Archive of Our Own

Toya despises the heat.

It’s reasonable to assume that a boy who spent a long time in a village far away from civilization would be used to the heat by now. But that’s something he just never got accustomed to.

He dislikes the way his school uniform clings to his skin. How he can feel droplets of sweat rolling down the back of his neck, his arms and his sides. His hair clings to his forehead like a second skin. And his throat begs for something cold.

And today, in particular, these sensations are extremely unbearable.

“We’re almost at the market.” Akito says beside him. Toya almost trips on a rock from how sudden it is. “Then you can cool off. It’s really bad luck that your tire popped midway.”

“Yeah…” He said for the lack of better words and parched throat, gaze fixed ahead.

The field feels never-ending as he pushes his bike forward. Akito could ride his own bike just fine and leave Toya behind, consequentially evading the heat, but he simply decided not to. He even suggested pushing Toya’s bike instead and Toya could use Akito’s, but Toya flatly denied.

They continue pushing their bikes until their forms are blissfully covered by a familiar ceiling, protecting them from the heat.

“Akito, Toya.” The cashier lifts her head off the newspaper.

“Miss Nanako.” They both speak simultaneously.

Toya stands at the entrance where a small AC hangs above, letting cold air flow over his heated skin. Meanwhile, Akito goes straight to the corner where the owner stores popsicles. He picks up a rocky road for himself and coffee cookies for Toya.

Toya only steps out of the cooling breeze when Akito hands his already paid popsicle. “You’ll get sick like that.” He says, sitting on the only bench outside. Toya plops beside him.

“School just started. Today was different because my tire popped. Tomorrow my bike will be fine.” And then he’ll be more careful. Try not to get lost in his thoughts while biking. If he had steered a little more to the side, the consequence would be bigger than regret on his shoulders.

“If you say so. I just don’t want your mom whining out about her son being too sick to keep his perfect attendance.”

Something in Toya stings. “It never affected you that badly.”

“When your mom calls my mom for medicine suggestions and I can hear her worried voice all the way to my room? No chance.” Akito rolls his eyes playfully.

Memories of this particular case come out. But Toya forces them down, not feeling exactly nostalgic.

“That was once.”

“Once too much.” Akito fully unwrapped his popsicle, throwing the packet on the nearby trash. The wind doesn’t even let it reach halfway.

Silence engulfs the two of them as they cool themselves off. A breeze blows past their faces, and Toya wonders just when did it become so hot.

His gaze slides almost mechanically to one of the many mountains rounding Kubitachi. His teeth burn at a single bite of the untouched popsicle. Too deep.

“You were stuck in that mountain for a week, weren’t you?” Toya murmurs, voice airy.

“Yeah. Can’t remember a thing, though.”

Akito scoots a little closer. His smile widens when their gazes meet.

“Why, were you lonely without me?”

Toya’s mouth opens. It slowly closes.

“No.”

“Hah, you’re lying to me now?” Akito joked, nudging him.

Toya shrugged, gaze focused on that mountain. He’s unable to look away.

“Can I ask you something a little strange?” Toya asks, not seeing any other way to go through this.

“What, you’re planning a thing or something?”

“No,” Toya repeats, pointedly avoiding Akito’s grin. “It’s something that’s been lingering on my mind now. Ever since you went missing for a week on that mountain.”

Akito hummed, bumping their knees together. Toya can feel his gaze burning the side of his face. For a moment he sits there, paying attention to the swaying high grass. The light of that merciless sun in the sky. How his own popsicle is beginning to melt, his fingers turning sticky.

“... You’re not Akito, are you?”

Toya’s heartbeat increases, waiting for Akito’s reply. He did it. He actually said it.

However, Akito didn’t reply.

Turning to Akito, Toya’s body went cold.

Akito stared at him with wide eyes, mouth slightly agape in what was a smile moments ago. The sunlight was filtered above the ceiling they’re under, casting a shadow over Akito’s eyes. Toya feels as if he stared enough, he’d be pulled and would never come back. That’s an expression that someone who, honest to God, had always been themselves would never have.

“Where did that come from?” Akito whispered. Toya is unable to move, heart dropping to his stomach at the sight of his best friend’s left side of his face starting to deform.

Akito’s olive eye melted like the heat also affected him, but Toya knew better. The green gives way to something black and fractal patterned, almost tentacle-like.

“My imitation was supposed to be perfect.” Said the entity.

One moment Toya is processing what is happening before his eyes. Next, he is pulled between two arms. He stiffens, having that thing so close to him bringing an uneasiness to no end, except the attack never comes. Instead, a sorrowful voice cries out. “Don’t tell anyone… Please…”

This is wrong. Akito never cried. Akito never allowed himself to be weak in front of Toya.

It’s completely uncanny.

“I’m finally living life as it is,” It continues. “I can go to school. I can play soccer with the others. And I can stay up all night reading comics.” It doesn’t seem to care that Toya is non-responsive. “And I don’t want to hurt you. Not after all this time. I really love you. Please, I beg of you—”

I love you.

Such simple words. And yet, he hasn’t—

Toya swallowed thickly, his throat dry. Silence envelops the two in a suffocating blanket. Akito is squeezing him so tightly and these tendrils make so much noise.

His eyelids lowered. Say he told anyone, what then? They would exorcise ‘it’?

Was all that time he spent trying to wholeheartedly believe that his best friend was back all in vain when deep down he knew he wasn’t?

One week. It was an entire week away.

He could push Akito away and scream for help. Bring this slip-up to the public eye and end this curse at once. But, just like Akito never attacked, Toya didn’t make a move to get up either.

Because even if you are gone, I’d still want you here.

Toya’s eyes sting as tears brim his vision, threatening to fall. For all he knows he is a weak fool and this could be his death will, written with his own handwriting, showing no hesitation in each curve and end.

Shakily, he puts a hand over Akito’s back. It’s warm. And sticky. And gross.

“I won’t tell anyone.” Toya concedes, pulling him closer.

“I promise.”

ㅤ

ㅤ

The only emotion that can explain 7 year old Toya’s expression when his Father suddenly announced on a Saturday evening that they were going to live in a rural area indefinitely was surprise.

He had been sitting across from his Mother and Father when the news was passed. Perhaps they worried Toya wouldn’t want to live somewhere away from the noises of popular Japan. Or worry that he’d lose contact with the friends he has here.

But all Toya did was nod and act compliant. He barely left home for things that aren’t auditions and he had no friends to miss.

The decision came on a whim when his Father had been particularly tight about his projects. With a freshly determined mindset, he explained that the quiet environment of the place he has his eyes on could help Toya improve his classical music skills.

Which is how, three days later, Toya is sitting in the back of a car way too expensive to the quite humble houses and dirt paths. There is no concrete, no tall buildings looming overhead. Not even people. It must be a quiet time. The sun is beginning to set and his parents are talking about new furniture they could get. They just sold their old house like it was nothing.

One day his mother is kneeling in front of him, adjusting a small bow sitting in his chest.

“It’d be a good thing if you managed to make friends on your first day. After all, we lost a bit of the school year. For sure you missed some work,” His silver eyes are focussed on expert fingers as they unhook the loose bow for the third time. Mother usually gets it done in the first. “And your classmates will have to lend you their notebook.”

He nodded, looking back to find gentle eyes tinged with worry. And there they linger all the way until she drops Toya off.

“Tell me how it goes, okay?” She smiled, pushing some hair behind his ear. “I’ll pick you up after school. Goodbye.”

Toya smiled back. “Goodbye, Mom.”

And so, she drives off. He turns around from where the car had disappeared, seeing a bunch of children playing in the small playground in the front of the school. The doors are closed, which means it isn’t time to enter yet.

He finds a quiet spot by the swing, where two other girls swung on the opposite side. And there Toya stayed, holding his backpack close to his chest. Observing. Unmoving. Waiting for the doors to open.

From here he can see that the most attractive equipment is the merry-go-round, with 9 children in total. But there’s also the slides, with a small line, and a sand box. There is not much to do while waiting, he soon discovers, and then decides that watching sand-building is more interesting than whatever is happening on the merry-go-round.

After all, he’d surely get sick there with how fast they’re spinning.

Toya doesn’t know how long he stays there, his attention having shifted from the sand to what appeared to be a competition to see who gets to the top of the jungle gym faster, when another car rolled to the front of the school.

His sight zeroed on when a boy with ginger hair stepped out, his expression annoyed. The person in the driver’s spot must’ve said something mean, because that boy immediately swept around and gave them the middle finger before slamming the door shut.

Toya didn’t mean to, but his jaw slackens. He would never have the audacity to do such a thing to someone he knows. That action alone was all it took for Toya to be captivated, no longer interested in the chaos in front of him.

That boy rubbed his nose as he passed through the gate, gaze sweeping across the playground. It was only when their gazes met for not even a second that Toya realized his unashamed staring, silver eyes suddenly finding the hook of his bag much more interesting than someone who is brave enough to act like that.

‘His eyes are olive-colored’, His mind unhelpfully supplies, as that short moment ingrained itself in his mind.

His heartbeat quickened, he dared not to look at any other thing.

A shadow loomed over him. Toya swallowed.

“Hey, you saw that?” A voice asks, and Toya’s heart plummeted all the way to his stomach.

Olive eyes are looking down at Toya, narrowed slightly in only a portion of that annoyance. Toya inhaled sharply, accidentally catching a strong whiff of sweat amidst oxygen, and he leaned away.

His mind goes into overdrive from being so close to someone for a long time, so his mouth runs on automatic. “No.”

The boy tilts his head, then. “Are you sure?”

“Absolutely.”

There is a moment of silence, broken only by agitated voices in the background. Then that annoyance is smoothed away.

“Oh. Okay.”

Toya feels relieved. That means he will brush Toya staring at him aside and walk away to talk with someone else, completely forgetting this funny exchange and moving on.

But his hopes were shattered as the boy didn’t stray far, sitting on the swing beside him. The two girls have gone to another spot, leaving only them and two empty swings.

“I’m Akito, by the way. And you are?”

“... Toya.”

“Toya,” Akito tries the name. He hums, pushing his feet against the sand beneath the swings. “I’ve never seen you here before. Are you new here?”

Gods, let this be over already.

Toya cannot for the life of him stare at Akito being so close. So he stares ahead. “Yes. I moved in a few days ago.”

“I hope you enjoy it here, or something.” Akito is swinging now. Toya looks to the side once he sees Akito’s legs from the corner of his eye, only to realize that Akito wasn’t even looking at him in the first place. “I’ve never met someone who moved in here willingly.”

That piques Toya’s interest. “Really? Why?”

“With the happenings lately. And the huuuuuuge massacre that happened centuries ago.”

“Massacre?” He parrots.

“Yeah, lots of blood,” Akito opens his palms, motioning blood gushing out of his chest. He looks at Toya, grinning. “Lots of lives lost. So they kind of say that it’s an entire taboo to live here. That there is no God to protect us from impurities, so we’re kind of… Screwed.”

Toya doesn’t even know where to begin. “And you’re still here… Because…?”

“It’s not like I can move out. I was born here.”

“... I see.”

“Does that make you regret coming here?”

Considering that they have only come because his Father wanted to, Toya doesn’t think he should even be in the spot for the question. “No. My Dad wanted to be here, not me.”

Akito hums, slowly swinging again. He stopped at some point. “Sucks. If I were you, I’d happily stay somewhere else.”

Toya was about to ask Akito more about the history of this place when the bell rang. Everyone picked up their respective bags and went to the now open entrance, where a teacher with a kind smile called for the rest.

However, Akito doesn’t move. And in turn Toya doesn’t move either. They watch as the children gather their stuff and begin entering school.

“Do you want to be friends?” Akito suddenly asked, facing the commotion. Then he looked at Toya.

Toya almost thinks he misheard it. But the earnest look in Akito’s eyes didn’t imply anything else. It was as if time stopped. Nobody ever asked to be Toya’s friend like this. Usually, they just stayed close long enough so that the something they wanted is no longer a need.

Toya remembers his Mother’s request about meeting new friends, and a warm feeling blooms in his chest. She won’t have to worry so much anymore.

“Yeah,” Toya replied, voice a little airy, as if entranced in the green of Akito’s eyes. “I’d love to.”

At night on that same day, Toya sleeps with that warmth still lingering in his chest. He wonders if Akito is also sleeping at that same time.

ㅤ

ㅤ

Toya walks on automatic for the next few days. He acts as if everything is fine, because why would it not be?

He still bikes with Akito from their houses to school. He still waters the plants with Kohane whenever she asks for help. He still indulges An in whatever ideas she gets to do at school, even if they’re dangerous and technically forbidden. But then Akito skips into the convo and joins them.

He even helped clean the school gym the other day, even if he wasn’t one of the penalized students. Something about breaking a part of the roof with fireworks. The heat inside there was so strong Toya kept focusing on the way it was almost threatening to rip Toya’s soul out of his skin.

Because Toya is a good student. Toya is a good son. And Toya is also a good friend. He says ‘Good morning’ and ‘Good bye’ to the man at the school gate every day. He never makes his parents worry about homework or exams, because every night, without fail, he is sitting at his desk. Book propped on some random page, he would get to work.

And he’s also keeping the secret of ‘Akito’ hidden.

So, yes. He is a good person through and through. And therefore all the bad he did is buried under the rug. Nothing is wrong. Nothing is misplaced. He had been so good that the good evens out the bad.

Plus, it’s not like ‘Akito’ can hurt someone, right? Right?

Toya kept quiet the first week Akito returned. How he looked more cheerful than he usually is. How Akito looked more interested in Kohane’s photos she took while on vacation. The way it appeared as if he lost complete sense of personal space, leaning a little too close when Toya called his attention to a grammar mistake on his textbook.

And at first, it was a dead giveaway. Now that he thinks about it. Akito never makes grammar mistakes.

But he had brushed it aside. He hadn’t stepped where Toya himself is stepping now. Maybe Akito hit his head a little too hard when he slipped on that mountain, causing him to forget simple rules of calligraphy. And that it was a miracle he even remembered who Toya and the others were. And where he lives. And also—

“Woah, he’s sweating again.” An says beside his ear, almost causing Toya to jump. Almost. Her blue ends drape over his desk when her head tilts, trying to catch his gaze. “Is it that hot?”

“Winter is only at the end of the year.” Kohane helpfully replied.

“Must be because I sit near the window.” And just like that, he rolls his thoughts about ‘Akito’ away. “Or… I don’t know. I guess I’m sensitive to the weather changes.”

“Come to think of it, you used to always get sick on these times of the year, right?”

At Kohane’s remark, An’s eyes lit up. “Right. And then Akito would be the one worrying over whether he should or shouldn’t jump over Toya’s window when his Dad didn’t let Toya receive visitors.”

At the memory, Toya’s gaze lowers a bit. When Akito met Harumichi… It wasn’t exactly pleasant. He could clearly pinpoint most of his flaws from a single interaction. He had only been allowed to enter because of a project they had together.

But when Toya got sick, be it because of natural reasons or piano practicing, his phone would always be kept nearby. Akito continuously threatened to jump over his window if Harumichi kept denying him of seeing Toya. The banter always brought a small smile to his face, he realized on a sunny evening when his phone ran out of battery and the dark screen reflected Toya’s smiling face.

It was only last year he found out Akito would look mad the rest of the day. He refused to talk about it when Kohane or An inquired, but they knew, because Toya was always absent.

“What are we talking about?” Okay. Now Toya jumps.

But thankfully, An and Kohane were already looking away from him by the time Akito took the vacant spot around Toya’s desk.

“About Toya’s probably weak immune system.” An shrugged. “Not much happened today. It was quite bland. Did you finish the homework due tomorrow?”

Akito stills. Stares at An as if she grew a second head. “What homework?”

Kohane’s expression slowly softens into something exasperated. Toya sags in his seat. At least in this aspect, this entity is exactly like Akito.

Toya gathers his stuff. “I’ll help him.”

ㅤ

Later that day, they are cooped up inside the library. The science homework isn’t that long and it would take longer to bike towards Akito’s house than actually finishing it here. An and Kohane left at their usual time, leaving the two alone.

Sure, Akito’s grades increased a bit, but homework was different. For some reason.

“I completely forgot about it…” Akito scratched his head, both their books laying across from each other at the same page. An image of a snake takes a little more than half of the page, explaining about its body, habitat, what it eats…

“The less we speak, the quicker we finish.” Toya said.

He’s been used to doing homework with Akito. Helping him through it. In the past, even doing his homework. But those were only on specific scenarios and they stopped doing it when Ms. Yu casually pointed out Akito’s homework as an example of what not to do.

It’s a bad habit, Toya used to tell Akito. And for a while he thought that his advice wasn't in vain.

But then Akito died. And suddenly, nothing he did matters anymore.

“Why do snakes shed?” Akito quietly asked. Toya looked up from his own book to find Akito staring at the open-mouthed snake. Beside it was a patch of its old skin and a commentary bubble explaining exactly why it did. But Akito asked anyway.

“It’s right there. Read.” Toya unhelpfully replied.

“Yeah, I know. But why?

“Because they need to. Or else they won’t continue growing up. Then they’d die before their offspring can be born. Or…” But then they’d need the heat, wouldn’t they?

“I just think it’s funny. Having to shed.” Akito hummed, no longer interested in the homework as he stared straight at Toya. “Wouldn’t that be the equivalent of finding an empty, skin-shaped human carcass on the streets?”

“... No comment.”

Now he’ll never stare at snakes the same. He’ll correlate the shedded skin to humans, then to their bodies, then to death, then to lifeless olive eyes he found on that mountain on a cold, rainy night.

“All animals have their own things,” Toya shrugs, trying to push the topic aside. Before he knows it he’d spiral again. “It’s nature. We don’t question nature.”

“Hm. I guess.” Akito poked the image-snake, his other hand propped against his cheek. The position is thoroughly not Akito-like.

… Gods. He needs to stop comparing. Immediately. What did he even know about Akito?

“Would you like to, though?” Akito spoke again — and for a moment Toya corrected himself, the real Akito — breaking Toya off his thoughts.

His heart skipped a beat. “What?”

“Question nature,” Akito explains. “We’re basically strangers right now, aren’t we?”

Toya doesn’t dare to move a muscle. At the lack of reply Akito lifts his head. Toya swears he sees a red dot in the center of Akito’s right eye once the strong sunlight peeking through the thin spaces between the library blinds hits just the ring angle, avoiding his ginger bangs. Toya blinks once and it is gone. Akito is sitting with his back straight now.

“What does that imply?” He slowly asks, feeling something beginning to be breached.

“I could show you me.” Akito says, putting a hand over his chest. “The real me.”

Toya followed the movement, his cheeks burning. If Akito notices, he doesn’t comment on it.

Toya’s hands rest on his lap. Akito tilts his head.

“Is that a way to escape your homework?” Toya quietly asks. It’s not a no.

Akito lowers his own hand, smile widening. “Not at all. I’ll do the rest after, I promise.”

ㅤ

Silver eyes are transfixed on the various buttons sitting atop one another as slightly rough hands undo each one of them. The school’s gymnasium storage room reeks of sweat and old equipment in a way that makes Toya’s nose scrunch, yet he is as still as a statue once Akito unbuttons his uniform completely.

Toya had never seen Akito’s body like this before, this exposed. Of course he didn’t. There were never reasons or excuses to make Akito come undone to this point.

And yet, this entity is showing this sight on a silver platter. It makes Toya’s insides feel weird.

Does this make Toya a pervert? He cannot bring himself to ask these words aloud.

The silence in this heat-filled room is so thick a simple pin falling to the ground could break it into an instant. Akito looked at Toya, then, his olive eyes hiding beneath his eyelids.

Akito curls his fingers around Toya’s wrist, bringing it closer to a thin slit sitting in his chest.

“What is that?” Toya asks before he can relent to Akito’s call, the latter’s weak tugging ceasing immediately

“A window. To feel it. All of me.”

And before Toya can question it further, something between the lines of how is that even possible, Akito takes the chance that Toya’s arm goes slack and shoves his hand inside.

He groans as if in pain at the intrusion. Toya goes cold, yet his chest feels warm.

“How does it feel?” Akito smiled, his own cheeks flushing, fingers still in place. Toya wouldn’t be able to pull away even if he wished to.

“It’s… Weird…” He says, picking up the first thought that comes to his mind. “Like raw marinated chicken… It’s cold.”

“Mm. Go on.”

Moving his hands around caused Akito to gasp. Curling them makes him sigh. And shoving his arm further only makes Toya correlate this weird feeling to a bottomless pit. Perhaps a bottomless pit of marinated chicken.

“You’re warm.” Akito says, words whispered just by his ear. Toya blinks back to reality, realizing Akito is hovering over him.

He had always been a little bit taller, but having Akito this close makes him feel even warmer. His other hand clenches over the edge of the old box he sits on. It’s a completely different sensation, further improvised by every inhale of a smell that is so distinctly Akito.

“Feels nice.” Akito adds, tucking his words into Toya’s skin. Toya cannot see Akito’s face except for the soft pink at the corner of his eye. He doesn’t doubt his flush mirrors Akito’s.

Akito’s words encourage Toya to push further despite the weird sensation crawling up his back. He is almost at the point of shoving past his elbow when something within Akito touches Toya, sending an even weirder sensation running down his entire body. It’s bordering on painful. He flinches.

It then dawns on him that this is technically touching his dead friend’s body. A body that was infiltrated by some entity who lived on top of that mountain and could snap Toya’s neck in half if it wished to. There couldn’t possibly be enough words to describe just how complicated this is. Orange shaded lenses break as these intrusive thoughts worm their way into his brain at the smallest touch, breathing going erratic.

