Archive of Our Own

Ask anyone, ever, and they'll all agree: middle school is the fucking worst. Either you're a bully, and even then you're also kinda fucked up, or you're not. And if you're not, someone is planning your downfall. That's just life. 

Airi was leaning against one of the outside walls during lunch period, one hand buried into her blazer as she bit into her gum, the other busy rubbing her sore cheek. She really should stop getting into all those fights… but people were just so mean! 

Was she just meant to, like… take it? But… no, that's not… ugh.. What would an idol act like? How should an idol act like? Well, an idol definitely wouldn't stand down and just take it-! 

For context… Airi was, for as long as an outsider’s eye could see, what someone would define as a tomboy- dressed masculine, got into fights somewhat frequently, hair a mess every other day, face and arms generally bruised from grabs or fists when she bit back too hard. It’s… not like she likes that, however. 

The girl loved feminine things, actually. She loved frilly dresses, and make-up, and good hairstyles… boys hadn’t interested her just yet, but she was fairly sure it was pretty normal to not feel attraction for one so soon… Besides, boys her age were all icky pieces of-

And idols didn’t have public boyfriends half the time! She wanted to become one, so she had to be on the right path- already denying herself boys, truly on the right path from the beginning! She was born to be on stage and spread hope, clearly! 

Pfft, you, Momoi-san? As an idol? Please, idols are pretty, you can’t ruin their image like that! 

Airi shook her head, fingers pressing into her bruise a bit harder to ground herself. Still, even though she had lashed out at that mean boy, she had to admit that somewhere, deep within her, couldn’t help but agree.

Idols were feminine, graceful, and beautiful. Airi was masculine, violent, scuffed usually and presentable sometimes. Idols wore shiny dresses like a second skin, and they had a particular aura to them… Airi couldn’t rock dresses, not in that ethereal way an idol could, and definitely lacked the star aura. Idols could smile bright and warm hearts- Airi’s smile would forever be ruined by that snaggletooth. An idol’s hands were meant to make cute gestures, to wave at fans, to bring hope…

Airi’s had only ever brought hugs to her family members and bruises to outsiders- the proof of that fact a burning, aching mark on her face. Definitely something an idol wouldn’t do, right? 

She had spent years of her childhood life watching idols shine on stage, learning everything one could learn about them like a dedicated scholar. She knew all about that side of the showbiz, hoping to join it one day. But despite being terribly good at theory and in spirit, she was terribly lacking in the practical department. The work she should’ve been putting in to fine tune her appearance to fit the one she truly wanted.

It wasn’t like she hadn’t been trying- she had! She got more showers, actually paid attention to what products she used, tried applying simple make-up using tutorials she found on the internet, chose softer colors for her clothes as she tried to gather the courage to wear a pretty dress out of work or a skirt that wasn’t the school uniform one and not feel like an alien wearing someone else’s skin- it’s not that she disliked the idea of dressing up, not really, but whenever she looked into the mirror her brain would supply with a smirk and a mocking…

You know, that doesn’t fit you at all. 

And the worst part of that…? You can't silence your own brain. You can't just… punch yourself to deny it. It's just… there. Wanting to wear a dress, thinking they're super duper pretty, but not on you. It was fine for other girls, just… not her. 

Airi Momoi wasn't girlish enough for dresses, she concluded. Despite wanting to wear one, she had to learn how to deal with the feeling of being painfully out of place in one. She was, as a girl, fundamentally flawed. And yet, she kept striving for the idol dream… to wear a dress and feel like Airi, not some weird parade of her identity. Was that why her company always made her work in variety shows? Was she not feminine enough to be on stage? 

What am I doing wrong? Why am I enamoured with the idea of dresses, but I can't wear one without feeling like a dumbass…? 

Was it the comments? Had she been subjected to too many snide remarks to ever truly wear a dress without their voice echoing in the back of her mind? Was it her fault for being too sensitive?

Or maybe she really was way too violent, and seeing someone in a dress being violent felt like… an insult, no? An insult to girls of all ages, to the actual girls. The ones who acted feminine. The ones who didn't go around sporting bruises like twisted badges of honour. 

“Hey, Momoi-san! What are you doing over there, man?”

Ugh, not him… 

Her thoughts got broken off by an annoying, basic bi- a dude, an annoying dude named Yamada and his gang of mindless sheeps. Annoying as fuck…

Subconsciously, she shifted her position, stopping to rub her cheek as she locked eyes with him, already going on guard. 

“... What do you want?” 

“Ah, nothing, just wanted to know what my man was up to. You chilling, dude? Saw you on TV yesterday, your puns were really funny. But the dress…? I think they switched up your outfit or something.”

Ah, there it was. The quiet, mocking “Ah, Airi's not a girl, she's a boy!” It was growing stale… still, her shoulders slumped a bit, the words hurting her when they really shouldn't have.

Now, she had tried everything. Fought back, never worked. Yelled back, never worked. Tried to ignore them, tried to mock them, tried to take it in stride…

This time, though, she didn't even get the chance to wind back a punch before they struck. Her eyes widened for a moment, pain erupting from her chest as she struggled to make out what was happening- then adrenaline kicked in, followed by confusion. 

“Wh- what the fuck was that for??”

Airi yelled back, confused, before she scrambled to defend herself from another punch aimed at her- she managed to catch that one, but her form was all sloppy from being caught off guard. 

Yamada walked forward, promptly sweeping under her legs as she was busy keeping the fist of his friend from meeting her chest, so she unceremoniously fell on the ground, cursing as he pressed a foot on her side, pinning her there. 

“C'mon, dude! Fight back a bit, yeah? You were so snappy on that variety show!”

All the boys laughed as he pressed his foot harder, Airi pointlessly trying to grab his foot. Cheap tactic… she could pull a punch or two, but how was she meant to defend herself from that??? 

“Fight me like a man, you little- ow! Hey, quit that!”

He laughed again, tugging at her hair. The ribbon she had worn that day fell onto the ground, and it immediately got crushed under his shoe, accompanied by another round of chuckling. Frustrated tears- more physical pain than distress- welled up in her eyes as Yamada tugged again. 

“Boys don't wear ribbons, y'know? They're for girls!”

Airi wanted to yell back “I'm a girl!” but she knew it wouldn't really lead to anything if not, perhaps, another tug at her hair. She was trying to change- she was trying to present herself as more feminine, really! Why couldn't they see that? Why did they have to treat her like a boy regardless? Did they care? They definitely didn't… 

The bully tilted her head back, pressing a hand into her bruise- before another voice came up, out of nowhere. 

“Hey, you! Don't you have anything better to do?!”

The voice- feminine, strong and fierce, seemed to scare off the boys. Yamada unceremoniously let go of Airi, letting her fall face first onto the concrete as he and his goons walked away. For a few moments, she had remained there, face down, resisting the urge to just ball herself and yell- before she felt a gentle touch on her back. 

Through wet eyes, she looked up- and felt her heart skip a beat. Kneeling next to her was the girl who, seconds prior, had saved her. She had gentle eyes, a pretty face, and beautiful brown hair- the kind of soft thing Airi would sometimes wish for in the deep of the night. One of her hands- nimble, yet calloused, Airi couldn't help but wonder why- reached down, offering it to Airi. 

