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At 13, she was often occupied by books, her eyes follow the words as if they hold much truth, maybe they once did - but not anymore. Not after the world had become so dark and violent, the thought of love, parties, gatherings and long term friendship never felt real to her. Any time she was able, she stuck her nose into a new story, the words in it always so uncharacteristic to herself and her own reality - it was intriguing to her to try and put herself in the shoes of the protagonist, to paint pictures and scenes in her head of easier times.
Though she could only imagine how bright and lovely it all must have felt, to not worry about keeping your guard up and your voice low. Books were the only real escape to that, to put herself in a reality that isn't her own. It wasn't easy by any means to find time to read - at least not without facing scrutiny by her peers more than she already did on the daily. When it got dark, after her bunkmate fell asleep, she'd perch by the window and use the moonlight to delve into these small realities again.
This tradition had been years long, lasted between boarding schools. But after awhile the same books she had been reading fell flat - they felt boring, predictable and all the same ending of 'he gets the girl' and everything is all happily ever after. So next time, she traveled deeper into the library, she found a book - thicker and with a hard cover, so that must mean serious and mature. As she checks it out she fidgets with her hands, as if the librarian is going to tell her she isn't allowed to read a book like this - but of course, she didn't even care a little bit and gave the book back to Ellie, plainly telling her to have it back by the end of next month.
that night as the moon and city lights cast over her, she began reading the book. She'd never been able to see the characters more clearly, to paint the picture as well as this book let her. Every line felt like its own small poem - holding impact through pages and chapters even with one small word. In the third chapter, the main character meets who Ellie can only assume is the love interest. Her name is Adelaide and there is almost an entire page dedicated to describing her delicate beauty.
She reads the page, appreciating the description, how she can picture Adelaide so clearly in her head. But as the description goes on something sticks out to her, something odd. When the author wrote of Adelaide's eyes, he described them as "Like a Deer." Ellie feels an irk in her chest, she raises an eyebrow, why a deer? don't people kill deer? she hasn't ever seen one, but the comparison doesn't seem like a good thing at all, why would you want to compare someone to something so skittish and easily killed? After brief consideration, she chalks it up to being from a different time - before the world went to shit.
***
the sound of the arrow stings her ears, she's learned a lot now at 14 - now she's constantly on the move, right now stuck in Colorado. She has someone she's close to - His name his Joel. He's gruff and old, but once you get to know the guy he's actually pretty cool. Well, when he's not injured and relying on Ellie to keep him at least half living he's pretty good company for sure. Ellie knows how to hold her own now, at least better than she had before. She looks into the distance, watching as the deer flees down the snow covered hill, leaving a path of blood in its wake. She takes off after it, determined to kill this thing and take it back home so she can feed the both of them.
The wind whips around her face, blowing the overgrown bangs she desperately needs to cut into her vision. She curses, but with no free hands to push it back- she keeps her head down and continues to follow the trail of blood. The wind pinches at her cheeks and bites at her fingers, she'd let exhaustion overcome her right now if she could - but she won't, she can't. Right now, there is nothing more important to her than getting this deer, bringing it back to Joel.. maybe it'll help him feel better.
She stumbles over the uneven ground hidden under the inches of snow, the deer is out of sight, but thankfully the trail of blood is still evident in contrast to the thick snow. She strides through it, running as quickly as she can as her shoes sink into the ground. The deer has turned a corner, now out of sight. Ellie barely clears a fence as she continues to barrel towards it as fast as she is able to. She finds something that she assumes is supposed to be a path and follows it, she's lead to a broken down cottage that sends anxiety into the pits of her stomach.
She lets a shaky breath out, closing her eyes and willing herself to continue following this blood made path. Half the time she doesn't think about it - but when she meets these kinds of surroundings she's forced to remember she's out here alone, in an unfamiliar environment as a 14 year old girl. She wills the anxiety away, its fine, she can handle herself, she's gonna kill this deer and get back. Then they'll be fed for a few days before she needs to go back out.
She slows down her pace, keeping her guard up and her bow drawn, padding through the snow. Her breath billows in front of her face, she shudders at the eerie feeling this is all giving her. She creeps around the corner, she spots it - the deer. The life is fleeting from its eyes, its twisted limbs twitching in its final moments. She looks down at in during its final moments, meeting its soft brown eyes with her. Pleading and beautiful in its final moments, its eyelashes flutter as it takes its final breath and finally goes limp. She's familiar with this by now, she watches slowly as every ounce of soul leaves its body, its eyes looking dull and marbleized.
