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Sebastian sucks in a deep breath as he pushes open the door leading to the rooftop of his apartment building, the frigid New York air filling his lungs. He just needed a moment away from the loudness of his guests attempting to speak over the volume of the festive holiday music playing as his fourth annual Christmas party was underway. While Sebastian loved throwing parties every holiday season, it never failed that halfway through the night a dull melancholy feeling would settle in his stomach and he would need to sneak away to collect himself and his thoughts. Something about Christmastime and the cold weather would always make him feel empty and lonely.
He swirls around the brown tinted liquid in his glass as he steps over to the edge of the roof to look out over at the city below him. He takes a sip and the scotch burns down his throat, the contrast of the alcohol warming his insides and the bitter air gives him a chill. With a soft sigh he watches the cars racing through the slick streets, his mind wandering off to where they might be going, what their lives might be like. Some of them are probably feeling the same lonesome feelings he is and some of them are probably going home to cuddle up with their significant others. It amazes him that he could be surrounded by so many people and friends at any given moment every single day and still feel completely alone. This is about the time that he wonders when the hell he became such a sap and downs the rest of his drink.
He places his glass on the building’s edge before turning around and leaning back against it, crossing his arms over his chest. A wrinkle settles in his forehead and he tilts his head up to look at the sky. The perks of living in one of the taller apartment buildings was that every once in awhile, when everything aligned just right, you could see the stars. He really likes the nights that he can see them and it’s usually comforting; they make him feel tiny and insignificant. On this particular night as his green eyes scan the sky for a constellation he might recognize, a shooting star catches his eye.
The first thought that pops into his mind is Blaine Anderson and the last time he saw a shooting star. It’s been a good five years since he’s seen a shooting star…and Blaine. The loneliness settled in his stomach churns into a sadness that tightens his chest. If he was honest with anyone - including himself - he would tell them that he’s still in love with Blaine. He’s the one that got away and Sebastian is pretty resigned to the fact that he won’t find anyone else like him. Blaine knew him like no one else ever did. Sebastian never allowed anyone else to be as close to him in his life– even now. Something about that boy made his walls crumble. Blaine just walked right in, took a look around at all of his flaws and imperfections and accepted him anyway. It had always blown Sebastian away that someone could be so kind and just overall so good.
A sad little smile pulls at his lips as he remembers the last time he saw Blaine and suddenly his cell phone feels a little heavier in his pocket. With pursed lips he brings his gaze down from the sky to his feet, thinking for a brief moment before reaching into his pocket and pulling his phone out. He’s done it a thousand times before: gotten drunk, sad, lonely, and stared at Blaine’s phone number in his contacts list. He doesn’t even know if it’s his working number anymore but he stares at it, always getting so close to calling him. He thinks of what he would say; would he make small talk and then just hang up? Would he plead to Blaine like some pathetic desperate fool? Or would he tell him that he loves him? He never knew what he would say so he never called.
Something in the air feels different on this particular night, he can’t quite put his finger on what it is. Maybe he was just drunker or lonelier than usual, but something about it pushes him far enough to actually call Blaine. His heart pounds against his chest as the phone only rings once before going straight to voicemail. When Sebastian hears the shorter’s voice ringing through the phone with his greeting– happily welcoming him to leave a message– his breath catches in his throat and he closes his eyes. He hasn’t heard his voice in so long and it sends chills down his body.
“Blaine, h-hi.” He stutters as he struggles for what to say next, a nervous chuckle falling from him as he brings his hand up to squeeze the bridge of his nose. “I’m stuttering. Smooth, right?” He shakes his head and takes a deep breath. “Listen, I-” With a slight pause, Sebastian can feel his walls growing and then breaking down again because he still feels safe in this space even if he’s not actually with Blaine in-person. That was something he loved from Day One: Blaine always made him feel safe no matter what. That’s why the other Warbler was the only one to really know the real Sebastian. “I know it’s been a really…really long time and I’m-I’m sorry for that. I just…yeah.” He lets out a breathy laugh and moves to sit down on the roof, leaning his head against the cement wall behind him. “ I-I saw shooting star. You were the first thing I thought of when I saw it. Thinking about that last night we spent together before you moved to New York.” He drags his teeth over his bottom lip. “I think it’s crazy that the last time we saw each other was in Ohio and now we both live in the same city..” His voice lowers as he trails off, feeling the sadness growing deeper in his stomach. “I-” He’s about to tell Blaine that he misses him but he swallows it, clearing his throat. “I hope you’re doing well. I really, really hope you’re happy. No one deserves happiness more than you do, B.” Sebastian opens his mouth to say something else but the voicemail beeps and cuts him off.