“Hey, are you okay? Bullies are the absolute worst…”

And her voice… blood rushed to Airi's cheeks, who swiftly rushed to cover the bruise on her cheek as she accepted her saviour’s hand, getting back on her feet. Without the aggressiveness that had been lacing her tone earlier, the girl's voice was actually really, really kind and soft. 

There were many things Airi could've asked. Yet, her brain settled on… 

“F-fine, I'm fine! More than fine! Thanks!”

The brown haired nodded, albeit her eyes were still locked on Airi's cheek, concern lacing her features. Still, she didn't comment on the elephant in the room, speaking up. 

“... I'm glad. My name's Ena. Ena Shinonome. And you're Momoi-san, right? Sorry, I overheard… and you do have a bit of a reputation…”

Airi paled, not too happy about the “reputation” comment, but managed to nod. Did she mean that as “Yeah, I've seen your shows” or as “I know you're a troublemaker”? “Airi Momoi, yeah”. Also, didn't she hear that name somewhere…? 

Ena nodded back, taking in the information. Then, there followed the thing commonly referred to as “awkward silence”. Willing it to end, Airi swallowed. 

“Soo… uh… what do you want to be when you grow up?”

You see, she might've not been an expert at communication, but Airi knew what she wanted from her future. Ena blinked, confused, before replying. 

“Ah, an artist… I plan to become a really famous artist like my dad. What about you?”

The name- Shinonome- finally rang a bell in Airi's mind. Right, the artist… her mom liked his works. Wait, don't get sidetracked, answer! 

“Oh, uh…” a pause. “well, I… kinda want to be an idol… I-I know it sounds stupid, and I don't really look the part, like-”

She pointed in Ena's general direction, leaving the other girl confused for a second as she went on with her rambling. Down the rabbit hole she went… girl, you need more friends. 

“Like you look way more like a proper idol than me- but I'd still like to try to become one and I swear I'm trying to be more idol-ish and again I know it sounds stupid but please don't laugh at-”

“Why should I laugh at you?”

Airi stilled, eyes locking on Ena in shock. Isn't that obvious? Because Airi was way too boy-ish, and she struggled at looking like a girl, got into fights… 

She opened her mouth, but Ena cut her off. 

“I don't think you should let people control your dreams- we literally just met, but please take my word on this. People are just shit for no reason. Besides…”

A small flush formed on Ena's face, but she went on. “I don't think you're that boy-ish. In fact, I think your hair's really nice. Maybe if you tried a different routine…”

Wordlessly, Airi listened to Ena go on about positive things she could see about the shorter girl- her eyes, her hands, her bust, her jokes at the last variety show she had been on- even called Airi's snaggletooth, that darned thing- a cute quirk she could already picture being popular.

For a while, pink eyes stared into brown ones, confused at so much kindness. Ena seemed to see her as a masterpiece, while Airi could only see broken pieces parading as a girl. She wanted to ask why she was being so kind, but sentences failed her for a few long, torturous moments. Then, the words finally tumbled out of her mouth. 

“Can… Can you help me?”

“Uh?” Ena stopped talking, tilting her head the slightest bit “What do you mean?”

The hard part was to force the words out, Airi concluded. To voice that stupid thought she was cooking up. Quietly, she willed it to.  

“Can you… help me bring out the idol you see? Please…?”

Silence followed, and that silence had been forever willed into Airi's memories- and then, the nod that came after a slightly shocked, maybe (Airi liked to think of it as) flushed pause, the “Alright, sure! Just wait and see!” as Ena lit up and accepted her proposal, eyes sparkling in quiet determination, the final smile that set the deal in stone. 

Looking back, Airi found it funny to think Ena had been like that- imagining her current self being that outspoken and excited felt like two different people. 

The important thing was, in all of this, that from that specific encounter, several more mornings had passed by, and Ena had helped Airi with tips and tricks- the girl growing more and more pleased every time she looked into a mirror and finally saw herself as girly as she liked- and somewhere along the way, it became painfully clear… 

… like soulmates, life had made them best friends.

—

By their second year of Junior High, the two were inseparable. Anyone knew, with absolute certainty, that if you saw Airi Momoi, Ena Shinonome wasn't far behind, and vice versa. Need to find one? Just look for their best friend!

Maybe it was being coincidentally assigned in the same class that year, maybe it wasn't, but the two had grown closer than ever- sharing homework, gossiping together, hanging out for hours after school ended until one of them crashed at the other's place- that had become Airi's normal. 

Every single one of her sisters knew Ena by heart, to the point where Airi's little sister sometimes asked her when was the next time her best friend was going to visit them, so that she could show off her new fake nails. 

Airi, in turn, went to Ena's house somewhat frequently, too- mostly when her father wasn't home, so it was only the two of them, Ena's mom and her little brother, Akito. While she found him adorable, he always looked at Airi like some sort of weird, particular phenomenon- and oftentimes asked her how she could be friends with her sister- much to Ena's annoyance. Watching them bicker was extremely entertaining. 

All in all, things between them were going well. More than well, actually. 

Better yet- Airi could finally wear dresses without feeling like an idiot! Ena's tips had started out small- but soon, they started having a positive effect. A change of hair routine, on sleep schedule, on the way she dressed, on everything, really… Which should've scared Airi- and admittedly, it had been terrifying- but the final results? More than worth it. She felt like a new girl. 

With her transformation, something she'd probably forever feel indebted with Ena for, the bullying had also stopped. If not for Yamada still being a bitch from time to time, other boys had finally started to see her for who she wanted to be. And that was awesome. More than awesome, actually. 

Life, for once, had felt okay. She didn't go around aching anymore, she could show herself as she wanted to- and consequently, she had a better time at work, too, even getting along with her groupmates better. Not… not that she wasn't getting along before, not really, but they had gotten closer recently! All thanks to Ena. 

Everything was perfect… well, everything but a certain, annoying stamp at the corner of Airi's life. Not one of her problems directly, but… 

That day, the day that changed everything, the two were on the school rooftop, looking down at the scenery. Airi was leisurely sitting next to Ena, fiddling with her own hair, while the other girl was sketching the landscape below, brows furrowed in that adorable focus that Airi had grown to adore. 

The sky had begun setting, painting the world in orange-pink lights, and she had been torn between observing Ena sketch or looking at the real thing. How her hands moved while she drew… it was mesmerizing. Some could find it as a boring activity, but really, Airi found that she could've easily spent hours watching her. 

Ena sighed, letting her head flop down on Airi's head as she closed her notebook, frustrated. 

“Ugh, I can't get the perspective right for the life of me…”

The shorter girl shifted positions, just to give Ena an easier place to relax, and silently reached for the notebook, opening it to see what the artist was working on. 

As usual, the work was astounding- at least, it was in Airi's inexperienced eyes. It showed a simple landscape, with a few trees and a single street, all from a top view- looked difficult to do, but it seemed pretty normal… with a soft tone, she spoke up. 

“Say, uh, what are you struggling with? I think it looks fine…”

Ena straightened up, rubbing her eyes, and pointed at a faraway tree. Her finger traced the lines there, creating a sort of triangle as she did. 

