Chapter Text
Lee Sangwon has only ever liked one person.
It started on the first day of second grade, when a boy slid into the seat beside him in recess. "I'm Lee Leo," he announced, though Sangwon definitely did not ask. "I like dinosaurs and my favourite game at recess is tag. I’m in third. I moved here from Sydney. It’s in Australia. What's your name?"
Sangwon, used to being invisible, just stared at him and at the way he was smiling like Sangwon was the most interesting person he'd ever met. "Lee Sangwon. Second," he managed, and Leo grinned.
"Cool. Lee Sangwon. We have the same last name! Which means we should be friends! Do you want to be friends?"
It was that simple for Leo. Nothing was ever that simple in Sangwon's entire eight years of life. But he said yes.
That changed the trajectory of his life forever.
On the playground, Leo taught him how to swing properly. "You're doing it wrong," he said, "you have to lean back and kick your feet forward. Like this." He climbed onto the swing next to Sangwon, leaned back until his body went rigid, and then his legs shot out, arcing him high into the air, again and again.
Sangwon watched. He'd never seen anyone look so free. Leo jumped off mid-swing, landing in a puff of dust. "Your turn." Sangwon tried and failed, his face burning, but Leo just grinned.
"Silly. Watch me again." And he did. He watched Leo for the rest of that recess. And the next day. And the day after that.
📍
By fifth grade, Sangwon watched as Leo chased his older friends across the field, watching the way his head tilted back when he laughed, the way he tripped over his own feet and just got back up, still laughing.
When Leo ran over to him, calling him over to play with the others, Sangwon couldn’t help himself. “You won’t forget me, will you, hyung?”
“Hm?”
“When you’re in middle school.” Sangwon kicked at the dirt, unable to look up. "You'll be in seventh grade next year and I'll still be here in sixth, and you'll make all these new friends and probably forget you ever knew me."
Leo stared at him for a second, and then he laughed like Sangwon had said something ridiculous. "Are you stupid or something?" He reached out and flicked Sangwon's forehead, gentle. "You're my friend. How could I forget you?"
"Promise?"
"I just said so, didn't I?" Leo rolled his eyes, but he was smiling. "We'll still hang out after school. It's just middle school, Wonnie. It's not like I'm moving to another planet."
He didn't have words for why it mattered so much. "Okay," Sangwon said quietly. He just didn’t want to be left behind by Leo.
Leo grinned and threw an arm around his shoulder, "okay? Now stop being weird and come play."
With his body pressed next to Leo, his heart did something way too big for his chest. He didn't have a name for it yet. But it was already too late.
📍
The first year of middle school was annoying, and Sangwon learned to hide. He wasn’t the loudest kid, nor the most sociable, and Leo had his own friends to worry about. He and Leo would pass in the hallways, and Leo always waved, because Leo waved at everyone, because Leo was the kind of person who made everyone feel seen without ever really seeing anyone at all.
Sometimes, he would stop by with his older friends and say, “Wonnie-yah! We should hang out more. Like old times."
Sangwon's heart would always slam against his ribs. "Yeah. Sure."
"I'll text you." Leo often didn’t. He wouldn’t know his new phone number until two months after Sangwon had changed it. But Sangwon would hold the memory close to his chest anyway.
📍
Leo got into volleyball. Started talking to Sangwon again.
Maybe, Sangwon thought as he looked at Leo digging the convenience store refrigerator for his favourite popsicle stick, I’m suddenly cool enough for him again.
His heart skipped faster. He didn’t know why.
📍
The end of seventh grade is when Sangwon met Kim Geonwoo for the first time.
He was waiting outside the gymnasium like he did most days after practice, sitting on the steps with his backpack between his feet, pretending to study but really just watching the door. Leo had promised he'd still hang out after school, and he'd kept that promise most of the time. They still walked home together sometimes, still texted, still existed in each other's lives. But Leo had volleyball now, and volleyball meant new friends, new routines, new everything.
The gym doors banged open and Leo emerged, his hair stuck to his forehead. "Won! Hey, you waited!"
Sangwon shrugged, playing it cool. "Wasn't doing anything anyway."
Leo jogged over, and behind him came another boy. "Oh!" Leo smiled. "Won-ah, this is Geonwoo. Kim Geonwoo. We're on the team together. He's in your grade — you guys should get to know each other."
