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'Time heals all wounds.' A phrased Hyungwon had heard recited about a hundred times. He'd always wondered if such things were true, was time really the only thing needed to heal wounds?
It had been 15 years, yet somehow he still found his way back to the main cause of his unending pain. He let out a pathetic sounding laugh as he stared up at the giant metal doors of the small desolate church that stood before him.
"Pathetic." He mumbled to himself.
His currently feelings were very reminiscent of a victim who would keep finding their way back to their abuser. Despite all the pain and suffering he'd endured, he still found his way back to the only place he'd originally found solitude. The day he'd been cast out was just as vivid as the day he'd arrived.
A family of lost souls hoping to find some guidance towards the lord. That's what they were, little did they know their son was the "anti-christ'.
Well, that's what the priest would call him, anyways. He was evil, pure evil he would tell him, only to have his devout followers echo his sentiments. His way of life was not that of the 'catholic way', that someone of his kind was not welcome in a Holy place such as theirs. He was traveling down a very dark and dangerous path they would claim. Those teachings had been nailed so deeply into his brain that he'd started to believe them to some degree.
During the time leading up to his banishment, he'd heard many Bible verses quoted. One specific one had managed to stick with him though, Hebrews 4:15 - 16 , "Jesus is able to sympathize with our weaknesses because he was tempted in every way, yet was without sin."
His current way of life was just just sinful, or that's what he'd grown to believe at least. He'd like to believe that he was a good person, then again, wouldn't we all? Simply having a morally correct compass did not in fact mean you were a 'good person'. What did it mean to be a 'Good person'? Was there truly a way of measuring whether someone was good or not?
He'd come to find out.
Hyungwon blinked once, then twice. Every fiber of his being was screaming at him to leave, that revisiting the source of his trauma wasn't the best idea. Still, he had some unfinished business here.
With one final breath, he finally pushed open the big metal rod they tried to pass off as a doorknob and entered the large structure. As expected, the place was empty. No surprise there, it was Tuesday, a day when no services would in session. He'd specifically chosen this day knowing that it would be unoccupied.
What he truly required now was time alone, the last thing he needed was someone who was there during the time of his exile to cause a fuss. His slowly walked down the aisle, hands traveling across the run-down wood of the empty rows of pews.
Finally he came to a halt, 4 rows from the pulpit. The spot his family had claimed as their own every single Sunday during their stay. He let out a soft shaky breath as he pushed his way between the pews, he grabbed a pillow that lay atop the bench and placed it on the floor, slowly kneeling onto it.
As difficult as this was, repairing his connection with the Lord meant a lot to him. The night he'd been cast out, was the night that not only had he cut all contact with the church he'd grown to call 'second family'. He'd cut contact with God. That was a misstep on his part.
Why had he allowed some devout followers of his to completely sever his relationship with God? It was something he'd regretted all these years. They were not all knowing, their teachings weren't law. Every single persons relationship with the Lord was different, so why had he believed their harsh words and allowed himself to destroy something good?
Fear? That seemed like the most logical answer to him. He hated to think that his actions harmed others, that he was a terrible human being who would never see those where pearly gates.
Minutes passed, as Hyungwon squeezed his eyes shut and started murmuring to himself. "Is something wrong with me me? Where they right? Please, Lord, Show me the answer. Tell me if they were right." He mumbled softly, a singular tear starting to threaten to escape. He opened his eyes and blinked them away as quickly as they'd formed.
No response came to him.
Was God truly not there for him? Had he forsaken him? Maybe they were right, he needed to grovel on his knees and beg for their forgiveness, in the end, their teachings had managed to guide so many others. So why had it completely failed with him?
He recounted the night they'd banished him, claiming he was beyond saving and that they might as well just let the devil corrupt him. They claimed that not everyone was worth saving, that he certainly was not. His family didn't even attempt to defend their child. That was the most heartbreaking thing of all.
Well, in the grand scheme of things, their refusal to help made sense. He had confided in them the previous night about certain 'problems' in his life. He was a 16 year old kid, just starting to find himself. It was a scary time, one where he desperately craved advice from his parents.
His father, well, he didn't take it well. He couldn't even look him in the eye after he told him, and his poor mother simply said they'd pray for him. He had no doubt in his mind that they had been the ones to out him. The ones to put him on the spot for brownie points from the church. While yes, he was their child, the priest also commended them for not being afraid to come forward with their son's sinful ways.
