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Buck always knew he was different compared to his family and friends.
Buck struggled in school; he didn’t know how to stay still or be quiet. He struggled with history and math but excelled in English.
He struggled with creating meaningful relationships and keeping them, which is why he was relieved that Eddie stayed.
He was constantly fidgeting with his hands and was always on the move, and was constantly forgetting even the smallest of things.
He was up late researching or reading the latest topic that interested him, which was always fun to tell the people he ended helping on calls to distract them from the chaos and pain.
He worked hard to set reminders on his phone to get up on time, and a list of things that he had to do that day. It was always very helpful.
He knew all of this, but he never would have imagined himself finding out just how different he truly was; he never pictured that he would be here taking an ADHD test at 30 years old, because his parents didn’t care enough to have him tested when he was a kid.
And it all started in therapy…
Buck was sitting in Dr. Copeland's office, fidgeting with his hands nervously, as Dr. Copeland was writing in her notebook, while Buck rambled on about his parents for the 4th time in the session.
“At least now I know why they always hated me, why I felt like an outsider in my own home. I just wish they’d love me like how Eddie loves Chris,” he ranted as Dr. Copeland raised a brow at the mention of his best friend.
“I mean, God, Eddie is just such a good dad, I wish I had someone who listens to me, and he does, so does Chris. We are actually planning to meet up at the zoo tomorrow. God, I love that kid, he–” he stopped his babbling, noticing that Dr. Copeland put down her notebook, looking at Buck very intensely.
“What?” He blushed, embarrassed by his ranting.
She sighs softly. “Buck, have you ever heard of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder?”
Buck raises his brow, confused. “ADHD, yeah, I have heard of it, why?” He questions.
Copeland nods, turning back to her notebook before looking back at Buck with a deadpan look. “I think you might have it.” She knows he does, but she didn’t want to be rude, so she chose a softer approach to it.
Buck scoffs, “No offense, doc, but I don’t have any of the symptoms for ADHD,” he says with a confident smile.
Dr. Copeland puts on her glasses, opens the notebook, and looks at Buck once more, “I'm going to read you the symptoms of ADHD, and I want you to tell me if that sounds like something you’ve done, okay?”
Buck nods as she begins to read the symptoms out loud:
Time Management Issues
Hyperactivity & Restlessness
Impulsivity & Emotional Control
Relationship & Work Struggles
As she reads out every symptom, Buck's face, once smiling, now drops as he listens to the therapist's words.
She stops noticing Buck's shocked expression, “Now tell me, Buck, do any of those things sound like you?”
Buck could only nod at the therapist's words. “Huh” is all he manages to say in that moment.
The doctor sighs. “I’d like to send you to a colleague of mine, and I’d like for you to get tested just to be sure, but I'm confident that you do, and I want to be clear here, Buck, you're not broken. ADHD can be managed, whether it's through more therapy or medication.”
Buck didn’t hear anything past him getting tested. His only thought was, “Fuck.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Later that day, Buck was at Maddie's apartment, sitting anxiously across from his big sister as she made some homemade hot chocolate, knowing just by the look on her baby brother's face that he was anxious and needed some comfort, and her hot chocolate always worked to soothe him, even now at almost 30 years old.
As Maddie set the hot chocolate down, rubbing her baby bump, she softly sat down across from Buck, who was biting his nail nervously, lost in thought since the moment he arrived after therapy, looking at him worriedly, “Is there something on your mind that you want to talk to me about—”
“I HAVE ADHD!!” Buck blurts out, loudly, startling Maddie.
“I am sorry, what?” she questions, confused.
Buck took a deep breath, preparing himself.
“I might have ADHD. Doctor Copeland said, ‘Based on the symptoms I saw, I believe you have ADHD.’ I mean, it makes so much sense, the rambling, the never staying still, everything I do, nobody else acts the way I do. No wonder I always felt like an outsider, and with Daniel, it's no wonder mom and dad called me exhausting.”
Maddie just listened, taking in her brother's words, nodding as he began to cry. She grabbed a hold of his hand, stroking it softly, calming him.
“And how do you feel about that?”
Buck just looks at her, his eyes still red from crying, taking a breath, “I honestly don’t know, terrified yet relieved.”
“Relieved?” Maddie asked.
He nods. “If I have it, then that means I wasn’t just lazy or making excuses like mom and dad said I just needed help.”