Geonwoo tilted his head, studying Sangwon with an unreadable expression. "Hi."
"Hi," Sangwon said.
"Geonwoo's really good," Leo continued, "terrifyingly good. He's gonna be our ace someday, I can already tell." He grinned at Geonwoo, his voice proud, admiring and warm in a way that made Sangwon's stomach clench. "We're gonna win everything this year."
Geonwoo smiled and Sangwon thought, oh, he’s handsome. "We'll try."
"Try? We'll destroy everyone." Leo laughed and threw an arm around Geonwoo's shoulders the same way he used to throw an arm around Sangwon's. "Come on, let's get food. Sangwon, you're coming, right? My treat."
Sangwon nodded, because what else could he say? No to hanging out with Leo for longer?
📍
The thing about Geonwoo, Sangwon would learn over the months that followed, was that he didn't do anything halfway.
He didn't become Sangwon's friend quickly or easily. It just kind of happened in the ways where they would sit next to each other at the convenience store while Leo loaded up on snacks. Geonwoo would show up beside him outside the gym when Leo was running late. Once, when Sangwon's phone died and he had no way to tell Leo where he was, Geonwoo just wordlessly handed him his own phone and said, "text hyung. He'll worry."
"He doesn't worry," Sangwon said.
Geonwoo looked at him for a long moment. "He does. Why would he not worry about you?"
He just took the phone and texted Leo and handed it back. "Thanks."
📍
By the time they were in eighth, something had shifted.
They still weren't close friends the way Leo was close friends with everyone, but they were something. Geonwoo would save him a seat in the library sometimes, not asking if Sangwon wanted to sit there, just leaving his bag on the chair next to him until Sangwon showed up. He'd text Sangwon when practice ran late, usually just a single word late so Sangwon wouldn't wait outside the gym forever.
But then, there was a time when some older kids were being annoying in the hallway, Geonwoo just appeared beside him, and defended him.
Suddenly the older kids weren't looking at Sangwon like he was a piece of meat anymore.
"Why do you do that?" Sangwon asked him later.
"Do what?"
"Help me."
Geonwoo shrugged. "You're Leo-hyung's friend."
"And?"
"And Leo-hyung's my friend." He said it like it was obvious, like Sangwon should understand. "So you're my friend too."
Sangwon didn't know what to say to that. It was strange. It was warm. It made his chest feel weird in a completely different way than Leo made his chest feel weird. Like he’d made his first real friend for once that wasn’t Leo. "Okay," Sangwon said finally.
Geonwoo grinned. "Cool."
After that, Geonwoo had slowly become something Sangwon hadn't known he needed. They were in the same grade, so they had classes together, and Geonwoo would just... appear. Walk with him between buildings. Sit with him at lunch. Text him at night, not about anything important — just links to songs or photos or updates like home or tired or i hate doing drills omfg.
Sangwon had finally made his first friend that wasn’t Leo.
📍
In his first week of ninth grade, Leo burst into Sangwon's room like he owned the place, which, honestly, he basically did at this point. He'd been coming over since they were eight, Sangwon's mum still called him her second son, and the door to Sangwon's room had long ago lost the right to privacy where Leo was concerned.
"I think I met an angel," Leo announced, flinging himself onto Sangwon's bed and narrowly missing Geonwoo's legs.
Sangwon, who had been sitting on the floor with his back against the bed, looked up. "What?"
"An angel." Leo pressed a hand to his heart, staring at the ceiling like he was still seeing something none of them could. "His name is Zhang Jiahao. He's in my art class. I think I’m in love."
Geonwoo raised an eyebrow. "Your class? You started high school like three days ago."
"I know."
"How are you already in love?!"
"I don't know! He just — " Leo sat up, gesturing wildly. "First day, right? I walk in, late because I couldn't find the room, and I'm standing in the doorway all embarrassed, and I look up, and there he is. Sitting by the window. The light was hitting him perfectly and he was just — " He made a sound like all the air leaving his body. "Drawing. Just drawing like it was nothing. Like he didn't just ruin me forever."
Sangwon's fingers went still against the carpet. "You don’t even know him."
