Work Text:
The Blight had ravenously had their fill on most of Europe. Countless hordes swept through defenses, took loved ones, and left no mercy. It only got hungrier.
One fateful day in July of 1815, an American ship, the USS Constitution, docked in the foggy harbor of Roscoff, France. I don't know how it docked because I don't know anything about ships.
Footsteps creaked against the moist wood on the deck, then transferred to the worn-down dock right next to it. Out of the ship came out:
A Polish musician. With one sabre on his waist belt and a single fife. This fucking idiot somehow got there. I don't know how, you should ask him.
He dusted off his white coat for a moment, then made his way to the mainland. On the way, he started to play Kalina Malina, an absolute banger to him and to me. However, runners really hate fifers so of course they charged at him full speed. Rookie mistake smh
Of course this fool gets tackled to the ground. He cried out in agonizing pain.
"help help im polish and i cant get out" he lowkey screamed.
"ok" Sweetpea says, who is a self insert. She types in "/restore" and the Polsih guy is free.
But the runners just fucking tackle him again. Oh yeah and a zapper axed him too.
"bro" the idiot polish musician say.
"oh mb"
So sweatbee typed in /togglethinking and /restore, and the polished guy is free again with full health.
"thanks swedish" he says.
"yeah youre welcome you fucking idiot"
"what did you say"
"oh nothing just go"
"ok" Pool noodle went to the ladder on the top and jumped down because he doesn't have to worry about stupid runners (the uglitest zombies ever btw)
He then played more Kalina Malina and went into that one room with the anchor. He used the anchor to break open that door and then he sees Jean on the other side of the gate.
"what" polish idiot questions. bro is inquisitive 🤨 🤨 🤨 🤨 🤨 🤨
"raghhhh raaahagggggg" jean said while reaching an arm out becuase hes a blight.
"mane shut your google chrome flip phone ancient rome chicken bone 😹" nail polish packed, then stabbed jean with his sabre, so this means jean no longer says raghh raaahh.
Polish idiot picked up the note but he doesn't understand french so he tucks it under his czapka and skips to the wagon blocking the road.
"im not pulling that" polish says.
"bro just pull it" Sweetpea says.
"can you skip objective" he asks polishly.
"let me try"
Sweetpea types in /skipobj but the fucking chucklefuck wagon didn't fucking move.
"bro" car polish backflips in disapointment.
"woah thats a new feature" sweetpea observes. "ok bro, adenosine triphosphate (atp) just pull the wagon out or you're getting smited"
"maam yes maam" the idiot pole goes to the wagon pull part and he pulls it in 3 sec using exploits.
"brolish youre gonna get me banened i have old guard and aateotw"
Duchy of Warsaw pulled out his fife and played Kalina Malina and skipped joyously to the church.
Inside, the Scared French Soldier heard the song outside and already started to block the door so no knock prompt showed up because there was no point.
Scared front sold house said some stuff in angry French, so idiot polish didn't understand a single word and he just kept playing Kalina Malina. Franch sword got fed up because he thinks fifes are annoyig and started to ring the bell already. Polish didnt take it to heart and kept playing Kalina Malina.
Due to the deevolution of humans' attention span, Sweetpea typed "/skipobj" which allowed polish idiot to push open the door quickly. Scared French Soldier goes to his Scared French corner because French is his middle name.
Polish mousebrain bars the doors shut as he heard soldier's grating pathetic voice plea for his life.
"its ok i wont kill you" polish dum dum says. He reached into his czapka and pulled out Jean's note. "can u read this"
France took the note and read it. "oh so basically-"
Poland then spams W and S in front of the soldier and walks out playing Kalina Malina. In the church there's no british so he just goes under.
Under where??
"BOIIII SHE JSUT MADE YOU SAY UNDERWEAR 😹" Polish albert epstein and nikola tesla says. He makes it to the gate and has to pull it up and he somehow does it while playing Kalina Malina.
He gets the gate open but he stops to ponder.
