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Karma remembers very clearly the first time he met Gakushuu Asano.
It was his first week in Kunugigaoka- he transferred half way through first year, after being expelled from his original middle school. Somewhere like Kunugigaoka, with its strict rules and elitist ideals didn’t appeal to Karma at all, but not many places wanted to take him with his record. Luckily for his parents, the staff at Kunugigaoka were crooked enough to take bribes.
Still. With his reputation and attitude, most of the other students stayed away from Karma, which suited him just fine. He really didn’t have any interest in these dorks any way.
Which was why it was surprising when he was approached one morning by a strawberry blond boy with neatly combed hair, a blue armband and the type of smile you usually only see on the face of the most duplicitous politician.
“Akabane. It’s wonderful to finally meet you.” The boy was stood over the desk that Karma was currently slouched at. “I hope you’re settling in well. I’m sure moving half way through the year can be a scary thing.”
Karma blinked up at him, head in hands, not adjusting his posture or expression. His first impression of Gakushuu was that he was just another stuck-up nerd. A stuck up nerd with pretty eyes, but that was irrelevant.
Karma could see people looking and whispering. Apparently this kid must be popular in this school. Karma could innately tell that he was probably used to being fawned over. He had the vibe of someone used to approval and attention. Gross.
“And who are you?” Karma asked, tone insolent. Why not test him a little? See how quickly he loses his temper.
“My apologies. I should have started with that. I’m Gakushuu Asano. The student vice president.” He said. If he was at all perturbed by Karma’s attitude he didn’t show it.
“Oh. I recognise that surname. You’re the Chairman’s kid. Right?” Karma said. “Vice -President is pretty impressive for a first year. I hope the school isn’t partaking in nepotism.”
Asano’s eye twitched, just a fraction. Karma felt a rush of satisfaction. Weakness identified. He’d file that away for later use. He was sure he would need it against this kid.
“Well, let me assure you. That is not how we operate here. Every achievement is based off one’s own merit.” Asano said, voice slightly tense. “Speaking of- Admittedly, I was a little hesitant when I heard we were getting a transfer student with a rather.. interesting.. record. But you’re entrance exam grades were top notch. You could really thrive at this school. If you play your cards right, that is. If you need any support, please don’t hesitate the speak to me or anyone from the student council.”
Karma still didn’t move his head from his hands and made sure he looked extra bored as this so-called vice student council president spoke.
“Ooh. So that’s what this is. You think because I have good grades that I’m interested in joining your little regime?” Karma said, fixing the other a condescending grin. “I couldn’t be less interested in running around after some spoiled little Daddy’s boy. Sorry.”
Asano’s stepford smile did not falter. “A pity. You have potential but not much more, it seems.” He sneered. “If you’re content with being unremarkable, I won’t argue with you.”
Karma reached forward and grabbed the other’s tie. He wasn’t going to hurt him, he just wanted to scare him a little. Karma loved terrifying pretentious, arrogant bastards and knocking them down a peg or two. Most of them weren’t used to fighting. A few veiled threats and scary looks usually did the trick.
“If you knew how many people I’d put in the hospital I’m not sure you would still think I was unremarkable.” Karma said, gripping the material tightly and widening his gaze. Crazy-eyes someone had called them once. They usually did the trick.
But instead of being scared, Gakushuu grabbed Karma’s hand with surprising force and twisted it back, away from him. Karma let out an involuntary yelp of pain that he would be embarrassed about for weeks.
“My apologies. But I don’t appreciate being grabbed without permission.” Asano said, sounding practically cheerful. “Well. It’s almost time for homeroom. This was a productive conversation. We’ll see each other soon, I’m sure.”
With that he was gone, but Karma was left with a lingering burning distaste for Asano and a strong desire to get vengeance and take him down a peg or two.
That was also the day Karma got paired with Nagisa Shiota in science and the rest is history.
—-
It didn’t take long for Gakushuu to start seeing Karma as an adversary.
A few public disagreements and matching scores in midterms was all it took for everyone else to deem them as eternal rivals; Two sides of the same coin, Mortal enemies and other obnoxious nicknames were bestowed on them by the student body. Gakushuu resented being linked so extricably with some glorified delinquent.
