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He had really done it now; Xavier had finally pushed you to the very end of your wits. He yet again went on another leave to who knows where, not so much as a goodbye nor a notice. The first few times he had done this, you let it slide, and you tried being understanding, but this had gone too far. He had left for an entire month.
The first few weeks of waiting, you told yourself not to pry, but when the text message no longer became texts but just a barricade of blue bubbles, when even Jeremiah wasn’t answering your calls and worse, when your anniversary was approaching.
You were worried about a lot of things, notably whether he was safe and whether he’d come back to you in one piece, preferably alive and on time.
Xavier isn’t that kind of guy; he would never blow important milestones in your life. You were sure that he’d show up sooner or later, you just didn’t know when, nor did you know what face you’d be making once he did return.
It was a bad afternoon. But if you thought about it more, it was more like a really bad week all piling up into this one afternoon.
Not only were you pms’ing, but you were also working overtime after a mysterious tip helped successfully bust a large case your team had been solving at the hunters association,
The celebration was big, so much so that your whole team had been celebrating for hours on end as you would try to preserve the very last bits of social energy to socialize.
It’s times like these that you really missed Xavier the most. You missed your afternoon naps, or how, when you’d arrive home, he’d already be going through both of your usual routines. It was times like these that you really missed your rock, Xavier, but alas, here you were trying to keep afoot for the both of us, despite still being angry at him for the time being.
You were on your balcony, taking in the chilly night air, resting your head in your arms as you listened to some music and attempted at what you called ‘’meditating’’ to try and recoup from your day. That’s when you suddenly heard faint chirping around you, getting louder and louder. The persistent noise was enough to catch your attention, causing you to look up from your hands. It was Alarm Clock and Fatso, the pet birds Xavier had always been feeding.
“Look at you guys..nothing but bones,” you said, going out to pet one of the heads of the bickering birds. With Xavier gone, Fatso is just a medium-obtused bird, and that definitely wasn’t as catchy.
“We can’t have that now, can we?” you say, speaking to the birds for solace, getting up and heading towards your door.
Breaking into Xaviers apartment is lightwork, if you knew him, you’d know his passcode was your birthday secured with his own fingerprint, and if you knew him even more, you’d know he keeps a old fashioned traditional key wedged inside his door, behind the apartments number plate.
You unlocked his door with ease, getting a fresh whiff of Xavier's scent all over his apartment. You refrained from entering his apartment during his month long leave, mostly because all his stuff were already at yours anyways, but also because this place was mostly all the stuff you didn’t use that Xavier brought up so it wouldn’t impede your living space.
But now that just made you miss him even more.
You fed Fatso and Alarm Clock, joining them on the balcony, heading back inside to quickly leave before noticing cups of ramen shoved off into the distance. Odd considering no one had been here in a while, and the cups, though polished clean, still had traces of food and instant noodles, both of which hadn’t gone rancid or dried yet. That only meant one thing: Xavier had been here. And from what you could tell, he had visited several times.
Several times where he could've given you a heads-up, to at least make himself known, but didn't. Several times, he was more than able to answer your text, where he could come in to have a chat, and yet he didn't. And you were infuriated.
You sat on his couch, staring out at the door. You didn't care how many hours you’d have to wait, how many days you’d be taking off of work, all that you knew was that you weren't leaving this couch until you had a good look at his stupid face.
Luckily, not for long, since only after a couple of minutes, a banged-up, bruised and thankfully not bloody Xavier stumbled along from the entryway. Holding himself on the door, clutching his abdomen.
You sat there on his couch, arms and legs crossed as you stared him down, disappointed, making yourself known by lighting the room with the ambient lamp next to you.
“Starlight..” he said, straightening himself up.
“I didn’t think-”
“Save it,” you quickly cut him off. Getting up from the couch, storming into the bathroom, Xavier followed suit, shutting up almost immediately.
We stood in an agonizing silence, the sound of your carelessness rummaging through his bathroom echoing across the apartment as Xavier watched you.
You yanked his wrist, pushing him onto the couch.
“Baby I-” he began, ultimately deciding it was futile in your angry state, and he was right to think that.
No coaxing, no babying, no pleading could break through your anger. You didn’t know what face you were making, but whatever it was, you made sure Xavier couldn’t see it, no matter how hard he searched for your eyes.
You tended his cuts, assessing no major damage to him, who were you kidding, it’s literally Xavier.
When you finished wrapping the practically suffocating and unnecessary bandages, you and Xavier sat there in silence. You sat inches apart from him, which was unnatural since most times when you two would be on a couch, you’d almost naturally find yourselves in each other's arms, but after months of radio silence, the tingling in your skin, burning and itching to feel his skin was bearable to say the least.