She stares down at it, innocence gone in death - disconnected by life. In the moment of silence, with her feet numbing into the cold, her fingers red and bitten by the snow. She thinks of Adelaide again - how the author had described her eyes are doe-like, it was weird then, stomach turning now. She puts her bow back over her shoulder, maybe her mind is different than that of a man or maybe it was just a different time.
Though it doesn't quite matter, comparison is often exaggerated and untrue. Adelaide isn't real, and especially now everyone's eyes are hollow and soulless despite the life that continues to thrive inside of them. No more of this. She hears Joel's voice in her head, "no time to dwell on that, its over" So she grabs the antlers and tugs.
* * *
At 15 years old she's moved to a settlement, a fraction of peace in all of the chaos. There's not much she can do to help out combat-wise, as much as she begs and pleads for just a sliver of the action. She's assigned to the greenhouses of all things - she huffs and puffs over digging through soil, planting seed and fertilizer. She's pretty sure she's never wanted to do anything less. But over and over she sits and does this twice a week, could she ask for a new assignment? oh for sure, but she just can't bring herself to do it.
As she's kneeled on the ground elbow deep in fertilizer, she catches something in her periphery. The bouncing black curls that have come ever so familiar to her, this time pulled up into a ponytail. Exposing the tussled collar of the flannel she's wearing - Ellies flannel which shes paired with her worn Levis and work boots. The mere concept of this has Ellie's heart pounding uncomfortably in her chest, this being her reality just means she's absolutely done for.
Ellie lets out a long breath, just glad the girls shift is over and she can finish fertilizing these useless plants in peace. She goes back into auto-pilot, trying to forget about her friend. until she feels someone plop down next to her. The familiar scent of Oat and Hyacinth beginning to loom around her.
"Hi Ellie, sorry i had to go grab more seeds."
Dina tells her, Ellie looks up at the girl who had quickly busied herself with some kind of seed sorting that seemed more like a problem than a solution. Ellie continues with the soil, receiving a jesting side eye from the girl next to her - she quickly pulls her arms back and smiles awkwardly. which receives a laugh that is disgustingly charming. "here," she tosses her a package of mixed seeds. "Get me the sunflower ones." Ellie fumbles with the package, this may as well be a foreign language. "uh, i dont-" she starts, before she's cut off "The big ones, cant miss 'em." Ellie nods, right, right obviously, duh.
She begins to sort through the seeds, picking out the ones that are allegedly sunflower. Her pile is conveniently on the table next to them, so every time she puts a few up there she gets a glimpse of her friend. Shes wearing a lace lined tank top and a necklace with the outfit, separating herself from everyone else in their Southwestern town. Honestly, it was enough to make her sick. Though the task is monotonous as the greenhouse usually finds her feeling, having this company makes it easier, and more enjoyable then she'd like to admit.
The minutes go by quickly as they finally begin a steady conversation, Ellie continuing to sort the seeds, now standing at the table and putting them into piles of "looks similar." After one particular jab, Ellie looks down at Dina in mock offense - meeting her eyes directly for the first time in the few weeks she's gotten to know her.
It lingers, loathingly, Ellie is taken into these eyes, forced to revel in their depth. They're brown, but not hazel - not plain either, The different hues of brown swirl through her iris like Joel's morning coffee. Her long thick eyelashes bat up at her like a personal attack, each flutter like the swat of a cats paw. They're deceptively round, innocent and lively, full of life you never get to see anymore. Under them are hundreds of freckles, dozens of moles - markings that set her apart even further from their peers, standing out on her face stunningly. She's brought back to the months prior - the deer, the arrow, and the shudder of death. Every feeling and memory brought back through her eyes, lively with life that hasn't yet threatened to fade.
Its sudden, how she thinks of that book again - that character, Adelaide? her impossibly doe like eyes Ellie had foolishly thought could only be fantasy were now sitting here in front of her, watching and observing her every move. Its not a fairytale moment with a heart beating faster - the string of thoughts is enough to pale her face and make her legs feel weak. She nods along to whatever she's saying, the blood rushing past her ears making it impossible to focus on the light hearted, playful conversation. Steadying herself with the aluminum, she slowly sinks back to the floor - sitting next to the girl.
The sudden shift in her energy doesn't go unnoticed, she leans forward and tucks Ellie's overgrown bangs behind her ears, her soft voiced piercing through the barrier of thoughts her brain had formed.
"Hey, lets.. get outta here - to Joel's house, yeah?"
Ellie nods, feeling her hand grabbed as she's tugged forward and out of the room. The thoughts run circles through her skull, Adelaide, the deer, Dina, all connected by those eyes. Adelaide's she couldn't imagine, the deers she'd drained the life out of herself - and Dina, the one holding her trembling hand and dragging her back home.
