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In the weeks following the untimely death of Will LaMontagne, Emily finds herself an increasingly frequent visitor of JJ's home. Grief eclipses the awkwardness that had crept into their friendship over the last few years and cemented itself with BAUgate. In the face of this loss, none of that matters. Emily puts aside her ego, her job, even her feelings, so that she can take care of JJ and her sons.
But just because she isn't thinking about her feelings doesn't mean they aren't there. Emily has loved JJ for so long that she can't really remember a time without it hanging over her. It had been her stupid, unthinking words that had driven JJ back to Will in the first place, effectively closing any window of opportunity Emily might've had to pursue her. Not that JJ had been ready, anyway—Emily had heard, much later, what she had said to Hotch about the unsub. What if Luvet is seeing a freedom in his victims that he wishes he had himself? It rang so true in Emily, reminding her painfully of her teenage self, desperate to find normalcy. She knew JJ had buried her true self down so deeply, though it would take years before Emily discovered how much she'd hidden, and why. But that moment had been enough to tell her that JJ was still running, regardless of what Emily felt.
It's been almost twenty years since then, and despite everything that has happened in the interim, Emily still feels the same. She'd been too early before, but she's used to waiting. Not that it matters right now, of course—JJ doesn't need any of Emily's mess. She just needs Emily's friendship, which she is more than willing to give.
The patterns are easy to fall into. She memorizes Henry and Michael's schedules, volunteering to take them places whenever JJ is stretched too thin. No one has ever accused Emily of being a good cook, but she helps with other household tasks, and she's present for dinner more often than not. Some nights, JJ talks to her: about work, about her stress, occasionally her grief. Some nights she just sits next to Emily on the couch in silence. As the weeks turn into months, Emily learns to appreciate both.
It is Penelope who brings the spark back into their lives. She coaxes JJ into a variety of social settings, ranging from casual drinks in Penelope's apartment to actual girls' nights, both in public and at home. It takes time, but they all breathe a sigh of relief when JJ starts to reemerge from her shell. Her cheeks hold more color. She laughs more, and means it. Even Henry notices the change, though he only talks about it once. Emily's time at the Jareau-LaMontagne household starts to dwindle as JJ's stability returns, but her friendship with JJ remains strong. Hopeful.
Still, she's surprised when JJ stops her outside her office one day, her touch warm on Emily's arm before she pulls away. "The boys are going to see my mom this weekend, so I was thinking of having a girls' night at my place. Penelope's already planning, and I think Tara was going to bring Rebecca too. You in?"
"I—yeah," Emily says, a smile chasing away her momentary shock. "I'll be there."
When JJ smiles back, something kickstarts in Emily's chest. Maybe, she thinks, as she watches JJ walk back to her desk, there might be a chance for her to try again. Maybe this time she can get the timing right.
—
The mood at JJ's house on Saturday night is bright and easy. There haven't been many opportunities recently for the five of them to get together like this, but everything flows with the same cadence that it always has. Armed with wine, they lounge around JJ's living room in their sweatpants and laugh until their sides hurt. Rebecca and Tara curl into each other on the loveseat while JJ sits sandwiched between Emily and Penelope—close enough that they're constantly touching, but Emily refuses to readjust. Even through the lens of friendship, she and JJ have always been tactile, so it isn't like she's giving anything away. Besides, JJ herself seems perfectly content.
Some time after the wine mellows out their giggles, JJ leans forward and places her glass on the table. Her cheeks are flushed, but when she sits back again, her expression has grown more serious.
Emily nudges her knee. "You okay?" she asks quietly.
JJ nods, a small but sure smile returning to her face. "Yeah, I'm good." She turns to address the group of them, holding her knees loosely to her chest. "I…might've had an ulterior motive in wanting to hang out with all of you though. There's something I wanted to talk about."
"We are all ears," promises Penelope, setting her glass beside JJ's and propping her chin on her hands.
JJ blows out a long breath before she begins. "As you all know, I was with Will for a long time. This doesn't really have anything to do with him, but…before I met him, I'd started to…" Her lips twist as she grasps for the words. "…question some things. But I was too scared to actually go after the answers. Then, once I was with him, I didn't have to. As you can imagine, these last several months have given me nothing but time to think. Time to go back over those answers I'd pushed off."
