Chapter Text
Every day. Every single day for me is an endless loop. No matter what, I can't escape it. Have you ever read that one book, Miss. Peregrine's Home For Peculiar Children? It's as if I am stuck in a world like theirs, just it's a dark scary place and I'm completely alone. I'm stuck in a loop. There's no escape. I'm different, no one likes me. I can't escape. It's endless...
School is hell. Home is quiet. I have no friends, only people that hate me besides teachers. I'm not accepted and I never will be. I have people who I've never actually talked to or know anything about that hate me to such a degree that they want me to die. They attack me almost every day hoping I end my life and I've never actually spoken to them. Why do they hate me?
Because I'm different.
My house is always empty except for me. My parents are dead and I live with my grandfather who refuses to his job that requires him to almost always be gone. He doesn't hate me. He provides me with money for food and emergencies and cares about me. He asks how I am whenever he calls.
"Yes, grandfather. I am doing well. Yes, grandfather. I am okay. Everything is well"
Nothing is okay. I'm in a dark place. I have been for years. He can't see through my lies and I don't want to bother him with my problems. I only wish he'd retire. He can. He has enough money, but he doesn't want to.
I'm lonely. I have no one. No friends. You're my only family. You're the only one left and you now that. It's been like that for nearly five years.
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Today is like any other day. My house is dead silent with an exception for the water flowing from the shower head above me. I don't want to go to school. I want to sit in bed and sleep until I never wake up. Everyone hates me. I'm alone, but I have to go. I'd never actually ditch. My obsession over keeping perfect grades is in control of that, but oh, how I'd love to leave and never return. What's the point of staying here? What's the point of even staying on this world if no one would noticed your disappearance?
That's all I think about.
Is life even worth living if no one give a single shit about you? Is it worth going through this pain to eventually find the "light at the end of a tunnel" that everyone claims exists? There's no light. There's no happiness. It'd be there one second, and be gone the next. It would only be a tease.
I quickly step out of the shower and put on my clothes to avoid seeing myself in the mirror. I can't stand looking at myself. I'm such an ugly human being.
Before I know it, I am walking out of the house with my backpack and layers of clothing to keep me warm. Winter is not fun for me. I can't drive a car, I have no one to drive me, I don't have a bike, and I'm close enough to school where I don't have to ride a bus even though it's a far walk. By the time I get to school I'm always sure that I have frostbite no matter how many layers I have on.
If only I had a boyfriend. One that would hold my hands to warm them up. If only I had someone I could joke around and be happy with. If only there was a boy out there that loved and cared about me. Someone who'd kiss me on the forehead to cheer me up. If only...
My feet, hands, and nose were completely numb by the time I made it to school. Since I was early, everyone was still waiting outside the doors for them to open. I mindlessly wandered around the properly staring down at my feet. Eventually, I managed to ram myself into another student and earned myself a "watch where you're going, f*ggot" from them.
Ah, school. What a magical place. Everyone's an asshole, and the teachers couldn't care less about how you feel, or how depressed you are. It's only the money that's important, right? That's exactly why I hate it here. I have no one to talk to so my emotions just stay bottled up in me waiting to come out. I'll probably go crazy before I make a friend. Or maybe kill myself... What's the point of living if this is how life is going to be?
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I was the first person to arrive in my homeroom class. It was completely empty. Not even a teacher was in there. I sat down in the back like I usually do and begin checking if I have all my notebooks and shit for class. After that, I proceed to draw pointless doodles on my folder. Nothing much. Just flowers and some patterns and designs.
I really am a girl. God, no wonder why I'm always called one.
A couple students show up and quietly sit at their desks and work on homework, or read. After some time, a student that I do not recognize walks in. He had tan skin, brown messy hair, and the most beautiful green eyes I had ever seen. He looked like someone you'd see in a movie. The typical main character that falls in love with the female character.
"Huh. What brings you here you blockhead." Jean says in a snarky tone.
"Oh can it, horseface. Didn't you hear me at lunch last week? I said I was switching classes, dumbass, or where you too busy flirting with Marco."
Yay. Another douchebag classmate. Just what I needed.
"Jesus Christ, Eren. I'm not fucking gay, but if your sister wants to-"
"Talk to her and I'll kill you. She's not interested in some conceited dickwad like you." The other male interrupts.
As I'm drawing on the inside of the cover in my notebook, my pencil snaps. Irritated, I get up to sharpen it and manage to ram into the new kid, Eren.
"Oh shit, I-I'm sorry!" I say awkwardly. Way to screw things up, Armin.
"Dude, chill. It's fine." He says calmly.