"I don’t have to. I took one look at him and I just — " Leo pressed both hands to his chest. "Something happened. Here. I don't know what, but it happened, and now I can't think about anything else."
Geonwoo snorted. "Love at first sight." It sounded very sarcastic.
"It is!” Leo ignored Geonwoo’s undertones. “I didn't believe in it either until I walked into class and saw a boy drawing by a window."
Sangwon kept his face very still. "That's dramatic."
"I'm aware." Leo grinned, but it was softer than usual, almost helpless. "But have you seen him? No. You haven't. If you had, you'd understand. He's got this sharp face, really intense eyes, and his hands — he got charcoal on them and he was drawing and I just stood there in the doorway like an idiot until the teacher told me to sit down."
"Did he notice you?" Geonwoo asked.
"No. That's the worst part. He just kept drawing." Leo flopped back onto the bed. "I sat in my seat and stared at the back of his head for an hour. Best hour of my life."
Sangwon watched Leo's face — a dreamy smile, faraway eyes, the way he kept touching his own chest like he could still feel whatever had happened there. He'd never seen Leo like this. He'd seen Leo excited, seen Leo happy, seen Leo bouncing off walls with energy. But this was different. This was quiet and wondering and completely, utterly gone. "Has he talked to you yet?" Sangwon asked.
"Today." Leo's voice went reverent. "We had to partner up for an exercise and he just looked at me and said want to work together? like it was nothing. Like I wasn't having a full heart attack in my chair."
Geonwoo laughed. "What did you say?"
"I don't know. I blacked out. Next thing I remember, we were sitting together and our fingers were brushing and I think I died."
Sangwon forced a small smile. "Sounds intense."
"He showed me how to draw shadows and stuff. His hand was on mine for maybe three seconds. I haven't washed that hand since."
"That's literally disgusting," Geonwoo said.
"It's romantic. It’s only been four hours.”
"It's unhygienic."
They kept bickering. Sangwon sat on the floor and listened, and something inside him went very quiet. He'd never once imagined Leo looking at someone the way he was looking at the ceiling right now, soft and wondering and completely, utterly gone.
He'd never imagined Leo loving anyone back.
Because Leo had never loved anyone back. Leo loved everyone — loved easily, loudly, indiscriminately — but he'd never loved loved. Not like this. Not with that look in his eyes.
Sangwon had been waiting for years for Leo to look at him like that. He was starting to agree with himself that Leo might never look at anyone like that — except now he was, and it wasn't at Sangwon.
"I'm happy for you," Sangwon heard himself say. His voice sounded normal. That was good.
Leo sat up, beaming. "You think I have a chance?"
"I don't know, hyung. I haven’t seen this guy yet. But you seem really happy." He’d be a fool not to love you, he wanted to say.
"I am." Leo pressed his hand to his chest again. "I didn't even know this feeling existed. Like, I've had crushes before, but this is different. This is like — " He struggled for words. "Like the first time you see the ocean. You know? You've heard about it, you've seen pictures, but then you're actually there and it's so much bigger than you ever imagined."
Sangwon nodded. He knew exactly what that felt like. He'd felt it the first time Leo smiled at him on the playground. "That's great, hyung," he said.
📍
Later, after Leo had finally run out of energy and gone home, Geonwoo lingered in the doorway. "You okay?" he asked.
Sangwon nodded. "Yeah. Why wouldn't I be?"
Geonwoo looked at him for a long moment. "No reason. You know you can tell me if you're not, right?"
"I know."
"Okay." Geonwoo stepped into the hallway, then stopped. "He's probably wrong about the guy. Love at first sight isn't real. It's just infatuation. It'll pass."
Sangwon shook his head. "It won't."
"How do you know?"
He just shrugged. Because I’ve never seen him like this. "I don't. Just a feeling."
Geonwoo nodded slowly, like he understood more than he was saying. "Well. Either way. Tell me if you’re not okay."
And then he left, and Sangwon sat alone in his room with the ceiling Leo had been staring at while he talked about someone else, and he thought about all the years he'd spent waiting for something that was never going to happen.
He thought about Zhang Jiahao, whoever he was, with his sharp face and his intense eyes.
He thought about Leo, in love for the first time, with someone who would eventually love him back because who in their right mind wouldn’t.