Each word out of JJ's mouth thuds against Emily's heartbeat. When JJ pauses again, caught up against that last blockade that Emily remembers so well, she pushes past her selfish thoughts to place a reassuring hand on JJ's knee. Those bright blue eyes meet hers and soften. Emily nods just slightly, as if to say, you've got this, and JJ exhales slowly.
"The answer is that I'm bisexual. And I'm not running away from it anymore."
Penelope pulls her into a hug, and JJ's startled laughter is muffled against her shoulder. "Oh, I'm so happy for you, JJ."
"Welcome to the club," adds Tara, lifting her glass and grinning.
When JJ frees herself from Penelope, her gaze locks on Emily again. "I'm proud of you," Emily says softly, because she is. She knows exactly everything that JJ has had to overcome to be able to get here, to find this version of herself.
Still, when JJ smiles, Emily can't deny all the selfish reasons why she has that pride either.
As the night continues, Emily allows herself to imagine. During some of the more difficult years, she often found herself thinking that she'd have to be satisfied with the handful of almosts that JJ had left her with in Paris, and no more. But this…this changes things. It fills Emily with the dangerous kind of hope that she hasn't felt since 2006. She won't let herself repeat those same mistakes—and there is no one else to get in the way this time.
At least, not yet.
—
They're at a bar when it happens, though it'll be weeks before Emily can identify this night as the night. Penelope has taken to celebrating JJ's newfound queerness like a fish to water, so this isn't the first gay bar the three of them and Tara have found themselves at on a Friday night. It's quite lively; there is some sort of event happening in the background—a drag show or karaoke, maybe both. Emily can't tell, because all of her attention is on JJ.
JJ has gotten much more comfortable in her skin these last few months. With the year anniversary come and gone, the grief from Will's death has become manageable, and that, combined with the confidence she's found from embracing a truth long repressed, has turned JJ into a version of herself that Emily can only describe as intoxicating. After so long being in love with her, Emily had been amazed to find that JJ could still surprise her, could still have so many new facets to herself. Maybe she shouldn't have been—JJ has always been special. But as Emily sits across the booth from JJ and watches her toss back a drink, tracing the way her arms move beneath her leather jacket, she knows she's never felt quite like this: all in, love and hope swirling together.
Though her intentions have been simmering just beneath the surface for weeks now, Emily has found herself holding back. There were a plethora of excuses—JJ was new to her queerness, so she deserved time to explore; Emily didn't want JJ to think she was taking advantage. All sorts of nonsense that only somewhat hid the fact that, despite all the time Emily has had to deal with her feelings, she's still terrified of the consequences. Talking herself back into actually pursuing JJ has taken so long that Emily has started to worry that, on one of these nights out, JJ will find someone else that she wants to take home. She's promised herself that tonight will be different.
She won't make a move in front of Tara and Penelope, but that doesn't stop Emily from watching. When JJ stands to get refills for herself and Tara, Emily's gaze follows her. Her eyes track how JJ leans against the bar, her jacket riding up just enough to show a sliver of her back. There are plenty of other women with their own gazes on JJ, but Emily doesn't see them. She only has eyes for JJ.
Then Penelope says something, a joke or a jab, and Tara's resulting laughter pulls Emily's attention back to their table. Her wandering gaze surely hasn't gone unnoticed, and she shakes her head at their amusement before giving in again. But JJ isn't where Emily left her. She's a few feet down the bar, approaching someone—a woman with honey-brown hair and eyes to match, and a figure that Emily grudgingly appreciates. Emily looks back just in time to see a name form on JJ's lips, and then her face lights up with a smile that Emily hasn't seen in years.
There is a hug that goes on just long enough to blur the line of friendliness, and an excited rush of words between them that Emily can't hear but festers in her chest anyway. She doesn't recognize the woman, but clearly JJ does, and for some reason that stings. It isn't until JJ grabs the woman's hand and turns back toward the table does Emily realize this won't be a passing thing.
This is the moment she'll remember, later.