Everything about Gakushuu’s middle school debut had been perfectly according to plan; He had won over the majority of the student body, he had amassed a hoard of loyal followers, everyone knew how strong and smart he was, they all admired him or feared him- or better yet a combination of both- he had a place on the student council and anyone who dared oppose him was swiftly dealt with.
Except for one.
Karma fucking Akabane
Karma Akabane who would pull pranks, insult Gakushuu and other elite students in public, skip classes and still get top scores, would flaunt his disregard for the rules and solve issues with threats and fists, but somehow still avoid expulsion. Karma flew in the face of all Gakushuu stood for.
Gakushuu kept a meticulous mental tally of his wins and losses against the Red haired terror.
Karma managed to spike the cafeteria food with red-hot spices- One Nil.
Gakushuu proved he was the one behind it and Karma gets a month of detention. One All.
Gakushuu gets the highest score on the year: One Two
Karma actually attends PE for once and beats Gakushuu in the 100M dash. Two all. Even though Akabane had CLEARLY cheated in that case.
And so on, and so on. The tally of their wins and losses became near-infinite as the year progressed; countless arguments, run-ins and show downs piled on top of eachother.
Gakushuu had always been so far above other kids his age in terms of academics and sport. He wasn’t used to having to compete with someone.
He had never had a rival before.
Perhaps that was why Gakushuu found himself spending so much time thinking about Karma. About ways to defeat him and prove to everything that the Asano version of strength was superior.
Karma was the total antithesis of everything Gakushuu stood for- He was chaos incarnate, totally unbothered by reputation or the opinions of others, he didn’t follow rules but he stuck to his morals and helped out weaker students. He was a bad influence and gave the other students dangerous antiestablishment notions.
Any hope of winning him over to his side was quickly quashed- Karma didn’t do authority of any kind. He didn’t like how Gakushuu looked down on others, how he would turn a blind eye to bullying if an elite student was the perpetrator. He thought Gakushuu was stuck up, arrogant, immoral. Gakushuu knew these things because Karma had told him several times. Karma wasn’t wrong about any of it. Gakushuu was the angriest and most callous he had ever been during his middle school years.
Karma could sniff out weakness like a blood hound; any minute reaction to his words and actions he would file away to use later. You had to be careful around him.
Gakushuu dreaded passing him in the corridor, because most of the time it was shoulder barges, mocking looks and veiled insults. Somewhere along the line, the dread became anticipation, then somehow, through some twisted mechanism of emotion, Gakushuu became disappointed the times they would pass and Karma would ignore him, too engrossed in a conversation with his little blue haired friend to throw and insult his way.
—-
Karma spent most of middle school hating Gakushuu Asano. That didn’t make Asano special. Karma hated nearly everyone and everything at that school; The hypocrite teachers who only liked him when it was exam season, the arrogant nerds who thought getting good grades was a license to bully others, the discipline committee who dedicated all their time on minor infractions but didn’t do anything to help the students who needed it.
The only person he really liked was Nagisa. It took a lot longer before Karma’s trust issues allowed him to make other friends. Even with Nagisa, for the first year, Karma was constantly hot and cold with him; getting close to other people was scary. Pushing them away was easier.
Karma had some friends in elementary school but they all stopped talking to him after his expulsion. Other people were so fickle; as soon as you caused them problems they would just leave you. Just like his parents did.
But for some reason, Nagisa seemed to stick around, he didn’t seem to be using Karma either as protection (that had happened before) and he seemed to actually like him. It was kind of scary.
His parents were home less than ever and Karma had come to realise the hired help that had practically raised him only tolerated him because they were paid to do so. His parents decided as he was older he no longer needed round the clock staff in the house. Adults who had been with him since he was a baby disappeared from his life as soon as their salary stopped. There weren’t any tearful goodbyes, no letters. Nothing. Karma didn’t matter to them. Only his parent’s money did.
Now he was stuck at that stupid school.
Karma hated it all. Sometimes, he imagined himself as a freedom fighter battling an oppressive regime in a dystopian future. His pranks, rule-breaking and fighting were all acts of resistance, and totally not just him acting out.
Yes. Okay. he was pretty deep into his chuunibyou phase around this age-
But when he thought of life this way, the face of the regime and the dictator of the school could only be Gakushuu Asano. His father may of been the Chairman, but Gakushuu was the face. That boy epitomised everything the school stood for. All the other losers in the student council, even the teachers were small fry. They were easy to threaten, trick and manipulate. They were all scared of Karma. But not Asano.
