Chapter Text
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Dusk is setting gradually above the Western sky, outlineing the swirling clouds, roaming low near the horizon, in the shade of yellowish-orange from the diming Sun.
“Click”
The camera shutter snaps; there is a young man with raven-colored hair standing alone, who takes a quick glance at the twilight photo just taken, then casually putting the phone into his pant pocket. Levi remains in silence, taking another few steps out into the edge of the sea facing the East, where from a far, there is a black faint shape of rolling hills of the mainlain, where people are starting to turning on lights. It’s still late Winter, so nights are long and the cold persists: he shivers in the biting winds of Sina Island, the thing he thought he had got used to after thirty years plus living here, but gets proven wrong every single time. The gushes mercilessly keep lashing onto the slender figure, who is nailing his bare feet into the sand, unbothered by the freezing waves which are raising higher and higher, eating away any heat left from him.
“What are you doing here?” – Comes a warm female voice.
Levi slowly turns his head towards the direction of the question, where stands a lanky silhouette of a brunette young lady, casually shifting weight from side to side, a-few-stride distance from behind him to the right. She looks not so much warmer than him: dessing in thin-layer clothing of a silk dressshirt and a pair of linen trousers, which is darken wet quite above the hems from the rolling waves. She meets his eyes through her thick pair of glasses, forming a small smile as a greeting gesture. Only then Levi replies:
“Ah… I am enjoying the view of the sea, and the sunset.”
“Is that so?” – There is obvious suspicion in her words, more witty than serious. – “Really?”
He hesitates for a few moments then simpers.
“Really!”
“No one ever enjoying the view with all legs into the seawater in this freezing cold weather!”
She leans towards him a bit without actually taking a step forward, to examine the man better; yet he just shrugs and diverts his gaze back to the horizon.
“Wow, you are trully sharp...” – Levi bows his head, and looks down at the sparkling white bubbles of the waves, crashing against the shore, against his legs, soaking the pants above the knees already. – “The truth is… I just want to hold waves in my arms.”
She freezes in puzzlement, looking at him, then the corners of her lips gently curve upwards, forming a light smile; her eyes trace his gaze to the skyline.
“Well, you know… wave is not real object…”- Levi turns around with a raised eyebrow at the speaker. She continues. – “Wave is a natural phenomenon in which the sea surface moves vertically when energy is transferred from air to water. So basically, you want to hug water, and one can not hug liquid, so… technically, you are just soaking yourself.” – He is now visibly confused, which goes unnoticed by her: she is just glacing down at her feet, mindlessly playing with an empty seashell that is just found from somewhere. – “…You can not physically hold something that is absurd like that, you know?”
At the end of speech, the seashell is kicked into the ocean with a soft “plop” and carried away in the withdrawing wave. She looks back at him whose brows almost touch each other, mouth slightly gaping. Both of them stop dead for 3 seconds, suddenly he cracks an audible laugh, amused by the explaination that is so unsuitable to the context.
“Wow… I am truly enlightened…” – He jokes among cackles, making her attitude also lightened, bringing the smile back to her lips.
“…But…” – With one arm holding the other, she takes a deep breath of sea wind in and slowly exhales. – “…honestly, you shouldn’t hold on to something that is so unreal or unrealistic like that…”
Levi stops, expression darken, slightly ducks his head and sighs; after a moment or two, he finally looks up at her, grey irises filling with still emptiness.
“Can I ask you to join me for dinner today?”
“Huh, what?”
“Well, it’s about dinner time, so I want to invite you for dinner, is that okay?” – Noticing the hesitation on her face, he then realises. – “Oh, sorry, I forgot. My name is Levi Ackerman, I live near here.”
She is undoubtedly surprised; face contorts into a wry weird excuse smile. Normally, she would have declined the offer immediately, ‘who on Earth with a right mind having dinner with a stranger’, but now she wavers. Maybe, she doesn’t think he is a bad guy: he’s probably just a depressed man who is fed up with life, trying to have someone to talk to; and he looks honest enough not to have bad motives; besides, with that slender and not-too-tall frame, he sure can’t do anything to harm her, at least on his own. Not to mention, she inherently an out-going and carefree person: it’s not uncommon for a social individual like her to hang out with new friends. Still, there is something in the gut holding her back from saying no, but not willing enough to say yes; her fingers fidget with the hem of the shirt, not knowing how to respond. What is that feeling about? Is it intuition? She doesn’t know, either.