She'll remember JJ reappearing at the table's edge, her cheeks flushed and eyes bright, saying, "Pen, you'll never believe who I just ran into! Em, Tara, this is Elle Greenaway—she used to work in the BAU with us."
The details will fade—Penelope's excited squeal, the introductions, JJ sliding back into the booth and Elle following close behind. They'll talk, finding an easy camaraderie despite nearly all being strangers, now. In the moment, it feels like serendipity. Elle is brash and funny, a little rough around the edges, but there is something familiar about her. Something that Emily recognizes but can't put her finger on.
Only later will she realize that Elle couldn't keep her eyes off of JJ, either.
—
If you'd asked Emily at any point over the last twenty years who Elle Greenaway was, all she could say was that the woman was a disgraced agent, a ghost, a name buried in a file. In fact, Emily doesn't think of Agent Greenaway at all. Or, at least, she didn't—not until she waltzes back into JJ's life and stays.
At first, Emily doesn't notice anything different. Maybe it's their case load, or just the delusion that JJ is a finite creature who will stay exactly how Emily sees her. Besides, it starts innocuously enough: like a conversation overheard between JJ and Penelope in the kitchen, tossing around plans to get together with Elle again. It's nothing out of the ordinary, Emily tells herself; after all, the two of them had known her before, so of course they'd want to catch up. Elle Greenaway is none of her concern.
That is until Emily walks into the briefing room one morning and catches JJ reading something on her phone, a soft smile on her face. "What's that?" Emily asks, trying hard to sound casual as she shuffles for the case file she needs.
"Oh," JJ says, clearly caught off guard. Her cheeks are noticeably pinker than they were a moment ago, and she locks her phone before setting it back on the table. "It's nothing." She takes the offered file from Emily and slips back into work-mode with ease. But Emily is nothing if not a profiler, so she waits. Waits until the team is gathered and going over victimology, until JJ is so focused on finding a connection between them that she doesn't look when her phone pings again.
It's only Emily that sees Elle's name attached to the incoming message, and her stomach plummets. It doesn't matter that she can't read what the message says—the name is enough. And that smile…JJ used to look at Emily like that, once. Before Section Chief Prentiss, before BAUgate. But Emily could have sworn things were better between them now, that JJ was coming back to her.
After that, she starts paying attention.
JJ never was much of a texter, but now her phone always seems to be in hand. Elle's name is more present in casual conversation—by the sounds of things, Penelope and Tara are talking to her too. It's clear to Emily that whatever happened twenty years ago has been healed over, and that at the very least Elle has made amends in her friendships. It's a good thing, Emily tells herself. No need to let old wounds fester.
Then, as if a switch had been flipped, Elle is everywhere. Just like Rebecca, Elle becomes a standing invitee to their nights out, especially if it's a queer scene. Though it's obvious that Elle has made friends with other members of the team, she spends most of her time with JJ. Like a moth to a flame, Elle is never far from JJ, a magnetism that seems to go both ways. And each time Emily sees them together, she feels a little more on the outside. It isn't that Elle hasn't tried to befriend her too—she certainly has. But Emily Prentiss is a jealous creature, so she's done what she does best: pulled away. So, really, she can't blame anyone but herself as night by night she watches the two of them circle closer.
And JJ…JJ seems lighter. Happier. She smiles easier, laughs louder. It throws Emily off in a way she didn't expect. She can't control who JJ's friends are, and for a little while, Emily convinces herself that's all it is. Of course she is jealous, but not because Elle is trying to woo JJ. She simply hasn't seen JJ with a new friend in years, and Emily is used to that spot being hers. She'll get used to it, she tells herself. They'll fold Elle into their friend group permanently (or they won't) and everything will go back to normal. Once Elle stops being the new, shiny thing in JJ's life, there will be room for Emily once again.
Yet, on the next night Tara finds her smoking on the roof, she says, "If you're gonna make a move, Prentiss, you better do it fast. I think your window is closing."
Emily chokes on the smoke, unable to look Tara in the eye. "What are you talking about?"