For reasons Karma couldn’t understand everyone seemed to worship him- sure Asano was smart, athletic and technically attractive but why couldn’t everyone else see how infuriatingly fake he was? Gakushuu might not directly bully anyone himself, but he turns a blind eye to his friends doing it and that emboldens them. In his speeches he always makes comment that helps inflame the already present elitism amongst the pupils, that justifies targeting kids with lower grades. He doesn’t challenge the ridiculous rules at the school he upholds them.
The worst part was, Gakushuu didn’t even really seem evil. He just seemed completely fake. He was like a robot always assessing the situation and calculating the best response. He never did anything uncouth, or made mistakes, or seemed interested in anything outside school work and sports and whatever else would further his agenda. Sometimes Karma genuinely wondered if their Chairman had created him in a lab as the perfect honour student.
Most of their interactions, other than the occasional run-in in the corridors, came from Gakushuu monitoring detentions.
Karma attended his detentions only as frequently as he needed to, to just about avoid a full expulsion.
“Karma Akabane. What a surprise.” Gakushuu deadpanned as he walked into the detention room, a thick, leather bound book in his arms. There was a red band on his arm now- he was promoted from Vice-President to Full-President at the start of second year. The first time in the school’s history the position went to anyone other than a third year (as Karma’s classmates annoyingly loved pointing out in deferent simpering tones).
Karma looked up at him from his desk, making sure to keep that same bored, unimpressed expression. Gakushuu had been given enough attention to inflate his head to epic proportions. Karma had no desire to contribute to that. “Oh. Hey prez. The school still got you doing their grunt work?”
Gakushuu gave him that soulless smile Karma hated. “No rest for the wicked.” He said, before sitting down at the front of the class and pulling open his own book. The Brother’s Karamazov. In Russian. How pretentious.
And so the game began.
Provoking Gakushuu Asano had become an art for Karma. A craft he perfected over two years of trial and error. The only time Gakushuu peeled back his false smile and acted /real/ was when Karma made him angry.
Threats of physical violence are meaningless to Gakushuu, Karma learned that pretty quickly. Karma had gone as far as brandishing a broken bottle at him once, and Gakushuu had just calmly asked him to put it in the recycling bin when he was done playing.
As for actual physical violence, they’d never had a proper fight- just occasional shoving and pushing. Karma thinks he could win. Probably. But carelessly fighting then Chairman’s son might get him thrown out of school for real.
So that left psychological damage. Karma was always seeing what caused the best reactions in Gakushuu. It wasn’t easy making him loose his temper, but it was always funny when he did.
“So. Midterms are coming up. You planning on loosing to me again?” Karma asked.
“I don’t recall ever loosing to you, Akabane.” Gakushuu replied, not taking his eyes off his book.
“I’ve beat you in maths three times now. Not that I’m keeping track.” Karma said in a sing-song voice. Gakushuu’s jaw clenched and he lowered his book.
“You bested me in ONE subject. You’ve never gotten higher than me overall. It doesn’t count as a win.” Gakushuu said. Getting this reaction was worth all the extra time studying.
“Man you’re such a sore loser.” Karma said. “Oh. I also get higher grades than you in ethics. Along with half the school- “
“Ethics isn’t even a real subject.” Gakushuu snapped. “And this is detention. Not a mother’s meeting. Go back to writing lines.”
“Yeah. That tracks that you don’t believe in ethics. I mean, you let your goons terrorise the kids in lower classes.” Karma said. Seo Tomoya had been giving Nagisa issues last week. Karma had dealt with the situation. Hence the detention.
“I’m not aware of anyone doing any terrorising. But Heirarchy is natural. It’ll happen regardless of my involvement.” Gakushuu said, his eyes were back on the book now, he was smiling, as if vaguely amused. “Some people are better than others and naturally they end up with more power. We’re not all equal.”
“We /are/ all equal.” Karma said, once again picturing himself as a freedom fighter and Asano as the oppressive dictator, representation of all that was rotten with this school and society. “Everyone deserves respect. Equally.”
“I don’t think spiking Seo’s food with wasabi and laxatives was very respectful.” Gakushuu replied. Karma grinned.
