Work Text:
You’re concentrating on using the mitre saw, focusing to not end up cutting your fingers off, or some other incredibly embarrassing thing, like needing to re-cut a piece because you did it wrong. Sterling is speaking to you, and you’re answering in an appropriate manner, though you can’t help but feel like she’s being excessively nice, probably because of the debacle at the debate meet. She’s feeding you compliments about being so smart (in the 5th grade), and you know she’s right. You’re the most intelligent in the school, and although Sterling’s debate skills could absolutely use some work, she’s also the closest thing you have to a rival, academically speaking.
You aren’t quite sure why you opt to bring up Luke, other than to essentially let Sterling know that she was very much above him and he was, in no way, up to the standards that the girl should have for herself. It, in no way, has to do with the fact that your heart has beat for Sterling Fucking Wesley for as long as you can remember… but in secret, of course. There’s no way you can act on those feelings. Maybe someday, but with the pressures of preparing for college, because of course you’ve already started writing prompt ideas for college entry essays, along with being the perfect daughter, it doesn’t leave room for being who you really are.
When you bring up your father reading the Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe to you as a child, you really aren’t sure what prompted you to be so… vulnerable. Surely it was due to the length of time you’ve actually known Sterling, even if she did gift you to someone else in elementary school. You acknowledge that your father, and being presented as a gift, are still sore subjects, which is probably why you immediately turn to the saw, put on your eye protection (ensuring Sterling has as well… there’s no way you’re going to be at fault for those cerulean eyes becoming hazy from being blind), and get to work.
You know there’s plenty of internalized homophobia from your upbringing, having it drilled into your skull from before you even knew what ‘gay’ was, you were taught that it’s bad, that it’s against the bible and God’s teachings, and that gay people go to hell. But you’ve also read the Good Book backwards and forwards. You’ve highlighted and tagged pages, you’ve written notes, questions, and comments in the margins. You know the bible, better and more fully than any other work you’ve ever had the pleasure of reading. You know that the translations aren’t exact, that some words didn’t have a direct translation, which is exactly why you’ve studied outside of the bible, confirming the verbiage used prior to it being put into english. It’s why you know that being a lesbian isn’t going to anger or disappoint God, that you won’t be struck down, or sent to hell. Your parents, on the other hand, are a different story… which is why you’ll remain in your closet for as long as possible.
You’re having your own internal conversation the next day when Sterling brings up Naomi and Ruth. Immediately your ears perk up. It’s one of your favorite stories, which you mention to her. You like it mostly because it’s very relatable to you personally, and even something you hope to have one day… hopefully with Sterling. Life, love, success without the need of a man.
As Sterling stammers through her loose interpretation, that you had also come to previously (but couldn’t possibly let her know that), you feel your eyes squint slightly and your head tilts the tiniest degree. Of course you bring up the Apostle Paul, and nearly snort when Sterling makes her opinion very clear about him. Before you can really say more, she’s off on a (admittedly adorable) ramble about the bible being a rulebook for sex and purity and one man and one woman. You really can’t help but wonder if she’s speaking in undertones, so you say "I’m sorry… what are you saying?” She couldn’t possibly be talking about… gay relationships?
“Um… Just that Naomi and Ruth kick butt, that’s all,” Sterling says, seemingly backtracking slightly from her passionate rant.
You hear yourself say “Okay,” in response, mostly because your thoughts are racing in 492 different directions. Does she know about you? Did she figure out you’re a sapphic, a lady lover, a full on lesbian? Did it go so far as Sterling knowing about your feelings for her, specifically? Was she… testing the waters? Could Sterling Fucking Wesley actually be wordsmithing all this to see how you would react?
It isn’t like you can just outright ask her, and by the time everything is painted and put together, you are even more confused about what this conversation actually meant. The lilt in her voice, the eye contact she held, and then would look away. Maybe you were staring a little bit, but who could blame you, Sterling had so much more skin available for your viewing pleasure than you generally see at school. Not that seeing Sterling in a button up, skirt, and a vest doesn’t do something to your insides.
Compartmentalize.
You mentally start to categorize each word, each interaction, placing it neatly in the appropriate box, mostly in a locked drawer reserved for the taller Wesley twin. You can’t afford to be wrong on this, absolutely can not allow your feelings to seep out, especially without knowing completely if Sterling actually had been hinting, or if you’d just taken it out of context.
As you walk out the door, leaving Solomon’s Temple at the Wesley household for Sterling to bring the next morning, you are surprised when you both give a, somewhat awkward, somewhat warm hug, as you’re exiting the front door. It was absolutely a surprise to you, your hands sliding around Sterling’s waist when her arms came up to squeeze around your shoulders, but when she took a step back, leaving your body ablaze, you realize she too was surprised by the momentary action.
“See you tomorrow, you… we… did good,” you stammer, mentally forehead slapping yourself for the smoothless you displayed.
At least you aren’t the only one weirdly frazzled, you think, when Sterling replies with a hand wave coupled with, “Partners, we did good … we’re a team, work… we work good… well… as a team,” as you start walking backwards out the front door.
When you nod and turn around to make your way to your vehicle, you hear a muttered, “For the love of the Lord, Sterling,” and you can’t help it when the most minute smile tips up your lips. You absolutely are NOT blushing (though you feel the heat in your cheeks, ears, neck, and upper sternum), and are NOT looking over your shoulder to see if Sterling is looking (you aren’t desperate, and don’t want to be let down if she ISN’T watching), but you haven’t heard the click of the door either (so you’re pretty sure she IS watching).
When you get to your car, you do turn around (you knew she was still there, watching), offer a small wave and a shy smile before hurriedly getting in and leaving as quickly as possible. There’s enough to think about without adding in sudden emotions that you’ve kept hidden for years. Today is not that day, and tomorrow won’t be either… at least, that isn’t the plan.