“See here?” she beckoned, grabbing her pencil to make a small circle. “It should be shorter, but if I make it shorter, then the perspective falls apart, but if I don't make it shorter, this branch is unnaturally long…”

With a scholar's attention, Airi listened to her ramble on and on, sometimes slipping in terms that only made sense to fellow artists, but didn't dare stop her. When Ena finally did, looking at her for feedback, Airi didn't speak. 

Instead, she simply closed the notebook again, grabbed Ena's calloused hands, and gave her a toothy smile- one of those she'd usually reserve on stage to make her fans swoon for her. 

“Well, I think… you've been overthinking this. So, I hereby tell you to relax, and look at it again later. Alright?”

For a moment, Ena's cheeks dusted themselves with a slight tinge of red- then she exploded in a laugh, fond, and lightly punched Airi's shoulder. 

“Hereby?? Bitch, you'd never willingly talk like that!”

The shorter girl burst out laughing, too, flicking Ena back in retribution. Truth is, despite Ena being really refined on the outside, she actually swore pretty often. Airi didn't mind- they matched each other's energy. 

“Yeah I would, I'm not an uneducated swine like you!”

“I'm so not!”

“You-” a boop, and a mocking grin as Airi leaned closer “-so are”.

Ena snickered, again, and muttered back. 

“Idiot”

And Airi, of course, replied the only way a proper lady would. 

“Dumbass”

For a while, the two remained in silence, looking at one another, before Ena dramatically flopped on Airi's lap, making the other girl's heartbeat skyrocket. 

Their eyes met- beautiful brown, tinted amber by the sun, looked in pink- and Airi completely stilled, ears tinting themselves red as she couldn't tear her gaze away from the spectacle in front of her. A traitorous thought slipped by- but before she could voice it, the door of the rooftop burst open. 

“Hey, Shinonome!”

Ugh, not him… 

With the moment completely ruined, Yamada had entered, all proud smirks and annoying asshole energy combined. Hadn't changed a bit since last year, much to everyone’s annoyance. Had less goons around, but he was still a sexist asshole and Airi still hated him. Hated the way he made Ena tense whenever he entered a room, too. 

Call it his fragile ego being completely ruined, call it anything else, but ever since Ena had talked him down, he had grown obsessed with her. And not in the bully way. In a much more specific, chilling way. 

For months, Ena had received loud confessions of love, bold romantic poems and letters, compliments on her hair, on her eyes, on her body… sometimes friendly, other times genuinely gross. 

“Yamada-san, I told you already, I'm not interested…”

Disregarding the concept of personal space and Airi, he walked over, throwing himself around Ena's shoulders. The girl swallowed, the slightest bit of frustration and anger forming on her face. 

“But… baby, I told you, if you'd just come to my place, I'd show you one hell of a good time. Seriously, we could have…”

His hand traveled lower, stopping on her upper leg, voice turning huskier in what he probably considered persuasive, but Airi only found it slimy. 

“... Such a good time, I'm su- hey!”

Wordlessly and slightly breathless from the touch, Ena had slapped his hand away, glaring at him for a few long seconds, like a wounded animal caught in a trap. Except the animal definitely still had a will to fight and claws. 

“Back. Off. Ever heard of that, asshole?! I'm tired of being nice, fuck off!”

Yamada froze for a moment, caressing his hand, before locking eyes with Airi- and a devilish smirk formed on his face. 

“It's her, isn't it? You'd totally come to my place if it weren't for that snake ruining your mind”

Time froze. Everyone looked at one another, Ena's rage morphing into outrage when she finally realised just what he was implying, and immediately went to Airi's defense. 

“Don't you dare blame Airi for something that's entirely your fault-!”

“It's totally her, always ruining my life!”

“It's not!” she yelled back, and the two started arguing. Airi watched, shell shocked, still not that used to seeing Ena mad for her sake. Especially considering that no more than two seconds ago, the argument was brewing for totally different reasons… 

As the two threw insults at one another, a part of Airi knew, deep down, that Yamada would try again another day. Then another. Then yet another. He didn't care about Ena's dignity, not really, just like he didn't care about Airi's. He just… lived in his own world. 

… People like him are the scum of the earth… 

She thought, to herself, as her brain started thinking of a possible solution. There had to be one, for sure. Because every time Airi tried to convince Ena to do something about him, she always muttered about “facing backlash” and it “not being necessary, he won't do anything”. But what if he did? 

Airi knew he could throw punches, and he hadn’t hesitated to prey on her to hit her. Her luck had been that he hadn't been interested in her body, just in her humiliation… but in Ena's case, he didn't want to insult her. He wanted her. Who's to say one day he'd just magically back off? 

The thought, small and traitorous, had welled up in her room, during one of their sleepovers, after Ena fell asleep first, her peaceful frame next to her, and Airi's brain had supplied her with the images- fuzzy, but the stories went around, anyways. She hadn't slept the first time she had imagined that scenario. To imagine Ena hurt… it was terrifying, to think that Airi couldn't have protected her. 

A new idea- perhaps guided by selfishness, and probably really stupid, welled up in Airi's mind. Unbeknownst to her, that choice was going to be her worst mistake. 

When she snapped back to reality, Yamada was retreating, angrily muttering to himself, while Ena kept on an angry expression. The moment he disappeared off the rooftop, the facade broke. 

The taller girl deflated, the stress from the encounter and constant harassment overtaking her, and Airi catched her, returning to their position from earlier. Ena balled herself slightly, gripping the fabric of Airi's skirt. 

“... I hate him…”

She said, defeated, and Airi wanted to scoop her up, give her a big hug, and then kick Yamada's ass. Instead, she simply held Ena as she let her frustrations out. Airi noticed the way Ena closed her legs, crossing them as she buried her head deeper into the shorter girl's lap, but decided not to comment on it. 

“He's just so- ugh! Why can't he back the fuck off? Am I speaking another language or something?? I'd never date that slimy, disgusting piece of shit! Ever! Why can't he just get that?!”

For a few minutes, Ena muttered or yelled sentences- some made sense, others were just unfiltered thoughts, but all of them were, unmistakably, desires for the whole situation she had found herself in to end. 

Swallowing thickly, Airi brought up her idea. She doesn't even know why, back then, she had proposed it. To this day, she still leans towards it being an experiment, or pure selfishness. 

“Why… don't we pretend to date…?”

Ena had looked up at her, rubbing her teary eyes, and she had locked gazes with Airi, who promptly froze, as if realizing how weird it probably sounded. 

“I- I mean, like… to throw him off, y'know? He'd think you're a lesbian or something, and that's bound to make him back off, no?”

A part of her, a small traitorous part, desperately hoped she'd say yes- why, exactly, she didn't really know. Probably to satisfy some buried desire, but Airi refused to accept that as a solution- Ena wasn't into girls, anyways. 

During her friendship with Ena, Airi had realized that her little skipped heartbeats were awfully similar to the ones of a crush. She'd taken tests online, talked about it with her older sister, did research on forums… and concluded that she might've been a lesbian. Definitely explained how she felt around Ena and why boys never seemed to interest her… 

Of course, she didn't plan to tell Ena. Nope! Absolutely not! Will not creep her away! 