Toya tries to speak, but finds himself unable to control himself. His hand slowly pulls its way back, both by suddenly how hard it is to breathe and whatever is residing within Akito’s body just isn’t giving way as easily as it was when Toya moved forward, a dead man panting by his ear all the while. A barrier stops his hand just as it breached the opening, at the last minute, causing it to open his eyes slowly.

“Shit. I got carried away.”

Toya swallows thickly once their gazes meet. Akito doesn’t look the least apologetic. His blush hasn’t subsided and there’s not a speck of hesitation in there.

The sight makes his skin crawl. Toya doesn’t think he’ll forget this particular expression anytime soon.

Akito fully lets go, breaking the moment. Toya’s skin tingles as cold air brushes his hand. Whiplash.

“I’m sorry,” Akito breathes, more composed. “I thought—”

“No.” Toya breathes, shaking his head. He’d be damned if he walked back on his word. He is the one who opened the gates back on that day, when it had fully revealed itself right in front of him. Even went as far as hugging. “It’s fine. It really is. I just need a moment.”

Akito leans away at his words. Toya immediately misses the closure. He holds these feelings tight until they crush into nothing before even having the chance to materialize.

“It’s… Weird.” He repeats his earlier words. “But not unpleasant.”

“I see…” At least Akito looked convinced, his lips lifting just enough to be considered a smile. “I feel closer to you. Now that you know how I feel.”

Toya nods once. He still needs to fully wrap his head around what happened here in order to be on the same page as Akito. “We should leave before they close the gates and lock us inside.”

Toya watches firsthand how that long slit slowly dissipates, becoming one with Akito’s body. A window, Akito had called it.

“That would suck.” Akito said, simply.

It takes a long time for the tingling in his hand to vanish. Toya tries to remember how that sensation of something reciprocating his advances felt back then when he is tucked into bed, unfortunately to no avail.

Toya wonders if the real Akito can see his actions from wherever his soul rests. If he hates what Toya has turned into.

An image flashes in his mind. Toya closes his eyes, digging the heel of his palms deep into the holes of his eyes until his vision swims onto static and that image is pitch black. Akito is back. Akito never left. Akito is breathing.

Akito is fine. Toya is fine.

ㅤ

ㅤ

Bad days aren’t exactly new for Toya.

There isn’t a particular reason as to why he just feels a little slower. Like there are rocks over his shoulders and lifting a single hand to reach for the blocks across him on the table feel too exhausting.

Because Toya got to school early today. He ate waffles and eggs for breakfast. Mom and Dad kissed his forehead goodbye before setting off to go grocery shopping. To top it off, Akito also miraculously got to school early, when he usually only arrives at the last few minutes.

Toya doesn’t know how long he has been pressing his chin over the wooden surface when Akito slowly peeks into his vision with wide, curious eyes. He pokes Toya’s cheek.

“What’s wrong?” Akito frowns. “You haven’t even touched your building blocks.”

Toya wants to point out that Kotaro is picking up Akito’s blocks while he isn’t looking. Something about a giant castle that will beat all the other block buildings. They were supposed to entertain themselves since today is a day off. No homework. Nothing. And, truly, Toya should be happy.

But he can only incoherently murmur something not even himself knows, eyes slipping shut.

“Toya?” Akito tries again, his voice closer. “Helloooo? Anyone there?”

“Maybe he’s tired.” Kotaro’s voice echoes from the other side.

“Nonsense. He was just fine a few minutes ago.” Akito continued to poke his cheek.

One of Toya’s eyes opened. Maybe Akito's touch really is magical. Akito perks up. “See?”

Kotaro only spares Toya a glance, lasting no more than a second before going back to his half finished castle. Akito groans at their friend’s disinterest, looking back at Toya.

“Are you really tired?”

Toya continues to act unresponsive.

His eye closes again, much to Akito’s utter dismay. He says more, but words slip in and out of Toya’s ears. Their edges turn soft and everything becomes blurry.

It’s not that he means to ignore Akito, but if Toya could have made a single wish today, it was to stay home. Because as much as he likes being around Akito, this bad day is only proving to him that making Akito worry is never good. Especially for something that is almost natural to Toya. And he never bothered to look for an exact reason, opting to sleep.

Yes, sleep. He would be sleeping right now if he had stayed at home. Toya briefly wonders if he could come back only by foot. But while the hills here in Kubitachi aren’t long, they’re persistent. And Toya wouldn’t last that long.

He is at a point where his knees have gone numb from where they’re pressed in the carpet when something warm presses itself against his side. A pleasing scent enters his nostrils.

Toya wants to ask what Akito is doing, but Kotaro beats him to it. “What’re you doing?”

“Shh!” He grits out. “He’s sleeping. Can’t you see?”

“Well, yes, but if the teacher sees him—”

“She’ll want to pry. I know. But Toya clearly isn’t fine. He won’t want to talk about it to her.”

An arm follows Akito’s warmth as it wraps around Toya’s shoulders.

A moment of silence. “How do you even know that?” Kotaro murmured.

“I just know!” Akito snaps, sounding louder than Kotaro had been before. Kotaro himself yelps at the sudden hostile tone.

“Geez, dude, I was just asking!”

Toya thinks that if he had been truly asleep, Akito would’ve woken him up. But Akito’s warmth is also nice. Toya doesn’t move in fear of causing Akito to move away, too.

Eventually, he slips into a dreamless sleep.

ㅤ

The two of them are sitting in one of the many benches outside of the school, waiting for their respective parents to pick them up. There’s not that many children at this point. And at any day the quiet would make him calmer, but as his gaze slips back to his hands, he is anything but.

There, like resting over Akito’s hands, is Toya’s own. His fingertips are unnaturally red. Toya used to put bandaids around them to not make them that much sore, especially with the fact he needed to use them on a daily basis, but ever since they moved here to Kubitachi, things just don't seem as tight as they were back at Shibuya.

And that included Mom’s oversight on their bandaids stock. So, no bandaids today.

“That’s not normal.” Akito says once Toya voices his thoughts. His thumb hovers over a darker bruise. He had touched it without thinking the moment Toya revealed his hands, only to have him flinching.

It feels easier to talk when it’s just Akito. “I suppose,” he concedes. “It’s one of my responsibilities.”

“Hurting yourself? Never.” Akito’s eyes widened as if Toya just uttered a cruel joke. “Your dad is crazy. That’s what.”

Akito looks back to the bruised hands. Toya’s transfixed in the way his lips pursed and eyebrows furrow as if mulling something over.

He does the unexpected. He kissed one of the red marks.

Toya choked up a noise. “Akito—”

“Shut up.”

Shut up he indeed does. Silver eyes are wide as his best friend kissed each one of the bruises. Akito’s eyes slipped shut midway and Toya doesn’t know if it’s a trick of lightning or whatnot, but a blush settles over Akito’s cheeks.

It really shouldn’t feel weird, because his mother always kisses his bruises so they get better faster. But she never kissed his fingers whenever they got like this. And his heart never beat as loud as it is now.

His index finger stings in protest as Akito lifts it to kiss the last bruise better. His lips linger there a little longer than usual before he fully lowers Toya’s hand. Akito avoids Toya’s gaze.

Toya doesn’t think he ever felt so alive.

ㅤ

ㅤ

“Aaahhh, freedom!” An walked ahead of them, opening her arms like a lizard being bathed by a descending sun.

It’s so yellow outside. And hot. As always.

“Freedom!” Akito mimicked An, opening his arms too.

Kohane giggled from beside Toya, bringing a hand to her mouth. “You two act as if we were jailed the entire day.”

“Isn’t that the same? I’d prefer to be back at home, listening to music or helping my dad around the cafe.” An looked over his shoulder, an easy smile on her face.

“We need to study…” Kohane gently quipped.

“Plus, isn’t it like, October?" Akito cut in, flipping his body so he walked backwards while An, Kohane and Toya walked ahead. “Aren’t the cinemas going to sell horror movies or something?”

An’s lip twitched. “Horror movies?”

“Wouldn’t that imply we would have to skip school?” Toya murmured, an uneasy feeling settling into his chest.

His three friends gave Toya a pointed stare, knowing Toya always felt lightheaded at the prospect of breaking rules.

In this case, it’s about being a diligent student. They all break into easy smiles.

“It’s only one day. An and I passed by that new theater the other day and their movie schedule is filled with iconic movies. Like The Shining, The Exorcist, Halloween…” Kohane offered.

“Please, no more horror movies.” An sided with Toya this once, leaving Akito with his mouth agape.

Toya has an inkling her comment refers to last year, when she couldn’t sleep with the light turned off after they watched Saw for halloween and demanded they watch a lighter movie. They ended up settling for Back Into The Future.

“You cannot seriously be implying we skip a movie outing. On Halloween.”

“We could watch it on the weekend.”

“It’s not the same!” Akito frowned, looking oddly like a kicked puppy at Toya’s lack of easy give in. “Nobody here celebrates Halloween. Or anything at all.”

“There’s Christmas. And New Year. And festivals.”

While Toya agrees that he hasn’t seen anyone visibly celebrate Halloween, Akito’s comment of ‘celebrating nothing at all’ is simply wrong.

“If you feel scared, you can hold my hand, An.” Kohane said, matching her steps with An’s.

Kohane’s comment caused An to blush, eyes widening. “Really?!”

Kohane nods. “Of cour—”

The girl yelps as her friend suddenly pulls her into a tight hug, though she smiles too, her cheeks darkening.

“Agh. Kohane, you’re so cute!! Okay, I’m in!!!”

Toya is then faced with the expectant look of three pairs of eyes. Kohane’s are still a little shy, though determined. An is waiting for Toya’s response with a wide smile on her face. Akito tilts his head, eyebrows lifting in a knowing look.

Ah. Oh well.

Toya slowly gives in, his own lips being pulled into a smile. “Tomorrow. For Halloween.”

“Yay!”

ㅤ

They sat in their usual seats: Kohane, An to her right, Akito, then Toya all the way to the end. They always take a row at the back, with Kohane insisting they’ll have a good view of the movie and their surroundings, much to An’s fear.

Toya takes a sip of his water, completely focused on the movie so far. The main character is currently checking the corridors after a weird noise echoed downstairs. Not much horror happened until now, relying mostly on the suspense. Toya’s willing to bet they’re not even halfway in, though.

When the camera lingers too long at a wall, showing nothing interesting for a few longer seconds Toya looks to his side. An is clutching to Kohane, her arms wrapped around the smaller girl’s shoulders. A human meat shield for jumpscares. As always, Kohane comforted An. Her hand rested on the other’s head.

His attention then shifted to Akito, who had his hand propped up against his chin. He looked just as engrossed in the movie as Kohane and An, not even blinking.

Toya doesn’t know for how long he stares when olive meets his gaze.

“You’re afraid, too?” Akito whispered, a teasing smile gracing his lips. Toya was about to deny it when he added: “Your back is so stiff it isn’t even touching the chair.”

The bluehead blinks, honestly not having realized that. He sits properly with his back flush against the chair. Akito watches him all the while, smile widening. Toya would’ve scolded him for looking so smug if he wasn’t so busy coming up with a believable excuse to be staring at Akito for no reason.

Other than the obvious, that is. Today has been so good so far. He can’t dwell on that now. Not today. Everything is pushed back once the soft cushions welcome his spine.

“... I’m not.” He settles, slowly. “I was just wondering if you were the one scared instead.”

“Me? Nah. I love movies.”

As if on cue, a loud scream rang in the theater. Toya flinched at the loud noise. His ears have always been sensitive. Being taken by surprise almost makes him believe the noises are amplified.

Judging by An’s scream joining the startled gasps or yelps from other people, both of them just lost a jumpscare. Whether it is a good one or not is completely half-half.

Akito spared a glance at the screen. Only to put his hand with its palm facing up over the arms between the chairs. “Here. I’ll protect you from the monsters.” Toya almost says that there is already one sitting right beside him, but he bites his tongue.

It’s hard to tell if he’s joking or not considering his smile hasn’t moved an inch, but Toya would be lying if the offer wasn’t tempting. It is so wrong he feels sick, but the urge never goes away.

His chest clenches at the contact. Akito’s skin is warm in contrast to the coolness of the theater room. Toya knows there isn’t anyone sitting behind them and the room is too dark for any other visitors, so there isn’t technically any danger.

Akito squeezed his hand, gaze drifting back to the movie. The action does little to calm the burning nerves beneath Toya’s skin. And his heartbeat is so strong he’s afraid anyone else could hear it, if only they squeezed their ears sharply enough.

Toya spares a glance over his shoulder just in case, confirming that there is indeed nobody behind them. Exhaling, he tries paying attention back to the movie.

Even when the horror and blood is gone, scenes change between themselves and sweat begins to gather between his and Akito’s hands, Toya doesn’t let go. Since he doesn’t, Akito stays still too.

ㅤ

On the walk out, everyone was buzzing.

An still looked a bit apprehensive for each step. Akito teased her about being careful tonight when she goes to sleep, causing the poor girl to shriek.

However, Toya is anything but keen on conflict between his friends. A nice call of Akito’s name caused the boy to drop the topic.

They talked for a little longer about the movie they just watched, closing the day with a photo, as per Kohane’s request. Toya allowed himself to smile just a little wider until the camera let out a soft click.

“Lemme see it.” Akito immediately said, watching in rapt attention as the photo slid out.

“Hehe. Okay.”

Kohane lightly waved the photo in quick successions until the dark square disappeared. Toya and An also moved closer. Between them, were their smiling faces.

So beautiful. Toya could almost cry.

“My Father is going to kill me if he sees that.”

“I’m sure nothing will happen.” An patted his back in solidarity. “Plus, it was worth it, wasn’t it? It’s just one more secret between all of us.”

That, Toya did not dare to deny.

The next few minutes droned into a deep argument about whether they would survive specific scenes the protagonists were too stupid to evade.

Unfortunately, since nothing lasts forever, Kohane and An left to their homes first with the promise of having more days like this in the future.

Akito and Toya bike to the opposite side, wind hitting their faces and skin bathed by the golden sunlight.

And truly, Toya had a lingering sensation looming at the back of his mind that he should get home as quickly as possible, but Akito pointed out that at this time they’re still back at school and therefore there is no hurry.

Instead of comforting Toya, his words only earned Akito a long side eye. Since when did he achieve the point of lying?

“What?” Akito asked innocently enough, easily biking even without looking ahead.

Maybe he’s overthinking it. “I think I need some reading. Maybe that will calm me.”

“Oh, right,” Akito hummed. “There’s a library somewhere around here, isn’t it?”

“Precisely.” Plus, Toya is feeling sticky again. They stood outside long enough for the theater’s coolness to linger off his skin, leaving no protection against the heat whatsoever.

It takes about half their usual route to reach the library. Toya closes his eyes, cutting all contact to reality in favor of only feeling the hot wind brushing his skin.

If he shuts his mind long enough he can forget. He can pretend that nothing happened. And as long as that sentiment stays, it should be fine.

Parking their bikes near the entrance, Toya sighed in relief as cold air covered their bodies. It’s not crowded today, with only a few chairs occupied for so many tables.

“Wow.” Akito’s eyes shine in wonder, looking around. “There’s more books here than the library back at school.”

“We can read all of them. But only bring one home.” Toya absently explained, walking to a section. “Also. No loud noises.”

“Noted.”

Libraries are one of the few places he feels truly comfortable in. He doesn’t mean to explain his vast knowledge about books, but Akito simply asks too many questions (Have you read this book? What do you think of it? Do you think the book is one of your favourites?) and, to be frank, Toya is glad for the distraction, whether it is intentional or not.

He pushes some loose books back as they pass through shelves. That is enough to quell the itch beneath his skin, yet he catches sight of a small pile of books stacked one atop another and suddenly it is back.

Akito watches in mild amusement. There’s no rush at the moment. Sometimes he busies himself with other books on the opposite shelf, opening at a random page and commenting an interesting thought of his. Or he helps Toya hold some of the books, staying a little too into his personal space, whispering his opinions about the books’ synopsis.

This loop rolls into almost an hour. Toya leaves a couple of shelves satisfied until they reach the comic area. Akito skips over in triumph. It’s his turn to act like a walking encyclopedia of comics, showing Toya characters that vary from cartoons to superheroes and funny little mascots.

Akito looks so happy, continuously taking the head of the convo, now talking about the funny origin of superheroes and how some of them make more sense than others. His voice enters an ear and leaves through the other the moment silver eyes flicker down.

Toya’s gaze settles on the front of Akito’s hoodie. The redhead had left it resting inside his backpack the entire time, but due to the library’s better air conditioning when compared to the theater Akito put it on. His drawstrings look even more uneven than they normally used to be.

(Maybe it’s because He knew his own hoodie better than the person standing next to Toya. Perhaps even Toya himself.)

“Hello? You there?”

Toya looks up to meet a wide, dull olive. Akito blinks, tilting his head. “You really dislike disorganized things, don’t you?”

“... Ah?”

“The drawstrings.” Akito quietly responds, smile widening. Toya feels his cheeks heating up. “You’ll be staring at them until you fix them or I put it away, right?”

While that is correct, Toya doesn’t feel safe doing it here. After all, who knows what could transpire if, by some chance, an unaware person were to step in.

“It’s true, yes,” Toya mumbled back. “But I fear I can’t do it right now.”

At that, Akito blinks. “What? Why?”

“Uhm… Let’s just go to another shelf.”

He grabs Akito’s wrist, pulling him to the other side of the library, where they haven’t stepped foot. Toya pinpoints a small corner amidst the perfectly synched shelves, disrupted only in order to add a technological area with a few computers.

“Here is better.” Toya concludes, already reaching for the drawstrings. He stops himself just before touching them. “I hope I’m not imposing.”

“You can’t be imposing if I told you to do it.” Akito replied. “Go ahead.”

With the green light from Akito, Toya finally held each tip in his hands. He began by pulling the left one, which was much higher when in comparison to the other one, lifting the other next. In turn, the hoodie’s hood got crinkled. Toya’s expression pinched, getting to work on that, too.

Pressing his thumb and index finger and tugging the left string adjusted the left side perfectly. Toya got to work on the other side, but then he accidentally pulled it a bit too hard, causing his meticulous work to come undone before his very eyes.

Akito stays still, watching Toya’s fingers working on the drawstrings. Toya knows he must’ve at least been taking 5 minutes of their outing time, his confidence wavers when he borders 10, and it is completely a guess when he reaches the 15 minutes mark.

Finally, the drawstrings are even. Toya thumbs each of them one last time before realizing the distinctly familiar scent invading his nostrils for every inhale. Looking up, Toya discovers he’s hovering much closer to Akito than before.

He immediately steps back as if the closure burnt. It might as well have. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to—”

“It’s fine. No worries.” Akito adjusted his posture, having resorted to leaning against one of the shelves to not disturb Toya. “I like them now. And you look cute when you’re concentrating.”

Toya blinks. Once. Twice. Before he splutters, the blush from before coming back in full force. “You can’t just- You can’t just say that…!”

“Why not? It’s true.” Akito’s smile softened, way too normal to what he says. Toya swallowed thickly.

Any more of this and they’re both not going past the 18’s. The realization is just as morbid as the elephant in the room standing right in front of Toya.

And yet, he cannot bring himself to reprimand Akito.

“Just... Nevermind.” Toya conceded, shifting his attention to the shelf beside them in an attempt to sway his blush away. “We still have some time. Let’s continue.”

For this shelf Toya only had to push some books back to their place. But upon seeing Akito interested in a book, he decided not to interrupt the other just like Akito did with him. So he opted to rearrange books in alphabetical order.

“Check this out.” Akito suddenly whispers, their shoulders nudging against one another as he flips the book to a certain page.

Toya blinks, a little confused. However as he began to read the first few lines of the first paragraph, color drained off his face. By the last word Toya is speechless.

“Where did you find that?” Is all he manages to say.

“Here.” Akito innocently pointed to an empty spot between the books. “I think we accidentally entered the adult section—”

The books Toya was holding in a hand slip to the floor. Akito laughs aloud, quickly mirroring Toya’s crouch to help him.

“Sorryyyy…” Akito whispers, a wide smile on his face. Toya is most definitely sure he’s blushing profusely now.

Needless to say, that earned them a loud ‘Shhh!’ and some curious stares from nearby adults.

ㅤ

ㅤ

“Finally, I can choose what we’ll play!” Kotaro cried out in victory, a stick raised to the air. An expectant Toya and deadpan Akito found out firsthand how little it takes to make Kotaro happy.

“Is that supposed to be a sword?” Akito rubs his nose, not entirely uninterested.

“Hush. Just play along.” Kotaro skipped down from the rock he had been standing on. “Today we are playing Knights and Dragons.”

Akito says it’s a one sided fight. Kotaro says it’s only fair. Toya knows that their last playing-only day was with a soccer ball that came along with many other toys the teacher brought in a box, Akito’s idea, and the one before that with toy cars, Toya’s idea.

Thanks to last time, Toya found out he is absolutely horrible at soccer. He could barely catch it and much less act as a goalkeeper. The only thing keeping him on is the thought he’d be able to watch Akito go against Kotaro in who would hit a goal first. They were three, but Toya often stayed watching at the sidelines, so it didn’t bother them.

Akito had always been passionate about soccer. It was one of the first few things he found out back when they first met. When Akito is old enough, he’s applying to be part of the soccer club in the same school his sister is part of.

It was fun. Very. But then Toya scraped his knee when he attempted to block the way to Akito’s goal. Kotaro yelled how it wasn’t fair that Toya was picking sides, only to apologize profusely when the latter fell to the soft grass with an oof.

So. At the sidelines he stayed. But it was still fun. Toya liked watching Akito.

“For starters, I’ll be the dragon.” Kotaro announced, pointing at himself with a proud grin.

“Why you?” Akito frowns.

