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We said our goodbyes, the night before
“Thank you again for coming over.” Tired, Gavi rested against the wall and watched Pedri as he was putting on his shoes. The Canarian looked up at him and immediately smiled back.
“Of course,” he answered softly, while tying his shoes. “Always.” He said it so matter-of-factly that Gavi couldn’t help but be in awe of him. As always. Even though he was getting better at putting his feelings into words, he still struggled with that sometimes. Actions? No problem. But words just weren’t his strength. Pedri, on the other hand, always managed to find the right words – and then let actions follow, too. Unfair, as Gavi thought.
Today had been one of those days when he just wanted to stay in bed all day to forget everything around him. His recovery wasn’t a linear process, which certainly shouldn’t surprise anyone, but sometimes, it was a hard pill to swallow, nonetheless. After his first breakdown, during which he had avoided literally everyone for several days straight, Pedri had asked him to tell him if he ever felt that way again, even remotely. At first, it was difficult for Gavi to ask for help, but it became easier over time. Everything was easier with Pedri right by his side.
“Will I see you tomorrow at Ferran’s?” The older one now stood up again and took a step closer so they almost touched.
“Mhhh,” he answered, stifling a yawn. He felt as if he had aged at least 50 years over the past few months. His body literally shouted at him to go to bed after 10 pm, and he wasn’t particularly keen on the idea of going to Ferran’s get-together tomorrow, yet.
“I’m also at the training centre tomorrow, I have a session,” he then added. “I think it’s parallel to the group training.”
“Oh yeah? We’ll definitely see each other there, then,” Pedri smiled and then just looked at him for a few moments, obviously contemplating whether he should say his next words. “Thank you for calling me. I mean it.”
Gavi immediately blushed and waved it off. If anyone needed to thank the other, it was him, not Pedri. Pedri could have enjoyed a pleasant evening off without him, which his emotional turmoil had disrupted.
The Canarian appeared as if he wanted to add something, but then simply sighed heavily and hugged him instead. Gavi allowed himself to enjoy the moment, leaning more of his weight on Pedri, trusting him to support him. Nothing made him feel as calm as Pedri’s touches. He needed them so, so much.
“If you don’t feel like coming tomorrow, just tell me,” Pedri murmured. “I could come over instead, or we can go to my place or whatever. No one would hold a grudge.”
“It’s fine.” Gavi pressed a kiss to his shoulder before stepping back slightly to look at him. “I want to see the others, really. I sometimes don’t feel like meeting people when I’m in a bad mood, but I have not once regretted going anyway.”
“Okay, just…” Pedri took a deep breath and then placed his hands on his cheeks. “Tell me whenever you’re uncomfortable?”
“Pedri…” Irritated, he blinked at his best friend. Where did the sudden overprotection come from? It wasn’t new to him that Pedri had been more protective of him ever since his torn ACL, but he had never shown it thatclearly.
“I’m sorry, I’m just worried about you.” Pedri now shook his head before kissing his forehead. Unlike usual, however, he didn’t pull away immediately. Instead, he let his lips linger on Gavi’s skin for a few seconds, and Gavi’s heart skipped a beat. What did that mean? Could Pedri…? No, surely not. Right?
With big, round eyes and a rapid heartbeat, Gavi watched as Pedri finally stepped back, his hands still resting on his cheeks, though. Everything around them blurred instantly. Pedri was looking at him differently, his gaze full of warmth but still tinged with a hint of trouble. He gently caressed his cheek, while Gavi still couldn’t find the words to speak. This moment felt overwhelmingly intense.
Love was in your eyes, the night before
“Pedri,” he finally repeated quietly, realising he was pleading. He didn’t know exactly what he was pleading for. Maybe for Pedri to make all his dreams come true. For Pedri to finally dare to cross the line that Gavi didn’t dare to cross because he was too scared. Too scared to lose Pedri.