What could you say at this moment? Surely you rehearsed for days on end what you’d tell him, but right now nothing came to mind. You were simply angry. You glanced at him, and he was already looking at you, analyzing your features before quickly glancing away after you caught him.
He cleared his throat, ultimately getting up to change his clothes
“Talk to me when you're ready,” he said, itching the back of his head.
All you could feel at that moment was disheartened.
“When I’m ready?” you scoffed. “Seems like you're the one that's not ready.’’ You exclaimed ''The least you could owe is an explanation,” you snap back.
He froze in his path, averting his gaze elsewhere
“I’ll tell you soon.. it's just..”
“Let me guess. You’d tell me, but you won't.”
“But I can't," he corrected, a slight sternness in his tone, so slight yet enough to ignite a cesspool of rage building up in your heart.
''I'm tired. Goodbye, Xavier,'' you say in a rage, leaving him alone.
***
The next couple of days that followed had been excruciating. You don't know why you were trying so hard to avoid him; the angry man in you couldn’t help but want to be mad. Maybe only then would he feel at least a portion of the anguish and anxiety you felt for being left for a whole month.
For the following days, you avoided him like the plague, even deciding to stay over at Tara’s for several nights, only returning after running out of spare clothes.
The apartment was serene; it was past midnight since you decided to take the scenic route home on foot instead of having to take public transport.
Removing your boots, you let out a deep sigh of relief, thinking you had the place all to yourself, where you could finally relieve and deep dive into the feelings you had been suppressing ever since you left Xavier in his living room.
That was before you realized you weren't alone. In fact, sitting on your couch, in the complete dark, there sat Xavier in your living room, staring pensively at nothing, clearly zoned out, before looking up to meet your gaze. It was as if the tables had turned, except he didn’t look angry.
He just sat there, his eyes tired with an evident sag; it seemed he hadn’t slept, which was odd since you used to always rave about how his skin effortlessly shone even when being put through hell. But you didn’t care. Why should you worry? It’s not like it tugged at your heartstrings seeing your usual princely, perfect boyfriend, suddenly dishevelled in your absence. Serves him right.
You passed by his figure, entering your home, since after all, you own the place.
''Where were you?’’ he said from the couch.
''Out,’’ you said, keeping your nonchalance as you walked to the kitchen
''At this hour?’’ he said, his voice frustrated and much lower as if it was a warning. You could've sworn it was 2 octaves lower than it usually was.
''Got carried away. No bus running.'' That was a lie; in fact, a midnight bus had passed and stopped near you to ask if you wanted a ride, which you promptly refused. But hey, at least you got home in one piece. You're an A-grade hunter after all.
You threw your bag across the counter before rummaging through your kitchen for any sort of snack you could plop into your mouth.
''Where have you been staying these past few days?’’
''Well, here of course-I replied as I rehearsed at Tara’s house, answering before he quickly cut me off.
''You didn't come home once this week.’’ He said, as a suffocating silence came over the atmosphere.
Of course, he’d know, and he probably sat on that couch for the entire week waiting, like a madman.
''Did you eat?’’ he asked ''I ordered takeout.'' It was as if he knew you’d be back today, and that oddly endeared you as much as it gave chills, but you weren’t gonna forget about what he did to you.
''I did actually.’’ A blatant lie. You hadn't, and he probably knew and was trying to play along with your little games. Not that you minded, Xavier deserved a little challenge anyway.
''In fact, Charlie gave me some freshly baked bread.’’ you lied again, of course, pulling out the baker boy next door as far-fetched leverage; nonetheless, the reaction on his face was worth it.
You watched as his brows doubled in knots, dropping his head back to look at the floor. An indiscernible look of disbelief in his face mixed with the vulgar display of his tense jaw as he bit his lip in frustration. From your angle, the moon lit the still-dark living room so that you could clearly see the way his Adam's apple bobbed when he gulped hard, his legs spread open in a manspread. All that considering his dishevelled appearance? How lewd.
You could tell you were being petty, but the rage you felt couldn’t even amount to the number of days you spent lamenting and worrying over him. It's only fair that he got a taste of his own medicine…Right? No more crying first and getting told over and over the same white lies; things had to change.
''I’m off to bed, make sure to close the lights when you're done,’’ you say, grabbing yourself a bottle of wine and sneaking it into the back of my shirt.
When you turned around from the fridge, he was already standing right behind you, causing you to run into him, perfect for him to back you into a corner.
''Starlight, there's no use lying. I know you didn't visit him,'' he says with certainty, bringing up the excuse you had already forgotten. It was as if he knew your every move, only asking as a formality. There is no getting away from him. It's him who leaves you, as always. And that made your blood boil.
You scoff, irritation clear on your face as he had between him and the fridge, having a firm grip on your wrist, taking the bottle of wine off your hands before placing his hands on your hips.