The fake date idea had been meant as a solution. Really! And… Well, if Airi did it to satisfy her curiosity and to fully confirm if she was just mistaking platonic affection with a romantic one, that was the secondary gain. 

“... To… pretend to date, uh?”

Ena pondered the idea, outloud, and Airi felt her heartbeat skyrocket. Another part of her was already formulating several replies to excuse herself, to play it off as a joke, but-

Her best friend's ears tinted red, and she nodded, a glint of determination in her eyes. 

“Yeah, let's try that. Anything to get him to back off”

When their hands linked, once more, both clearly flustered at the idea, Airi's heart couldn't stop hammering against her ribs. 

It was really happening. Even if it was simply a play pretend, a farce… 

Airi and Ena, were, for the world, officially girlfriends. And the thought was as exhilarating as it was painful. 

Because, she knew, it wasn't meant to last, and her love was bound to remain unrequited. Still… 

The plan had worked way better than expected. 

—

A few months later- specifically, at the beginning of their third junior high school year- Yamada had long since stopped harassing Ena, but Airi always found excuses to prolong the pact. What if he began again? What if some other asshole tried? One could never know. 

Every time she did, she desperately hoped Ena couldn't read the subtext, that her friend wouldn't see the way her shoulders tensed and her heartbeat skipped beats- the way her entire world rotated their fake relationship. 

Ena always accepted, much to Airi's relief, so they kept it up and went on with their “dating”- mostly calling one another cringey names like “babe” or whatever, and holding hands in public. 

Acting flustered around one another was not hard for Airi. Ena was a surprisingly good actress, too… Kept her composure way more naturally than Airi, but she did have some moments where, wouldn't Airi know any better, she'd really think her friend had fallen for her. Too bad it was all a lie, uh? 

Another day she'd never forget, they were both at Ena's house, in her room. The artist was painting, Airi posing for her. It was something Ena needed for her art project- the theme had been “idol”, and she had decided to ask Airi to be her model. The shorter girl tried not to melt into a puddle on the floor whenever she felt Ena's eyes on her- studying her form, mostly… 

The afternoon light was tinged in spring sunlight, and Ena's birthday was somewhat near, too- not that it was an important fact, not really, but Airi remembered being very preoccupied about what to give as a gift. It had to be special! And meaningful! Even more now, since she had to sell the girlfriend lie, flawlessly! 

“Hello, Earth to Airi? Can you stay still, the pose will get all wonky otherwise…”

With a blink, the girl snapped back to reality, flustered, as she returned into position. For a while, the artist went on, focused, before halting, analyzing her canvas. Then, she nodded. 

“Yeah, I've got the pose down. You can go do something else if you want”

Breaking out of the pose, Airi shot her a tired grin, then promptly walked over to the bed in the room and slumped into it, hugging the yellow cat plushie they happened to match together. Her own was probably buried somewhere in her room… 

“Thank fuck, girl. Couldn't feel my arms there for a sec.”

Ena rolled her eyes, fond, as she resumed sketching, fingers getting tainted with carbon as she added details. 

“Please…? How do you even do photoshoots if you can't keep a pose for…” a quick look at her phone “... 20 minutes? Seriously?”

The idol perked up, shaking her head as she sat up, looking at the canvas Ena was working on for a beat before she decided that her nails were more interesting. She didn't miss her friend rolling her eyes. 

“Well, I don't have to keep a pose for that long while on a photoshoot! And even if I break it, we can just attempt a new one…”

“Excuses!” Ena teased, continuing to sketch as she bantered. Airi prepared to counter, but her eyes locked on Ena’s form, and words failed her. 

The taller girl had her back turned, all of her attention directed towards her sketch, but the light from the window hit her and the canvas just right. Her eyes flicked to the unfinished piece to the gorgeous artist, and Airi struggled, for a long while, to pick which spectacle she preferred. She knew the painting was bound to become beautiful, but she still wanted to look at Ena as she worked, to take that singular moment and forever lock it in time

The smell of the wood from the canvas, from the paints splattered about, from the fresh room deodorant… to take it all, put it into a bubble, and forever gaze at it, live in it, breathe it- that had been Airi's only desire at that specific moment. Were her idol dream be damned, she wanted that moment forever and ever, and she just knew, with utmost certainty, that she would've been content. 

To stop herself from looking like a gay mess and getting Ena suspicious, Airi decided that her phone suddenly seemed way more interesting than looking at her friend's form as she painted. With a few clicks, there she went, looking over idol news, concerts, aspiring groups… 

Despite growing up and becoming one herself (even if, again, she really went more on variety shows than on stage, but surely that won't be permanent!) Airi was still helplessly enamoured by idols. No matter where she looked, they were just so beautiful… definitely not beating the allegations, but whatever. 

She could just… bury her feelings in a hole and pretend they don't exist. Simple as that! Many did that, right? And surely, it won't backfire at all. Surely. 

After all, they're bound to die down eventually, no? One day of unrequited pining will be too much, and Airi's crush will magically disappear! Right…? She just had to hold on a little longer-

“Hello, Earth to Airi?? Did you space out again?”

The girl blinked, surprised, as she noticed Ena staring at her, annoyed. Oh no, she totally did, didn't she…? 

“Shit- sorry, Ena, I, uh-” I think you're extremely pretty and funny and kind and I'd like us to date for real but I don't want to ruin things between us so I just pretend I don't and- “W-work! Y'know, stress from work? You mentioned photoshoots earlier, so…”

Their eyes met, and Airi felt another flush climb up her neck, but she forced herself to hide it. 

Please be convincing please be convincing please don't ask what I'm stressed about please-

“Yeah, makes sense, honestly…”

Thank fuck! 

Airi cheered, internally, the moment her brain confirmed that her not so smooth lie passed anyways. Though, she should probably start thinking of an actual lie to tell just in case Ena asks for clarification… as she did, the other girl went on. 

“Idol work sure sounds tough, actually! I've read so many articles about them… I wasn't that interested in them before meeting you, really, but they're actually fun as a concept! Don't think I could ever do it, though…”

The shorter girl blinked, confused, before nodding. “Yeah, I could see why… You definitely look the part, but you probably wouldn't enjoy yourself dancing on stage, uh?”

“I don't know, I've never tried…” Ena trailed off, momentarily, before laughing to herself “I bet I'd probably make some shitty expression- y'know, the kind that end up on fail compilations?”

With a smirk as anticipation, Airi burst out laughing, imagining it already. Someone making some pointed question or comment about one of her groupmates, and suddenly Ena would lit up in flustered red, angry, and go on tangents to defend her loved ones- oh, maybe she'd do that adorable pout of hers, too! 

Color flooded the girl's cheeks at the thought, but she didn't really care about it. Could probably blame it on laughing, anyways… 

Opening her eyes and wiping away some tears, she could see Ena's own face was tinted red- but then the other had turned back to the canvas, hiding herself. 

“Bitch, I already know you're imagining some idiotic expression…”

Airi howled at that, hiding her face with one of her hands, and Ena got up from her stool, annoyed. She walked over to the bed, slightly flustered still, and she grabbed the nearest pillow- before slamming it in her friend's face, making Airi sputter in surprise. 

