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Bruce isn’t a hypocrite.
He’s a raging hypocrite.
Does he stay up to all hours, running off of pure caffeine and spite? Sure.
Breaking his body throwing himself into danger without a second thought in order to save innocent civilians, all in a days work.
Having passionate intercourse with multiple partners, day, afternoon, or night? Well he’s an ADULT.
His babies are still well…babies.
Besides it’s the parent’s job to prevent their kids from being like them, giving them a better life than you had and all that.
And whenever the boys pointed out this hypocrisy, of his own shameless sex, wild parties, and throwing himself into danger, he would respond with “and look how I turned out!”
Billionaire, Dilf, surround by the people he loves, every day is pure joy.
Not a great argument.
And the whole “I’m the Dad and I say so” thing is stupid, and insulting. Children are still human beings and deserve to be treated with respect and honesty.
Also since he’s not “their real Dad” as an angst-filled Jason pointed out once.
2 hours of aggressive crying later it was agreed that while technically true, that argument was too hurtful and unnecessary, therefore cannot be used.
So the best reasoning he could give the boys as to why they boys had to live under different rules when he did the exact same things, was because his children were more precious than him.
They have a 10:00 curfew and bedtime because they need a full nights sleep in a warm comfortable bed, so their beautiful minds and bodies could grow.
Bruce was fully developed.
They boys couldn’t fight without padding and with him supervising incredibly nearby, because what if they got hurt? Not only physically, but mentally, emotionally. Think of their emotions.
Batman has gone rounds with Superman and Wonder Woman at the same damn time, and emerged the last one standing. (In sparring you perverts)
Finally the boys couldn’t date at random, (and just don’t bring up sex at all for Bruce’s mental health) because no one on this, or any other planet was good enough for his little angels.
Brucie Wayne was a notorious playboy, he had to flirt and sleep around with every attractive man, woman, or something in-between, to keep up appearances!
The boys had no such responsibility, so he didn’t see why they had to date at all. Or leave home. Or get taller than him damnit.
Jason had an inch on him, Dick and Timmy were pushing it, and if Damian ever outgrew him he might never stop crying.
Unfortunately since he couldn’t use advanced technology to force their bodies back into tiny babies that will stay with him forever due to “laws” and “morals” he was stuck dealing with the reality that his boys were…growing up.
However he does not have to like it.
So when Tim mentions going to the movies with some girl, Bruce handles it rather well.
“Absolutely fucking not! Are you trying to kill me? A knife to my heart would have the same effect I promise, I’d actually prefer it.” He blocks the door while Tim massages his temples.
“Pa you’re being ridiculous. It’s just a movie.” The teen huffs trying to push past him. Because 100 pounds of teenager would definitely budge 290 of bodybuilding 40 year old man.
“Oh just a movie? Just a movie? Two of you alone, unsupervised, in a dark room, sitting on reclining chairs, teenage hormones floating all over the place. What could possibly happen? I am too young to be a grandfather Tim!” Bruce, lovingly, shakes the boys shoulders trying to knock sense into that beautiful head of his.
Tim groans, flushing pink at the very uncomfortable topic. He didn’t threaten Clark with kryptonite bullets every time they went out.
That was Jason.
“Pa! I won’t try anything like that, we’ve only been dating for a week.”
Bruce pets his hair trying to be soothing, but it comes across condescending.
“Of course not Timmy, I know you wouldn’t. I trust you completely and know you make smart choices. It’s her I don’t trust.”
Tim groans into his hands. “Why are you like this?!”
“Because I love you with every single fiber of my being and I want you to be safe! It’s my job to protect you.”
“So what? I can’t date until you’re dead?” Tim huffs crossing his arms.
“Oh don’t be silly, even in death I will haunt anyone who so much as exists too closely to you.”
Tim flops back onto a chair, glaring at the floor.
Bruce sighs deeply. He knew he was being unfair. But it’s unfair to him to have to share his children with the world.
“…you can go”
Tim shoots up “yes! Thank you Pa!”
“But I want to meet her.”
“Oh god…”
***
Stephanie lets out a low whistle walking up to the Wayne manor. What she wouldn’t give to be adopted by Daddy Warbucks.
Though she wasn’t an orphan.
But…neither was Tim.
Wait a minute how is that fair?
Tim opens the door and tries ushering her away.
“Steph! You’re here, let’s go. Now.”
“Why are you in such a rush?”
“She’s right Timmy. No need to run away. Stay and chat.” Bruce chirps catching Tim by the hoodie and pulling him back into the home.
“Well the movie is starting soon so…”
“Oh the ads will be going for another half an hour. You’ll be right on time.”
“I like watching the ads.”
“No you don’t. You and Samantha-“
“It’s Stephanie.”
“You and Simon come on in.”
Steph plays with her hair while twirling around, taking in every inch of the giant manor. It’s like 20 houses in one.
How many bathrooms do they have in this place?
It would be awesome to have her own bathroom, especially after her Dad uses it.
Barf.
“So Sylvester, Timmy’s told me so much about you. It’s nice to finally put a face to the name.” Bruce hums with a plastered smile, holding out a friendly hand.
The blonde takes his hand, with surprising grip, shaking it enthusiastic. Hm, so she didn’t care about coming off ‘delicate’ and ‘feminine’ not a total red flag.
“It’s great to meet you too Richard, or do you prefer Dick? No offense or anything but I don’t understand how Dick is a nickname for Richard anyway. Like Billy from William it doesn’t make any sense. At least my name makes sense, Stephanie, Steph. Right to the point, nice and simple.” She goes on, gears turning around in her head while thinking.
Names were funny like that. She liked her name, Stephanie, her parents made a good choice with that one. She looks like a Stephanie. Tim didn’t look like a Tim though, when they first met she thought he would be called “Anthony” or “Matthew”
While the girl murmurs to herself, did she think he couldn’t hear her? Bruce blinks, a smile taking over.
“Richard?”
“Hm? Oh yeah! Well it’s great to meet you Dick, you look a lot like Tim it’s crazy. I’m an only child, man I wish I had a big brother like you.” Stephanie sighs dreamily hands on hips.
“Brother? Brother. Tim did you hear that? She thinks I’m your brother.” Bruce all but giggles, nudging Tim shoulder.
“Well I’ve been standing here the whole time so, yes, I heard.” Tim mutters while Bruce becomes friendly in record time.
Maybe it wouldn’t be completely necessary to show this lovely young woman his weapons room while explaining all the ways he could use them.
“Well Stephanie, as much as I hate to correct a beautiful young lady such as yourself, I’m actually Tim’s father. Bruce Wayne.” He chuckles tucking a hair behind his ear. Preening like a damn bird.
Stephanie gasps, leaning in to get a better look at him.
“Whoa! No way man, you look so young. And hot!”
Tim’s eye twitches.
“Oh no offense Tim. You’re hot too.”
Kill him.
“Can we please-stop touching his face!”
Steph pulls back her hands with a guilty expression.
“I just wanted to see if it was plastic surgery!”
“Can we please go now?” Tim groans pulling Stephanie out the door.
Practically being bridal carried by her boyfriend, the blonde waves to Bruce, the two of them all bestie-bestie now.
“It was cool to meet you Mr. Wayne.”
“Please, Stephanie call me Bruce. Or Dad. Whichever feels more natural.”
“Pa!”
“Just out of curiosity, say you were to wear a wedding dress, what are your measurements?” Bruce pulls out his phone typing away furiously.
“Good! Bye!” Tim huffs slamming the door behind them.
Bruce shakes his head.
His children could be so dramatic.
Now should it be a beach wedding or in a chapel?