“In the land of the decayed, we never get everything we want,” Kotaro said quite grimly. Toya has a bad feeling about this, so he takes a step back. “Which is why I, as the one who chose the game, will be the—” Kotaro throws his sword aside, almost hitting them square in the face. “— dragon!”

Kotaro suddenly pounced forward. Toya and Akito yelped in surprise, picking up their respective swords.

Akito threatened to poke his stick at Kotaro’s eye once he got too close. “So that’s how you’re doing it?!”

Toya had enough fun watching them, once more. He thrusted his sword in every once in a while to protect Akito whenever Kotaro got too close while chasing him.

However, he wasn’t paying attention to his footing, causing Toya to trip. Kotaro takes the chance to mimic a loud roar, chomping his arm. He stills, for a moment unsure how to even react. “You’re dead.” Kotaro said, proudly.

Toya blinked. He fell to his knees, his back hitting the soft grass. Just to make it a little more believable, he stuck his tongue out.

“Toya!” Toya hears Akito calling out. “Wow, super fair!”

“Well, that's the game, and I half-won.” Kotaro shrugged. “Better luck next time. Now, Toya’s a dragon just like me!”

A startled noise. “Wait, what? Nobody agreed to that.”

“See? He’s just waiting to be reborn into the evil side.” Kotaro laughs. “And then we’ll destroy the town!”

“I’ll save him!” Akito yelled. “And destroy your plan!”

“Too late!” There’s a soft noise in Toya’s right ear. Of knees hitting grass. “I’ll turn Toya like me with a kiss. Of death!”

Toya’s eyes snap open. Akito splutters. “No chance!”

The grass is so tall neither Akito nor Kotaro notice. “No way you’re doing that!”

“It’s like the stories.” Kotaro replies. “It is what it is.”

Toya’s brain halts. For a moment he wonders if he should just sit upright, break this farce. But before he chooses it, Toya catches only a glance of chestnut colored hair at the corner of his vision. His eyes close again.

A lump of shadow covers the sunlight behind his eyelids. Just as quick as it appeared it was pushed back, this time a shadow appeared to his left. “Off!”

The lump completely covers his vision, smelling like Akito. Toya’s heart threatens to skip out of his chest with how hard it beats.

Akito kissed him. Persistently and lasting. Like everything else that happened too fast, they part. It is only then that Toya springs upright.

To his left, Akito is blushing like crazy. To his right, Kotaro has a wide eyed look on his face.

“You actually kissed him!” Kotaro covers his own cheeks, which were quickly reddening. “Dude!”

“Toya’s a knight just like me.” Is all Akito said, standing up. Toya’s eyes follow him. Their gazes meet. Akito offers him a hand. “Not a dragon.”

Kotaro’s freaking out ramble is covered by white noise. Toya swallows thickly, accepting Akito’s hand.

ㅤ

Toya’s lips still tingle.

His heart does a funny little tilt when Akito settles beside him. He always does while waiting for their parents to pick them up.

“Was that your…” He begins, voice wavering. Akito glances at him. “... First kiss?”

“Yeah.” Akito murmured. He had just managed to steam off his blush. Toya watches as it tints Akito’s cheeks again a little.

“Sorry. For that.”

Now that he thinks about it, boys kissing are definitely a huge no. Toya cannot even fathom how his parents would react. Or his classmates. Or the teacher. Everyone. Father always said that it is unacceptable for people of the same gender to fall in love, let alone publicly stay together, for the rest of their lives.

Guilt begins pooling in his stomach. He should’ve sat up sooner. Because if he did, Akito wouldn’t have to do that. Kotaro was only kidding, either way.

“It’s fine.” Akito kicks a small pebble. “I gave it to you.”

Toya’s lips purse. He’s not sure how to feel about this. Briefly, he wonders if Akito would’ve done the same if Toya was a girl.

He almost had the gut to ask. Almost. It’s so easy to talk to Akito about small things.

… Is this a small thing?

“At least I can say that I already kissed someone. But I’m never telling anyone who.” Akito lightly joked, nudging their shoulders together. It pulls Toya out of his thoughts.

Ah. His heart did that little funny flip again. “M-Me too…”

No, definitely not a small thing.

“But what if Kotaro tells anyone?”

Akito shrugs. “I’m burning away his CD box.”

“Akito!”

“I’m kidding!” Akito smiles, looking ahead. “But I’d do something. He can’t stick his nose wherever he wants anyway…”

A car rolls up to the front of the school. Akito sits a little straighter.

“Oh. Your parents came first.”

Akito rolls his backpack over his back, hanging it over only one shoulder. “Yeah. See you tomorrow.”

Akito waves, walking up to the car. Toya tilts his head just slightly once Akito opens the door, getting in.

When the door is about to close, Toya sees a man with brown hair. By the time Akito sits in the front, the smile he had mere moments ago is nowhere to be seen.

ㅤ

ㅤ

“Wow. Your room… It’s…”

Akito’s blank expression morphs slightly. Toya watches in muted silence as his gaze rakes across the bedroom.

“... Different.” He concludes.

Toya softly slides his door closed, fully cutting the world outside. It’s nobody except them now. “Really?” He prompts.

Akito nods, putting his backpack on Toya’s chair. It creaks pitifully under the weight of several books of the classes they had today. Toya moved to open the window to let fresh air flow in, his skin already beginning to complain the moment he stepped inside home and nobody was there. It’s still too early to turn the air conditioner on. And the breeze is quite nice when not paired with the sun.

“Really. Some memories didn’t completely disappear,” Akito clarifies, looking around. “Pretty specific ones. They all show a different room. Honestly, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say you’re obsessed with cleaning… Though that isn’t necessarily a lie even before then, isn’t it?”

As Akito rambles, Toya watches the other boy slowly walk around his room. It isn’t big. It has the essentials: a bed, a wardrobe, some small closets, a study desk and a bookshelf. There used to be a piano here, in the corner, but Harumichi decided to bring the item downstairs so things wouldn’t be cramped.

Other than that, he’d say he just decided to make his room cleaner. All it took was an uneventful evening for Toya to find a correct spot for each item. Everything ties down to a consequential harmonious room.

Toya sits in his bed, unable to look away from the object of his affection. He remembers when he and Akito used to stay hours together when Toya’s parents weren’t home for whatever reason. Two weeks ago the thought would only bring a great sense of helplessness. Toya feels nothing just when his heart tells nothing. He isn’t uncomfortable around him anymore.

If anything, he feels guilty. But then the guilt melts into a puddle. It does not react so long as you do not give it any attention. Toya wouldn’t be able to bear the reflection it mirrors.

“If you remember some things, you must know where I stored the comics, right?” His chest warms up involuntarily. “I haven’t changed their place.”

“Maybe. Give me a moment.”

Akito slows down by the shelf, touching some books with the tip of his fingers, but never pulling them out. They’re only bland covers when compared to the shiny and attractive colors of the comics. Toya lets him take his time. Akito is never in a rush. Plus, if he really doesn’t remember everything, there can be time to adjust.

In the silence of his bedroom, Akito’s words worm back in. Different.

Toya admits that back then his room used to be a little messier. He would rather go to sleep than take the time to properly organize his stuff after a day of school. After all, he used to have no rush to come back home. Akito always made it easier to linger outside a little longer.

He would leave small souvenirs on the cabinet just under his window, where the sun shone the brightest. There used to be a single poster of Akito’s favorite band on the wall just beside the wardrobe, strategically placed in an angle that required the viewer to be inside the room. His study desk had two small Pochacco and Badtz-Maru figurines standing beneath the lamp, silently cheering him on.

They’re all stored away now. Toya removed any semblance that could even slightly remind him of Akito. Except that Toya realized everything reminded him of Akito. The silly movie he allowed himself to use in an essay? He watched it with Akito. The little puyo-puyo pins his keys used before? Akito insisted he and Toya bought them so they could forever remember each other. The box of CDs hidden beneath his bed? Akito lent them to him in hopes of introducing Toya to street music.

Naturally, Toya hid them all out of sight. What the eye cannot see the heart cannot feel, or so he tells himself. Like a coward, he pushed everything under the rug after Akito disappeared. Then found. Then hospitalized, almost considered dead had it not been for the faint heartbeat in his chest. He had almost cried in front of everyone. Toya couldn’t acknowledge their presence. He’d hyperventilate. Drone out of reality. His chest would suffer small bouts of pain each time. All it took was a single blink and Akito’s bruised, lifeless face would stare back at him. He’d be swarmed with questions of ‘What if I hadn’t left that rainy night?’, which then would spiral into things he’d rather not think about.

(He almost spirals just from that. But a simple glance forward, to reality, assures him that Akito is still here. In his room. Looking at the covers of some books with curious eyes. Alive.)

He breathes in, deeply.

The top of his study desk must always be clean, save for his notebook and lamp. The first drawer separated small things, such as erasers, highlighters, paper clips, sharpeners, scissors. Toya used to throw away any erasers that showed a seam of imperfection after its first use, but realized it was a bad habit.

The second drawer contains writing items: color pencils, pencils, pens, markers… They must always be sharpened. And pens kept without any scratches to the surface. If there is, they’re also disposed of. The third, lowest drawer is simply for papers. Toya doesn’t open it much.

“Did you read all of these?”

Toya blinks back to reality. “What?”

“The books.” Akito pushed it back into place. Just from the back he knows it is Beethoven Piano Sonatas. “They look boring.”

“That’s because you play them. Not read like normal books.” Toya commented, finding Akito’s reaction a little funny.

Akito stared for a while. Toya can practically see the gears turning in his head. Then his eyes widened, recognizing flooding in. “Oh.”

“Yeah. Oh.” Toya parroted, standing up. “Any idea of where the comics are?”

“Ah. Right. No.”

Toya has a brief feeling Akito forgot, but lets it slide. He walked up to climb his chair, Akito’s gaze following him, and pulled out a box from the top of the wardrobe.

Akito gaped, expression flabbergasted.

“How was I supposed to know that!”

“You simply would.” Toya shrugged, putting the box down. “That means you really don’t remember.”

It’s inevitably covered in a thin layer of dust. Toya grimaced just when Akito picked one up. Olive eyes scan the red cover, where a cartoon character grinned at the viewer mid battle with an ugly monster.

Toya flips through the covers, searching for a particular one with intent.

“Here.”

Offering the comic between them, Akito’s attention diverged to the object. The entire reason Akito is in Toya’s room is because he’d come across some stored comics. Except that he was missing the 4th volume. And whined about it all day, until Toya proposed he might have it with him.

Now, all he feels is a little giddiness in his chest at the sight of Akito brightening up. “Yes, that’s the one. Awesome.”

“You can keep it. I’ve already read it.”

It belonged to Him, after all.

Akito smiles, crinkles beneath his eyelids, and Toya feels himself smiling a little too. Akito’s joy is contagious

“Read with me.”

“Okay. Let me just put this aside.”

Toya pushes the box back to the top of the wardrobe. Once his feet are back to the floor, Akito is sitting in the middle of Toya’s bed, just by the open window. He’s reading the summary at the back of the comic.

For a moment, Toya stills. The breeze blows a bit harsher and Akito’s ginger locks move with its flow. The sunlight is still merciless at this time of the year, yet it showers his best friend in a different light, washing the side of his face and lighting up the almost unnoticeable freckles in his cheeks.

A feeling he knows too well threatens to burst out of his chest, pushing away the warmth that gradually resided there. Toya approached Akito, every step as heavy as rocks, sitting across from him, mirroring his position of crossed legs.

“Can you even read like that?” Akito asks, clueless as always, looking up.

“I still remember how it goes.” Toya replies, averting his gaze to the upside down drawings laid across his bed. “I want to know your thoughts while you read.”

“Well, I can’t think properly knowing you’re just sitting there. Come on.” Akito scoots to the side. Toya’s bed is definitely not meant for two teens, he thinks to himself, once he settles beside Akito.

“Better?” Toya asks once he’s satisfied.

“Better.” Akito hums, opening the comic to the first page. “Now, let’s see…”

They managed to read for about a few pages out loud. Toya’s memory is refreshed after a certain point and every other page suddenly doesn’t matter all that much. Silver eyes drone onto the drawings.

Sometimes, Akito would let his Japanese slip and misinterpret the words when reading aloud. Naturally, Toya corrected him. Each time he did so would bring a small flush to the former’s cheeks, along with an ‘I knew that’ or ‘Ah. Close enough’. Toya wonders how Akito even managed to read the other 3 volumes without completely slaughtering the story.

“But if you think about it, wouldn’t it be more interesting if the protagonist simply didn’t hesitate?” Akito asked after the umpteenth correction, propping his back against the open window. “I mean, at least he would’ve seen the enemy and shot straight ahead.”

Toya shakes his head. “The fact he hesitated allows for more development later in the story.” He pauses, before adding: “You should study more kanji.”

At that, Akito wilts. “It’s boring.”

Nothing Toya hasn’t heard before. “But necessary. I won’t be there all the time to keep correcting your reading.”

Akito wilts further, as if Toya just uttered blasphemies.

“Then study with me.” He mutters.

“I don’t need to study what I already know.”

“You’re so cold…” Akito’s lip trembled as he looked down at the comic. “Now I don’t want to read anymore. Toya’s going to keep correcting me and pestering me about my vocabulary.”

“I won’t.” He bumps his knee against Akito’s before he can stop himself in a sudden rise of confidence. Akito bumps back. “I can read, if you'd like.”

Akito feigns thought, offering the comic to Toya. “I’m tired of reading anyway.”

The rest of the evening is spent reading the comic. Toya had only borrowed one, so the storytelling was quick. And the rest of the house remained silent.

Their knees stayed pressed the entire time. Toya thought Akito would eventually move away with how much he shifted in place or leaned a little too close to make fun of or point out small details, swarming his vision with ginger. But he didn’t.

Toya’s thumb digs at the corner of the page. Perhaps it is because he feels too at ease, or the breeze took his good sense away, but the next time Akito blocks his vision of the comic, he bumps their heads together.

The action brings a warmth he hasn’t felt in so long to wash away his worries. Akito’s calling his name in that playful tone of his, he knows, yet Toya cannot bring himself to reply. He closes his eyes, Akito’s soft, fluffy hair tickling his face.

Akito partly turns his head after a while, silence enveloping the two now that Toya isn’t reading anymore. The wind still brushes their hair every now and then. Toya opens his eyes to Akito peeking at him from the corner of his eye. “You okay?”

He still isn’t moving away.

That ugly feeling tears his insides again. Toya is such a horrible human being. For acting like this. For daring to cross His boundaries.

“Yes.” Immediately, he settled back to his original spot, back completely flushed to the wall. His face burns, feeling the ghost of softness. “I’m just tired.”

“You should rest.” Akito concludes, tilting his head. “Gimme that. Let me read this before you doze off. And no, I don’t want you correcting me about my reading skills.”

It is in a daze between hell and heaven that Akito pries the comic from out of Toya’s loose hold. The bluehead swallows dryly, trying to pay attention to the rest of the story. He digs his knee harder into the fabric of Akito’s pants above the other’s knee. As he feared, nothing.

ㅤ

ㅤ

Toya breathes deeply the scent of nature. Today is a quiet day, the kind that only rolls around on the weekend. Beside him, he pushes his bike, the engine squeaking incessantly and sometimes deviating due to small pebbles or uneven marks in solid ground.

Toya’s passing by a long field of golden wheat when a car passes past him towards the direction he’s coming from. He moves to the side, waiting until it is at a safe distance past him to continue his walk.

He’s aware he could be riding his bike instead of sweating under the sunlight of a Saturday marked in March, but sometimes, there’s not anything particularly bad with the idea of taking a walk.

His heart skips a beat when he finally spots a two-story house with a silver gate, walking a little faster.

Once Toya is standing in front of the residence, he’s about to press the doorbell when he notices Akito sitting by the stairs in the entrance door, knees close to his chest as much as possible and arms folded atop them with his face pressed in. Toya’s hand lowers.

“Akito?”

The boy in question lifts his head. Toya’s taken aback to see a red mark on Akito’s cheek. Countless questions flood his mind as Akito does not hesitate to run to the gate, opening it and stepping out.

“Hey.” Akito smiles, seemingly unaffected. But Toya can see how his eyes are a little red and there’s clear angry marks at the ends of his eyes.

“Hi,” Toya greets back. He isn’t sure if he should ask the obvious. “What about your bike?”

“I got grounded. So it’s stuck inside the garage.” Akito’s smile turns grim, replying to Toya's silent question by himself. Just as quickly as it appears it disappears. Akito steps closer to check Toya’s bike out. “You got a new one?” It’s not a question.

“I actually had it for a while… But I never used it.” Scratching his cheek, Toya steps aside to let Akito get a better look.

The bike itself is rather new. Toya hasn’t really brought it outside prior to Akito’s restless questioning a few years prior.

It still had its training wheels a few hours before Toya planned to visit Akito today. But he doesn’t need to know that.

“I like it.” Akito says, looking at Toya. “Let’s ride it.”

“Let’s? As in both of us?”

“It’s possible.” Akito holds the bike still, tapping the middle section that doesn’t really look like a place someone can sit. Especially a male. “You’re a little taller than me, so maybe you can sit in the actual seat while I stay here. Or—”

“I haven’t… Rode it before.” A gulp. For a moment, silence.

Akito’s smile freezes. He slowly straightens his back. Toya thinks Akito’s knuckles whiten as he grips the bike harder. “You’re kidding.”

Toya jumps internally. “No.” Yes. 100%. “I just… Haven’t gotten the chance… To use it yet. But you can.” Without thinking, Toya put his hand in the seat. “I’ll take the seat. Since your bike is locked away, you can use mine.”

Akito hums. He presses his thumb over the perfect painting. Save for the dirt and mud clinging to the tires, it is practically brand new.

“Okay.”

At first Toya was wary about two boys sitting on a bike that is presumably made for one person. It felt a little wobbly since Akito had to get used to the double weight on the back and he only gripped tighter onto Akito’s shoulders whenever it trembled, but once they’re out, it’s stable.

Toya’s hold onto Akito’s shoulders slowly loosened. Instead of getting hit in the face by the wind the further Akito pedals, it is a gentle breeze that welcomes him. He slowly opens his eyes that had closed at some point.

They bike past houses and even more fields of various crops. Some of the elderly recognize Akito, others even calling his name, of which he answers with a loud ‘Good evening!’

“How’s it feeling?” Akito asks without straying his eyes forward once they leave Kubitachi village, slowing down a slope.

“I like it. It’s nice.” Toya looks to the side, where a patch of forest begins. A little more forward and it’s completely rounded by nature.

Toya properly settles in the seat as Akito keeps pedalling now a little faster.

“That means you’ll lose this fear of yours and try biking, right?”

Whatever calmness Toya had evaporated in the blink of an eye. Turns out he can’t really lie to Akito.

“Yes. At least I’ll try.”

“You better. There’s lots of places I’m sure you haven’t visited. In fact, I think I have the perfect place in mind as a start.”

“Where?” Toya asks.

“If I told you, I’d spoil the fun, wouldn’t I?”

Akito looks over his shoulders as he says so, a grin on his face. At the same time the sight caused Toya’s heart to skip a beat, that bruise is now clear as day.

He wants to ask where it came from. But Akito might not be ready to talk about it. Toya doesn’t want to pry for answers nor make Akito uncomfortable for the sake of curiosity. The atmosphere is nice and Akito appears to be having genuine fun.

With him. And Toya would be lying if he said he isn’t having fun either.

So he musters a smile back. Pleased, Akito shifts his attention back to pedalling.

ㅤ

Toya gapes at the view before them. Akito instructed him to slowly maneuver out of the bike through the side so as to not make it topple over after all this time without any casualties. Once done, Toya inhaled deeply, the wind gently caressing his face as if welcoming new faces. Up here has such a strong smell of nature and, oddly, freedom.

Turns out that the place Akito considered a convincing surprise is a hill high enough that it offers a wonderful view of their surroundings and a huge patch of sky. Toya stares ahead. Upwards. To the clouds and the orange-yellow tinted sky, gradually losing sunlight as the sun descends into a night.

The village is a week into summer, not a smidge of winter lingering back. The grass is soft when it tickles above Toya’s shoes. He takes a moment to inhale deeply this scent that even between villages is impossible to feel. Something that is completely natural.

“Tadah.” Akito carefully drops the bike on the soft grass, skipping over to Toya with a bright smile. “I come here sometimes. The view is nice and the wind is refreshing.”

Their gazes meet for a brief moment. Akito takes two steps ahead of him. It is in this brief moment that Toya feels like Akito (shirt untucked, looking no better than Toya’s sweaty form, with some of his teeth missing) fits here like a puzzle piece.

“It is.” Toya agrees, unable to help himself as his gaze is glued to Akito. The latter only smiles wider.

A weird sensation washes over his heart. Toya isn’t able to put a name on it. But it squeezes his heart in a painless yet tight embrace. He isn’t sure what brought it up either. Like Akito said, Toya couldn’t agree any less about this place being anything other than comforting.

If anything, he could stay here forever. The sensation would eventually fade away and then there’d be nothing but warmth.

As if on cue, a different type of warmth wraps around his hand. Toya looks down to see Akito’s hand interlinked with his own. Apparently Akito loves to catch Toya off guard when he isn't paying attention.

“Come a little closer to the edge?” He says.

Toya immediately shakes his head, squeezing Akito’s hand tighter as images of high places flash between his blinking. It’s too high and Toya is afraid of heights. Akito must’ve expected his response, because he reaches for Toya’s other hand. Akito’s hands used to be a bit smaller than his own, but Kotaro kept pointing out his growth spurt and how he’ll lag behind by the time Akito reaches Toya.

He sees it now, their hands fitting perfectly.

