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"Yuu-chan, what am I to you?"
That question had been lingering in Yushi's mind ever since Riku had asked it. Ever since that night at Shotaro's party, when Yushi had made a jealous scene seeing Sion pin Riku against the wall, desperately seeking his lips.
"You're... my best friend," he lied. It was easier to lie, to avoid pushing Riku away.
"You're lying," Riku's voice sounded completely weary, as if they'd already had this conversation more than once.
And they had. They had talked about it on more than one occasion.
After their first kiss, at Riku's request, outside the school, in that small passageway along the side of the building that led to a vacant lot, they had walked hand in hand, though Yushi wanted to pull away because he thought his hands were too sweaty.
When they reached the vacant lot, which had tall grass, graffiti on the wall belonging to the institution, old bottles, and empty cigarette packs, they stood in the center.
Riku gently cupped Yushi's face in his hands, and the younger boy felt how large they were when he was held so tightly that Yushi felt his legs tremble slightly. He was being held only by those calloused hands from playing volleyball every afternoon after school. This afternoon had been just for him.
"Yuu-chan," Riku began in that lovely tone of voice that Yushi loved. "Can I kiss you?"
The question caught him completely off guard. Although they were usually close, they had never gone beyond... whatever that meant.
Yushi didn't know whether to answer. He wanted to tell Riku that he could do anything he wanted with him, that he was completely Riku's. But the words caught in his throat in a pitiful gasp that made Riku laugh.
"That's not a yes, my Yuu-chan," Riku exclaimed, smiling.
Yushi cleared his throat with difficulty and finally spoke;
"Yes, you can..." He stopped himself before saying something he would later regret.
What followed falls into the category of the top five moments with Riku, a mental list made by Yushi.
Riku slowly closed his eyes and slowly approached Yushi, who closed his eyes tightly for a moment before feeling Riku's lips pressed against his. They were warm, with the strawberry flavor of a lipstick Yushi had bought Riku the week before.
Yushi's hands, unsure where to go, moved very slowly to Riku's narrow waist. He had felt it several times, of course, whenever Riku hugged him or sat on his lap, asking Yushi to hold him. But at that moment it felt like something new. A new sensation blossoming in his chest from that simple action.
They separated just seconds later. Yushi slowly opened his eyes and found Riku smiling at him with that smile that disarmed him every time he saw it, his profile shimmering gold in the rays of the setting sun. He looked magical.
It was the only word Yushi could find in his head, which could only process that image of Riku.
"Yuu-chan, what am I to you?" Riku asked for the first time.
"You're..." My everything, my being, what I long for most in the world, what I want to see every day, who I want to spend my whole life with... "My best friend."
Riku's smile changed to a sad one, and his hands slid down to Yushi's shoulders, squeezing them as he looked down at the ground, this time the sun shining directly on his face.
Yushi had never regretted his words so much.
Although that night, his thoughts got the better of him.
What if Riku had only done that as a test? Why had he asked for that kiss? Did he know how Yushi felt? Was Yushi being too obvious?
That night, he fell asleep at four in the morning.
...
The whistle blew, signaling the end of the volleyball match Yushi had been watching. It was the semifinals, and Yushi had come solely to see Riku. That was all that mattered to him.
Yushi wasn't usually a fan of volleyball. The only sport he truly cared about was soccer. Because he felt a thrill every time he ran after the ball and scored a goal. Because after each goal, he'd look at the stands and see Riku, smiling and celebrating with Sakuya, but celebrating for him.
Riku didn't know it explicitly, but every goal Yushi had scored was dedicated solely to him.
But now he was in the gym's stands, watching Riku, in his setter position, block and set up every shot for another point. Likewise, he shone in every rotation, never missing a single mistake.
And God... When Riku gave instructions, he looked so damn good that Yushi blushed. Riku's brow furrowed as he listened to the coach's instructions, wiping the sweat from his brow with the Kuromi towel Yushi had given him. Yushi was blushing furiously.
"Okay, you're making me uncomfortable, Yushi-kun." Sakuya's voice pulled him from his thoughts. "Could you stop staring at your boyfriend like that, okay?"
"He's not my boyfriend," Yushi muttered under his breath, looking down, missing the point Riku's team had just scored.
"Yeah, right. And I'm green."
Yushi raised an eyebrow at Sakuya's comment.
"I thought we were lying."
Yushi took a breath and shook his head. He wasn't going to say anything else. Sakuya didn't think like him. She couldn't understand that there could be nothing more than friendship between him and Riku.
Because Riku liked women. That's why he had so many female friends.
...
As the players and fans began to disperse, Yushi slowly made his way down the stands alone, because Sakuya was being looked for by his parents, Riku's aunt and uncle.
As soon as he reached the ground, a group of girls walked past him. Probably cheerleaders, or fans of the players, he thought. But they all crowded around Riku and started asking him questions and laughing like fools every time he smiled back.
That was what Sakuya didn't understand. Riku was always surrounded by women, girls from his class or younger, because he must like one of them and not Yushi. She also didn't think he wasn't attractive; many girls had told him so, but he had cut them off before they got to the part where they asked him to be their boyfriend.
