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It was New Years. the start of a brand new year for so many people, a new beginning for some, and an opportunity to set a goal to become the best version of themselves by the end of the year.
The fireworks were loud from outside the window of the small apartment. Beautiful colors decorated the sky in all kinds of shapes and sizes and rockets shot into the air to celebrate the occasion. Loud music could be heard from some place distant down the streets, and despite the cheery atmosphere from the world outside, the inside of this small apartment room was the complete opposite.
It was a disgusting, horrible feeling of guilt, of emptiness, and of loss. The concept of mourning someone you never really knew sounded ridiculous, especially if you didn't even know them in real life. But how else were you supposed to react when a real person threw away their life for you? When they were in pain until their very last breath?
It was a horrendously cruel fate, and it was even crueler to leave someone to suffer with that knowledge alone. The knowledge that somebody who knew everything about you was willing to sacrifice it all to save you, even if they themselves were so afraid of death. Especially since there was no real reason to, since they had never even met before they got into this mess.
Neither of them had any idea who the other was, and the odds of them ever meeting if it didn't happen here were incredibly slim, unrealistic even.
And that was even more sickening to realize. They wouldn't have ever met each other outside of this. To wish for a world where none of this happened and they got to live in peace as friends was unrealistic, because where else would they have met if not here?
Avery sat there in the dark room, slouched over his desk with nothing in front of him but a computer. He didn't say anything and he didn't move. He could've been mistaken for a statue because of how frozen he was; it was as if he was in a completely different world from the one just outside his window.
The fireworks didn't make him happy or relieved. They made the dread in his stomach worse, and they made him feel bitter. The bright colors felt so mocking. They made him wish that, for once, the world would stop, and everyone would just be quiet for his sake and acknowledge the pain he was in.
Tears were streaming down his face uncontrollably. It made him feel even more pathetic and ridiculous. Derek had given his life for him, and all he could do in return was post that stupid footage and cry.
It wasn't fair, he still didn't even understand why Derek did it. He said he would explain after it was all over, but of course Avery knew that was a lie. Derek had already shown him he wasn't above lying to him moments prior.
All he wanted was to understand and he couldn't even get that. He’d never be able to truly know what was going on and he'd never know about the knowledge that caused Derek all that pain to begin with.
For once, a sound came from the quiet room, but it was just sobs and sniffles coming from Avery. His sobs mixed with the sound of the fireworks outside and it made him even more upset. It felt like a knife was digging into his skin, an arm around his waist squeezing so hard it felt suffocating, a bruise that always ached and never healed.
Avery didn't want to feel like this, but in his current state and situation he fully believed that he might just feel like this forever. There was no way to heal from this and no way to just go to someone and explain all of this because it just sounded like bullshit. He’d sound crazy.
He's here slouched in front of his computer crying while Derek is probably slouched in front of his computer, in excruciating pain as his body tears itself apart.
They had only known each other for such a short period of time, but it felt like Avery was being burnt over and over. The more he acknowledged that if in some unrealistic world they met elsewhere they would've been extremely compatible, the more upset he got. Avery could've learnt so much from Derek, and maybe Derek could've healed that part of Avery that constantly made him doubt himself and beat himself up like he was doing now.
His experience with Derek was one of the first times in Avery's life he was appreciated, and it was to the extent that someone would be willing to give their life for him. Nobody had ever loved or cared about Avery like that, and nobody had ever told him he was special, that he mattered, that he could do the things he dreamed of doing.
It felt like he had met his other half, but it was too late; the right person and the wrong time. The same cliche story that so many people experienced or wrote about, but it was worse for Avery. It was so much more horrifying, and it was his reality.
Avery slowly got up from his desk after shutting off his computer and immediately regretting it when his entire body felt heavy and his legs felt wobbly once he stood up. He somehow managed to stumble over to his bed and crashed down, clutching his pillow and staring blankly at the wall as tears continued to fall down his face, adding to his already immense exhaustion. When was the last time he slept? It felt like maybe 16 hours ago? 17? Too long from what he was used to.
The thought of how long he had spent on that game was nothing but a reminder of how lonely he truly was, spending his New Years Eve on some dumb scavenger hunt to find Derek. Just then, another thought began to flood his mind. Was Derek lonely too? Did he really have nothing else to do as well? Why did no one check up on him? Did he have ANYONE in his life who cared? And if he didn't, was that why he was so willing to give his life for Avery without a second thought?