It is almost on a trance that silver eyes slide back to sunset tinted olive ones in a new light. They curl a little as Akito smiles a little wider. Determined.

“I’ll be right here, beside you. And I promise I won’t let you go.”

Toya swallows something thick. Akito’s touch is grounding. His heartbeat slowly calms down further and further for each intake of oxygen he does.

I promise I won’t let you go.

The world around them suddenly encloses. There is nothing more than the grass beneath his shoes and Akito’s touch. Toya briefly wonders if Akito means more than that. More than this moment.

“Are you still scared?”

“Just a bit.” Toya replies, tone only a smidge louder than the wind.

Akito hums and looks down at their hands. That pressure around Toya’s heart aches. “That’s okay. Consider it the cherry on top of our first ever journey together. They always say that it’s good to have multiple feelings in the mix when you try new stuff, I guess.”

Next thing Toya knows he is being pulled forward more insistently. A droplet of sweat rolls down the back of his neck and he thinks his hands are beginning to turn clammy, yet Akiro never lets go. It takes nothing more than a few steps for Toya to shut his eyes closed so hard his eyelids tremble.

“There it is.” Akito whispers. “We’re not that close to the edge. Don’t worry.”

Toya slowly opens his eyes to a sight he will never forget.

From the top of the hill they can see Kubitachi Village in its quiet yet ancient glory. There’s nothing particularly attention-catchy or something that immediately draws his attention, but wow, they really can see everything from up here.

This is where they live. The place where they spend the entire day.

“How long have you known this place?”

“I discovered it last year.” Akito said. Shrugs. “Didn’t end well, my parents were worried sick since I refused to come back home… But hey, at least I discovered it.”

Toya tears his gaze away from the wonderful sight, mind still covered in clouds so long as their hands remain together.

He means to reply with something along the lines of ‘why did you do it?’ when he realizes Akito is already looking at him. The question immediately dies in his tongue. Once their gazes meet, that smile he wore moments prior bleeds away just as quietly as the world around them.

“Can I ask you a weird question?” Akito asks, expression unreadable.

Toya nods, a spark of curiosity stirring. Akito slowly inhales.

“You ever think about how small this looks from up here?”

Any questions Toya could’ve thought of disappeared just as quickly.

Naturally, villages are supposed to be small. At least he thinks so. And he almost offers that reply when he focuses back on Akito and notices how he’s looking at Toya intently.

“I don’t know,” Toya says, slowly grasping Akito’s words. “I haven’t checked much. But from up here… Yes.”

“Same. Somewhat. I’ve been through every nook and cranny.” Akito’s been living here his entire life. Toya assumed as much, especially from the stories he’d randomly dropped of his experiences just to see Toya’s reaction. “But things can get… Tiring, you know?”

Toya stays silent, tilting his head slightly. Akito takes it as a cue to continue. “I still mean what I said back then. I’d take the first chance to leave this place. Check out the rest of the world. Try different foods. Get to see how other countries function when the TV isn’t turned on. I’d love to sing at these places.”

“It makes me wonder if there’s more to life than just following other’s wishes. Can’t I just carve my own path? Would it be so bad to choose a path that makes you happy, even if it is uncertain?”

He squeezes Akito’s hands at the helplessness that slowly weighs on his shoulders. There are times where Toya realizes Akito is more naive than he lets on. Had it been his Father Toya would say these words to…

Sore fingertips. Endless music. Countless attempts. Only standing up from that seat when He is satisfied enough. Only for the same thing to happen again the next day. Only for Toya to get to feel enough for less than 24 hours.

But Akito’s relationship with music is different. There are days they stay at school a little longer than usual just to hear new songs that come out always bring a smile to Akito’s face. Then he would joke, telling Toya that maybe he could make a cover like the ones posted on the internet.

Akito liked to hover over the music section of the very few shops that bothered to have them. He’d show Toya their covers, flip them around and check the list of songs within. If any of them caught his attention, Akito would buy it.

The fact he barely, if even at all, got to explore Shibuya besides looking out from the windows of his house or attending Father’s music visits… It’s certain his response won’t completely satisfy Akito’s spiral of words.

But Toya can try.

“Maybe. I have a few memories of Shibuya before moving here. I remember never feeling alone because the lights there never went out. I’d see auditions and sometimes street singers.”

“Did they sing well?” Akito asked, the corner of his lip tilting upwards.

“Yes. But I’ve only been passing by. They sang like the music you like to hear.”

He wished he lingered more, though. If only a little longer. Just to be able to tell Akito so much more right now.

Back then he’d only been moving on automatic. Days turned into blurs and before he knew it all he remembered were the music sheets standing just in front of his face.

“I’m not sure what counts as a good future. But if it feels yours that’s good enough, isn’t it?”

Akito scoffs. “Exactly what I mean. They’d never see that.”

Toya hummed. Looked down. “... I guess.”

Akito immediately noticed when Toya’s gaze shifted to Akito’s cheek once more. Toya bit the inside of his cheek.

“I’m surprised you still didn’t ask anything about it.” Akito said with a small smile that didn’t reach his eyes. His tone holds no hostility or unwillingness.

“Can I? Who did that?” Toya immediately asks. He can only agree and go along now that Akito gave the green light. “Was it those boys at school?” He doesn’t doubt it. They kept prodding and poking fun at Akito over unnecessary things. It was only a question of time before things came to this point.

“No. It was Dad.” Akito muttered, almost inaudibly, avoiding his gaze.

Whatever words Toya had prepared to scold Akito for getting into fights or sticking his nose where he shouldn’t die down. He’s left speechless, staring at that mark in his cheek in an entirely different light.

They had another fight. This is the 3rd one this summer, and it’s only been 2 weeks.

“Doesn’t hurt that much, though,” Akito added after a bout of silence, suddenly finding something over Toya’s shoulder more interesting than their topic at hand. “Since you’re here and we’re far from that place.

A new heaviness settles over them, unfitting for Akito’s small smile.

Toya’s fingers twitch from where their hands are entwined. Any longer and they might start burning.

He cannot name the sensation that washes over him. Akito got hurt and Toya couldn’t do anything to stop it.

“I’ll take you to Shibuya. Then you’d sing all you want and meet anyone you’d like. We wouldn’t have to follow any paths they want and we’d be free to do anything we feel like doing.” Toya murmurs.

Akito looks at him.

He’s sure he’s stiff as a board and is probably holding Akito’s hands way too tightly. But the other doesn’t stop him. If anything, Akito’s hands go slack.

He’d show Akito everything his best friend isn’t able to see from here. They would be inseparable. Glued to the hip just like the elderly say wherever they pass by.

Maybe then he’d finally also get to enjoy these small things by Akito’s side. They’d go through it slowly and steadily.

Akito slowly exhaled. “Promise?”

Toya isn’t sure this will ever work out. Maybe if he did as much piano lessons as his Father wants and he finally gets the money he keeps talking on and on about. He’d become a famous pianist just like he used to fantasize back then. To make both Akito and his Father happy.

Looking up, Akito’s looking down to their hands, too. Toya finally loosens his grip.

“I promise.”

I won’t let you go either.

ㅤ

ㅤ

Toya only realizes he’s crying when a tear rolls down his cheek.

His legs ache from how long he’s been crouching but he makes no move to stand up. Extending an arm, Toya slowly adjusts the rock so it would be right in the center of many other rocks, tilted to the side just enough in a way that all the distance is the same.

Come to think of it, that was the only time he saw Akito acting anything remotely close to vulnerable. After that day, everything went back to normal. As if nothing happened.

Like everyone suddenly believed that Akito’s excuse of hitting a pole due to not staring ahead while walking is the biggest truth conceivable.

There’s so much that could’ve been done back then.

Toya gently pushes the memories away. He can’t even feel angry right now. This is all he has left of Akito.

Looking down to the makeshift grave, he sighed. There’s no cross to make it official. No numbers or symbols to differentiate this rock from the other rocks. No letters to give even the slight idea that there’s someone buried here.

Just one stone among many. Toya presses it into place anyway, his thumb pressing over its center.

This is the best he can do to honor Akito’s death, huh.

“Oh, you’re here.”

Toya looks over his shoulder. Akito is standing by the shed’s entrance, his hand propped over the side. Olive eyes briefly scan the insides before settling back on Toya.

“Mom said you’d be waiting for me in the backyard.” Akito hums, answering Toya’s silent question.

“Well. I’m here.” Toya looks back to the rock.

Akito kneels beside Toya, mirroring his position. There’s a moment of silence.

“Is this…?”

“Nothing much.” Toya murmurs. “Just something I thought I’d remember him by.”

Even if he's dead and nobody knows. Even if he’s long gone and left just like that. Even if Toya is the last one to deserve to feel like this after what happened.

He’d do anything to take his words back. To rethink the situation properly and actually communicate with Akito. Maybe then he wouldn’t have gone to the mountain. He’d still be here, laughing with An and Kohane. Playing pretend fight with Kotaro. Trying out new music genres and bothering Toya late at night because he forgot about tomorrow’s homework.

Toya is long past the phase of tears at the mere thought of him. They’ve all been poured in these nights. All he feels now is a deep hollowness inside his chest that is somehow being filled by the presence beside him. And only it.

“What was he like?” He asked.

Toya glanced to the side, fully expecting Akito to be staring at the makeshift grave. But his attention is on Toya instead.

What was he like, indeed.

Can Toya still consider himself someone who knows?

“He was hard to read sometimes,” Toya said, slowly. “He was the only other kid my age in this village so, naturally, we were attached to the hip at a really early age.”

As much as they could, anyway. For a while Harumichi never harbored any resentment towards Akito, or at least he never let it show. But the more they grew the less he looked keen on letting Akito stay at the Aoyagi household.

It never stopped Akito, though. The window to Toya’s bedroom was Akito’s first choice to break in. Plan B was the back entrance. He always joked that eventually Plan C would be a whole he’d have to dig directly to Toya’s bathroom.

“He hated every time An got a higher score, telling us next time would be his time. Sometimes they’d make bets..”

While study evenings were extremely rare for the four of them, Toya vividly remembers one certain time where Akito felt particularly determined to study. An had pulled an all nighter to do a project due the next morning, so all she did was watch Akito ‘explain how to do the Bhaskara equation as if she was a 3 year old’ or something like that.

“What he lacked in studying paid off in what he loved. I’d still scold him for not doing schoolwork properly, yet slowly, I let him off the hook more and more.”

“He loved music right?” It asked with a small tilt of his head, hand propped against his cheek.

“You remember that.” Toya means it as a question. His surprise doesn’t let him.

“Some fragments. Not the whole picture.”

Toya hums, suddenly feeling self aware. He looks back to the rock.

Of course it doesn’t. It’s been solidified between them a while ago.

All it has are fragments, nothing else. Just enough to imitate him. Just enough to speak with his voice and wear his face. But never enough to understand.

Toya exhales quietly through his nose.

“He loved it,” He says after a moment. “More than anything.”

He’d be the first person to know that. But things did change. And changed, they stayed, forever unmoved now that he’s gone.

“He couldn’t sit still when he heard a song he liked. Even if he pretended he didn’t care, his foot would start tapping. He’d start humming without noticing. Other times he’d do it whenever we were alone.”

Sometimes he would stare at Toya expectantly, as if expecting Toya to telepathically know his thoughts. He was never good at it but Akito kept on trying anyway.

Akito listens without interrupting.

“He said music felt… big.” Toya pauses. Searches for the right word. “Like it was bigger than the village. Bigger than everything here. He used to say that one day he’d go somewhere with bright lights everywhere. Where people sang in the streets and nobody thought it was strange. I suggested Shibuya. It sounded great enough back then.”

“And you? Did you want to go with him?”

Toya’s heart skips a beat. Not in the good sense. In the sense that they’re threading territory that hasn’t been checked in a long, long time. He thinks he feels his eyes sting with unshed tears at the mere thought.

For a second, he almost says yes. Instead, he lets out a quiet breath. “I promised I would.”

“But we’re still here.”

That’s something he’d say. Toya can tell he doesn’t mean to act like Akito, not when they're alone. Yet in small moments like these it is just so easy to imagine Akito crouching beside him instead.

“I guess.” Toya murmured. He cannot stare at the grave anymore. “The difference between you two is that he’s never coming back.”

Having finally voiced his thoughts after having them rolling around his head for so long feels weird.

He doesn’t wait for a response, suddenly extending his arm to pinch Akito’s cheek. Not enough to hurt, for his entire being trembles. It has Akito looking at him with eyes wide with confusion either way.

Just as easily as the moment of familiarity slips in, it slides away again. Akito would never stare at Toya like this. He’d always be smirking or keeping up a tough act in public. In private, he’d be more relaxed. But never looking at Toya like this.

“We’re here.” Akito corrects. That curiosity morphs into another expression Toya’s never seen before, let alone describe it. “You’re not in Shibuya. So you’re staying here.”

At that, Toya cannot bring himself to reply. He squeezes Akito’s cheek harder instead.

The side of his mouth quirks up. “You know I can’t feel that, right?”

All Toya can muster is a small smile of his own. He doesn't let Akito’s cheek go. “I know. I still want to do this, though.”

ㅤ

“— Starting with today’s weather, temperatures across the region remained unusually high, with many towns recording their hottest day of the summer so far. Residents are advised to stay hydrated and avoid prolonged exposure to the afternoon sun.”

“The heat is expected to continue through the week, with clear skies and little chance of rain. While the warm weather may be welcome for summer events and travels, it also marks the start of an important season for students.”

“With midterm examinations approaching next month, schools across the country are encouraging students to stay focused and spend more time on their studies. Teachers say preparation during the summer period often plays a major role in students’ final results, with experts backing up their claims with tips to prepare the student properly in order to achieve high grades. Scan the QR code at the bottom of the screen for more info…”

“At the same time, a growing number of students are looking beyond their hometowns when planning their future. According to recent education reports, many young people are choosing to move to larger cities, or even overseas, in search of better universities and job opportunities.”

“With the job market expanding and the tax of unemployment growing, many citizens have voiced their concerns related to…”

Toya pokes the piece of beef in his plate absently. He’s long stopped staring at the TV screen the moment the topic landed. Each word causes him to want to curl around himself further and further until there’s no indication he was ever here.

He really didn’t mean to bring a sense of uncomfortableness to the topic, but as Toya eventually learned to find out, anything is tense when you’re sitting across Harumichi. Mother might as well be a ghost nowadays.

Silver eyes slowly look up, settling on his Father’s face. The signs that he’s aging. His ongoing stress recently. The fact he’s been shutting himself in his office more and more every day.

Your Father has rejected many opportunities to travel and perform overseas just to stay home and teach you. You should repay his kindness by doubling your efforts.

Toya tried. He really did. Initially he gave his best, except everything began to deteriorate from the inside out as time passed.

Harumichi was never too keen on it but he let things slide. Toya feels bad at the mere thought but never brings himself to touch the elephant in the room. Honestly, he cannot remember the last time he spoke to Harumichi with not an ounce of precaution.

“It’s that time of the year, huh.” Harumichi slowly says. The news has changed to weather reports now. Nothing but sunny skies except on Friday, which is bound to rain a little. “Have you been studying for midterms, Toya?”

It’s as if a cold bucket of water is poured onto him. Toya swallows dryly. “Yes.”

He’s already looking at Harumichi once the latter turns to face him.

“I hope you can at least get good grades to go to a good college.” ‘If you’re so insistent in dropping classical music’ goes unsaid. Toya feels more sick by the minute.

It’s not that he wants to drop it as a whole. He knows Harumichi spent a lot of time and effort teaching him when he was a kid. Yet all it takes is a few minutes sitting in front of the piano and he can remember the way his fingers hurt back then. The cold, expectant look that never wavered off him. Stern voice. Dead quiet. The smallest sound having Toya hope it is anything that’d cut their practice time short.

Harumichi only stopped insisting when Akito was hospitalized after disappearing in the mountains and Toya stopped going down to eat.

He really thought Harumichi would force Toya to practice. But he never did. He even stopped talking about it as a whole.

It should make Toya feel better. The hollowness never disappears.

“I’m trying my hardest.” He’s not.

Harumichi hums.

“That’s good. Once you’re old enough and pass entrance exams, we’ll have to look for a college outside of this village…” He takes a moment to eat. Toya’s sweating cold. He despises this topic. “I know you’ve been evading choosing a career path, but there’s still time to think about it.”

Toya wonders just when ‘enough time left’ will turn into ‘you have to choose now’.

He’s always been the kind to follow what his parents asked, never giving much thought to what he truly wants. The one thing he truly wanted is no longer within reach.

“After all,” Harumichi says after a while. “Your friend used to talk a lot about leaving the city to go to college. I thought you’d at least take that from him.”

At least.

Akito really doesn’t deserve the comments from people around the village who don’t know better. Toya’s stomach tightens.

What else is he supposed to say? That Akito was a good influence for Toya? He’s everything Harumichi loathed, even if they never spoke directly. Dyed hair. Loud. Determination mistaken as arrogance. Someone whose father doesn’t function well in the head.

“Darling…” Mother finally speaks up. Toya can see from the corner of his eye Harumichi’s lip curl downwards as if Toya did the wrong thing anyway. Harumichi drops the words he had left to say, taking a few sips of his water.

“I am thinking about it.” If his voice wavers, Harumichi doesn’t say anything. Anything to end this topic. “I’ll think about it and have the answer by the end of school. I promise.”

“Me and your Mother know what’s best for you. I’ve been hoping you’d realize that after what you did,” Harumichi slowly says, his voice composed. His eyes glint with something Toya cannot name. “And how the harsh truth affected him. We don’t want that for you.”

Toya cannot reply, fists clenching beneath the table. Harumichi fully drops the subject once the weather report is over, gray eyes shifting back to the screen. The next topic is lost among the white noise ringing in his ears.

Akito never even had a chance to leave this cursed village. He wanted more than anything to have a chance like this one. But here Toya is feeling as if this is some sort of punishment.

He’s dead. He’s dead. He’s dead. He’s dead. He’s dead. He’s dead. He’s dead. He’s dead. He’s dead. He’s dead. He’s dead. He’s dead. He’s dead. He’s dead. He’s dead. He’s dead. He’s dead. He’s dead. He’s dead. He’s dead.

Toya almost offers to go back to practice. That he’ll drop college as a whole. Step back into that podium Harumichi built for him and stay there until he finally has the stability, money and fame that Harumichi always spoke of.

That’s what Toya thought back then. It’s worming its way back now. But his tongue is too heavy to even utter a single word.

In a sad, sadistic way, he wonders what Akito would say when he told him this the next day.

“You can’t go back crawling to your dad now. We’ll find a way out of this.

“If you really feel like you need to get the hell out of that place, come to mine. My old man’s not any better, but at least he knows how to keep his distance.

“I guess we can… Study. Yeah, that’s my prompt of today, thank you very much.”

Or maybe he wouldn’t say anything at all. Not after what happened. He’d leave Toya rotting with his own problems and find any other place in the world to escape to.

Once Harumichi finishes his food, Toya realizes he didn’t eat half of his own. It’s cold now.

He throws the rest in the trash.

ㅤ

Toya likes to think his endurance isn’t that weak. That for someone who’s spent most of his life cooped up inside rooms and exercises on the way to and back from school he is quite average. Nothing could quite make him think otherwise when not many chances arose.

A few groceries? Just give the list and money, Toya can go buy them without a sweat. Washing dishes? Toya does it whenever Harumichi isn’t nearby, sharing the activity with his mom. Mowing the lawn…?

Okay. That one he isn’t that confident.

Point is, Toya’s ego only gets more bruised the more he holds this ladder still.

Ms. Sato’s roof loosened a bit after yesterday’s strong winds. She was wary to ask anyone for help after her husband almost slipped off the edge, but after Akito’s insistence that he can fix it, she reluctantly allowed them to climb.

‘Them’ as in Akito. Toya just stays here, holding the ladder so it has no chance to slip while Akito hammers some loose screws and adjusts the tiles in a way no gaps are left. Normally Toya would be glad to help other villagers. But he draws the ghost of a line when the sunlight burns his skin and he consequently sweats more than usual. Mornings have the harshest suns in summer. Yet the nights are vastly colder.

“Must’ve made a lot of noise when it fell, huh.” Akito said aloud from up there, focused on his task.

Ms. Sato is a few feet away from Toya, standing on her porch where the sun blissfully doesn’t reach. Toya never felt more tempted his entire life to join her side. But then again, the ladder could slip any moment. “Sure did. Got us waking up at 5AM. It was only when I left the house that I realized just what made that noise.” She sighs, reminiscing the fresh memories. Her downcast eyes changed the moment she looked up. “Be careful up there. That roof hasn't been checked in a few good years.”

“It’s not that much, really,” Akito says. Toya wonders to himself just when Akito knows how to fix roofs. “I just need some more time. Then it’ll be good as new.”

“Oh, good.” Ms. Sato sighs, her expression softening. “Thank you so much. Say, are you two thirsty? I could get water for both of you.”

“Please.” Toya speaks for the first time in a while, jumping at the chance.

“I’m almost done. But yeah.” Akito adds. Ms. Sato gives them a warm smile before retreating to her home.

Toya squeezes the ladder tighter. The possibility of becoming a puddle doesn't seem that bad. Even the air he inhales is hot for his lungs. He continuously feels beads of sweat rolling down his skin. For all he knows, he’s already in the middle of becoming one.

“Bollocks.”

Toya hates the heat. He hates standing under the sun. He hates how it makes him feel. He hates—

“Pass me the hammer?” Akito suddenly calls out. “Damn thing won’t come loose.”

Toya’s arm moves on automatic, his list still ongoing in the back of his mind. He almost doesn’t reach the hammer sitting on a nearby table. With it in hand, he looks up in order to properly lend it to Akito.

