Chapter Text
Silence.
My mind demands it when it comes to her.
Yet my heart just casually condemns that idea at a moment’s notice.
It usually happens when she smiles.
Every part of me but my heart knows that silence is the only way.
I wish I could simply watch her in complete silence.
The stillness of the moments where she’s around in my head is where I tend to retreat.
They happen in the space of the silence when I’m trying to hide.
It’s real… It’s an illusion
No one can see it. I practically live there when we are in a group.
Retreat, regroup, face her once more, slowly want to break my silence and repeat.
Her voice soothes and aches.
There is no panacea for this.
Her answer to the unspoken question is as close as it gets.
Yet she remains unaware in her own silence.
And I remain completely stuck in my silence.
Unending.
Unyielding.
Unsatisfying.
Unnerving.
Undeserved.
But completely fitting for choosing the silence myself.
The ache comes back to my teeth every time she smiles.
Every time I wear my own, I hide a piece of myself.
She simply can’t know. Foolish as it is to keep it inside.
Does it end in my own silence of watching her smile,
Or does it end in the sadness of a moment lost to the silence I’ve spent too long in.
I watched him from afar.
It wasn’t like there was a choice.
He was choosing a distance I couldn’t quite understand.
Being too close to him ended my heart’s silence
The one I could keep quiet when he stayed this far away.
I don’t have an answer to the question his eyes asked me at the beach
The story they told, has remained silent ever since.
They hide the truth, but I don’t understand and he won’t speak of it.
I simply know that whatever silence my heart had for so long
Demands to be heard at inopportune moments.
In between his future assurances, and my own desires for spending more time with him
I feel a gulf slowly widening.
What is it he was trying to really tell me. He was scared, barely holding on.
I couldn’t get it in the moment but afterwards it was clear.
I was silent because of my own fears.
I’m silent because I’m unsure.
Not of what I feel for him, but what it means for myself.
Who I see myself as and who others see me as.
I think I know how I feel about him.
But silence is where that love needs to stay.