Archive of Our Own

It was 3am.

The dorm was silent except the two person bedroom at the end of the floor. Muted sounds of precisely delivered dialogues slipped past the door cracks along with a golden light that illuminated the dark corridor. It seemed much like the gate to some other worldly dimension from the outside.

Beyond the gate, however, was just Anxin and Xinlong, sprawled across their matching grey sheets, limbs tangled to the point they appeared like a single body instead of two.

Anxin's lids kept fluttering shut from the sleep weighing them down.

The mattress around him cushioned him in a way that felt like a tight hug on a freezing cold day, and the warmth radiating from Xinlong pressed beside him further acted as a catalyst for his already drowsy brain.

The only thing that still kept him awake was the film projecting on the wall in front of them—the soft colours from the scenes flashing onto his eyes, preventing them from falling closed completely.

The movie was about to end.

The main leads on screen stood close. Behind them, a warm orange sunset covered half of the screen, with their silhouettes covering the other half. They slowly moved closer and closer as the camera zoomed into them, features becoming clearer the further they leaned in, and their lips finally met in a tender kiss.

Anxin blinked his eyes rapidly, feeling himself awaken. The weight of Xinlong next to him suddenly starting to feel heavier, hotter.

He moved his head higher up on Xinlong's arm and  brought his hand up to take off the glasses he had on. He reached his hand back to put the frame on the space above his headboard, then he lifted his eyes to look at Xinlong, who seemed to already be half asleep.

He slowly plucked his head away from Xinlong's arm so as to not disturb him and looked at his profile bathed in the warm golden light of the movie sunset. The honeyed skin made him seem even more breathtaking than usual.

His eyes traced the outline of the other's lashes, to the bridge of his nose and down the curve of his lips—where his gaze stuttered—before he repeated the motion from the beginning again.

His heart squeezed in a way far too dangerous. The pull tugging him towards the other awfully risky.

The situation no longer felt like their casual movie nights.

Or maybe their movie nights had never been casual in the first place.

After all, who would watch romantic movies with their best friend, secluded with the other, on beds joined together with bodies pressed even closer? Breathing in sync between hushed whispers and soft giggles? And tender glances filling the moments when it got too silent?

It was never casual. Nothing about them was.

But, it was normal.

As normal as the day falling into night.

Anxin and Xinlong—always together. Always close. Always orbiting close like the Earth does the Sun.

It was the natural order of things.

To Anxin, Xinlong was his Sun; his brightest star. The existence his world started revolving around before he had even realised it.

On nights like these, Anxin would always blame these feelings wrapping his heart on how tired he was, or rationalise the ache as just him being caring of his friends—just his usual.

But deep down, he knew, of course. He knew the ache in his chest wasn't just care born out of friendship. It was a lot more. More than he was allowed to feel for a band mate.

The screen across them dulled as the ending credits rolled down, but Anxin's eyes remained on Xinlong's face. Still gazing his features that were now dimly lit by the decorative lamp in the corner of their room.

He looked at the other's lips again as the kiss scene from earlier played in his head, and before he could think and stop himself, his mouth moved on its own—

"Xinlong," Anxin let out—the gentlest whisper of his name.

But Xinlong heard him. He always did.

He hummed, lashes fluttering prettily as he tried to blink the sleep away and turned to look at Anxin seated beside him.

"Did you like the movie?"

A smile spread across Xinlong's face after hearing the question. "I lost focus of what was happening an hour ago, honestly. All I made out was that the cinematography seemed pretty, and the soundtrack was nice."

Anxin's eyes melted further into the most tender gaze humanly capable. "Did you see the last scene?"

Xinlong tilted his head, trying to recall if he remembered something. "No? I don't think so. I am sorry."

"Don't be sorry. I bet I lost focus even before you, but I did see the last scene," Anxin exhaled, looking into Xinlong's eyes and trying not to get lost in the chocolatey sea. "It ended with the two leads finally kissing each other."

"Oh, that's nice. They really made sure it was a slow burn, huh?" Xinlong retorted thoughtlessly. Too tired to form a reply more complex.

"Yeah," Anxin mumbled. The drowsiness that engulfed him prior was long gone and replaced by the all-consuming feeling squeezing his heart.

His eyes fell to Xinlong's lips again.

When he woke up after tonight, he would blame the things he was saying on being too tired. "Have you ever kissed someone, Long?"

"Sorry, what?" Xinlong questioned, eyebrows pinching in puzzlement because he clearly must have heard something wrong?

"Have you kissed someone before?"

Xinlong stared at him with eyes now open as wide as saucers. All traces of sleep gone in an instant as a blush slowly spreading down his face. "I have not..."

"I have not either," Anxin softly responded.

The air around the two immediately shifted to something more heavy and electric. The tension crackling sharp like lightning. Hearts beating loudly in their chest.

Anxin could not blame what he was about to say on being sleepy again this time because at this point, he was fully awake.

He subconsciously leaned into Xinlong's space–pushing through the last delicate boundary that remained between them, and dangerously kept them from crossing over a limit that would turn this all into something far too complicated and intricate to unweave theirselves out of.

He opened his mouth and shred that boundary into two. "Do you want to try? With me?"

Xinlong felt something in his head crash and explode. His brain shut down, and he stared at the younger, blinking robotically. He opened his mouth supposedly to speak, but nothing came out, and he continued staring with his jaw fallen apart.

Anxin felt his heart dropping lower, the longer the silence resumed.

Eventually, the panic settled in, and he clambered to put some distance between the two of them like he had been burned. He glided over to his side of the bed and nervously smiled.

"I meant it in the sense that- we can practice together! For experience! In a totally educational way like... just so we aren't completely clueless when we actually want to kiss someone, you know?" Anxin chuckled weakly, his nerves on the edge as he feigned fake confidence to try and save the situation with the worst explanation he had ever made up.

Xinlong blinked multiple more times as if restarting his brain. His mind finally started to churn again as the thoughts reformed. "Is this....a joke, Anxin?" he questioned carefully, apprehensive gaze directed at the other.

Anxin's breathing stuttered, scrabbling his brain for the safest option— "No! I am serious. But of course, you are free to say no!" he dug his nails into his palm to not start shaking and cursed himself in the head for missing the chance to play it all off as a joke.

Wow. It's over. It's so fucking over.

He was weighing his options now: Leave the country and go on a hiatus, or just throw himself off the rooftop rightaway?

He took shallow anxious breaths in fear of the impending doom; Not having a hint about the storm raging through Xinlong's heart at this same moment.

Xinlong next to him scanned their room, trying to process this situation that he had thought could only ever occur in his dreams.

He shut his eyes as if seriously contemplating the offer, and Anxin's unsteadily falling heartbeat picked up at the realisation.

He had fully expected Xinlong—at best—to just immediately say no, laugh at the question, and then turn around to go back to sleep.

"But if neither of us have any prior experience, how would this work?" Xinlong questioned cautiously after deep thought.

Anxin had the very strong urge to look around for the cameras, because what the fuck. This all had to be a prank, right? Or a dream?

But Xinlong kept looking at him, anticipating an answer, and Anxin clutched his own thigh, realising all of this was very real.

Xinlong was real.

And he had just put forward an offer to kiss the very real man, as practice, and said man was seriously contemplating that offer too.

He dug his nails into his thigh, under the blanket, as hard as he could to stop the string of curses coursing through his head at 100mph, and the curses slowly replaced themselves with a gradual revelation.

This was a divine intervention.

It was his chance to kiss Xinlong without any consequences. Without having to rip open his heart to pour out the overwhelming mess bubbling inside. Anxin would be a fool to let the opportunity slip away.

His brain quickly and very helpfully supplied him with a reasoning he could use, and he moved closer to Xinlong again, hand slipping onto the other's thigh.

"You see, that's kind of the point! If neither of us have any experience, we can learn and grow our skills together without it being scary. Because we don't have any expectations to meet exactly, right? Plus, if we ever get into a relationship, it would be a good idea to have some experience this way, and with how busy we will be as idols now, the only chance we have of kissing someone is limited among ourselves, really."

Xinlong was blinking at him like a scared cat, and Anxin was also very scared, if not more, but now, he really, really badly wanted to kiss the other.

Please say yes. Please. Please. Please.

Xinlong's hand hovered awkwardly over Anxin's on his thigh, before he hesitantly laid it down.

"Are you sure about this, Xin?"

Anxin nodded, his desire for the other overriding his fear.

"I am willing to try, but....will this not make things awkward between us?" Xinlong nervously questioned further.

Hearing the question, something clicked in Anxin's brain, and the latent fear occupying his subconscious, presented itself back in full force at the forefront of his mind.

He's right, fuck. What if this makes my crush worse? And what if it ruins our friendship? I am done for.

His thought formation was back at 100mph. His mind started to supply him with another million possible things that could go wrong during, and even more so after the kiss.

Anxin had grown up confident in his innate skills. Always being known as the ace at anything he tried. Always above average. Always so good that no one believed he was trying something for the first time. He did not know whether that gift applied to this too. He prayed it did because sure, Xinlong did not have any prior experience, and hence (like he had said), no expectations to be met, but what if he was somehow so bad that Xinlong started to hate him and cursed him for the rest of his life for ruining his first kiss?

Anxin's nerves twisted even more at the realisation. His first kiss, and he's willing to give it to me.

His hearing muffled for a bit, and he experienced his vision blur. He was scared he would pass out now before he even got to kiss Xinlong.

His head was close to exploding from the overthinking, but he was saved by Xinlong calling out his name—

"Anxin.... I didn't mean to scare you. It's okay. It will probably be okay, yeah? Let's try once."

Xinlong's voice was so kind and soft as he reassured Anxin, and the honeyed voice melted his brain into this sugary syrup until all the fear was gone, and his only thought was just—Xinlong—and his tender gaze, and his sinfully inviting lips.

Anxin had no idea Xinlong wanted this just as badly as him.

He seemed calmer than Anxin on the surface, but his mind was so loud, heart even louder—it almost hurt, and he was afraid it would be audible outside.

Anxin was still slightly dizzy, but he forced himself to focus on the present situation.