Which proves to be a big mistake.

Akito’s still focused on pulling loose planks, if the pitiful creaks Toya barely hears are any indication. Instead of handing the hammer over, Toya’s gaze zeroes on Akito’s untucked school uniform.

Or, rather, the stomach it always hid.

Toya swallows thickly, his face heating up for an entirely different reason. Memories rush back in from just a simple glance: of a stuffy gym closet room, unbuttoned school uniform, weird sensations on his hand…

His dead friend.

He immediately ripped his gaze away when his mind threatened to spiral again. Deep breaths.

“... Here.”

Akito flashes a grin, taking the hammer. He looks just as flushed as Toya. Something tells him Akito probably doesn't feel any of it, though. “Thanks.”

Akito finished just in time for Ms. Sato to come back with two cups of freezing cold water. It’s a little hard to swallow at first despite how heavenly it feels down his throat. Meanwhile, Akito finishes it in a few gulps.

“You look like you’re about to pass out.” Akito notices, leaning his hip against the table. The scorching sun traces a golden form around his back, almost shadowing Akito’s smug expression.

“Try standing under the sun for that long. See what it does to you.”

“I did, though.”

Toya puts down his partly filled cup of water. “I’m sure the breeze up there felt nicer than down here.” It’s not like the heat affected you before goes unsaid.

Akito’s eyes narrow a bit. Tilts his head. “Last time I remember, you have a fear of heights. I don’t think up there would be very comfortable for you. After all, you almost blanked out back when we ate lunch on the rooftop with An and Kohane.”

Toya’s mouth partly opens, a reply at the tip of his tongue. Akito is clearly teasing him right now. He even waits for Toya’s reply, his smile widening the longer the silence settles in.

Thankfully, he bites it back, because Ms. Sato comes back once more with a plate of sliced watermelon. “Here, boys. Freshly picked this week.”

Whatever floated between them was swiftly cut once Akito flashed another wide smile. “Cool!” Akito gladly accepts them.

He cannot help but let his gaze linger a bit longer at the cross necklace she wore, shining ever so brightly when put under the right shade of sunlight. Something pitiful begins creeping up his insides.

They eat in silence by the porch, their legs dangling on the stairs. They can get a decent view of a part of Kubitachi from here with Ms. Sato’s house standing by a hill, even if most of it is trees and green scenery. Being careful to not swallow any seeds, Toya feels better about the heat, even if he can feel his own uniform sticking to his back.

A really small village. Like it always has been.

“You looked lost in thought back there. What were you thinking about?” Akito inquiries, breaking the silence. Toya can barely hear his voice from how hard the breeze suddenly is. Funny, it wasn’t like this when he was standing out there.

Toya slowly takes a bite of another piece. “Nothing much.” He doesn’t think his loathing towards the sun is any important. “Just hoping you’d finish fixing the roof sooner.”

“Ah.”

Toya hums in response, finishing another slice. He’s about to put what's left on the plate before Akito pushes it towards Toya’s side. That held a single complete slice left. He didn’t notice it before, but Akito’s side of the plate is filled with green watermelon rinds.

“You can have the last one. I’m not too keen on becoming a watermelon man today.”

Toya double checks the plate. 7 for Akito. 3 for Toya, 4 counting the one he just finished.

He picks it up anyway. “I think you’re already in the process of becoming one.”

“Bullshit.” Akito hits their knees together. Toya can feel rather than listen to how his words are smooth around the edges, as if smiling. Toya doesn’t learn from his previous mistake, catching a glimpse of Akito’s blinding smile the moment he looks to the side. “Eat it already, you…”

That smile covers his vision as he then leaned into Toya’s personal space, filling his vision with orange. He almost dropped the watermelon when Akito reached a hand and roughly ruffled his blue hair.

ㅤ

“You two really don’t have to do this.” Toya said, words pushed past barely moving lips.

“Nonsense. I think it might even give us a nice bonding time as a bonus.” An argues, tying her hair in a high ponytail. “You know. For the memories we reminisce on when we’re gray and old.”

“Yes. Plus, if it’s only the three of you, there might not be enough time to leave before sunset…” Kohane gingerly adds.

Kotaro stays silent between them. Had it not been for how his shoulders shake a bit when he breathes, Toya might’ve thought his friend is as good as a statue. If he squints enough, a dark cloud hangs above Kotaro.

Beneath their feet is an empty pool. Specifically the school’s pool. Toya wondered for the longest time why they never used the pool since last year, only for teacher Hara to explain the drains are clogged with leaves. And clogged they stayed.

Looking down to the pool beneath their feet, the four of them standing at the edge, Toya can only imagine he’d be halfway through home right now.

Clogged. Dirty. Filled with leaves and God knows what water before they tried to drain it, only for even more leaves to clog. So there’s still a bit of water that might reach just a little below Toya’s knees.

And Toya’s the tallest of the group. That gross water will definitely reach Kohane’s and An’s knees.

“... Man.” Kotaro scratches the back of his head with a both troubled and guilty expression, probably coming to the same conclusions as Toya.

From above, birds chirp.

The story of how they ended up here is pretty simple, all things considered.

“I know these looks on your faces… You two are bored, right?”

Akito and Toya looked up from where they’re stacking cards in Akito’s seat table. Teacher Aoi didn’t come today due to health issues, so the entire class basically got a free period.

“Very.” “We’re not to leave the classroom during class hours.” Akito and Toya spoke at the same time.

Toya could feel Akito’s gaze lingering on the side of his head, but the former didn’t look away from Kotaro. At that, he put a finger to his chin. “There’s not even a class to begin with. So, the rules won’t apply. I was just here wanting to show you guys a cool spot, you see.”

“Where?” Akito sits straighter. Toya has a feeling he wasn’t even interested in stacking cards in the first place.

As if sensing Toya’s thoughts, a light breeze flew into the room. It was enough to crumble their hard work for the past few minutes.

“Come, I’ll show.”

Toya still felt a bit reluctant when compared to Akito’s eagerness. The two followed Kotaro to the school’s third floor where, as predicted, didn’t have anyone sticking around.

“This hallway is super slippery. Nobody who passes through it manages to not slip.” Says Kotaro while jabbing a thumb towards a very normal looking hallway. “It’s real slippery for no reason.”

“No reason? And did you even try to cross it yourself?” Akito asks, shooting Kotaro a side glance.

“Nope. But we can find out right now. Whoever passes this corridor without falling wins.”

Toya glanced at Akito. Akito looked back to him.

“Surely, you won’t fall if you know it is slippery…” Toya says, taking a single step forward.

Not even two steps in and Toya’s tumbling to the floor. He falls on his back, the hallway’s white ceiling greeting him after a blur. Akito’s and Kotaro’s laughter ring above him.

His head hurts.

Toya watches as Akito goads Kotaro to go next. It is with a very thin inch of humor that Toya watches Kotaro fall next, a few feet away from him. Akito falls, too.

The next minutes were filled with countless attempts for them to cross that damned hallway. They tried barefoot, clinging onto the walls, even pulling mops. Nothing worked and they always ended up on the floor. As a last minute attempt the three of them formed something akin to a train, clinging onto the backs of their uniforms.

The idea worked a little too well, Toya knew the moment he began to slip. They went as fast as an actual train. Toya’s legs slipped forward midway, and past then, the hallway’s ending rapidly approached.

It is between screams and hands grasping onto one another that a loud bang echoed within the hallway. Followed by deathly silence. Toya’s eyes slowly open, only to be met with his leg stuck into a hole he himself carved after this last attempt.

He pulled his stuck leg. The hole didn’t give in. Toya’s mouth slightly opened, no words daring to form after what they just did.

And then the bell rang. They were found out. Everyone who had their classrooms by the hallway got a beautiful sight of the three of them and a broken wall.

What followed next was a threat of suspension for an entire week, but after what Akito pointed out, he looked like a ‘sickly Victorian child who is as pale as paper’ (really, where is he learning this stuff?) at the news. The principal decided to have some mercy on them, not wanting Toya to pass out, especially knowing he’s a ‘good student’.

But not even good students escape punishment.

Which brings them back to the present. And the pool. And the germs. And the…

Toya thinks he’s gonna throw up…

“Found them!”

Speaking of Akito…

Four heads turned to the left, from where Akito somehow approached with 5 sponges, buckets, a long hose wrapped around his torso, 2 shovels and 3 brooms. “I told the janitor you guys were helping out, so I picked 5 each.”

“Nice!” An flashed a grin with such brightness nobody else but Akito had.

An and Kohane ended up collecting the leaves around the pool while Akito tied the hose at a tap, Toya holding all the stuff he brought, while Kotaro was left with trying to pry the leaves blocking the way for the remaining water to leave.

“You look oddly happy.” Toya comments, standing behind Akito, who kneeled by the tap and is now pushing the hose’s end until they’re connected.

He stands up. “It was fun. The hallway, I mean. And… Like An said. Memories.”

“Of dirty and gross stuff?”

Akito shrugs. “It’s what it’ll be for today. At least we’ll stay here a little longer.”

A little longer sounds like an understatement. Toya can feel himself emanating negativity, though, so he stays silent, following Akito to ask Kotaro how it is going down there.

In the end Akito had to pull the leaves instead, since he’s a supernatural being and all and his gross reflex must be in the clouds. Toya brings a hand to his mouth and Kotaro lets out a loud ‘Gross!’ at the sight of what Akito holds: leaves, mucus and.. Is that hair…?

“The pool’s probably clogged to hell and back because of this.” Akito says, waving such an undecipherable thing around.

“Throw it somewhere far away, dude!”

“Why? You think it’s gross?” Akito’s grin turns smug. Toya takes several steps back while Kotaro stays rooted to the spot. “Why not come have a look, huh?”

Kotaro’s face pales. “No, dude, I’m serious!” And then proceeds to run around the empty pool as Akito chases him around, threatening to throw it on his hair. Toya doesn’t have the heart to stop him.

Needless to say, it was an eventful evening. Kohane and An only got down after the pool was free of dirty water, leaving only algaes clinging to the tiled walls and floor. Now comes in the sponges.

It’s a giant loop of scrubbing the tiles, rinsing the sponges by their buckets, filling the buckets again with clean water. Toya feels just as lightheaded as he felt back at Ms. Sato’s house with the various droplets of sweat he feels running down his face, neck and hands.

“You okay?”

Toya looks to the side, a slightly concerned Akito kneeling beside him.

“Too hot. I’m never following Kotaro somewhere ever again.”

Akito chuckles at that. Tilts his head. “I can get you water.”

“Please.”

Akito nods. Then, he stands up. “Does anybody else want water?”

The others say yes. Toya huffs, scrubbing a particular algae that refuses to leave.

“Let me come with you.” An offers, to which Akito accepts.

Toya considers throwing his own bucket of water over him. Anything to push away the heat. But then he wonders how his parents will react once he arrives home all drenched, white uniform with bits of algae and hair a mess.

It then raises the question of ‘won’t it dry off by the time I arrive home, with how hot it is?’

Toya stares at his bucket, seriously mulling over it. A tempting urge.

Silver eyes close with much effort. Not yet. Not now. Or ever.

He looks over his shoulder instead. Kohane is meticulously scrubbing a corner of the pool, he can see it coming clean with her care. Kotaro is putting all the leaves that were in the pool in large plastic trashbags.

He’s kind of getting a bad feeling from letting Akito and An stay alone. Now that he thinks about it, Akito is always by his side or vice versa.

Dropping his sponge in the bucket after a last good squeeze for measure, Toya stands up. His first thought is that his legs sting. The next is that he needs to find the two. Now.

“I’m going with them. They’ll probably need help.”

Toya can count on one hand the times he stayed at school this late. There are only a few teachers in the teacher room, no students in sight and the janitor sitting by the school gate. Probably waiting for them to be finished.

By his expression alone, he doesn’t look too happy.

It’s cooler inside the school and Toya can rid himself from the weird sensations back at the pool, even if he’s still sweating. And it clings to his skin uncomfortably. To the point his fingers twitch.

The first thing he’ll do when he gets home is take a long bath…

Toya was about to round the corner of the hallway that connected the pool’s direction with the gym when he heard voices.

“Sorry if it’s a weird question, but I just had to ask you...” An’s voice.

It might be due to the fact Toya cannot see either of them or his own nerves are already flourishing back alive at a single sentence, but Toya swears her voice is more serious than it should.

He fully stops.

The silence that follows after is deafening.

“It’s just.. A feeling, you know? You suddenly forgot a lot of stuff ever since you disappeared, so…” An continues, seriousness turning into sheepishness.

More silence. Toya blinks, propping his hand on the wall. Nobody else says a thing and it only raises his uneasiness further.

Shoes scrape over the floor, then An lets out a startled yelp. “Wait-!”

Toya’s heart hammers in his chest. He immediately took a step forward, breath knocking out of his system at what he saw.

Akito is standing directly in front of An, who has her back facing Toya. His hand is touching her cheek and, if Toya’s seeing right, that fractal being begins worming its way out of Akito’s right eye.

Just like that time at the market.

Just like that, whatever comfort Toya so slowly, painstakingly built, shatters beneath his feet. It’s like he's falling and nothing’s down there to catch him.

“Akito?”

Immediately Akito flinched away from An. She, however, fell to the ground.

“What the hell did you do?” Toya pushed out, his body moving before his brain demanded it.

His knees hurt from how hard he falls to the floor. Shaking An’s body, it is in a cold sweat he realizes she’s fully limp. Unconscious.

Dead?

“What did you do?!” Toya insisted, his voice coming louder and harsher than he meant to.

By the time silver eyes snap up, the fractals are gone. Akito’s expression has the tiniest bit of shock. Or is that how taken aback he is? He didn’t expect Toya to show up here, right now?

“She might’ve known…” Akito hesitantly says, his hand lifting a little towards Toya, but stopping himself. He scratches the back of his head and looks to the side instead. Toya can see cogs running in his head. “Shit. I probably shouldn’t do that to An, right?”

Toya cannot move. Not even if he wanted to. “... Do what?”

Akito’s still avoiding his gaze. Toya swallows thickly, trying to push down whatever’s going up his throat the longer silence continues.

“Do what???”

“I didn’t mean to do that. I’m just thinking now… It’d be kinda sad if she died. Right?”

Toya’s hands tremble. He cannot bring himself to touch An. Heat crawls under his skin. It’s getting harder and harder to think. Create coherent thoughts. Keep up this facade.

It’s because of Toya that An ended up like this. It’s because of such a selfish wish of his. Deep down, he knew this was unavoidable. That when creepy stuff comes in contact with normalcy, nothing good ever comes out of it.

The person who’s standing a few feet away from them is not his best friend. He’s just…

Just…

Toya knows he’s the one who stayed silent for too long now when Akito continues. “Being ‘dead’ or being ‘alive’… There’s not much difference, is there? All that happens is your form changes a bit.”

It takes a lot of effort for Toya to lift his head. He shouldn’t feel so scared to see Akito already looking back at him, his expression now impassive. As if the shock he had felt when Toya intervened is now gone.

“What…” Toya whispers, voice inaudible to even his own ears.

If Akito hears, he doesn’t show it. “I just didn’t think there’d be much of a difference. You’ll die eventually, won’t you?”

“That makes no sense. No sense at all. Stop talking.”

“But…”

“If that’s your conclusion,” Something burns within Toya’s veins and it bleeds into his voice as it trembles for each syllable. It’s not anger, never is. Not at Akito. No matter how he looks. And Toya hates it. “You wouldn’t care if you disappeared right now, would you? To come back from where you came from?”

Something akin to hurt flashed in Akito’s eyes. “Toya, I didn’t mean to-”

“You did. Yes, you did.”

Because you were never meant to be here in the first place.

“I didn’t mean to!” Akito takes a step forward, his own voice raising.

“What you said back then must’ve been a lie too, didn’t it?”

“No!” Toya can only watch as Akito’s right eye begins distorting again, that familiar olive merging with reds and blues. This time, though, he covers it with a bitter expression. “Toya, listen. That wasn’t a lie. I meant what I said back then. After all, if you die… We won’t be able to do stuff together anymore.”

“Ugh… This is so…”

Just what hole did he bury himself into?

Toya brings a hand to his own mouth, trying to steady himself. It’s getting harder and harder to push the sickness away. He hates this. He doesn’t want to treat Akito like this, not after everything. But it’s so hard to…

Suddenly, there’s a groan from beneath. Toya’s mind clears from the spiral it threw himself into, focusing just enough to see An slowly sitting up.

“What happened…?” She asks, disoriented, looking at Akito. Then looking over her shoulder. Immediately jumping awake to see Toya there. “Toya, you scared me!”

He musters a small, grim smile. “The water.”

“Oh right…”

She turns to Akito, who wordlessly offers her the bottles. Silver eyes glance upwards to see that his eyes are back to normal once more.

Everything else is a blur. An doesn’t press the matter anymore nor does Toya ask anything else of Akito.

He can see how Akito reaches for him once he forces himself to stand up.

“Hey…”

Toya swallows thickly before turning around, not sparing Akito a single glance. Just because An is ‘fine’ doesn’t mean Toya is. “Don’t wait for me.”

ㅤ

Toya looks down to the kitchen drawer. Fingers looped around the handle, he cannot look away from the sharp, glistening steel looking back with a poor reflection of his face.

The entire house is silent, the moon hanging outside. A clock ticks periodically somewhere in the 1st floor, breaking the silence every now and then.

It’s cold. Toya feels clean. His pajamas are soft. Had it been any other day, he would feel the best. No comfort comes with this predicament. Not with the weight on his shoulders.

He doesn’t understand human life like everyone else. Because he’s not human. Should it make everything else fine?

Tightening his grip around the handle, Toya soundlessly slides the cutlery drawer shut, therefore closing the knife out of reach.

Slowly turning around, Toya hugs himself as he ascends the stairs again. He can try to force himself to sleep. Maybe raise the AC temperature, that could help a lot.

The word ‘coward’ rings in his ears the entire way to his bed, echoing in and out from one ear to the other. His eyes sting, but no tears flow out. It’s completely pathetic.

“Why did you have to go…?” Toya’s voice cracks, the question lingering in the air. His bed is soft against his back, inviting him to sleep, but he feels restless.

Nothing answers him. Of course it wouldn’t.

ㅤ

ㅤ

Toya absently writes over his math homework. It’s been a while since he lost interest in the numbers and equations, so all he does is scribble some things at the corner. Specifically, small lines. He thinks of nothing at all, too content in dragging the tip of the pencil from point A to point B.

They’re easy to erase once he’s satisfied. And Toya could make many of them before deciding he’s done with it.

His room is quiet save for the AC humming behind him. Tomorrow there’s a literature pop quiz and honestly Toya has no interest in learning about European Socialism in a plain Thursday night. He and Akito are supposed to spend time together in the forest tomorrow, too. He’s supposed to be asleep some time ago but after rolling around from side to side in bed he gave up.

He’s in the middle of drawing what appears to be the most perfect, straightest line on paper when there’s three knocks behind him. His line is thoroughly smudged considering he flinched, totally not expecting such a sound at this hour.

Glancing over to the closed window where curtains were drawn closed, there is a realization in the form of a shadow on the other side. Just prominent enough for Toya to know.

Toya’s heart almost flies out of his throat. His bedroom is on the second floor and, considering his small list of closed ones that aren’t of age and pretty fit to climb a house’s second floor, not to mention the pure courage to climb Harumichi’s house in the middle of the night, everything narrows it down to only one person.

After pushing the curtains open, Toya comes face to face with his best friend. Akito grins from the other side, perched casually against a nearby branch as he is. There’s a red scratch over his forehead. Toya doesn’t doubt he had some trouble climbing the tree just by his house and won purely because of how athletic Akito actually is. Immediately does Toya lift the window, wincing at how hard he does so, woods smacking against one another. He sure hopes his parents are long asleep.

“What are you doing here?!” He whispers, even if nobody but Akito could possibly listen to Toya's words.

Akito partly shrugs, a hand coming to hold onto the windowsill. Toya’s breath catches as orange comes closer. The night is cold but this close, Akito is warm. “Came to visit my friend. I didn’t know I needed an invitation.”

“Well, you do.” Toya weakly argues. He steps aside. At that, Akito sneaks his way in.

Technically, considering it is basically the next day, Akito is simply visiting him much earlier than the time Toya expected.

To be honest, Toya can count on one hand the times Akito sneaked into his room this late. He supposed a visit is a visit, though.

“I cannot possibly imagine what brings you here.” Toya says after carefully slipping his window shut.

“I just felt like it.” Akito deflects, walking up to the only source of light in Toya’s room: his desk. Specifically, his lamp. “Dude. We were literally given this yesterday and it is due… What… In two weeks?”

Toya shrugs, watches in mild amusement as Akito’s face grims. “I was that bored.”

“You’re, like, the only person I know that would do math homework this late. And you don't even have eyebags.”

Toya joins Akito’s side. “Genes, maybe?”

The deadpan stare Akito shoots is enough to make Toya smile. Akito smiles back, nudging their shoulders together. It’s so much easier to smile with Akito.

“Keep mentioning your family and the devil should appear soon enough.” Akito hums.

“I guess you’re right…”

There’s a moment of silence. Toya turns to Akito.

“So?”

Akito stares at his homework for a while longer. Sighes. That easy playfulness slowly dims down. It doesn’t exactly disappear, simply retreats.

“You know you’re my best friend, right?”

Toya nods. “Of course.” He wouldn’t ever doubt it.

“And I can talk to you about anything?”

Toya nods again, this time slower. He can see the way Akito’s nail digs onto the wood of his table, sure to leave a crescent moon, how he avoids his gaze, but he says nothing.

"What's wrong?”