“Everyone deserves to be taken down a peg or two if they’re being an asshole. I dole out justice equally.” Karma said. He regretted it as soon as he said it, because Gakushuu’s eyes lit up and he grinned like a cat that had finally caught the mouse.
“You ‘dole out justice’?” Gakushuu repeated, eyes wide with glee. “Do you think you’re some sort of superhero?”
Karma could feel his face getting hot. The image of himself as a freedom fighter was cool in his head, but dragged out into cold reality by Gakushuu it was stupid and childish. “No. That wasn’t what I meant and you know it.” Karma said, backtracking.
“No. I think it’s really cool Akabane. So suave how you dive in and ‘dole out justice’ to my ‘goons’. Do you think we live in a comic strip?” Gakushuu said. “You know, you really should hurry up and grow out of that chunnibyou phase.”
Karma was sure he was as red as his hair now. “Shut up. You’re making stuff up.” Karma said. “Besides. Like you’re any better. Who reads Dostoevsky, in Russian, for fun? I bet you just brought that book because you think it makes you look smart. So chuuni.”
“I just think the novel is enjoyed best in the original language.” Gakushuu sniffed, tightening his grip on the book. “I don’t care what other people think about it.”
“Bullshit!” Karma declared, standing up from his chair, then he looked at the way Gakushuu was holding the book. “You’re not even reading it, are you? There’s something else inside- “
Gakushuu quickly slammed the book shut, looking flustered for half a second. “Right. Enough distractions. This is detention. Write your lines or else.”
Karma ignored him, and stormed up from his desk to the front of the classroom were Gakushuu was sat.
“You sit down or you’ll get a month’s worth of detentions!”
“You can’t give out detentions!”
“You want to bet, Akabane- “ Gakushuu threatened. But it was too late.
Karma was stood over him and quickly made a grab for the book. Gakushuu tried to snatch it from him. Somewhere in the struggle, a magazine slipped out from between the pages. Before Karma could read it, Gakushuu leaned forward and covered it with his arms.
“Wow. That must be pretty hardcore.” Karma said gleefully. He really, really wanted to know what the other was hiding. This could finally be his chance to find out Gakushuu’s weakness.
“It’s nothing. It’s my study book. I’m just not showing you because I know you’ll copy.” Gakushuu said. He reminded Karma of a feral cat with food the way he guarded that magazine.
“Hey. I don’t judge.” Karma teased. “It could be MILF stuff, Furries, Daddy Dom, BDSM- “
“I don’t even know any of those stupid mangas.” Gakushuu said. It took Karma a second to figure out what he meant. He burst out laughing.
“Wait. You think Daddy Dom and Milf Stuff are the names of mangas?” Karma asked through peals of laughter. Gakushuu looked at him reproachfully.
“A manga, a comic, a graphic novel, whatever. I don’t even know the difference. I don’t care. Unlike you I don’t waste my time reading pointless mass-produced slop.” Gakushuu hissed. “Maybe if you spent less time reading comic books about Daddy Dom or whoever, you wouldn’t have such a hero complex!”
Karma literally couldn’t contain himself. His sides hurt from laughing. “You think Daddy Dom is a superhero?” He said.
“I don’t care who he is!” Gakushuu barked, clearly annoyed and confused.
“They’re porn categories.” Karma said, breathless. “I thought you were hiding a porno mag, but apparently not since you’re literally clueless.”
Gakushuu stared at him for a moment before his face suddenly went completely red. It wasn’t an expression Karma had seen on him before. Karma liked it. It looked human. He wished he could take a picture.
“I- why would I know about that? I’m not the abnormal one! You’re just a deviant!” Gakushuu said, flustered. “And of course I’m not reading one of those sorts of magazines.. unlike you I’m not a degenerate!”
“Maybe you /are/ reading a porno and the innocent act is just to throw me off- “
Gakushuu scowled at him and removed his hands revealing…
“Aliens? You’re into this stuff?” Karma asked. The magazine was in English but he could tell what it was about.
“No. I just picked this up by accident.”
“It says it’s special order- “
“It’s just interesting. I like to read from a wide range of sources. That’s all.” Gakushuu said defensively. “And- it has a lot of informative articles about space travel.”
“It looks like most of the articles are about nut jobs claiming they’ve been abducted.” Karma said, turning his head to read the cover. His English was pretty good, he could understand most of it.
“Not /everyone/ who has had an alien experience is a nut job. Some of these people are very credible.”