Slowly, almost tentatively, Pedri began to close the gap between them. “Tell me to stop,” he whispered while holding his gaze. It was his final offer to stop doing whatever they were doing at that moment. To forget it ever happened, choose the easier path instead, and simply carry on as if they were normal best friends.
But Gavi didn’t ask him to stop. Instead, he closed the distance between them himself and kissed him fiercely. He could hear the blood rushing in his ears, and his whole body felt like it was burning up. He should have known that kissing Pedri would feel different from all the other kisses he had had in his life before. He hadn’t known a feeling that intense even existed until now.
“Fuck,” Pedri murmured against his lips, and for a second, he feared that maybe Pedri didn’t like it as much as he did, but then he tilted Gavi’s head ever so slightly to deepen the kiss, making Gavi fucking whimper into the kiss. If it wasn’t Pedri he was kissing, he would probably be mortified by that sound.
Pedri, who now smiled into the kiss before breaking it.
Gavi needed a moment to return to reality. He blinked a few times then licked his lips. Did that really just happen? He finally looked at Pedri, who was still holding his face in his hands – god, those hands – and looking at him with dilated pupils.
“Don’t look at me like that,” he said breathlessly. Pedri’s hungry eyes didn’t exactly help his plan to go to bed to get some rest.
Pedri laughed at his words and slowly released him, briefly closing his eyes to take a breath. “I should really go,” he chuckled and ran a hand through his hair. A little annoyed, he grumbled, but he had to admit that it was the most sensible decision. He couldn’t risk anything with his injury, and he couldn’t trust himself to make rational choices if Pedri stayed.
“I’ll see you tomorrow?” he asked instead and stepped closer to Pedri once again. Sue him for wanting to see the effect he had on him one more time.
Pedri’s gaze immediately drifted over his body before settling on his lips. Once again, his eyes were dazed, which Gavi found quite satisfying. He had caused that. He had made Pedri lose his mind over a single kiss, and he had rarely felt so powerful. Pedri was putty in his hands right now, and perhaps he should ask him to stay over, after all?
“So, tomorrow?” he prompted Pedri to regain focus, since he still hadn’t responded. He decided he could savour this feeling a little longer. He let his fingers graze Pedri’s forearm, and goosebumps immediately erupted on his skin. Pedri was completely in a daze; clearly, not a single brain cell had even registered that Gavi had asked him a question.
“Pedri?” he giggled, and at last, Pedri managed to regain control of his body.
“Uhm…yes, tomorrow. I’ll see you tomorrow,” he confirmed and quickly shook his head. He had blushed, but he was smiling. A sign that Gavi hadn’t pushed it too hard. They should maybe talk about what all of this meant for them, but that could probably wait until tomorrow.
He briefly rubbed Pedri’s shoulders, to which Pedri leaned forward to kiss him again. More chastely, though. Before it could escalate any further, however, Pedri pulled away completely.
“Good night,” he grinned and gripped the door handle. “Sleep well.”
“You too,” he answered happily. Once more, they looked at each other, then Pedri stepped through the door with a slight shake of his head. When the door closed behind him, Gavi leaned against the wall once again. He hadn’t anticipated the day ending like this when he had asked Pedri to come over. Nevertheless, he wouldn’t dare complain.
When Gavi entered the training centre the next day, he was already grinning. He was always happy to be here, but today was even more special. He would see Pedri again after they had kissed twice the day before. After Pedri had made it clear he had feelings for him, too. And even though they hadn’t texted after that, he knew their friendship was on a good path to becoming more.
He couldn’t wait to see how Pedri would greet him. It had become customary for him to kiss his head in greeting. However, now he could happily interpret it as more than just a friendly gesture. He had never been so certain of anything as his feelings for Pedri.
He stepped into the changing room, and his eyes immediately found Pedri, who was quietly talking to Ferran. Neither of them seemed to notice his arrival, so he went to say hello to Fermín and Pau first. After briefly speaking to most of the team, he finally made his way over to Pedri and Ferran – after all, his locker was right beside theirs.