After a long silence from her, Levi continues. – “Don’t worry, I have no bad intention. You can choose a familiar restaurant, I’II pay. Let’s take this as a thank you gift from me for such an interesting piece of knowledge you gave just then. Is that alright?”
Out of nowhere in her head comes up a lightbulb, she swiftly faces him and says:
“Well, I think I should go home and change first. My pant hems are all soaked. We should wear warm dry clothes or else it’s not a good idea getting sick in this weather.” – She speaks non-stop in a breath, eyes scanning him, then goes on with her voice half octave higher than usual. – “You, too, you know. All wet! Go home and change. Later… yes, later, we will meet and have dinner. What do you think?”
“…Uh, well, okay then, see you tonight.”
She turns around in a hurry, half walking half running away, but doesn’t forget to glance back at the man, who is still standing there unmoving, with her face full in wariness and confusions.
Levi seems to realise to miss something, calls after her: “Oh, hey! I forgot to ask for…your… name…” – His voice gets smaller as she is far gone by then. The hope to extend the conversation is fully snuffed out, his gaze descends to hide the disappointment in mind. He slowly walks across the shore, with his shoes still in hand, all bare feet back home. Emptiness fills up crooks and cranies in his heart.
Suddenly, he faces up, feels like there is someone are watching him. Levi scans the whole area and notices an unknown figure looking in his direction, then quickly turning away and getting in to the waiting van nearby. He sighs, and shakes his head, not wanting to give too much attention for it. Let’s just say, he is delusional, or he is getting used to the situation that it has become the norm. Then, he resumes walking home.
“I must go on anyway…”
The sky now is fully dark.
⌘ -- ⌘ -- ⌘
She finally comes: Levi with a bright grin on, waves at her from a far. Now, they both dress in properly warmer clothing.
“I know you will come back!”
“How long have you been here, man? I didn’t even say the time, why are you still coming? We didn’t even agree on the location, either, how do you know to wait here anyway? And what are you thinking, man, trusting a stranger? What if I let you out here alone waiting all night?” – She comes running, eyes glancing at the watch, mouth panting heavily yet still being able to consecutively interrogate him, who is casually leaning back on the handrail of the seaside street.
“Slow down, lady, one by one. Take a breath and then speak, ok?” – Levi grins, hands flapping to fan her face, who is crouching and struggling to breathe. – “To answer your questions; First one, I just got here a few minutes ago; second, I think this is the time when the majority of people in Paradis having dinner; third, I saw you walking back home earlier so I guess you also live near here so I wait at the same spot; lastly, forth and fifth, you still come here now, don’t you?”
She finally looks at him, and stands back straight. While hiding the amazement at the man’s ability to memorize her string of speech, she then straightens her coat and bridles up, raising her voice. – “Well, I-I ran out of food at home so I must go to the convenience store, that’s all, not that I come here for you!” – With a playful sneer, she pretends to be mad at his over-confident explaination. – “Were there be food at home, I would gladly leave you here frozen!”
“Haha, a bad liar like you can't be that cruel.”
“What did you say? Who even care to lie to you?
“You know, around here there is only one convenient store and it’s on the opposite direction.”
“…”
He dearly watches her face reddening from visibly embarrasment and from the cold of this 7-8-degree weather. And resulting from all the running, her hair pokes out in all directions and her medicated glasses slide low on her nose bridge. As an old habbit, Levi raises his hand and pushs the glasses back up and gently combs her messy hair with his gaze full of endearment.
“You look really adorable whenever you blush, Silly Four-eyes-”
He comes to the abrupt halt, knowing that the slip of the tongue and the actions are so inappropriate in this circumstance that he quickly retracts his hand and puts it in the coat pocket. Hange, of course, he knows her name, and he called her by her petname, and that name only sounds like a disaster alarm for her. Levi avoids her eyes, the person starting from being surprised to being utmost terrifed looking at him. To save the situation, he explains:
“Uh, well, I believe a person who is willing to spend a whole minute of their life explaining a science definition to a stranger at the beach would not likely to be a bad guy. Ha ha, a-and I want to put a bet on such people, you know…”
“You know me before, don’t you?” – Hange interrupts coldly, unbothered by the excuses from him.