He lets out a heavy sigh and pulls his phone away to look at it as the call comes to an end. Part of him already regrets leaving it but he figures he has no reason to be. It’s not like Blaine will call him back, he knows better than to think he will. Blaine will listen to it and probably keep it on his phone until it automatically deletes. He stands up and brushes his pants off and just as he’s about to put his phone into his pocket it goes off and he notifies he has a voicemail. Something inside of him stirs and he raises an eyebrow before tapping the envelope and puts his phone to his ear.
The voicemail greeting plays and he immediately recognizes the number, his heart beats rapidly and a grin involuntarily spreads across his face. He can’t believe what he’s hearing.
———–
“H-hi it’s me.” Blaine’s voice shakes as he speaks into the phone, he’s unsure of how he got to this point. He’s in Ohio at Burt and Carole’s annual Christmas dinner and he’s a little drunk off of Carole’s eggnog; she likes to make it light on the eggnog, heavy on the brandy and because of this, Blaine usually stops at one. But on this particular night, he feels extremely lonely, even surrounded by the people that are his family.
He was sitting at the table with his parents, his brother, his in-laws, his husband, and Rachel and he felt empty– out of place. He didn’t belong. He excused himself after dinner to step outside and get some air while Rachel and Kurt entertained the rest of the family around the piano with Christmas carols. He walked out to the front porch of the house with his fifth glass of eggnog and sat down on the front steps– the cold cement seeping through his jeans and causing him to shiver. He looked up at the sky after taking a generous sip of the liquid, letting it burn down his throat and warm his insides. The thought of not belonging here anymore bounced around in his mind and he wondered how he had let himself get to that point in his life. When did everyone around him start feeling like strangers? When did he start feeling so out of place in his own home?
The thoughts swirled around his head, mixing with the alcohol as he looks at the stars. He wondered when was the last time he truly felt like he belonged somewhere, when a shooting star caught his eye. He smiled a little as he thought of an old friend– someone who always made him feel like he belonged. That’s when he remembered the last time he felt like he truly belonged somewhere.
“Y’know, we could run away together if you wanted. I could take to to France and we could get an apartment in Paris…I could teach you French. We’ll start with the kiss.”
Blaine laughs softly as Sebastian wiggles his eyebrows– the air is light between them as they lie there on the roof of Dalton Academy– he knows the taller is only half-joking. He shoves at him playfully, grinning at him. “Shush, you. I’m an engaged man now.” He says, looking at his hand. Blaine moves his fingers, letting the ring catch the moonlight and he sighs softly.
Sebastian looks at the ring as well and then turns his head to look at Blaine. He can read him like yesterday’s newspaper and he feels a twist in his stomach. “You didn’t have to accept, you know.” He comments carefully, always unsure of how far he should go when it comes to serious talk about Kurt. Sure, he teased Blaine all of the time about leaving the short lady for someone much better, but it was all just to make Blaine do that thing where he grins, blushes, and says ‘Seb, stoppp.’ in that cute whine of his. Even if he hated Kurt, he would never want to hurt Blaine.
The shorter lets out a sigh, contemplating Sebastian’s comment for a moment before speaking. “I know. I don’t know what my problem is; this is literally all I’ve wanted since he and I kissed for the first time. I’m supposed to be thrilled and content and sure….” He begins to trail off.
“But you’re not..”
Blaine shakes his head, twisting the ring around his finger. “I’m happy…I just– I don’t know, there’s something deep down that’s unsure.” His voice gets quieter as he speaks, even a little shaky.
Sebastian looks at the shorter and lets out a sigh, pushing aside everything he really wants to say as he pulls Blaine close to him. “Hey..c’mere.” He says as he slips his arm around the other to hug against him. “You know that you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, and you already know how I feel about the entire situation.” He sighs softly. “But, I also know that you do love him enough to have thought about marrying him and enough to have said yes to his proposal.”
Blaine completely tunes out what Sebastian was saying and snuggles closer to him for a tighter hug, closing his eyes. This is why he called the taller to meet up in their spot; he knows that even just his presence would make him feel okay. They had spent many nights on the roof of Dalton with each other just talking and venting; sometimes even just lying there together in the quiet, they’d look up at the stars and enjoy each other’s energy. Even with all of his doubt and anxious feelings about the future, every time he was with Sebastian, everything around them seemed to halt and he could breathe for a moment. He feels as if he has no problems in the world and he– for a little while– feels completely sure that he belongs somewhere. That’s something he loves about Sebastian, too. He always feels like he belongs when they’re together.