“Hey,” he beamed at them, though that was mostly directed at Pedri. Now, they looked up at him, but other than expected, that was all that happened. No hug from Pedri, no kiss on his head from Pedri, not even a fucking smile from Pedri. His own smile disappeared suddenly.
“Hey, Gavito,” Ferran greeted him cheerfully, and extended his hand. Pedri simply nodded at him. What the fuck was happening right now? Why hadn’t Pedri said anything? Yesterday, he had driven him mad with his sheer closeness. Now he couldn’t decipher any feelings in his face.
Now, today, I find you have changed your mind
He now realised that he still hadn’t reacted to Ferran, so he swallowed all his feelings regarding Pedri, to quickly dab him. He had been so sure that he no longer needed to suppress his feelings about Pedri.
A half-hearted smile crept onto his lips as he let his bag fall onto his seat. At least he had something to do when he got changed. At least, that way, he could act as if this hadn’t just been the most painful experience of his life. He would have been fine with anything. Pedri could have hugged him, dabbed him, simply smiled at him. Anything that would prove they were still on the same page. Instead, he fucking nodded at him.
He felt Ferran’s eyes on him as he changed, then saw the Valencian look at Pedri. But he didn’t dare to ask the obvious: What the hell had happened between him and Pedri?
When a few of their teammates made their way out of the changing room, Pedri took the opportunity to stand up. “Wanna go?” he asked Ferran, who still appeared to be deeply irritated by the whole situation. Pedri’s voice alone sent shivers down his spine. So he could talk, after all. Just not to him.
“Uhhh…yeah, sure,” Ferran replied and slowly rose from his seat. For a brief moment, Gavi felt his unsure gaze on him again, then he simply squeezed his shoulder before following Pedri, who had already made his way to the exit.
One after another, his teammates left the room, wishing him fun for his session, which he definitely wouldn’t have now. Once he was alone, he collapsed and buried his face in his hands, trying to somehow make sense of the situation. Pedri had shown him the cold shoulder for the first time at the moment he needed reassurance more than ever before. He needed reassurance that yesterday hadn’t destroyed their friendship. And he had been so, so sure that Pedri’s eyes had reflected his own longing. He had been so sure that he could call Aurora sometime next week to tell her he had finally succeeded. That Pedri was finally his boyfriend. But clearly, that wasn’t what Pedri wanted, and this realisation stole his breath.
“Fuck,” he mumbled into his palms as his eyes welled up. He couldn’t afford a mental breakdown. Not here, and especially not now, just before his session. He would drive home later, cancel Ferran’s get-together, and for the first time in ages, go to bed and cry himself to sleep. He wouldn’t call Pedri because Pedri didn’t want to come.
Was that the reason Pedri had asked him to stop him right before they had kissed? Because he knew Gavi had feelings for him that he simply couldn’t return? Gavi cursed himself a little for not asking Pedri to stay yesterday. If Pedri didn’t feel anything for him and he wasn’t more than just a toy for him, then at least this embarrassing moment in front of Ferran wouldn’t have happened. He would have known yesterday or, at the latest, this morning in the safety of his own home, that he wasn’t more than just a friend to Pedri.
But Pedri had seemed so different last night. Gavi had had him wrapped around his finger. Pedri had kissed him goodbye, without the longing of their first kiss. It had been a good-night kiss, the kind you give to someone you love. So why did he change his mind? Had the kiss been that bad?
Treat me like you did the night before
“Here you are! Our session started five minutes ago,” his personal trainer’s voice finally snapped him out of his thoughts, and he quickly stood up.
“Shit, sorry!” he cursed and wiped away his tears, whereupon his trainer froze.
“Are you okay? Are you in pain?” he immediately demanded to know, but Gavi just shook his head. Not physically, at least, he thought, and slipped out of the room to avoid any further questions. His training would help him stay distracted, and since it was a short session, he could leave without having to face Pedri again. Another dull pain struck him when he realised that this was his new reality. Avoiding Pedri. Besides football, he had now lost his second most important thing in life, and right now, it felt as if the hole that had followed him for the past few months was threatening to swallow him whole.
