Chapter Text
It was nighttime, and yet it was oddly warm as Izuku walked up the dirt mountain path. The sun had gone down hours ago, but the heat lingered, making him sweat more with every step. It really didn’t help to soothe the stinging mark on his cheek, either. Mom hadn’t been happy to hear that his grades had dipped yet again, and there’s no way she would’ve believed that the teachers were harsher on him. She always just thought he was the worse child, the weaker child, the one destined to be nothing in comparison to his brother.
So that’s why his face stung, and partly why he was trudging up this mountain in the dead of night. Kacchan was the other reason, of course, but his insults and violence weren’t enough on their own to lead Izuku to take this trip.
He looked up at the moon, glowing brightly ahead of him. He was already halfway up the slope, so he was making good time. Not like anyone was going to come look for him, but he’d rather get this over with quickly. It would be better for everyone if he could only stop being a coward and jump. No one wanted him around anyways.
He had decided a couple days ago that the cliffs near his home would be a good place to kill himself, but he hadn’t mustered up the courage until now. He could’ve just hung himself, but he was too afraid of death hurting to go that route. He also didn’t have access to any guns, and a knife would hurt all the same. The only reason he was taking the trek up this cliff at all was because he couldn’t get access to the roof of a building high enough to die on impact. All the ones he checked were locked. And so, the cliff was the best course of action. He just had to hope the underbrush didn’t cushion the fall.
…This walk sure is long. And hot. It’s about now that Izuku lamented not bringing anything to drink. He wasn’t expecting to come back from this, but some water would be nice right about now.
~☆~
He was nearing the top of the mountain now. Maybe ‘mountain’ was exaggerating a bit, now that he thought about it. It’d been a while since his last visit, so it felt a lot more daunting then, but it was just a big cliff. Made for a nice lookout, maybe somewhere to sit with someone you love and look out at the city. Not that he had anyone like that. Not since the diagnosis. At least the soft melody drifting along the wind gave the place a good ambiance for his death.
…
…
Hm..?
Izuku stopped close to the lookout and glanced around. The people who owned the cliff didn’t let anyone come in with electronics. Said it ruined the experience, or something. It’s why he left his phone at home for the night. Even if the guard in front of the gate had gone home for the night, he didn’t want to break the rules, since he didn’t want to mess anything else up for someone else tonight. But he could still hear music coming from further up the path. It was almost hypnotic, and he couldn’t help but walk quietly towards the outcropping, just to know what was happening.
As he reached the source, he stopped in place, ducking behind a tree. There really was someone here! It was a woman, tall with dark black hair and two horns, although one of them was broken. Her clothes were odd, enough to make Izuku think she might be a Pro, but he would have recognized her if so. He knew every hero around Musutafu and then some, even the ones that only came out at night. Maybe him going out so late was the reason his grades were dropping… Maybe if he stopped watching heroes every night, Mom wouldn’t hit him as hard…
Her voice snapped him back to reality. Yeah, there was someone he didn’t recognize, but more importantly, there was someone HERE. What awful timing, he’d have to wait for her to leave, and he’d just have to sit and hide, absorbed in his thoughts. He was hoping to get this over with quickly so there wouldn’t be any time to doubt his choice, but now…
Well, at least her voice was soothing. He sat down, back against the tree, and closed his eyes, letting her song wash over him. Today had gone so wrong from beginning to end, but a little bit of happiness before his end would calm his nerves. It helped that her song reminded him of what Mom used to sing to him before bed. Before… before everything went wrong. It was a reminder of what he could’ve had, what his brother does have. A reminder of his ambitions, dreams ripped out of reach by an unlucky fate.
It was a song of hope, hope to be freed from the chains of fate that brought him here, and bound him to a dim future.
…In a sense, death really is freedom from fate. But there’s nothing to hope for after you’re gone.
…
Tears trickled down his cheek, but the bruise didn’t sting as much anymore, reduced to a dull throb.
But the comfort was hollow. Words alone can’t fix the mess that is his life. How is a song supposed to help him achieve what he’s always chased?