Akito exhales. Stares straight ahead onto Toya’s bedroom wall. He scratches the back of his neck, as if unsure how to approach the topic. Toya waits, though. He doesn’t rush Akito, letting him come to the conclusion himself.

When Toya is almost following Akito’s gaze to the blank wall, he speaks. “Remember that moment I asked you to wait by the school entrance while I went to fetch something I forgot?”

“Yes.” It happened a few days ago. They were about to leave school when Akito suddenly asked Toya to wait there. Those were the longest 20 minutes of his life. Akito profusely apologized for making him wait for so long when he got back, Toya staring mindlessly at the dawning sky by then, promising to buy him anything he wanted in the market on the way home.

Toya would be lying if he said he didn’t want to know what Akito did back there. But something kept him from asking. Considering Akito broke into his house so late at night, he really shouldn’t have, for Akito would do it himself.

“A girl confessed to me.” Akito explained, voice low.

Toya thinks he hears glass shattering behind him, his body stilling. Suddenly he has an itch on his back. He straightens it despite how much it begs to be noticed.

“Really? Who?”

“Some girl from another class. I didn’t bother asking her name.” Akito scoffed, as if that’s funny. Toya doesn’t see the fun in that, having this sinking feeling that grows and grows within his chest. “She snuck a letter in my locker. Like those damn romantic movies. Asked me to meet her behind the school and all that.”

Toya briefly tries to remember any time he saw Akito pulling a letter from his locker, coming empty handed.

“The thing is,” Akito’s smile dims. “She prepared a whole speech and all. Said I was pretty and that we could meet each other better.” Akito’s gaze suddenly shifts to Toya. He feels pinned. “You know what I first thought when she said that?”

Toya tilts his head, letting Akito fill the silence.

“Toya’s gonna be lonely. What the hell will he do while I’m out there with some girl? Stay locked inside his room, waiting for me? It just didn’t feel appealing. She must’ve noticed it though, somehow. Women having 6th senses or something. Because she felt sheepish and said… ‘I love you’. Then she fucking… Kissed me…”

Akito puts a hand in his face. Toya’s hands itch to pull it away. “Her friends must’ve told her to do that or something. She kept opening her eyes and stuff.”

There’s a moment of silence. Akito sighs. Lowers his hand. Briefly avoids Toya’s gaze, only to look back again.

It then hits Toya. Is Akito nervous?

He opens his mouth, but Toya beats him to it. “You know I wouldn’t mind if you got a… Girlfriend. You know?”

“Ew, no, dude…”

“It’s true.”

Even if he’d probably die if Akito brought her to their outings. Even if he’d feel like choking her every time she took Toya’s spot in something only they did together. Even if Akito looked happier with her than he ever did with Toya.

Even if she changes Akito’s life in a way Toya couldn’t in time. Like bringing him out of this hellhole to somewhere not-Shibuya. Because Shibuya is Toya’s place for Akito. She’d have to take Akito somewhere else.

He almost says so. He bites his tongue instead.

“The thing is,” Akito repeats. “I didn’t feel anything.”

“Well, naturally, I’d hope you feel like so after kissing someone you don’t know-”

“Shut up…” Akito smiled, some of the tension that wormed its way over Akito’s shoulders lifting ever so slightly once he lightly kicked Toya’s knee. “I mean… I’m sure Kotaro would go crazy over this. He’s always looking for a girlfriend. But I just… Didn’t.”

Toya kicked back. “Maybe it’s the wrong girl? Or just your brain processing what happened?”

Akito shrugged. He looked at Toya, his gaze unreadable. “I tried kissing back but nothing happened.” Then, as if dawning on him, he cringes slightly. “I’m never seeing that girl again, am I?”

“I mean, you said no…”

“Do you think I should feel anything?”

“I don’t know. Nobody ever did that to me.” Toya said, intelligently. Akito definitely knows that. “But doesn’t that stuff build itself? Like, you should, eventually.”

“Nah. Can’t see myself in that.” Akito huffed. “But I’ll have to, I guess. Eventually. Have your own family and stuff…”

For a moment, there’s silence. Akito picks small dusts from Toya’s desk.

“Maybe you just need to get used to it?” Toya suggests, softly, not wanting to break the silence. Akito looks deep in thought, his olive eyes having this faraway gaze.

His Father always said that even if you’re not good at or unused to something, enough practice turns the ‘unknown’ into the ‘known’. Which is how he’s slowly learning the violin.

“Perhaps.” Akito says. “But I mean it when I say I can’t see myself kissing any other girls.”

“That’s… A problem..”

Toya’s too busy scratching his cheek and rolling Akito’s choices of practice in his head to notice Akito take a step forward.

“Wanna practice with me?”

Toya thinks he’s misheard it. “What?” He says before he can stop himself.

“Practice.” Akito repeats. There’s no smile and his tone is aloof, soft around the edges and feeling oddly tempting.

“I’ve never kissed before.” Toya stammers, feeling his own face warm a bit. “I don’t think I can help much—”

He cannot even stare at romance movies, always looking somewhere else whenever the main couple gets too intimate. There are times he sees his Mother fully interested in the drama going on-screen, yet nothing for him. If Toya had to rate his romance knowledge from 1 to 10 he’d rate a solid negative number.

“But it’s you.” Akito insists. Then he puts his hand on the desk, palm pressing down, mirroring Toya’s own hand. For a moment Toya thinks Akito’s going to hold his hand like he once did. Nothing comes. “And I don’t care if you don’t have experience. Kisses are kisses. If you want, we can pretend. I can show you how she kissed me.”

There’s a small pause.

“Then you can also kiss other girls.” Toya thinks he sees Akito’s eye twitch. “So?”

Toya bites his tongue. He’d be lying if he said he didn’t want to kiss Akito. But boys never kiss other boys. It’s always a boy and a girl. However, here is Akito, proposing a request that feels both surreal and brief.

Surreal because all of this is happening due to a single girl in their entire school confessing her love to Akito through a letter. Girls usually look at Akito from a distance, giggle among themselves or sit in the school gym to watch soccer matches.

Brief because for all Toya knows, they can practice all they want tonight in ways that could possibly rearrange Toya’s entire logic beyond repair. By the time the sun is up Akito is waiting for Toya to show up to bike to school at the entrance of his house as if nothing happened.

Absolutely nothing.

Words of denial slowly begin piling up in his tongue, already forming half apologies when Toya realizes Akito is waiting. Face to face. His expression remained unreadable and, if Toya didn’t know any better, he’d think Akito is nervous.

Something in that olive lulls Toya to drown deeper into it. Unfortunately, Toya doesn’t think he can ever say no to Akito. “Okay. We can practice.”

And then Akito beams, a smile spreading on his face. “Cool. I’ll act as the girl. And you pretend to be me.”

“Okay…”

Despite everything that happened in a single night, Toya just really hopes he wakes up tomorrow remembering every single detail of now. That this isn’t a dream.

“So we were standing like this,” Akito grabs his shoulders, adjusting Toya so that a few feet length of distance sat between them. Once satisfied, Akito let him go. “And… Do you think I should be reciting all the stuff she told me?” He asks with humor, helpless to add that part.

Toya’s mouth goes dry. He shakes his head. He doesn’t need to know that. If he’s really going to remember everything that happened tonight, her confession wasn’t included. Plus, isn’t that basically a breach of privacy?

“Okay.” Akito breathes. Flickers his gaze across Toya’s face. “She recited all that stuff… Not that I remember most of it anymore…”

Akito brings a hand to Toya’s cheek, his touch burning his skin. Toya tries his hardest not to lean onto his touch. It is impossible once Akito’s other hand follows, now cupping Toya’s face.

“She put her hands here…”

Akito takes a few steps forward, breaking the concept of private space.

“Then she came closer… I didn’t move yet, of course, since everything happened so fast.”

That drags a small chuckle out of Toya. Akito smiles a bit, too, but says nothing else. His left hand dragged a path down the side of Toya’s face, his neck, finding a spot to rest in his shoulder.

“Then… She pulled me in.”

Akito does the action before Toya could even slide a thought in. There’s this tense, awkward motion where their noses bump and neither of their eyes are closed. Toya wants to ask if that really happened since she had probably planned everything out beforehand, but then Akito is tilting his head and slotting their lips together.

As expected, it feels weird. Foreign. Not like the kisses his Mom gave his hands when he got bruises after hours of practicing or the times he bruised his elbows and knees.

In fact, it feels even more awkward. Akito isn’t moving at all.

Toya slowly opens his eyes, coming face to face with Akito’s shut tightly ones. He says or does nothing, doesn’t even dare to.

Akito said he didn’t act at first because she took him by surprise. Doesn’t that mean he eventually reciprocated it?

Something clenches in Toya’s chest at the thought.

Slowly, ever so gently, he pushed his head forward. Their lips slide against one another and Akito’s breathing hitches.

Maybe something broke. Akito slowly parts their lips. Toya waits for him to open his eyes, feeling Akito’s breathing fan his face.

He’s pulled into another kiss before that. This time, Akito’s hold on Toya is the only thing that grounds him as he tilts Toya’s head. The night is dead quiet. While that is good, for nobody could possibly be awake, it’s also bad for Toya’s heart because not only can he feel it, but also listen every time their lips part. Their breathing.

Toya’s hands helplessly twitch by his sides. Is it okay for him to move now? What did Akito exactly do? He wants to ask, to stop relying on only Akito, but he also doesn’t want to stop.

Their kisses are getting longer now, with Akito gently holding Toya’s head close. He swears it’s getting harder to breathe. Is this why Akito is panting so heavily?

“She did this, too…” Akito parts their lips only enough to whisper. Soon enough, Toya feels Akito nibbling his lower lip between teeth.

Accidentally, Toya gasps.

“Does it hurt—”

“... No. Just weird.”

Akito chuckles a bit, probably to let them catch some air, before he connects their lips together again.

Toya’s still in the same stiff posture when Akito pulls away. In the end, maybe Akito didn’t move at all. Or else he would’ve said something.

They stare at each other’s eyes, breathing the same air. Akito’s face is flushed and Toya’s sure his own is the same. He can feel his heart hammering in his chest, thumping all the way from his veins to his ears.

“That’s bad…”

A blink. “What?”

“I felt something.” Akito says. Toya doesn’t understand it. He must’ve seen it, of course he did, because Akito apparently learned to read Toya like a book, so he smiled a bit. It does not reach his eyes. “Something that I should’ve felt back then. Maybe she really was just bad.”

“I guess…” Toya’s still a bit disoriented from all this, not finding words as easily as he usually does. His gaze slides downwards before he knows it. Akito’s lips are wet, shining where light reflects over them, and a little red.

ㅤ

He wasn’t thinking clearly, he concluded the next day.

He’s now laying in his bed, having woken up a little earlier than the time Mother wakes him up. He would’ve believed all of it was just a really vivid dream if his lips still weren’t tingling from last night’s events.

Toya slowly brings a hand up to his mouth, gently pressing his fingers to it. Nothing happens.

Realization washes over him as calming as a wave in the shore: he kissed Akito.

His stomach does a little flip and Toya abruptly shoves his face in the pillow, squeezing the fluffiness against his face. He kissed Akito, he kissed Akito, he kissed Akito.

And he felt good.

Would they do it again? For practice? Or is it only when another girl tries to confess to him? Will it even happen again?

Toya’s train of thought crashed against a wall just when Mother knocked three times over the door, saying breakfast was ready. His soul flies up to the roof of his mouth.

And if his body feels a little warmer and Akito smiles and jokes more when they bike to school together, Toya keeps those thoughts to himself.

ㅤ

And with himself they stayed. Tightly.

Something clearly shifted between them, that much Toya is sure. Akito’s arm finding itself looped around Toya’s shoulders more often whenever he wanted Toya siding with him when arguing against Kotaro over ordinary things. Akito pressing their knees together under their tables in the middle of class whenever the teacher asked the class to separate into duos. The way his gaze crinkles and he seems to smile more lately.

Toya feels better, too. In the times where they don’t touch that subject. He never forgets it and is unsure if Akito still does. They were already glued to each other long before that night, and now, things only got more solid.

Perhaps the thing that shifted is a one way ticket to somewhere better, Toya concludes.

Even if his heart beats a little faster whenever Akito sits a bit too close on the floor. When their hands brush. Or whenever Kohane asked them to pose beside each other in a specific outing they did together as a group of friends (that was once, but Toya felt it so many times throughout the long hours he might as well consider it a fact). He vividly remembers An teasing him about thinking of something else.

But with himself his thoughts stayed.

So he doesn’t talk about it. Because even if in that night everything seemed reachable, the sun rose the same the next day, clearing Toya’s mind and the way the world truly is.

Study, work, discipline,

Boys don’t kiss boys. Never.

So there they stayed.

They stayed.

They stayed, they stayed, they stayed.

Whatever Akito offered him, he’d take.

“... oya? Toya? Are you there?”

Toya snaps out of his thoughts. Akito’s looking at him over his shoulder, a slightly concerned expression etched in his face. Seeing Toya’s back to reality, he huffed.

“Daydreaming again?”

Toya’s lips part, but for some reason his voice doesn’t come out. He clears his throat, gathering his bearings. “Just zoned out a bit. Sorry.”

“It’s fine.” Akito nodded. They continued walking out of school towards where they usually park their bikes, sunlight washing everything into a gentle shade of yellowish orange. “As I was saying, you should come to my house so we can check out some new music I found. It’ll be fun.”

Toya smiles. That, he doesn’t doubt. Harumichi might not give them all the privacy in the world at Toya’s home, so between the two, Akito’s house is usually their go-to spot to quietly wind down after a school day. “Sounds good.”

Akito smiles back. “Great.”

They continue talking the rest of the way back. Akito explains how he and Kotaro got into an arm wrestling competition by the time Toya got back with Kohane returned from putting instrument boxes in the deposit room. An even had a score count (that is, being her notebook flipped horizontally, with a horizontal line in the middle, ‘Akito’ and ‘Kotaro’ on each side).

His voice blurs out a bit, silver eyes watching the way a bead of sweat rolls down Akito’s moving jaw down to his uniform.

They ascend a few steps to reach Akito’s door, their bikes laying side by side on the grass. Upon the first step in, while kicking his shoes off, Toya spares a glance to the hallway. Streaks of sunlight peeked through various places amidst the walls, painting Akito’s house in warm lenses and a cozyness Toya fears he couldn’t find anywhere else.

Toya still remembers the first time he came here. Akito was excited to bring him home since Father lost track of time while grocery shopping with Mom, so Akito’s mother offered to pick them up.

Akito swears with all his might he absolutely did not tear up when the teacher initially showed reluctance, rightfully so, but they were too young to understand how things worked back then.

“I’m home.” Akito says aloud.

The two wait. When nobody replied, Akito rolled his shoulder, urging Toya to follow him. “They must be out.”

Once in Akito’s room, they both drop their bags in a corner. Akito does a straight line to his bed, falling on top of it with a sigh.

“Oh, how I missed you…”

“You can be so dramatic sometimes.” Toya subconsciously smiles, his gaze drifting from Akito’s laid out form to the room.

“Shuddap. No I can’t.”

Unlike Toya’s room, where there’s only the essentials, Akito’s has more life. He has posters of video games, movies and music bands on the walls. There’s a corner with a few comics piled up, not exactly in an arranged way. His bookshelf is less filled with academic topics like Toya’s and even more comics.

Orbiting closer to Akito’s desk, it’s pretty cluttered. Even from afar. On most days it is empty, with Akito only putting the absolutely necessary to stay on it.

Toya found that out under a lazy day and even lazier Sunday. They were lounging on Akito's floor when Toya remembered an aquatic animal always lingering at the very corner of Akito’s desk, always there every time Toya came over, in the very same position.

They managed to get two. And never bothered to find out what they exactly were. Akito kept the salmon colored one while Toya did the light blue. While Toya’s is sitting in his wardrobe, safe and sound, Akito’s is in plain sight. Akito even named it Salamander.

Toya’s still coming up with a name for his own. It’s hard.

However, today, Toya can see a small stack of papers. He doesn’t think much of it, picking one up. At first glance all of them have the same things written over them, not exactly continuously. Perhaps many attempts.

He reads one.

The lights of the brilliant shining city shine down on me in stark contrast,

That they mix with the neon colours changing and escaping from the spaces between those buildings. I trade my time and this world. And sink into the night…

I make my way home on the last train and the reflection…

The bed behind him creaks and hurried footsteps approach him. Toya is taken by surprise when the paper is yanked away from his hand.

“Don’t read that.” Akito murmurs, his cheeks red, picking all the papers up in a stack so loose Toya thought one might slip away. “It’s childish.”

“You’re writing a song?”

Akito chokes. “No- I mean, maybe-”

A genuine smile spreads on Toya’s face. “I think you wrote well. I’d like to hear Akito’s songs if ever given the chance.”

“You barely even read it…” Akito murmured, his cheeks reddening further despite his words. He looked to the side. “But… Thanks. I’ll keep that in mind.” He puts the papers away in his drawer, shutting it a little too hard. “Enough about that. Let’s do what matters.”

Fingers wrapping around his wrist, Toya lets Akito pull him to his bed. They sit at the edge, Akito reaching for the bedside drawer and pulling out earbuds.

“Here.” He offers the left side, just like their sitting order.

Toya curiously watches as Akito skims through his playlist. The moment blasting drums and a rapping filled his ears, he knew this would be a long evening. Positively.

“Tell me what you think when it’s over.” Akito offers him a smile, closing his eyes.

Perhaps he should close his eyes, too. To pay the song all the attention it deserves. But he is unable to look away from Akito.

With sunlight filtering through Akito’s window, his ginger hair blends in almost naturally. He wishes he had his phone in his pocket right now, but alas, it sits in his bag. Away. If he tried to stand up, Akito would definitely stop staying like this.

Toya wished he could make this moment eternal. In a way it’ll be in his mind, right? He promises not to forget.

He doesn’t realize he’s leaning closer until Akito opens his eyes, their gazes meeting. The song comes to a close in their ears and what follows is silence.

“What, you want to choose the next song?” Akito’s eyes crinkle, voice soft. He’s sharing something that means a lot to him and Toya wouldn’t have it any other way.

He relishes in it, even.

With a meek nod from Toya, Akito gives his phone. Like this, he has an entire idea of the songs, producers and bands Akito likes. He chooses the one that catches his eye the most. And Akito must’ve liked it, because he closed his eyes again, that smile lingering in his lips.

Toya really wishes he could take a photo right now. If regret could kill…

ㅤ

Toya descends some time later, when the sun is beginning to set and he should head home. He even received a call from Mother, honestly having forgotten to notify her he’d be home later than usual. There’s still some time left, though, so he plans to make the most of it.

He knows Akito’s house like the back of his hand. He carefully fills the cup with a jar he got from the fridge.

“It’s so hot…” He absently talks to himself, bringing the cup to his lips.

He had just swallowed a few gulps of water when a voice interrupted the silence. “Toya?”

And maybe he has been a little more laidback ever since leaving Akito’s bedroom, memories of Akito sitting beside him still fresh in his mind. Perhaps the fact he and Akito fully believed they were alone in the house. His own experiences with his Father, which unfortunately created this bad habit of his, or even the fact he was simply taken by surprise.

Toya’s fight or flight response goes up the roof. He flinched so hard his hand loosened. It was just enough for the glass cup still partially filled with water to shatter on the floor.

A cold bucket of dread washes over him.

“M-Mr. Shinononome,” Toya immediately turns around, stammering. “I didn’t mean to break the cup. I’m so sorry. I’ll buy you another-”

“Easy, easy, I shouldn’t have taken you by surprise. And just ‘Shinei’ is fine, please.”

Toya never really properly talked with Akito’s Father, Shinei. It was always just the necessary shared to go on with their days. Shinei knows Toya’s father is a famous pianist that moved in (though he thinks he heard around since words spread fast here), he’s Akito’s best friend and that his grades are excellent. Toya knows Shinei has a questionable relationship with his children and he should stay the farthest away from him.

Toya has heard from Akito that his dad looked more like his sister than himself. That he took more of his mom’s genes. Knowing how all of them look now, Toya cannot help but think about it.

And also that he wishes he never descended the stairs. Therefore the cup wouldn’t break, then he wouldn’t be feeling so nervous.

“It’s just that I wasn’t expecting Akito to bring you. It’s been a while.” Shinei calmly continues as if Toya didn’t just break a glass cup, not moving from where he stands at the entrance of the kitchen.

Toya nods, kneeling. His pants press over what he can only deduce are various minuscule shards of glass. Looking down, he deduced right.

“I apologize for suddenly appearing. Akito invited me, so I came.”

“It’s quite alright. I don’t mind. I just wanted some water myself, but you were quicker.”

Sparing a glance up, Toya sees Shinei spare the smallest of smiles. It does not even remotely feel genuine and it honestly sends a shiver down Toya’s spine.

He cannot express how thankful he is to hear Akito descending the stairs in a frenzy, his concerned expression showing up on the other side of the entrance. “What happened? Is everything o… Father.”

“Akito. I didn’t know you had visitors.”

“I announced I arrived…” Akito takes the state of the kitchen floor. Toya, who’s kneeling by glass shards. The fact Shinei clearly wasn’t out like everyone else, his expression as unreadable as ever. And the pleading look Toya is shooting his way. His best friend is quick to join Toya at the floor, the two of them picking up the big shards first. “What did you break…?” He asks Toya, his voice is much softer than before, causing Toya’s stomach to flip.

“A cup. I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine…”

“I’ll fetch a plastic bag for you two.” Shinei says.

For a moment Toya’s shoulders drooped. He’ll leave the kitchen. Instead, Shinei walked closer, opening a drawer near Toya’s head by the sink. The sound of plastic bags being arranged echo by his right ear, this sound being the only thing not letting the kitchen fall in complete silence.