In the evening, he had already carried out his plan. Ferran hadn’t seemed too surprised by his cancellation as he simply sent him a text message that said, ‘Don’t worry about it, hermano. If you want to talk, just let me know.’ Although he had affirmed, he probably wouldn’t take up that offer.
Pedri was the only person he wanted and could talk to. Pedri was the only person he completely trusted. Pedri was the only person with whom he could be himself. Pedri was the only person who could save him from this hole. Pedri was the only person he lo-
Were you telling lies, the night before?
He quickly abandoned that thought. No. He had to forget about that immediately. But it was already too late, and he knew that. His chest now hurt so much that he began to rub the spot. A feeling that he had also got to know over the past few months: the start of a panic attack.
He closed his eyes and tried to recall his therapist’s advice. Think of nice, calm moments when you felt secure. But in every one of those, Pedri appeared.
And even though it helped him calm down, the pain didn’t disappear. Instead, he started sobbing. He shouldn’t have kissed Pedri; he should have stopped him when Pedri had given him the chance. He shouldn’t have fallen in love with him in the first place. How stupid could he even be to fall in love with his best friend, who had only ever dated women? Pedri didn’t fancy men.
Pedri didn’t fancy him.
He couldn’t offer Pedri anything, of course not. How could he have ever thought, even for a second, that Pedri would find him somewhat appealing? He was clumsy, childish, didn’t think twice before saying or doing something. And most importantly: he wasn’t a woman, and he never would be.
Was I so unwise, the night before?
Depressed, he pulled the duvet over his head and tried to calm himself down once again. Maybe he was overreacting. Maybe Pedri would want to be his best friend again in a few days, once things had calmed down. Maybe he could be fine with being Pedri’s best friend again.
But deep down, he knew he couldn’t. Not now, when he knew how kissing Pedri felt. He could never get over him. He would never love anyone as much as he loved Pedri.
Lost in thought, he initially didn’t hear the doorbell. Only when it rang for the fourth time did he flinch, but he still chose not to get up. He didn’t want to see anyone at the moment, not even a post officer. All the lights in his house were off anyway, so the visitor couldn’t possibly know anyone was home.
He returned to his initial position and closed his eyes again when the front door was opened with a key. He listened anxiously to the sound as the door shut. Only two people held keys to his home: Aurora and Pedri. The former was on holiday with his boyfriend and certainly not at his house in Barcelona.
“Gavi?” the latter’s voice now echoed through his home, confirming what he had feared. He quickly turned his back to the bedroom door and closed his eyes. If Pedri thought he was sleeping, perhaps he would leave again.
The footsteps drew nearer before Pedri seemingly entered the room, where he paused. Unconsciously, Gavi held his breath.
“Gavi?” Pedri repeated cautiously, but he didn’t respond. “Can we talk, Gavi?”
About what? That the kiss was a mistake, and you don’t like me like that? No, thank you. I can live without hearing those words.
“Gavi,” he sighed heavily and slowly approached the bed. “I know you’re not sleeping.”
Pouting, he pressed his lips together, squeezed his eyes shut and made himself a little smaller. Couldn’t he just leave? He didn’t want to hear his words.
“Gavi, please,” Pedri begged, before touching his shoulder. Gavi immediately saw red.
When I held you near, you were so sincere
“Don’t fucking touch me!” he hissed, and Pedri shot back as if burned. “Can’t you just leave?!”
He looked at Pedri’s pained expression, which made him snort with rage. Did he seriously think that Gavi would greet him with open arms and tell him that he would be fine with being friends? Maybe Pedri didn’t know him so well, after all.
For a taunting few seconds, it was quiet before Pedri regained his composure. He swallowed once and then moved to sit down on his bed, but Gavi quickly stopped him. “I mean it,” he said coldly. “If you’re here to break my heart any further, you should leave now before I make you.”