That little doubt deep down is unsure of why he’s marrying Kurt and not running away with Sebastian right now. Anyone with a brain can see how crazy he is about the taller even if he never admits it– not even to himself.
Blaine pulls away enough to face the stars again and he sniffles softly. “I just wish I could have some clarity that I’m doing the right thing one hundred percent and that I’m not just doing it because I think it’s what’s right “ He confesses.
Sebastian looks at Blaine for a moment before facing the stars himself. He listens as his best friend rants a little, biting his tongue as he shrugs. “Well…I wish that for you too, B.” He says honestly before Blaine suddenly points to the sky and a small, bright flash soars across the deep blue blanket above them.
“Look! A shooting star!” He exclaims with a grin as he looks to Sebastian, touching his arm. “We can make a real wish now, c’mon.” He says as he takes Sebastian’s hand, lacing their fingers together and closing his eyes.
The taller just watches Blaine for a moment and it’s like a slow motion moment between them and he feels that feeling again, the one he tries so hard to ignore. He’s so desperately in love with Blaine. He’s such a special person– a bright, good light in a dark, mean world. He’ll never know what he did to deserve Blaine in his life for the time that he’s had him. He always makes him feel like he wants to be a better person. Blaine makes him better.
He closes his eyes and makes a wish with his friend but it isn’t for Blaine, it’s mostly selfish. When he opens his eyes and looks to Blaine, the shorter is already looking at him. He feels a little self-conscious, feeling as if Blaine could see right through him. They share a quiet moment with a slight chuckle as they smile at one another, the tension between them growing thicker.
The moment is short lived because Blaine’s phone begins to ring– he knows it’s Kurt by the unique ringtone. He closes his eyes once more and sighs heavily, groaning as he rolls closer to Sebastian.
Sebastian’s arms instinctively wrap tightly around the shorter and he sighs as well. He knows that their time tonight has been cut short. He’s torn up internally because the reality of the situation is settling inside; he knows that when Blaine leaves this is the last time they will probably ever see each other even if they promised each other otherwise. He knows how his life works; he knows that Blaine is choosing Kurt and when those two leave for New York in the morning that’ll be it.
“He’s probably finished packing and is wondering why in the world I haven’t finished since we’re leaving in the morning.”
Sebastian wants to beg him not to go. He wants him to stay. He wants them to exchange the words that they both have forbidden themselves to ever say. But Sebastian knows better; if Blaine wants to be with him, it isn’t going to be because he pressures him into it.
He loosens his hold on Blaine and they both move to stand up, sighing as they stand there facing each other. The moment and tension they had shared before is still lingering in the air as they stand inches from each other, looking at one another again. This is it for them. This is goodbye.
A heavy sadness settles in Blaine’s stomach and his eyes begin to sting with tears, he looks down at Sebastian’s hands taking them in his own. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath before looking up at the taller, a sad smile on his lips. “I really don’t want to say goodbye to you.” His voice is barely audible as their eyes connect.
Sebastian can feel his emotions getting the better of him and he really, really didn’t want to show how much he rejects everything that’s happening. So he shakes his head, smiling at the shorter. “Then we won’t.” He says matter of factly, giving Blaine’s hands a gentle squeeze before taking a slight shaky breath himself as he tries to keep his composure. “No goodbyes. We’ll see each other again, I’m sure. And you know I’m always only going to be a phone call away if you ever need me.” He reassures the other before pulling him into a tight hug.
He closes his eyes tight, feeling his own stomach churning as he tries to come to terms with the fact that this would be the last time he held Blaine Anderson in his arms. He can feel the tears building up behind his green eyes and he curses them away, he is not going to cry in front of Blaine tonight. He holds the shorter a bit tighter, his stomach twisting even further when he feels the other’s arms tighten around him, too. Sebastian breathes Blaine in one last time, the smell of him causing his insides to flutter– he is really going to miss the way he smells and the way he feels. He feels and smells like home. He takes a deep breath as to pull himself together before forcing a smile. “C’mon, Killer.” He says before pulling away just enough to look at his friend. “You gotta get going.”
Blaine nods as he looks up at Sebastian, it’s clearly obvious that he has tears in his eyes. He knows just as well that they will most likely never see each other again after tonight. Blaine’s making his choice and it means that he has to leave Sebastian behind. It’s too painful for the both of them to be with one another with Blaine being so wishy washy. He knows it isn’t fair to Sebastian and it isn’t fair to Kurt either even if he knows nothing of it. “Yeah.” He says softly, sniffling and pulling himself away from the other. He gives Sebastian a smile before nodding again. “I’ll see you.” He says, unsure really of what to say.