Maddie tears up upon hearing that. “ I am so sorry, Buck.”
He sighs, wiping the tears from his eyes. “Yeah, me too.”
Maddie embraces him tightly as he breaks down in her arms, crying for his younger self, remembering all the harsh things his parents would scream at him daily.
“YOU ARE JUST SO LAZY!”
“ FOCUS, EVAN, FOCUS!”
“STOP MOVING, EVAN!”
“EVAN, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SHUT UP!!!”
But here in his big sister's arms, he is reminded that he is loved, and hopefully now he knows that his parents were wrong, that he wasn’t lazy, that he just needed help, and that they failed him like they always do.
Maddie slowly pulled away from the embrace, wiping his tears away with her thumbs.
“I am here, Evan, and if you do have adhd then you're not alone. I’ll be here every step of the way.”
“You promise?”
Maddie scoffs, playfully lifting her pinky. “ I promise.”
Buck lifts his pinky too, looping with hers, wiping his eyes once more. “Okay.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Buck sat in his car, fidgeting with the steering wheel, trying to stop the tears from spilling out of his eyes as he began to drive far from the place that had just emotionally put him through the wringer.
The session started out easily, and then it gradually got worse as it continued. Buck was reminded of the things his parents would shout at him, what every teacher scolded him, and other students' pitied looks, sometimes their glee as he failed, and was once again reminded of his place, and boy did teachers love to remind him of that, of his failures.
Buck sighed, welling the tears back as he drove without a clue as to where he was heading, repeating to himself over and over again as he tried to focus:
“ FOCUS, BUCK, FOCUS.”
Buck finally stopped at a red light before he recognized the street name, SOUTH BEDFORD ST. It read, wiping away his tears, he turned down the street, relieved to see Eddie’s truck in the driveway.
He pulls in, takes a deep breath, trying and failing to compose himself before getting out of his truck and towards Eddie’s door before knocking.
Eddie opened the door a few seconds later, confused,
“Buck, you don't have to knock. You have a key,” Eddie says before looking at Buck’s expression, his face falling, taking in his best friend's tear-stained cheeks.
“What’s wrong?” Eddie asks.
But Buck doesn’t say anything.
Then, almost as if on autopilot, he walks into his home, yes, his home, as Eddie watches concerned, as Buck sits down on the couch, melting into it, sighing deeply as Eddie walks over curiously before placing a gentle e hand on Buck’s knee, squeezing since Buck needs the comfort.
Then, Buck fully breaks down as Eddie takes Buck into his arms, whispering softly into him, “It’s okay, Buck, I got you.”
Buck pulls away fast, almost as if Eddie’s touch would burn him, turning away from him.
“It’s not okay, Eds, it’s just not,” he whispers as Eddie takes in his words.
“Okay, why is it not okay, Buck? Talk to me.”
Buck turns back to Eddie, seeing nothing but worry and something else in his best friend’s eyes.
“I went to therapy like I always do since I found out about Daniel, and I was talking well, more like ranting, typical Buck, right?”
Eddie cuts him off. “I like it when you rant.”
Buck blushed brightly before continuing as if nothing had happened.
“Well, I noticed she stopped writing, which is not something she does like ever. Then she asked if she knew what ADHD was.” Buck was pissed, trying to catch his breath, noticing Eddie raise a brow.
“I said yes, obviously, and then the next thing I knew, I had an appointment to get tested for ADHD. Which I thought was crazy at first, but now I realize it wasn't. But I went today for a test, and it just reminded me so much of what my parents put me through, of what my childhood was like, and now I am terrified of the results. What if I don’t have it, and I was just being lazy, like parents and teachers said? What if I really am exhausting?” Buck finished his ranting, panting heavily as Eddie took in his friend's words.
Eddie looks at Buck, seeing his sulking demeanor, grabs a hold of Buck's face, softly cupping it, making Buck look at him.
“Well, you’re not exhausting, or whatever other lies your parents said to you. And I’m sorry that I ever called you exhausting. You’re perfect just the way you are, ADHD or not, okay?”
Buck nods his head as he looks into Eddie’s eyes, seeing that he’s telling the truth, “Eds, it’s okay.”
“No, cariño, it’s not.”
Buck melts at the nickname, knowing what it means. He smiles, “¿Cariño?” He teases, with a horrible Spanish accent.
