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I wasn't expecting those words to come out of my mouth. After I said them, the words were absorbed into the atmosphere, my mind trying to remember what I had just said. I was having trouble keeping my thoughts together.
White void. Infinite, spanning around me.
My head felt as if someone placed a veil over everything. Everything was out of focus, but in focus at the same time.
I had no idea why I was here, but I knew I had to be here.
Why did I have to be here?
Everything felt alien. My mind was blank, but I could still feel function. My limbs felt heavy but I could still move them.
Was this a dream?
I tried to unscramble my brain, perhaps remembering what had happened before I fell asleep. Was I even asleep? I had to be, this didn't look like something I would see in the stars.
Nothing. It was a quiet white void of nothingness.
I stood, picking myself up off the glossy surface.
What the hell am I supposed to do?
Every time I looked down at myself, my skin was out of focus. Every time I tried to follow a different train of thought to remember, it would be cut off.
I lifted one of my legs to walk, but it felt like walking through quicksand. So slow, so grueling. So energy consuming.
Once it landed the white oblivion surrounding me showed me images as if being projected on screens. Images that look all too familiar but strange at the same time.
A group of four. Do I know a group of four?
The scene was happy, sunshine radiating content and peacefulness. I could make out smiling even with their faces so out of focus.
One that was a pale blue, just like the Earth sky.
One that held a gorgeous flower, was it their favourite?
One that had a purple cape-like dressing on her shoulders.
I felt as if I had never seen these people in my life, but a wave of protectiveness filled me.
Why am I protective towards people I've never seen before?
Just thinking that I knew it was a lie, but I couldn't prove it. I had no evidence.
My mind was empty.
The scene changed again.
The white screen-like surfaces sprouted green grass and peony flowers. The top changed to a sky that was pale blue and cloudless. A massive willow tree grew, sped up to see each cycle of its life.
Then there they were. Pale blue, but that's all I could make out. Standing below the willow tree lightly holding the vines in their hand. They held a peony of dark purple in their other hand, odd colour for that flower but I didn't think too much of it.
My limbs felt like jelly, but I slowly made my way over to them. They turned but their face was so blurry. Too blurry to make out the eyes.
“This is for you.” They said, handing me the flower. I stared at the flower, sudden emotions enveloping me.
Sadness.
Anger.
Guilt.
Protectiveness.
They stood frozen, hand holding the dark flower. No more words were said, as if it was a recording.
I reached out for the flower.
The scene turned black, the tree wilting, the sky crumbling. The ground rumbled, as if an earthquake was going to tear the ground apart.
There they stood, unmoving.
I tried to grab their hand and run, but it was like trying to grab air. It was impossible.
“I'm sorry.” The words escaped my mouth. Why did I say that? I can save them, I can find a way to do something.
Something can always be done.
I tried to push them away from the corrupting black. I tried to wake them out from their frozen trance.
Nothing.
Until I hugged them, wings protecting their body from the darkness. The black void froze.
The sound was sucked out of the scene, leaving them in uncomfortable and still silence.
“You need to let me go.” They said, words crisp against the suffocating silence, their figure unfrozen.
No, I couldn't. I wasn't going to move. If I had to stay here till the end of time, I would. I planted my feet in the ground. I forced my limbs to be rigid.
They preened a few of my large, dark feathers, staring at the shimmering stars in them.
“You need to let me go.” They repeated in the same tone.
Was this some sick joke?
“No.” I mustered out. “I'm not leaving. I’m supposed to protect you.”
The black that had stopped moving started again, the cold darkness travelling up my skin, rooting me where I stood. They didn't say another word, backing away from my protecting stance.
No! Come back.. I can protect you..
Words weren't coming out of my mouth.
I can't lose you again. Please… come back.
Their ghostly figure began to fade when the dark void reached their feet. Their legs. Their arms.
I tried to shut my eyes but it was as if I was forced to watch this scene unfold.
A-
They were gone.
My body shuddered. The darkness that held me in place let go. My knees buckled. Why did this hurt my soul so much? I couldn't even make out who it was, but it seemed I could subconsciously.
What did I do wrong? I was protecting them… and they left my grasp.
How am I supposed to keep them safe if they wouldn't let me?
My body imploded with emotion, tears falling like waterfalls, hands shaking like tumbling landslides. My wings drooped, laying on the ground. The sound being gone was probably a good thing because I didn't want to hear my own ugly sobs.
They were gone.
Gone.
Because I couldn't keep them safe.
As my eyes blurred from tears the blurry image of the four I saw minutes before flashed in my mind.
I'm supposed to be strong for them. Protect them.
Protect them.
I can’t be an emotional mess.
Compartmentalize. For them.
I waited for the tears to stop falling. My hands still shook but not as violently as before. You need to be strong for them.
You need to be strong for them, because no one else will.
—
My eyes fluttered. Dry tears streamed down my face. I quickly wiped them away, noticing my turmoil turned some of the stars around me dull.
What had happened?
What was I dreaming about?
Only one fuzzing scene I could remember, a blurry figure in some kind of field.
Who was the person?
Before I could focus on the figure, the dream memory evaporated.
Wait… what memory?
Now I was just confused. I sat up, still puzzled by train of thought that had snapped midway.
Either way, I had to focus.
I could hear noises from not too far away. Time to go check on them.