“Here.”

Toya automatically looks up. He reaches to take the folded plastic bag, a ‘thank you’ at the tip of his tongue. He stops.

There, in the very same hand extended towards him, were scarred knuckles. They were almost healed and had their closure been this much, it would’ve gone unnoticed.

Yet Toya notices. His mouth goes dry.

He suddenly feels the need to look at Akito, the pit of his stomach sinking. He accepts the plastic bags.

“... Thank you.”

Shinei nods. Leaves the kitchen without getting his water, Toya’s gaze following him all the while. He only notices his hands are trembling when the very few shards he managed to fetch fall back to the floor, followed by a harsh sting in his palm.

“Shit. Toya, be careful.”

Akito grabs his hand, urging Toya to stand up, leaving the shards and plastic bag alone, to wash Toya’s hand. A sharp inhale leaves his lips the moment water touches the wound.

“Sorry. I’m sorry.”

ㅤ

Photosynthesis is the essential biological process by which plants, algae, and some bacteria convert light energy (sunlight) into chemical energy (glucose) to fuel their growth…

... Using chlorophyll, they transform carbon dioxide and water into glucose and oxygen, releasing oxygen as a byproduct…

In short, it is a chemical process that…

“Toya. Toya, Toya, Toya.”

The boy in question is about to ask to wait a moment when a paper is slammed over his chemistry homework.

School Talents Show!

Do you have a talent nobody else knows? Or one that you want to spread to the world? Then you are invited to join!

Below are the dates…

Toya blinks. Once, twice. Rereads the entire poster. “What’s this?”

“Why, exactly what it looks like. A talent show the school is hosting.” Akito leans closer, hovering over Toya’s seat, blocking the rest of the class in sight. It is only because it’s lunch time that Akito is allowed to speak this loudly. “You know. Those events where you can do what you do best.”

“Oh…” Toya lifts the paper to eye level, completely forgetting his homework by now. “And you’re going to sing that song you’re making?”

“Yes- I mean, what?” Akito splutters. “You still haven’t forgotten that??”

Toya looks up, their gazes meeting. Then he shakes his head. Akito sighs, even if his expression isn’t specifically annoying. More like tired and embarrassed. He always gets embarrassed when Toya points out that day. “Maybe if I finish it… Which I don’t think I will.” He mumbles. “So some song that sounds easier.”

“I see.”

“So? What do you think?”

What does he think?

Akito’s clearly excited to partake in this event. He can finally give it a try and have a taste of how it feels to stand on stage, looking down to an audience, even if it isn’t so big.

It brings Toya to slightly more negative thoughts: maybe not everyone will like it. They’ll find it weird. Or maybe even taken aback.

It’s not the school in particular he’s worried about. If he’s reading this poster right, many people are allowed to enter and watch. That includes outsiders. Kubitachi (and any other of the 4 villages) are mainly populated by adults and elderly. The type of music Akito liked would surely throw them off.

But wouldn’t that be the same as everyone else knowing? Word spreads fast here.

In the back of his mind, Toya can feel his Father’s disapproving gaze.

His gaze peels away from the poster. Akito’s already waiting, expectant.

Akito was never one to care about other people’s opinions, either way. So he must already know what Toya thinks.

Then again, Akito’s the one who keeps teasing him about worrying too much. So no. No negative words allowed. Completely honest.

He thinks that doing something like what Akito wants to do is completely risky and their parents would not be pleased at all. Only they know each other’s level of strictness. There’s a reason Akito doesn’t share his dream with anyone but Toya. There’s a reason why Toya craves Akito’s presence every day.

Words almost slip out. They stop at the look Akito maintains.

“I think you’ll do wonderful.” He says instead, lips pressing tightly afterwards.

Akito beams. “I sure will. Might even get that 1st prize.”

There’s a prize? “Yes. For sure.”

It’s as if it was all Akito needed.

Past then, Toya stood by Akito’s side. Choosing songs, getting sidetracked and listening to new albums, spending even more time together. Akito looked visibly sunny everyday, always tugging at Toya at the first chance of free time (which wasn't much, to be honest, when compared to the time they already spent together normally) to brainstorm.

At first Akito apologized for being so persistent in staying by Toya’s side. In Toya's eyes, Akito just so happens to be looking forward to the talent show day. His first ever experience.

For the days that followed towards said day, the heat turned so much more bearable.

Saturdays spent in Akito’s room laying side by side, partly complaining about Akito’s AC having broken down in the middle of summer. Toya points out they’re nearing winter so the village is more prone to get colder. Which somehow brings them to talking about ways to keep a throat warm. Something about voices sounding different if the throat is prepared properly.

Early Sundays are for browsing the CD section in their usual supermarket. Akito always has something to talk about every time, be it his own opinions or curious facts about song names or the band itself. It honestly leaves Toya surprised, he’d never have the ability to store so much information about music.

The rest of the day is to hang around. Apparently, breaks are also a thing. Toya doesn’t mind so long as Akito is satisfied with how things are rolling forward.

They never touch Akito’s lyrics. Toya knows they’re sitting somewhere in Akito’s room, perhaps unfinished. Akito never touched the subject and Toya stopped prodding it, at least for now.

It had been clear: Akito would choose a song. There’s a few he has in mind, leaving the choice for once no more songs catch their eye.

Toya wishes he could know where they are.

“It’s in three days…” Akito sighs dreamily, laying on his bedroom’s floor, Toya sprawled beside him. The two of them are looking at the ceiling. Akito’s AC is still broken so they’re sweating buckets, no longer having faith in the fan Akito keeps around.

Winter is coming, Toya tells himself, closing his eyes. Then all of this will be over. For a while. But it’s enough to recover before dipping in this sea of warmth again.

“Oi, are you asleep?” Akito lightly slaps his hand.

Toya hums. He makes no move to reply or open his eyes.

“Oh no. Wake, wake.” Akito continuously slaps Toya’s hand. Somehow, it makes Toya feel even sleepier. “Toya!”

“I’m awake.” Barely. He’s slurring and all.

“What did I just say?”

“Uh… Three days left. Did you already choose the song?”

Akito shifts. “I’m between two. I want you to choose with me.”

And then Akito’s throwing one side of his wired earphones, landing it square on Toya’s chest. The latter slowly opens his eyes. The time he spent with them closed is enough to have him wincing at the soft stream of sunlight on top of him.

Putting the earbud in his ear, Akito puts on his first song. Toya immediately recognizes the tune, having heard Akito hum to himself multiple times.

“This one.” Akito quietly says as the sound picks up the beat, already coming off to a great start.

Toya’s eyelids slowly begin drooping midway through the song. He sighs, quietly. There won’t be any help at all like this.

Akito’s still looking at the ceiling, phone resting in his chest.

.
.
.
.

His heart is beating so fast.

The talent show ended up being in the gymnasium. Toya found out just a few minutes ago the school didn’t do it out of goodwill, but to attempt to gather some money instead. To provide better equipment for the incoming winter, or something.

Toya pushes aside the curtain with his hand just enough to see how filled the audience is. His heart falls to his feet at the sight of all the available seats already filled, the teachers having to go to the storage room to get more, with some adults already waiting for their return at the entrance.

A strange feeling slowly wraps around his rapidly beating heart. It is uneasy and wary of what’s to come. Akito had what it takes to stand there in front of all these people and not feel fear. Toya, on the other hand, is purely here because he wants to sing with Akito. Together.

His choice to sing with Akito was so sudden they barely had time to practice together. Akito had to let Toya get used to the feeling. Their song had already been chosen, so no more need to remain laying down.

But after that incessant uneasiness, something warmer slowly sinks in.

“Here. Water.” Akito walked up to Toya, offering him a bottle of water. “You look so nervous…” He doesn’t mean it in a bad way, Toya knows, but it doesn’t really help.

He says as much. Akito laughs.

“When we’re done after this, I’ll buy you anything you want.”

Toya would’ve pointed out Akito always offers this whenever he feels like he asked too much of Toya, but the water going down his throat is a good distraction to what’s to come.

The acts before them come and go in a blur. A girl sits by the piano, fingers gliding carefully over the keys, earning polite applause once she finishes. A group of younger students rush on stage right after, their dance slightly out of sync but full of energy, drawing a few amused laughs from the audience. A boy struggles through a magic trick, fumbling with his props before managing to pull it off just enough to earn encouragement.

From behind the curtain, Toya watches it all unfold in fragments. Clapping, footsteps, names being called, the low murmur of the crowd filling the spaces in between.

Toya thinks they’re doing well. Too well. He spares a few glances at Akito every now and then, but he’s unable to understand what he feels. Akito keeps an impassive face all throughout the participants, never once looking away.

Toya slowly slides his gaze back to the empty stage. For a moment he thinks they’re next, heart threatening to beat faster than it already has been all this time, only for a girl to pass by them.

There is only so much time they can stall, though.

Toya puts the water bottle to rest when they’re called. He grips his microphone tightly in the other hand. Each step he takes forward towards the light makes him feel even more uneasy.

He fears to see Him there. In the crowd.

Suddenly, there is a warmth in his hand. Toya’s gaze snaps up to see Akito looking at him, a small smile on his face. He squeezes. “You with me?”

Always, comes automatically.

Toya nods, not trusting his voice right now. He squeezes back.

Holding Akito’s song close to his heart, Toya sings with Akito onstage.

It honestly catches him by surprise to see the way Akito’s voice settles in the air. Like he knows what he’s doing and nothing else could stop him. Perhaps the time they spent waiting got him even more fired up. He leads the start of the song, leaving Toya to follow the lyrics after that. The song picks up in crescendo and, the more he begins feeling it in his veins, it gets easier to ignore all the stares in front of them.

The gymnasium has gone dark, the lights above their heads being the only source of light. It shines down over them. They switch places. Hand gestures, arm movements, even the way they moved around. It’s all thanks to Akito.

His best friend picks up the song where Toya leaves off, slowly building up to the climax of the song. His skin itches to look to the side, to Akito, he just feels like he has to. But he holds back, afraid to lose his confidence.

So he keeps his eyes forward.

At the very back of the gymnasium, past the faceless circles and various rows of chairs, the back door opens. Teacher Hara, who had been standing beside it, opened the door with a smile.

Harumichi slowly steps into the room, looking ahead. Toya thinks their gazes meet but he’s too far to actually see his face.

No… No… Why is he here…?

The song that had been so loud in his ears moments prior dims down to a white noise. Toya still breathes, that much he knows, yet it’s as if he’s unable to move. His throat tightens so hard he fears he’ll choke. So many faces are watching him right now and he can’t even sing for a little over 3 minutes.

He can’t look away. They’re certainly staring at each other now, aren’t they? What must he be thinking? Is he disappointed? Furious?

Toya sees a shade of ginger at the corner of his eye, reminding him of Akito’s presence beside him. It pulls him back to reality a bit, but no matter how much he tries to shake off the dread that settled in his chest, it simply won’t come off. It’s clear in the way his voice trembles and he misses some cues he replayed countless times in his head, thinking he’d do so to make the song play nicer. It’s all falling between his fingers like sand.

Only one thought echoed in his head: Harumichi knows.

And he’s not pleased.

When they’re done, applause still comes. Mechanically. He cannot see their reactions like this, immediately walking back to where he left his bottle of water and drinking the rest of it.

“Toya. We did it. We really did.” Akito comes up behind him, putting a hand on Toya's shoulder, his touch grounding.

He wants more. Just for a moment. Just this once.

He doesn’t dare to think of anything as he wraps his arms around Akito, squeezing him tightly. His nostrils catch a hint of sweat and a smell that is unmistakably Akito. Something he’s gotten to feel so many times and is probably the best thing he could ever have.

“Hey, hey. I’m here,” Akito wraps his arms around Toya’s back. “We did good, okay? Really good. I’m so proud of you.”

Akito rests his head against Toya’s. Right now Toya couldn't care less about hugging another boy this tightly in a dark corner of the gymnasium. Everyone’s too busy with the next performances to pay attention to them. So Toya claws onto the chance with all his might.

“He… He’s there…” He can barely recognize his voice.

“I know… I know. Breathe for me.” Akito gently insists. Toya tries, he really does.

The fog in his mind clears up just a bit even if his body won’t listen.

He only wants to stay here, close to Akito. He wants to go back to Akito’s room and read comics with him until dawn. He wants to listen to Akito’s singing more. He doesn’t want to go back home and face whatever Harumichi thinks. Father had made it clear he’s only letting Toya have a break on classical music because Toya asked to.

He wants to stay here. In Akito’s arms. Forever.

“Toya? Toya Aoyagi?” A voice calls out from afar.

Toya’s lip trembles. Akito’s face closes, gently creating a distance between them. Slowly.

“Oh, here you are. Your Father is calling for you.”

There’s so much he wants to say. Right now? The event isn’t over yet. Tell him I’m going. Please tell him to wait a little more. Tell him to find a seat. Tell him I’m busy. Tell him I’m unavailable.

But he only nods. The teacher nods back, pleased with his response, before diving back through the curtain opening.

“Let me talk to him. I can-”

“No,” Toya forces out. He cannot bring himself to look over his shoulder. “Stay, Akito. This means a lot to you. We can see each other tomorrow.”

The silence that follows is telling. Toya can easily imagine Akito grinding his teeth or clenching his fists.

“... Promise?”

“Of course.”

Toya walks away, pushing the curtain aside. The warmth from Akito’s hug disappeared the moment painfully familiar eyes settled on him.

ㅤ

“Sit.”

Toya slowly sits on the chair. The house is quiet and Mother is already sitting in a corner, her eyes that had always been so delicate now red. She looks away when their gazes meet.

Harumichi’s office is dead quiet. Toya keeps his hands folded on his lap, unmoving, as if it would make him disappear. He wishes he could. Father looms by his desk, a hand rubbing his jaw. He still wears that frown like a second skin.

“Every so often I wonder where I went wrong,” Harumichi begins, voice low and displeased, lowering his hand in order to look at Toya. “Seeing you wasting your time away with that boy. I wonder to myself, ‘why does my son insists on defying our wishes?’”

“I wonder to myself what you see in him. And so far I think I did a good job in tolerating his presence in your life.”

“However, I think I was very clear in what career I always wanted you to follow. Your Mother, too. You have things others could only dream of, Toya.”

He knows. Of course he knows. It’s not every family that has the chance to have such an important figure in the branch they act. Being born in a golden crib, following an easier path than others, suffering less consequences.

At first glance everything seems so easy. He’ll grow to have money and a family just like his dad. Nothing else to worry about since there’s already food on the table. But then Toya remembers the countless hours he spent hunched over that piano. How much his fingertips hurt. How scared he felt when he continuously got a simple part wrong, afraid his dad’s patience might run out and he’d be done with Toya at once.

Your Father has denied many offers abroad just to teach you, Toya.

So you should make him proud and work even harder.

“Imagine my surprise when I heard about the talent show. I thought you’d finally embrace classical music as a whole and use it to perform, since you rarely participate in any public events.”

“But you were there. Singing that… Type of music.” Harumichi speaks with so much disdain, as if the simple fact he’s acknowledging the existence of said music is a waste of breath. “You’re wasting your time, Toya. You’re only losing yourself into something that is absolutely not worth it. What will it be of you in a few years? Living off in the streets because of some… Boy?”

I just wanted to do something I wanted for once.

“Is this what you’ve been doing every time you arrive home late?”

There’s nothing that could ever compare to what Akito makes him feel.

“Speak to me, Toya!”

Harumichi slams his hand over the desk, the sound of a pen falling on the floor nothing but a distant sound. Toya doesn’t mean to flinch, but he does.

His throat burns. He wants to say something. Anything. Everything is right at the tip of his tongue but no matter how hard he tries not a single word comes out. Harumichi is furious and he cannot come up with any excuse for it.

When Toya continues to not reply, Harumichi sighs. “You are ruining your life. But I won’t let you. You are throwing away opportunities others would kill for and for some reason you continuously choose to turn a blind eye to our attempts.”

“So I’ll give you a last choice. You are to either stop spending time with that boy, pay more attention to your schoolwork and come back to practicing. Or we’ll leave this village immediately and come back to Shibuya, where we know will be best for you. You are going to study in whatever university I want, and you will become a pianist.”

A bucket of cold water is thrown over him. Toya’s head snaps up.

He can’t take Akito away from him. Anything but that.

Toya stands up, his voice wavering. “Father, you cannot possibly-”

“I can and I will.” Harumichi cuts him off, his voice cold. “So, what will it be? The sooner we finish this circus the faster you can finally have a perception of the time you’re losing.”

Toya’s mouth gapes. He slowly inhales, feeling pinned to the wall a few steps behind him with how Harumichi seems to look inside of him.

“I… I don’t want…”

“Don’t want, what?”

Toya swallows. He knows what to say. But he doesn’t know if it would even change anything.

Every fiber in his body screams at him to talk. Argue back with what he feels. They’re standing over an edge and Toya cannot look down no matter what.

“... Nothing.”

The silence that follows is deafening.

His Mother is tearing up again, wiping her tears with the back of her hand. Harumichi laughs. “Nothing.” He repeats as if that’s the biggest joke he ever heard.

Toya wonders what comes next, countless possibilities, none of which are pleasant.

Harumichi spares a glance at Mother. Picks up his glasses. “Then we’ll sleep. I believe you know what to do now after so many disappointments.”

Toya slowly sits back down, his legs weak. Harumichi walks past him in long strides, leaving the office.

He’s staring forward at nothing at all. A point in the wall that calls no attention. A new kind of heaviness Toya hasn’t felt in so long settles deep within his stomach.

Mother slowly walks up behind him. The floorboards creak and clothes shuffle as she kneels down. “Go to sleep, my child. Get some rest.”

She doesn’t wait for a reply, walking the same way Harumichi did, her footsteps getting farther and farther away, then he’s engulfed in silence.

ㅤ

He doesn’t go to school for the next three days.

He knows he won’t be able to avoid Akito if he does go. And right now the last thing he needs is to face Akito the way he is now.

Not long after the first school day was over Akito had sent him messages.

[🥞] « are you okay? »

[🥞] « you rarely miss school »

[🥞] « did you get scolded? »

[🥞] « the others also think we did great btw :) »

Instead of replying, Toya turned his phone off and slid it under his bed. He’s so stupid This is pathetic. Akito shouldn’t rope into whatever’s going on in Toya’s family. For his own sake. That’s what he tells himself when he hears Akito calling out for Toya at the usual time they’re supposed to bike for school and when he doesn’t open his window anymore.

He balances his missing attendances with heavy piano practicing, only standing up to eat and go to the bathroom. Harumichi stayed beside him for the first few hours before letting Toya be. Toya isn’t a child anymore.

Sleep doesn’t come easily either, so he continues.

The pain in his fingertips is nothing but a consequence of his own actions. He had been wishing for it the moment he offered to sing with Akito. He should’ve expected it.

It’s ironic, he can’t help but think, that he ends up crawling back to the piano after trying so hard to run away from it.

By the 4th day he is prone to get attention from the school, so he has to go. He leaves earlier than Akito (by triple checking Akito isn’t waiting at some corner just to catch Toya off guard), wary of the clouds beginning to form on the sky and chooses the farthest seat from Akito’s. An, Kohane and Kotaro come up to Toya to greet him, their eyes reflecting they definitely know something happened, but he simply shakes his head and normally indulges in their small talk.

“Akito’s been worried, you know,” An said the moment Kohane and Kotaro were away. She puts a hand to her chin. “Did you guys fight?”

“... Something like that.” No.

“Well, I hope you two talk it out soon. You know he won’t give up.”

The implication sends a shiver down Toya’s spine, fully knowing Akito is the kind of person that means everything he says. Taking a different seat only means he’s prolonging the inevitable.

“An. Please.”

He doesn’t know what she sees, but her expression softens.

“He just cares about you.”

“I know.”

Akito arrives together with the teacher. For the rest of the class, Toya doesn’t turn around.

ㅤ

Some droplets fall over his face.

Toya’s standing by a double set of doors at one of the many entrances their school has. It is quiet behind him, the sound of the rain loud enough to make him forget just for a moment what he got himself into.

He also forgot to bring an umbrella. So there’s that.

The door behind him slides open. He hears panting first. “Found you.”

Toya slowly inhales. Exhales. Turns around.

Akito has his hand pressed against the two slide doors, breathing heavily as if he had been running to search for Toya. Behind him, the hallway is completely empty and grayed out, no signs of sunlight anywhere.

They’re just entering winter. Right.

“Akito.” Toya begins, trying his best to keep his voice even. He should make this quick. “You-”

Akito has none of it. He slides the door shut, walking in quick strides and wrapping his arms around Toya. Tightly.

“I was so worried.” He says by his ear. That’s the first thing he has to say? “Gods, you don’t ever do that again.”

His fingers prickle to hug Akito back. The rain is heavy and loud and just enough to drown Toya’s thoughts away from consequences like many times he did before. But that means Akito will continue lingering by his side.

Like the way He doesn’t want to.

Toya puts a hand between them. Applies pressure. “Let go.”

“Hell no,” Akito spats. “You disappear for 4 whole days after what happened and expect me to act as if nothing happened?”

Toya presses harder, using both hands. Sometimes he forgets Akito is stronger than he looks, because the other only hugs him tighter. And Toya is much weaker than he thinks he is.

Akito knows Toya like the back of his hand, just like Toya knows Akito. He knows that if he hugged Akito back right now the latter would be willing to push this aside. On any other day they’d sit beside each other and talk the day away, arriving home just when the sun is almost fully set.

(Something he’s not allowed to anymore.)

Like a string that refuses to snap, Akito clings to Toya like an octopus. “What happened that day? Please, talk to me.”