His actions did not reflect badly onto them, as the priest offered then a permanent place in the church. Whilst also banishing him at the same time. They'd tried, or well, claimed to have tried.
"Before our service ends. Tonight we would like to pray for one very misguided individual. He has been traveling down a dark path for quite some time, and this might be our last hope to save him." The priests eyes would travel over to the row where his family would sit, before his eyes fell on him.
"Chae Hyungwon? Would you mind joining me up at the front?" He'd ask him, nervousness and confusion set into his unsettled stomach, but he would do as told and head up front. As he stood beside the priest, his eyes would scan the area, the many different expressions on each face. Some had pure disgust, others looked sad to some degree, some even looked angry.
There was only one unreadable face in the entire crowd. He had little to no time to fully register that persons demeanor before he felt himself be pried down to his knees. "Today. We gather here to pray for this poor boy. His family told us something… interesting about him, last Sunday.'
Last Sunday.. Last Sunday, huh?
Of course, Last Sunday was the day he'd been unable to attend service. It was his second year of high-school and he'd recently tried out for the schools dance team. Results and First Practice was that Sunday. Usually his parents would have an absolute cow about him not attending service. Claiming that nothing was more important than Sunday service.
This time though, they seemed oddly calm about everything. The pieces had started to fit together in a nice little puzzle as he'd come to realize why they were so OK with this.
They had planned to out him that day, tell the church everything he'd told them, and they knew it was better to do that without interruption from him. So they allowed him to miss service. How could he have been so stupid? He'd left them the perfect time to do so.
Tears formed in the eyes of 16 year old him at his parents betrayal. He knew what this was about before the words even fell from the priests mouth. "Now, everyone please join me in holy matrimony." The priests continued.
The eyes of those in the vicinity shut as the priest laid his hand atop his head. "Today. We gather here to cast out the demon who has corrupted this boy. He used to be such a devout followers of yours, but his judgment has become clouded along the way. God. Where did we go wrong?…" he trailed off.
"Homosexuality. Something, so widely unnatural. You made Women and Men for a reason, Adam and Eve. Despite their disobedience, they are still a product of yours." Hyungwon froze. There it was. The reason he was now the center of attention as he tried to shy away from the touch of the priest.
He felt, disgusted. Not with himself, but with this entire church. The grip from the priest only tightened on him, forcefully keeping him in place as he continued. "'I think I'm gay.' Yes. That is what he'd told his parents that night. We ask that you do not place harsh judgment onto this lost souls. He's simply misguided and needs to find You again. Please help him. We–"
"OK. STOP." Hyungwon finally said, completely cutting off the priests prayer. Silence engulfed the church as all eyes were glued upon him, he turned around to meet the glare of the man who was throwing down the hammer. "I am sorry. But I don't believe that anything is wrong with me. I don't believe that being who I am is inherently wrong."
The man before him said nothing. He just looked.. angry, as if no one had ever dared stood up to him before. Well, it wouldn't surprise him if that were the case. Most churches were open to questions, well, all except for this one. If you even dared to ask a single thing, the priest put your entire faith into question. Claiming that devout Catholics just blindly followed the lord.
That questioning his teachings, meant you were in turn questioning God, which was a slippery slope to travel down. So it must have been a huge kick to his ego to have someone, especially someone like Hyungwon stand against him.
Hyungwon throughout his families time there had always been known as "the quiet boy who accompanied his family." He would silently listen to the teachings of the priest without interruption. He would never ask questions, he would simply accept things as they were.
This, however, this was to much. He was the center of attention. He had told his lived ones something in complete confidence. Something he'd struggled to come to terms with, so he looked to them for guidance.
Big mistake, clearly.
He stood up and brushed himself off. "I apologize for my rudeness, but this is going to far. There is nothing wrong with me. I haven't been corrupted. The truth of the matter is, I'm gay, and that's alright. I just–" he paused as he struggled to find his words.
"Then leave." The priests finally said, breaking the silence as he stared down at the boy. "Leave this place if you refuse our help."
Hyungwon went silent as his eyes scanned the crowd, looking for someone to save him, someone to help this man see that there was nothing wrong with him. His eyes first fell on his parents, who refused to make eye contact with him.
Their faces were filled with hurt and anger. His eyes then scanned the crowd for the help of another. He wasn't there though. He'd disappeared during sometime during his speech, or perhaps he'd left even during prayer.