Xinlong. Me. Kiss. Now. 

His brain—currently as helpful as a toddler's—supplied him with the very useful four word analysis of the current situation, and he looked at Xinlong who was waiting for him to do, or say something. His lashes cast soft shadows on his blushed cheeks, lining dark eyes with dilated pupils as he looked directly at Anxin with the most mesmerising eyes he had ever seen—and Anxin's body responded to the gaze immediately.

Anxin moved onto his lap and pushed him back against the headboard, making Xinlong gasp at the sudden action.

"Can I kiss you, Long?"

Xinlong's lips barely fell apart to give his consent, and he immediately closed his eyes, waiting for the warmth to surround his lips.

Almost a minute passed, and Xinlong slowly opened his eyes, one after the other, feeling absolutely nothing but the consistent weight of Anxin on his lap. He looked at the other, who had a dazed expression on his face as he stared Xinlong down.

"When do you kiss me?" Xinlong questioned, the impatience clear in his tone now.

Anxin blinked once. Twice. And then—

"Now."

He leaned in, and Xinlong's eyes went wide, before he instantly closed them shut, after he sensed the other's face get close enough to feel his warm breath.

He could sense Anxin's hesitancy in the way he first touched his face softly with his fingertips, and he dissolved into the wooden headboard behind him just as the other finally pressed ahead, and their lips molded in a shy kiss.

Xinlong's brain positively exploded.

It was like someone set a million fireworks inside his head, all at the same time.

He felt every inch of his body burn like fire. Feeling the existence of every limb and muscle more profoundly—like he had just been reborn and stepped into this world  for the first time. He lost all strength in his arms, and loosely let them wrap around Anxin's waist.

His senses were heightened to every little touch from the younger on top of him, and his breathing turned manual as he tried to calm himself down.

He could feel Anxin's lips moving so gently against his, and his heart churned at every little nibble he felt. Anxin was good at this. Really good.

Or maybe Xinlong just liked him so much that every touch from him was like heaven's embrace.

He did his best to reciprocate the actions.

Do it like the movies. Do it like you have seen in the movies. Do it like the- fuck me. I should have watched the full movie today. Fuckfuckfuck. Why do I suddenly not remember anything I have seen-

His thoughts went static when Anxin's tongue licked his lower lip, and his vision faded for a second, almost blacking out mid makeout.

His hold around the other tightened, more so as a way to hold himself together.

One of his fingers had slipped under the other's shirt, which was slightly hiking up his waist, and Anxin's breathing momentarily stopped at the the unexpected touch on his waist; His lips however did not stop moving. He was too scared to actually slip his tongue in after the impulsive braveness, so he continued softly sucking on Xinlong's lips.

This whole situation was something straight out of his dreams. The ones he always had, and refused to think about after waking up.

Anxin was scared that if he stopped now, everything would come crashing down like those very dreams, and he didn't know if he would be able to handle that this time.

He didn't know what tricks his brain was playing on him either, because this felt so real.

And it felt so good.

Like his body had been made for this—for Xinlong—and he couldn't stop taking, and taking, and taking. His heart—a greedy black hole—which only wanted more.

Their lips separated for a moment to breathe, and Xinlong gasped out Anxin's name. The tenderness of the voice made Anxin, who was about to lean back in for more, freeze in his place.

The Xinlong of his dreams, the one who had kissed him a dozen times before, would never call his name like this. Never have this intoxicating sweetness in his speech which he had just heard. His brain being forever incapable of recreating the affection in Xinlong's words in the world of his dreams.

The re-realisation that this really wasn't a dream, made his head start to spin again lightly.

The fear that he was being too much for his Long-ge, made him lean away ever so slightly, and then pull off of him to look at the man.

Xinlong opened his eyes as well, feeling Anxin back away from him. He had to rein in his urge to pull him back into his space and keep him there forever.

His brain was all fuzzy and light, and the only thing he could think of as he stared, entranced, into the other's empyrean eyes, which held his entire universe in them—was how Anxin's hands had felt on him, how his lips had burnt against his own, and how badly he wanted to feel it all again.

He put his hands on the younger's shoulders to pull him back like he had wanted, controlled by the desire that had boiled its way onto his tongue and into his brain.

"Anxin-ah."

Anxin's brain shocked itself into alertness. He hummed softly in response to show he was listening.

"I want- I need more. Can we do it again?"

Okay so, Anxin might die.

Scratch that. He was dying.

His throat was so dry, and his heart was beating so intensely that he was sure it would pop out through his ribs any second now.

He smiled and nodded so frantically, his head almost snapped off his neck.

"Of course. For practice!? We need to practice more!" he rationalised out loud, more to reassure himself and make sense of the situation for his microwaved brain than for Xinlong to hear.

Xinlong's repsonse was to grab his hand and rear the flustered male back onto his lap.

Anxin stared into the glassy eyes of his gege, still shocked from the action, only for Xinlong to pull him into another kiss by the collar of his shirt, further attacking his currently unstable and perpetually Xinlong filled heart.

This time, Xinlong licked his lips, feeling more confident and being just as greedy for the other.

He had no idea what he was doing, but his body responded to Anxin so well, it slightly terrified him.

He licked into the younger's mouth once, drinking the sweet gasps he let out, and fighting the urge to put his hands in places he shouldn't be putting right now.

He chose the safest seeming option and moved his hand up to weave into his soft hair, tugging the strands weakly.

Not knowing what to do with his tongue anymore, he pulled back slightly, and they went back to locking their lips in the way it had become familiar.

Time seemed to have stopped, and Xinlong kissed Anxin for so long, his lips went numb, and the other's weight on top of him started seeming like it had become a part of him.

When they finally parted about twenty minutes later, their insides were blazing and skin was flushed bright pink.

Xinlong's hands were now rested on the other's lap and his forehead was pressed against his shoulder.

The sound of their heavy breathing, trying to fill their lungs again, was currently the only noise in the room.

"We will do this again, right?" Xinlong questioned hopefully, breaking the silence after a while. His head still resting on Anxin.

"Of course!" Anxin immediately responded and slapped himself internally for sounding so excited. "..because we still need more practice obviously."

Xinlong felt a stab in his heart.

Right. This is just practice. That's all it is to him.

Xinlong was good at schooling his expressions, but Anxin was even better at reading him. If he could see Xinlong right now, he would have noticed the change on his face immediately.

"Yeah, for practice," Xinlong repeated lowly, and lifted his head to show Anxin his best forced smile.

Anxin was looking at their hands laid on his lap, and missed again how Xinlong's smile did not reach his eyes.

"So," Anxin started, "we can arrange another session like...tomor-" he paused, thinking how obviously desperate he would sound if he proposed another session so soon. He made eye contact with the other again– "Or next week! If that's all good with you?"

It pained him to say it, knowing he so badly wanted to kiss the other that he would have asked for it again now, if he hadn't been so scared of weirding Xinlong out.

Xinlong, who wanted Anxin just as much, felt his heart ache with the disappointment. He did not want to wait that long, but he would take it whatever way Anxin was willing to give.

"That's okay with me."

It will never be not okay when it comes to you—was left unsaid.

Anxin noticed the disappointment in Xinlong's voice and his eyebrows twitched slightly in worry. "Long, is something wron-"

Xinlong startled and almost hit his skull on the headboard when their speaker placed behind him played a low battery notification, interrupting Anxin's question.

Anxin startled as well at Xinlong's sudden movement and immediately reached out to grab his hand to pull him near. His other hand slid behind Xinlong's head, so he doesn't bump into the wooden surface and get injured.

Xinlong blinked at Anxin, whose face was near his again, and the proximity made him blush once more.

Anxin broke into a wide smile and giggled softly. His hand ruffled Xinlong's hair, who protested and pushed the fingers away, now giggling along with him. The soft sounds gradually developed into loud laughter, breaking the tension that had developed in the air since the kissing offer was made.

Xinlong covered his mouth with his hand and faintly sputtered between squeeky laughter, "Junseo hyung will wake up."

Anxin bit his lip, suppressing his laugh. His lips etched into a sharp cheshire smirk accompanied by the mischievous glint shining in his dark eyes. "Try to be quiet then," he said, and dug his fingers into Xinlong's sides, wiggling them mercilessly.

Xinlong gasped, trying to squirm away unsucessfully. His body was trapped between the headboard and Anxin. He screamed, now laughing so hard, it was sure to wake up their hyung. He tried to push the offending hands in desparation, his lungs burning from the insistent attack.

After the failed attempt at trying to stop the hands digging into his waist, he changed strategies. His hands changed paths, finding their way to Anxin's abdomen and squeezing and digging into his most sensitive and ticklish spots as revenge.

Anxin yelped, pulling away and falling onto his back to get away from the counterattack.

Xinlong determined to make him pay, got on top of him, and continued to tickle him into breathlessness.

Knock. Knock.

The two froze in place. Heads moving to stare at the door in sync.

"Do you both know what time is it?" The voice sounded firm and loud even through the door standing in between. "It's past 4am. Go to sleep," he answered his own question, followed by retreating footsteps replacing the sound of his speech.

Xinlong whipped his head around to look at the time displaying on the digital clock, and he groaned, weight dropping on top of Anxin.

Anxin simultaneously, was desperately gripping the bedsheet around him, trying his best to not start laughing again. Junseo had already scolded them once. He did not want to disturb their exhausted hyung again and make him mad.

Considering also that it really was late. The time was now closer to 5am then it was to 4. The cherry on top was the fact that they had to be up in less than two hours to get ready for a variety show shooting.

"We should go to sleep. Like actually," Xinlong said in acceptance, getting off of the other's body and plopping on his side of the bed like some toy that had its battery run all out.

Anxin shifted to get into his own place and then snuggled closer to Xinlong, who adjusted his arm under the other's head without being asked. Anxin had always loved sleeping on Xinlong's arm. His right arm moved to drape securely around Xinlong's defined waist, and he smiled, soft and content, with the other's heat spreading to him like hot chocolate until it lulled him to dreamland.