He bends over and grabs the pencil and hands it to me smiling kindly. I grab the pencil gently and feel my cheeks heat up slightly.
"Woah, Jaeger's got a girlfriend!" Jean yells mockingly.
"Wait, girl? No offense but I thought you were a boy.."
"I-I am. I'm a boy." I stutter, hoping he believes me despite my incredibly high, feminine voice.
"Oh, well in that case, hah GAYYYYYYYY!" Jean calls out.
Frightened and embarrassed, I look at the ground in order to avoid eye contact. I walk back to my seat and hope the teacher arrives soon.
"Cut that shit out, Jean. I'm sure your mommy wouldn't be happy if she knew about this. Or maybe you're daddy will give you a whipping. That's one way to get a horse to behave." Eren teases.
"Pff, well at least I have a father."
Eren's expression drops. For a second, I feared he was going to cry. Ouch. I know how that feels.
"What the hell did you just say to me, asshole!" He screams grabbing the collar of Jean's shirt. "You know damn well not to say shit like that to me!"
"Guys, just quit it. Jean, stop being a dick. The bell is about to ring. Everyone, including the teacher, will be here any second now." Mina, another student, says.
Eren throws Jean back down in his seat and follows that by kicking the let of his chair. I see Jean flip him off out the corner of my eye. Eventually, everyone arrives. The teacher walks in and Eren gets out of his seat.
"Uh, where are the textbooks for this class?" He asks.
"Oh, they're in the back room. Armin, can you go show him where to get the textbooks."
I nod quietly and sit up from my chair. Eren follows behind me into a small storage room with a large book case and many other boxes stacked around it.
"Sorry about Jean.. He's kind of a dick. I had no idea being decent human beings meant we're gay."
"It's fine." I say. "I'm used to it."
"Used to what? Being treated like shit?"
"Well, yea. If I'm either called gay, or a girl. Or both... I've become used to it. It happens everyday."
"I'm sorry..."
I stand up on my toes in attempt to reach one of the text books for Eren. Of course they were on the shelf that I should not reach.
"Here," Eren says, noticing me struggle. "I can lift you up."
"Wait, no, it's fine-"
Before I could finish, a pair of hand were wrapped around my waist and I was lifted up. I quickly grabbed a book and was set down. I handed it to Eren, trying not to seem awkward (which was a total fail, I may add).
"Thanks."
We walked out of the room just as class was beginning. The class was pretty large so very few seats were available, and most were near me. Eren decided to sit in the empty chair next to me. Why? I'm not sure. He'll regret any decisions of his if he tried to befriend me.
Our teacher, Mrs. Walters, instructs us to write down notes. Eren shifts around in his seat seeming as if he were looking for something.
"Armin?" He whispers. I look up from my notes at him only for our eyes to meet. I quickly look away. "Can I borrow a pen?" He asks.
I nod in response and grab a pen from my pencil pouch. As I hand it to him, his fingers lightly brush against mine. He didn't seem to notice.
"You can keep it."
"Thanks."
Why was I getting so flushed over such small things? Am I really that desperate? I haven't had any friends for so many years, let alone someone treat me with some respect. That's probably why. These small things that he is doing are so weird, but to others it's just normal. Most people take the respect they get for granted. That is, until you are deprived of happiness. Then you're left craving the kind words of other, or just a friend. I envy those who spend their entire school day with their friends. I envy those who get excited to work on group projects. It's hard not to be jealous.
Before I know it, the bell rings, letting us out. I quickly grab my belongings and head out the door.
"Hey, wait!" I hear someone call from behind me.
Eren runs up beside me holding a sheet of paper with some writing on it.
"What do you have second period? I have science."
"I do too." I say quietly.
"Really? Cool! Are there any seats by you that are open. You're pretty cool."
"Yea, but I'm not sure you want to sit with me... I'm the scum of this school. If anyone sees you with me you may lose all respect from others."
"Pff, yeah right. You're awesome. I can introduce you to my other friends during lunch. I'm sure they'd think the same."
"Depends on if they know me. If they do, they definitely won't think that." I say sadly.
"Oh c'mon. I doubt anyone thinks of you that way. I mean, of course you'll have people that'll dislike you, but I'm sure there's plenty of people that like you!"
"You'd be surprised..." I murmured not knowing if he heard me or not. Either way, he didn't respond to what I said.
"My locker is down here." He says pointing to a hallway. "See you in science?"
"Yea, sure.."
I continue walking straight, in order to reach my locker. Quickly, I gather my things for my next class in attempt to avoid running into them.