How foolish.
His last saving grace. To believe that he'd ever choose him over his own father. It was selfish of him to even consider such a thing.
16 year old Hyungwon just scoffed in disbelief, shaking his head and returning his attention to the priest. "Is that what you really want?" He asked, anger and snideness taunting his voice.
"LEAVE!" The priests voice boomed throughout the church, startling its patrons from the sheer force of it. So he did as told, he left. The last time he would ever see this place, his parents or him, again.
He was already packed and gone by the time his parents came home. He left a note saying he'd be staying with some relatives for the time being. To his knowledge, they never tried finding him.
All of this because he'd placed his trust in the wrong people. The memory started to fade into obscurity as Hyungwon forced himself off his knees and pushed himself up onto the bench behind him.
"Maybe I should have listened." He mumbled to himself. "Maybe I am misguided. I should have just–"
"OK. Stop." An all to familiar voice interrupted his self loathing speech towards himself. Very reminiscent of his own outburst that night, except it wasn't coming from him this time. "I can't listen to this anymore." The voice continued, as Hyungwon heard shuffling behind him.
"There is nothing wrong with you." The voice said as it got closer to him, until eventually it was right behind him. "Nothing. You hear me?"
Hyungwon shut his eyes and let out a deep breath. "Maybe I've been here to long, I'm starting to hear voices now." He mumbled, trying to tune out the voice, or perhaps– his eyes traveled to the ceiling. No, what a stupid idea. That wasn't the voice of God.
The voice sounded way to much like an old friend of his. If that was the voice of God, or was so cruel of him to use his voice like that.
"Ignoring me, huh? Guess I deserve it." The voice said as he leaned forward and rested his arms on the top of the bench Hyungwon was sitting on. He turned his face to look at the small, fragile boy in front of him. "Sorry will never be able to undo the harm done upon you. But, it's all I can say. I know it doesn't mean much.. but–" he paused and glanced away.
"I can't have you thinking somethings wrong with you. I can not have you taking my father's foolish teachings to heart. Hyungwon. Please." He reached over and placed and hand under his chin, forcing him to look in his direction.
"Kihyun?…" Hyungwon finally mumbled. He had tried so hard to deny it. That the voice he'd heard was just his imagination, that it was God playing a cruel trick on him. Perhaps his eyes were still deceiving him. The Kihyun he knew would never have disobeyed his father like that.
"What are you doing here?" Hyungwon mumbled as he pulled his head away turned back towards the front. "If you've come by your fathers orders to kick me out again, no need. I was just leaving."
Kihyun said nothing as he moved to sit right behind him, he leaned forward on the back of the bench and wrapped his arms around his neck. "No, please. Just. Don't go." He mumbled, leaning forward, resting his chin on the shoulder of his old friend. "It's been 15 years. I want to be the friend to you now that I should have been to you back then. Please, Hyungwon."
Hyungwon did not reply, so Kihyun took that as a sign to keep going. "Please. Hear me out. It won't excuse my betrayal, Hell. I don't even deserve your forgiveness, but I want to explain myself. So– please Hyungwon." Once again, no response. Kihyun knew that while Hyungwon was angry with him, this lack of response meant that he was granting him permission to keep going.
"That Sunday. The Sunday you didn't come to church. I questioned where you were. When I asked your parents, they told me that you were busy that day. I found it odd. Your family had been coming to the church for 6 years by that point. You were always glued to their side without fail. Even when sick you never missed a day. So why, after 6 years, did you just– not show up?"
"I was busy," Hyungwon started.
"No you weren't." Kihyun cut him off. "Well, even if you were. Your parents would never have allowed you to miss church willingly. Do you remember the day you came down with the chicken pox? You were basically on your death bed, yet you still came to church. You mean to tell me, they let you skip for dance practice. Please, even you aren't stupid enough to believe that."
Hyungwon went silent, he knew the boy was right. He was excited to attend dance practice. He had gotten the email saying he'd been accepted, so he thought nothing of it when his parents allowed him to go. Thinking back, he should have seriously questioned why they'd so willingly let him skip like that. It was a bit odd, considering their nature.
"Their reasoning became clear once my father asked the audience if there were any special requests for prayer, and your parents were the first and only people to raise their hand." Kihyun scoffed at the memory. "My father was clearly caught off guard as he only asked that ss a courtesy. Never expecting anyone to actually take the bait, yet, he still beckoned them towards the mic. That's when they told us. 'Hyungwon came out as Gay yesterday'. Saying it matter-of-factly, no emotion in their voice. 'He's been corrupted by the devil' they would say."
