Work Text:
After the murder of Nagito Komaeda, the remaining 15 students gathered in the court room to begin the class trial.
Hajime: Okay so, we can all agree Teruteru was the culprit right?
Ibuki: Sounds good to me, we did all see him next to Nagito’s body with a bloody knife in his hand, and the rest of us have alibis anyway!
Gundham: It truly is an open and shut case
Teruteru slams his hands on the table
Teruteru: Presposterous! I would never kill someone!
Nekomaru: It’s nothing personal little guy!
Kazuichi: Yeah, he was a creepy bastard! But y’know… if we don’t vote you out we all get executed.
Teruteru: This is slander I tell you! Slander!
Hajime: Great, so we’re all in agreement that Teruteru is the killer. Shall we cut to the vote?
Chiaki: Wait…
Hajime: What?
Chiaki: Something’s not adding up…
Hajime: What do you mean?
Chiaki: During my investigation, I found a bottle cap in Nagito’s pocket, but no bottle. And underneath Teruteru’s bed, I found a bottle with no lid. Isn’t that strange?
Kazuichi: I bet that wasn’t the strangest thing under Teruteru’s bed!
Chiaki: Hajime, why don’t you tell everyone why that’s strange?
Hajime: Why me?
Chiaki: I think you’re the only one who can explain to everyone why it’s strange to have a bottle with no lid under a bed.
Hajime: I don’t think it’s strange at all.
Hangman’s Gambit (Improved) minigame activates
Hajime: Oh, I guess we’re doing this then. Wait, what the fuck? This isn’t Hangman’s Gambit!
Monokuma: You’re right! It’s Hangman’s Gambit (Improved)!
Hajime: What the- fine. Whatever. I just need to- JESUS CHRIST THERE’S LETTERS COMING FROM EVERYWHERE! THIS IS NOT AN IMPROVEMENT!
After losing most of his lives, Hajime beats the Hangman’s Gambit
Hajime: I got it! It’s because bottles and bottle caps usually come in a pair, right?
Chiaki: That’s right. A bottle without a bottle cap just doesn’t make sense. Meaning we have reason to believe Nagito visited Teruteru’s apartment sometime before his murder!
Chiaki points her finger at Teruteru accusingly
Akane: Oh yeah, come to think of it, I saw Nagito leave Teruteru’s house this morning! How d’ya explain that, huh?
Teruteru: Slander! Slander!
Ibuki: Well, I guess we’re not gonna be getting a statement out of him, huh?
Hiyoko: Oh c’mon, just fess up already you tiny pervert!
Teruteru: Unacceptable! Undeniable! Unspeakable!
Sonia: I believe he’s just saying words now…
Hajime: Okay well, we can all agree Teruteru’s the killer right? So we can vote now!
Nekomaru: Finally!
Mikan: W- wait… I- I don’t think that’s a- all there is t- to it…
Hiyoko: I- I- I don’t give a shit, bitch!
Hajime waves his hand at Hiyoko, signalling for her to calm down. He wanted to give Mikan a chance.
Hajime: Okay Mikan, what do you think doesn’t add up?
Mikan: W- well, I was in the Rocketpunch Market earlier, a- and I- I noticed the door to the bathroom was locked…
Hajime: But… Nagito was killed in the restaurant?
Mikan: I know… I- I just thought that was strange. Oh! You all hate me don’t you?
Mahiru: Oh Mikan, you know that’s not true. We don’t hate you!
Hiyoko raises her hand
Hiyoko: Hold on, I hate her.
Hajime puts his head in his hands and sighs
Hajime: Okay, lets get back on topic. Teruteru is definitely the killer, we can all agree on that right?
Peku: Wait, I should probably mention… Last night I found a secret passage leading from the Rocketpunch Market bathroom all the way to the restaurant. Right next to Nagito’s body.
Hajime: And you only just decided to mention it?
