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We’d made it back into town. Ray Browers had changed us, but at least for now, we had each other.
The walk back on the tracks seemed much shorter than I remembered. I couldn’t seem to remember anything we talked about either, but who cares? All I remembered was Chris standing right by my side for the whole thing.
When we got into town and Teddy and Vern went their own way the entire world seemed to come into focus. I could see into Chris’ eyes with a clarity I couldn’t before.
We talked about something. He smiled, and I smiled, and I gave him some skin.
And then he walked away.
He was just going over the same dusty pavement as always, when I got a real bad feeling. It was animalistic, an inextricable fear that lit up my whole nervous system.
I didn’t even feel myself move, I was running.
“Chris!” I screamed.
I screamed so loud my throat hurt. I didn’t know why, or what, but something horrible was about to happen.
Chris stopped the instant his name came out my mouth, but when he turned it felt like it was in slow motion. His eyes were wide open, shocked. He probably thought I was dying the way I was howling and caterwauling outta the blue, but I didn’t know what else to do.
I never found out what he really thought though ‘cause the second he lifted his foot towards me a rusty red ‘45 Chevy truck had barrelled into him at 55 miles per hour.
I screamed again. My feet moving before my brain, running over. I screamed and cried so hard I think I must've died with him, ‘cause the next thing I knew I was waking up on the damp forest ground suffocating.
With sudden choking sobs, I shot out of my sleeping bag in a second.
I ran to my left, I needed Chris to be okay, I needed him to be alive. When I saw an empty sleeping bag I had to bite my hand to keep from screaming.
Where the fuck is he?
I looked around the campfire rapidly, something wasn’t right. It was dark, Teddy and Vern were still asleep, it was getting colder… My eyes shot down in realization, the fire.
It was nearly the size of a light flame and struggling to stay alive in dusty charcoal.
Chris was tending it, I knew that. He volunteered to be watch first, classic Chris.
I tried to take a few deep breaths, but my diaphragm didn’t really let me, so I muffled my sobs with one hand as I used the other to feel into the darkness. If I could get up the hill I’d either A) find him in his scouting spot, or B) use his scouting spot to find him. I managed a couple of actual deep breaths in the time it took to crawl through the dirt in the dark.
“Chris!” I whisper-yelled this time, listening for any sign of him.
The response was immediate.
“Gordie?”
He called out from behind the trees, and I froze as he stepped into view. It was hard to see his face but I could tell he was concerned, which was honestly not the wrong reaction.
I didn’t know what to say so I just sniffled pathetically.
He rushed over, always ready to take care of me.
“What’s wrong?”
Chris had put a hand on my shoulder and, although I knew it wasn’t his intention, I fell into him. I put my teary, snotty face right against his heart and wrapped my arms around his torso, his alive, flesh and blood torso, and held tight as I could..
And Chris, perfect, perfect Chris, just wrapped his arms around me in turn.
“Hey, hey, it’s alright, man. It’s ok.”
He rubbed a hand up and down my back, trying to soothe me, and it was working. His heart was beating almost as fast as my own which almost made me laugh, he probably thought I’d gone completely loony. It didn’t matter what he thought though, because all I could think was I needed Chris safe.
I hiccuped a couple times, and Chris grabbed my shoulders and gently pushed me back.
“You gotta say something, man.” He said, his voice was low and steady despite the panic on his face. “Are you sick? Did you get bit by something?"
I swallowed heavily, trying to get my tongue to work.
“No, no, I’m not- I’m not sick or anything, I just-” I felt the blood rush to my face as I pushed myself to say the words, “I had a bad dream.”
Some of the tension fell out of Chris’ body, but he didn’t look any less worried.
“Well fuck,” He laughed, tension deflating, “It must’ve been pretty damn bad.”
I laughed too, a heavy wet noise, and nodded my head.
“Yeah, pretty bad.”
Chris smiled and squeezed my shoulders, pulling me to sit down with him. He leaned towards me, speaking softly.
“Was it about Denny?”
I almost said yes, just because I knew it would be easier, but I didn’t want to lie.
“It was you.”
I had to look away when I said that. I didn’t know what he’d be thinking, sure we were good pals, Chris and Gordie against the world, but it was definitely pussy to go crying to your best friend after a nightmare.
“Well, hey, I’m right here, aren’t I?”
I nodded again, keeping my head down. Chris’ hand moved to cup the side of my face.
“Gordie, c’mon, at least look at me.”