Kihyun paused as he shook his head in sheer disgust. "It all made sense why you weren't with them that day. They wanted to out you without you intervening."
"So what did you do?" Hyungwon asked.
Kihyun said nothing to those words, choosing to answer Hyungwon's question with a question instead. "How did you find out?"
"Find out?"
"That you were– gay." Kihyun asked, arms still around Hyungwon's neck as he placed his chin on his shoulder.
"Does that really matter? I asked you a question first. So– Answer. It." Hyungwon hissed.
"Fine. I felt– confusion, also, a little bit hurt. That you confided in them before talking to me. I was your best friend–"
"You were also the priests son." Hyungwon cut him off. "The chances of you telling him were greater than the chances of my parents telling him."
"I wouldn't have done that to you."
"Really now? Perfect Goody-two shoes, Mr. Yoo Kihyun. Would not have told his father about his best friend being Gay? Asking him to 'help me'? Seriously. That's laughable." Hyungwon scoffed.
"I wouldn't. I promise. I may have been his son but I had secrets of my own that I kept from him. I am no perfect Hyungwon. There were things even he did not know about me, that he wouldn't have approved of." He paused. "Please. Answer my question now. I answered yours. It's– it's only right."
Hyungwon was silent, contemplating his options. It's not like admitting the truth here would change anything. After tonight they'd go their separate ways. So, at this point, what did he have to lose?
"You."
"..thought so." Kihyun mumbled, "God. I was so stupid." He groaned as he nuzzled his face into Hyungwon's shoulder
"You act like you already knew."
"I had a feeling, but why would you of all people like me? A slave to his fathers teachings. A boy who had no choice but to follow his fathers every order. You knew how my father felt about gay people. He would even throw in some jabs towards the topics during his sermon. You were there for them. I always saw the hurt look that would enter your face whenever he talked like that. So why would you have a crush on the son of the person who hated gay people more than anything?" Kihyun asked.
"Kihyun. What does it matter? Why are you even here in the first place?" Hyungwon asked, squirming in his seat, he was clearly feeling uncomfortable about the current topic.
"I've been here since you came in. I was doing some cleaning when I heard the creaky doors opened. I assumed it was someone coming for a confession, so I headed for the confession box. I stopped once I saw it was you, and realized you were heading for your usual spot. 15 years. It had been 15 years since I'd seen you." He let out a sigh. "It wasn't my place to question your presence, or to kick you out. This is meant to be a sanctuary for all, my father had no right to banish you."
"So why did he?"
"Because HE was the misguided one. Not you. No where in the Holy Bible does it ever state that Homosexuality is a sin, and yet, he changed the Holy Word to fit his homophobic and bigoted agenda. His followers.. they followed his word like Law. They took it as fact. Even though I've read the Bible and 90% of his teachings were not right." He paused. "The Sunday your parents outed you. I had an argument with my father about it. A… bad one. I was your best friend so of course he came to me asking if I knew. I told him even if I did, it would not have been my place to tell. He took that as a yes. Even though I didn't outright know but had suspicions."
"And then?" Hyungwon asked.
"We dropped the conversation that nighr. He couldn't even look me in the eye. Claiming you had corrupted me and that I was 'not the son he'd raised'. We didn't bring it up again, well, Until the following Sunday. The night you were kicked out." Kihyun paused as those horrid memories came flooding back. "He'd been planning to do that from the start, the prayer was nothing more than a formality. I couldn't watch it, so I left."
So, that's why. He'd scanned the faces of the crowd looking for some reassurance in the face if his best friend, yet the one face he wanted to see, he couldn't find.
"I abandoned you." Kihyun mumbled. "I. Left you to fend for yourself instead of standing up against my fathers teachings which I knew were wrong. I KNEW THEY WERE WRONG AND–"
"Kihyun…"
"We had another fight that night. I told him that he was wrong, that I'd read the Bible front to back and could not find a single passage about Homosexuality being wrong. I told him that he was wrong to banish you. I–" tears formed in his eyes as his voice started to break. "I came out to him as BI that night. He was unhappy, to say the least. More than unhappy. He was straight up pissed." Kihyun closed his eyes. "I went to find you, but your parents had told me you'd left. They refused to tell me where. I– I'm so sorry." He mumbled, tears streaming down his face, he pulled his arms away from around his neck and wiped away the tears falling.