☆☆☆

The next day progressed as normal as every other day before their kiss. The sole thing that had changed was the lingering glances directed at each other's lips—only when the other wasn't looking.

When they got back to their dorm after the end of the schedule, Xinlong went to take a shower first (because Anxin insisted he go first for once. Xinlong would almost always let him shower first), and Anxin sat down in front of their PC, staring at the blinking cursor in the empty search bar with clear intent.

He made sure the incognito tab was open because he would die from embarrasment if Xinlong accidentally saw this in the search history.

His fingers trembled over the keyboard as he let the sound of the water running in their attached bathroom extinguish the fire flaring through his nerves.

When the calm finally washed through his brain, he typed in the thought that had been plaguing his mind all day long: How to kiss better as a beginner.

He wanted to be good for Xinlong. He wanted to be remembered. He wanted his touch to linger and haunt his dreams. He wanted to be the best. The best he would ever have—the standard. The one Xinlong would miss if someone else dared to touch him.

He wished he had more experience in kissing to do as such and make Xinlong's experience better.

However, he was glad Xinlong was his first kiss, and ecstatic three times as much that he was Xinlong's first as well. He wanted the man to have all of his firsts. He would never have it any other way.

He just wished he could download the perfect kissing techinque directly onto his brain, or just magically learn how to kiss without actually having to kiss someone else. The idea of seriously getting intimate that way to anyone, who wasn't Xinlong, made him uneasy.

His only hope now were strangers on the Internet, who shared their ways for clueless people like him.

His eyes scanned the list of links displaying on the screen after the webpage loaded. He scrolled past the videos, not risking watching something like this on a big screen while Xinlong was just a few steps away, and clicked on the first article.

https://www.wikihow.com/Kiss.
[How to Kiss (with Pictures)]

Anxin scrolled down, skipping through the first part with the unneeded advice on how to initiate a kiss. He already had that sorted out.

Part 2: Kissing Technique

Tip 1 > Keep your lips relaxed.

Anxin knew that. He could do that. He exhaled and scrolled to the next step.

Tip 2 > Start slow with soft gentle kisses, if your partner seems receptive, you can get more passionate with it.

Anxin blinked at the screen. Getting flashbacks to Xinlong who seemed to be very receptive when they kissed last time. He even initiated the second kiss.

A content smile spread across his lips. He must have been doing at least something right for Xinlong to have enjoyed it so much? A mental note popped up in his head to assure him that his streak at innately being above average at anything he did, remained intact.

He moved onto the next tip with more confidence.

Tip 3 > Try a 'lip lock'

 

They tried that already, he thought.

His eyes locked on the picture attached before the text: A drawing focused on the lips of two people, sandwiched between each other's.

His mind inserted Xinlong and himself into the photo, the lips started to move, and his eyes widened. He scrolled past quickly, and shook his head violently, waving the illusion with a soft blush scattered along his cheeks.

Tip 4 > Make sure to breathe.

Anxin took that as a reminder to take a moment and take a few deep breaths to clear his mind.

Tip 5 > Put your hands to good use. Place your hands around their shoulders or waist. You can also put your hands on their face or use it to tilt their chin upwards.

Or! > Try this killer move: put both hands around the back of your partner's head and tangle them in their hair, gently pulling.

Anxin's brain very kindly reminded him of Xinlong's hands tangled in his hair, and the phantom pull on the strands returned, making a shiver run down his spine.

It wasn't fair, he thought. It wasn't fair how Xinlong somehow already knew all of this. How did these so called killer moves come to him all naturally while he was stuck not knowing what to do with his hands, or his lips, or anything when he kissed the other. Maybe he wasn't as 'above average' at this whole thing as he had just assumed.

He had also realised by this point that everything he had read so far wasn't exactly some sort of "secret pro tip" that he had no idea about.

Because sure, he had never kissed anyone before, and his love struck brain made him act like a loser, but he had read enough books and seen enough movies to know all of this.

The problem had never been his knowledge, it was that kissing Xinlong made his brain became a slurry that stupedifed him to the point of having no thoughts except how good it all felt and how much he loved Xinlong and never wanted to stop kissing him.

He sighed, dejected, and decided to finish reading the article anyway.

He scrolled to the next tip.

Tip 7  > Test using your tongue. Lightly and slowly run the tip of your tongue over their lower lip.
> See how your partner responds. If he or she presses in closer or returns the gesture, you're probably clear to keep increasing the intensity and try French kissing.

Anxin's face burned hotter, reading the last part as he remembered their failed attempt at trying to initiate one. Neither of them were confident or brave enough to go any further than a lick at the lips.

Tip 8 > For French kissing, after testing the waters with a soft lick, slide the tip of your tongue inside your partner's mouth and gently move it against the tip of their tongue. Use light, darting motions and keep your tongue moving. Increase the intensity of the movements based on the response.

Anxin stared at the words glaring at him through the screen. He tilted his head, eyes squinted at the attached image depicting the aforementioned technique.

The image on screen shifted again, and the lifeless drawings on screen transformed into him and Xinlong.

This time Anxin did not shake off the fantasy and continued staring, almost hypnotised, as the vision went on—lips moving against lips, tongues tangled with one another and concealed by the rosy flesh.

He felt his breathing get unstable the longer he stared, and body heating up in all the wrong places.

The embarrasment washed over him a while later, and he shut the tab immediately, breathing uneven and blood rushing to his face.

He barely got time to take a long breath because almost instantly after, the sound of the bathroom lock opening made him whip his head to the source. The door slid open and Anxin straightened in his seat, trying to appear more like someone who was not guilty of having just imagined his tongue down his roommate's throat.

All resolve he had managed to gather, combusted into a million pieces right in front of his eyes when Xinlong stepped into view, in nothing but a towel.

They made eye contact and Xinlong's eyebrows furrowed. "Why do you look like you have just ran a marathon?"

"I was...dancing," he replied dumbly, eyes forced to stay on Xinlong's face as they fought the urge to drift down his body again.

Xinlong's face twisted further in concern, gaze laced thickly with the emotion. "Xin, we just came back from a schedule. You don't have to push yourself so hard. You were already doing so well during practice yesterday."

Anxin not having expected that answer at all, went speechless. The warm ray of care from his Sun, slowly spread through his heart and seeped deeper, soaking his flesh and bones.

His lips streched into a fond smile, eyebrows softened and eyes liquefied into honey pots—a gaze that was reserved only for Xinlong.

"I am not pushing myself, Longlong. Don't worry your pretty head, and go wear your clothes. You will catch a cold." He shamelessly let his eyes scan his body once before looking away, still smiling.

Xinlong's ears turned red at the unexpected endearment, the very obvious teasing, and the realisation that right now, he was infact very much shirtless—naked.

It was not like this was the first time Anxin had seen him like this. They would even sleep this way when the whether was warmer (Anxin still did until Xinlong scolded him, saying he would catch a cold, and of course, Anxin was now using those same words against him), but the current circumstance made heat spread down his neck, and he nervously smiled. "Right," he streched the word, "I will be back!"

He stumbled backwards, dashing into the closet before realising why he had even stepped out into the room in the first place: his body lotion that he had left on top of the headboard.

He squeezed his eyes, cursing himself in his head.

He opened the closet door again, and ran to get the bottle. "Forgot this!" he rushed out—voice cracking—without even looking towards Anxin. He got back into the closet as quick as a breeze with the bottle clutched in his hand like a life-line.

He took his time to get ready and then stepped back into the room to see Anxin had already dissapeared to take a shower.

He sighed in relief and immediately settled in bed, not having the emotional strength to look at that pretty face for a while now. He closed his eyes, his heart pounding in his ears until the beat became stable, and his eyes fell heavy.

When Anxin came outside, Xinlong had already fallen asleep.

He slipped into his bed, and turned his body to face Xinlong, who looked so soft and peaceful with all his features relaxed, as the sleep took with it the armor that he would build around himself to pretend to be stronger than he really was.

Right now, he looked younger than his age—innocent like the boy who had cried in his arms before the finals just because he that badly wanted to achieve his dream. His heart throbbed painfully with the love he was forced to keep locked in his ribcage. The love that he terribly wished he could shower and drown his Sun in.

He reached his hand out gently and caressed the delicate skin around his cheekbones.

Then, he took his hand back and upto his mouth, and kissed the fingers softly before pressing them to Xinlong's cheek again. The familiar smell of Xinlong's shampoo and the detergent they shared, mixed to form this homey sublime scent that made him feel dizzy.

The urge to hold Xinlong and get close to the other, clawed at him from the inside, and his eyes watered just slightly before he forcefully blinked the tears away and turned his body to the other side.

He could hold Xinlong if he wanted. He was allowed that. But right now, it felt so wrong to indulge in his wants without Xinlong having any idea that the embrace meant more to Anxin than he ever let on.

He squeezed his eyes tightly, shoving down the overwhelming feelings back to where they came from.

The quietness of the room felt suffocating and Anxin moved quickly to put in his earbuds and play a song to distract himself.

The earbuds created a sort of bubble around him, detaching him from his surroundings with each note sounding through his ears.

A few minutes later, when the pain in his heart had dulled and the tears in his eyes were dried up, he turned to lie on his back, facing the ceiling. He picked up his phone next to his head and looked at the numbers displayed on the lockscreen: 02:03am.

Despite the aged night, sleep seemed to be the farthest feeling occupying his senses. He was tired, but not the kind that made you fall asleep as soon as your head hits the pillow. It was the kind where you miserably keep tossing around in bed, hoping for sleep to take you in its embrace for hours.

He tried exactly that. Turning around multiple times, hoping he falls asleep but to no avail. He finally decided to sit up, resting his back against the headboard. He turned on his phone and opened YouTube.

Might as well make use of the time.

He thought about the phrasing of the question in his mind for a moment and then pressed search: How to practice kissing alone?

He had already figured out the problem wasn't the technique, but his confidence. Now, he just needed to get it together and stop acting like a teenager with a massive crush.