If there's one thing she can do right this time, or even in this entire world - she'd protect Dina with everything, her life, her soul, her being all a manifestation of Ellie's own personal nightmare. None the less she's drawn to it, defensive of it, dedicated to something she isn't sure the cause of yet. No matter the conclusion, she knows one thing - you never want to be the prey.
* * *
The arrow stings again, the buck collides with the muddy dirt beneath its feet in one shot of the bow, she looks down at it with tired eyes, worn from months of exhaustion. She's older now, 19, her frame more muscular and lean than before.
There's no time in the day to sit there and stare at the thing - she needs to get home so they can have dinner before sunset. She grabs it by the antlers and drags it back through the woods, its unfortunate she wont get to hunt for the next coming days because of a soon due rainstorm. But at least they're fed. despite the need for urgency, she's slow on the way back to the farm, breathing in the pine of the woods surrounding her, the faint smell of the wet dirt and wild animal.
Its unusually comforting, connecting her to something she feels so far removed from - Joel. The first time she'd been in the woods was with him, his muscular frame providing her an odd sense of comfort despite the fact that he couldn't bring himself to say her name at the time. Back then, the only way she could describe being in the woods was "absence of city and dry rot" but now she's expanded her experiences.
The sound of raindrops falling from the trees and onto the damp dirt almost soothes her forever tense demeanor. After Joel died, everything changed - but the smell of the woods always stayed the same. She trudges on, eventually reaching the gate to their small broken down farm, its pathetic but its their own space and property. She drags the buck through tall grass, her pale skin blending in with the yellowing prairie. She steps slowly there too, despite the prior rush to get home and get this thing chopped up.
Almost regrettably she finally makes it back - she throws the buck up onto the bloodstained wooden table she uses to dismantle the unfortunate creatures. She grabs the axe, accidentally looking into the bucks eyes. Her chest tightens as she sees the round, brown, lifeless eyes that have continued to haunt her through these years. irritation grows in her chest, she's used to this, she's over this - it doesn't matter anymore because she's grown up, she knows the difference between person and prey.
But all the same her breath hitches in her chest and her eyebrows knit together. Her axe separates the head from the body before she makes her way back inside, letting out a breath as she see's Dina peacefully embroidering on the couch. She lets out a shuddered breath, coming up behind her and peering at the project.
"hey." She mutters, swallowing any emotion behind it.
Dina gaze doesn't waver from its focus, "Hi baby, you get anything?" Ellie busies her hands with the long dark curls, "buck." she manages, pathetically it's almost a squeak. She feels Dina perk up, knowing all too well how to deal with Ellie when she gets these types of moods.
She turns back to her, the freckles and moles on her face hig
highlighted in the now setting sun illuminating from the windows "Baby's upstairs, I'm sure he'll want your company," she smiles softly, her large brown eyes give her a pitying, knowing look.
Ellie tears her gaze away, managing half a nod - steering herself upstairs, her muscles tense and quivering. She approaches the crib, their small baby lying their in the midst of his nap. The feeling in Ellies chest softens a bit, a weak smile spreading across her gruff face. What a sweet, perfect, innocent little thing.
She places her scarred, bony hand on his chest, feeling the rise and fall of his breathing. She stays there for awhile, minutes moving like hours - time dragging on in silence, but she'd stay here forever if it meant this peace wasn't fleeting. Eventually he stirs, whining and squirming. Ellie hoists him into her arms he just nearly misses her short, choppy bangs in the tussle, but eventually she gets him settled onto her chest.
Forcing deep breaths because she's convinced he knows by the pattern of her breathing when something is amiss. They stay like that for a moment, he's calm, looking up at Ellie like she's the most valuable thing that's ever walked this planet. She stares back down at him, the wide, round brown eyes are maybe the only thing he inherited from Dina - they don't scare or worry her this time, she still feels that fierce protectiveness but this time it's almost bittersweet.
His gaze is unwavering, the brown in his eyes reminding her of the tree bark surrounding their small farm. Her heart swells, though he can't take away any of the longing, hurt, fear or loneliness she'd ever felt - she could vow not to let that happen to him, which soothes her constantly racing thoughts just a tad.
She decides to entertain the both of them, grabbing a small book off the shelf - cardboard and consisting of ten pages total, but we all start somewhere right? She settles him on her lap, one hand continuing to hold him as she holds the book in the other, the book is titled "The fawn and the fox." Ellie smiles at the title, opening the first page to the fawn, its cartoonish eyes staring right out to the both of them, the brown hues illuminated only by stars, moon and night sky.