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James Potter had a perfect life. They had parents who loved him. They had friends who would do anything for them. They had a good education. They had a life that anyone would love. So why were they so impossibly sad? What was wrong that they couldn’t be happy?
Sirius and Regulus had fucking abusive parents. Remus was a fucking werewolf. Peter was so supportive and actually happy, so unlike James. He hadn’t gone through anything to feel like this, and yet they did. It was so stupid. They were so stupid. They couldn’t help but feel like all of what they were doing was fake, it was all fucking fake. They were faking this.
Maybe that was why they dragged their wand across their skin, leaving blood in its path. Maybe they would be valid after that. Maybe they would be valid after they finally killed themself after it got too much.
That was where they were right now. Two AM in the bathroom with a wand to their throat. Their arms were bleeding from the amount they’d already slashed their skin to skin. All they had to do was say the incantation and slash their wand. Then they’d be dead. All of this would be over and he wouldn’t have to live like this anymore.
They know that they’re being stupid. They have never gone through anything to feel this way, either way, it’s still there and they can’t keep going like this. Every time they breathed it felt like they were drowning. Their head hurt every time they tried to think. Their whole body shook with anxiety if they had to get up and live.
Yet, they still were there for everyone else. If anyone needed anything, they’d drop everything to help. It was suffocating. Yes, they loved helping people but they wouldn’t open up either. They were the sunshine in everyone’s lives. Who were they to take down that charade?
Their wand was still pressed to their throat. The letters that they’d written were on the bathroom sink so his friends could find them easily. They had poured their heart out in those letters, it let them let go. They had nothing else to hold onto now. To say they weren’t scared would be a lie. Dying wasn’t particularly something they had wanted to do. However, it was better than living like this. They couldn’t do this anymore. This was easier, for themself, and everyone else. Yeah, they’d be upset but they’d live. They didn’t care, it was all too much to keep going.
James muttered the incantation for the cutting curse and dragged their wand across their throat. Pain bloomed and blood trickled out. It was done. They sank to the floor, wand falling out of their hand.
It hurt. It hurt so much. At the same time, it was so relieving. They wouldn’t have to do this anymore. They closed their eyes as they started gasping. While their mind was at peace, sinking into unconsciousness, their body kept fighting to live. It was useless, they knew that they had cut deep enough. James would not be surviving this, and they were glad.
They let out a few more gasping breaths before going unconscious, the last thing they heard was someone screaming.
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Ten minutes after Sirius found his best friend on the floor of the bathroom, James died. Sirius had done everything he could to stop it, he screamed for Peter and Remus to get Madam Promfrey. Sirius used every healing spell he knew, but James knew what they were doing. It was clear that they didn’t want to be alive.
When James’ heart stopped, Sirius’ did too. Ever since they met, Sirius knew they were soulmates, they were made for each other. They could communicate with one glance, they went everywhere together, did everything together. Sirius didn’t know why he was still here, he didn’t know why he was still living. Not when James Potter was dead.
He cried his entire soul out. He wished he’d been more observant, he wished he’d seen anything that would have stopped this. But deep down he knew that James hid it, they never broke their smile. He was always happy, to everyone else. They had been planning this, and that broke Sirius more than anything.
“Oh James,” Sirius cried. “I’m so so sorry.”