For Yushi, there was no such thing as friendship between men and women. His father had told him so.
Riku saw him over the crowd and gave him a smile before politely telling the girls that he was going to take a shower; the sweat was bothering him too much.
"How was I, Yuu-chan?" Riku asked once they were face to face.
"Excellent, as always," Yushi replied, smiling as Riku's lips curved shyly upwards.
"Shall we go now? The sweat is bothering me." Riku grabbed his backpack from the bench next to Yushi and started walking. Yushi followed without protest.
The night air felt fresh, especially since it was autumn, a time of year they both quite liked. The refreshing breeze felt like a relief to Riku as soon as it began to blow.
The streets were empty. Typical for a Monday in the town where they lived. It was quiet and beautiful, welcoming to the inhabitants, most of whom were people everyone knew. Although Yushi only knew, if he was lucky, three.
They walked together under the lampposts that illuminated their path for a while, before leaving the rest of the lighting to the full moon, which bathed them in its silvery October light.
Riku was talking about how difficult the match had been. How the opposing team had put up a fair and excellent fight before losing thanks to the point Kento had scored at the end. He was in his element, and Yushi listened, completely mesmerized by the movement of Riku's lips, by how his eyes gained a special gleam every time he mentioned a play, which Yushi didn't really understand. But he let him talk.
He didn't notice when his own hand reached for Riku's and their fingers intertwined. He noticed when Riku raised both hands to explain a play. Their matching bracelets clinked together with a pleasant tinkling sound, the brown beads of Riku's bracelet catching the light blue beads of Yushi's.
A gift from Riku when they went on a trip to Hokkaido.
He wanted to pull away, but Riku maintained the grip and looked at him. Their eyes met for a moment, and Yushi felt himself blush. He lowered his head, focusing his gaze on the ground.
"I don't want to let go, Yuu-chan." Riku said it so seriously that Yushi felt his heart leap into his chest.
"But... My hand is sweaty," Yushi murmured shyly in response.
"I don't care. I said I don't want to let go because you grabbed me first."
Yushi looked up from the sidewalk and noticed they had stopped in the middle of it. Riku was looking at him seriously, the moon illuminating his back and the streetlamp to one side shining on the left side of his face, making the small bump on that side of his face more noticeable.
He felt weak. That image of Riku made him weak, wanting to give in and tell him everything he kept in his heart, everything that was exclusively for Maeda.
"I want to kiss you..." Yushi blurted out without thinking.
Before he could change his mind, Riku didn't let him open his mouth because he reached out, pulled Yushi close, and kissed him.
Yushi couldn't close his eyes in time, so he saw Riku slowly pull away. And he saw the smile Riku gave him, affectionate, full of the love that shone in his eyes.
"Yuu-chan, what are we?" That question felt like a damn déjà vu.
"Best friends." And the answer was exactly the same.
....
More times passed, and the answer was always the same. Yushi noticed how Riku was growing tired of the monotony.
But Yushi was terrified. Terrified of saying something that would betray him, something he couldn't bear. He hated the nerves and how they made him feel, how his legs turned to jelly. He was also afraid that if something happened between them... and they broke up, it would all be ruined. Riku would leave, and Yushi wasn't ready for that; nothing would mean anything to him without Riku.
That same fear prevented him from telling Riku that he was in love, that he loved him, that he wanted to be his boyfriend, not his best friend. He was afraid that words would ruin everything.
But saying nothing was ruining it. Riku was getting tired of the same answer, after kisses, after walks holding hands, after laughing together at some silly thing until their stomachs hurt, after those dates that weren't really dates. Riku was fed up with Yushi's bad habit of denying the feelings that were overflowing, feelings that Riku himself knew existed.
That's why Riku resorted to his last option: making Yushi jealous. But not with one of his friends. He knew Yushi wouldn't care; he'd let them be alone. He'd asked Sion for help, and the perfect opportunity was Shotaro's end-of-year party.
He contacted Sion by message and asked him for that damn embarrassing favor: to flirt with him at the party to make Yushi jealous. Sion laughed because he didn't think Yushi would be so reluctant to make the first move, but after hearing Riku's story, he agreed in exchange for all of Riku's chocolate puddings for the rest of the month.
The hardest part was getting Yushi out of the house for the party. Yushi was a total homebody. He didn't go anywhere that involved loud music, alcohol, and hormonal teenagers getting into weird dances. Although a pout from Riku was enough to get Yushi to say yes.
Well, in the end it wasn't so difficult.
At first, when they arrived and Shotaro greeted them with his usual loving smile, Riku thought the plan wasn't necessary. But in the two hours that had passed, Yushi hadn't moved from the sofa, following Riku's every move as he danced.
When he looked at his phone and noticed it was 2:30 in the morning, he decided it was time to put the plan into action.
He sent a message to Sion, who was on the second floor of the house, and waited for Yushi to be distracted so he could go to the stairs, which was the meeting point. At first, he felt nervous; Sion was naturally flirtatious and might go off on tangents, which would upset Yushi and could end with him hitting Sion. Something Riku didn't want. The plan couldn't involve any injuries.