He didn’t know how long the woman was going to stay for, but if her voice could have this much of an effect on him… maybe she would have the answer he’s been looking for. The answer no one else could give him. He just needed to have hope one more time.
So he got up, despite the tears, and the fear that he would have his dream ripped up yet again. Because this is how he always was, and always would be until the end. Forever chasing a fantasy, hoping that just one person would validate him.
Of course, that doesn’t mean he didn’t hesitate. His voice was dry, the hot air stopping the words in his throat. He didn’t know where to begin, how to reach out to someone new and ask them something like this.
But she turned around anyway. He wasn’t particularly subtle when he stepped into the clearing, and he had stepped on a crunchy leaf…
“Oh, hello there~ I didn’t realize I had an audience!” The woman looked awfully excited for someone who had been interrupted in the middle of her performance. “It’s been so long since I’ve had someone come to listen~!”
“A-ah, yeah… Your voice is beautiful…"
“Oh! Well, thank you very much~ Most of my audiences before now have been much… quieter, so it’s not often I get compliments like these!”
The woman rushed up to Izuku, and he flinched back instinctively, but when he felt her gloved hands holding his own, he slowly relaxed. It was… gentle, and soft. Much more comforting than Kacchan’s explosive grasp, or his mother’s stinging slaps. He slowly opened his eyes, no longer flinching in fear, and looked into her eyes, which looked so full of excitement.
“Thank you… It’s been a while since I’ve been complimented too… B-but that’s, ugh… Can I ask you something..?”
“...Of course you can, as long as I can ask you something in return.”
Izuku sucked in a breath. He wasn’t expecting to get this far. Most people turned him down the moment they found out what he was. But…she didn’t know yet. He’d have to tell her if he wanted a real answer, but he was scared. His hands began to tremble, he could feel beads of sweat run down his neck. But he felt her hands once again, pressing down against his, rubbing his fingers, but carefully avoiding the burn marks, so as to not hurt him.
Yeah… maybe this time will be different.
“Can someone like me… Someone… who’s quirkless, really become a hero? Someone who can shine, who people will look to when they’re in need?”
The woman’s gaze faltered. It was just for a moment, but Izuku saw it. The look of pity that he saw in everyone else, or at least the people who didn’t hate his guts on principle. But she still responded, instead of holding her tongue like so many others.
“Of course you can be a hero… Everyone can be a hero in their own way! Even if-”
“But you don’t really believe in me… do you.” And the tears started to flow again. “I’ve heard this one before… but it doesn’t… doesn’t make me feel better at all. I-It’s hollow.”
Izuku pushed her hands away, and started towards the cliff. “I-I should finish what I came here to do… Now that I’m sure of the truth.”
The woman reached towards him, a look of panic he couldn’t see behind his back. “Wait, hold on-”
“NO, I’ve heard all I need to. There’s nothing else you could say to-”
“STOP.”
And Izuku stopped. The words weren’t particularly moving, they were just loud. But they burrowed through his ears into his brain, and locked his joints like they had rusted over in a blink. He couldn’t even open his mouth to argue back, just stuck staring over the edge, towards the fatal drop.
“I still need to ask you something. So you can’t leave until I have my answer. I… don’t think I could forgive myself if I let you leave.”
He still couldn’t move, but he could listen. Not that he had a choice, but he was used to that.
“...What is it, then.”
“Why are you up here?”
“...”
“...”
If he could stare at her, dumbfounded, he would’ve been doing it by now.
“Isn’t it obvious? W-Why are you wasting my time asking this when you know the answer already?”
She stayed silent, waiting.
“...I’m here to kill myself. There. Is that good enough for you? I don’t care if you can’t forgive yourself for letting me die, but I have to do this. There’s nothing left for me down there.”
“That can’t be right. There’s always something for everyone, no matter how small. You can’t give up, or else you’ll never find it.”