Eddie chuckles softly, stroking Buck's cheek, and Buck unconsciously leans into it. “Yes, cariño, Buck, Evan, I love you. I meant what I said. I am here no matter what the results are. I love you so much.”
Buck gasps as Eddie leans in, gently pulling Buck towards him, locking their lips.
Eddie instantly melts into the kiss, Buck frozen for a moment before slowly kissing back, grabbing a hold of Eddie’s neck, moaning as Eddie's tongue meets his, smiling for the first time since his possible diagnosis.
He fought Eddie for dominance before quickly losing it to Eddie as they slowly pulled back, both a crimson mess, panting heavily.
Buck's eyes gaze up at Eddie lovingly, seeing the hungry look in Eddie’s eyes, he grins. “I love you too, Eds.”
Eddie couldn’t help but smile, pulling Buck back in for yet another passionate kiss.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A week later, Buck and Eddie are bed panting heavily after their first time having sex, as Buck curls into Eddie’s side.
“Wow,” Buck breathes out dreamily.
Eddie couldn’t help but smirk proudly. “You can say that again.”
“Wow!!!”
Eddie laughed, then looked at Buck, taking in his appearance, his blonde curls gone loose and wild as Eddie plays with them, kissing his forehead before once again smirking. “God, I love you, cariño.”
Buck grins. “I love you too, Eds.”
Eddie sighs contentedly before hearing a soft ding go off from the bedside table. Sighing, annoyed, he grabs the phone, realizing it’s actually Buck’s phone, sitting up abruptly, making Buck pout at the loss of his boyfriend's touch before realizing Eddie had his phone in his hands.
“Babe, what is it?”
“Your test results.”
Buck snatches his phone, opens up the results, grabs Eddie’s hand tightly, and takes a deep breath before reading the email.
His eyes tear up now that he knows the truth, and there it was in black and white, he turns the phone to Eddie, shaking.
Eddie reads the email before looking back up at his boyfriend, pulling Buck into his arms. “Oh, honey, it’s okay, baby.”
“ I have it, I have it, Eds. I wasn’t lazy,” he says into his boyfriend's chest. “I need to call Maddie.”
Eddie nods in understanding, letting Buck go, grabbing his clothes as he goes to the bathroom to shower.
Buck then calls Maddie, biting his nails anxiously as Maddie picks up on the second ring.
“You got the results?” Was the first thing she said as she answered the phone, making Buck laugh.
“Well, hello to you too, Mads, “ he jokes.
“Right, sorry, hello, Buck, did you get the test results?”
He sighs, “Yes, I got the results.”
“And?” She prompts.
“ I have ADHD, it’s been confirmed.”
“You’re still Buck; this doesn’t change you. I love you, I promise I'm not leaving you, okay?”
“Okay, Mads, and I love you too.”
The two hang up.
Buck then puffs out a breath as Eddie slowly appears from the door, grinning at him knowingly, “Do you want to join me?”
Buck smirks, jumping up from the bed, throwing the covers back. “Is that even a question?”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Buck sat in the car, staring at his prescription card anxiously as Eddie grabbed his hand, stroking it, calming him down.
“It’ll be alright, amor.”
Buck sighs, nodding as he gets out of the car. The pharmacy was loud and full of people. Buck bounced his leg as he waited for his name to be called out, watching as people came and went without a care. He fidgeted with his hands, looking up to see a man staring at him weirdly.
“EVAN BUCKLEY!” shouted the pharmacist loudly, startling everyone in the room.
“Oh, thank God,” he mumbled as he got up, handing the nice lady named Betsy the insurance card he was given. She looked it over and scanned the card like it was nothing before handing Buck his first dose of Adderall, explaining what to look out for. Buck nodded, understanding her warning and tips.
“Thank you,” he says to her before quickly leaving and getting back into his jeep, where Eddie was waiting for him patiently.
“I hated that,” Buck sighed when he closed the driver’s door behind him.
Eddie laughed, but he stopped when he noticed how anxious Buck was. “Are you okay?”
Buck shakes his head, meeting Eddie’s eyes. “No, but I will be.”
Eddie nods, grabbing a hold of Buck's hand.
“I’m going to be here with you, through it all, baby. I promise.”
Buck smiles, knowing that he won’t have to face any of this alone.