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Jay had been feeling weird since he got out of the shower.
He woke up fine, his shower was normal.
And then, after he’s changed, he starts feels a bit weird.
It’s in his chest, but like not his chest-chest, like right where his chest meets his stomach.
He vaguely remembers someone in high school telling him that your hearts not actually in the top left of your chest, but sort of in the middle of your torso.
He shakes his head- no thats insane, he’s healthy, he’s young, maybe he’s just a bit anxious?
He reaches over to his cd player, hitting the button and letting the music of Edward Scissorhands float around his room, calming him.
It actually does make him feel a bit better, so he puts his shoes on and goes down the stairs to meet Matt for whatever they have planned that day.
He still felt a little weird, but not bad, not like before.
Matt’s eating a pop-tart on the couch when he makes the turn.
“Good morning Jay-Bird, sleep well?”
“Mhm” Jay plops himself down on the couch, feeling a bit worse- like he can’t take a full breath in.
“You okay?”
“Yeah, yeah, all good MJ.”
Matt kind of stared for a second before deciding Jay wasn’t lying, and then he hands him a packet of pop-tarts before he stands up.
“Okay! So as we know, Vince Valence always wears a red scarf, so I think we should sneak into his house and-“
Matt was still talking but Jay wasn’t listening.
He really felt like he couldn’t breathe, like his lungs wouldn’t fill. He was trying to yawn to open them up, but it just wasn’t working.
Matt’s been rambling and Jay realizes that he just asked him a question,
“Were you listening Jay?”
“Yeah, yeah, it’s a great plan Matt.”
“Okay! Let’s go then, you eat?”
“Uhm, I’ll-I’ll eat on the bus.”
“You sure you’re good?”
He nods, “yeah, yeah, just tired. Lets go.”
They get on the bus and Jay is feeling worse by the minute, his chest hurts, his back hurts and he can’t breathe.
He zones out at the street while Matt yaps his ear off, watching as they stop and start until eventually he can’t take it anymore.
He hits the signal,
“Jay what’re you doing? We don’t need to get off yet-“
“I-I think I’m dying Matt. Or-or having a breakdown, I don’t know, my-my chest hurts I-“
The bus stops and Jay is out that door before he can finish his sentence.
He’s trying to take a deep breath, leaning against the wall, humming the Edward Scissorhands score to himself, and it’s just not working.
He is dying, he is having a heart attack. He’s only in his mid 20’s and he’s about to die.
“Jay, Jay try and take a deep breath, you’re okay-“
“No-no I-I think something’s wrong Matt, I-I don’t know whats happening-“
“Okay, well lets just go home, let’s get you some sleep or we can watch a movie-“
“No, Matt can-can you take me to the ER, please? I-I think something is seriously wrong-“
“Okay, okay yeah, wait here for a second, I’ll get a cab”
Jay doesn’t respond, instead staring up at the sky, trying to calm himself down.
Eventually Matt is back and guiding him into a car, where he tells the driver to “step on it!” and then tries to assist Jay in the humming of Edward Scissorhands- it doesn’t really help, but the ride is over soon enough.
Jay rushes out of the car while Matt settles up with the driver.
He runs into the emergency room, panting and stressed out,
“Good morning Sir, what seems to be the issue today”
“I think I’m having a breakdown, but also something might be really wrong, I dunno”
“Okay, come with me, we’ll get you checked out sir.”
The nice nurse guided him towards a little curtained off area.
He asked him a few more questions about what was specifically happening, took his weight and blood pressure, and then he was walking towards the waiting room, immediately spotting Matt staring at the door to a different part of the hospital, knee bouncing.
“Bird! Are you alright?”
“Yeah, yeah I think, they-they did some vitals, they didn’t rush me back anywhere, which is probably a good sign.”
“Did something happen? I’ve never seen you this panicked.”
“I don’t know Matt. Can-can you talk about something? I need a distraction.”
If there was one thing Matt was good at, it was talking.
Knowing now that Jay was being weird and hadn’t been listening, he retold his plan.
Jay relaxed more and more, his breaths came a bit easier, and his back ached less, he even added some ideas to Matt’s plan.
Over the next 2 and a half hours he gets a ton of tests done- an EKG, blood tests, a chest x ray.
Eventually they tell him he’s alright, that it was a panic attack. The nice woman prescribes him some sort of medication and then he and Matt are on their way.
As soon as they leave, Matt’s back on his rambling,
“wasn’t it so cool that your doctor was a woman? AND asian? we are really getting somewhere with this feminism thing.”
“yeah, that was pretty cool.”
“do you wanna grab some food before we go to Valence’s house.”
“Matt do you think we can do that plan tomorrow?
“what?”