Izuku’s fist clenched, despite the tight grasp she had over his movements. “And what if there’s something? Maybe you’re right, but what does it matter what I find for me if it’s not what I really want out of life! I want to be a hero everyone looks up to, but clearly that’s not in the cards for me, so does it really matter what this ‘thing’ is, if it’s not going to make me happy?”
The woman’s voice was quickly becoming panicked, rushed. Like she was trying to get all her words out at once. Like he could even leave the grasp of her quirk.
“Izuku, if you just give up on finding that something, then you’ll never know if it’ll make you happy! You’ll never be able to find people who will lift you up, or things that you’re just as passionate about as you are about becoming a hero! You can’t just lay down and die…”
“YOU AREN’T ME. You haven’t gone through what I have, you don’t know how I- …wait.”
“Huh? D-Did I say something wrong..?”
“How do you know my name?”
“...ah.”
Her hold faltered, and Izuku whipped around.
“I-I never told you my name. Who are you? Why were you h-here at all…”
“...”
“Why aren’t you saying anything…”
Izuku took a step back, and the woman stepped forwards. Despite the heat, his sweat had gone cold. Was this someone who had been sent to ambush him? Plenty of the local quirk supremacists had done similar things before, but they didn’t beat around the bush and just beat him from the jump. Maybe she was a stalker, someone who wanted to keep him from killing himself so she could traffick him, or kill him herself, or keep him in a basement for the rest of-
“It’s because I’m you.”
What..?
The woman that had been standing before him was gone. He hadn’t even blinked, but it looked like she just… blipped out of existence.
Something was very wrong. His body felt heavy in all the wrong places, and he felt a sudden wave of nausea overtake him. Even if she was gone, he felt himself lock up again, but he looked down anyway. Not over the cliff, but at his own hands, ones which were flickering. One moment they looked burnt, scarred, and all too familiar, and the next they were concealed within thin black gloves. He could feel the fabric rub against his skin intermittently, before turning back to the rough, worn out skin that he was so used to.
The nausea proved stronger than the force holding him still, and he collapsed to the ground near the edge, losing consciousness on impact.
~☆~
It was bright white when he opened his eyes again. His body felt normal again, the weight was gone, but he still had to squint to adjust to the brightness. He let himself lie there and just breathe for a moment, trying to understand what was going on.
The blinding white scenery wasn’t actually hard to process for Izuku. Once he sat up, he remembered that he’d seen this many times before. It was a recurring dream, one he remembered from as far back as 5 years old. It was the only dream he could ever remember when waking up, the others would slip away from his memory but this one remained.
A large white void, with figures slowly moving around the space that got more blurry the harder you tried to focus on them. He always assumed that his memory had just been fuzzy, but in the moment he realized it wasn’t possible to make out any defining features for any of them. All except for one.
There was a pavilion in the middle of the void. Never before had anything been here, but now it was sitting there like it had always existed. It was surrounded by a small ring of grass that faded into white, just enough to lay a blanket across. And standing inside, next to a mic stand, was that same woman. She was laying on the railing, looking out towards the vast expanse of… wherever they were.
Izuku was still annoyed with her, but more than that he was confused, and curious. Today had been pretty standard up until she showed up, so he wanted to clear things up. So he got up and walked over to her yet again, with a bit more drive this time.
“Hey.”
The woman jolted, before pushing herself up from the railing. She looked back at Izuku, but couldn’t quite meet his eyes. The look of guilt and remorse on her face made him falter for a moment, but he knew he had to push her for more info.
“Who are you… actually? And… d-don’t give me that ‘I am you’ again… that can’t be right.”
“Well… That’s half true, but I guess I should introduce myself for real this time.”
The woman cleared her throat, grabbing the mic stand nearby. Izuku stepped back a bit, to give her some space. He wasn’t sure what kind of introduction required a microphone, but-
“Hiya darling! This is Hololive English Advent's devilish diva, the one and only Nerissa Ravencroft!”
Ah. Hm. Ok. This day just keeps getting more odd. Izuku had a name for her now, Nerissa, but even more questions
“Hololive..? English Advent? I don’t mean to be rude but… what are you talking about?”