Sion arrived earlier, waiting for him while leaning on the railing, with that characteristic flirtatious smile of his. Riku climbed the stairs, feeling each step add an uncomfortable weight to his stomach. When he stood before Sion, Sion didn't hesitate to pin him against the wall between two couples kissing. And he moved closer.
"Is this enough?" Sion asked, maintaining that flirtatious smile.
"Yes..." Riku murmured, glancing down at where the tips of his shoes touched. "You have small feet," he observed.
"My feet aren't small," Sion said, losing his flirtatious tone but moving closer to keep the mood going. "They're big."
"Look, there's nothing wrong with having small feet, it's cute," Riku commented this time, letting out a low laugh.
Sion moved even closer, raising an eyebrow in a sneer, and Riku had to stifle his laughter even more. He was about to say something, but saw Sion roughly pulled away from him, causing him to fall back down the stairs.
Riku looked up from Sion and saw Yushi, frowning and saying nothing. He grabbed Riku by the wrist and started walking down the stairs. That was quick, Riku thought. I owe Sion at least twenty more puddings.
When they reached the ground floor, Yushi didn't stop there. He continued until they reached Shotaro's backyard, the only place in the house where the party wasn't still going on. It was empty, and the fresh air that hit Riku made his skin prickle. They stopped in the middle of the yard, where the music barely reached.
Yushi was ready to say something, to ask something about Sion, but Riku spoke first.
"Yuu-chan, what am I to you?" he asked, leaving Yushi speechless since he was taken aback.
"You're my best friend," Yushi replied mechanically. Riku took a deep breath, realizing that he was getting tired of hearing that same answer all this time.
"You're lying," Riku finally said. "You've been lying to me every time I ask you."
"No..."
"Yushi, please." Riku noticed that Yushi stiffened because he'd used his name instead of his favorite nickname. "What are you afraid of? I know you like me. I've known it since freshman year, when you subtly held my hand while we watched that Julia Roberts movie... My Best Friend's Wedding."
Riku noticed Yushi tense up even more, his hands moving up to his chest, touching the light blue beads of his bracelet.
"Ever since you whispered it when we got back from the Hokkaido trip, while you were looking at your bracelet, thinking I was asleep next to you."
Yushi's eyes darted around, searching for a way out, an escape, a way to avoid Riku's gaze. Riku took a step closer, and Yushi took two steps back.
"What are you afraid of, Yushi? What scares you about me? Are you afraid people will look at us funny?"
Yushi shook his head so hard Riku thought his neck would hurt.
"What is it then... Yuu-chan?" Riku took another step and grabbed Yushi's wrists to stop him from leaving. "Isn't it obvious when I kiss you, when I hold your hand, when I hug you? Isn't it obvious that I like you too? I like you, I love you."
"Don't say that word," Yushi finally said. "Don't say you love me, because 'I love you' has an expiration date. When you stop loving me, you'll leave me. And I can't blame you. I'm not someone interesting, fun, or someone you'd spend years with. And when you leave, there won't be anything left of me. I'm nothing without you, Riku. You're my whole reason for being, you're the sun I orbit around, unable and unwilling to escape. And when a sun goes out, that planet turns cold, it freezes, and I don't want to feel like that."
Riku smiled and pulled Yushi close. He wrapped his arms around him in a hug, where Yushi rested his chin on Riku's shoulder and shyly placed his hands around the older man's waist.
"How can you feel all of this if you don't even allow yourself to be loved in the first place?" Riku whispered in Yushi's ear. "You don't know me well enough to think I'd leave you. We've been friends for five years, five years where I loved spending every moment with you, five years where you made me smile even when I thought I'd never smile again, five years where you were by my side and I by yours, both of us putting up with each other's tempers. We spent five years without getting tired of each other, so why would you think I'd forget you in a month?"
Riku felt his shoulder get damp and felt Yushi's hands grip his black shirt. The sound of Yushi's hiccups brought a smile to his face.
"Yuu-chan, are you crying?" Riku asked in a mocking tone.
"No..." Yushi said weakly.
Riku grabbed Yushi by the shoulders, making a move to pull away, but the younger boy clung even tighter to his shirt.
"Yuu-chan, let go," Riku said this time, using his reproachful tone. It worked, as Yushi released him instantly.
He managed to separate himself by just a few centimeters from Yushi and saw, thanks to the moonlight, Yushi's flushed and wet face. He smiled tenderly and his hands went up to Yushi's cheeks, gently stroking them with his thumbs to dry the tears, even though it only made them slicker.
"My Yuu-chan," Riku whispered before bringing his face close to Yushi's and placing a kiss on the tip of his nose. "How will we know if we get bored of being boyfriend and girlfriend if we don't try? Although..." Riku paused thoughtfully. "I don't care about the label we use, as long as I can tell you how much I love you—"
"Riku, I love you," Yushi said suddenly, cutting Riku off mid-sentence. "I'm in love with you, I need you with me, I want to be your boyfriend, I want to tell you I love you without labels... I want..."
Yushi didn't finish, because, as always, Riku silenced him with a kiss.