"You know exactly what I'm talking about." Tara takes a drag, sighs it out. "Just because you haven't told anyone about your feelings for JJ doesn't mean they aren't painfully obvious to everyone. Except to her, I guess, which is part of your problem. But she and Elle have been talking—a lot. I'm pretty sure they hang out just the two of them. And yeah, they were friends before, they're friends now, but I spend a lot of time around queer women. JJ hasn't said anything yet, but…I can see it. And frankly, I like Elle, so I'm not gonna chase her away. I think she'd be good for JJ. But I know you too, Emily. I see the way you look at her."
A clump of ash falls from Emily's cigarette and she watches until it hits the gravel. Not for the first time she asks herself, What does JJ see in her? But she doesn't have to ask Tara to know the answer—or at least the outlines of one. There's history there, not unlike what Emily and JJ share, but it is noticeably different in that it lacks the weight. The JJ that Elle sees is one without Afghanistan, without Paris, without BAUgate. No matter how much of her trauma JJ decides to share, the truth is that Elle didn't let those things happen to her. She isn't responsible in the way that Emily is, even if some of it was out of her control. And doesn't JJ deserve that? To be loved by someone who doesn't hurt her? Who isn't afraid to be honest with what she wants?
"You're doing that thing again," Tara says. "Talking yourself out of it."
Emily sighs. "So what?" It's harsher than she intended. "After she came out, I thought I might actually have a chance. That I wouldn't fuck it up like I did the first time, telling her to go for Will instead."
"No, you thought that she'd realize that she was in love with you the whole time, so you wouldn't have to do any of the work. You didn't think someone else might have feelings for her too, or that she could fall for someone that isn't you." That stings, and it hits Emily like a slap. But it's true. Emily finally meets Tara's unrelenting gaze and tries not to flinch. "I'm not saying you could've anticipated Elle. But Jesus Christ, Emily, nothing is going to happen if you don't do something."
"I know," Emily admits, so quiet it's barely there. "I thought I'd have more time."
"You've had twenty years," Tara says softly. The silence stretches between them, loud with what Emily can only imagine is her friend's disappointment. Eventually Tara sighs and stubs her cigarette out beneath her boot. "Listen. We're all going out this weekend—kind of a last hurrah before the wedding. The whole team will be there, plus some of Bex's friends. I've invited Elle too. So…speak now or forever hold your peace, or whatever they say."
Then Emily is alone again, left with the sudden fear that after everything, she still might be too late.
—
The party ends up being at Dave's place, which is convenient for everyone's wallet and their ability to get drunk without consequence. Emily is, as usual, slightly late, despite having ducked out of her last meeting early so she had time to get ready. Things are in full swing by the time she arrives, so she dutifully begins making the rounds before she inevitably ends up in a corner somewhere with a glass of wine. Tara and Rebecca are easy to find: both dressed in white, looking gorgeous and happy and surrounded by laughter. Emily acquires a drink sometime between thanking Dave for hosting and encountering Penelope on the porch, who is a little too close to Luke to be considered professional, but Emily can't be bothered.
"There's our fearless leader!" Penelope cheers, wrapping Emily in a one-armed hug. "I'm so glad you're here! The boys will be thrilled to see you."
"The boys?" echoes Emily. She's already seen all the men on their team and there's no way JJ's kids are here, and her male acquaintances outside of them are minimal.
Penelope gestures out onto the lawn, lit by a combination of the setting sun and the string lights Dave has put out. "Derek and Spencer!" she says, just as Emily's gaze finds the group of people in question. "Rebecca invited them both as a surprise for Tara, which is so sweet."
The sentiment is, admittedly, rapidly lost on Emily as she takes in the scene. Her initial excitement over seeing two of her former teammates is heightened when she sees that JJ is with them, and just as quickly dashed when she recognizes the fourth person as none other than Elle Greenaway. Despite the very logical explanation that Elle was their teammate too, and this is also their first time seeing in her in decades, the now-familiar jealousy spikes through Emily again.
"It'll be good to see them," she says instead, swallowing the feeling down along with her wine. "I was wondering why I hadn't seen JJ yet."
"She and Elle got here a little before you did," Penelope explains, oblivious to the way Emily's expression tightens at the implications of her words. "I can only imagine how much of a ribbing Elle's getting from Derek; I mean, after all these years, he has to be getting a kick out of this."
