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I sit on the floor in the middle of my room, the moonlight cascading across it. A blade rests in the palm of my trembling right hand, blood rushing down my left arm. I need it to all stop. But yet, I know it won’t. None of these thoughts will go away, and the suicidal ideations will continue to grow. It’s inescapable. A tear breaks its way through the guard I kept up, falling down my face. This will never end. The urges will get stronger and I’ll get closer to that edge, getting closer to leaping off it and leaving this world forever.
I jolt when I hear my boyfriend’s voice saying he’s gotten home. My panicking state increases and I snap out of the spiraling zone my mind fell into. Before he can come into our room, I run to the bathroom, locking myself in. I turn on the light and notice the actual amount of blood I’ve lost from the growing dizziness slurring in my head. My brain realizes that I dropped the bloodstained blade on the floor as I ran into the bathroom and I mentally cursed myself for acting without thinking. My heart races as I hope he doesn’t notice it when I hear him turn the doorhandle to our room.
“Ves?” I hear II call. I hesitate for only a second, figuring I should probably respond.
“Yeah?” I say wearily.
“Just checking in, I’m gonna make dinner, I got the sauce we needed.” My love says and I can hear the smile in his voice, the cheeriness creating a stark contrast to my state.
“Okay.” I respond almost too rushed, but II catches on.
“Is everything alright?” He asks, “You seem distressed.” I hear him get closer to the bathroom door and silently thank myself for locking it. II can’t see me like this, I won’t let him after I promised I would try to get better.
“Yeah.” I mumble loud enough for him to slightly hear me.
“What do you mean? Are you okay?” I picture the concerned expression he wears that matches the tone of that voice.
“Yeah, yeah, sorry.” I say breathlessly, looking down at my arm, which still trickles a great amount of blood down to my wrist where I prevent it from reaching the ground with a few tissues I grabbed quickly earlier.
“Are you sure? Can I come in?” II asks gently and I squeeze my eyes shut at the sound of his soft voice, not being able to bear the thought of saying no.
“I, uhm-fuck, I can’t-” I stutter and I hear II grab the doorhandle, attempting to twist the locked knob. My heart beats sharply in my chest. He knows we never lock doors in our apartment.
“Vessel, what’s going on?” My love’s voice gets more frantic, hurting me the more he talks, the more he worries about me.
“Nothing, I’m okay.” I lie, unable to will myself to speak the truth, fearing he’ll be disappointed in me. I broke my promise, I told him I’d never drag a blade across my skin again, and yet I did. I hear him walk away from the door and brace myself, knowing he found the blade I left in the middle of the room.
“Vessel, please.” II’s voice gets more desperate, “Please, let me in.” Just by the tone of his voice, I know that he found the blade, that he’s probably holding it in his hands, noticing the fresh blood left on it.
“You won’t be mad?” I ask, my voice small as I look towards the lock on the door.
“No, never. Please let me in, Ves.” My lip quivers at the fraughtness expression in his voice.
“Okay.” I whisper, unlocking the door hesitantly. I hear him turn the knob slowly but with urgency, though nothing prepares me for the look he gives me solemnly. I can’t help but look down as he walks over to me, dropping the blade in his hands onto the bathroom counter. “I’m sorry.” I croak, trying to stop the tears from falling from my watery eyes.
“Shh, I’m not mad, not at all.” He grabs my trembling hand with his own, the other grabbing a few bandages we keep in the medicine cabinet behind the mirror as well as the alcohol pads. I lean against the counter and he gently cleans the gashes on my arm. I don’t have the strength or energy to stop him, just let him bandage up the cuts and clean off my bloodstained arm.
“You’re not mad even a bit? I broke my promise, I told you I wouldn’t-”
“I know you broke the promise, but I also know how hard it is to fight those urges and how easy it is to give in.” II explains and another tear slips down my face. He throws away the used alcohol pads and washes his hands. “I’ve got to check on those almost daily, just to make sure they don’t need stitches and are healing well. They were pretty deep, Ves.” II’s hand cups my cheek and I look into his eyes, admiring his calm in my state of panic. His tranquility in my chaos. I’m beyond thankful that in these situations he stays collected and doesn’t panic like I do.
“I know.” I say shamefully, closing my eyes and I feel arms wrap around me and a face bury itself in my chest.
“But I love you, I always will.” I open my eyes and see him smile into my chest, his cheek pressed against me and his eyes closed.
“I love you too, so much.” My uninjured arm reaches up to his hair where my fingers run through it gently.
“How about I make us some dinner and we cuddle on the couch and watch a show?” II offers, speaking softly.
“I like that idea.” I mumble, the ache in my arm only dull and in the back of my mind as I focus on my love in front of me, taking care of me and worrying about me.
“Okay,” He smiles up at me and my hand cups the back of his neck, “Can I have a kiss first?” He asks hesitantly, as if he didn’t know if it would be the right thing to do at this moment. I smile, meeting his lips with my own, softly. His fingers graze faintly over my chest and arms, sliding themselves into my hands and rubbing my knuckles with his thumbs, which he knows I love. He breaks away, pressing his forehead against mine.
“You promise you’ll tell me if this happens again and not shut me out?” He asks me gently.
“Yes.” I close my eyes, “I promise. I’m sorry I didn’t this time, I should’ve, I was just scared you’d be disappointed in me.”
“Never.” II pulls away from me, kissing my forehead. “Now, let me go make dinner and you can pick the show we watch.” My love smiles.
