weight of the awkward blanket draped around the entire ship is enough to hinder the ship's escape progress.
Normally, Zoro wouldn’t care. Just another person on the ship he had to protect for the time being. The curly-browed, newlywed idiot on the other hand, was currently shifting foot to foot with his shoulders curling in as an attempt to hide and asking their captain a question the swordsman really wished to never hear.
“Is it okay if Pudding stays on this ship until we find her a place to stay? We are married now and she does not want to stay with her mother’s family because of… well you know why.” Sanji all but squeaks out.
Zoro has no clue why he seems so afraid, why he can’t just speak his mind without fear? What could this strong and capable man even be afraid of? And then it hits him. He’s afraid they will leave him. Sanji probably thinks that his actions are unforgivable and that he does not deserve to even be here. Hence why even the thought of asking Luffy for a favor made him lose his nerves.
But Zoro won’t have none of that.
“What the fuck do you think the answer will be, shit cook?” Sanji’s eyes jump from the floor they were staring at to the speaking man. “Do you think Luffy, of all people, would say no to that? Seems the few days you’ve spent apart from us have made you forget how we roll.”
After a few seconds of stunned silence, Luffy is finally the one who breaks the spell.
“Zoro’s right! Of course Pudding can stay! But not for too long because Zoro doesn’t look like he likes her.” Luffy stretches his arms and places them on his hips, looking proud as though he had done something worthy of praise and saunters off to annoy Nami about steering the ship.
The mosshead stands there, his eyes open slightly wide from the shock of Luffy’s declaration. He ponders whether he should say something to the couple in front of him who are now staring back with eyes just as wide before he shrugs that feeling off. Why should he care about either of their feelings? Sanji is a married man and Pudding is his wife, both of those things piss Zoro off and he will not try to hide his emotions. Maybe just the reasons behind them.
At least if he expresses them, they will fade away soon enough.
— —
They do not.
In fact, Zoro’s emotions have decided to not only stay for the entire week they have been sailing, but also increase in intensity. He can now properly make out the major and minor emotions. Like the jealousy that strikes his chest every time he sees Pudding wrapping her arms around her prince that makes Zoro lash out, scaring the poor woman. Or like the pure sadness that envelopes him when he wakes up to the sound of Sanji’s whimpers from a nightmare that is usually followed by the sound of his shallow breathing and his footsteps escaping the shrinking room.
Heck, Zoro has even begun to notice that within this growing barf of emotions inside his chest, there is guilt. Guilt for what, the swordsman has no clue, but the sole existence of it is impossible and out of place.
The small changes have become so drastic that Carrot, a woman he has barely even talked to, began to notice he was acting strange.
Nami had even come to him one day, telling him that he was acting, “meaner than usual”, towards Sanji. And that, although she can never hope to understand their complex relationship, (she had said that with a pointed look at Zoro), she thinks that he should be less harsh with Sanji as he has been going through a very tough time.
Zoro knows all of this of course. He knows that he has been extra ass-y and that Sanji has been going through one of what the swordsman can only describe as the worst month of his life on this ship. But because his emotions are at an all time high, his mouth keeps running off with insults that are sharpened with more than just a slap, and he knows that each one seems to be landing exactly where he wants them to.
Sanji’s guilt.
Which is why he never responds back to Zoro's extra mean insults. All the man does is cast his eyes down, mumble what sounds like an apology and heads to another room, far away from the pissy, child-like, swordsman.
So, when one day Zoro catches Sanji and Pudding cuddling in a place that is known to be one of Zoro’s napping spots and he snaps at them more harshly than intended, he is very surprised when the cook snaps back.
“What the fuck is wrong with you!” He jumps from where he was sitting with Pudding and stomps towards Zoro, his blue eyes flashing in annoyance and a deep anger.
The man with the swords is readying a smirk when he notices that the cook’s expression was very intense and different from the usual expression he wears when they are about to brawl. Sanji is angry, but more importantly, he’s. . . hurt.
That is when Zoro feels that he has royally, significantly, and any other synonym possible, messed up.
***
A flash of black barely registers in his peripheral vision before Zoro is immediately pressed against one of the large masts, the wood cringes under the impact. Sanji’s eye is directly in front of his own, the emotions boiling inside the blue mass are practically indecipherable, all except for the hurt expressed not only through Curly’s eye, but also through his facial expression.
“You have been treating me like shit the entire week–” Zoro opens his mouth to complain–“Shut up Mosshead, I know we always treat each other like that, but this is crossing the fucking line!”
