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"I know it's so low to hate you
for leaving without me
But why leave so quickly?
Do you miss me?
Did all of this past year mean anything?"
Bonnie kept the pillow over his head, where it had been since he first put the record on. Despite the fact that Freddy had bought it for him, it felt almost cathartic to play a Conan Gray record full of break up songs.
He heard the door open downstairs, but didn’t bother to get up and look. Only three people had a key to his house since he’d changed the locks, so it wasn’t like it was anyone he didn’t know. Even if someone had broken in, he wasn’t sure he’d care. Footsteps came up the stairs, and his bedroom door pushed open.
“Are you seriously listening to Conan Gray?” Moon’s voice hit his ears, and Bonnie pulled the pillow closer to his ears. “With a pillow over your head, doesn’t that defeat the purpose of listening to it anyways?” When Bonnie didn’t give him an answer, “Seriously, dude. Emo music on your record player? Come on. It’s a little pathetic.”
Are you fucking serious? Bonnie sat up, ready to throw the pillow at him. Moon held up his hands.
“Don’t abuse me, I didn’t mean it. I just wanted you to get up.” Moon sat on the edge of the bed. Bonnie sighed and threw the pillow at him anyways. He missed. He flopped back against the bed, staring up at the ceiling.
“Nutella, huh? Not ice cream?” Moon kicked his shoes up and shifted to lay beside him, clasping his hands on his stomach. “That’s a choice. Does that even go with the wine?”
“The wine is for later when I switch to Billie Eilish.” Bonnie deadpanned.
“You hate Billie Eilish.”
“Exactly.”
Moon shook his head with a sigh before reaching for his hand. Bonnie debated pulling it back, especially when his eyes began to water, but he let Moon lace their fingers together anyways.
“You wanna talk about it?” Moon asked after a few minutes. The record had stopped.
“Nope.”
“You wanna just lay here and sulk?”
“Yup.”
“Alright.” Moon shifted closer and lay his head against Bonnie’s shoulder. They lay in silence, not saying anything else.
~X.x.X~
“So…are we gonna talk about…today?” Alex asked him, lowering herself down beside him against the wall. Bonnie stared out over the guard rail, playing with the cigarette in his hand but not actually lighting it. Moon had dragged him out to the alley after allowing him to wallow for an hour.
“I’d rather not.”
“What if I want you to anyways?”
“Well, you can’t always get what you want.” Bonnie mumbled.
“But if you try sometimes, well you might find what you need,” Alex replied without missing a beat. Unable to help it, Bonnie cracked a smile.
“I deserve that.”
“You typically do,” She agreed, before scooting up against him. She draped an arm around his shoulders and leaned their heads together. “You left your phone inside. Luckily, you’re pretty consistent in your hiding places.”
“Hmph.”
He didn’t tell her that the reason he’d left it inside was because he was an idiot and opened instagram for the first time in a year. All it did was lead him to only to seeing photos that he really should just fucking delete. Bonnie had closed out of the app fairly quickly after that, simply deleting it off his phone instead of going through the hassle of looking at pictures of-
Bonnie winced just thinking about it.
Lost in his thoughts, he stared numbly out at the grass. A year ago, he thought he’d had everything he ever dreamed of.
Kind of funny how the universe fucked up that plan when Fr- he had broken up with him in the middle of a fucking airport. There had been no indication that anything was wrong. Yeah, he had been acting funny, but Bonnie had just assumed that he was worried about being away from each other for so long.
Well, obviously you were fucking wrong. Everything. You lost everything.
“Well, I know my threat about not letting you hold Gregory at least worked for you to not actually light that. However, I don’t think it’s going to work for solving this bottling up emotions thing you’ve got going on.” It wasn’t unkind, but Bonnie didn’t want to hear it.
“I’m answering you, isn’t that what you wanted?” Bonnie grumbled.
“You talk to me when you get pushed over the edge, and you’re looking pretty damn close.” Bonnie scowled. “You’re like a tightened wire about to snap. I haven’t figured out if you’re pissed off or upset.
“Do we have to do this?”
“Hm, still unclear. Probably both.”
“Alex.”
“Bon.”
“Alexandria.”
“Oh, full names? Fine, Bonnie.” She was staring at him when a straight face when he pulled away from her with a glare.
“Leave it, or go away.”
“Bon,” Alex’s voice softened, her expression shifting to something gentle.
“Stop trying to fix me, you fucking can’t,” Bonnie’s voice cracked. “I’m not fucking fixable.” It was close to a scream, and Alex flinched. “Fuck, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry-”
“I warned you that would happen,” Alex muttered. “You wanted to be left alone? Fine. I’ll give you what you want.”
“Wait-”
“No. Fuck you.” She got up and stalked off. He flung the cigarette away from him, pulling his knees up and hiding his face in them. He knew better than to go after her, but part of him whispered that she should have known better than to come out here with him.
Fuck.