Her next inhale gets caught in her chest. Out in the yard, the group laughs at something Derek says, and Emily watches as JJ's laughter brings her further into Elle's orbit. The two of them like this, combined with Penelope's offhand comment, presents a nauseating picture. This isn't just JJ and Elle, two friends at a party together. This is JJ-and-Elle, a unit. Emily swallows, worries her lip between her teeth. The question sours in her mouth as she asks, "What do you mean, Garcia?"
"Come on, don't tell me you don't see it! I mean, I don't think either of them has made a move yet, but it's only a matter of time. Derek used to be Elle's wingman back in the day, but she was a one-night-only type of girl back then. There's no way he isn't having the time of his life seeing her all starry-eyed over someone—especially when it's JJ."
…Ah.
Emily bites the inside of her cheek so hard she tastes blood. Part of her had hoped that Tara was wrong, but there's no denying the truth of the situation now. She watches as Elle leans in to whisper something in JJ's ear, as JJ rests her hand on Elle's arm like it's habit. They dissolve into laughter together, and JJ's face is bright with an emotion that Emily can't name. She knows what it is, of course, but she's never seen JJ express it before. Certainly not with Emily. Never even with Will.
She walks back inside before she does something stupid like cry.
Eventually Derek and Spencer do find her, and much to her relief they're on their own. It is nice to catch up with them—so nice that she's able to forget her woes for a while. She lets Derek coax her back into the swing of the party with only a little alcoholic bribery. There are enough people around that her avoidance isn't obvious, sticking close to Dave or Derek whenever she can. Only once does she hear herself being asked after: as Emily approaches the kitchen, JJ asks Penelope, "Hey, have you seen Emily? I feel like I keep missing her." There is a moment where Emily contemplates slipping past unnoticed, but then Tara's warning echoes in her head.
So…speak now or forever hold your peace, or whatever they say. Twenty years of memories flash through her mind. JJ's voice on the jet, whispering, You, kids? I can see it. Those dark, cold nights in Paris, when Emily couldn't sleep and JJ was never more than an arm's-length away. The two of them high in Penelope's apartment, the weight of it gives me you hanging between them. All of these moments when Emily could have said something, anything, but didn't. Could Emily live with herself if, after all this time, she just lets someone else swoop in? No, she decides. For once in her life, she'll be brave. She plasters on a smile and walks into the kitchen.
"Oh, hey! I was wondering where you got off to. I feel like I've been stuck to Derek all night."
JJ, perched on the countertop, brightens when she sees Emily, and Emily feels her shoulders unravel. "Well, tell our irresistible Derek Morgan that you're my best friend, and he can go find his own." The comment draws a genuine laugh from Emily's chest, warming her from the inside out. She settles against the island beside Penelope, and JJ reaches out her leg to poke Emily with her foot. "Did everything go okay in that director meeting?"
Emily frowns slightly. "Yeah, it was fine. Just the usual bureaucratic bullshit."
"Oh, good. You just seemed a little down, that's all." Seemingly reassured, JJ lets the matter drop, turning her attention back to Penelope as she exclaims, Oh! I've been meaning to tell you two… Emily, though, is only half listening. A small bit of guilt squirms in her chest, knowing that JJ had noticed her sulking. But she doesn't let herself focus on it. She has to figure out a way to get JJ alone, and quickly.
The solution presents itself momentarily. "Hey, Garcia?" It's Tara, her body half through the door. "Can I steal you for a sec?"
"Of course!" she says, setting down her glass and brushing off her skirt. "I'll be right back, ladies."
As Tara ushers Penelope into the hallway, Emily catches her gaze just long enough to see the flick of her eyebrow, the intentional way she glances at JJ and back. She answers with a minute nod and turns back to JJ, her heart thundering in her chest.
They haven't been alone together for more than a few minutes in months, not since Emily stopped coming around the house all the time. The words she's imagined saying a hundred times tingle on her lips: So, JJ, there's something I've been meaning to tell you…
But, as usual, JJ gets there first. "Okay Em, I need your advice. And please, please do not laugh at me."