His face was angled so it was close to yours, as if he was leaning into a kiss that he was holding himself back from giving, as if he willingly withheld himself to torture himself for leaving you. He analyzed every single feature of your face, like trying to soothe himself, not daring to even try to look into your eyes out of shame.
He was really pushing your buttons. The nerve of this man to come back after radio silence, and then pull off these stunts.
''Let's talk, Love.’’ He said, still looking away.
''About what?’’ You replied, feigning ignorance.
''Please..let's not fall asleep angry.’’ He pleaded, this time finally meeting your stern gaze, a pitiful look was displayed, and only then did you notice the tiredness etched into every wrinkle in his frown that he usually never got. But that wasn't gonna fix this unresolved anger in you; you still had anger simmering in you.
''Oh really? Where was that logic when I was falling asleep by myself, staying up late, torturing myself to wait and wait in this desolate place in the off chance that I’d see you.’’
You paused, looking up to force the incoming tears threatening to fall. ''For goodness sake, Xavier, I thought you were dead!’’ You spilled out
''You didn't say goodbye, you didn't…you didn't, at least tell me you were okay,’’ you said, your voice cracking a little. He had been gone for so long, you feared the worst, and that's what tortured you for so long.
''Xavie, I searched the stars, begging for a sign from you. I waited and waited, and even when Jeremiah stopped replying to me. Come to realize I was a bad girlfriend all along since Xavier wasn't gone, he was in the apartment right above, ignoring me!’’ you say, yanking your wrist from his grip, ready to storm off once again.
''Starlight, I only came back to check up on you. I really did try to contact you, but time was pricey. Every minute counted out there. Every minute where I could've slipped up, where I could've given away my position.’’ he said, trailing you from behind, his voice straining as it pushed past the lump in his throat to desperately reach your ears.
''I was a walking danger. And I just..I just didn't want to lose you, and even then, I was selfishly returning to check if you were alive. Because that's all that matters to me! ’’ He says, lacing his arms around you, breathing in your scent as if to confirm it was really you,
Although the hug from behind was firm, you could tell by the way he jolted at your movements, even his hug was cautious, as if he was posing a question to know whether you were really permitting him to keep holding you close.
He finally rested his head in the crook of your neck, dropping the weight of his body by a half.
''Please..’’ he whispered faintly, acting like a man who hadn’t slept in days, his hands travelling your back like someone who had been starved and was aching to feel you all this time.
He didn’t care that you weren’t giving back anything in return, so long as he could just enjoy your existence for a little while longer.
That's how Xavier was; everything he ever does is for what he thinks is your own good. He is blindly chivalrous, always self-sacrificing, always endangering himself with no regard for himself if it means keeping your essence alive. As much as that had its perks, it was his greatest flaw that you could neither love nor hate. It was a grey area that left too much yet so little room for your heart and brain to try and battle out, and it hurt to know your heart was already forgiving him when your brain couldn't.
''Why Xavier?’’ you said, pushing him off you, his hands extended in the air, as if to preserve whatever feeling of your skin was left.
''Why do you keep leaving me in the dark?” you say, finally letting stuff off your chest, you could feel yourself growing sappier and sappier.
“How many more times do I have to put up with this?” you say, Xavier's silence, looking up at you with a pained expression on his face, a look so genuine enough to push you to your limit.
“Don't you dare use that dirty trick of yours. You think a cute boyish grin is all it takes for me to forget?” you said, watching as he recoils a bit in shame. You were right after all.
“I continuously bite my tongue as I let you go off and gallivant your way into the night, and you still expect me to be….okay with this?” you say, ranting on and on, walking around into the living room, as he obediently followed, letting you scold him.
He still kept quiet. “You lie. You keep secrets, and you disappear on me. I'm sick of it, Xavier, I'm sick of this!” You throw a pillow from the couch at him. “Who knows what you could be doing, for Pete's sake? I am your girlfriend!’’
When he fails to respond, you couldn't help but continue to speak your mind.
''You constantly say it's to protect me, but I don't need protecting. It's more like you're trying to protect me from knowing about someone else that you're covering for’’
And although you both knew Xavier was much too loyal to do that, it's what made him react the most. Mustv’e struck a nerve.
''Oh? So maybe it is? Is it maybe that girl Jeremiah talks about in your backtracker stories that I can't even manage to get out of my own boyfriend's mouth!’’
He looked at me, pained, as if words were trying to come out of his mouth yet failed to escape his still-closed mouth.
“It was probably her right.” You said, hurting him at the core, yet regretting every word coming out of your mouth.
You don't know what your talking about, questioning Xavier's loyalty was out of question, because to the extent of your knowledge, you were well aware of his undying devotion that Jeremiah claimed ‘transcended time and space for you’, and yet here you were, using it against him to twist his words, to hurt him, to make you feel the pain you felt. Xavier being the blunt of your feelings, a crash dummy for your pent-up worries and lamenting packaged into an angry spitball of fire.