Peku: Well, I didn’t think it was suspicious at first, but now that Mikan says that the bathroom was locked this morning…
Hajime: You didn’t think the 2 mile long secret passageway leading right to the crime scene was suspicious?
Peku: It was actually a really poorly designed tunnel.
Kazuichi slams his hands on the table
Kazuichi: THAT TUNNEL WAS STATE OF THE ART!
The class goes silent
Fuyuhiko: Dumbass.
Kazuichi: I- I uh- I mean-
Teruteru: Oh yeah! I forgot to mention! I got this note through my letterbox this morning!
Teruteru shows the note to the class
Dear Teruteru,
I stole your knife LOL, please come to the restaurant to get it back.
~ Kazuichi Soda
Hajime sighs, he’s had enough of these idiots.
Chiaki: Well, I think we all know who the culprit is. But just to be sure, Hajime, could you go over everything one more time?
Hajime: What?
Chiaki: Just so everyone’s on the same page, I think you should go over everything one more time.
Hajime: … no.
Closing Argument minigame activates
Hajime: Oh for fucks sake.
Hajime completes the minigame, and he’s genuinely impressed at how good the comic strips look. He appreciates artists, and is glad that there will never be generative ai platforms that will steal their jobs. God, 2012 is a wonderful time to be alive.
Hajime: Okay, here’s what happened;
The best song in the game’s soundtrack begins to play
Hajime: Over the past few days, the culprit’s been digging a secret tunnel from the Rocketpunch Market bathroom all the way to the Restaurant where we meet up every morning. Once it was finished, he took one of Teruteru’s butcher knives and left him a note telling him to come pick it up at the restaurant. The culprit would then go to the restaurant and find Nagito, stabbing him to death. After that he’d leave the knife at the crime scene, and run off into the secret tunnel so when Teruteru came to collect his knife it looked like he was the culprit. But in reality the culprit was… YOU KAZUICHI SODA!
Hajime points his finger at Kazuichi
Kazuichi: No, you’re wrong. You’re wrong. You’re lying you’re lying you’re lying you’re lying!
Panic Talk Action minigame activates
Hajime: What the fuck is this?
Monokuma: It’s a rhythm game!
Hajime: If I wanted to play rhythm games I’d have spent my money on Guitar Hero…
Monokuma: I don’t make the rules! Puhuhu!
Hajime: What if I just… don’t?
Monokuma: Well then, I’d imagine the rest of the class would assume you’re the culprit.
Hajime: What!? Why?
Monokuma: It’s awfully suspicious, don’t you think? Claiming to solve a murder case but not being able to beat a rhythm game?
Nekomaru: Now that you mention it, can we really take the word of someone who can’t beat a simple rhythm game?
Hajime: Are you serious!? Oh f- you know what? Fine. I’ll play your damn rhythm game.
Hajime attempts the rhythm game but fails miserably, as the cocky bastard had the difficulty set to Mean.
Hajime: FUCK!
Monokuma: And it looks like the student with the most votes is… Hajime Hinata! But Hajime was not the culprit, too bad! It seems the killer will graduate while the rest of the students will be punished…
Hajime: Is this it? Is this really the end for us?
Monokuma: Would you like to try again?
Hajime: … … What?
Monokuma: Would you like to try again?
Hajime: I thought… I thought the whole point was if we voted the wrong person, then we all died.
Monokuma: I always like to offer my students a second chance.
Hajime: And if we get it wrong again?
Monokuma: I’ll allow you to try again, again.
Hajime: So… there’s really nothing at stake here? We just get to vote someone until we get it right?
Monokuma: That’s right! Would you like to try again?
Hajime looks around at his classmates. The classmates who tried to get him executed because he failed a single rhythm game.
Hajime: No.
Monokuma: I- What?
Hajime: I don’t want to try again. Let these idiots burn.
Monokuma: Y- you can’t say that! How are you supposed to progress through this game without trying again!?
Hajime: Fuck this game, I’m off to play Roblox or something…