Unfortunately though, the problem here was also that he was infact, a teenager with a massive (to say the least) crush. He shook his head in resignation. The only way he could learn to be normal around Xinlong would be by becoming confident about what he was doing and for that he needed to practice. Alone. Because despite having considered it, the thought of kissing someone else even just for the experience still made his heart lurch uncomfortably. Moreover, asking one of the hyungs to help him with this would be beyond embarassing, and he would never live down the inevitable teasing.

The videos loaded one after the other, and Anxin clicked on the top most viewed one.

It was a super short video with a girl listing down things you can use to practice kissing—ranked in terms of effectiveness and convenience. What he got by the end of the video was that the best idea was to use your hands, or practice it on a soft fruit. The concept of making out with a fruit made him cringe in his head. How was any of this supposed to imitate the act of kissing another human being? It made no sense!

But his will to learn, made Anxin raise his palms above his face, skeptically staring at the phalanges as he locked his thumbs the way he had seen in the video to imitate the anatomy of a pair of lips. He curiously touched his lips with the interlocked thumbs before moving his mouth against the bony digits.

He pulled back not even three seconds later, making a face in digust, feeling the saliva get all over his thumbs.

This was not going to work, he decided.

He strained his memory, thinking hard to remember if they had any fruit in the dorm at the moment.

"Xin-ah~"

Anxin flinched and froze in place at the velvety voice, whispering his name next to his ear.

"Let hyung help you."

His eyes bulged in shock, and his soul detached itself from its body. He slowly turned his head towards Xinlong in broken, awkward movements—almost like his neck was held together by unoiled, rusty hinges.

His soul returned with a breeze of relief when his gaze fell on a still sleeping Xinlong, who had his eyes closed shut with his mouth parted and moving softly in speech.

"Ge doesn't mind," he said this time, voice dropping an octave as he switched to Mandarin from Korean like he did so often.

The wheels in Anxin's brain started cogging at double the speed, trying to connect the sentences to guess what Xinlong was dreaming about.

Xinlong giggled softly, thin lips streched into a dopey smile. "Wǒ xǐhuān nǐ, Anxin."

It was silent after that. Dead silent. Anxin stared at the sleeping figure like he was a corpse that had just spoken and defied the laws of nature. His mouth was parted in disbelief, and breath caught in his throat before a half-broken, choked laugh slipped past his chewed up lips.

It was the first time Xinlong had directly said he liked him—in his dreams—which could mean everything, or really nothing at all.

It's not like saying you like a friend was something out of the ordinary after all, and because why would Xinlong ever like him that way? He only saw him as the younger brother, who he wanted to protect, take care of, and guide as someone who had experienced this all before.

Xinlong had made that clear mulitple times, and it was something that would never change.

Anxin's heart squeezed uncomfortably again at the pitiful reality, and he shook off the feeling with a dig of his nails into his palm crease.

He turned back around and pinched his eyes closed tightly, pressing the heels of his hand into the sockets until he saw white stars burst behind the back of his eyelids.

Maybe he had just misheard? Or it really was just meant as nothing more than a friendly display of affection. He did not know, his head hurt, and he did not want to think about this any further. What he didn't think about, couldn't hurt him.

He forced the thoughts out of his head and pretended to fall asleep, until it became reality.

☆☆☆

Xinlong woke up from his sleep a few hours later, but still earlier than he had to for the schedule today. His body was flushed all over. The room feeling too hot despite it being peak of winter with the windows left slightly open (because Anxin liked it that way.)

The dream replayed in his head like a movie. Too vivid. Too detailed.

The image of Anxin smiling at him, holding his hand, and kissing him like it was the only thing he knew. The image of Anxin who had truly belonged to him.

How cruel was his brain, remembering the dreams he wished he did not to an extent where it almost felt like it had happened in real life.

He covered his face with his hands, rubbing over it harshly, hoping to scrub away with it the visions from his dream still clinging to his conscience.

From a very young age, Xinlong was a dreamer.

He had dreams that were too big to hold onto with his tiny hands, too high to reach to from where he stood—but he never gave up. He kept trying. Even when his hope was drained to the point of being reduced to tears at the end of every day. He still pushed himself through it, and now, he was finally in a position where he could say he had accomplished what he had always dreamed of.

But, the human heart never stops wanting things, and while pushing through the last steps to achieve his age old dream, somewhere along the way, this new dream had lit up in his heart—and the flame only kept igniting brighter each day—burning his heart from the inside until it had become impossible to ignore.

Xinlong didn't know if he could have the dream this time. He didn't know if he was allowed to.

He felt guilty for taking advantage of Anxin's curiosity by agreeing to kiss him. Anxin had no idea Xinlong liked him, and he had been selfish, and taken that as a chance to try and live his dream.

His eyes stung with tears, and he closed them shut tightly, squeezing the tears back in.

He had to refuse Anxin when he asks him to kiss again next week, or hopefully, he might just forget and never bring it up again.

☆☆☆

It was only 6pm but more than half of them were already back at the dorm since they only had one group schedule today, and Leo and Sanghyeon had to film a duo schedule right after it.

A few minutes ago, Anxin had left, face all covered up, for a quick run to the convenience store. He said he was going to buy some snacks, but now, he stood frozen at the front door—a big carton of packed peaches in his hand, and his eyes locked with Junseo, who was sitting on the living room couch.

Junseo raised his eyebrows in amusement. "Since when do you like peaches this much?"

"I don't like them necessarily‐" Sangwon walked out of his room right then, making Anxin's dialogue falter— "I just read somewhere that peaches are really good for....."

He blinked. The awkward eye contact with his hyung resumed again, and he coughed, embarrassment washing over him. "For your," he repeated again, begging his brain to cooperate, "your..skin?"

Anxin applauded himself in his head for the save because surely peaches had to serve some sort of benefit for your skin? He walked further into the dorm, taking his shoes off before heading to the kitchen to keep the carton of fruit on the kitchen island.

Junseo had just nodded in response, slightly unconvinced but choosing not to push it any further.

Now, what scared Anxin was how Sangwon was currently smiling at him—like he had figured something out.

"Anxinie," he said still smiling, "I have heard pineapples are better for that sort of thing, you know?"

Junseo's eyes slowly widened at the implication while Anxin was petrified, but even more so confused because he did not know what Sangwon was trying to imply here at all. He was sure making out with a pineapple could not be a fun experience.

Pineapples? He thought again, trying to make a connection in his head. The realisation came to him a few seconds later like a slap in the face, and his mouth dropped in disbelief. "Seriously? That's not what this is for! I just want to eat some fruit!"

Sangwon burst out laughing, and Junseo shook his head, holding back a laugh, clearly amused by the whole interaction.

Leave it to Sangwon for taking it in a way far worse and more sexual than it was.

"Hm, we know! Enjoy your fruits with your roommate~"

Anxin huffed, cheeks blushed at the teasing innuendo. He decided to let it go because defending himself would just make Sangwon want to tease him more.

"I am going to my room," he announced, sulking, and quickly left before Sangwon could reply.

He decided to take the fruit carton with him as the weather was cold enough for it to not spoil even kept inside the room.

He entered the room and kicked the door shut with his foot.

The sound of the shower running welcomed him in, which meant Xinlong was still in the shower. He liked to take long showers at the end of the day, and so he would usually let Anxin shower first, so he could rest without having to wait for his turn. He cared too much about his comfort, and it actually made Anxin a little sick. He wished he didn't care so much. Maybe then falling for him would not be this easy.

He dejectedly put the heavy carton on the table in front of their bed, then sat on the chair tucked against it.

Xinlong would still be in for a good few minutes, and right now was probably the only time he would have today, where he would be alone in the room. His eyes scanned the pack of fruits on the table, and he picked one up, rolling it between his fingers.

He would need to wash it first, his brain reminded him. He clicked his tongue and unwillingly got up with the fruit tucked in his palm. He grabbed a few more before walking out of the room again.

Sangwon was still sitting in the living room. They made eye contact, and Sangwon smiled innocently. Anxin knew the other was itching to say something again, so he picked up his pace, washing the fruits in a bowl and escaping with it held in his grasp like a cat with a stolen fish.

He settled into bed—on Xinlong's side—that was really just his side for name's sake because the concept of individual beds didn't exist to them. To them, this was a singular king sized bed, where either of them could sit, wherever they pleased.

He put the bowl down beside him and carefully picked up a fruit from inside, eyeing its light pink peel closely. He held it in his palm more firmly, and then brought it upto his mouth, biting in and chewing it down immediately out of habit.

He sighed in frustration, and turned the fruit to a fresh side, to give it another try. He moved his mouth more gently this time, like how he would do it if he was kissing Xinlong. It took him two more painfully awkward seconds to decide this was not going to work either.

He almost screamed in frustration.

Thanks to the unpractical online tips, he now:
1. Felt like even more of a loser.
2. Was impossibly more lost than before.
3. Was also stuck with a carton of peaches that he really did not even enjoy that much? He prayed silently that at least Xinlong liked them.

He bitterly ate the rest of the ironically, sweet fruit. He now had to whether he liked it or not.

He had the second piece down his throat, when Xinlong walked out the shower—clothed appropriately this time, sparing Anxin's heart.

He walked to sit on the edge of their bed. The bottle of lotion he always used was settled beside him as he gently massaged it all over his legs.

Anxin tried not to stare too much. He swears he wasn't this lustful ever before in his life—but something about now knowing how Xinlong's lips felt against his had changed that.

After Xinlong was done, he turned towards him, legs crossed and eyebrows scrunched in puzzlement, clearly directed at the bowl of peaches next to him. "Peaches? You bought them?"

"Yeah, I was just craving some fruit," he said nervously, begging himself on the inside to not stutter, "And these are good for skin health too apparently..!"

Xinlong smiled, confused at the younger's current unusual, but still undeniably adorable demeanor.

"I did not know that," he said scooting closer, and settling next to Anxin with the bowl of fruit in between them, "I like peaches a lot though," he finished, and grabbed a fruit from the bowl, beginning to eat it

Anxin brightened up at that. "That's perfect then! Because I might have went a little overboard with the amount when I bought these." His head turned to the table towards the end of his sentence, and Xinlong followed his eyes to look at the comically large carton, even considering it being bought for two people, resting on the wooden surface.