Good fucking job, you fucking idiot. You shouldn’t even be fucking surprised if she bails on you, too.
He already did.
So why shouldn’t she?
Rage filled him, towards himself, towards his ex-boyfriend, towards the universe.
“You can tell me, I can fix it-”
It wasn’t fixable. He couldn’t fix it. If he could have fixed whatever had made-
I’m not fixable.
I wasn’t…
I wasn’t fucking enough and I-
Pain. Pain and anger shot through his chest, and Bonnie was so fucking angry that he could scream. He couldn’t scream though, not nearly loud enough to get it all out of his system, and something inside him snapped. Pulling his fist back, he swung, almost blindly, adrenaline and anger consuming him.
There was a crunching noise, and pain shot up Bonnie’s arm. Bonnie gasped, glancing down to see bruising already forming on his knuckles. His breath came out in gasps. Pushing his uninjured hand through his hair, he tried to get his breathing under control. Tears slid down his cheeks, a hiccup catching in his throat. It was easier to cry over his hand that he’d busted all on his own on the pavement than cry over all the things he remembered that Freddy said.
“Bon?” There was a hand on his arm, and he looked up to see Sunny’s wide eyed gaze. “What did you-”
“I’m not fixable,” Bonnie said abruptly. Sunny blinked.
“What?”
“I…I’m not fixable, okay? She can’t fix me, and I can’t make her understand that. If I was fixable, he- He would have told me what I could do, and I would have done anything if it meant he-”
“Bon-”
“He threw it away like it meant nothing,” Bonnie whimpered, “like I meant nothing.” Sunny sat down beside him, and gently wrapped both arms around him to hold him against his chest. He lay his cheek against Bonnie’s head, rubbing his back gently. “Aren’t you going to leave before I end up snapping on you, too?”
“No,” Sunny murmured. “I am just going to sit with you. You do not need pushed anymore right now than you already have been. I know you. Her intentions were good, but she did not help. Moon is speaking with her.”
“It wasn’t her fault that I was an ass, I know she was trying to-”
“I know that you know that,” Sunny said. “However, you warned her. She did not respect the boundary. That is on her.”
“I don’t want to hurt anyone.” I don’t want anyone to feel the way that I feel.
“I know.” Sunny kissed the top of his head, and Bonnie dissolved into sobs all over again.
~X.x.X~
“When Moon told me you were rotting in your bed this morning listening to Conan Gray, I didn’t think he was serious.” He felt Alex flop beside him. She tugged his blankets away from his head. “How many times have you listened to it now?” He was playing it on his phone this time, the same song on repeat.
“A lot.”
“Can we switch it up? I think I’ve heard this song three times since I broke in.”
“It isn’t breaking in if you have a key.”
“Shhh.” She poked his cheek. He sighed and tossed the blankets away, shoving his phone at her.
“Fine.”
She paused the music and tossed it aside for now, flopping down and propping her cheek on her hand. “I’m sorry about earlier.”
“Me, too.” Bonnie made himself meet her eyes. “I know you meant well. I just…fuck, I feel so out of control today.”
“I don’t blame you. I probably would have snapped at you if the roles were reversed. I don’t like talking about Mi- Gregory’s dad.” She sighed. “So I shouldn’t try to make you talk about your ex. I still can’t believe he texted you six months ago, by the way. The fucking audacity.”
“Right? What a fuckass bitch,” Bonnie agreed. They stared at each other for a moment before they both began to crack up.
“Really? That’s all you could come up with?”
“You put me on the spot!”
“I thought you were more creative than that.”
Her giggles made him chuckle again, and he let her lace their fingers.
“Do you actually?”
“Hm?”
“Wish him the best?” She asked softly, squeezing his hand. Bonnie was silent for a long moment.
“I’d like to,” he finally responded, “But I think I hate him more right now.” Bonnie looked away from her. “I’m tired of him haunting me. I wish I was over it.”
“You and I both know it doesn’t work that way,” Alex said, “some things you never get over. It’s more that maybe one day it won’t hurt so much. You didn’t deserve what he did.”
“You didn’t deserve what Gregory’s father did either.”
“I know,” Alex gave him a sad smile that he mirrored. “But it’s time that you start to acknowledge that you didn’t either. He could have handled it a lot better instead of making such a dick move.”
“...I know.” The words felt wrong on his tongue. “I guess I just want to know if…if I ever meant anything.” If I still do…
“He’s a jerk and I hate him,” Alex said, “But for your sake, and from the brief things Sunny and Moon have said to me, I really do think that you did.” Bonnie swallowed, his eyes watering.
“I don’t think I can forgive him,” Bonnie whispered. “It’s been a year, but it’s still too fresh. It hurts way too much.”
“And that’s okay,” Alex murmured.
“I don’t think anything could hurt more than this.” He let her tug him into her arms, and he hugged her back.
He had no idea that in about a month, he would find out how wrong he was.