Levi ignores her question, stands up and promptly turns away from her. After a few seconds, when he is about to set off, he says: “I know there is a really nice European restaurant just around the corner; if you haven’t decided where to eat yet, shall we go there?”
Feeling the silence from the other person, Levi turns around, is finally able to look at her in the eyes, whose tawny irises are filled with hundreds of messy puzzling thoughts, yet she doesn’t know where to start.
“Hey, there, don’t look at me as if I were a new-found creature just having been salvaged from the depth of the Pacific Ocean like that… Now, let’s go…” He forces a smile, slightly beckons with his head towards the direction to signal her to come along.
And Hange does follow, with Levi beside trying to match her pace. The two of them walk in awkward silence for a while. Realizing that he should say something, Levi sighs, raising his hand messing his hair up helplessly.
“You may be so confused right now, right?” – Another sigh. – “I swear, I am not a bad guy, and I will answer all of your questions, one by one.”
The sound of night waves fills up the empty space between them, feels so close, yet so far away.
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“Who are you and how do you know me?” – Not even fully seated, Hange asks.
“Calm down, we should order first.” – Levi waves at the waiter. – “Can we have a vegetable soup, a grilled pork and bread, and two hot Earl Grey tea please.”
Her face starts to lose its color from dismay, and seeing this makes his gut twist a little too painfully. He diverts his sight away, reassuring her once again.
“Don’t worry, Hange. I will never have any bad intention towards you, so please, don’t panic, I will let you know everything…”
Those words he said feel like he has been through that same situation many times before: they carry not only the undoubtable desperation but also seasoned composure and forbearance.
“So, frankly speaking, you are not a random dude who wants to commit suicide by drowning yourself and I am not a random person who stops you either, right? I just check my phone earlier; there are photos of us together. You know me, you know my house, and you even know my eating habits. Not to say, you know what problem I am facing right now, is that true...” – Her voice starts shaking at some last words, on verge of tears. – “You planned this whole thing, didn’t you? After all, what’s happening and who are you…?”
Levi sighs.
“I am sorry to scare you. I understand, you will probably be shocked and questioning everything I am about to say, still, you have every rights to choose what to do with them…”
Obviously, Hange has no other options but to listen to him, because eventually, in her case, she doesn’t have anyone to help her deal with all the mess inside her head.
“Ok, I’m ready.”
He swallows hard, then begins.
“My name is Levi Ackerman, 33 years old, Head of Market research Department at Survey Corporation, live alone in apartment No.2047 in Shiganshina complex. And I have been your lover for 5 years, 5 months and 16 days. Next week will be our 2000-day anniversary.”
He comes to a halt to watch her expression. Hange, with out a word, slightly frowns and nods to signal him to continue.
“To prove that, I can tell some traits about you that not a random creepy stalker can have. Firstly, you graduated in Marine Science because you love the sea but had to hide it from your family and pretended studying at Law school; secondly, in senior year, your parents found out and had a quarrel so you move out with a job and some saving, since then you have stayed in the small camper van that you paid by installments for 3 years; thirdly, you choose to park the van at the beach West of Shiganshina to open a small shop selling souvenirs and miniature crafts, at the same time pursue your dream of exploring the sea…”
“Here’s your food.” – A voice comes, interrupts him. – “Have a nice meal, sir.”
“Thank you.” – Levi automatically replies, not noticing the confused look on the waiter’s face while leaving, he proceeds.
“If you need more evidences, there are our photos in your phone; uh… or you can find some unfamiliar things at home, they may be my gifts for you, too.”
“Yes, I already saw them… So, about me, what happened to …me?”
His lips press into a thin line, then he lets out a puff of air that has been holding heavily in his chest, looking at her. Reaching into his pocket, Levi pulls out his phone, she perplexes, hand unconciously roaming to find hers in the purse: turns out her phone is still in there. It seems like they have the same type of phone: same brand, same model, same color; they must have bought together, she thought. He unlocks the sceen, catches her attention again with a folder named Waves he is opening and handing her the phone.