“It’s just- it’s been a long day-“
“its 10am!”
“yeah but I spent the last 4 hours thinking I was dying.”
“Oh… yeah that-that does make sense. Well, do you wanna grab something to eat before we head home? I think your pop-tart’s probably flattened by now, but the bakery you like is only a block away from here.”
Jay does remember dropping it as he rushed to stand and get out of the bus, AND they never get this bakery cause it’s so out of the way.
He nods.
Matt grabs his hand and starts walking, pulling Jay with him.
They get a few of their favorite pastries and hop on a bus back towards their apartment.
Jay is quiet, but he adds to the conversation every once in a while, when he feels really compelled to.
He feels embarrassed.
This was nothing, he was fine, it was a fucking panic attack. He’d had them before, he managed them then, sort of, with Matt’s help. Why was this different?
When they got home they sat on the couch and watched Indiana Jones for the hundredth time, eating their pastries.
Jay falls asleep at some point, and when he wakes up, Matt is gone.
He rubs his eyes, a little disgruntled, and takes in his surroundings.
He spots a note on the counter,
Jay-bird,
I’m getting us some dinner, your favorite, and I’m gonna rent us Jurassic Park, I know you like that soundtrack. I’ll be back soon.
xoxo
Matt
Xoxo? Does he know what that means?
Jay doesn’t really care, he still smiles at the note.
He uses this time to go to the bathroom and change into something comfortable.
When he comes back Matt is sitting on the couch, boxes of food on the coffee table.
They spend the rest of the night eating and hanging out, at least until the movie ended.
“Jay?”
“yeah?”
“Why didn’t you tell me something was wrong?”
“What?”
“This morning. You didn’t feel good, you thought you were having a heart attack, why didn’t you tell me?”
“I-I don’t know, it just…felt annoying, I thought maybe we’d start the plan and I’d feel fine. And then I just didn’t, and I was annoying, I uprooted our whole day.”
“You weren’t annoying Jay, I’ll take you to the hospital for anything, I want you to be safe and not having a heart attack.”
“I wasn’t even having a heart attack…it was stupid, I should’ve just dealt with it-“
“No, no you shouldn’t have Jay. If something was wrong, I’d want us to be in the ER, to get you help.”
“I guess, I just feel stupid…embarrassed, it was nothing, so much fuss over nothing. I feel like I should’ve known it wasn’t a heart attack.”
“You aren’t stupid Jay, it’s smart actually to go to the hospital when something feels off, especially when it feels like something serious. You’ve never had a heart attack Bird, how would you know what that feels like?”
That does comfort him a little, that Matt doesn’t think he was stupid and ruined their whole day.
Embarrassingly he feels tears well up in his eyes, he doesn’t even know why.
Maybe it’s because it had been one hell of a day, or that Matt was such a good friend to him, that he really got him.
“Woah, Jaybird whats wrong? Why’re you crying?”
Matt changes his position now, turning his whole body towards Jay, sitting close enough that his knee was just barely not touching his thigh.
“I don’t even know. I think-I think I’m overwhelmed.”
“Okay, okay, let me-let me get the lights, and I’ll-“
He reaches for the remote and turns the tv off, silencing the play screen music, and then he stands and flips the light off, the only light coming from the kitchen now.
“Is that better?”
Jay buries his face in his hands, because it is better, and he wants to cry harder.
Matt is instantly in front of him again, hands ghosting over his back, not yet touching him.
Jay just tips to his side, ending up in Matt’s arms, and letting his best friend rub his back.
“Whats going on Jay?”
“I don’t know Matt, I really don’t know.”
He sucks in a breath, theres no use in giving himself another panic attack because his best friend is too good?
“My brain is all messed up and broken Matt, and-and you’re the only one who’s never treated me like it is, like I’m just Jay.”
“Well, my brains broken too, so that’d be pretty hypocritical. Plus I think that the broken pieces of our brain can be put together like a puzzle, to make a whole lot of awesome. And anyways, I like you how you are, I wouldn’t want you to have an unbroken brain if it meant I didn’t have my best friend.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. You’re the best b-friend a guy could want.”
“Thats so gay.”
He chuckles a little because he does see irony in that statement- he’s been lying in his best friend’s arms for who knows how long now.
Matt laughs and ruffles his hair,
“Should we go to bed?”
“Yeah, we do have to go switch out all of Vince Valence’s scarves tomorrow, we need the sleep.”
“Do you wanna sleepover?”
And hejust grinned because he was hoping Matt would ask that.
And then they’re brushing their teeth and getting into Matt’s bed, and Matt is pressing play on the Edward Scissorhands soundtrack for them to fall asleep to.
Jay feels pretty lucky right now.