''Starlight, you know that's not the case.’’ He said, stepping forward, intruding on the barrier you had created for yourself.
“Well do I know? You never tell me anything!'' You burst out ''It’s always I'll tell you next time, or you'll understand some day, but I can't keep being in the dark, Xavier!’’
“Starlight,” he declared, rubbing his temples, massaging a developing migraine from forming. “You've said enough, it's clear we are not in our right minds to be arguing,” he said, rubbing the bridge of his nose, backing away, causing you to take his gesture as an intent to flee, reigniting your fury and desperation.
You don't know what you were doing anymore; you could feel the regret from the future you as you flailed around like a babbling idiot, only trying to continue arguing.
''So you're just giving up?’’ You say accusingly, throwing out words to get him to argue back, because at least then his reactions meant it wasn't a one-sided fight.
''That's not what I meant!’’ He exclaimed, raising his voice, the first time in forever, the last time being when you recklessly dove into danger without consulting your team, your partners and especially him.
He grabs your wrist, forcing you to face him. He wasn’t going to let you leave now that you made it clear that you still had some petty talking to do.
“You're a liar.” You proclaimed as he gently readjusted his grip on your wrist.
“I know that,” he said, as you felt a lump in your throat form. His tone was increasingly becoming strained as he started choking up on his words.
“I hate you,” you said with certainty
“You don't mean that,” he replied, reaching for your face
“I don't want to see you ever again,” you continued as he began to wipe away the tears welling up, cradling your head in silence as you tried to recoup
You pushed him off, but you couldn't get far as he quickly held you back, embracing you from behind.
After all, you didn’t want this, he didn't want this. And you knew all too well that this argument was no longer about him going off the grid but rather the start of a tiny crack of insecurity and doubt, festering that snowballed into pent-up insecurities, finally exploding under the perfect catalyst.
You were scared, not of him, of course not, but of what he could do to your heart.
If his leaving for a month was enough to disrupt your entire system. It was the thought of him disappearing once more, without a word, but this time never coming back. You weren't ready for that kind of heartbreak, and to save you guys–but mostly you, the heartbreak you would rather break it off on your own terms, maybe then you could control the damage better. Yet at the moment, what couldn’t be controlled was your heart and its aching desire to be held by Xavier.
Though you initially didn’t want to be held, you let him hold you, standing still, relishing the skin-to-skin contact, his chest offering support on your back as you allowed him to rest his head on your shoulders.
What were you guys even arguing about at this point? You didn't know, neither did he, but all that he knew was that he was in the wrong.
He was gone for so long, you missed him so much, but he missed you as well, and you knew Xavier way too well to know he wasn’t a cold-hearted stoic jerk; he had his reasons, and he never fails to give you the information that he can, since after all, it was for your own good. Because you’ve seen Xavier, and he sees you.
For an extended amount of time, you both stood still in your living room, letting him rest his head on your shoulder, as you felt the fabric of your shirt around your shoulders progressively become wet.
Xavier was crying.
''Please, my love.. my guiding starlight. Don’t leave again,’’ he begged as if recalling a time where you did, but just did not remember.
This was the first time Xavier had ever truly held on to something this hard. In the past, he would've let you leave, always thinking it was better to watch people leave if it meant protecting them, as he did with everyone he loved. But he’s grown, he’s changed, and he learned that if you want something, you have to be a little more selfish–you have to hold onto it.
‘’I'm done hiding. I'm sorry, Starlight.’’
This was your closure. Your reassurance for your month-long doubts and worries, worries of your worth and questions if he truly did love you, because it's clear he does love you.
The month in his absence had been so shrouded in anguish and frustration, you had begun to forget how it was after all, Xavier's own way of protecting you and the things he loves, shouldering all the burdens as he usually does.
You break free from his hold, to only then turn to face him, opening your arms to embrace him, to which he leapt at the invite.
''You're such an idiot.’’ You simply put, through blurry vision, meekly hit his chest
''I know’’
''Tell me next time’’ you sobbed, as he wiped your tears while you were wiping his, caressing his cheek with your thumb, a pout evident on his face, as well as his puffed-up eyes, puffier than yours.
Like a wet sponge trying to clean up a water spill in the grocery aisle, It couldn't help but elicit a laugh from both of you, your breaths intermingling, before the air settled down, as Xavier leaned down to place a soft but brief kiss onto your lips, pulling away to get a good look at you, before you pulled him back in deepening it.
''Did you sleep at all when I left?’’
''Not a wink.’’
''We should get to that then,’’ you say, as he slumps onto you, causing both of you to collapse onto the couch, the ideal spot for a good nap after a long day month.
''I missed you, starlight’’ he whispered into your ear
I missed you, too, bunny.