"Okay, yeah, I don't like it to this extent," he said biting his cheek on the inside, trying to supress his laughter. "We will need some help from the hyungs. Both upstairs and down."

Anxin was a little embarrassed, but he tried his best to hide it behind his usual bubbly smile and distracting dimple. "Great! Sharing fruits with the members. It can be a cute little bonding moment!"

Xinlong failed to keep his laugh under control after that. Anxin stared at him silently for two seconds, and consequently also burst out laughing. Both of them got sucked into their usual reciprocal cycle of laughter, before it finally died down when their lungs begged for rest from all the hardwork.

A comfortable silence fell around them, and Anxin naturally put his head on Xinlong's shoulder—matching serene smiles decorating their lips.

Their breathing slowly synced and bodies curled towards the heat of the other instinctively—drowsiness fogging their brains. Xinlong's head was now tucked on top of Anxin's. Eyes fluttering shut repeatedly, trying to fight off the sleep.

Their floor was going to have dinner together today. Junseo had already ordered the food before he had went to freshen up, so he couldn't fall asleep now and leave their hyungs hanging.

A loud knock on their door made Xinlong flinch lightly– "Guys, food is here~!" Junseo yelled from beyond, breaking the tranquil atmosphere.

However, Xinlong barely moved after that, until another firm but soft knock sounded through the wood. "Bei-deul? Are you sleeping?"

The door creaked ajar, and Xinlong straightened up, blinking up at his hyung peaking through the gap.

Junseo's eyes softened at the sight of the two snuggled close together like cats. "Do you want me to keep your portions aside for later?" he questioned, not wanting to disturb them laying so peacefully.

"No, we will be out in a bit, hyung," Xinlong muttered faintly, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.

Junseo smiled and hummed in response before closing the door and leaving.

Xinlong turned his head to the side to look at Anxin laying on his shoulder, and his heart churned. The lamp bathed his profile in a soft glow from the side—lashes falling prettily against his face, making low shadows, contrasting the light illuminating his soft cheeks bones. He looked like a sculpted angel. A dream. Like his dream.

He brushed the hair away from his eyes, and Anxin made a noise, face tugging further into his shoulder. "Xin-ah, dinner is here, eat some before going to sleep?"

Anxin whined, turning his body fully towards Xinlong and hugging him stubbornly. Xinlong quickly grabbed the bowl kept in between them, settling it to his other side, so Anxin doesn't hurt himself rolling over it.

"Come on," he tenderly patted his back, "the hyungs are waiting for us, Anxin."

Anxin opened his eyes at that, but remained wrapped around the other like a clingy cat. "Okay," he replied, pout audible through his voice.

The warm feeling of adoration intensified, and tingled under Xinlong's skin more sharply. He couldn't hold himself back and pressed a kiss to Anxin's forehead, the lips lingering there for a moment too long.

Anxin jolted up, the shape of the other's lips burned on his forehead, and the heat slowly spread all through his face.

This wasn't at all the first time that Xinlong had gave him a kiss on the forehead or the cheek, but all the times before this had been—different—a quick peck, usually with the members there, as a way to express his excitement at something Anxin had said; or when he would tease him, calling him cute, and poking his cheeks, sometimes pressing his lips against them playfully.

Now, Xinlong was just looking at him like nothing had happened, and Anxin's head spun a little. Maybe he was just overthinking it all because of everything that had happened over the past two days, and nothing was really different about it. They are still them. Xinlong and Anxin—known for being clingy with each other.

"Let's go," Xinlong rolled off the bed, and then leaned over and pulled Anxin by his hand, who pliantly got dragged to his feet, still not having fully processed the peck.

Usually after they ate together, they would continue hanging out in the living room, but being particularly lazy today, they went back to their room soon after finishing dinner.

Anxin was splayed across the bed horizontally. His feet were hanging off the mattress, and Xinlong stared at him from across the room, sitting on the chair near their PC.

"If you are going to sleep, then lie down properly, and get in the blanket. The windows are open, you will catch a cold."

Anxin dragged himself up the bed, rolling around to align his body in the right direction, and then pulling himself up to lean against the headboard.

"Not sleepy anymore," he said, blinking at Xinlong.

Xinlong couldn't help but smile at that. "Cutie," he muttered barely above a whisper.

Anxin looked at him, head tilted and eyebrows pinched. "What did you say?"

"Nothing," Xinlong replied, trying not to smile too brightly, but the dimple decorating his cheek betrayed him. "Want to watch a movie?"

Anxin's eyes lightened up at that, and he nodded vigorously. "Yes! And I will pick this time!"

Xinlong shrugged in compliance. "No complains from me. I always love the ones you pick."

Anxin rushed to turn on and connect the projector and speaker. Then, he quickly searched up and played one of the movies he had been wanting to watch with Xinlong since a while.

"Come over!" Anxin patted the mattress beside him, head turned towards the other. "Quick!"

At some point towards the end of the film, Anxin laid down, putting his head on Xinlong's lap, and his eyes started to droop.

When the ending credits rolled down, and Anxin hadn't moved in a while, Xinlong knew he had fallen asleep already. He fondly ran his hand through the other's hair, and pulled up and wrapped the blanket around them more securely.

He hung his head back to sleep, not having the heart to wake Anxin up. He didn't mind having neck pain later as long as Anxin got to sleep properly. Besides, he loved the feeling of the other sleeping on him and wouldn't mind doing it this way every single day.

The last thing he remembered was looking at Anxin's face, before he fell asleep as well.

He was woken up, seemingly not much later, by gentle pats on his thigh. He opened his eyes grumbling, "Is it 5 already?" They had to leave super early today, and Xinlong had even set multiple alarms beforehand so he woke up in time. He had no idea why he didn't hear the phone ring at all.

Anxin was sitting up on his knees beside him, looking at him with his brows furrowed lightly. "No, it's still 2am."

Xinlong blinked at him, beyond confused and brain still hazy with sleep.

"Why did you just fall asleep like this, Long," Anxin spoke, less of a question and more of a reprimand. "You will hurt your neck! You should have woken me up so we could both lie down properly."

Xinlong opened and closed his mouth like a gaping fish, not knowing what to say in his defense before deciding to just answer with honesty— "I just....did not want to disturb you."

Anxin sighed. He had already known the reason, but hearing Xinlong actually say it himself, made his heart melt and swish like lava in his chest.

"You care too much for me," he mumbled, voice laced with worry, but still gentle despite the light ache in his chest. "You need to care about yourself too, Longlong."

Xinlong didn't respond, and just continued staring at him like a scolded kitten, making Anxin shake his head. "Forget it. Let's go to sleep," he said, pushing down on the other's shoulders to make him lie down.

Xinlong winced, his hand flying up to grab his neck, and Anxin's eyes rounded with concern. "Are you okay?" Anxin put his hand on the back of his neck, rubbing the muscle under with delicate but firm strokes.

"Yeah, my neck is just stiff. It will be okay by the time we have to get up, don't worry."

Anxin nodded, eyes still glazed with care, but deciding not to speak any further.

He laid down as well beside Xinlong, putting his leg over the other's and closing his eyes.

"Anxin."

Anxin hummed, opening his eyes again.

"Thank you for caring for me." Xinlong's face was turned away from him now, but hearing his voice alone was enough to convey everything he wanted to say.

Anxin had never been the best at putting his feelings into words, so he decided to answer by wrapping his arm around Xinlong's body as well.

Xinlong only knew how to give love, and expect nothing in return. So, how could he not care? How could he not give up and name his entire heart to him?

Anxin would always care. Just like Xinlong does.

☆☆☆

Since he woke up today, Anxin has been having thoughts. Distracting thoughts. Overwhelmingly Xinlong-filled thoughts.

His brain was fixated on a singular thing: Xinlong's lips.

Anxin wanted to kiss him again—badly—but it had barely been two days since their first kiss, and the next session he had proposed was supposed to be a whole five days away. He regretted his choices so bad and wished that he had been selfish and offered a shorter time gap.

Now, he was suffering the consequences.

He was fidgety the entire day, thinking if he should just throw his shame out the window and ask Xinlong if he wanted to do another session now. But, he needed some sort of excuse. Some reason to justify it.

The two of them were currently sat at their desk, chairs pulled close together for a Korean self-studying session. However, Anxin was lost in his own thoughts, overworking his brain to come up with something when— "Anxin," Xinlong said interrupting his brainstorming, "what are you thinking about so deeply?"

"Oh, I just..." he trailed off, panicking internally, not knowing whether he should make an excuse, or ask him what he really wanted to.

Xinlong just continued looking at him, waiting patiently for an answer.

Anxin decided to be brave. "Do you remember the offer I made?"

Xinlong looked confused for a split second before he realised what Anxin was referring to. "I do."

He must not want to do it anymore. Xinlong thought, and despite having planned to refuse himself, the  disappointment betrayingly ached in his chest.

"How about we do it today instead of next week?"

What.

Xinlong's brain quite literally short-circuited.

He was rendered speechless with question marks visible all over his face.

Anxin panicked harder at his reaction. "We don't have to! I only asked because I learned a new technique recently, and I wanted to....try it out?"

Xinlong's confusion slowly replaced itself with a sour feeling coating his insides. "Learned?" he questioned weakly.

Where had Anxin learned a new technique this soon? Xinlong knew he had no right to feel this way, but they had just shared their first kiss two days ago, and his heart unfaithfully twisted inside his ribcage at what having 'learned a new technique recently,' inferred.

Anxin had always believed his brain worked best under pressure, but now he knew that was clearly not always the case when the pressure was crush-induced panic.

"I saw a tiktok." He hoped it wasn't obvious he was lying. "Crazy timing and algorithm, right?" he added, chuckling loud and awkward.

Oh.

Xinlong was now utterly embarrassed. He really needed to stop making up conclusions himself.

Thankfully for them, neither noticed the awkwardness or embarrasment radiating off the other, being too focused on their own self.