He thought about the playground, years ago, a boy on a swing saying watch me again.
And then he laid down on his bed, pressed his face into his pillow, and cried for the first time in a very long time.
📍
When he meets Zhang Jiahao for the first time, he’s in his first year of high school.
He meets Zhou Anxin along with him.
"You must be Sangwon," Jiahao said, standing up. "Leo talks about you all the time. Thanks for coming."
Sangwon blinked. Then he bows as a greeting. The two boys bow back. "You asked for me?"
"Yeah. Well." Jiahao glanced at the other boy, and something in his expression softened. "This is my close friend, Zhou Anxin. He just transferred to Korea and he's struggling with practically everything but mostly Maths. Leo said you're basically a genius at it. He’s a year younger than you, and I was hoping you might tutor him?"
Sangwon's gaze shifted to Anxin. Anxin, who was looking at him with those curved eyes, that small smile. "If you don't mind," Anxin said. His voice was soft. Gentle.
"I don't mind," Sangwon heard himself say.
Jiahao smiled — that smile Leo talked about, the one that ruined him — and Sangwon felt absolutely nothing. No heart-stopping moment. Just a vague awareness that yes, this boy was attractive, and yes, Sangwon understood why Leo was gone.
"Great," Jiahao said. "Anxin, I'll leave you with him. Text me when you're done?" He ruffled Anxin's hair and then he was gone, and Sangwon was alone with a boy who was looking at him expectantly.
"So," Anxin said. "Maths?"
Sangwon sat down. "Yeah," he said. "Maths."
📍
An hour later, Sangwon had learned three things about Zhou Anxin.
One — he was genuinely bad at math. Not in a cute, helpless way — in a way that suggested he'd given up on the subject years ago and was now paying the price.
Two — he laughed easily. Small laughs, quiet laughs, large laughs, ones that would require him to move his entire body. He laughed when Sangwon made a dumb joke about algebra. He laughed when he got a problem wrong for the fifth time. He laughed when Sangwon accidentally knocked his pencil off the table and they both ducked to grab it at the same time, bumping heads in the process. He’d laugh and point and cover his mouth in such a way that made Sangwon laugh along with him.
Three — he kept looking at Sangwon. Not in a weird way — just glancing up from his notebook every few minutes, like he was checking something. Like he was making sure Sangwon was still there.
"You're staring," Sangwon said finally, not looking up from the problem he was explaining.
Anxin went red. "I'm not."
"You are."
"It's just — " Anxin stopped. Started again. "You're really patient with me."
Sangwon looked up. Anxin's face was pink as his eyes darted away. "Of course," he said again. “You’re not going to learn if I just force the topic on you without being patient, right?”
Anxin's eyes met his. Held the gaze. "Yeah," he breathed, like something had just clicked into place inside him.
Sangwon didn't know what it meant.
📍
Sangwon has a shadow following him now.
The shadow in question was named Zhou Anxin.
He appeared everywhere. The library, three rows behind Sangwon's usual table. The hallway between chemistry and history, leaning against the lockers like he had somewhere to be, except his eyes always found Sangwon first.
At first, Sangwon thought he was imagining it. They went to the same school now, since Anxin was in his first year of high school and Sangwon was in his second. It made sense they'd cross paths.
But then it kept happening. And happening. And happening.
Sangwon would turn a corner, and there Anxin would be, walking the opposite direction, pretending to be surprised. Sangwon would sit in the library after school, and ten minutes later Anxin would wander in with a textbook he never opened, settling into a seat where he could watch Sangwon without being obvious about it.
Except he was obvious.
So, so obvious.
It should have been annoying. It should have been creepy. Mildly stalkerish.
Instead, it was kind of… cute? In a way Sangwon would never admit to anyone. Not even on his deathbed.
📍
"He's doing it again," Geonwoo said flatly, not looking up from his lunch.
Sangwon didn't ask who. He already knew.
Three tables over, Anxin was sitting with Jiahao and their friend He Xinlong, laughing at something, except his eyes kept sliding sideways. Toward Sangwon. Toward their table. Toward —
"Stop looking," Sangwon muttered.
"You stop looking." Geonwoo took a bite of his rice. "Why would I look at their table? He Xinlong’s on that table. I hate him."
"I'm not looking."