"wait so genuinely why am i here" he idiotically asks.
"you have to save crawford" Sweetpea says.
"whos crawfard"
out of the fucking sudden, a fucking chuckelfuck white pigeon appears out of fucking nowhere and lands on his fucking shoudler. "crawfod is the diplomat from the U.S., you gotta save him"
"oh ok. you're a cute pigeon can i keep you"
"no" says someone else. it was some russian surgeon with gold, shoulder-length curly hair and rose-tinted glasses that Sweetpea got him from aateotw.
"Who is this 😂" says warsaw musician idiot.
"Radimir WHAT are you doing here" Sweetpea exclaims.
"wait am i not supposed to be here" radimir asks russianly.
Sweetpea types in "/abduct" and radimir evaporates. the white pigeon too (her name is kashmira isnt she cute).
"that was weird" idiot says.
"yeah he's one of my ocs hes great. do you want me to yap about him for the rest of the fic"
"fuhh nahhhh 😹" kalina malina spammer makes his way to the attic where crwaford is. he gingerly looks around until he gets an idiot hemorrhage from the fake china dropped on his idiot head.
"oh crap sorry im sorry" crawford apologized idiotically. then he realized this wasn't an albert einstein american marine it was a albert epstein polish idiot musician.
"Who is this 😹😹😹😹😹😹😹" crawford asked.
Musician said, "a little birdie told me youre crawford so come with me"
Polish musician suddenly had an overwhelming maternal instinct for crowfard.
He used Kalina Malina like a mother bird calling to her fledglings and led crowfart out of the farmhouse. Crawfan was enthralled by the sound slightly so he followed.
"so like where is the frigate" crawford asked crawfardly.
Polish mortician communicated using the fife and still played fucking Kalina Malina.
"you docked it???" crowads frontflipped in exclamation.
Pool noddle trilled a high Eb on the fife to say yeah.
"are we smart today" crowfart asked. "now i get what sweetpea was talking about"
like a proper mother, idiot polish fool urged crawford up the ladder in that one shed becuase he was worried. he got a bunch of canisters and roundshots (roundshots suck never use them) and put them in a hole near the wood barrier and blew it all up. he did all this playing Kalina Malina btw.
Crawford jumped down from the shelf and eagerly followed the Kalina Malina. On the way to the dock, he tried to make conversation.
"so like do you talk at all or"
Polish musician just kept playing the fife. This guy has really good air control wow
"chat is my mic muted 😹😹😹😹😹" crawfat says. he slaps his knee in laughter and it takes a quarter of his health away.
Eventually the idiotic duo made it to the ship. crow climbed up some rope on the boat because the little bebeh is afriad.
all the other objectives were fine except for the capstan one.
"sweetpea help im polish i cant do this capstan alone"
"just do it while playing kalina malina" Sweetpea says. on her other monitor she starts playing another game becuase the capstan takes long.
"fine" Mousebrain polishian fifer pushes the capstan in 2 seconds because he used exploits.
"bro i didn't even finish blinking" Sweetpea scolded.
"its faster though" polish fifer said.
"this is intolerable" crawrford said.
"yeah what he siad" sweetpea added.
after pushing the boat off the dock, polish musician idoit played some more kalina malina while walking around the deck because nothing was fucking happening. because if you are albert einstein then you would rember that zombie thinking is turned off.
eventually roscoff was beaten. it was really easy.
"good job maybe your idiotic ways helped us" sweetpea added.
"aw shucks thanks" polih said.
"yeah" crawfor jumped down from the rope, doing a 360 as well.
suddenly, polish was given a minigun.
Sweetpea also typed in "/friendlyfire"
"kill crawford" sweat bee
"wait no" crawrford said.
"ok" pool killed crawford using the minigun.
"oh yeah btw" polish added. "what game were you playing while i did the capstan"
"oh nothig special" sweetpea added.
"ok"
Suddenly polish idiot was smited and sweetpea became bored. she had a great idea and went to her room with her laptop and started to write a story based on all of this.