Pedri paused and swallowed once more. But he wasn’t leaving. God, why couldn’t he just leave him be? Why did he have to terrorise him now and ignore his feelings?
“I thought about yesterday,” Pedri started nervously, and Gavi now swung his feet out of bed. Most certainly not. Pedri couldn’t simply enter his home without permission, not follow his demand of leaving and then expect him to listen to him even though he had made it clear that he couldn’t bear that pain.
He silently rose and made his way to the door. He wouldn’t cry in front of him. He wouldn’t cry in front of him. He wouldn’t cry in front of him.
Pedri quickly grabbed his wrist to stop him from leaving. The tears now spilled over. He was crying in front of him.
Furiously, he turned to Pedri and shook off his hand. “Is this funny to you?” he snapped at him. “Is this some kind of joke to you to hurt me?”
Pedri looked at him with sad eyes and opened his mouth to speak, but he clearly couldn't find the words and remained silent.
“I told you to leave,” he whispered, tears streaming down his face. It was too late anyway. Pedri now knew how he felt. “Why do you not care about my feelings? You initiated the kiss; that was you. Even if you maybe try to shift all the blame onto me, it was still you! You decided to give me hope only to ditch me in front of fucking Ferran. You broke my heart. The least you could do now is respect my feelings and just leave when I’m asking you to.”
Treat me like you did the night before
Pedri looked at him like a kicked puppy, and where did he find the right to act as if Gavi was the villain here? As if Pedri was the one whose heart was being broken?
“If you really want me to leave without telling you how I feel and how ashamed I am of the way I acted, then I will,” he finally said in a trembling voice. “I would understand.”
Gavi watched him silently and brushed a few of his tears away. He wasn't quite sure how to respond. No, he didn’t truly want Pedri to leave. Not really, at least. But he was also tired of his games. He wanted clarity.
Pedri seemed to interpret his silence as permission to carry on, saying, “But I would love to explain why I acted the way I did. Even though I probably don’t deserve to.”
“Are you going to reject me?” he asked sharply, unsure of which direction this conversation was heading. Pedri blinked, slightly surprised, so he murmured, “Because I already told you, in that case, you can-“
“No, Gav,” Pedri softly interrupted, a small tilt to the corner of his mouth. Asshole. “I’m not rejecting you. I could never.”
Silence.
Those were words he hadn’t expected to ever hear ten minutes ago. But fine, if they could lay all their cards on the table and have an honest conversation about their feelings, so be it. However, if Pedri thought he would forgive him that easily, he was in for a fight. He had taken away his will to live that morning; now he would have to endure a bit of suffering himself.
“Okay, talk,” he told him, crossing his arms. Pedri raised his eyebrows and tilted his head slightly, a habit he always had when he could see through Gavi’s demeanour immediately. Well, even if he knew that Gavi would forgive him, so what? He still wouldn’t give Pedri that much reassurance right now.
“I’m sorry for how I acted today,” Pedri began, taking a step forward. Gavi immediately backed away again and furrowed his eyebrows. Surely not, Pedri. Forget it, I will not give you the closeness you need right now.
“Fine, I got it.” Pedri raised his hands in surrender and sighed. “I’m sorry for how I behaved today,” he repeated, now clearly more uncertain. “But I don’t regret the kiss yesterday. That I initiated. I’ve just had a bit of an existential crisis until now.”
“Why are you here, then?” he demanded to know, uncrossing his arms again. It hurt to see Pedri like that. He usually did everything so confidently, and nothing could alter that. He could let him suffer a bit longer, sure, but Pedri did exactly as he had asked him to do. He was opening his heart to him, so he could at least offer him a little reassurance.
He hadn’t really considered how Pedri must have felt after yesterday. There had only ever been women to him. While Gavi had already realised he liked men during his time at La Masía, Pedri only had to deal with that in recent weeks – and especially last night. A little gay crisis was normal. He could have communicated it better, but it was normal.