He closes his mouth, waiting for Sanji to finish what he is trying to say. Zoro knows he has crossed a line. Although he does not remember the comment he made on their cuddling session clearly, he remembers it being directed to both Sanji and Pudding. He usually avoids insulting the lady, but today he had been particularly vexed by the sight of the couple.
“I took all the other insults with my mouth shut. So why–” he pauses again, conflicted, then changes the direction of his words.
“Look, I know. I know I deserve this treatment, okay?! So please, if you are going to take it out on anyone, keep it to me. Don’t be a jerk to Pudding. She hasn’t done anything wrong.” Sanji lowers his leg from the mast, unpinning Zoro.
“Please, Zoro”
The use of his name shocks the man, and in any other scenario he would have shuddered from pleasure at the sound. But the guilt swirling around in his guts only intensifies. Sanji, the man Zoro loves dearly, thinks he deserves the harsh treatment he is receiving. He believes that… he is undeserving.
This thought angers and breaks Zoro more than anything else. More than the unreciprocated love he will forever be burdened with.
“Do you think you deserve respect?” He spits out, his back still pressed tightly against the mast. The cook’s face contorts in hurt and guilt, clearly having misinterpreted his nakama’s words.
A few long minutes of silence pass and Zoro’s anger increases. “I asked you a question!” he flinches and the swordsman bites back his guilt. Taking a step closer to Sanji, he leaves barely a breath between them. “Are you deserving of respect?”
The slender man maintains eye contact for mere seconds before looking down, sighing in acceptance, in defeat.
“No.”
Silence.
No sound escapes either of the men, nor whoever and whatever surrounds them. Not Pudding, not Luffy, not the ship creaking underneath them, not even the waves continue their raging, having calmed down to an eerie stillness.
“Then you are one stupid fucking dumb ass man.”
And Zoro closes his eyes and allows himself to do something to the married man. One of the things he swore would never do as it would mean he could no longer contain his affections any longer. Would break his well built walls and showcase the smithereens to whoever dares to look too long. He leans in and wraps his arms around the strongest, kindest, and deserving man he knows, expecting, and fully accepting, the shards that will be thrown his way.
Even more silence.
Then, Sanji pushes back, not roughly as Zoro had imagined he would, but gently, and just enough to look into Zoro’s eye. He seems shocked, conflicted, but a calm curtain had draped across his heart, steadied him, during the hug.
“Why?” The cook’s voice breaks, the heart of the man before him breaks along with it, his tone unbearably heavy. A sob shakes his body, “Why did you not stop me? Everyone knows you are in love with me, so why did you not reach out to help me? Do I mean so little to you?!” Tears trail down the man’s cheeks as he lightly pounds Zoro’s chest.
A gasp shakes the assaulted man as he takes in the confession. Sanji knew. Everyone knew.
Zoro opens his mouth to say something, anything. But nothing comes out. What can he say? Does he admit how much Sanji means to him? But then he’d have to admit that he is a coward, a weak fucking coward that couldn’t be there for the one he loves when it mattered most. He can’t.
But.
Fuck, screw that.
“I’m sorry.” Zoro forces his arms to let go of the man, to pull back and be able to look him properly in the eye. “I am so sorry Sanji.”
I know I haven’t been fair to you, or to Pudding. But that’s not what I’m apologizing for. I’m sorry for being a coward. For being unable to support you in a time where you clearly needed help. I assumed–” he swallows a lump before soldering on, forcing himself to continue. “I assumed you were content with Pudding. That you would be happier with her and that scared me. I wanted you. I want you, Sanji.”
Zoro feels a tremor from where his hands are still lightly gripping Sanji. He doesn’t know where the trembles start nor end. Maybe both men are shaking, fear and guilt and all those different emotions having taken over.
“I want you. And I’m sorry that I never expressed this to you properly. We both know I’ve never been good with expressing emotions.” He exhales one last time before he takes a good look at Sanji’s expression.
Hurt, guilt, sadness. But something else is there too. The same fleeting emotion in his eyes during the wedding.
“I loved you too, you know? I also thought you love me enough to finally break free of the cage you have put yourself in. I guess I was wrong.” Sanji takes a large step back, wipes the stray tears from his face before a cold mask appears on his face.
Zoro opens his mouth to argue, to deny, to prove, but Sanji interrupts him. “Don’t bother, nothing you will ever do will save us.”
And that is when Zoro’s heart shatters into pieces.