The taller gives him a reassuring smile and a nod as well. “I’ll see you.”
They both stand there for a moment longer as the cool, fall air blows around them. The things that they were leaving unsaid lingering in the air. This was the end of their weird, deep, emotional relationship– something neither of them have ever experienced before. It was hard to say goodbye to it, that’s why he was so unsure of his choice. Blaine finally gets up enough strength to turn and walk away from Sebastian, only getting a few feet away before the other speaks up.
“Wait!” Sebastian calls, feeling a panic in his chest and his emotions running on high, getting worse the every step Blaine takes to leave. He has tears in his eyes when Blaine turns to face him once more and he shakes his head. “Blaine, I-” He stops his statement abruptly, not having the courage to actually say the words that were hanging over his head.
Blaine’s forehead wrinkles as Sebastian speaks because he knows. He knows exactly what the taller means to say and yet somehow it still isn’t enough for them to move forward– even if he does return that feeling. He nods, the tears building up even more in his eyes. “I know,” His voice breaks and his breath catches in his throat. “Me too.”
Blaine leaves before anything else can be said or done, leaving Sebastian alone– not wanting to see him break down once he reaches his car.
That’s the memory that brings Blaine here to this moment, sitting on the front steps of his in-law’s, leaving a pathetic voicemail for his old flame. “So, yeah, I was just thinking about that night and thinking about…” He closes his eyes tightly and presses the heel of his hand into his forehead over and over. “God, I miss nights like that. I miss you.” He sighs heavily, leaning his elbow on his knee. “I think I made a terrible mistake that night….I shouldn’t have left. I’m….I’m miserable.” Blaine stays quiet for a long moment before he speaks again, unsure really of what else to say. He really shouldn’t be saying any of this. “I’m sorry.”
Blaine pulls the phone from his ear, tapping the screen to end the call. As the call closes he notices he has a new voicemail waiting for him. The color drains from his face and his insides catch on fire, warming his entire body when he hears Sebastian’s voice.
He doesn’t have the chance to call him back because before he can even finish the voicemail his brother comes outside asking if he’s okay. He tells him the truth and the two Andersons sit on the porch for a while, discussing what Blaine should do.
Cooper convinces Blaine to call Sebastian back and talk to him when he can get a moment away, and to immediately tell Kurt the truth when they get back to New York as to not ruin the holidays with their families.
—-
It isn’t until the next day that Blaine can get away from the Hummel’s and the rest of the Anderson’s. He tells them he’s going to meet up with his old pals Wes and David for a night out since Kurt, his mom, and Carole are going after Christmas shopping for whatever reason. He knows what he’s doing is wrong but he has to talk to Sebastian. It’s been years since they have spoken and they just happen to think of each other at the same time on the same night and leave each other a voicemail at the same time? It means something– he knows it– and he wants to get to the bottom of it.
He wants to be careful about where he goes, not wanting it to be a public conversation. He knows he can’t stay home to have it so he settles on no other place than his safe place; he makes the short drive from Lima to Westerville to his old high school. The roof of Dalton Academy had always been the place he would escape to when he needed to think or get away, and it was always where he and Sebastian would meet up to talk or hang out when they needed each other. He really figures there’s no better place to have this conversation.
The sun is just beginning to set as he makes his way to the school, slipping into the door that leads to the dorms and sneaking up the stairwell to the roof. His phone weighs heavy in his pocket as he climbs the stairs and he pulls it out, rehearsing what he wants to say to Sebastian in his mind as he taps his name. He holds the phone to his ear and it vibrates against his ear as the line rings. When he reaches the door, he notices that it’s opened slightly. Though he thinks it slightly odd, he doesn’t let it stop him from pushing it open completely to step out onto the roof.
It’s about the time that he notices someone else standing on the roof when Sebastian picks up the line. “Hello?
Blaine recognizes the other person immediately and his heart jumps into his throat, beating against it quickly, hearing the taller’s voice in surround sound. A smile spreads across his face and he stands there, dragging his teeth over his lip slowly. His stomach fills with intense flutters because he knows that the moment Sebastian heard his voicemail, he left to get on the first flight to Ohio.
“Hi.” Blaine says, and it’s enough to get Sebastian to turn around and face him, their eyes meeting for the first time in a long time. A thin layer of tears glaze over Blaine’s eyes because he feels happier and more loved in that moment than he has in a really long time.
A wide smile spreads across Sebastian’s face when he sees Blaine and it’s like a sigh of relief.
“Hi.”