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It wasn't just one single event. Rather, a nagging, terrible feeling that came and went, when people addressed her as *her*. A strange fear of looking at the mirror some days, preferring to avoid it and moving on with her day as if nothing was wrong. The fact that some days she just had to ignore a feeling that her body was, somehow, just terribly wrong.
Rather, it was more like a single moment of silence where everything before it clicked. That's why she could simply ignore all those things. That's why they felt horrible in the moment, but after enough hours everything would go back to normal without even noticing. That's why she had never managed to pin down whatever she was, in the periods where she allowed herself to *consider* being something other than the perfect girl, of course.
What are you, stupid? Scarlett, you're genderfluid.
...
So what now?
...no, no, that can't be right. Look, just watch this: "Scarlett is a nice girl". See? It feels right. For now at least.
The questioning teenager could do nothing but turn her look around the classroom in thought. This was seriously not the time to be thinking about this stuff, the class, right, fuck! She, he, or they, should be paying more attention to the Biology teacher right now, if they ever want to become a doctor and save their mom like ever planned all along. They can sort out these feelings later, right now it's um. What, chromosome time? Sure.
Oh, you damned XX pair.
***
"Alright, so I have to return that notebook to Anri next time I see her, I have to show up this Saturday at school time for that meeting, I have the Physics test Friday, I should take out the garbage now..." recited Scarlett Eyler in her head as she made her way back home, trying to keep track of her responsibilities as a student, as class rep, and as the able-bodied person in her household. Opening the door, she was greeted with the dimly lit apartment in which both her and her mother lived, turning on the lights to... surprise! The same furniture and decoration as always. That's insane.
Passing through to her room, she took off some sticky notes with more menial tasks written down at her desk, and made sure to collect both those and her memories' into her personal little notebook. It's not a *diary*, she'd never have something like that. They're so...
vulnerable.
It's just for jotting down things to do and remember until next time they're relevant. Feels good to cross them out once they're done, too.
And after that was done, she just sat on her for a moment.
To think about today.
There was... something more.
...right.
It felt alien to think of herself this way. She had made sure to be at least somewhat informed on LGBT matters, maybe she would meet someone who could use that information and she would be of help. And she knew she had at least *some* feelings for women, a whole other can of worms. She just didn't expect to... have this thing hit this close to home. To have it make *sense*.
What was she doing? This is ridiculous. She relaxed more and laid on her bed, slumped, taking out her phone. It's better to just go play sudoku or something.
Alright, picking up from another time. Hm.
So these two 4's block all but one spot in this square, so its 4 should go there.
Which is pretty useless to know, in fact, at this point in the board.
Then maybe the 3's...? Yeah, no.
Looking somewhere else...
Actually, now, those 9's look promising.
...
...she can't just forget. She's not going to stop thinking about this until the itch in her brain is scratched. It's scary. But also compelling.
"How do I feel right now...?"
"Scarlett Eyler is a nice girl"
Felt like nothing.
Is that a good or a bad thing?
"Scarlett Eyler is... a nice... boy."
That felt...
"a nice young man"
...
That felt... right.
Oh god.
Scarlett Eyler just stares off into space, at nothing in particular.
Then just lies on the bed, trying to think about many things at once yet not managing to figure out a single one.
...alright, let's take out the phone again, there's a few things he wants to look up.