He wished Derek knew how pathetic he actually was, how he had no one who would care if he was gone either, how no one who'd check up on him. If anything, the only person who would notice his disappearance is his landlord when he comes to collect rent.
Maybe they could've been lonely together. Maybe they could've spent their New Years together, and every holiday to come after that, if they had just had more time. If they had both been able to close that game together with no strings attached and no pain, maybe they could've been something more.
Despite how exhausted he was, he didn't want to sleep, didn't want to dream and forget anything he had just experienced. He was afraid that if he fell asleep, he'd forget some of the details come morning, especially since he wasn't sure how long he'd even be sleeping for.
His eyes were heavy and he couldn't even tell if it was because he was tired anymore or if it was because of how miserable he was from crying so much. He definitely wouldn't look good in the morning.
Then again the morning felt so far away from now, like it was decades away. In a way, it's not like Avery wanted the morning to come anyway; he didn't want to move on even if he knew he should, because it's what Derek would've wanted.
He wanted him to become something more, to do something he was proud of. Not rot away in his room for all of eternity drowning in his own tears until his eyeballs fell out or sitting here in the dark waiting for the pain to go away until his final breath.
But even now he felt selfish for having those thoughts, because Avery felt as if his pain was nothing in comparison to the excruciating pain Derek is experiencing.
This isn't a good way to live. But how could he think about anything but Derek right now? Or ever? His life was worth so much more than Avery’s. He was so smart and he was so selfless. No qualities Avery has could ever compare to what Derek could've contributed to the world if their roles were swapped.
Eventually, Avery's tears came to a stop and his nails dug into his pillow as he tried desperately to return his breathing to a normal pace. This day would always be something that was going to be at the back of his mind, and he'd always feel that ‘kings’ presence, as if it never really left, as if it never died with Derek.
He'd always mourn Derek, but the king was always going to be there to him.
It was going to be a miserable year and the chances of Avery ever moving on from this were slim, which made him even more disappointed in himself. All that effort put in to protect him and keep him safe just for him to throw it away by being pathetic, like a dead cold body.
Was there even a point in interacting with anyone anymore? He'd just exhaust people with his mental state being this bad. He'd be a burden, he didn't want to make people feel like they had to help him. Avery wanted to be able to pick himself up because he knew if he couldn't help himself there's no way he'd be able to ever heal.
The fireworks were only getting louder now that Avery’s sobs had stopped and his swollen eyes drifted over to the window and he watched as a huge bright red firework exploded in the sky.
For the next hour he stared at the window, spacing out as he watched the fireworks while he committed every detail about today to his memory. He couldn't forget any of it, he'd never forgive himself if he did.
He barely moved his body as his hand reached over to his dresser and grabbed a small notepad off of it and a pen that barely had any ink left. He began to quickly write down details about today’s events, the words sloppy and almost blending together, but as long as he himself could read it that was all that really mattered.
Eventually he put the notepad down, slipping it under his pillow as he spoke to himself in a hoarse voice, clearly sore from his sobbing.
“Just…a little bit…I'm only going to close my eyes for a little bit..just to rest them..and then I'll write down everything. From beginning to end.” He whispered to himself and slowly closed his eyes.
That was the last thing Avery remembered from that night. His body betrayed him and the moment he closed his eyes he drifted off seconds later, he didn't remember if he had a dream or nightmare by the time morning came.
His body shifted a lot throughout the night, rolling around in bed and his eyes had dark circles under them from the lack of sleep. They were also puffy from all the crying; he really did look like he was dragged through hell, and in a way he was.
When morning came Avery immediately sat up in bed, his head immediately protesting at the pace he sat up. He frantically looked around and then grabbed the notepad from under his pillow, rereading everything. He had hoped it was all a dream as silly as it sounded and when he woke up everything would be okay. If only things could be that nice.
At least if he ever needed a reminder of some things he could always watch back his footage, but he isn't that sure of how helpful it'd really be given the fact it cut off not too long after he caught up to Derek.
Avery got up out of bed putting the notepad back down on his dresser and finally left his bedroom, going down the hall and into the bathroom. He stopped in front of the mirror staring at how disheveled he looked and sighed. He should probably take a shower.
Things were going to be a lot harder from here on out. But maybe, just maybe, things would get easier with time. The pain might not go away completely, but it would at least be more bearable after a while.
Avery just has to keep pushing, for Derek's sake.