"Oh boy," Emily says, already fighting a smile despite her nerves. "I'll do my best."
JJ levels a playful glare at her before she shifts, tucking her legs up to cross them beneath her. Exhaling, she says, "You have much more experience with this than I do. I…have developed feelings for someone. A woman." A deep blush races across her cheeks, and Emily's stomach swoops.
"Okay, yeah, been there," she manages, hoping she doesn't sound as strangled as she feels. Logically, she knows she should ask who, but she isn't sure she can handle the answer. The hypothetical is safer.
JJ chews her lip for a moment. "How do I tell her? Should I tell her?"
You are totally asking the wrong person, Emily thinks, though the ironic tone sounds more like Tara than herself. "Well…why aren't you sure? It sounds like you're sure of your feelings, at least."
"I am," JJ says, and her eyes drop to her lap as she smiles. "It's just…we're friends. We've been friends for a long time, and I don't want to ruin things. I'm so out of practice with this. You get married once and you don't think you'll ever have to deal with crushes again." Her fingers pick at the rolled cuff of her jeans. "I have…maybe heard whispers that this person feels the same, but I'm scared of being wrong. I want it too much."
Emily's heart beats so hard against her ribs, it's a miracle JJ can't hear it. Are they really having this conversation, or is Emily dreaming? We've been friends for a long time. This can't be about Elle, can it? They didn't talk for twenty years. And all these words JJ is saying…it's exactly how Emily feels. It's everything she hasn't been able to say, hypothetical or not.
"I know exactly what that's like," she says, and JJ's gaze jumps back to her own. "Only I never said anything. I never got over the fear that I'd be ruining something."
"Do you regret it?" JJ asks quietly. "Not saying anything?"
The words are barely a whisper: "Yes. All the time."
"Could you try again?" The question jars Emily, hitting her like a spotlight. It must be obvious, for JJ immediately backtracks. "Sorry, I didn't mean to…just, is there still a chance things could work out? Better timing, this time."
Timing, huh? Her own words echo in her head. She had been too early for JJ, before. But now…
Her lips part, the admission hanging: It was you, JJ. It still is. Mere feet away, JJ watches, her eyes wide and waiting. Emily's mouth doesn't feel like her own when she asks, "What if it was you?"
"If I had a second chance to go after the thing I wanted?"
No. No no no. But the misunderstanding has frozen Emily. Her breath comes too shallow. Her body, just moments ago buzzing with anxiety, has dropped away from her, like freefall.
JJ's gaze wanders, as if she's listening for something amidst the noise of the party. When she looks back, there's a new confidence behind her eyes. She smiles as she says, "I guess I'd tell her. Thanks, Emily." In one smooth motion, she unfolds from her position and hops off the counter, and she's by the door before Emily can move. But at the threshold, JJ turns back. "You should too."
There is a beat of silence—but before Emily can find her voice again, JJ turns away. Gone.
"Fuck," Emily says aloud, the word strangled with emotion. How could she have whiffed everything so badly? She can't leave things hanging like this. Not this time.
So she follows. She traces JJ's path back through the house, out onto the porch. The light outside is muted now, romantic. It takes her a minute to find JJ's blonde hair in the semi-dark, but she hasn't gotten far. Emily takes two quick steps, JJ's name already forming on her lips. Then—
"Elle!"
Emily's pace stutters, then stops. Close enough to call but too far to intervene, Emily can only watch as JJ approaches the group of BAU agents past and present. As Elle turns at the sound of her name, a smile brightening her face. As JJ brushes past Penelope and Derek and all the others.
As JJ takes Elle's face in both her hands, momentum fusing their bodies together, and kisses her.
A cheer goes up from the assembled agents, but it's fuzzy in Emily's ears. Elle's hands are on JJ's waist, tangled in the hem of her shirt. When they break apart, their smiles are enough to light the whole yard.
"Atta girl," Derek whistles. "Damn, JJ, I didn't know you had that in you."
"Fuck off," she says, her laughter breaking through.
Elle flips Derek off before wrapping her arms tighter around JJ and holding her close. Nestled against Elle like that, JJ has never looked happier. Her eyes glitter in the string lights' glow, and when Elle looks at her, it's as if no one else is watching.
