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Max had been watching Charles for weeks. Something had changed over the last few months. His boyfriend had steadily started to go more quiet and reserved, which was very unlike the Monegasque, who had always been so alive and bubbly. He no longer touched the piano and the random doodles Max would always find around the house had started decreasing as well. Max was worried to say the least. However he had no idea what was wrong. Racing was good, the car could be better, yes but it wasn’t half bad. His family was healthy and just a 5-minute-walk away. Their relationship was in a good place. They hadn’t fought in ages and the sex had been amazing as always. So really, Max couldn’t put his finger on what was wrong.
It wasn’t like his boyfriend didn’t smile anymore or laughed less because he still did that. He also still talked your ear off whenever you talked to him. He didn’t seem unhappy but still… something was off. It was on a random free day for them, when Max was watching Charles stare out at the sea, that he realised what had changed. He walked over to him and slowly sat down next to him. The Monegasque instantly leaned onto his chest, resting the back of his head on the Dutchman’s shoulder. They stayed like that for a while, Max’s hands wrapped around his boyfriend’s waist as they silently looked out at the sea. “Baby?” He asked after a while. Charles hummed to show he had heard him. “When did you fall out of love?” Max continued.
“Wha?-” the Monegasque started and tried to get up but Max didn’t let him. “Shh, stay here for a bit, okay? I didn’t mean out of love with me,” he shushed. Max wasn’t sure about a lot of things but their love? That was something he knew was real and very much alive. Charles settled back against his chest but the Dutchman could feel the uncomfortableness in his body. Max waited a few seconds before clarifying his question. “When did you fall out of love with life?” he asked softly as he caressed his boyfriend’s stomach. The Dutchman could feel the exact moment Charles tensed up against him. The Monegasque didn’t say anything for a long while and Max didn’t force him either. He let the man sort out his thoughts at his own pace. Then…
“I… I don’t know,” Charles whispered. Max had known it was true but an intense wave of sadness washed through his body as he heard his boyfriend confirm his suspicion. He loved Charles so completely that it physically pained him to see him so sad. “I… Don’t know what happened,” his boyfriend continued, “Because nothing happened. Nothing changed. I love you, I love racing, I love the life that we have and yet…”
“And yet you are sad,” Max completed in a whisper. Charles nodded softly. It was silent for a while again until a sob escaped from the Monegasque’s mouth. “Oh, baby,” Max said as he pulled his boyfriend even closer. The younger one’s body shook violently as sobs kept washing over him. “I don’t know what happened,” he cried, “I do- don’t want to feel this way but I feel so- so stuck.” The Dutchman’s heart shattered into a thousand little pieces. “Shh, it’s okay. It’s okay,” he whispered as he slowly rocked them from side to side a bit. He kept holding Charles tightly as he waited for the worst of the sobs to die down.
When his boyfriend had calmed down a bit, he started talking again. “You know you are allowed to feel like this, right?” he asked. “The weight of the world is not on your shoulders,” he added. That seemed to hit a cord inside the Monegasque as he started crying again. “You don’t have to have it all figured out yet. You are only 28. You’ve got your whole life ahead of you. And if you need to make changes, I will help you in any way that I can, alright? Because I love you so much, and you deserve all the happiness in the world. But if you want to feel sad for a bit, that’s okay too. I will support you, always,” Max explained as he softly nosed his boyfriend’s neck.
“What if I never figure it out?” Charles asked. “I know you will but even if you don’t… that’s also fine, Charles,” Max replied. “I just keep thinking… What’s the point,” the younger one whispered. That was the Dutchman’s cue to tense up. “Charles?-” he said seriously and started moving so that he could look his boyfriend in the eye. The Monegasque’s eyes grew wide as he realised what Max was thinking. “No, no, no, I’m not…. Thinking about that. I promise, cherié,” he said immediately, grabbing the Dutchman’s face. “Okay,” Max said with a sigh of relief. “I would never ever do that,” Charles said as he rested his own forehead against that of his boyfriend.
“I’ve just been wondering if this, what I’m doing, is what I want to do,” he added softly. Max gently grabbed his boyfriend’s wrists and started rubbing his thumb up and down the skin. “Then we will figure that out okay? Together, step by step,” he decided. “And if you decide that you want to do something else, we’ll do that together. If that is what you want of course,” he added. Charles shot him a watery smile, “I love you,” he whispered. Max placed his hand on the Monegasque’s cheek and replied, “I love you too, so so much.”
“Will you promise to talk to me? About these kinds of things?” Max asked. Charles nodded immediately, “I trust you,” he replied softly and gently placed a kiss on his boyfriend’s lips. He turned back around and settled back against the Dutchman’s chest, just like they had been moments before. They continued to sit there for a long while, silently looking out at the sea together. “It will all work out, I promise,” he whispered.