For a few first files, they are photos of some newspaper articles with massive headlines.
[YATCH SINKING IN SINA, COUNTLESS DEATHS]
[WHOSE FAULTS? SHIP OWNER OR PASSENGERS?]
[SHIPWRECK IN SINA BAY, AN ALARMING CALL!]
…
“Feel free to read them and swipe to the next one, ok? I will explain along.”
Hange follows his words, and swipes to some next photos which are photos of the two on a cuising yatch, fishing, scuba diving to watch the coral reef, eating grilled seafood… it seemed like they had an enjoyable trip in a beautiful day. She looks at the phone with both suspicion and panic. It’s clearly seen that the girl in these photos is definatelly Hange, but she can't recal any memory or any feeling about this, about the story the man infront of her – who claimed to be her lover – is saying. As if she is living in a body that is not hers, or even, Levi mistakes her to someone else that has identical face and figure as hers…
However, no matter how crazy things are happening upto now, she still decides to patiently listen to his words.
“That evening was in the second day of the itinerary, all passengers were having a buffet party in the main dining hall; most of them were careless and unprepared, they didn’t wear any life vest. Everyone just casually enjoyed the night, not even awared of a man smoking and throwing a still lit cigarette butt into the ship hold near the engine room and the cargoes caught fire. The inspector claimed that the ship was not regularly maintained so one of the degraded turbines over heated and exploded. Main deck was ablaze; there was a hole on the boat side and it was sinking fast. At that time, we were far away from land, so it took too long for the rescue to reach us. People got hectic, jostling and trampling over each other, but most were stuck inside the hall…”
Stopping there, he feels like there is a big lump in his throat, eyes beginning to fill up with tears. – “We are in a few survivals of that incident, but you couldn’t make it out intack, I only could pull you out when you were already unconcious…”
Hange knits her brows in contemplation, fingertip hovering above a selfie of the two. Levi and the girl-who-looks-like-her were wearing matching sweaters, one in moss color and the other in mauve with oposite-color patterns; they were hugging each other and cheerfully posing for the camera. Surrounding them were dozens of people who were also enjoying the feast in a luxurious decorated hall with a quartet playing on stage in the background.
“Only for one minute…” – He lowers his voice, holding back the pain. – “…only for one minute I was leaving for our room to get the box...” – Levi turns his left palm up, looking mindlessly at it, and then raises right hand slightly caressing the base of the ring finger of the other, as if there was a ring there. – “If only I had remembered to bring it along, I wouldn’t have been that late…”
The photo blurs with his moistened vision. Probably this was the night he is telling, the moment that, maybe he will never be able to forget, never stop regretting, never stop torturting himself, times and times again, for a fault that can't be undone…
Hange hurrily swipes to the next photo, it is a hospital record, with her name and some diagnostic images.
“You were in comatose state for really long due to lack of oxigen supply to the brain for prolonged time with low chance of recovery, even if waking up, the functional activity of the brain might still be heavily affected… I, I still held on to hope, that you could wake up one day. And… and on the day when all lights almost faded, the day I wanted to go to the sea and take you back, then… you finally… came back to me…” – There is a lopsided smile forming on his shaking lips and storming feelings swirling in the depth of the ashy hue irises. He must look up in order not to let the tears roll down. – “Admist the utmost joy of having you back, I realised that you might not have been entirely you anymore…”
Levi now buries his face in his hands, struggling to breathe normally. Hange, not knowing what to do, just mindlessly swipes to the next pictures, which are some online scentific articles about memory loss; most of them are about a special type, which is Retrograde Amnesia.
“You didn’t recognize me, you didn’t have any of the memories about me, about any thing that had happened in this recent 6 years. You live as if it was 6 years ago, as if all of recollections of this period were not only nonexistent but also had never occured… I remembered when the doctor had told me about possible complication of brain damage, including memory loss: it can be temporary or permanent, short term or long term, all depending on the area of the brain that has been irreversibly affected by the suffocation. I have done many researches about this with the hope of finding a way to bring your memories back, but it doesn’t seem promising so far…”
“So specifically, what is wrong with me?” - She cuts in, hand pressing on her temporals. The amount of information is overloading her senses, that she can't take in all at once. So, she decides to go straight to the important point.