“You weren’t at Ferran’s,” he said, shrugging his shoulders somewhat awkwardly. “It felt empty without you there. I realised that all the others were having a good time, but I didn’t because you weren’t there. I thought if you had been there, then I could convince myself that you didn’t have feelings for me, but then you weren’t there. And I only wanted to be with you because it hurt. It hurt so much that I had hurt you.”
“Serves you right,” he muttered before he could stop himself. Had he already said that he didn’t think before talking?
Contrary to his expectations, Pedri chuckled briefly. “Yeah, I kind of deserved that. Ferran already made that clear earlier.”
“You talked to Ferran?” he probed disbelievingly, tilting his head.
“Well, I had to talk to someone. And he was there this morning. Long story short: he kicked me out so I would talk to you,” he smiled before turning serious again. “The situation was scary because I never thought I would fall in love with my best friend. But I am sure about my feelings for you, and I know that you are the person I have been searching for ever since I had a rough idea of relationships. I’m sorry I couldn’t figure it out before kissing you. I didn’t mean to hurt you, I promise. I don’t ever want to hurt you again.”
“We will hurt each other again, whether we want to or not,” he answered sadly and took a step forward. Pedri hadn’t made another move to come closer after Gavi had made it clear he didn’t want that. But who was he even kidding? He needed Pedri close at least as much as Pedri needed him. “And who knows if you had ever figured it out if we hadn’t kissed.”
“I would have,” he remarked without missing a beat and shot him a longing look. Gavi took pity on him (or both of them) now, reached for his hands, and intertwined their fingers tightly. “Believe me, I’ve had too many explicit dreams with you in them to not figure it out sooner or later.”
“Pedri, what?” He instantly blushed furiously and quickly buried his face in Pedri’s shoulder. Then he decided he would rather see Pedri’s smug grin than keep his face hidden. Sooner or later, Pedri would know all his emotions anyway.
Which was the right decision, as Pedri proved shortly afterwards. He freed one hand to gently caress Gavi’s cheek, and his grin gradually softened into a gentle smile, though his eyes still held a hint of sadness. Gavi turned his head to press a kiss onto Pedri’s palm without breaking eye contact.
“I’m sorry,” Pedri breathed. “I’m so sorry. I don’t know how I’ll ever make it up to you.”
“Just…talk to me. I can only help if I know what’s going on up here.” Lovingly, he tapped Pedri’s temple with his finger before resting his hand on Pedri’s hip.
Pedri nodded firmly and leaned forward to kiss his forehead. Like the night before, he rested his lips there. Like the night before, he then stepped back, took Gavi’s face in his hands, and began to close the gap between them. Like the night before, it was Gavi who impatiently bridged the final few inches to pull him into a kiss. Like the night before, Pedri tilted his head ever so briefly to deepen the kiss perfectly.
Like the night before
Like the night before, Pedri was the one to break the kiss and smile at him. His gaze was dazed but no longer sad. That was better. Unlike the night before, he asked, “Can I stay?”
Confirming, Gavi nodded before running his hands over Pedri’s arms. He enjoyed it a little too much to trigger the goosebumps. “If you don’t have another gay meltdown when you wake up next to a man tomorrow?” he teased him. Before Pedri even had a chance to take his words personally and feel guilty again, he put his hands on his neck and pulled him into another, much more demanding kiss.
Pedri made a surprised sound; however, he quickly regained his composure and returned the intensity. His hands now left Gavi’s cheeks to run down his body before resting on Gavi’s ass. Well, confident Pedri was finally back, then.
Contentedly, he pressed closer to him, which made Pedri smile against his lips. He broke the kiss once again to take a moment to simply look at Gavi with a smile. He then decided that he had clearly found what he was searching for and said, “No, I don’t think another gay meltdown will come.”
With these words, he gave Gavi a gentle nudge towards his bed, on which he fell laughing. Well, he could live with that. Hopefully, for the rest of his life.