Toya sighs, giving in for a moment. He probably won’t be able to single handedly push Akito away anyway.

“Stuff. That mostly got solved.”

Akito hums, seemingly pleased. They stay there in silence for a while. His uneasiness had almost dissipated completely, having already gotten used to Akito’s embrace, when his friend began to pull away. Toya tries not to grimace at the cold feeling that immediately blankets where Akito warmed up.

“So… Are you just going to leave me with that?”

He shakes his head. Akito deserves to know some parts.

Should he just say it now? Or later?

Either way it’ll happen in this very hour.

Perhaps Akito’s hug also has the power of leaving him numb. Because Toya isn’t panicking like he was a few minutes ago.

“I actually wanted to talk to you.”

Akito’s brows knit together. “Us?”

“Yes. Us,” Toya moved a hand between them. That catches Akito’s attention. “Something important I’ve been thinking about.”

“Go on.” Akito says, slowly.

There’s a brief moment of silence. Toya briefly wonders how he should even approach this, even if he imagined countless scenarios in these three days. None of them prove to be useful now that his mind blanks, Akito’s expectant eyes not helping at all.

Toya takes his time listening to the rain. Bathing in his warmth that Akito brings with him so naturally. Indulges himself into thinking that they’re going to spend time tomorrow as if nothing happened.

.
.

“I think we should… Change some things.”

“What things?” Akito immediately shoots back.

“It’s just…” Toya exhales. “We’ve been spending too much time together.”

There’s a pause. Toya can practically see how the realization slowly sinks into Akito’s head.

Feel that thread starting to snap.

“…What?”

“It’s not… Normal.” Toya continues, the words sounding rehearsed and baseless even to his own ears. “We should focus on other things.”

Akito lets out a short, disbelieving breath. “Since when is that a problem?”

“It’s just better this way.” he says instead.

“For who?”

For who, indeed. The truth is nobody. But Toya fears he already dug himself so deep there’s no salvation. And he needs Akito as far away as possible. No matter what.

“For both of us.”

Akito scoffs. “You looked the happiest you’ve been since forever back then.” He takes a step closer. “Coincidentally right before your dad snatched you away. Then you disappear for three days and come back with this… Whatever this is. Do you really expect me to believe that?”

Toya’s fingers curl slightly at his sides. “I’m telling the truth. I’ve been thinking about us for a long time. I’m just saying we should-”

“-Stop hanging out?” Akito cuts in, sharper now. “After everything we did together?”

Something in Toya begins to crack. Seeing Akito like this makes him want to back down. Unfortunately, that is not an option anymore. “It’s not like that.”

“Then what is it like, Toya?”

Toya swallows. His throat feels dry again. “We’re just… going in different directions. We’ll still live in the same village, spend weekends together… Like before.”

“Bullshit.” Akito spats.

Toya flinches. He has no right to feel hurt over this. He should’ve expected Akito would react like this. He did. Yet here he is.

Akito’s anger slightly dims at the display, though it definitely still remains there. He runs a hand through his hair, pacing around like he’s trying to keep himself together. Toya watched him all the while, pointedly avoiding staring at his face. “Did I do something?” Akito asks, firmly. “Because if I did, just say it.”

“No. You didn’t.”

A tch. “Then what changed?”

Toya’s silence stretches. Akito’s eyes pin him down in a way that even trying to escape feels hurtful, even if he feels it on the side of his head. Without meaning to, Toya keeps his gaze averted to the floor and does not speak another word.

Akito steps even closer, close enough that Toya can’t avoid him anymore. The tip of Akito’s shoes peek at the top of his vision, both their pairs dirty with mismatched colors. “Look at me.”

Toya reluctantly does.

“Say it properly,” Akito pressed, a hint of pleading bleeding in. “What’s actually going on?”

For a second Toya almost gives in. Throws away this facade and apologizes to Akito for saying such things. He almost tells him about what happened that night. How his dad reacted. How he almost left Kubitachi completely.

For a second, just a second, Toya hesitates.

“... Nothin’s going on. I’m telling you.”

Akito looks at him like he’s the biggest liar in the world. Toya is, honestly.

*What I’m trying to say is,” He amends, realizing this is going nowhere. Time is passing. “It’s weird.”

“Toya, we’re literally best friends-”

“I mean the music.” He immediately interrupts. When he does so, something in Akito’s expression changes. “The things you’re wasting time on. The things…”

It is only halfway he realizes he cannot come up with anything else. At that, Akito scoffs. “You’re sounding just like him.” He says with his eyes wide in disbelief. “Is that it? Did he really say something? Why are you not telling me, huh? Am I not important anymore? What are you going to say next? That I… I’m doing all this for nothing?”

“He has nothing to do with this-”

“Of course he has!” Akito suddenly bursts. A thunder roars in the distance just then, briefly painting half of their faces in a white hue. “Stop defending him! I would know that better than anyone, Toya. Don’t shoulder this to yourself when I clearly shouldn’t have let you come with me!!!” His voice raises for each word, syllables cracking and fighting to be heard over the storm around them. “And what’s with the music talk? You came to the conclusion you don’t want to be beside me anymore?! You’re clearly just saying shit!”

Toya’s lip trembles.

He never saw how furious Akito could be when face to face like this. He can count on one hand the times he saw Akito talk like this. They were always from the sidelines, Toya steeling himself to calm Akito down whenever a guy went too far with his teasing or they touched a subject Akito despised.

Like this, he cannot bring himself to feel anything closely remote to sadness or reciprocate anger. What he initially aimed for is working and before he knows it Akito will easily forget him. They’ll go on with their different paths and never see each other ever again.

The more that thread is forced apart, memories tear apart within them. Things they promised each other, places they wished to go when they grew up. What movie they were planning to watch and what book Toya had in mind to skim over next time they visited the school library.

Toya knows he can be incredibly selfish, but even he knows when it’s time to back down.

His persistent silence ticked off a vein in Akito’s jaw. He suddenly gripped the front of Toya’s uniform, pulling him closer. “I cannot have anyone saying shit to what I love, Toya. Not even you.”

“You wanted honesty, didn’t you?” Toya jabs back. “Rot with all your songs for all I care, but I’m not going down with you!”

“Hah! I wonder, is that how you see it, or is that asshole still drilling holes in your head?” Akito briefly looks to the side. Their hair swayed with the wind that has been gradually picking up ever since the storm began. “I guess you’re really just that easy to brainwash. After all these years, you still mindlessly obey him”

Something in Toya burns.

He asked for this.

This is nothing.

This is necessary.

He’s definitely not getting saved after this.

“Alright.” When Akito looks back to Toya, he sees something resolute. That lively olive he’s grown to cherish for so long is now dull. Like the very last door to salvation closed. “You’re that willing to follow daddy’s wishes? I couldn’t care any less. Stay with him and see where that gets you.”

Next thing Toya knows Akito raises his fist, hitting him square in the face. His vision blurs and fragments of broken memories clog his throat, rendering him unable to fight back. To do anything but accept this.

That thread snaps and, as Akito drops him to the floor and runs into the storm, wet clothes and all, Toya briefly thinks that he did it. He watches Akito’s form disappear until he is nothing and Toya is truly, utterly alone.

He should be happy. But his insides are clawing themselves apart. He shudders, touching his cheek.

That day, he arrived home drenched wet and with his eyes completely red, an empty void sitting in his chest where his heart should be.

Toya never imagined rain would taste so salty.

ㅤ

ㅤ

“Oh, Toya. Good evening.”

“Ena, good evening,” Toya musters a small smile at the girl holding the door of the Shinonome household open. “Akito didn’t come to school today, so I was worried something happened.”

Ena opens the door a little wider, something near sympathy glimpsing her features. “Something definitely happened. But he never tells me, so. I’m actually glad you came. Come in.”

Toya mutters a small ‘excuse me’, taking his shoes off and laying them side by side in a corner.

“Where is he?”

“His room.” She partly shrugs, motioning to the end of the hallway. “You’ll know it when you look inside.” And with that she walks away to what he presumes is her bedroom, leaving him completely alone.

Toya takes slow steps, holding the strap of his backpack tightly, his gaze absently moving around the house.

He stops for a little too long at a moderately big cross hanging in the wall, right above a family picture of the Shinonome Family. It wasn’t there before. It did at some point.

Akito’s parents are smiling at the camera. Ena is the one holding said camera up, winking, wearing a kimono and looking absolutely dazzling. Akito is smiling so wide there’s some kind of food trickling down his chin.

Finally arriving at Akito’s door, he slowly slides the door open.

He immediately understands what Ena meant the moment he sees a figure wrapped around a blanket, sitting on the floor. It does not move, much like a rock, and despite everything Toya cracks a small, tired smile.

He drops his bag at the usual corner, adjusting his uniform so it wouldn’t have any crinkles from the backpack sliding from one side to the other. Once satisfied, he makes his way to Akito.

Falling to his knees with a soft thud, Toya sighs. “I’m sorry for the way I acted yesterday. I was too harsh.”

With sunlight filtering through the windows, it is nearly impossible to see what face Akito is making under the blanket’s hood. “Why’re you apologizing…? I’m the one who should be doing it. Not you.”

“An was acting just fine today. It was just a scare.” At least, she didn’t mention it. She even showed worry when Akito didn’t come to class today, glancing every once in a while at the empty seat. “I’m not mad anymore.”

Toya tentatively reaches a hand, wishing to know what kind of face Akito is making. Just when he’s about to touch the blanket, a hand emerges from the pitch black hole, causing him to flinch involuntarily.

“You talk like that… But you’re definitely still scared.” Akito whines, his voice muffled. That hand pulls back to the darkness. “You’re definitely grossed out, aren’t you? After what you saw? The danger I can impose? I honestly wouldn’t blame you, it must be so disgusting…”

Toya’s speechless, honestly only half paying attention to Akito’s whimpering complaints, moving his limbs beneath the blanket uncontrollably.

“That’s not what I…”

Akito sniffles. That dark circle faces him.

“Do you hate me now?”

He doesn’t hesitate to shake his head. That’s the last thing he feels right now. “No, Akito. I don’t.”

“That name…” It trembles. Then, in a swift movement, the blanket flies up, revealing Akito’s teary face. A shiver runs down Toya’s spine at the sight. Even after all this time it’s so easy to pretend Akito is back. But at the same time, Akito would’ve never acted like this. It’s only in moments where they’re alone that the stark difference between the two shines. “Toya, I… Listen… I promise not to hurt anyone else anymore. I promise. So… Please, don’t hate me…”

Toya’s breathing hitches as It crawls closer, his body moving a little backwards on automatic. Thankfully It didn’t take that as another clue of him being scared, focused solely on his face. Those tears press against the front of his shirt as It buries his face there, crying harder.

“I don’t care what happens after… I’ll apologise to An, so… Please, don’t hate me…” An ugly sniff. “I just want to be with you. That’s all I need.”

Toya’s mouth partly gapes.

He has never seen Akito cry before, let alone this hard. Every sob that leaves that throat makes something in him twist in a weird way, not necessarily uncomfortably, but also not exactly sane.

Had he not left the house that rainy night, what would’ve been of him? Because right now, Toya pretty much feels like he’s already on the same level as It. Perhaps even lower.

He must’ve truly gone insane. To not care about anything at all after yesterday and be the one to fold first in their small argument.

(Can it even be called one? He’s the one who kept accusing…)

Putting a hand in that soft ginger hair, he ruffles it softly. The action causes red rimmed eyes to look up, their gazes meeting.

He expects to see Akito’s eyes. It still possesses the downturn at the end and his lashes are still long. There’s a red circle in the middle of each one instead, shining brightly beneath ginger bangs.

It is not Akito. It will never be Akito. It is an impostor.

But, even so…

“I’m not mad at you, I don’t hate you,” He assures, his hand never stopping his movement. “In fact, I was worried you didn’t come today. The others were, too.”

It didn’t stop crying like he hoped, some tears continuing to run down his cheeks. It sniffles. “Even if I’m an intruder using your friend’s body?”

Friend. What a rich word.

Toya nods, his hand slowly descending to caress Its cheek. It leans into his touch, their features softening. Now it just looks like a lost puppy. “I’m sorry… For taking liberties with it… Doing whatever I want…”

“So long as you don’t do it anymore, it should be fine, right?” Toya says, slowly, fully knowing he’s practically opening the door wide for it to enter.

Another sniffle. There’s no happiness like it would’ve normally acted for such a calm display from Toya. “You’re too nice.”

“I still meant what I said. I was too harsh.”

Maybe he can change how it behaves. Make it get used to humanity and lose this edge that pops up whenever it fears getting hurt.

This is bad…

Toya continues to caress its cheek despite the restless thoughts thrumming in his mind.

He shouldn’t come this close.

He should be the farthest away from here.

He should be respecting Akito’s death.

He doesn’t deserve to do this.

But Toya is a human. And humans are known for being selfish.

The thought makes him feel bad to no end, yet here he is. Caressing the devil like it is a friend they had a fight with.

Toya thinks of swings. Laughing children. An angry boy that flipped their own parents off. He looks down and sees something else instead. Something that in all ways screams bad.

Toya smiles. “You’re just lonely, aren’t you?”

“... You really think so?”

Well, maybe that’s what it could come close to in human terms. It’s also the first thing that popped into Toya's mind.

“Don’t know.” He breathed. “I just know I want you back. We can work things out together.”

Those eyes widened. It stilled. Then, in a swift motion, it tackled Toya down, arms wrapped tightly around his torso. “Okay…”

It doesn’t have to be Akito, Toya tells himself as he hugs It back. It just has to stay.

He stares at the sunlight painted ceiling, unfocused.

You can hear me, right?

ㅤ

He doesn’t remember how he got here. Only that he smells medicine and hears multiple voices behind him. Looking up, the door is marked by the number 12.

His hand hovers over the handle. The door easily opens with a creak. Hesitantly, he steps into the room.

Akito is looking out the window by his bed, an IV line resting in his arm. He only looks at Toya when the door softly closes shut with a click. Toya doesn’t know if he flinches because the silence that had been reigning in the hospital room is interrupted, the voices now locked outside, or the way Akito looks at him with an unreadable expression.

Toya shifts in his spot, suddenly self conscious he basically biked all the way to the hospital when he heard Akito was awake. Fatigue begins to settle in his bones. “Hi.”

“Hi.” Akito says back, a smile on his face. Then, as if nothing happened, he motioned to a lone chair beside his bed. “Come sit.”

And Toya is taken aback. He had been expecting Akito to kick him out, to be told to leave, at the very least.

But the way his shoulders sag, relief flooding in his system, is undeniable.

ㅤ

Water slowly creeps closer, closer, then suddenly it jumps forward. Toya jumps at how cold it is around his feet, almost dropping his cap.

Behind him, Akito cackles loudly.

“It can’t be that cold.” He teases, kicking his own shoes off in the sand and standing beside Toya. He waits for the wave to creep in again, only to jump a bit when it does the same to him.

Toya side eyed him. “You also flinched.”

“It just feels… Weird.” Akito admits, wiggling his toes.

They take a few more steps into the sea, a little under their knees now. Ahead of them the sun starts to dip, bidding farewell to small village Kubitachi.

“You didn’t act like this when we tried out that ice cream flavor.”

“Because it also tasted good. But I guess this also feels nice. When you get used to it.”

A snort. “Really?”

“I’m being serious here.” Akito elbows his side. Only to crack a grin afterwards. “Having the memory is different. Actually feeling it is one thing.”

They stay there, facing the sunset. Akito walked further into the sea, uncaring if his pants got completely soaked.

“The water’s nice,” He called out, extending a hand to Toya. “Come.”

A beat of silence passed. Toya accepted his hand, grimacing slightly at the feeling of his clothes clinging to him the further he walked away from the shore. Akito had this wide smile on his face, half of it bathed in sunlight. Toya cannot help but stare.

They do not stay dry for long. Akito splashes water at him and Toya reciprocates, resulting in a small war on the sea. Toya never got the chance to learn how to swim. He forgot Akito knows when he suddenly dips underwater, a single plop dropping where he used to be.

“Oh, no-”

Akito suddenly resurfaces right in front of him with a loud roar, his wet arms encompassing Toya in a tight hug. “Got you!”

They splash around for a while, much to Toya’s dismay. He probably thinks they look like that sopping wet cat Kohane showed them a few days ago.

“Apparently, if you throw rocks in a certain way, they’ll bounce.” Akito says once they sit down, the sun is almost completely gone. He reaches for a small rock, throwing it ahead.

It falls pathetically with a dull ‘plop’.

“Ah.”

“Are you sure it’s like that?”

“Pretty much. I think.”

Akito picks up another one. He pulls his hand back and throws it ahead with all his might. It lands on the sea again with a sad splash. “Whatever.” He falls down, getting sand in his back, and hair, and-

Toya shudders. He reaches a hand. “Let me try it.”

Akito rolls to the side, giving him one. This one’s smooth and almost shaped like a ball.

He mimics Akito’s position, throwing it ahead. It bounces 2 exact times before sinking into the sea.

“Ouch.”

“Yeah, it’s stupid.” Toya said, wringing the edge of his shirt, water falling on the sand beneath him.

“Truly.” Akito hums, sitting back up. He stares at Toya for a good moment before lighting up. “Oh, right.”

Toya blinks, continuing to wrinkle his shirt. Akito’s back faces him as he picks up something from the sand. Soon enough, he’s back to facing Toya. What he holds is…

“Wait, this is…”

He looks down to the lyrics in Akito’s hand. His smile dims a bit, letting Toya’s gaze skim over every letter. Akito’s handwriting.

He picks it up, realizing it is much fuller ever since the last time he saw them.

“But how…?”

Akito briefly averts his gaze when Toya looks back up. He scratched the back of his head.

“I remembered where he stored it. Well, not really, because I still had to guess, but I had an idea where. I thought you’d want to keep it.”

Holding the paper a bit tighter, Toya’s gaze drops back to the words. These are one of, if not the last thing that has been left untouched all this time. They’re something Akito created with passion and love.

And Toya’s holding it.

A small, sad smile slipped onto his face. “They’re still unfinished.”

“Yeah. I noticed that too.”

Akito scoots closer, their foreheads almost touching as both of them look down to the lyrics.

“Thank you.” Toya finally said after a while.

“No problem.” Akito smiled, briefly, before dropping it. “There’s also another thing I wanted to tell you.”

Toya nods, letting him continue, careful to not wet the paper in his hands by pressing it to his legs.

A moment of silence ensues. Toya can see how Akito is clearly struggling a bit to talk. They’re not in a rush, so he simply waits, putting the paper somewhere safer, under a heavier rock so it won’t fly away. His fingers linger over its surface for a moment longer.

“When I did… That. Back then.” Akito begins, slowly. Unsure. “When we fought. There was this brief moment when I received new memories. They looked normal at first, but when I actually put my fingers in them, I realized they were fragments. Of what happened that day.”

Toya’s breathing hitched, something in his chest clenching. “You don’t mean…”

Akito nods. Even slower. He actually looks hesitant to be saying all of this aloud.

“They’re not the entire thing. But enough just to know how. And… How I could show you.”

The waves continue to run over the shore. Akito’s lips are pursed as he waits for Toya’s response. He looks down to his knees, then the sun.

“Toya.” Akito urged, quietly. “I can tell you what…”

“No.” Toya softly interrupted.

The simple words cut through Akito’s request easily. The latter sits a bit straighter, humming.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah.”

Had Akito asked this a few weeks ago, he would’ve immediately jumped at the chance. But right now, as things are, he thinks it might be better to let that topic rest for a while.

“I guess I’m just… Not ready to face it yet.” He murmurs, completely honest. If anything, he doesn’t deserve to see it at all.

Despite his thoughts, the silver platter remains in front of him. In the form of something he had to learn to cherish.

They’ve come through so much, haven’t they?

“Not now.” Toya repeats, quietly.

“Okay. But even so, I have one last thing to add.”

Toya can’t help it. “How long did you spend rehearsing all of this?” His words are meant to be a joke, something to find funny. Instead they come quieter than they should.

“A lot, okay? And I still think I didn’t do it properly.”

Akito clears his throat.

“Anyway. This is also something I’ve come to realize with these past few days. It’s like memories have been coming more often. Like… Replacing slots that were previously empty.” Akito stays on his knees, leveling his look with Toya’s. There’s no smile for the next words that come out.

“He didn’t hate you, Toya.”

A hitch of his breath. Two beats of silence. Silver eyes slowly close.

“... Are you telling me this to make me feel better?”

“You know I wouldn’t…” Akito sighs, exasperated. “Is that so hard to believe?”

“Kind of.”

He doesn’t know if Akito knows, so he settles for something calmer.

“There are lots of things I regret. And I wouldn’t blame him for despising me until his last breath.”

“I can feel it here.” Akito moved a hand to rest on his chest, right above where his heart should be. “It still beats faster when we’re together. I’d say I’ve been learning to understand him, but…”

A shrug. He doesn’t finish his sentence, gaze downcast.

Toya watches. Opens his arms.

“Come here.”

It gladly does so.

ㅤ

The sun is completely gone. Stars have begun to show up in the sky. They continue to stare at the sea, sitting side by side.

He didn’t hate you.

Just two years ago, they were fine. Nothing had gone wrong.

He can still close his eyes and imagine sitting on the beach they went to two years ago as if it happened yesterday.

Memories don’t disappear over time, wounds don’t close if you leave them alone. And things certainly don’t get better that fast.

He still struggles to find his own path. He still has a strained relationship with Harumichi. He still hates the piano. He still wants to go back to Shibuya.

Toya quietly looks to the side.

Akito is already looking at him, a smile on his face. In this darkness looming around them, Toya can clearly see the red in his pupils now. They definitely glow.

Things don’t get better. They only get more bearable.

With him here, that is enough.