"You've looked like, four times. I counted."
Sangwon forced his gaze down to his own food. He forced his eyes to not look up, as much as he wanted to. "He's just... there."
"He's always there. That's the point." Geonwoo's voice was dry. "He has a crush on you, Sangwon. A massive, obvious, embarrassing crush. It's like watching a puppy follow someone who keeps pretending not to notice."
"He doesn't have a — "
"He followed you to the bathroom last week. The bathroom, Won.”
Sangwon's face felt hot. "That could have been a coincidence."
"He was outside. Pacing."
"... maybe he was doing his daily exercise."
"He's been trying to get you to tutor him three days a week. He doesn't even need tutoring for Maths anymore. He showed me his quiz last time and it was an A. He even bragged to me that you ruffled his hair after."
Sangwon didn't have an answer for that.
📍
One afternoon, Sangwon was sitting in the council room, alone for once. Anxin hadn't appeared yet, which was unusual enough to be noticeable. Sangwon caught himself glancing at the door every few minutes, waiting.
This is ridiculous, he thought. I'm waiting for someone who's waiting for me. We're both just... waiting.
The door opened. Sangwon's heart did something stupid.
It wasn't Anxin. It was Leo.
"Hey!" Leo dropped into the seat across from him, all energy and smiles. "Haven't seen you in a few days. You okay?"
Sangwon nodded, forcing a smile. "Yeah. Busy."
"Council stuff. You’re running for prez, right? That’s why you're always busy." Leo leaned back, stretching. “I’m busy, too. With volleyball and Hao and life. He’s just so…” He made a gesture, hands flailing, face going soft. "You know. Him."
Sangwon knew. He'd always known. "He's great," he said. The words came automatically. They'd been coming automatically for months.
"He really is." Leo grinned.
They talked for a while longer — about nothing, about everything. Sangwon listened the way he always did, nodding in the right places, smiling when he was supposed to. It was familiar. Comfortable. Painful. When Leo finally left, waving over his shoulder, Sangwon sat alone in the sudden quiet.
The door opened again. Anxin.
He froze in the doorway, clearly not expecting Sangwon to still be there. His face went through a rapid series of expressions — surprise, panic, determination — before settling into something that was trying very hard to look casual. "Oh," Anxin said. "Hi. I was just — " He gestured vaguely. "Looking for a book."
Sangwon looked at the shelves behind him. They were empty. "We're in the student council room."
"I know that." Anxin's ears went red. "I meant — the library. I was looking for a book in the library. Which is next door. And I got confused." He paused. "I get confused a lot."
Sangwon should have let him off the hook. Should have nodded and gone back to his work and pretended not to notice the way Anxin's eyes kept darting toward him. Instead, he said, "you've been following me."
Anxin's face turned red. "What? No. I haven't. That's — that's crazy. Why would I — " He stopped. Swallowed. "I mean. I haven't. I wouldn’t.”
"For a good month."
"I — "
"The bathroom, Xin. Really?"
Anxin looked like he wanted the floor to open up and swallow him whole. "That was — I was just — there's a bench. It's a nice bench. I like benches."
Sangwon stared at him. Anxin stared back. And then, despite everything, despite the complicated mess in his chest, Sangwon felt his mouth twitch and he couldn’t help but giggle. And when the dam broke, he couldn’t stop. "You're terrible at this," he managed to let out.
Anxin's expression was unreadable. He was probably taking it all in, the way Sangwon was laughing right now. "I know." His voice was small. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. I just — " He took a breath, visibly gathering himself. "I'll stop. I'll leave you alone. I'm sorry."
He turned to go.
"Anxin."
Anxin stopped. Didn't turn around. Sangwon looked at his back — at the way his shoulders were tensed, at the way his hands were shoved in his pockets. "I'm not uncomfortable," he said quietly.
Anxin turned slowly. His eyes were wide, hopeful, terrified. "You're not?"
Sangwon shook his head. They looked at each other across the room. The afternoon light was golden, filtering through the window, catching in Anxin's hair. "I don't know what I'm doing," he admitted. It was the most honest thing he'd said in months. "I’m really grateful to you. And how much you like me, whether that’s romantic or platonic or whatever. There’s just… there's someone — " He stopped. Started again. "I've liked someone for a long time. A really long time. And he doesn't — " Another stop. "It's not going to happen. I know it's not going to happen. But I don't know how to stop. I don't know how to just... move on."