Nerissa looked a bit confused as well, but laughed it off. “I… have no idea! It just felt right for me to say it. Like how I was compelled to be out there on the cliff that night.”
“Right… you were there, but now you’re here with me. In my dream. How?”
“...I dunno. I was just born 5 minutes ago.”
“...”
“...”
“...Sorry if I sound like a broken record, but what? What are you talking about?”
“I just came into being 5 minutes ago… I think. I don’t remember anything before… well actually, hold on, I kinda do remember? But I don’t.”
Nerissa started to pace around the pavilion, and Izuku watched after her, trying to wrap his mind around the whole thing. “Ok, ok. Nerissa, why don’t we come back to that later. Why were you out there to begin with? You said you were ‘compelled’, so there’s gotta be a reason.”
“AH! Right, sorry, let’s get back on track.” Nerissa stopped by the entrance, hand on the railing. “Why don’t we sit down on the grass? It’s been a while since I felt it beneath my feet.”
“I thought you were born 5 minutes ago?”
“...It’s complicated.”
“We’ve got time. Maybe?”
The two of them sat down on the grass, backs leaned against the pavilion walls. Nerissa fiddled with her staff, which somehow Izuku hadn’t noticed until now. He probably just glossed over it while he was taking everything in.
“You don’t mind if I just infodump a bit to you, Izuku? We’re going to be working together from now on, so I’ll do my best to not leave out a single detail.”
“Yeah, do that. It’d be better for both of us if we figured out what’s going on.” Izuku put his hands onto his face, and groaned. “This is such a mess…” he muttered to himself.
“You can say that again.”
Nerissa nodded solemnly, and placed her hand on his shoulder, giving it a light squeeze. “So let me tell you what I’ve figured out. I was one of those blurry figures out there for the longest time.” She points at one of the figures closer to the two of them. Of course, there’s no response from it
“ I don’t remember explicitly being one of them, but I just… know that’s what I was. And I know that I was called to, and materialized into who I am now, by you.”
“...I called out to you?”
“Unconciously, but yeah. In that moment, you needed someone to save you, and so I was brought out of the… what should I call it… the blurry state?” Nerissa looked unsatisfied with that name. “I’m sure I can think of something better…”
“Hold on for a second. You said… that you came because I needed someone to save me. But… but…” Izuku curled up into himself. He was grateful to have someone there for him, but…
“A-Are you alright..?”
“...but why didn’t you come earlier..? I-I’ve always needed someone… to save me. Why only now, when I was so convinced it was all over..? When I was finally ready to go…”
“Oh…” Nerissa’s hand clenched around his shoulder, and she hesitated for a brief moment, unsure of what to do, before holding his face in her hands. “Come here… I’m sorry I couldn’t be there for you sooner…”
Izuku let himself be brought into a hug, something he didn’t realize he was lacking until he had it once again. He needed someone to support him, he realized, and so he let himself lean into the hug, and let Nerissa rustle his hair and soothe his heart with her voice.
“...Thank you.”
“Of course. I’m here for you.”
“I… It’s been a while. Since someone said they would support me.”
They stayed in a comfortable silence for a while. Izuku just needed time to accept the past once again. It isn’t going to change, but now he has a chance. Maybe something real can come out of this.
“Nerissa..? I’m ready for you to keep going.”
She smiled down at him, and he felt a little calmer. Sitting back down next to her, he turned to listen carefully.
“Ok, but let me just say… The first step is always the hardest. It took this long to finally bring me to you, but maybe now that you’ve done it once, you can do it again.”
“But how would I do that?”
“I dunno.”
“I guess we’ll have to figure that out together, then. Since we’re stuck together… probably.”
“Considering I’m a part of you, I’d say we’re stuck together.”
“Right, you’re me. That’s so weird to think about… But if you’re just a part of me, then how were you on the cliff? What… if this is my quirk, then what could possibly be going on with it?”
“Well I can answer the first bit just fine. You were hallucinating.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah. It was partly me, though. I used my song to speak to you in your mind, and cause you to see me in person.”
