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You’ve tossed. You’ve turned. You’ve flipped the pillow over. You’ve tried breathing exercises and counting sheep, yet still, you’re staring at the ceiling. You try closing your eyes again, hoping that sleep will finally take you, but it remains elusive. Frustrated, you peer at the alarm clock on your bedside table. The numbers, red and glaring, which read 2: 43 AM, seem to be mocking you.
You’re tired and annoyed, but resignation is starting to set in. Making sure not to disturb the sleeping body next to yours, you carefully slip out of the covers and tiptoe out of the bedroom. You take one last look at your sleeping boyfriend before stepping out of the room. He’s lying on his stomach, left hand reaching out to your side of the bed. His features are relaxed and his hair is messy. You notice that his unbelievably long eyelashes are making little shadows on the pillow. He looks so peaceful that you can’t help but feel a little annoyed about it.
Dan has the ability of falling asleep as soon as his head hits a pillow. Apparently, it’s a skill he’s acquired from all of the touring that he’s done around the world. Still, you know he doesn’t get enough sleep when he’s away. Which, unfortunately, is very often. You always notice the dark bruises underneath his tired eyes at the airport, right before you jump into his arms and he squeezes you tightly. And you can always tell he’s lying when you’re facetiming and he promises you that no, his schedule isn’t too gruelling, and yes, he’s getting enough sleep. You can tell, because his gaze always shifts downwards and his noses scrunches slightly. And you can tell, because you can hear it on his voice. It gets quieter and raspier, and you don’t hear the playfulness that he usually reserves just for you.
This time around, you could tell how exhausted he was the second you watched him pass through the airport’s sliding doors, eyes ringed red and movements slow and deliberate. He didn’t even have the energy to deny it. He made his way towards you, smile straining the tired features of his face. Though after dropping his bag at your feet, he still found the energy to lift you up into his arms, even if somewhat lethargically, earning him a squeal from your lips.
“Babe, I missed you so much,” he whispered into your hair. You kissed the side of his head, which was clad in his favourite baseball cap, probably worn in an attempt not to be recognized. “I’m exhausted though, can we head straight home?”.
He dropped you lightly to the ground and you nodded. “Of course.” You reached over and gave him another hug before grabbing his bag. “I really missed you too.”
Normally, you might consider waking your boyfriend up to commiserate with you, but you don’t dare after seeing how tired he was at the airport. You quietly close the door to your bedroom and head towards your apartment's balcony.
You sit on the wicker loveseat, pull your knees up to your chest, and breathe out loudly in frustration. These bouts of insomnia are becoming more common and you don’t know what to do about it. Some nights, sitting out here on the balcony and getting some fresh air helps, but most of the time you can’t seem to get your mind to calm down and shut off.
You hear the balcony door slowly swish open and you look over to see a head of soft, messy hair appearing through the glass door.
“Hey, what are you doing out here?” Dan asks, voice raspy from sleep.
“Hey,” you say, looking up at him. “Couldn’t sleep”.
He runs his fingers through his hair and steps in. “I figured...”
Dan sits beside you on the wicker chair and you notice that he’s brought a blanket, which he wraps around you tightly. You hadn’t really noticed the cold, but after being wrapped in the soft blanket, your body seems to finally recognize the chill in the autumn air. You cuddle into Dan, appreciating his body heat as he puts his arm around you.
He kisses the top of your head. “I woke up and you weren’t there, so I was worried. Figured you’d come here, though, if you couldn’t sleep.”
“Mhm,” you nod your head. “I love it out here.” You poke a hand out of the blanket and start tracing patterns on his flannel pyjama pants, grateful for his presence.
“You could have woken me up, you know,” Dan whispers sincerely into your hair. He grabs the hand that is drawing circles on his leg and links it with his own. You lean into him. “I don’t mind staying up with you.”
“I know, but you were so tired. You deserve to rest.” You angle towards him and gently trace the dark circles under his eyes with your thumbs.
He bats your hands away and scrunches his nose. “I feel fine now.”
You roll your eyes at him and lean your head back onto his chest. “You need to sleep more.”
“So do you,” he counters.
“True,” you admit with a sigh.
“Want me to make you some tea or something?” he asks.
“No,” you say softly. “But I’d like you to stay with me.”
You sit together like that for a while, taking in the sprawling nighttime skyline and each other’s company. You love moments like these. And with your boyfriend’s hectic touring schedule, they don’t come along often enough, so you’ve learned to really appreciate them when you can get them. The minutes tick by and you notice light seeping into the sky, but you’re relieved to realize that you’ve made peace with the rapidly approaching morning.
Eventually, you notice that Dan’s eyes have fallen closed and that he is softly snoring. With amusement, you lightly tap his shoulder.
“Dan, Dan…” you say gently. He looks so peaceful that you feel conflicted about waking him, but you know it will be better for his neck if you get him back in bed.
“Dan!” you say, still gentle, but a little more firmly. You shake his shoulder. “Dan, baby, wake up.” You get up from under him, throwing him off balance. He groans, but his eyes still don’t open. You grab both of his hands and pull.
“Come on, we’re going to bed,” you exclaim.
He runs his hand over his face and blinks tiredly. “Yeah?” he asks begrudgingly. “I’m super comfy here,” he says, snuggling into the loveseat. “I’d really rather not move.”
“Yeah,” you say regretfully, although you can’t help but smile at how adorable he looks, with his hair all disheveled and his lip sticking out in a childish, albeit very charming, pout. “Come on, now.”
You manage to lead your sleepy mess of a boyfriend into your bedroom and you lay down next to him. His eyes close the minute his head hits the pillow. He angles towards you and blindly reaches out for you until he’s able to wrap his arm around your waist.
Eventually, his breathing evens, and you think he fell back asleep, but as you turn towards him, you hear him mumble something.
“What’s that, love?” you whisper.
He lifts his head from the pillow. “Don’t go, okay? Stay.”
Your heart swells with affection for your sleepy boyfriend, whom you love more than anything, and who needs you, just as much as you need him. In that moment, you would do anything for him. “I’m not going anywhere.”
It’s not sleep, but you’re safe in bed, wrapped in your boyfriend’s arms, and right now that’s enough.