“Your long-term memory, everything, ends at the point of 6 years ago, you can no longer form new permanent ones. And for short term recollections, they are reset after a cycle, sometimes of 3 days, some others of 7 days, the longest was 3 weeks; and there is no pattern for it…”
Hange scrutinizes at him, starting to question herself whether it is a good idea to believe in this man and his delusional story or whether she should report him to the police or mental asylum then turn him in and move on with her life. In the mean time, her fingers are still hovering above the touch screen. The rest of the folder all seems like landscape photos: pictures of sunsets, from the same spot, same direction, in many different days. There are ones with clear sky, some with heavy clouds, some even in snow, in rain… but all of them were taken from one angle and one location.
The place Hange saw Levi about to “hold the waves into his arm.”
Suddenly she feels a pang of guilt when thinking of that fragile silhouette.
“Every time you distant yourself from me, for example this morning, I texted you once and you blocked me right away, that’s when I know I must repeat the cycle…”
“So… how many time… have we gone through this…?” – She hesitates looking at him, then glances back down at the sunset photos: it takes a while to swipe to the final one.
“Ahh, you can take a guess… haha” – His laugh sounds so forced and painful. His hand finds something to do to distract himself from his own suffering: he stirs up the pot of soup that has been boiling for a while. – “You know… everyday, I always try my best to do something that may recall even a little bit of the memory we shared together. Because I have faith in you finally remember me.” - He clears his thoat, takes a sip from his warm cup of tea then goes on smiling. – “Sometimes it worked, but sometimes you blocked me immediately, and once you were so mad that you torn off all the papers and photos I had given. Ha ha… all plans from A to Z have been tested. Haha…”
“Levi…” – Hange calls him by his own name making him flinch. – “I am serious. How many times have you gone through days like today?”
Levi doesn’t answer right away, just opens his palm to her direction to signal her handing him her bowl. He carefully chooses things that she likes most, not forgetting to place some mint leaves on top. Hange looks at him, half with pity, half with a heart-wrenching sorrow. It may seem to her, that this is the first time they have met, but all these interactions, conversation, and emotions, to him she knows, they are an obsession, a ghost, a shackle, a thing that shadows him, weights him down rentlessly for really long time. She may not know how long, and she can't imagine to be in his place to know how they feel like…
“219…” – softly comes his voice.
“What…”
He grazes directly into her eyes, no longer hiding the excruciating suffering that is eating him alive inside.
“The accident… was one day before our 1000-day anniversary. And every time I wait for you at the beach, I always take a picture of the sunset that day…”
The feeling of those ashy-colored eyes looking at her, it’s so tender, yet so tormenting. The depth of that soul, although is full of everlasting love, it seems more like a burden to her: an invisible guilt, an unbearable responsibility.
Hange flusters turning away, hand quickly placing the phone back to his side of the table but accidentally touching the Home button. The home screen wallpaper appears: Levi sees that, his gaze returns to her face, waiting for any kind of reactions.
On the screen, there is a photo of him fully embracing her in his arms, they both happily smiling, holding a large glass bottle with a few artistic craft paper rolls inside. It looks like those handcrafted souvenirs she sells at home. But this one is significantly bigger than usual, and meticulously decorated with many cyan blue wave drawing patterns she normally uses. This might be a gift from her to him at some point, a memory she knows nothing about...