Xinlong cracked a bright smile and nodded shyly. He instantly cancelled all plans he had of refusing Anxin in his head. How had he thought he could ever say no to Anxin in the first place? And if this was selfish, then maybe he wanted to be selfish for once in his life. He promised himself it would only be for this arrangement. "I am okay with doing it right now."

Anxin beamed, realising he was stressing himself out since hours for nothing. He couldn't believe how easy that was and prayed his luck never ran out.

"Perfect! Let's shift to the bed?"

Xinlong's face flushed pink, and he nodded again, standing up to change locations.

Anxin locked the door, then settled beside Xinlong, who was now leaning on the wall next to his side of the bed, his legs crossed in front of him.

Anxin could feel his nerves tingling underneath his skin. His face gradually warmed up as he adjusted himself in front of the other, crossing his legs as well. His confidence slowly started to break, and he prayed his brain didn't lose all intellectual ability like before, when he kissed him again now.

They looked into each other's eyes for a few seconds before Anxin spoke, "Long, you are really okay with this, right?"

Xinlong placed his hand on Anxin's knee and nodded. "I am sure."

"Okay," he muttered barely above a whisper, and leaned forward, wrapping his hands behind Xinlong's neck. "Tell me if it gets too much?"

Xinlong hummed reassuringly, and leaned in, taking the lead to close the remaining gap between them to remove the doubt out of Anxin's mind.

Anxin's heart flipped in his chest, almost instantly rising to pump at twice the speed—unknowingly, matching the unsteady rhythm of Xinlong's heart.

He begged his heart to calm down. He had a mission to carry out and shouldn't be having heart palpitations right now! He needed to kiss Xinlong like he knew what he was doing. Like he had actually learned something the way he had claimed to.

He took a sharp breath and gently licked Xinlong's lower lip—exactly how he had done even before—but this time he did not stop and continued his ministrations, his tongue gently slipping past Xinlong's lip to tangle with his tongue.

Xinlong immediately responded and licked back into Anxin's mouth, and Anxin almost, almost moaned out loud.

He was the one that was supposed to be teaching Xinlong the so-called "new technique" he said he had learned, but instead Xinlong was the one here making him feel new things. Things he had never felt before. He didn't seem to care about who was doing what anymore though. All he cared about was that he was kissing Xinlong.

A warm intoxicating feeling slowly spread from the centre of his body, radiating through out, and travelling up to settle on his tongue like spun sugar that melted into blissful sweetness each time Xinlong's tongue met his.

They lost track of time, kissing to their hearts content until there was a knock on the door, and Xinlong pushed Anxin off of him at record speed.

Anxin fell onto his back, eyes wide in surprise before scurrying to move to his side of the bed.

The door handle twisted, and jumped back in place—the door remaining shut. Anxin remembered gratefully that he had locked the door prior.

"Do you still need help with your self study?" Junseo sounded from the other side of the door. "I think the door is locked?"

The two roommates made eye contact. Of course they had both forgot they had asked Junseo to come help them with their Korean study. Now, they had to embarrassingly refuse the help they had asked for themselves.

Anxin sighed softly, deciding to be the one to do the job because even if it really wasn't that big of a deal, he knew Xinlong would feel terrible for hours if he directly does it himself. "One second, I am coming!" Anxin got off the bed and ran to unlock the door, pulling it open.

"Thank you so much for coming, hyung, but we are done for today already. Just did not feel like studying for too long!"

"Are you feeling alright? You are kind of red," Junseo asked, worried it was due to physically being unwell.

"Absolutely fine! The thermostat is probably just too high up." He made an excuse, smiling sweetly. "And we are just tired, so we were going to sleep early today."

Junseo nodded in understanding. "Alright then. Good night, kids." He waved his hand, throwing a mock salute towards Xinlong—who was still on the bed, and laughed in response while returning the gesture.

Anxin closed the door when their hyung dissapeared down the hall, then locked it back up.

He turned towards the bed again, and made eye contact with Xinlong, first thing, and the two immediately burst out laughing.

He fell onto the bed beside Xinlong, shaking with laughter until it all eventually faded into a comforting silence.

"Let's never forget to lock the doors," Xinlong stated, trying to catch his breath after the exertion from the rounds of laughter.

"Yeah," Anxin agreed, giggling, "we should be careful next time too."

"Next time," Xinlong repeated, soft smile forming at the idea.

Anxin's brain churned a thought hearing Xinlong repeat the phrase, and he hesitated before just deciding to go for it.

Because asking had worked so far, he just needed to be confident. Confidence was key!

"Speaking of next time," he started, "I was thinking instead of planning a specific day now, it would be better if we just let it happen? Naturally? Or when either of us wants to! So, it's not awkward."

Xinlong smiled, tilting his head. He had no reason to deny something working in his favour. "Sure, I am down."

☆☆☆

Jealousy was a disease, and Anxin was chronically ill.

The green bitter concoction viciously boiled in his heart, and he glared at the tablet in his hand, staring so hard that it might just catch on fire. The screen displayed the whole group in frame together, but his eyes were consistently fixated on the upper right corner—more specifically on Xinlong and Geonwoo.

He was this close to turning around to glare directly at Geonwoo, who for some reason was draped all over Xinlong, like he did not have his very own, developed and healthy, muscoskeletal system to support his weight?

Logically, he knew it was because Geonwoo was clingy—like him. He knew he had no other intentions apart from showing friendly affection, and maybe a little to serve their shippers. The pair were quite popular in the fandom after all.

He almost scoffed at the thought. It's like his brain wanted him to seethe with jealousy, because with the remembrance of the unfortunate fact, his imagination played out for him the future of their fandom space in just a few minutes—flooded with cropped clips of the two, and now, Anxin was beyond pissed.

His jaw ticked, and he looked up, his head tilting almost involuntarily as he glared ahead at nothing in particular. The realisation—that they were live—hit almost immediately, and he schooled his expression back to normal, smiling and turning around to glance at Xinlong, who noticed, and returned his gaze with a subtle tug of his lips.

The live ended, and a staff behind the camera setup dismissed them for a short break. "Dance practice starts in fifteen. The instructor is on the way."

The members scattered, utilising the free time to do their own thing, and Anxin followed behind Xinlong, who was now taking a water bottle from the mini fridge.

Xinlong took a few sips, and then offered the bottle to Anxin standing next to him.

Anxin shook his head. "Not thirsty," he replied and tugged on Xinlong's sleeve to pull him closer. "Can we talk outside for a bit?"

Xinlong was slightly muddled, having no idea what Anxin might want to talk about privately, but he hummed regardless and followed Anxin outside the studio.

They walked down the hall together until Anxin pulled him into an empty vocal practice room, and then locked the door after them.

Somewhere along the time where Geonwoo was clinging to Xinlong, Anxin had lost all sense of shame and every ounce of hesitancy—his possessiveness and jealousy taking control of his brain and speech instead– "Can we kiss now?" he asked exactly what was going on in his mind—no filter or reluctance.

"Kiss? Now?" Xinlong questioned, baffled beyond words, and his voice significantly loud. The vocal room was thankfully soundproof which worked in their favour.

"I just think...." Anxin trailed off, working his brain for another ridiculous excuse that he believed Xinlong would still accept from him— "Kissing outside of the usual comfort of our room would be helpful, right?"

Xinlong seriously processed the words in his brain, before coming to a conclusion. "That does make sense, I guess? But, do we just...do it? Here?" He waved his hands at his surroundings animatedly, eyebrows raised in doubt.

Anxin nodded assuringly. "Why not? It's a secluded space, the door is locked, and we have a good few minutes before we need to go back to the studio for practice."

Xinlong did not need further convincing—not when he had nothing to lose, and a lot to gain. "Okay then," he muttered, slowly closing the distance between himself and Anxin to come and stand a very few centimetres away from him.

Anxin's ears turned red rightaway. His heart skipping a beat at the close proximity added with the sight of Xinlong having to stare up at him, despite the minimal height difference.

Xinlong put his hands on his shoulder, and Anxin's legs immediately went weak. His arms shot up reflexively, circling tightly around the other's waist to anchor himself in place.

"Do you want to take the lead this time?" Xinlong asked shyly, cheeks blushed softly under the muted lights.

Anxin was truly in heaven. Who was he to deny its blessings? He nodded, and leaned in the rest of the way to take the other's lips in a meaningful kiss.

A comforting warmth instantly spread through his chest at the contact. He kneaded the skin around Xinlong's waist with his hands and moved his lips unhurriedly, savouring the moment to the fullest.

Xinlong melted against him in response. His weight was being held up by Anxin almost entirely now as he reciprocated the kiss with certainty.

It felt so right. To hold Xinlong like this, and to kiss him breathless—like a secret shared between their lips in hidden corners.

They got lost in the feeling of the other's embrace, kissing until their lips went raw.

This was only their third time kissing each other, but the taste of the other on their tongue had become a delicacy they feared they could now never forfeit.

The nerves and uncertainty present during the first two times, were no longer in the equation. The butterflies, however, had only got more intense, fluttering wildly inside their stomach and winding up a storm that sweeped up their hearts along with it.

Anxin slowly pushed Xinlong along with him towards the wall, until his back hit the solid surface.

The corner of a table at the side, dug into Xinlong's ribs, making him involuntarily bite down on Anxin's lip caught in between his teeth. He panicked and immediately let go of the other's lips. His hands flew up to hold Anxin's face to examine any damage he had just caused.

He frowned, eyes widening in worry seeing the blood collecting on his lower lip. "Anxin," Xinlong gasped, "I am so sorry." His thumb hovered hesitantly over the bursted lip, before it settled on the still intact skin near the cut.

Anxin looked at him with hazed eyes, drunk on the taste of Xinlong's lips. His tongue swiped out to lick the blood pooling on his own lips, and Xinlong flinched feeling the tongue flick over his thumb resting on the plush flesh. His hands dropped to his sides, and Anxin grabbed them, pulling them back up to his face again.

"Long, you are always like this." Anxin leaned in to rest their foreheads together, his eyes locked onto the other's. "I love how much you care for me, but I promise a little cut won't make me break." He pressed forward to take Xinlong's lower lip in between his before he bit down firmly, and Xinlong gasped, body going stiff as the sting slowly radiated into a heat that transmitted throughout his face, turning his skin a pretty pink.