For a moment, the two stared at one another, frozen, before another plushie was grabbed, and the two began playfighting. Airi got the first strike. 

“That was low!”

“Says who?! Fight me like a woman!”

Ena climbed on the bed, hoping to gain high ground over the shorter girl, twirling her pillow before striking again- but that time, the other had her guard up and a weapon ready, so she readily parried the attack. 

Using the momentary loss of balance, Airi hit again, hoping to make Ena break her guard. For some weird miracle, she managed to miss the shot, and the older girl didn't hesitate to land a great counterattack- soon, Airi had found herself laying down, which meant a very high disadvantage. 

Calling back on all the experiences from old fights, the idol had opened and closed her legs around Ena's lower midsection… 

“W-what are you-?! W-wait!”

… and used her own mass to switch positions, getting on top of her opponent with a victorious grin. Acting quickly and making full use of the surprise, Airi grabbed Ena's pillow, and yanked it away, on the floor. 

The taller girl scrambled to get free and grip her weapon once more, but her enemy was quicker, more experienced. Still keeping the annoying expression, Airi swiftly pinned Ena's wrists down, effectively blocking her on the bed. 

“... Checkmate, babe”

Time stopped, the two girls tangled on the bed, the defeated weakly trying to free herself from the other's grip, who only tightened it in return. An indignant huff clawed its way out of Ena's throat. 

“Airi! Let me go, you're not playing… fair…”

And then, like a bubble popping, Ena trailed off, eyes locked on Airi's form, who didn't realize the why of such an action. Was she that butthurt about losing? 

She opened her mouth, ready to tease, but her brain finally registered their compromised pose, and she froze as well. Her body registered the sensation- her, on top of Ena, legs still loosely straddling her midsection, her hands pinning hers down…the idol’s traitorous gaze had traveled to the artist's calloused hands, still slightly dirtied by the carbon from earlier, and to the hair- that beautiful, perfect hair Airi loved every other day, roughed up by the fight and spread on the pillow of the bed. The sight sent a jolt of a new feeling in her chest, and her heart started beating a thousand miles a minute. 

Cheeks exploded in red, and for a moment, she was tempted to just pull away and apologize, blame the exhaustion, blame anything… but she didn't. Her eyes went to Ena's face, to her similar flushed look, to her parted lips… 

And before Airi could possibly stop to think about it, to reconsider, to maybe think “yeah, actually, this is a shit idea”, she leaned down. 

Their faces, mere inches from one another- she could feel the other's heartbeat, similarly excited, and Airi hoped it was fellow desire, not adrenaline. 

She tried to see signs- desperately hoped, eventually, to confirm that maybe their fake dating could become something real. What… better test than that? 

A second before Ena could open her mouth again, Airi swallowed down her fears, her doubts, and kissed her. For a single second, it was awkward- teeth clicked against one another, Airi had never kissed anyone, neither did Ena, so it was a flustered, instinctual mess. 

But… After the shock trailed off, the idol almost short circuited. Because… the unthinkable had just happened. 

Holy… holy fucking shit, is Ena kissing back?! Oh my God, oh my God, it's happening. It's actually happening. I'm kissing Ena. I'm stupid. This is great. This is awful. 

For a minute that felt like an eternity, everything in Airi's life had clicked into place. Just like the canvas moments earlier, she would've loved to freeze this one moment in time, too- the two of them, kissing, close enough to hear one another's heartbeat, ringing in their ears. 

Then… they broke apart, Airi pulling back to breathe, as Ena opened her eyes- brown meeting pink. Both looked a mess, terribly flushed, but the idol felt over the moon. She would've happily gone for another, and yet another, until they'd both be high on it- but before she could even attempt it, Ena had sat up, all trembling. 

But… did I hurt her? I- I thought- the mood felt right! And- and I- she kissed me back! I'm sure of it! But… oh, what if she did that automatically…? I fucked up, I fucked up, I totally fucked up, I'm stupid-

Doubt, insidious, immediately crawled in. Airi put distance between the two of them, waving her hands as if burnt. The artist looked at her best friend, an expression that Airi couldn't read at all. 

For the first time since they learnt the language of the other, Airi didn't know what Ena was thinking. And the thought was terrifying- perhaps more terrifying that she had possibly destroyed their friendship, just like that. 

Panicked and dizzy from the sudden spike of anxiety, Airi spoke up. 

“U-uh, I don't- I don't know what came over me! I just- Y'know, like- panicked?? The whole, uh, fake dating thing!”

She snapped her fingers, climbing on mirrors to explain herself, Ena still looking at her with that expression painted on her face. Airi swallowed, and went on. 

“Cause, like… couples kiss and all, no? So- like… I- I thought, maybe, it would've been ok, if, like… yes I'm stupid forgive me…”

The idol started mumbling to herself, a flustered, pale mess, already imagining worst case scenarios. The rage directed at her, the disgust, the reveal of Airi's true selfish schemes- all laid bare in front of the one person who helped her more than anyone. A part of her registered Ena probably wasn't understanding her at all, but she couldn't care, too mortified to. 

Eventually, when she stopped, she felt Ena's hands wipe at her wet face- oh, when did she start crying…?- before the artist finally spoke up. 

“... I… It's okay. I… didn't think it was awful, if that's what you're scared of”

Her face became unbearably gentle, and she gave her a smile- a smile that, in Airi's mind, she mistakenly read as pitiful. Because, well… Why should Ena ever like Airi? 

The next words that came out of Ena's mind haunted the idol for years to come. 

“Let's just… Stop thinking about this, ok? Something that happened, our little secret”

Pain- both lacing Ena's voice and piercing Airi's chest- permeated in the room. Protests formed and died as soon as they did, in her throat, and no girl said anything more. 

Still keeping that pained smile, the artist got up, walked back to her canvas, fixed her hair a bit and resumed drawing. 

For an unbearably long period of time, Airi remained perched up on the bed, face wet, Ena's words echoing in her head like a fucked up mantra. 

I fucked up. I fucked up. I fucked up. 

When the silence grew unbearably loud, Airi snapped on her feet, grabbed her bag, and rushed out of the room, waving a quick goodbye to Ena and Akito when she happened to bump into him in the hallway. 

Just like they'd agreed, no one dared to bring up that day again… but their bond had, undoubtedly, shifted in nature. 

A shift that no one had dared to name. 

Airi learnt, several years later, that the moment she had left that room, Ena had stopped drawing, walked over to the bed, and cried her heart out. 

—

Work had gotten harder. Not in the sense that Airi wasn't successful or that her group was going badly- quite the opposite, in fact. They had started having way too much work- so many scheduled appearances in variety shows… Some featuring the entirety of her group, but the majority asked just for her, like usual.

So, naturally, Airi and Ena had started hanging out less. Not that they had wanted to, it simply became a natural development from recent events. It was normal, totally expected, so…

Why do I have the feeling something's wrong with her?

The older girl had changed. Who didn't? Time moved on, they were both going to graduate next year, and it made perfect sense, really! But Airi found herself concerned, the longer the situation had gone on. Because it was growing painfully clear… Ena was pulling away from her, and she didn't know why.

