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Dear diary,
I’m scared. I know the worst thing is the sin and that God knows of it already, but I’m more scared of what Mom and Dad will say. I can’t tell them. I can’t let them find out. So I will have to change before they ever need to know.
The good thing is that even if they find this book, they won’t be able to read it. I suppose I’m lucky I chose to take German and not Spanish.
I hate keeping secrets. I feel dirty.
Dear diary,
We got a new seating arrangement in Math and Ryan is next to me. I had forgotten my pencils, so he lent me one. It was pink, but I took it anyway. It matched his sweater. I feel like I should tell him that everyone makes fun of him for how he dresses and acts, but he must know that already? It’s not like people are quiet about what they think about him. He looks at me a lot. I want him to stop. I want to stop looking back at him.
Mom came in while I was writing this. I told her it was my German homework, and I think she believed me. I will still make sure to hide this book tomorrow while I’m at school though.
Dear diary,
I have been praying ever since I came home from school two hours ago. The prayers I’ve offered Him every night are not enough to make this stop, so I will pray however much it takes.
Ryan joined the Exy team today, and I didn’t find out about it until he said “Hey” to me in the locker room. I was a bit startled but said “Hi” back and started changing. He took the locker next to me, so it took me a few minutes to realize that no one else was changing. Later on the court Michael came up to me to say that I shouldn’t change in front of Ryan either.
I know Michael is right. I felt my eyes straying in that locker room, and it was like I couldn’t stop myself from thinking about how Ryan was undressing next to me. It’s not like we have that much time before practice to change, though, so I don’t really have a choice.
I will keep praying for forgiveness and for God to guide my eyes so that they won’t stray.
Dear diary,
Dad wants me to come to church with him this Sunday. He found out about how much I’ve been praying, and I think he believes it’s a good thing. I can’t tell him how it’s not.
Ryan tried to talk to me in Math today, but I have promised God and myself that I will not talk to him. I think he’s lonely. He doesn’t seem to have any friends, but that’s what happens when you let the devil and worldly influences in.
I have been spending more time with my Bible study group these past few days. They should be a better influence.
Dear diary,
I just got back from church with Dad. I had almost looked forward to it, because I think this path is the right one for me. But then Ryan was there. What right did he have to be there? Everyone knows he doesn’t live in God’s presence. What’s worse is that he kept distracting me from what I was meant to be doing, just by being there.
On the drive home, I considered telling Dad about Ryan. Instead I told him a kid at school had come to me with the question of what to do about sinful thoughts. Dad said it was a good thing that my peers looked to me for spiritual guidance. He said that everyone can have sinful thoughts, but what is important is that we remember the sin, stop that thought and confess to God. I have already done those things.
Maybe Ryan can still be saved. I will tell him what Dad said.
Dear diary,
We lost our game today, which sucked. Mom still told me I was good and did my best, but it was Dad I wanted to see me play well. He didn’t say anything.
Ryan waved at me while I was standing with them after the game, though, so they asked me who he was. I tried to shrug them off but for some reason they kept asking, even when I’d said he was on the team and in church and next to me in Math. Then they asked me if he was a friend. I said he didn’t have any friends. That he was a bad influence. Then they stopped asking.
I hate him. I know Jesus said to love everyone, even the sinner, but even him? He’s doing bad things to me.
Dear diary,
Today Ryan went too far. He kept trying to talk to me during Math, and I ignored him. Then he tried to talk to me again at practice, so finally, when everyone else was going to the locker room, I told him what Dad said after church. He went really silent and then he smirked, and when he did, I think I saw the devil. I walked away before he could say anything.
I think I’ll ask to change seats in Math tomorrow.
Dear diary,
We had a substitute teacher in Math, so I didn’t ask for a new seat. When I sat down next to Ryan, he asked, “Is that what you do?”. I asked what he meant, and he asked if I confessed my sinful thoughts to God. At first, I wanted to tell him to shut it, but then I remembered Dad saying that everyone had sinful thoughts, so I said “Yes”. It wasn’t a lie.
But then he asked, “Are your sinful thoughts like mine?”
How did he know that?
I kind of freaked out. I said “No” really loudly and the substitute scolded me for interrupting her. I used that as an excuse not to talk to Ryan for the rest of class, but I still couldn’t focus on my work. I kept thinking that if Ryan could tell just by looking at me, so could everyone else. In fact, if everyone can tell that about Ryan by just looking at him, why wouldn’t they be able to tell just by looking at me?
I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it all day. He kept looking at me during practice and I needed him to stop, so I pulled him aside when everyone was walking out to change to talk to him.
I asked him why he thought that. I said we weren’t the same at all. He raised his eyebrows, like he didn’t believe me. Then he said he wouldn’t tell anyone. That I could talk to him about it if I wanted to. I said there was nothing I wanted less and left.
But he seems to be able to tell when I’m lying.
Dear diary,
I can’t stop thinking about him. It’s the devil trying to worm his way into my life, and even though I pray and pray I can’t stop him.
Reminder to self: Leviticus 20:13. Read every day.
Dear diary,
I gave in to temptation.
I just wanted to ask Ryan how he deals with it because it feels like I’m breaking apart. I told him during Math to meet me under the bleachers after practice.
I kissed him. I have confessed to God already but it doesn’t feel like enough. I leaned in first.
I swear I will never talk to him again. I will never think about him again.
Dear diary,
I feel like everyone can tell just by looking at me. They probably think he has infected me, and maybe he has. But I was willing, and this is what scares me most. I thought I could ignore this until it went away, but these thoughts won’t leave me alone.
I think I’m gay.
Dear diary,
I can’t live like this anymore. Every day I see the devil next to me in class and at practice. Every night I confess my sins to God and I pray and nothing changes. I want HELP. I want to BE SAVED. I want someone to HEAR ME.
I keep thinking about how Mom and Dad would react if I did tell them. Sometimes Dad preaches about the sin of homosexuality. I know he wouldn’t want his son to go to Hell, so he could probably help me fix this. Mom would be disappointed, but she always tells me she loves me. I think she’ll understand when I tell her I just want help. I just want to be fixed.
Tomorrow, I'll tell them. I don’t want to live a lie anymore.
Dear diary,
I should burn this book.
Mom is still in her bedroom crying. At least she’s also praying for me. Dad is still on the phone making arrangements.
At least they want me to be saved.
I don’t know why I’m crying.