Anxin soothed over the cut with his tongue, and backed away just enough to whisper— "Didn't hurt, right?" Xinlong shuddered, heart pounding heavily against his chest–he barely managed to hum as a repsonse.

Anxin smiled with a new found confidence. He boldly moved his lips to mouth along the other's jaw, his snaggletooth grazing against the skin.

Xinlong felt a shiver run down his spine, and he shut his eyes, hands sliding down to Anxin's shoulders again. Gripping tightly. His brain warned him to push Anxin away, but his heart screamed at him to pull him closer twice as loud.

The universe decided for him, and a soft knock on the door made Anxin back away himself.

"Anxin hyung." After getting no response, there was another knock, louder this time. "It's almost been half an hour. Everyone is waiting for you two in the studio."

"Sorry, we will be right there!" Anxin yelled from across the door. He hoped he didn't sound as guilty as he currently looked of having made out with his teammate on company premises.

Xinlong silently patted Anxin's hair down, which he had pulled into a mess with those very hands. The two did not further exchange any words, and Anxin turned around to unlock the door as Xinlong straightened his own clothes behind him.

They walked out the door, and Sanghyeon leaning on the wall opposite to them, gave them a look that said he knew a lot more than he should.

"What?" Anxin asked, raising his eyebrows at the maknae.

"Nothing~"

They began walking back to the studio, and Anxin huffed, shaking his head— "How did you even know we were inside?"

"I was in the hallway when you pulled hyung in with you." He smiled brighter, the same look still on his face. He turned to look at Xinlong walking behind them, who still appeared very much guilty.

"Xinlong hyung! Your lips look great recently~ You need to let me know your lip care routine, or maybe let me try it sometime?"

Xinlong went speechless, staring at him like a deer caught in headlights, and Sanghyeon laughed delightfully. "I was teasing you, chill! I won't tell anyone." He turned back towards Anxin, mischievous smile plastered across his face. "Just be careful not to get caught by someone else."

Anxin sighed, rubbing his temple. "Stop messing around, Xiaozhu."

"Not Xiaozhu." Sanghyeon pouted. "You are so boring sometimes. I could probably kiss hyung way better."

Anxin gave him a purely judgemental look and Sanghyeon shrugged. "Try it for yourself? I am not lying!"

"That's enough!" Xinlong exclaimed from the back, face burning up.

That day changed a lot of things.

The "practice sessions" that had been exclusive to only their room, expanded in location, and increased in frequency—in intensity—more tongue, more hands, more heat.

They did not talk about how this was probably crossing a lot more boundaries than normal for their arrangement. They did not even know what normal was anymore, and were too scared to say something that could disrupt whatever they had going on.

The vocal practice room near their dance studio became their favourite and most frequented spot to kiss between breaks—it was convenient, easily accessible, and safe. Sanghyeon also helped cover for them when necessary.

Now, the problem was–the more often they did it, the more the chances of getting caught in the act increased. It was only a matter of time before someone walked in on them, all up on each other.

They had a dangerously large amount of close calls—the most recent from a staff barging into the empty dressing room that they had not thought to lock after impulsively starting to kiss on the sofa. They pretended to be cuddling, and the staff did not bat an eye. Perks of being known as the clingy ones.

Even Sanghyeon had walked in on them one day. When they had not locked the door because the other two members living on their floor were not at the dorm.

He opened the door to the two shirtless, and Xinlong straddling Anxin as he kissed him comfortably.

Xinlong rolled off the bed at the sound of the door opening, and fell on the sofa next to their bed with a comically loud thud.

Sanghyeon having seen the whole thing happen, immediately started laughing. "You need to be faster than that if you are going to continue doing these secret makeout sessions, you know? You are so getting caught at this rate."

Sanghyeon had definitely jinxed them then, because the very next day, Jiahao interrupted their late night routine with an uncharacterstic 1am visit.

He had knocked before entering, but Anxin and Xinlong had not expected the door to open right after that. They thought they had locked the door, and were too into it to separate and answer the visitor, or even hear the creak of the door sliding open. It was only when Jiahao spoke up that they realised someone had walked into the room—

"Longlong, do you- oh?"

Xinlong pushed Anxin off of him in shock, and made eye contact with Jiahao standing at the door, staring at the scene—half amused, half surprised.

"Hao-ge," Anxin said weakly, embarrassment washing off of him in waves. His hair was a complete mess from Xinlong slotting his hands through them while they made out, and Jiahao almost laughed at the image.

"Yeah sorry, I will leave," Jiahao said, lips streched in an attempt to stiffle his laugh. He took two steps back and closed the door along the way.

The silence that ensued after the slam of the door was deafening to say the least.

It took about a whole minute for Xinlong to recover from the shock. "Oh my god," he mumbled, face hidden in his hands. "How do we ever explain this...?"

Anxin sighed. "We explain it exactly how it is. I will talk to him tomorrow. You don't have to say anything."

☆☆☆

That night, Anxin built up the courage to talk to Jiahao after their schedule. He knocked on his room, as a formality, and walked inside before even receiving a repsonse. 

Jiahao looked up at him from the floor. He was sitting on his rug—his sketchbook splayed in front of him with hues of red and purple splattered across the page.

Anxin closed the door and sat down beside him.

"Hao-ge." He shuffled closer to him across the rug. "I don't know what to do."

Jiahao looked at him, slow blinks showing he was listening. "Is this about Xinlong?"

Anxin nodded, subtle pout forming on his lips.

"First, explain to me what exactly is happening between you two? I know you have liked him since months now, Xin. But, it doesn't seem like you are dating. Despite the fact I saw you two making out..."

Anxin hung his head pitifully. "It's all because of me. I can't just suck up my feelings and had to drag Xinlong into all of this. He doesn't even know I like him, and I know that's unfair, but I wanted him so bad. I want him so bad. I can not give this up, but I feel so guilty, and I don't want him to hate me-"

"Anxinie," Jiahao put a hand on his shoulder, making him lift his head back up. "Calm down, okay? Tell me from the beginning, what can you not give up?"

Anxin took a deep breath, voice low, but quick— "A few weeks ago, I asked him if he's kissed someone before, and he said no, so I proposed we practice kissing together to gain experience for like future purposes, and he agreed! He agreed and I- We have been doing this since that day."

"Okay, wow. Now, that's...a lot."

Anxin sadly plopped his head onto Jiahao's lap, his eyes welling up with newly formed tears. "Ge, I don't know how to stop now. I am scared he will have enough soon, and then I won't know how to function anymore."

"Anxin, I mean well when I say this—you are being incredibly dense."

Anxin whined, sitting up again. He blinked the tears away to look at Jiahao. "What do you mean?"

"Do you really think Xinlong is kissing you purely for some 'experience'?" Jiahao grabbed his shoulders, shaking him once. "I need you to realise Longlong isn't the type to agree to this sort of longterm thing unless he genuinely likes you, Xin."

Anxin shook his head, his eyes wide. "There is no way! He thinks of me as a younger brother, or a cute cat that he needs to protect or something."

"Xin, love has genuinely made you blind. If you think of someone as a younger brother, you sure as hell wouldn't be drinking their saliva on the regular!"

"But that's–!" he stammered to a stop, his heart beat drumming inside his ears. His brain replayed the night he heard Xinlong whisper a confession in his sleep–'I like you, Anxin.'—his heart twisted with hope.

"Do you really think he might like me?" he whispered gently, eyes soft with expectation.

"I am sure he does. I have seen you both, and the way you act around the other." Jiahao dropped his hands down from Anxin's shoulders, resting them back on his own lap. "You need to talk to him, Anxin. Even with the point one percent chance he doesn't like you back. You know yourself you can't keep doing this forever. Longlong will understand. He cares for you, and nothing will ever change that."

Anxin got on both his knees, leaning forward to pull Jiahao into a hug. "Thank you. You always know how to help."

"Yeah, I do," Jiahao replied, playful smile streched across his lips. He gently patted Anxin's head, who squeezed him tighter in repsonse.

☆☆☆

The next day, late at night after the schedule again, there was another knock on Jiahao's door, before it hesisitantly creaked open seconds later.

Xinlong peaked inside. "Hao-ge, can I come in?"

Jiahao was in his bed, using his phone. He nodded at Xinlong before shuffling towards the wall to make space, and then he patted the mattress beside him to usher Xinlong to sit down.

Xinlong sat down on the edge of the bed, pulling his legs up to cross them in front of him. "I wanted to talk about me...and Anxin."

Xinlong nervously touched the pulse point near his neck. "He talked to you yesterday about the kiss, right?"

Jiahao nodded.

Xinlong swallowed thickly to ease his drying throat. "Ge, I need help. I don't know how to stop this arrangement without hurting Anxin's feelings. It's....helpful? And he seems to like it, and I do as well! It's- it's fun? We mutually agreed on it, but it's got too much. I am scared of getting caught by the staff, and the situation escalating."

Jiahao puffed his cheeks, contemplating on how to approach this conversation before deciding to be straightforward about it— "Longlong, I know you like him."

Xinlong, who had been looking at his lap, shot his head up to stare at Jiahao in shock. "What?! I don't! Why would you think that?" he lost his balance, stumbling backwards and almost falling off the bed, but Jiahao pulled him back, holding his hands steadily.

"There is no point in denying it to me, Xinlong."

Xinlong shook his head stubbornly. "But, I do not! Why would you think so?"

Jiahao took a deep breath before sighing. "These kissing sessions you both do as practice—it's for 'experience', am I right?"

Xinlong nodded frantically.

"Hm, so would you agree and like it even if you were practicing with me instead?"

Xinlong's mouth went dry again, his ears burning bright red. "Well, I....."

Jiahao shrugged his shoulders, leaving Xinlong's hands to lean back on the wall behind him again. "Yeah, exactly. You wouldn't. You liked and kept this arrangement till now only because you love Anxin, and I am not blind. I see how you look at him."

No longer having any words to defend himself, Xinlong's body deflated in surrender.