Exhibit A: A big TV appearance in a show the idol was 1000% sure that her best friend was a fan of. She had decided not to tell her anything until the day it aired, ready to see Ena’s surprised expression as they’d meet at school the next day- and maybe absorb her pride and wonder and see her genuine smile.

Airi had arrived at school, already grinning to herself before even stepping in. She hadn't found the artist before classes, which was a bit disappointing, but hadn't let it ruin her mood. Sure, their classes changed in their third year, but they still had breaks to meet in! 

Patient, yet brimming with excitement, the girl got through her classes, then dashed out of class, looking for her other half. Some grumbled as she speed walked to Ena’s class- the name bubbling up in her throat even before she turned around into the class and-

-and it died there, since yelling in an empty classroom was stupid. Uh… had she left already? It's fine, she was totally looking for Airi too, right? Except the idol spent something like 10 minutes wandering around, searching every logical place her friend would've gone to, and she had had no luck. Finally, when she found Ena, she quickly concluded, confused and bitter, that she had been the only one going around like an idiot. 

The artist was sitting on a closed stairwell, idly scrolling through her phone, eyes absent from reality as her thumb moved in a steady rhythm- never stopping to admire, to maybe put a like… nothing at all. Swallowing down her momentary flash of irrational hurt, Airi forced her voice to come out calm, casual.

“Hey, bitch. Got me walking around for a while to find you, you know? Should've texted me you were here or something…”

A pause, and Ena stilled. For a moment, the idol had fully expected a heated remark, and maybe some of their old bickering. Instead, the fire shone in her eyes for no more than three seconds before it dulled back to nothing, and she looked up from her phone to her fake girlfriend, a smile that didn't quite reach her eyes stamped on her face. 

“Sorry, I forgot to tell you! Totally slipped my mind…”

Bitch you're a terrible liar. 

Despite immediately thinking that, Airi didn't comment on it. Honestly, she was way too shocked by the fact that Ena hadn't doubled down with the insults and instead simply bowed her head and took it. Since when was Ena the type of person to do that? The answer: never. 

It was clear, something had to have happened. But what? What could possibly happen to someone that made them… 

Ah, she's just having a bad day. A lot of bad days in a row! It happens! 

The idol sat down next to her, deliberately letting their shoulders touch. Ena hissed, as if hurt- before again stamping on that smile, turning to look at her. Was it just her, or the air got tense all of a sudden? 

“So… Have you seen yesterday's episode of-”

“I did. You were awesome, like always”

Airi flinched, still taken aback by how flat that sounded. How dismissive. Like…  “yeah, yeah, sure, just leave me alone” and she didn't know what to do for a few seconds. Did she do something wrong? Maybe left her on read…? She coughed into her hand, a bit uneasy. 

“Well, of course… but that's a bit vague, y'know? Any section you particularly liked? Some pun that actually made you laugh?”

Slowly, the artist looked at the idol, eyes scanning over her. When she spoke, her voice was a bit too light, a bit too forced, as if she didn't want to speak at all. Were this some cliche romance anime, Airi could already hear a loud crash sound behind her. 

“... The… the one pun about Icarus was good, I suppose.”

Before the conversation could spiral further, the bell rang, signaling the end of the break. Ena was quick to get up, grab her things, and quickly walked away after telling Airi a quick “Bye” and a promise to see each other later. 

The worst part had been that the so-called pun about Icarus wasn't meant to be a pun at all. And it was from last week's episode of a different show… 

Exhibit B: A particular conversation they had during lunch break, on another day, while they were eating together. 

That time, she didn't even seem that upset. Her smiles reached her eyes, she laughed at Airi's jokes- she was, ultimately, undoubtedly, present in a way she hadn't been in a few weeks. Even bickered a bit with Airi! What's better than that? Back to normal! 

Somewhere along the way, the idol had convinced herself that her crush simply had had a bad period- like, who doesn't have one from time?- and she had finally returned to her usual, chatty self. 

“And then- and then this one producer had gone all- ‘Ah, but Momoi-san, you can't possibly mean…?’ And then he became as red as a tomato!”

“Did he now? Oh, that's hilarious“

It had become fairly common practice for the two to discuss Airi's work. Well… mostly, it was just complaining about work, rather than really discussing it, but Ena always seemed content to listen. Besides, being busier with work, the idol barely could pose for her anymore, so Ena's art simply stopped coming up in conversation after a while. 

Not that Airi wasn't interested- not at all! She still considered Ena's art one of the prettiest sights the world had to offer. But every time she tried to bring it up, something or another would stop her. Sometimes a gut feeling, other times someone calling the brown haired girl over. Would've been almost comical. 

That day, they had been discussing one of the producers for a variety show Airi had recently been on- in particular, one that highly misunderstood a pun she made, and got terribly flustered afterwards. The misunderstanding had lasted for several minutes, and Airi was trying her hardest to tell it in every little detail. Everything to keep that relaxed smile on Ena's face. But then-

“Oi, Ena”

The idol stopped her chatting, turning around to look at the origin of the voice. There, in all of his second year glory, stood Akito. A grin formed on Airi's face, already expecting some sort of shenanigan- after all, whenever the two Shinonome were in a five meter radius, something good was bound to happen. 

Instead, the moment Ena's eyes went over her brother, she visibly deflated, expression forced again.

What…?

Calmly, he walked over, giving her a small package. He looked a bit uneasy himself as his sister looked it over, inspecting it, then they looked at one another. After they exchanged a message in a language only they understood, he sighed. 

“... Some… teacher said dad had brought it to school. They saw what was inside and accidentally thought it was for me, that I had gotten in another fight, but… yeah. There it is”

Akito then started walking away- but stopped, turned around, and spoke in a tone so soft, so unlike him, that Airi thought he was a different person for a second. 

“Thank you, by the way. Don't- don't do that again, but thank you”

And he went off. 

Reeling from what she had witnessed, Airi had turned to look at Ena, a part of her unsettled by the exchange and another part curious about the box's interior. 

For a single, horrifying second, the older girl was holding a note. A simple piece of paper, but the words had frozen the air around them. 

“I'’m sorry”...? From… her dad? What-

As quickly as it was brought out, Ena had balled the note up, throwing it back inside the box, eyes a bit manic for a moment- before they dulled back to that empty sheen that Airi couldn't read. Her heart screamed. 

“... Sorry, Airi- I don't… I don't feel too good, I think I might go to the bathroom for… a while…”

The idol sprung into action, fully intent to question, to pry, to know what was going on and to dwell her worries, but her friend gave her a single look that seemed to yell “Please, don't” and she had frozen, remaining still in that garden. Frustrated tears welled up for a moment- how irrational- before she harshly wiped them off, and walked away. Even if her heart's screams had become wails and every instinct of hers was on high alert. 

Since those two major events, it all kept showing up in the small things. In the way Ena always wore long sleeves. In the way her eyes would be dull most of the time, but then she'd always smile at Airi with that irritating fake smile. In the way something was clearly off, was clearly happening, and yet she couldn't tell what. 

It was frustrating. It was horrifying. It was torture. 