"I'm not asking you to move on," Anxin said finally after a series of quiet. "I'm not asking for anything." He hesitated. "I… I really like you. And I like being near you. That's all. You don't have to do anything with that. I just wanted you to know."
Anxin grinned, loud and wide. Like he didn't just turn Sangwon's entire world inside out.
I really like you.
I like being near you.
Such a simple thing.
I just wanted you to know.
Such a small, unassuming confession.
Sangwon thought about Leo, who had never once said anything like that. Who had never looked at him the way Anxin was looking at him now. "I don't mind," Sangwon said. "You being near me. And also, thank you. For your confession. I don't know if I can reciprocate yet."
Anxin's smile didn't fade, but it softened into something more fragile. "Oh."
"I'm not saying no." Sangwon's voice came out rougher than he intended. "I'm not trying to hurt you."
"I know." Anxin's voice was soft.
They sat in silence for a moment. The afternoon light shifted, gold deepening toward orange. "Can I still be near you?" Anxin asked quietly. "Even if you don't know yet? Even if you might never — "
"Yes." The word came out before Sangwon could think about it. "I want you to. I don't know what this is, or what it could be, but I — " He struggled for words. "You can stay.”
Anxin's face lit up like the sun. "Really?"
"Really."
Anxin beamed — a real smile, bright and unguarded, the kind Sangwon had only seen glimpses of before. It was like watching someone turn on a light. "Okay," Anxin said. "Okay. Good. That's — okay." He was already backing toward the door, still smiling. "I'm going to go now. Before I say something stupid. But I'll — I'll see you around?"
Sangwon nodded. "Yeah. Just don’t follow me to the washroom again."
Anxin cackled, back to his fun self, “sorry about that, Wonnie-hyung,” and left, practically floating. The door closed behind him.
Sangwon sat alone in the council room, the golden light still warm on his skin, and thought about the way Anxin had smiled. Thought about the way it made him feel — warm, maybe. Hopeful. Like something was possible.
He still loved Leo. That wasn't going away overnight.
But for the first time in years, he wasn't thinking about Leo. He was thinking about Anxin. About the way his laugh sounded like bells. About the way his eyes curved when he smiled. About the way he'd looked at Sangwon, that first day in the study room, like Sangwon was someone worth looking at.
📍
Leo was on a date right now.
He’d finally got the balls to ask Jiahao on a date. Sangwon was now in his third year of high school, which meant Leo had been crushing on Jiahao for three years. But those numbers could not compare to how long Sangwon had been loving Leo in secret.
Leo was on a date with Jiahao, at some art store that Jiahao had been talking about for weeks. Then at Haidilao, which was Leo’s favourite restaurant and apparently also Jiahao’s.
Leo had texted him earlier, privately, wish me luck!!! i'm gonna try not to be weird!! And Sangwon texted back, luck. you'll be fine, don’t stress, because that's what you say to your best friend when he's about to go on a date with the person he's in love with.
"You're doing it again."
Sangwon blinked back to reality. Anxin, in the middle of the chaotic arcade, was standing in front of him, holding a stack of tokens, his eyebrows drawn together in that way that meant he was worried but trying not to show it.
"Doing what?"
"That thing where you zone out." Anxin pressed the tokens into his hands. "Come on. I'm going to destroy you at this… rhythm game. Whatever this is."
"You've obviously never played this game in your life."
"It’s alright. I have amazing instincts."
"You almost broke Dance Dance Revolution."
"It couldn’t handle my moves, what can I say." Anxin grabbed his wrist and pulled. "C’mon, hyung. We're here to have fun."
Sangwon let himself be pulled. Anxin's hand was warm around his wrist, his energy infectious despite everything. It was hard to stay inside his own head when Anxin was literally dragging him through an arcade, chattering about strategies he definitely didn't have and predicting victories that were absolutely not going to happen.
They played a VR zombie shooter. Anxin screamed so loudly at fake zombies and dropped his gun that it made Sangwon cackle. Actually cackle loudly, at the way Anxin screeched right next to his ear. "Stop laughing, hyung," Anxin whined, but he was grinning. "That was terrifying. It came out of nowhere."