"You know, it was in our 2-year anniversary, and we had written many wishes in that bottle…” – Levi absentmindedly traces his thumb over the edge of the tea cup that’s no longer warm, eyes fixating on the shimmering ripples of the drink under yellow lights of the restaurant. – “I have always kept it…”
The conversation once again falls into silence. Although she can't recall none of the thing he said, after the story, along with the undeniable suffering expression on him, Hange realizes that her presence here, at this point of time, to the man in front of her, acts like that keepsake glass bottle, and both of them are still stuck in moment of the sinking boat in the middle of the sea. She is his past, and he refuses to let go of things that’s no longer meaningful to the present. He could have released the bottle and moved on with a totally new life, without her; a life without all these precious memories, but surely less painful and tiring than holding desperately on to an empty shell of the by-gone. That bottle may be able to keep him afloat but definitely can't move forwards, can't reach the shore; meanwhile his fragile body keeps being tortured by the agonizing cold of night sea and the utmost thirst to the depth of his soul, eventhough water is all around and waves are embosoming…
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The rest of the dinner happens only in the sound of cutleries and tablewares, filled in with background noises from other customers. Levi doesn’t know what else to tell, and Hange doesn’t push any further. Upto every last moment when he pays the bill and they both leave, the atmosphere between the two is so awkward and distant: no one says a word.
All the way he sees her home, from time to time, Hange silently turns to him and studies him for a long while, with no clear expression. She is still bothered by a thing but not knowing how to open to him.
After a bit of walking, the sound of the waves becomes audible, which also means her home is just around the corner. He stops at the same spot that he waited earlier; seeing so, she also pauses and stands facing him. Unconciously, once again, Levi raises his hands, about to pull her coat close, but the action ceases midway; feeling like the harsh reality has slapped him woken up, he puts his hands back to his pockets. Upon doing so, his face twists a bit, as if noticing something missing. He then sighs looking at her, gently says.
“The waves are rough today, it seems like winds are stronger than usual. Remember to stuff the door gap, ok? You always complained about howling winds keeping you awake… and be careful with the heater, don’t burn your blanket again, ok?”
“Levi-”
He stops from hearing the familiar sound, yet the words she says feels so alienated.
“I know that I have told you this afternoon, but… I truly think that you should not cling on to such unrealistic thing…”
He just draws a faint smile, the corner of his lips is shadowed, blending into the darkness of his face made backlit by the street lamp.
“In your set of keys, there is a strange one with number 2047 on it, that’s my apartment’s key. So, when you have some free time, you can just come over and hang around, ok? I have many things to show you…”
Hange slightly nods as a response, then says goodbye walking away. After a distance, she pulls out her phone in the purse to unblock his number. Before the seaside street is fully out of vision, she turns around to look back in his direction, where there is still lingering a small lonesome silhouette, standing under the dead cold light of the street lamp in a long winter night.
⌘ -- ⌘ -- ⌘
널 바라보고 있어
[I am drowing in your presence]
헤아릴 수 없는 너를, yeah
[Yet I could never phatom you, yeah]
긴 파도 소릴 난 가만히 듣다
[The sound of waves rolling in from far far away]
감은 그 두 눈 위에 입을 맞췄네
[Gently places a soft kiss on your eyes…]
The music out of no where startles her; she perplexes seaching for the source of it. Suddenly she sees there is light from her coat pocket, she dives in and fishes out a phone.
It’s Levi’s.
And there is an oncoming call from “Home”
“Hello?”
“Ahh, that’s great! I know you are keeping it, haha.” – Levi exclaims, casually taking the table phone to his bed and plops down, not forgetting to make sure the wire is long enough. – “I went back to the restaurant for my phone but it wasn’t there so I guess you took it home already, haha!”
“Oh, I am so so sorry, maybe when we left, I was absent-minded and mistook your phone. I am truly sorry! Tomorrow, tomorrow are you free? I will give it back to you, is that alright?”
“It’s Sunday tomorrow, can I come over to help you with the shop?”
“Huh? Uhhh…”
“Deal! It’s getting late, you should go to bed now. Sweetdream, Four-eyes…”
Without letting her reply any further, he hangs up the call. Sprawling on bed, looking up the ceiling, he feels empty once again. As he remembers something, Levi bounces back up, tears out a piece of square paper, only the half the size of his palm, from a notebook on the desk, writes some words in and carefully fold it into a boat shape origami. Outside, he labels it 993. Done, he walks over to the bookshelf at the corner of the room, where there always is a a meticulously decorated glass bottle. Removing the tight cork, he gently puts the little paper boat inside, together with many many other boats and some bigger craft paper rolls, then diligently closes it, places the container back to its original stance.
He unconciously forms a smile. An empty one.
⌘ -- ⌘ -- ⌘
-End of part one-