"I'm so sorry, Hyungwon." He repeated.
Hyungwon said nothing as he moved to get out of the pew, Kihyun said nothing, assuming he was leaving. He deserved it at this point, he wouldn't blame him.
"Hey. Move over." Hyungwon said, slightly pushing him, urging him to make room for him. Kihyun did as told, and scooted over away from the edge, giving Hyungwon a spot to sit. He looked away, as he wiped away his tears.
"How did you know?"
"Huh?"
"That you were BI?" Hyungwon asked.
"Do you really have to even ask?" Kihyun let out a pathetic chuckle, looking at him through blurred eyes.
"Guess not.", Hyungwon replied. "Is that why you came to my parents house that night?"
"Yeah. I wanted to apologize for not defending you. For leaving. For not saying anything. For being a coward. For– everything. You were already gone, and I had no way of contacting you. By that point, your phone had already been cut off. I– failed you." Kihyun explained.
"I guess I couldn't really blame you. If that man was my father, I would be scared to. From your point of view, your would have been putting your livelihood in danger if you'd stood against him. I couldn't ask you to do that for me. I had no right to." Hyungwon admitted as he moved to lay his head on Kihyuns shoulder. "I'm sorry to."
That movement caused Kihyun to freeze up, but he made no attempt to push him away. "You have nothing to apologize to. Your anger, was not misplaced. You had every right. I deserved your anger. I deserved you hatred. I still deserve all of it."
"No, you don't. I should have been angry with your father. Not you. You did nothing wrong Kihyun." Hyungwon closed his eyes and paused. "What happened after your fight?"
"We barely talked after, then about 6 months later he died. People claimed it was due to guilt that his son had turned out as the anti-christ. That he 'died of silence' Yet, still became the priest in his stead. You'd think that he'd want anyone BUT me running this place. Yet, he made no efforts to remove me from his will. Perhaps deep down he knew he was wrong, yet he could never admit as such." Kihyun stated.
"It's be difficult. Trying to reform the church after years of his terrible teachings, but I've managed." He paused. "I wouldn't like to formally invite you back as a member of this church. If you would be willing to? You'll always have a place here, Hyungwon."
Hyungwon was silent, he moved his head off his first shoulder and moved to look at him, eyes widening at the proposition. Kihyun just looked at him with a smile.
He looked as beautiful as the day he'd first fallen in love with him. His eyes traveled to the giant mural on the window, the sun peaked in, hitting Kihyuns porcelain skin just right. He let out a sigh and closed his eyes. "I'll think about it. I'm not saying yes, but–"
"Well. I won't force you, just– you're always welcome here. I'm making steps to reform this place for the better. Have been for the last 15 years. Some of the regulars left because they did not agree with my teachings, but its fine. I did not stop them. That was their choice. I told them they would always be welcome back though, so I extend the same invitation to you." Kihyun smiled reassuringly.
Hyungwon smiled back at him, letting our a soft sigh. "And that's exactly why I fell in love with you." He chuckled and shook his head.
Kihyun tilted his head in confusion, so Hyungwon took that as an opportunity to continue.
"Your kindness. Despite your fathers teachings and harshness. You were always so kind towards others. Despite my better judgment I fell in love with the priests son of all people, and caused this mess. Your fault for being so.. perfect though." Hyungwon let out a sigh as he leaned his head back and stared up at the ceiling.
"I told you, I'm not–"
"Perfect. For me. You were perfect. For me." Hyungwon cut him off before he could deny his perfection again. "even after all this time, I still think are," he paused. "I'm sorry. I don't know why I said that. I'll think about your offer, thank you Kihyun. I should get going."
"Hyungwon. Look at me."
Hyungwon sat up and turned towards him in confusion, he barely had time to react as soft lips pressed against his own. His eyes widened as Kihyun pulled away. "Please consider it, ok?" He whispered softly. Leaving a small peck on the cheek of a stunned Hyungwon. "Hopefully, I'll see you Sunday." He whispered before standing up leave, without another word.
Hyungwon sat there felt a second longer, a singular hand slowly reaching up to touch his lips. He blinked once, and then twice, a small smile forming his lips before going to follow Kihyun.
Maybe they'd be OK after all.