And through it all, Airi felt so powerless. Unable to fight a foe she couldn't see, a threat she didn't know. She had come to the conclusion that it simply had to be something with Ena's father- the two never had a good relationship to begin with- but other than that, she was drawing a blank. And fuck, that hurt. 

Oh! How could she forget… in all of that, she was also caught into so much work she could barely come to school anymore, meaning their relationship was growing even more strained above whatever the hell Ena was dealing with, so even less chances to help, to simply be there-

Powerless. Utterly, completely powerless. The cherry on top? Her tiny feelings for her best friend hadn't changed at all. She was still hopelessly in love. Just to make her situation that little bit more dire, since the world seemed to really love her recently. 

Many, many times, after their shared kiss, Airi had thought to finally bring it up again. To force it out her throat. How hard could it possibly have been? Four little words:

Ena, I like you. 

Bam! Done! Clear and easy! But then every time she'd find excuses not to- the weather wasn't right, or the horoscope said that it wasn't her lucky day, or Ena would look a bit down and she'd rather sustain her than give her more weight on her shoulders or-

… Airi was, simply put, a coward. 

A powerless coward, however, could do scary things. Because they were growing apart- slowly, steadily, but they were growing apart. That's not good- not good at all! 

Some stupid movie, the evening before the fateful day, talked of a love story that didn't blossom. Two teenagers, both head over heels for one another, but then he moved out of town, and the two kept pining for one another. 

Maybe it was that- maybe it was Ena's pulling away, or her work growing heavier- but something had pushed her to invite her crush to the rooftop. To spill everything out. 

After classes, she had made her way there, despite her heart beating like crazy in her chest with every step she took up the stairs. 

You can do this. I can do this. 

When she opened the door, the sky was already tinted in the gentle orange of the sun setting. The air felt fresh, free- and there, leaning against the railing, was Ena herself. 

Selfishly, Airi swallowed, enjoying the view. How pretty her best friend looked- only getting prettier as the years went by. Fuck, she was down bad… 

Faking a confidence she didn't have, she walked next to her, leaning on the railing as well. Then, with a cough to signal her presence, she spoke up, voice a bit trembling. 

“... Sup.”

“Hi”

A flinch- bad start, there the empty tone went again- no, Airi, focus, don't chicken out! The idol fiddled with her thumbs, the words roaring on the tip of her tongue. 

Ena, I like you. 

“So, uh… Been a while since we've last hung out here, yeah?”

“It has”

… Ok, she really didn't sound like she felt good. Maybe confessing now wasn't the best of ideas- but then when? How many more times could Airi go “yes, another time”? Will the right one even come? She just had to force them out. 

Ena, I like you. 

“You said you had something to tell me, right?”

The idol snapped out of her trance, meeting the artist's face. Her brown eyes were locked on her pink ones, dull but paying attention. A chance. Her chance. She just had to say it. 

“Yeah! A-actually, well… We've been friends for a while, and the whole… fake-dating thing, and I couldn't help but want to tell you that… I…”

Ena, I like you. 

… But she couldn't do it. Because Airi Momoi was a coward. 

“I was curious about what you're going to do after we graduate! We probably won't see each other as much, and I doubt you want to keep it up still and… Oh, didn't you say you wanted to go to art school after this?”

The air stilled. Ena's expression shifted- slowly, and dread welled up in the idol's throat. She fucked up- how did she…? How could she have-

“... I… don't think I'll go to art school. I mean, I don't even…”

Pain. That was the thing Airi read in her friend's expression, and all of her inhibitions and ideas about confessing went over the railing. Definitely not the time, definitely not like that, definitely not when the person she was planning to confess to looked like a beaten puppy. 

In an instant, she was next to her, offering a hug. Her heart protested as her offer got promptly rejected. 

“Don't need a hug, it's fine. It's just… true, isn't it? I'm not fit to be an artist”

“That's not-!”

Why…? Why was she talking like that? She loved art! Ena would never, ever ever reject it! It was her whole life's goal! Why did she change ideas? Was it her father? Did he say something that-

Airi didn't know. And since she didn't know the cause of the hurt, she couldn't even help. Ena needed to let her in, but at that moment, on the rooftop, there was a wall that none of them seemed to know how to break. 

And worse still, a voice in the back of her mind kept telling her why she had even called the meeting up there. Time was running out. It was clear, work was piling up, the artist was withdrawing more and more, if she didn't act when she still had time, then she'd only be left picking up the pieces-

Ena, I like you. 

“Was… was there anything else you wanted to say, or did you just want to ask about my future? Because… sorry to disappoint, I'll just go to a normal school. You'll keep being an idol, right?”

The air was tense. So tense Airi struggled to breathe. Why did the whole exchange suddenly feel like a goodbye…? That's- that's ridiculous, there were still many months in front of them before graduation and-

Ena, I like you. 

-and they had kissed once, and they had been best friends or maybe more for so so so long and it had to mean something and it couldn't just end like that and-

Ena, I like you. 

-and Airi Momoi was a fucking coward. 

“Yeah, you bet on it! Can't stop my rise to fame now, y'know?”

Ena absorbed her words, then nodded, a sad smile on her face. She walked over, gently cupped Airi's cheek- doing little to calm the younger girl's aching heart- and then pulled away, giving her a hug. 

“... Please… Please, never let anyone dull your light, ok? For me”

The idol swallowed, heat flushing to her cheeks at the proximity, and nodded. For a while, Ena clung to her- they hugged, and it all felt too much like a goodbye- enough to make her sick-

Then, they had broken apart. Still with that sad smile that didn't quite reach her eyes, her crush began walking away. Away from her, from the rooftop, back home. 

Ena, I love you. 

… The two had stopped talking ever since. 

—

Leisurely hanging out in front of the new café that social media was going insane about, Airi was chewing gum, ego scrolling for MMJ news. She knew it was bad, really, she just didn't care. And she had been waiting for quite a long while… 

Years had passed since she dropped out of her old company and got dragged into forming More More Jump! by the bundle of sunshine otherwise known as Minori Hanasato. Years since her life had drastically changed- for the better, perhaps. Definitely never had been this happy while with her old group, where things felt a lot less like passion and more about corporate shit. Also, not having to pretend so much felt actually so good… And her teammates were actually legitimately awesome people to hang out with. Win-win. 

Most of the things she found were actual posts from their official account- announcements for shows, new streams, small merch drops… Airi was really proud of their pride series- tasteful, subtle, lesbian-coded for who wanted it to be. She knew her sexuality should never go public for… obvious reasons, for as much as that sucked… but no one stops them from being supportive! What’s bad about that, uh? Also Minori and Airi got an excuse to wear lesbian pins, and it was absolutely sick. 

Scrolling some more, she found some theories, fan art, people rambling- surprisingly only one horny dipshit! Impressive, truly, for once humanity didn’t betray her! Someone else sure was, though… 

“Where the fuck is she…”

Airi was patient, really she was, but 31 minutes late?? That’s objectively a lot of time to be late! Like, seriously late! Did she get caught in train traffic? Is that a thing that happens? Definitely not going to worry about her, but still… The idol was going to leave if she didn’t pop up in 3, 2, 1…

“I’m here! I’m here! Sorry I’m late!”