“Are you some sort of UFO otaku?”
“No. Go finish your lines or I really will find a way to give you a month of detentions.” Gakushuu said, still clearly seething.
The interaction didn’t make Karma /like/ Gakushuu. But he did realise for the first time that despite his perfect act, Gakushuu wasn’t just an entity whose only goals and interests revolved around becoming the ultimate perfect honour student. Apparently he also liked sci-fi magazines and believed in aliens. He was a person after all, Karma realised.
——-
As Gakushuu approached his third and final year of middle school, things became even more intense.
Highschool had been something he had been preparing for his whole life, but now it was /really/ crunch time. Longer hours and college prep would mean would have less time for extracurriculars once he started highschool, so he really had to do as many clubs and activities as he could. It was also important to really rack up the achievements in middle school- he needed to get more black belts, grade 8 music certificates for more instruments, win a few high profile sports competitions. Doing those things in highschool was standard for overachievers. Middle school sounded much more impressive, so his father kept saying.
He wanted to finally beat that man. He wanted to graduate middle school with more accolades than that bastard ever had at his age. Then his father would be forced to acknowledge him.
Needless to say, he was putting himself under a lot of pressure and found himself feeling even more irritable and volatile than usual. There was an added sharpness to his tongue when he spoke, his tolerance for bullshit was severely lessened and during football practice he found himself kicking the ball extra hard at his opponents.
So somehow, with all the pressure and stress, Gakushuu forgot the cardinal rule of Kunugigaoka which was ‘don’t mess with Nagisa Shiota or you’ll incur the wrath of Karma Akabane’. It wasn’t like Gakushuu even did anything bad- when he and Seo were on cleaning duty after school that week, he just pushed it off onto some random students from one of the lower classes. His time was more valuable than theirs, after all. Unfortunately for him, Nagisa was amongst them.
So he probably should have seen it coming a few days later when Karma stormed into the student council office looking downright murderous.
Koyama dropped papers everywhere and Seo spilled his tea, both of them staring up at Akabane with horror, as if death himself had arrived at the door.
“A-Akabane what are you doing here?” Seo squeaked. He was still traumatised from the laxative incident. Koyama hid his face behind his remaining piece of paper as if that would be any sort of defence. Gakushuu rolled his eyes.
“Akabane, do you have an appointment to be here?” Gakushuu asked.
“What do you think, Prez? I just thought I’d drop in and have a nice chat about you forcing other people to do your grunt work.” Karma said, sauntering into the room and sitting down next to Seo, slinging an arm around the other’s shoulders. Seo reacted as if Karma’s touch was painful, whimpering and shaking.
“I-If you mean about cleaning our classroom, those kids volunteered to help us. O- okay?” Seo said.
“Hmm.. now I think I’m going to disagree with you on the definition of volunteering.” Karma said. “If you tell someone you’ll get them in trouble if they don’t help it’s not volunteering.”
“Th- that’s not.. I- I- didn’t it.” Seo stammered.
Gakushuu hadn’t picked his virtuosos for their physical strength or bravery, but holy hell, maybe he needed to toughen them up a little bit. They looked like they were going to wet themselves. This was embarrassing.
“Seo. Koyama. Go take a walk, will you? I’ll speak to Akabane.” Gakushuu said. Karma turned on him, looking at him the way a lion might at its prey.
His friends were only too happy to oblige, quickly jumping up from their seats. “Y-You better not cause Asano any trouble, yeah.” Seo said once he was safely at the door, outside of Karma’s hitting range.
“Tell me again how those two dorks are part of the school’s elite?” Karma said. “I’ve seen more spine in a gelatinous lump of jelly.”
Gakushuu couldn’t really argue with that point, so he didn’t. “So. Are you here to throw a tantrum because I asked your little friend to help out with cleaning?”
Karma got up off the couch and sauntered over to him. “You think you’re so much better than everyone. But you’re not. You bleed like everyone else does.”
Something strange had happened over the past few months. Whenever Karma came near, Gakushuu felt his heart pound like a jackhammer and a cold sweat broke out on the back of his neck. He couldn’t be afraid of Karma, could he? That was preposterous.
Besides. It wasn’t like he /hated/ being around Karma. Sure, Karma was a pain, but he could be funny sometimes. He was certainly more interesting than most of the people at the school and Gakushuu had always liked a challenge. If Karma had detention, Gakushuu would often swap days with the other student council members to man it. But just because he was the only one who could handle Karma!