The tears are on Emily's cheeks before she realizes they've started, and with a sharp ache in her chest, she turns to go.
—
It's only after she's arrived home and gotten drunker that the pieces start to click together. JJ had started running from herself long before she met Emily. Just because they had danced around something doesn't mean that Emily was the first to make JJ question things. And that night at the bar—the way that Elle had looked at JJ. The way she couldn't stop looking at JJ. That was the thing that had felt so familiar: like recognizing like. And could Emily blame her? Who wouldn't fall in love with Jennifer Jareau?
Emily wants to forget. She wants to forget everything she's seen tonight, along with her desperate failure to confess twenty years of feelings. But no matter how hard she tries, Emily can't get JJ's voice out of her head. All those things she said that gave Emily hope that she might be able to feel the same, that hinted at JJ seeing her as something more than just a friend. This job takes, a lot. But you know what it gives? It gives me you.
But it had given her Elle, too.
—
She's still awake when the text from Tara comes through: I'm sorry, Emily.
There isn't anything she can say to that. She can't tell Tara that she couldn't get the words out; that, when JJ ran to Elle on what was, arguably, Emily's advice, she had no idea that Emily loved her. Loves her. And now she never will.
—
The weeks until Tara and Rebecca's wedding pass in a haze. Emily does what Emily Prentiss does best: she throws herself into her work, ignoring most of her social obligations under the guise of responsibility. It doesn't completely block out the pain—she is still witness to JJ's joy, still sees the two of them together more often than she'd like—but she can numb herself to it. If anyone other than Tara notices that she's pulled away, they don't confront her, which is a significant, if guilty, relief.
But on the day of the wedding, Emily pulls herself together. In her dress, with her hair and makeup done, she at least looks like she's ready for anything. She'll take whatever confidence boost she can get, at this point.
The one thing she doesn't have to fake is her happiness for Tara and Rebecca. Their eyes never leave the other during the entire ceremony, emanating love and joy out of their very beings. During their vows, Emily doesn't see a dry eye in the room—herself included. As the evening morphs from the ceremony into the reception, Emily finally lets herself get lost in it. She hugs both Tara and Rebecca as soon as she gets the chance, congratulating them and meaning it. She mingles with her team, her family, and doesn't choke on the words when she tells JJ how beautiful she looks. After a drink or two, Emily even manages a remarkably pleasant conversation with Elle and Derek, where she laughs more than she means to but thinks it might be okay.
When the music slows, Elle excuses herself, and she migrates to JJ's side with an ease that Emily envies. It really is as though those twenty years of absence never happened between them. The realization doesn't hurt as Emily expected; rather, it settles in her ribs like a bruise, only there when she prods at it. In a world where she made better choices, maybe she could've erased some of that distance between her and JJ, too. But that isn't the world she lives in.
She's almost forgotten Derek's presence beside her until he suddenly speaks. "I heard about you and JJ. It must be tough, seeing her with someone else again."
"Yeah, well." She shrugs, as if she can push off the conversation. "What can you do."
"Still, I'm sorry it didn't work out."
Emily sighs from somewhere deep in her chest. Across the room, JJ sways in Elle's arms, absentmindedly twirling a lock of Elle's hair around her finger as they talk and giggle in low tones. A whole world unto themselves. "I don't need your pity, Morgan. I was just never in JJ's cards. That's all."
"Maybe," he says, gentle in a way she doesn't know how to handle. "Or maybe Elle just got the timing right. But what I do know is that you're JJ's best friend, and if you want to stay in her life, you're gonna have to show up for her, no matter how you feel about Elle. After everything she's been through, she deserves this happiness."
"I know," Emily whispers. "I know."
It won't be the first time that Emily lets JJ go. She's loved her enough to leave many, many times. But as she watches JJ tuck her head against Elle's shoulder, as Elle presses her lips to JJ's hair, Emily knows it has to be different, this time. She's run this circuit enough. But Derek is right—she does want to stay in JJ's life. She doesn't have all the answers right now. All she does know is that, from here on out, she'll have to love JJ enough to stay.