Chapter Text
i couldn't get ahold of him for a week.
i could barely eat. my mother would cook up my favorites, caress my hair, ask me why my skin looked so pallid and green with a look so horrified i'd almost spilled it all. i didn't, though. she was already worried for me. i didn't want her worrying for him either.
i was terrified. i was sick. he'd told me he was struggling with his mental health.
a couple of weeks ago, we'd sat on his bed, cuddled up against each other. i was hogging his weighted blanket, letting him pull me closer, watching our favorite show. he'd peppered me with kisses, on my cheeks, forehead, nose, lips, and neck, whispering "i love you"s between every peck. it wasn't unusual for him to be this clingy, but it was unusual to hear this many words of affection from him. he was a man of actions. i knew something was wrong right then and there.
i went to bed, clutching the stuffed bear he'd given me. its glass eyes mocked me, a miserable reflection from a simple, happy memory. my phone buzzed. i immediately rolled over, reaching for it on my nightstand.
it was him.
he'd sent a text.
it read: "if i died, would that be enough to make you cry?"
my fingers swiftly typed out a response.
"you know my tears wouldn't dry."
i texted him lots of other messages. i asked if he was okay. i asked him to call me. i told him he could talk to me. i called him, over and over and over again. i told him everything was going to be fine. he left me on seen. my messages eventually stopped delivering. i set my phone back down, my fingers trembling. what was he going to do? i clutched the stuffed bear harder, my grip on it so tight i could feel its pathetic little eyes bulging out of its furry face. i wept, and wept, and wept, all through the night. i had a sickening feeling i knew what was about to happen, and there was nothing i could do to convince him not to.
i dragged myself out of bed the next morning, hair slightly tangled, and went down to eat breakfast. my phone was in my pocket.
my mom sat at the table, looking at her phone mournfully. instead of greeting me with, "good morning, honey!", she stared at me. a single tear rolled down her cheek.
"... did you hear the news?" she murmured. i swallowed, the bile in my throat threatening to rise up.
"... he dived. off the cliffs by the beach. he didn't make it."
"no," i breathed. this couldn't be. it couldn't. he had me. he knew i would never live again. how could he?
"i'm so sorry, honey," my mother whispered, pulling me in for a hug. she stroked my hair, kissing me. "i'm so sorry, baby. i know how much he meant to you."
i broke down right then and there. my vision was completely blurry, and the tears running down my face were scalding hot. my heart felt so heavy as it finally shattered.
my true love, my one and only, my perfect.
dead and gone.
i'd told him not to.
but the pain caught up to him.
i should've made a wish, for my wish, to stay true.
but i know it's too late.
because if a wish could come true, i'd just want him
to forget my name because it hurts.
i wish i could return to those days.
the days before you came to me.