Sometimes Gakushuu found himself wondering what Karma thought of him. He knew Karma didn’t like him, but he hoped the other still respected him. Surely even Karma had to admit that Gakushuu was smart, and strong and surely even Karma was impressed by him sometimes-
“Your threats are staring to get awfully stale, Akabane.” Gakushuu said. Karma was stood at the desk now, glowering at him and once again Gakushuu’s heart started racing.
Karma, apparently angrier than Gakushuu had first realised, reached over and grabbed Gakushuu by the collar, dragging him up so they were face to face. Gakushuu placed one hand on the desk to steady himself and focused on looking as unbothered as possible.
“They aren’t idle threats, Asano. If you do anything bad to Nagisa again you’ll be graduating middle school in a wheelchair.” Karma said, his voice low and dangerous. “Getting expelled would be a pain but it’d be worth it to put you in your place.”
Gakushuu couldn’t help but notice the faint smell of matches on Karma and how warm his hands were against his neck. Karma had a few extra buttons undone compared to usual and he was so close that Gakushuu could feel the other’s breath on his cheek.
Gakushuu’s heart started beating impossibly even faster, so loud Karma surely must be able to hear it. Was he scared? Was it because it looked like Karma was really going to hit him this time? Since when had Gakushuu cared about being hit?
Everything felt too hot and too close. Karma’s lips were slightly parted and Gakushuu could see how sharp his fangs were. For one delirious moment, Gakushuu wondered what it would feel like to be bitten by them.
Gakushuu shoved Karma away as hard as he could, sending the other stumbling back into one of the shelves, books tumbling down around him.
“I told you I don’t appreciate being grabbed.” Gakushuu hissed. He felt uncomfortably warm and his stomach was tingling. He didn’t like this. It felt dangerously close to loosing control.
Karma however was undeterred. He launched himself at Gakushuu and swung for him. On instinct, Gakushuu blocked, raising his forearms to take the brunt of the blow. /That was going to bruise in the morning, Akabane had a killer left hook/.
The second swing, Gakushuu dodged. This was the first time Karma had actually seriously tried to hit him, Gakushuu was honestly surprised.
“C’mon, Asano. Do you only learn defence at those fancy karate lessons daddy pays for?” Karma mocked, his amber eyes were alight, sparking with blood-lust and the grin on his face was maniacal. Despite the situation, despite the fact Karma was literally attacking him right now, Gakushuu couldn’t help but think it suited him.
“Are you quite finished with your little tantrum, Akabane?” Gakushuu sneered.
“Hit me back.” Karma demanded. “C’mon. Don’t be a coward. I /know/ you want to. You’ve been dying to smash my face in from the moment we met.”
Gakushuu really wanted to hit him. He didn’t want Karma to think he was weak or a coward. He wanted to punch Karma for causing him all these confusing feelings. He wanted to know who would win between the two of them. He wanted to show Karma just how good of a fighter he was. Karma would have to respect him the. He wanted to know how it would feel-
Gakushuu glanced at the door. Outside, the corridor was busy. What would happen to his reputation if someone found out? What would his father say about him breaking the rules and getting in fights?
Apparently he had taken too long to decide. Karma walked past him, putting a hand on his shoulder and hissing into his ear. “You’re so boring, Gakushuu Asano.”
Before walking out.
Gakushuu was left alone. Suddenly his knees felt weak. The beating of his heart didn’t slow. The sound of Karma’s voice echoed in his brain.
What was wrong with him? Was he scared? Frustrated? Angry?
Karma flashed into his brain again; The playful smirk he often wore, the intensity of his eyes when he was angry, how his hands were always shoved in his pockets, the mocking sound of his laughter, his lazy sauntering gait. The way Gakushuu’s name sounded in his mouth.
Gakushuu picked up the nearest book and launched it into the wall. “No way.” He muttered to himself, covering his face with his hands. He had tried so hard to deny it. He had tried for weeks.
But against all rationale and reason he had a big stupid crush on Karma. Bigger than any crush he had on anyone else in his whole life.
He would have to take this secret to his grave, Gakushuu decided. This was the type of thing you buried deep down and tried not to think about.
If anyone found out about this he would die.