"It's a zombie game. That's what they do."
"I know! I can still be fucking terrified!"
Sangwon was still laughing. He took off his headset and was still laughing. He hadn’t laughed so hard in a while. It felt strange on his face, like a muscle he hadn't used in a while.
Anxin was watching him with something soft in his eyes.
"What?" Sangwon asked.
"Nothing." Anxin looked away quickly.
jiahao's potential boyfriend™ + assistants
leo-hyungie 🌻
GUYDSDTDT
Me
leo-hyung pay attention to your date!
leo-hyungie 🌻changed the group chat name to ‘I DID IT HOLY FUCKING SHIT’
leo-hyungie 🌻
HE SAID YES WEFOWEUFHOWFIUWEHF
HE SAID HE LIKED ME BACK AND HE AGREED TO BE MY BOYFRIEND
xinlong
!!!!
sanghyeonie 🪐
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
geonwoo-jjang ⭐️
YESSSSS KNEW IT KNEW IT
Me
congrats hyungie!
They ended up at a row of claw machines, mostly because Anxin had decided he needed to win a specific plushie — a ridiculous-looking cat with weird eyes — and was now on his eighth attempt to grab it.
"This machine is broken," Anxin announced, glaring at the claw as it dropped harmlessly past the cat for the eighth time.
"These are always rigged."
"Nuh-uh, I am a claw machine God. I always win them."
"You've lost like, eight times."
“You’re going to eat those words when I get this, hyung.”
Sangwon watched him feed another token into the machine. Watched the concentration on his face, the way his tongue poked out slightly when he was focusing, the way his whole body tensed as he maneuvered the claw.
He was cute. That was the word. Cute, in a way that made Sangwon want to keep looking at him.
The claw dropped. Missed. Anxin made a sound of pure devastation. "I hate this fucking machine," he declared.
Sangwon laughed again. It was becoming a habit around Anxin. “I told you they’re rigged. Rigged up so you’d lose everytime.”
Anxin turned to him, defeated, and that's when his expression shifted. That soft, searching look he got sometimes. "Hyung, I didn’t want to ask, but I’m a curious boy," Anxin said carefully. "The date."
Sangwon's smile faded.
"I'm not trying to pry," Anxin added quickly. "I just — you've been distracted all night. And I know tonight's the night he's with — " He gestured vaguely. "Jiahao-ge. And they’re dating now.”
He looked away. The arcade noise seemed louder suddenly, more overwhelming.
"You don't have to talk about it," Anxin said. "I just wanted you to know I… think I know. Who you’re stuck on. And I'm here. That's all."
Sangwon stared at a machine across the aisle, some racing game with flashing lights. A family was crowded around it, a dad and two kids, all laughing. "He's my best friend," he said quietly. "He's been my best friend since I was eight years old. And I've loved him for — " His throat tightened. "For most of that time. I don't even remember when it started. It was just always there. Like breathing."
The words felt strange coming out. He'd never said them out loud before. Not to anyone. Not like this.
It almost felt wrong, saying it to Anxin. Because Anxin had always poured out his heart to him, and here he was, confessing his love for a guy that wasn’t him.
"He doesn't know," Sangwon continued. "He's never known. And he never will, because he's in love with Jiahao-hyung, and Hao-hyung is — " He stopped. Swallowed. "Hao-hyung is good for him. Makes him happy. The way he should be happy."
Anxin was quiet for a long moment. "The guy you like," he said slowly. "Is Leo-hyung." It wasn't a question.
Sangwon nodded.
More silence. The arcade hummed around them.
"Okay," Anxin said.
Sangwon looked at him. Anxin's face was calm, steady, nothing like the hurt Sangwon had been bracing for
"Okay?" Sangwon repeated.
"Okay." Anxin shrugged, a small movement. "I mean, it makes sense. The way you look at him. The way you've always looked at him. I'm not blind or stupid or slow, hyung."
"You never said anything."
"Wasn't my place." Anxin's voice was soft. "And I figured if you wanted me to know, you'd tell me."
Sangwon stared at him. At this boy who had followed him around for years, who had waited and hoped and been patient beyond all reason. Who was standing here now, in a noisy arcade, having just heard that the person he liked was in love with someone else. "You're not mad?" He asked.