"You need to confess your feelings, Longlong. Just stopping this arrangement isn't going to solve any of this because you will still be in love with him."

Xinlong's face twisted in dismay. "But he is going to feel so betrayed. Like I used him to satisfy my own feelings, and I can not bare him distancing himself from me. No matter how much it will hurt, I need to keep our friendship safe, and if for that I will need to suck up and hide my feelings for the rest of my life, so be it."

"Ohmygod Xinlong, listen to me," Jiahao said, alarmed at how defeated Xinlong seemed. "Anxin is attached to you in a way that nothing can ever make his heart stray away. A confession isn't going to ruin anything. He cares for you now, and he always will."

Jiahao exhaled deeply, feeling déjà vu from just yesterday, when he reassured Anxin in a similar way. The two really were so alike. Both so anxious about hurting the other that they could not see the other clearly felt the same way. He didn't say anything directly about Anxin liking him back to Xinlong, because if it came from him—it would be like a confirmation, and Jiahao wanted Xinlong to know how much Anxin loves him coming from Anxin's own lips.

"Trust me, Longlong. If it will give you anymore confidence—I doubt Anxin would enjoy kissing someone like this regularly unless he had some sort of feelings for them. Plus, his first kiss has always been a big deal to him, giving it to you obviously has to mean something."

Xinlong looked conflicted, but Jiahao knew his job here was done. Xinlong would come to a conclusion soon, and he didn't know which of the two would confess first, but he truly hoped they did it soon. He did not want to see his dearest didis weeping around any longer due to an 'unrequited' love, which wasn't even unrequited.

☆☆☆

It had been three and two days respectively since Anxin and Xinlong had talked to Jiahao.

Neither of them had said anything so far.

Anxin was gathering the courage and planning the words to say, while Xinlong was still too scared of ruining their bond with a confession.

They hadn't kissed again since the day Jiahao had walked in on them either, and these three days had already become the longest they had gone without a kiss since this whole thing had started.

They were acting like everything was fine—still clingy when the cameras were on, and just as touchy with the members around.

However, the tension when they accidentally sat too close in the privacy of their room was unbearably heavy.

It was the fifth day since getting caught by Jiahao when Anxin decided he couldn't bare to keep away from Xinlong any longer.

They had one schedule in the morning that day, and then were free, and inside their room for the rest of the afternoon and evening. By night, Anxin had become restless and tired of being careful with his every move around Xinlong.

They were scrolling on their phones, and Anxin put his hand on the mattress—the fingers landing too close to Xinlong's, and he flinched.

Anxin turned his head, staring at their hands lying close to each other, before he impulsively took the hand in his grasp.

Xinlong whipped his head around to stare at Anxin with a flustered blush powdered across his cheeks.

"Longlong." Anxin squeezed the hand in his hold.

Xinlong exhaled through his mouth, body relaxing slightly. "Yeah?"

"I want to talk," he shifted closer, "about us."

Xinlong's eyes got wide, panic shooting up his spine.

He did not know Anxin was going to confess. He thought Anxin had figured out he liked him, and wanted to reject him, or maybe he was uncomfortable now and wanted to change roommates, or something worse.

If he was going to get cut off from his life, then he needed to at least confess his love before that, so these cherished feelings don't suffocate and rot with him in his heart.

"Wait! I also want to talk," Xinlong blurted out hurriedly. "Can I go first?"

Anxin blinked multiple times before softly shaking his head in refusal. "Mine is really important."

"Mine is too!" Xinlong retorted, his pitch unusually high.

"Long, let me just say this. I don't know when I'll find the courage to do this again."

Xinlong's heart twisted harshly. "Anxin, you don't understand...I just-"

"I am in love with you."

Xinlong froze, mouth still open after getting cut off mid sentence. He must be hearing things, he thought. He has officially gone insane.

He slowly tilted his head, confusion written all across his face, and breathing unsteady. "Sorry, I think I misheard?"

"I said," Anxin tightened the grip around his hand, like Xinlong would slip away if he let loose now, "I am in love with you, Xinlong."

The world around Xinlong shifted in a flash. The feeling of being submerged under water instantly washing over his senses, and rendering them to a dull flame somewhere within his bones.

His systems resumed and senses returned like a wave crashing against him when Anxin leaned in and touched his cheek, softly calling out his name— "Long." His brows were twisted in concern.

"I don't know how you feel about me, but I can't keep these feelings to myself any longer. From the very first day we met, I have loved you. And it's so much that it hurts."

Xinlong was silent until his only response came in the form of tears starting to flow down his cheeks–and Anxin panicked, hard. His heart twisting painfully within his chest.

"Xinlong...I am sorry. I am so sorry. Please don't cry," he wiped the tears off Xinlong's face tenderly while his own eyes rapidly welled up. "I will love you silently. I don't want anything. Just let me stay by your side. Please. I can't live without you, Long."

A broken sob slipped past Xinlong's lips. "Anxinie," he whined, tears still streaming down his face. He reached forward to wrap his hands around Anxin—hugging him tightly as his body shook with tears of relief. "I love you too. I love you the most."

The world seemed to have stopped. 

The confession took Anxin's breath away, and his heart skipped a beat before picking up at twice the pace. A warm feeling lit up in his chest, and diffused through his body like the Sun itself had been born within him.

"Are you serious?" he asked incredulous, voice kept at a minimum so it doesn't break the spell. His heart was obnoxiously loud in his ears, pumping the blood rapidly rushing through his vessels.

"I love you so much; I could die," Xinlong gasped against the skin on his shoulder blade. The tears continued falling from his eyes, soaking the shirt Anxin was wearing. "You are all I have ever wanted, since the day we met eyes, or even before that? I think I was made for loving you."

"Xinlong," Anxin let out a shaky breath. His face was still wet with freshly forming tears, but now those tears were accompanied with a smile so wide that the corners of his lips burned from the stretch. "Can you look up for me?"

Xinlong made an incomprehensible sound, lifting up his head to look at Anxin.

The contagious smile on the other's face almost instantly transferred to Xinlong, despite the waterfall consistently flowing out of his eyes.

Anxin wiped the other's tears with the edge of his sleeve. A few fresh tears still gently streamed down the sides of his face, and he took Xinlong's face in his hands, feeling the damp, warm skin under his palms.

"It's unfair that you still look this pretty," Anxin said, eyes shining fondly.

Xinlong's ears turned red, and he whined, hiding his face in his hands. "Stop it."

Anxin smiled even harder. He pried the other's hands away from his face, and towards his lips, kissing his fingers with love. "Don't hide from me."

"Ohmygod," Xinlong whispered, his head dropping in an attempt to avoid Anxin's piercing gaze. "There is no way this is real"—he shook his head rapidly—"can you slap me?"

Anxin let out a confused sound, eyebrows creasing. He laughed softly. "I can't slap you, Xinlong!"

Xinlong whined again in frustration and took his hands out of the other's grasp, pinching his own arm forcefully. The effect was instant, and he yelped, skin burning from the abuse.

Anxin watched the situation unfold with amusement and unlimited fondness. "Real enough?"

The blush spread down Xinlong's neck and he spluttered, unable to form a proper answer. Instead, he took Anxin's face in his hands, squishing his cheeks like a doll. "You are actually real..." he managed to say in disbelief.

Anxin laughed again, covering Xinlong's smaller hands with his own. "I am." He pulled Xinlong's hands away from his face, manuevering them shut into fists and pulling them close to his beating heart. "Do you feel my heart beating for you?"

Xinlong gasped in awe, staring up into the starry eyes he had fallen in love with. His gaze flickered down to Anxin's lips for the shortest moment—but Anxin noticed it immediately.

He grinned, pulling Xinlong even closer by his hands. Their upper bodies falling flush against each other with their hands in between.

"I have wasted months already not knowing my feelings were mutual from the start. I can't wait any longer." Anxin's hands shifted lower to circle around the other's wrists. "Can I kiss you, Long? As your boyfriend this time?"

Xinlong became impossibly redder, trying to avoid his gaze, but Anxin tilted his head in the direction Xinlong was looking, expectant look in his eyes.

"Hm?" he smiled, eyes glinting in anticipation.

"....You are serious, right?" Xinlong asked again, still unable to fully believe the situation. "I am just making sure."

"Ohmygod, Xinlong. Yes! I am! I mean every word," Anxin huffed, getting impatient.

He let go of Xinlong's hands, and grabbed his chin, pulling his face closer to his own. "I am going to kiss you now."

"Okay," Xinlong replied weakly, body instinctively melting into the other's hold.

They leaned in at the same time, and their lips closed together with a magnetic pull.

It's like a part of their heart, missing all their lives, had just slotted itself in place and was beaming in their chest like a neon element shaken in a bottle with a fizzy drink.

Anxin's hands got tangled up in the other's brown locks, and he kept the persistent tug there throughout their kiss, until Xinlong pulled away with a gasp. Too soon for his liking, but before Anxin could complain, Xinlong was already moving— "Wait, the door. We need to lock the door!"

He quickly rolled off the bed, padding away to the door in a hurry to lock it shut. He turned back around to see Anxin, who had followed him off the bed and was now standing a few feet away from him.

Anxin walked closer, making Xinlong back away. His back hit the door, and Anxin immediately closed the remaining distance, taking Xinlong's lips into a kiss once again.

When they pulled away minutes later, Anxin wrapped his hands around Xinlong's waist. His head pressed against his shoulder at the perfect height to comfortably do so, and he squeezed his arms tighter together, hugging Xinlong like his life depended on it.

"All mine," he mumbled into the fabric of his boyfriend's shirt, his voice sweet and content.

Xinlong thread his fingers through the other's dark hair, gently scratching at the back of his head with each stroke as if petting a domesticated cat. "All yours," he replied fondly, resting his chin on top of Anxin's head.

A surreal feeling settled deep in his chest, thrumming softly like a low voltage bulb.

Xinlong was glad that despite thinking about it a dozen times, he never gave up on his dream. Because now that dream was resting against his chest, breathing gently, and holding him so tight that nothing else in the world seemed to matter anymore.