Finally… 

Her eyes flitted up, barely quickly enough to manage seeing Ena stumble, and Airi summoned all her willpower not to laugh. It was harder than she thought, especially since her friend immediately turned beet red, mumbling about something so quickly the idol got about ⅓ of what she said, so the laughter quickly became impossible to contain. 

The artist looked absolutely betrayed. Offended, her hand met Airi's shoulder, and the laughter became cackles, much to Ena's horror. The expression she made was absolutely priceless, so the situation only kept escalating. 

When it finally died down to an amused smile and nothing more, the idol looked up to see her best friend really really close to committing murder- but then she noticed the flicker of amusement in her eyes, and her own softened. 

Finally composed again (her cheeks were still a bit red, Airi noticed, but decided not to comment on it), Ena spoke up.

“... I hate you. Can we go inside already? I'm starving, and you're not helping by being an insufferable bitch”

“Excuse you, I'm absolutely fabulous and you're just too jelly to notice”

“Never said you weren't fabulous.” The door opened, and she made her way in “I'm a fabulous bitch all the time”

By the time they had found a seat and Airi had excused herself to the bathroom to throw away her gum, Ena had already ordered for both, so she took a second to appreciate the view. 

As always, her friend's fashion choices were absolutely fantastic. Her hair was as perfect as always, and the tank top she had chosen? Airi was definitely going to bore her to death until she spilled the beans on where she bought it. 

The light from the window hit her face just right, softening her features into nothing short of beautiful, better work than any make-up could ever do. 

And Airi's heart didn't flutter a single bit. 

“Say, how's things with Mizuki? You mentioned you two started dating last month, but you've been gushing less about them now than when you were just pining”

Ena blinked, her expression softening further, and the idol felt affection well up in her chest at the sight. She looked so pretty while in love… Distantly, Airi wondered if she made the same look while looking at Shizuku, but decided on not dwelling on it- last thing she needed was giving her friend ammunition for future teasing. 

“Me and Mizuki? It's… going well, yeah. We had the worst confession ever, but we're working now, y'know? I'm really happy I didn't give up on them…”

“Still can't believe you ran three whole miles after them”

“Shut up! Our argument was very emotional!”

“While screaming their name. Surprised no one stopped you-!”

Sbam. 

Ears the color of a ripe tomato, the artist had slammed her hand on the cafe table hard enough to make several onlookers turn to look at them. Airi would've burst out laughing right then and there, but decided to keep her composure. 

After all, they weren't just hanging out for leisure or to discuss Ena's new dating life. Or Airi's, for that matter. They both knew it- like, the idol had personally insisted on hanging out, just the two of them, so it was painfully clear she wanted to talk about something important. 

So, with a deep breath and ignoring the tremor in her hands as the food arrived, she forced her voice to work. 

“Ena. We need to talk about that day”

The silence that followed was the type of silence you'd be able to hear a clover's leaf detach from its plant, from how quiet it was. Ena's own hands stilled, eyes suddenly locked on Airi's. They both knew what day she was talking about. 

Without giving her a chance to stop her or, worse, letting fear freeze her up again, Airi went on. 

“I- I know we had agreed on saying it meant absolutely nothing, but- that kiss didn't mean nothing for me, ok? It really, really didn't-”

There she went, cheeks tinting red, as all her composure threatened to fracture. Her mind went into overdrive, too, but she didn't dare stop. She kept it inside way too long. 

You're with Shizuku now. She's with Mizuki. You're both happy. Why are you bringing this up now? Do you want to ruin everything between you again? 

“I… Really, really liked you back then. Like- I think I loved you, even. I- I just never told you and-”

“Airi”

The idol's eyes snapped on Ena's face, expecting disgust, hate, something. Instead, she found something awfully close to grief, and her heart stopped in recognition. 

“... You… too…?”

A nod. Airi froze, staring right at her, her entire self freezing for a few moments as she processed the weight of that revelation. Reciprocated. Her feelings- the things she had marked as wrong and unrequited and stupid- and Ena felt the same. All that fucking time. 

She didn't know whether to laugh or cry at the thought. 

After the silence stretched a bit longer, both staring at their food but not touching it, Ena finally broke it with a sigh. Her tone was awfully serious. 

“I… I wasn't ready. Sorry. I- I figured, too, but my depression was being such a bitch back then and- And I couldn't bear the idea of tying you down to me”

“You wouldn't have tied me down to you!”

Her voice had risen up in volume, suddenly reanimated by that statement. Ena had already explained to her about her depression and everything, but to think that she blamed herself for not being ready for a relationship back then just hurt something Airi didn't even know could hurt. But the artist's look, so soft and understanding, froze Airi in her tracks. 

“I… I know that. Like- now I know, not back then- but the thing is… Maybe we just weren't meant to be, y'know?”

The idol processed her words, quiet. In a single heartbeat, she thought of the future they could've had. A future where maybe Airi understood Ena's condition earlier, and instead of burying herself in work, she would've remained close enough to notice, to help, to be there. Have enough courage to stand up, and confess on that rooftop. To kiss her again, that fateful day, over and over until they'd have lost count. 

She thought of maybe going to live together, somewhere else. They'd get a cat- one of the hypoallergenic ones so that Airi's allergy wouldn't bite her in the ass- and they'd take care of it. Of coming home, getting on her tiptoes to kiss Ena home, and Ena would've bent down to meet her halfway. Of holding her lover when the bad voices grew loud again, so that she'd never think of wanting to kill herself. 

… But then, her thoughts returned to Shizuku. To that girl, on the first day of idol tryouts, who had been completely lost. Who Airi despised, because she just seemed so perfect and everyone liked her better. The horror she had felt when she learnt they'd be in the same class, despite Shizuku being absolutely ecstatic at the thought. 

They went to the first time she met Minori, with her dreams and her light, and the way More More Jump! was born. The way how, for once, everything seemed to finally make sense. The way everything felt way lighter. 

She remembered the long walk under the moonlight, the hands who held hers and told her that they weren't something to be ashamed of. The way one day- she couldn't even pinpoint the right one- her heart started fluttering next to Shizuku, and her beauty felt less like a threat and more like a gift. 

When their lips had met for the first time, both of them terribly flustered but happy, and the way Haruka had mockingly whistled and mumbled about it being “about time”. The way everything, for once, had felt perfectly right. 

Maybe Ena was right- the first one was a fantasy, and a really good one at that, but… When Airi thought of what she had now, she didn't miss it as much as we probably would've had years ago. 

Fundamentally, they might be the same people, but they took different paths. Ena found Mizuki in long night calls, Airi found Shizuku through daily practices and streams. They probably couldn't get back together even if they wanted to. 

They were lines, running next to one another. So close to being parallel, and yet they happened to meet once- but only once, straying forever. Bound to travel somewhere else. 

And, paradoxically, Airi found herself thinking she's glad things went the way they went. No reason for crying over the past, no? And at least, she finally got closure… 

So, with a small smile, her voice came out way steadier and more affectionately than she planned to, but she couldn't bring herself to care. 

“... Yeah, you're right”