I knew if I looked at him I’d start crying again, but when he was being so gentle I couldn’t ignore him. I wiped my face roughly with my palms to steel myself. I could feel a few tears stuck to my lashes and I tried to ignore them. Chris just smiled and smudged them with his thumb.
“It’s ok, Gord,” He said, looking at me in that special, focused way he got when we were alone, “Tell me what happened.”
I knew I didn’t have to tell him about it and it was probably pretty cruel in hindsight, but I had the entire gory scene flashing in my mind over and over. It felt like I was gonna go crazy if I didn’t talk about, hell, I felt like I’d already gone crazy.
I shifted in the dirt, feigning an attempt to get comfortable so I could avert my gaze.
“Well uh, we were walking back into town. All four of us, this was after we found the body. We had gotten there but so did Ace and his gang and we got into this big fight, and he pulled a knife, and you weren't budging, and- and I didn’t shoot him, but I took the gun out. He was gonna hurt you, Chris. Bad, real bad, kill you bad.”
I wrung my hand together as I recalled the scene, it all felt so real in my head.
“I was so scared, but I put my finger on the trigger and pointed the barrel straight at that son of a bitch, and I- I wanted to do it. I was going to if he took a single step towards you, but he didn't and um, well, that doesn’t really matter- the bad part is- was way after. Later, when we were walking through town, the four of us walked the tracks back and then we split from Teddy and Vern, and then we split and I just- I just got this feeling, y’know? Like, something crazy, horribly, terribly bad was gonna happen if you went home.”
I closed my eyes and clasped my fidgeting hands.
“So I turn around and you’re walking away and I'm so scared I just start screaming right there, like a fucking lunatic, and you turned back so fast, already starting to run back to me, and, and-”
I paused to take a breath and I felt the warmth of Chris’ hands cover my own.
“You turn around and this massive truck rams into you, and you get tossed into the air right in front of me, looking right at me. And you, your body, it didn't land flat, it skid. And you're going so fast it’s making you, your body into like, bloody parmesan cheese, and then there’s this god awful crunch, and your head- your head isn’t even-”
“Gordie, hey.” Chris interrupts, making me jump.
I gasp as he slides his rough hands over my cold skin, pulling me by the wrists until I’m holding his head like he did to me earlier. Only this time it was both hands and we were so close I could feel his breath on my face.
“I’m right here. I’ll always be here.”
I nervously slid my fingers over his ears, lightly scraping my nails through his short hair down to his neck.
His skin felt unbearably soft beneath my fingertips. I'd never considered Chris to be fragile, not even when he cried, but that was before I'd seen his pink brains splattered all over the road. Or dreamed it, I suppose.
I leaned in slowly and pressed my forehead into his, looking deep into his eyes.
“You swear?”
Chris smiled.
“Yeah, man.”
And then I kissed him.
It was quick. Nothing more than just brushing my lips on top of his, but it was electric. My heart raced and my body felt like 4th of July fireworks, but I only got one fleeting moment before my senses came back to me.
“Fuck, I’m sorry!” I said, yanking myself back and jamming my fingers into the dirt.
Chris didn’t say anything, just stared at me wide-eyed, probably disgusted.
“Forget about that. It wasn’t- I wasn’t thinking right, okay? I just- you were so close.”
I stumbled over my words in desperate panic. That wasn’t something friends could do, that wasn’t something I could undo.
Chris still didn’t speak, but he moved his hands over mine on the dirt and leaned forward until our noses bumped together.
“Well, we're still pretty close.” He said softly.
My heart felt like it was gonna burst right out of my chest. His hands wrapped around my wrists and he pushed further still. The tree bark poked into my back and my hands were stinging from the dirt forcing its way under my fingernails.
“What're you thinking now, Gordie?”
I looked into his eyes and swallowed heavily. Everywhere he touched me felt red hot and it felt like I could burn up at any second, but that's not something I knew how to say.
“I- I don't know...”
The corner of his lip twitched into a smile, but only for a second.
“Maybe,” He started, slowly running his thumb over my wrists, “You should ask what I'm thinking.”
I looked down to his lips and shuddered, my words coming out as little more than an exhale.
“What're you thinking, Chris?”
Chris touched his forehead to mine and pushed a hand into my hair, holding me steady against him.
“I don’t know if I can tell you…” He whispered, “It’s not exactly right.”
I blinked.
A small smile came over my lips.
“What’d’ya know about that?” I said, leaning in, “I just had the same thought.”
It was both my first kiss and his, as such, was featherlite, barely more than brushing our lips against each other, but it was everything I’d ever wanted in that moment.