“And if you’re a part of me… does that mean I can do that too?” Izuku squinted, recalling what had happened before he blacked out. “My body was flickering, between my own, and yours. So if those are your powers…”
“...Then you should be able to use them if you use my form.”
Izuku leaned back and stared up at the white void. “Holy shit. I have a quirk. A-And since there’s a ton of other figures here, it’s probably super versatile! And it’s got a transformation aspect too, so in addition to whatever I get from the other figures, I can disguise as them too! This is… this is incredible!”
There was a smile plastered on his face now, as he rattled off every possible thing he could think of related to his new quirk. Nerissa breathed a sigh of relief, now that he wasn’t so down in the dumps. But there was still something she needed to address.
“Sorry to interrupt, but there’s something else I need to mention.”
“O-oh, yeah! Tell me! Sorry for going on so long-”
“Don’t be, it was cute. But, I don’t think this is a quirk.”
“...Huh?”
“Yes, it’s your power, but I don’t see how I could be a part of a quirk. I… I have memories from before I… I said I materialized earlier, but I think ‘woke up’ would be a better way to put it.”
Izuku watched her as she spoke about her past.
“I remember my parents, and my siblings… but a lot of my memories are from… The Cell. And I know I had friends there, people I basically grew up with, who I was the closest too. But… I can’t remember their names, or their faces, or anything else about them! It’s all just… a blur.”
He saw her eyes narrow, trying to recall anything about them, before they shut completely, and she flopped over, laying on the grass.
“...You can remember your family, right?”
“Yeah… No issues there.”
“But if your friends are a blur, then…” Izuku looked out at the expanse once again, watching the figures pass. “...maybe they’re with us? There are plenty of blurry figures out there, so maybe one day you’ll get to reconnect.”
“Maybe…”
“And maybe I’ll get to meet them too! You can introduce me, and tell me all about the things you did together. We just need to hope they’ll show up, I suppose.”
Nerissa flipped over onto her back, and Izuku laid down next to her.
“I can’t wait to remember them. I know we had so much fun together. So don’t you go dying on me before I get to that, ok?”
“Ok. I can do that.”
“Then… I guess I should see you off now.”
Izuku sat up, and turned to look at her. “Really? I just got here! I feel like we have so much more to talk about.”
“Well, we could talk forever about all sorts of things. But we’re still laying at the top of a cliff, and it’s a long walk back down the path. We need to get back home.”
Oh, right. His- Their body was still in the real world, not this… dreamscape, and they don’t want to be late. If Mom finds out he was up doing this…
“It’s gonna be so weird knowing that we’re the same person, technically. But yeah, I should get going… How do I leave again?”
“Through the door.”
“The what?”
Izuku looked over to where Nerissa was pointing, and there was a door. Just sitting there.
“Ah, right, the door. Of course.” Izuku shook his head and stood up, with Nerissa following suit. “I guess I’ll talk to you again… uh…”
“Well I’m in your head, so we can talk whenever!”
“Huh. That’s nice. Then I’ll see you when I wake up.”
“Bye, darling~!”
Izuku blushed a bit at that. Of course he would, the only woman in his life before now was his mom, and she… well, you know. “B-Bye!”
Once he grabbed the door handle, he felt his weight shift, and suddenly he was back on the overlook, laying on the ground.
In Nerissa’s body.
…
So how does he turn back, again?
~☆ Omake 1: The Long Walk Home ☆~
Turns out turning back was as simple as imagining doing so. What wasn’t simple was tuning out the new voice in his head.
Nerissa really took ‘talk whenever’ to heart, and she was currently complaining about the heat.
“You know, you don’t have to be here right now. You can relax in my head instead of dealing with the heat.”
“But I wanna talk to you… You’re the only person I have right now…”
…On second thought, maybe having a friend on demand wasn’t the worst. Izuku just hopes this doesn’t become a trend. He considers himself lucky that Nerissa can’t hear all his thoughts, just the ones he transmits to her.