“Okay,” I whisper, some of the uneasiness fading away, though it comes back in full force when I sit down on the couch in our living room alone, the pain returning in my arm. I wince when I move it, focusing on the pain without the presence of II to distract me. It shoots up through my arm and causes me to not be able to think about anything else except for the negative connotations within my spiralling state. My ears ring and I try looking around the room to focus on anything else, but now that II is another room, nothing else can really distract me.
You’re good for nothing, you utter pathetic freak.
I halt my hand as it tries to reach for the freshly bandaged wounds, using all my strength to tear them open again and bleed out. My hands tramble as I try to stop my racing thoughts. “II…” I tried to call out, hoping he heard me.
“Love? Did you say my name?” He asks, coming from the kitchen and relief floods over me like a tidal wave.
“Yeah.” I say breathlessly, my hands shaking as I start to subconsciously scratch at the wounds, wanting my thoughts to halt for even just a second. II walks over to me quickly and grabs my hands. “It won’t stop.” A tear slips down my cheek.
You’re beyond worthless. You can’t do anything right.
“I know, love. Just focus on me.” He kisses my hands softly, holding them in his own as his lips come up to kiss the top of my head. I try to anchor my racing mind, try to focus on II in front of me and how he gently holds my hands.
You don’t deserve him.
“It’s too much- I can’t-” I panic, realizing the state I’m falling into again. Breathing becomes harder and my vision blurs.
“Breathe with me slowly, Ves.” II places my hand on his chest and takes exaggerated breaths, ones I start to mimic slowly. “You can do it, love.” His other hand cups my cheek. I try to focus on breathing steadily, but I lose control. I take my other hand and dig my nails into my arm, anything to stop these thoughts, for it all to go away. I need the pain to rid the thoughts from my mind. “Ves, hey, look at me.” II tilts my face with the gentleness of his hand.
“I can’t, it’s not stopping!” I squeeze my eyes shut.
“I know, but I need you to try to focus on something else.” He grabs my hand from its grasp on my injured arm. “Love, please.”
I think about the smell of II’s faint cologne, the beautiful blue of his eyes, the fact that he’s right here in front of me. My breathing slows, matching II’s as my hand feels his heartbeat pound softly against his chest.
“That’s it.” He rubs his thumb across my cheek soothingly. “I love you, Ves.”
Don’t believe him.
“I love you.” I breathe shakily, ignoring the voice and burying my face into II’s shoulder, taking in his scent. I feel his fingers run through my hair and I calm down. His other hand draws circles across my back soothingly and I can finally breathe normally as my sporadic thoughts and voices slow to a stop.
“Love…” II pulls away and I catch him looking down at the fresh blood seeping through the bandages he just put on.
“I’m sorry.” I gulp, not realizing how much pressure I actually was using.
“Shhh, it’s okay. I just need you to be more careful.” He looks up at me with his soft, caring, blue eyes.
“I’ll try.” I nod faintly. He kisses me softly and everything stops around us. It’s just me and him, nothing else exists but our lips connecting gently. He holds both of my hands with his own, rubbing his thumbs over my knuckles. He pulls away softly, pressing his forehead against mine.
“I love you.” He smiles and closes his eyes.
“I love you more.” I nuzzle my nose against his.
“Not possible.” His hand leaves mine and cups my cheek, kissing my gently before pulling away, “I obviously love you the most.” He laughs softly.
“Suuure.” I smile.
“Beautiful..” II kisses my cheek. “You know, I love when you smile.”
I laugh, looking at him.
“I’m being serious!” He pouts.
“Okay, whatever you say, love.” I smile. There’s no way he could actually think I’m ‘beautiful’, that’s crazy. The fact that he even loves me is beyond me.
“Fine, don’t believe me.” He sighs jokingly. “Shoot, I have to finish up in the kitchen, I don’t want to leave the oven on.” II gets up, and holds out a hand for me, softly pulling me with him, which I’m beyond grateful for, not wanting to be left alone. He turns off the oven and takes the baked pasta out of it. “Have you eaten anything today?” He asks me and my stomach drops. Shit.
“No.” I whisper.
“Oh, love.” He grabs my hand and kisses it. “Let me get you a bowl.” He walks to the cupboard before I can say anything.
“It’s fine, I’m not hungry.” I shake my head and he looks at me.
“Bullshit.” He says as he scoops me a bowl of pasta, which really looks too good to pass up. I never decline food II makes me, and he knows that, so I grab the bowl he hands me, not able to say no. He gets one for himself and we sit in the livingroom, as he insists I find something for us to watch.
I eat slowly as we watch an episode of Heartstopper. After I finish my food halfway through the second episode and silently put the bowl down and crawl into II’s arms, resting my head on his chest and laying in between his legs. He welcomes me with open arms, like he did when we first met.
“Hey, love.” I kissed my forehead.
“Hi.” I mumble.
“Are you feeling any better now? At all?” He asks gently, rubbing my back in soothing circles.
“Mhm.” I hide my face in his chest, which I’m not sure if I’m ashamed of doing or not. Today has just been too much for me to handle and I really do need the comfort from II, no matter how much I regret being this clingy in the morning.
“That’s good. I love you so much, Ves.” He whispers.
“I love you too, thank you.” I say into his chest. Finding myself falling asleep to the soft touches of his fingertips and the faint voices from the TV in the background, I close my eyes and let it overcome me.