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“I always loved sunsets.”
I felt like I was stuck in mud, my feet sinking to the bottom and dragging the rest of my body down. Struggle I did not, life slipping from my eyes as if I was rubbing it away.
“Really? What do you like about them?”
The plastic that gradually became warm in my hands slipped out, bouncing on the floor with a hollow tumble. It sounded like bones, falling from my corpse.
“I’m not sure… I think…”
I silently wished you could be here with me, in these moments, but I knew you were somewhere. Somewhere more important.
“I think… I like how they make you smile.”
I turned around in my chair, staring at the monster that held my gaze in the “mirror”. Its blue eyes were gaunt and heavily lidded, the blurry silhouette of its body pale and skinny, as if the skin desperately held onto bone for support. Most horrifying of all, its mop of twisted blue hair, that used to fall neatly into a bob, now nothing but a reminder of what used to be.
The orange rays of sunlight illuminated her face, slightly plump and sweet, with freckles patterning her nose bridge. It was long ago, but I still remember the way she used to beam.
The way her cloud-grey eyes would almost close due to her toothy grin making up most of her face, and how her bangs never fell perfectly across her face. The way her nails were always well kept, despite getting dirt under them constantly, and the way her face fell into a bittersweet smile whenever she remembered the past. She made my years happy, but did I ever truly do anything good for her?
“My smile?” I asked her, many years ago, my cheeks warming up as I looked into her eyes, the clouds churning around like mini storms, waiting for a spark to ignite them. The dying sun's rays fell on her face perfectly, and I could see her own cheeks being red, her ears following in suit.
She shuffled her feet into the sand, watching as the waves came and went as they brushed her ankles.
“Whenever there is a sunset, you always tend to smile.” She giggled, sounding like a thousand crystals clinking together; cheerful, naive and beautiful, “Look, you are smiling right now!”
She wasn’t wrong, I realised.
The edges of my mouth were curved into a smile, distorting my stoic face with emotion I found ever so rarely. Happiness.
It’s so pure, so hot and so exhilarating, feeling it run through my veins like lava.
Like adrenaline.
It never stays.
The only thing left of you was your keychain. The one you had matching with me, remember? You said you wanted the otter, and I said I would take the penguin, and we never took it off our bags.
Well, look who held that promise, am I right?
Acrylic on skin, the smooth surface of the keychain cooling my hand down as you grinned at me, saying we were bound forever.
“Nothing can separate us now!”
I dare you to say that to my face when I saw what was left of you.
Blaring sirens drowned out my thoughts, people murmuring around me only just a distraction. The traffic was coned off with orange spikes of warning, the warm orange of the cones the same colour as your hair piece. Yellow tape, everywhere, crime scene tags, everywhere, blood, everywhere? It felt like the air was sticky and I could taste it in my mouth, but maybe that was a figment of my dissociated imagination.
I wonder if the chimes of the bells calmed you, as you stood on the tracks. I wonder if anyone saw you as you took your bag off your shoulder, and slid off your shoes, your feet caressed by the nulling pain of the gravel. I wonder what you thought, as you heard the horn, you grounded to your spot which you’ll never leave again.
I remember the crime scene tag that was near your bag, left discarded by the gates. It was the number 1, and next to it was your otter keychain.
Scuffed, cracked and broken from its metal clasp, it laid silently, shining the last rays of the day into my eye as if mocking me.
Mocking me that I thought it would last.
Sometimes I wish you told me. You know, about how you felt.
I could see it in your eyes sometimes; that it was too much for you. Each stream, we would be having the times of our life, but I knew you could see their messages, and I knew that you took them to heart. I noticed that people whispered and stared, and I saw the kind and sweet face I always loved falter. Of course, I couldn’t forget the vase, white lilies sickeningly sweet amongst the scene, your tears feeding them to grow widely and consume you. I regret.
I regret.
I regret it all.
I knew something was wrong, but I waited. I waited so long, too long.
Before I knew it, the girl I met in summer with the freckled face…
Was gone.
Like a leaf in the wind.
Bile painfully rose in my throat, but I mustn't let it out.
The room around me twisted in undistinguishable shapes, only the rays of sundown obnoxiously shining through my windows lighting it.
I don’t remember how many pills I took, nor do I care.
It was my fault, it was completely my fault.
I saw my love start to deteriorate before my very own eyes. Her eyes started to bag, the glitter that made the storm within alive now non-existent, leaving a desolate sky of stagnant clouds. She wore her blazer more than normal, and I saw peaks of her own despair painted across her forearms. I saw the weariness in her smile and how it never reached her eyes anymore, and yet, I hesitated. I remember vividly, I told myself:
“If she needs help, she’ll reach out, surely.”
I’m so stupid.
I don’t remember how I got to the floor, but my body jerked in agonising positions, out of my control. Tears welled in my eyes and darkness ate away at the last of my vision, the void inside finally content.
Would I be sent to the same place as her, when I died? Even if I did, I wouldn’t expect her to forgive me. Selfish as it is…
I just want…
To see her…
Once more.