"Mad?" Anxin tilted his head. "Why would I be mad?"
"Because I — " Sangwon gestured vaguely. He couldn’t say because you like me, right? "Because of everything. Because I've been — "
"You've been honest with me from the start." Anxin's voice was firm. "You told me there was someone. You told me you didn't know what you felt. You never lied to me, hyung. Not once."
"But — "
"Yeah, it hurts." Anxin's voice cracked slightly. "Hurts like a bitch, I’m not going to lie. Not going to pretend it doesn't. Hearing you say it out loud — that's hard. But I knew. I've known."
Sangwon's chest ached. "Why?" Why aren’t you mad? He wanted to say. Why do you stay?
Anxin looked at him for a long moment. The arcade lights flickered, casting colors across his face — blue, then pink, then gold. "Because I like you," he said simply. "Because when I'm with you, I feel like myself. Because you make me want to be brave." He paused. "Because you make me feel good, and maybe that’s selfish of me but —" He stopped, shaking his head. "I don't know how to explain it. I just know I'm me with you. And I really like you."
Sangwon couldn't breathe.
Anxin was looking at him with those eyes, open and vulnerable and so, so brave. Braver than Sangwon had ever been. Braver than Sangwon knew how to be.
"I don't know if I can love you the way you deserve," Sangwon whispered. "I don't know if I know how. I've been loving him for so long, it's like — it's like part of me doesn't know anything else."
Anxin nodded. "I know."
"And I'm scared. I'm scared of hurting you. I'm scared of trying and failing. I'm scared of — " His voice broke. "I'm scared of letting go of him and finding out there's nothing left."
Anxin stepped closer. Close enough to touch, though he didn't. Just stood there, waiting. "I'm not saying you have to stop loving him overnight. I'm just saying — " He took a breath. "I'm here. And when you're ready to try, I'll be waiting."
Sangwon looked at him. At his hopeful eyes, his steady presence, his impossible patience. At the boy who had followed him around like a shadow and the boy who had dragged him to an arcade to get his mind off someone else's date.
At the boy who loved him, anyway, even when it hurt. Something in Sangwon's chest shifted. “I'm selfish," he heard himself say.
Anxin blinked. "What?"
"I'm selfish." Sangwon's voice was rough. "Because I always want you with me."
Anxin's face went through about fifteen different expressions in three seconds. Confusion. Surprise. Hope. More confusion. And then — softness. Incredible, impossible softness. "Hyung —"
"I don't know what that means yet." Sangwon's hands came up, hovered near Anxin's face, didn't quite touch. "I don't know if I'm ready. I don't know if I'll ever be ready. But I know that when you're not here, when you’re not around, I'm looking for you. And I know that tonight, when you dragged me to this arcade, I forgot about him. Forgot that he was even on a date. I know that you make me laugh. You make me feel — " He struggled for words. "You make me feel like maybe there's a version of me that's not just waiting for someone. That there’s more to me."
Anxin's eyes were watering. "Hyung..."
Sangwon's thumb brushed against Anxin's cheek, “I know this is selfish. I know it's not fair. But I — " His voice cracked. "I always want you with me. Fuck, I don't know what that means. I'm scared. But I want you around me."
Anxin stared at him. Tears spilled over, tracked down his cheeks. "You're an idiot," he whispered.
"I know."
“But you’re great. In my eyes.”
Sangwon laughed. "I know that too."
Anxin reached up, caught Sangwon's hand where it rested against his face. Held it there.
"Okay," he whispered.
"Okay?"
"Okay, I’ll stick around." Anxin's smile was wobbly but bright.
Sangwon nodded, unable to speak. Anxin turned his head slightly, pressed his cheek to Sangwon's palm. "I really like you," he murmured against his skin. "Just so you know."
Sangwon felt it everywhere. “Don’t make me fall for you even more, Xin-ah.”
Anxin laughed with his whole chest, “have you started falling already, hyung? I haven’t even done anything!”
They giggled together, laughed about so much and nothing and Anxin’s cheek still against Sangwon’s hand. Somewhere in Sangwon's chest, years of loving Leo were still there.
But here, in this moment, Sangwon felt like maybe, just maybe, he could learn to love someone new.