"Hey Reiner!" A feminine voice calls out. "I found this pretty blonde girl! Oh wait, it's just Armin." Ymir taunts mockingly.
I proceed to grab my things from my locker acting as if they aren't there. Maybe if I ignore them they'll go away.
"Hey, f*ggot. Look at me when I talk." She says, swatting the side of my head.
"Cut it out..." I groan.
"Excuse me? Are you telling me what to do." She says with a shove. My textbook and binder fall out of my hands and drop to the ground. A few students watch as Ymir gets closer to me, but do nothing to help. They just watch.
"You do not tell me what to do. I am much bigger than you. I am much stronger than you. And I am not some pathetic excuse of a human being like you." She hisses, shoving me each time she paused. Eventually, I ended up on the ground
I looked down to avoid eye contact with Ymir. She kicked me several times, one landing straight on my kneecap which earned a squeak from me. It hurt like hell and I was afraid she broke my knee, or at least bruised it really badly. The bell rang signaling the start of this period.
"Aw you poor thing. You're late to class now. Good luck getting there." She mocked me. She turned around and left along with Reiner, who said almost nothing. They went pretty easy on me.
I attempted to stand up but fell to the ground. She definitely screwed up my knee one way or another and I had no idea how I'd get to class. Should I just stay here until someone comes? I didn't really have much of a choice. Would I get in trouble if I stay? I doubt I would since I'm injured, but what about Ymir? I'm sure she'll get in trouble. She'd definitely kill me for ratting her out. I could just tell them I fell if anyone asks. There's no other option.
About twenty minutes later I heard someone walking down the hallway. I was hoping they'd see me, but at the same time I was hoping they wouldn't. I could hear the sound of their feet tapping against the ground nearing the hallway.
"Armin? What are you doing here?" A familiar voice asks. "Ms. Jaeckin is wondering where you are. She said she's worried about you because you've never been late. Here, I'll get your things." He says walking towards my notebooks which were scattered along the lockers.
"What happened?" He asks worried.
"N-nothing... It's fine, I'm okay. "
"How come you're late? Are you sure you're okay?"
"I'm fine, I swear. It doesn't matter. Let's just get to class.."
There's a dull ache in my knee. The pain is much better than earlier, which is good. I assumed that whatever happened was just temporary. However, I discovered I was very wrong once I put weight on it. I yelped in pain and fell to the ground, dropping my things once again.
"Did you hurt yourself or something? I could bring you to the nurse so you could call home. "
"No, I'll be okay. I swear."
"Armin, you can barely walk. How are you going to make it six more periods? Who did this to you?"
"No one. I'm just clumsy. I rammed into you this morning. I fall a lot."
"Okay.." He says, clearly not believing my "I'm just clumsy" excuse.
It takes a little while, but we finally make it to the office where I'm taken into a small room with a couple cots and a fridge. I'm sat down on one of the cots and given a baggie full of ice to place on my knee. I'm told that I should probably not walk on it for the rest of the day and go to the doctor if it doesn't get better.
I look at the floor sadly. How will I get home? My grandfather is out of town and I don't take the bus. I can barely walk and I wouldn't have gotten myself into this mess if I hadn't tried standing up for myself.
"You okay?" Eren asks, sitting beside me.
"Yea, I'm okay." I lie.
"Are you sure? You look a bit upset."
"It's just... I'm not sure how I'll get home. I don't have anyone to pick me up."
"Do your parents work far from here?"
"Well, no... I don't have parents." I say sadly.
"Oh, oh my god, I'm so sorry. I... I know how you feel, actually. My dad died recently. Dealing with the death of a family member is hard, even though I was never close with him."
"It's been about five years for me. I'd rather not talk about it." I say.
"Wait, who do you live with?"
"My grandfather, but he's almost always out of town for work. It gets a bit lonely."
"Well, maybe you can stay here until school ends and I could have my mom pick us both up. Where do you live?"
"Oh, thank you. I really appreciate that. I live on Sina road. It's by the library."
"Really?" Eren says, excited. "I just moved on that street! That's so cool."
"Yea, it is. Thanks for offering a ride. Really, it means a lot to me."
"No problem! It's the least I could do for a friend."
That word. It hit me hard, not in a bad way, though. I paused, not sure how to respond to that. I brought my hand up to my mouth and felt tears welling up in my eyes.
"Are you okay?" Eren asks. "Was it something I said?"
"I... I never thought I'd hear someone call me their friend."
His eyes widened. He seemed surprised at my response. The sleeve of my sweater pulled down slightly, but I quickly pulled it up hoping that Eren would never see that terrible side of me.