Chapter Text
So like, for context, i'm 15yo, born on the 2nd of november 2010 in France.
My parents didn't exactly love eachother that much, but had 4 children anyway (which in my opinion is completely stupid).
I'm the only girl they gave birth to, and i'm also the youngest with an 11 years difference between me and my third brother, 14 years with the second and 16 years with the oldest.
My parents divorced when i was 11, and my dad moved to Brittany some time after. My mom met a guy a month later, left him because he was an asshole, and went with another guy six months later, who now lives with us. We moved in Savoie when i was 13yo, in the middle of the year, and we are now curently trying to move to a different house.
Anyway, now i think i can freely vent, so here we go:
I'm completely exhausted with everything. I want to kill myself, and i tried multiple time with pills, but I think I'm too stupid or something because it doesn't work. Like, at all. At the start of my 4th year in middle school, i had 12 grams of paracetamol in me. 12. And do you know what i got? A headache. That's it. and I tried again a week ago, and still nothing. And the worst part is that my mom and my school found out because i told my friend about it, since i needed to vent a bit. Then she told her mom, who then told the school, where they called my mom. And i'm not angry at her since she was just worried and i can understand, but i felt betrayed. Not that i told her that of course. i just told her what she needed to hear. And i actually got some hope that my mom would be worried enough to hold me in her arms and tell me she loved me and that she didn't want me to go away, that she'd do better.
What a stupid fantasy.
All I got was yelling because she was disapointed that i'd resort to that. Some crying, and my step-father telling me that i couldn't do that to my mom because she would get the blame for my death. That's it. Not an "I Love You dear, don't leave me". Not even an "I don't want you to die". Just mentions about the fact that i was coward and a bad daughter. Thanks. I appreciate it.
I also had an argument with mom because i don't go to school. And I know it's stupid, but I just don't know how to go.
It's not the fact that i don't want to learn or that i don't like classes, because i actually do. I mostly enjoy those type of things, but it's the fact that i can't bring myself to move out of my bed. Sometime i don't even have energy to eat. And when i do have enough energy to do try to, I don't have motivation to take a shower, or brush my teeth, or even just dress into an outfit. It just seems so difficult, even impossible sometimes. And when i try to tell mom (which is rare since i mostly just lie) she just says it's excuses, or even just tells me she is stressed too but still goes to work.
Am i truly just dumb and lazy? Is that it?
I feel like mom doesn't care about me, but more about the fact that she is a mother. Do you get it? Like, for exemple, she seems more worried that i'll not achieve a good job than the fact i'm depressed. Or maybe i'm just paranoid. And stupid.
Change of subject because i feel like i'll cry, which i refuse to do right now.
In the tags, you could see that i mentioned being pansexual, which is true. I also figured out young, because i had a crush on a trans male a few years ago, and had another one on a guy, and right now i also have a crush on a girl. And i also have a crush on a guy... who are together. The girl and the guy i mean.
That's why i feel so confused. Like, for a bit of context, i met the girl, who we will name Z to not say her real name, a few years ago. I don't remember exactly how or when we met, but we already knew eachother when i was 10. All I know is that my uncle dated her mother, and then they moved to brittany, where i would go every vacations. We hanged out, played with Barbies making out, and pretended to be celebrities in front of plushies.
When i got my first phone, at arount 11yo, she asked me to add Discord so we could meet people. And we met G. He was a fucking red flag for a boyfriend at the time, since he cared more about video games than people, but Z fell in love with him.
They got together about a year later, managed to change his bad habits of playing all the time, and stayed in a distance relationship since he lived in Paris.
He got problems in his family that i won't mention because he wouldn't like me sharing, but basicaly he got psychos instead of a mom and sister. He developped a fear of women, and avoids contact with them, except Z and her family since they gained his trust. He also moved into Z's house (actually her mother's since she is a minor) and lives there since a year ago, but he is trying to get an appartment with his money (he works)
Anyway, we got a bit closer him and I, but he still doesn't feel as comfortable as when he is with Z. Which is actually good since they're together and everything, but the moment I discovered about my crush, damn did I feel envy. I think we can barely be called friends, since the only thing we know about eachother is our traumas and our insecurities. But hey, at least it's a start.
They are basically my reason to live, even if it's a thin line. They reassure me, they make me feel safe and I can basically tell them everything about me without being judged. The only problems in my dumb feelings for them is the fact that they're, first, together, and second, we got an age difference. Not a big big one, but like, Z is a year older than me and G is 4 and a half year older, making him legally an adult in France. We also all have traumas and I don't have enough motivation to call them a lot if we actually got together. Not because i don't like them, but because that would mean telling them how was my day, how i'm feeling or even worse: I'd want to cry to them about how tired I am. I don't want them to see the raw emptiness I feel. How i'm wondering when i'll die, when i'll be able to sleep peacefully. Why is it happening to me? Why do I feel like an empty bottle that got thrown away and left alone? Like I lost what made me unique? What made me feel happy? It would be horrible. That's why i wouldn't and won't do that. If we got together or not, i won't.
I'm pathetic, aren't i? Just utterly pathetic. But what's worst is the fact that i want to live with them. I want to live in that caring house that is Z' family.
Because Z's mother and sisters are loving. They told me I could live with them. They told me they loved me. They told me they would care if I died. my mom didn't. And I want to feel that love. I want to feel like I belong. I want to escape. But I can't. That would shatter mom's heart. That would admit that I feel empty when i'm with her. That would admit i'm completely drained of my family drama. And that would also mean leaving my friend behind, leaving the one that was worried about me, and the only one who doesn't have any other friends. How could I do that to her? She is so nice and caring, how could I leave her without friends? That'd be so cruel and heartless and horrible...
I don't know what to do. I wish someone had a manual about what is needed to be done. But there isn't, because life needs to be lived, not survived, and nobody can live your life. And that's an horrible thing. I wish I didn't have to. I wish it was a game. A level where you can ask a friend to do it for you because you struggle. Or where you can come back and try again later, making the world pause. Is it selfish to think that?